- 11 hours ago
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00:11You find me running the cafe on my own, because all hell has broken loose here in New View.
00:16Excuse me.
00:26Hiding upstairs in my bedroom are none other than Hitler and Goering themselves.
00:32Having escaped from the clutches of the Communist resistance, they came here to seek shelter.
00:37Actually, it is not the real Hitler and Goering, but Lieutenant Gruber and the Colonel in disguise.
00:42But the Communists do not know this, and are still searching for them.
00:47I shudder every time that doorbell pings.
00:56This whole business is very bad for the nerves, but good for the waistline.
01:02Well, hey.
01:02Yes, what?
01:03I must speak to you at once.
01:04What is it, Edith?
01:06Is the coast clear for the Colonel and Net and Gruber to come downstairs?
01:09Are you mad?
01:09I cannot have Hitler and Goering walking through my cafe in front of all these customers.
01:13They are changing out of their uniforms.
01:16I will find some old clothes for them, so they can disguise themselves and leave without being recognised.
01:21Well, best be quick about it, Edith.
01:22If the Communists come back in here and find that we have been helping Germans, we will all need the
01:26last rites.
01:28Willy, Willy, the Communists are outside.
01:31Send for a priest.
01:33They are searching the square with their sniffer dogs, and they are sniffing this way.
01:36Oh, my God, I am doomed.
01:38We must get the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber into their disguises as soon as possible.
01:43Come upstairs and help me, Mini.
01:44I will contain the Communists down here if they come in.
01:47Oh, René.
01:48How brave you are.
01:54I was only going to offer them free drinks.
02:31Oh, René.
02:33Oh, René.
02:33Oh, René.
02:35Oh, René.
02:36What are you doing with that girl in your arms?
02:39Have you betrayed me with your lips?
02:41Never, Louise.
02:42No, no.
02:42I am just removing crumbs from my moustache.
02:45And comforting this child who is like a daughter to me.
02:49Are you not, Yvette?
02:50Oh, every time I look at him, the word Daddy springs to mind.
02:58She is under a great strain because she is with child, and the father is unknown.
03:02What kind of a man would abandon a girl like this?
03:05He deserves to be hunted down and torn apart limb from limb.
03:08Well, perhaps a stern ticking off, at least.
03:11Leave us now.
03:12René and I have business to discuss in private.
03:18René?
03:18Yes?
03:20Once again, our sniffer dogs, out on the trail of Italy, have led us to the back of your cafe.
03:27Are you certain you have not seen them?
03:29No, no.
03:29I am sure I would have remembered.
03:31No matter.
03:32Our search has narrowed it down to the square.
03:35It's only a matter of time before our dogs will sniff them out,
03:37and we can shoot them.
03:39How ruthless you are, Louise.
03:41Oh, hold me, René.
03:43When we have recaptured Hitler and Goering and ended the war,
03:46we shall have a white wedding.
03:47Well, I shall certainly be very pale on that day.
03:51Kiss me.
03:52Hold me.
03:53Drive me mad.
03:54That will not be a long journey.
03:59René!
04:00What are you doing holding that girl in your arms?
04:03I will not stand for it!
04:05You stupid woman!
04:08Can you not see you with his?
04:10Oh, it is you, Louise.
04:13Can I offer you some tea?
04:15So busy hunting down Hitler and Goering to exchange bourgeois chitchat.
04:19Goodbye, René.
04:21I will return soon.
04:23I hunger for you.
04:32What is it about me that all these women find so irresistible?
04:36Could it be the underarm deodorant I bought you last Christmas?
04:40I never used it.
04:42Perhaps therein lies a clue.
04:50We have given the Colonel and left any group by some old clothes.
04:54Well, I hope they're good disguises.
04:55There could be spies of the Communist resistance in here.
04:58Oh, do not worry, René.
04:59They will suspect not a thing.
05:08Oh, my God.
05:12Whose clothes did you use?
05:14Mama's.
05:15They were all we could find.
05:18Quickly, ladies, come and sit down, please.
05:20We are not staying, René.
05:22The Communist resistance are in the square looking for Hitler and Goering.
05:25They will not recognize us in these clothes.
05:28No, but they are vicious sniffer dogs which have your scent.
05:30You step out there and the dogs will run to you.
05:33The Communists will shoot first and ask questions later.
05:35Now, sit down.
05:37What are we going to do, René?
05:39You will have to stay here until the Communists go away.
05:42Try not to draw attention to yourselves.
05:45Dressed like this, it may not be easy.
05:48You can't stay here all the evening.
05:50There must be a way to get out.
05:53There are two German soldiers at their table over there, Colonel.
05:57They could give us an armed escort back to our quarters.
05:59The Communists would not dare to attack us then.
06:02Good idea, Gruber.
06:04Try to attract attention.
06:07Hello, soldier.
06:09A very ugly girl over there is trying to pick me up, Leopold.
06:15Lieutenant Gruber of the Tank Corps.
06:17I have heard things about him.
06:21It looks as if they are all true.
06:24Doesn't seem to be working, Coronel.
06:26I will go and speak.
06:32Don't look.
06:33His horrible friend is coming over.
06:38I need you too urgently.
06:40Don't push your luck.
06:42Apart from which you have rotten ankles.
06:46I am Colonel Von Strom Garrison Commander.
06:49Name, written number.
06:51I'm sorry, Colonel.
06:52I didn't recognize you in a dress.
06:54Please, everybody is looking.
06:56It is all right, René.
06:58We are getting an armed escort.
06:59You will come with us to our quarters.
07:02Er, yes, my Colonel.
07:04You will make sure that everything is safe.
07:06Come along, Gruber.
07:08Bring the uniforms.
07:15We are very grateful for your help, René.
07:18We will not forget this evening.
07:19Maybe.
07:20I do not think anyone will.
07:25Will they be all right, René?
07:28Oh, the Colonel is walking very slowly.
07:31It is not easy in our heels, Edith.
07:34The Colonel Gruber seems to be managing all right.
07:37He would.
07:44René.
07:46What do you think of my new Samadouress?
07:49So that is what happened to the curtains in the spare room.
07:53There is a war on.
07:55We have to make use of whatever we can lay our arms on.
07:58I am here, Madame.
08:00And I am ready, Monsieur.
08:02Ready.
08:03And willing, I hope.
08:06I have my small horse with the small horse contained.
08:08the radio transmitter outside.
08:32Michel, I wish you would stop creeping around the place like that.
08:36Listen very carefully.
08:37I shall say this only once.
08:39The time is now right to arrange a rendezvous with Lieutenant Gruber
08:42to collect the 10 million francs ransom.
08:45Why are you telling me this?
08:47You are close to the Lieutenant.
08:48You will go to him and give him our instructions.
08:51Now, take this sec.
08:53What is inside it?
08:55It is a freshly caught 32-pound dogfish.
08:58Si?
09:00Michel, I know I am going to regret asking this question.
09:04But what has a freshly caught 32-pound dogfish got to do with it?
09:08Oh, it is all part of my plan, which involves the dogfish, an underwater diver, a fishing rod, and a
09:14four-foot eel.
09:15Thank goodness.
09:16For a moment, I thought it was going to be complicated.
09:22René Artois!
09:24Peasant!
09:27Send her in.
09:28Do come in.
09:31Good morning, Colonel, Lieutenant.
09:34Private.
09:35What can we do for you?
09:37It is about the incriminating photograph of you, Lieutenant, holding the painting of the fallen Madonna.
09:41Ah, the Coronel and Helga know all about that.
09:44You may speak freely in front of them.
09:45Very well.
09:47Some people from the Resistance, who I do not know, have asked me to tell you that if they do
09:52not receive the 10 million francs ransom for the incriminating photograph of the Lieutenant by 2 o'clock this afternoon,
09:58they will post the photograph to General von Klinkeroffen.
10:02René, these people you do not know, did they say how the money was to be exchanged for the photograph?
10:08Yes, Lieutenant.
10:15You are to stuff the 10 million francs inside this freshly caught 32-pound dogfish and dangle it in the
10:21river at the place that I will show you.
10:24An underwater resistance diver will swap it for a four-foot eel containing the incriminating photograph.
10:32That seems straightforward enough.
10:34What do you think, Coronel?
10:36Stuff the fish.
10:39I agree, it's a rotten idea.
10:41No, I mean, put this 10 million francs inside the fish.
10:47One of his big eyes is staring at me.
10:51You are popular, Lieutenant.
10:54Do I have to?
10:55It's an order, Gruber.
10:57Stuff it.
11:00Ow!
11:02It has bitten my finger.
11:04Fresher than I thought.
11:06Down, boy, down.
11:09Oh, Monsieur Alphonse, should we not be getting back to your little ears?
11:13We still have a lot of propaganda to broadcast.
11:15Oh, we must not broadcast too much, or the Germans will track us down.
11:20Ah, Madame Edith.
11:23If only you knew what happiness it gives me to be sitting here with you on this fine summer's day.
11:29You have chosen the perfect spot.
11:32The sun, the breeze, and see how still the waters of the river are.
11:37Just a few ripples.
11:39See them?
11:41Ah, yes, indeed.
11:44Perhaps later, I will open my flies.
11:47I beg your pardon.
11:50And get out my tackle.
11:52It may be old, but it is in perfect working order.
11:58One is rising now.
12:00Oh, Monsieur Alphonse, please.
12:02It was a trout.
12:06I used to be an excellent fisherman.
12:08I have my rod and my box of flies on the earth, just in case.
12:11Oh, that is a relief.
12:15Good morning.
12:16What a surprise to see you on the bunk.
12:22What a lovely do for it.
12:24Monsieur, we are having a picnic.
12:27A pock-knock splendid.
12:29Perhaps I could have a nobble.
12:33Smooked simmon.
12:35And what is the ween?
12:39A 1938 Chateau Neuf-du-Pip.
12:42You really are crooting yourselves to a slip-up mole.
12:45Monsieur, when a Frenchman takes a beautiful woman out for a picnic,
12:50he wants to be alone with her.
12:52Are you trying to tell me something?
12:55Yes.
12:56I am telling you to get knotted.
12:59There is no nude to bequeat so read about it.
13:02I can take a haunt.
13:04I knee when I am nitwinted.
13:06Good do to you both.
13:18Oh, at last we are alone.
13:21Oh, Madame Edith.
13:22How beautiful you are.
13:25How beautiful you are.
13:25Just to be here with you.
13:28Makes my dick ticker thump like a drum.
13:32Oh, Monsieur Affrance.
13:33I hope you are not going to take advantage of me.
13:35Hmm?
13:36I am a true French gentleman.
13:39I have nothing but the greatest to respect for your honor.
13:44Is anyone looking?
13:46No.
13:47No.
13:49Oh, oh.
13:51Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
13:53Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
13:58I can't.
13:59I am ready.
14:01Colonel, I think the dogfish has recovered.
14:03It is pulling hard on the line.
14:05Don't let it escape.
14:07Oh!
14:08Oh dear, the dogfish has bitten through the line.
14:12Stop it!
14:14Come back!
14:17You just run away, Colonel.
14:20You mean we have lost 10 million francs and not even got the photograph in exchange?
14:25You idiots.
14:27I blame you for this.
14:30No, Colonel, do not do anything hasty.
14:33René, what can we do?
14:35There is only one thing, Lieutenant.
14:38Run for it.
14:42Do you do much fishing, Monsieur Alphonse?
14:44No, ask whenever I can.
14:46There is nothing I like better than to be on a river bank on a fine summer's day dangling my
14:53rod in the water.
14:55I have fished all over.
14:56I have caught salmon in Scotland, tuna in Portugal, and once even a salt fish off the coast of Sicily.
15:03Oh, you are such a man of the world.
15:07I've been around and met many people in my life as an undertaker.
15:13Unfortunately, most of them were dead.
15:16Tell me some more to impress me.
15:22I've got a big one.
15:26Look!
15:31Monsieur Alphonse, I...
15:33There!
15:34Oh, my goodness, yes.
15:37It is a champion doke fish.
15:39Look at the size of it.
15:41It must worth it at least, what, 32 pounds.
15:45Well done, Monsieur Alphonse.
15:47We must sell it to the fishmonger.
15:49It could be worth a lot of money.
15:51Come on, we must pack up the picnic things immediately.
15:53Oh, but, Monsieur Alphonse, we are having such a good time.
15:57Oh, do not tell me you are more interested in fish than in me.
16:01Oh, Madame Edith, don't be silly.
16:05If it came to a choice between you and a dogfish worth maybe 2,000 francs,
16:12well, of course, there is no competition.
16:16Oh, you flatterer.
16:20The dogfish wins every time.
16:24What are Helga and I having for dinner?
16:27I was lucky.
16:27I found a freshly caught champion dogfish for sale at the fishmongers.
16:32It will be delicious.
16:35Why are you putting tulips in with a dogfish?
16:38I am cooking it in a Hollandaise sauce.
16:43Hollandaise sauce is made with egg yolk and butter, not tulips.
16:47But the recipe just said Hollandaise sauce.
16:49It did not say how to make it.
16:52You are a nincompoop, von Smallhausen.
16:58Good evening, Heflick.
16:59I hope I'm not too early for dinner.
17:01Not at all.
17:02Sit.
17:05You will serve up the fish, von Smallhausen.
17:07Yes, indeed.
17:08Oh, we have it, fish.
17:09Yummy.
17:10That is not very elegantly served.
17:13Well, we do not have a plate big enough, Heflick.
17:16We are doing our best, as you can see.
17:20Madame.
17:23Monsieur.
17:26What an interesting looking sauce.
17:29It is Hollandaise.
17:31An unusual recipe, known only to von Smallhausen,
17:34and the inmates of the Amsterdam Nuthouse.
17:42I feel like, are you all right?
17:45There appears to be some paper inside my dogfish.
17:48It looks like a thousand-franc moose.
17:50The fish is stuffed with them.
17:52Oh, my God, it can't be.
17:55Do you know something about this, Helga?
17:57Well, this afternoon, the colonel and Lieutenant Gruber paid over a blackmail demand of ten million francs to the resistance.
18:04It was concealed inside a large dogfish which swam away down the river with the money still inside it.
18:10By some remarkable coincidence, it has ended up on your table.
18:15Already a plan is forming in my brain.
18:18We have the money belonging to the colonel.
18:20He has the painting of the fallen Madonna,
18:23which is worth much more than the ten million francs he needs for the blackmailers.
18:27We will offer to trade the two and end up quid thin.
18:30Oh, that is a masterly plan, Herr Flick.
18:33Of course.
18:34We will put it into operation tomorrow.
18:36In the meantime, let us enjoy our fish.
18:45What's the matter, Herr Flick?
18:46You're not choking on more money.
18:48No.
18:51I nearly choked on a tulip.
18:54I could have given you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
18:56Oh, I am choking.
18:58I'm choking.
19:05I have announced that Hitler and Goering will be leaving the town tonight.
19:08The communist resistance will get to hear of it
19:10and make another attempt to capture them.
19:12We do not have to dress up as Hitler and Goering again, do we, General?
19:16I still have not recovered from our last experience.
19:20We will use a couple of expendable peasants who fit the uniforms.
19:24Where will you find them, General?
19:25In the cafe, in the square.
19:27We will put them in a car filled with explosives
19:30and follow at some distance behind in your little tank, Gruber.
19:33Then the communists surround the car.
19:35We will detonate the explosives and wipe them all out.
19:39Come, let us get the uniforms and go to the cafe at once.
19:42I'm not at all keen on this idea, Gruber.
19:45The peasants are going to be even less keen.
19:48At the double!
19:51Left, right, left, right, left, right, left.
19:57Three little maids, one spool of me.
20:00The girl's full of the world can be.
20:02Filled to the brim with girlish queens.
20:05Sweet little maids.
20:06Silence!
20:07From school.
20:11Unbelievable.
20:11All you peasants, line up across the cafe.
20:14Jump to it.
20:18I do not take orders from Germans,
20:20especially fat-balding ones with picky eyes.
20:26Who said that?
20:27She did.
20:29I am very sorry, General.
20:31It is my old mother-in-law.
20:32She is a little bit gaga.
20:34Come along, you silly old bat.
20:36Line up.
20:37You're going to get us all shocked.
20:38Come on, Fanny.
20:40Now, we are looking for two peasants
20:42to dress as Hitler and Goering
20:44and act as decoys to help us defeat the communist resistance.
20:48Any volunteers?
20:51That doesn't surprise me.
20:53Colonel Gruber, hold the uniforms up to the peasants.
20:55Whoever most closely fits the uniform acts as the decoys.
21:00I would not be seen dead in a German uniform.
21:04I spit on you all.
21:07Annie, control yourself.
21:09Silence in the line.
21:11Well, Gruber?
21:12I am afraid no one appears to match the Goering uniform, General.
21:16What a pity we will have to abandon the whole plan.
21:20What about that fellow there?
21:22But me?
21:23Oh, no.
21:24He looks nothing like Field Marshal Goering.
21:27Nonsense.
21:28He's just the right shape.
21:29But he has a moustache.
21:31Well, it will be dark.
21:32The communist will not notice a small detail like that at such a distance.
21:35Step forward, peasant.
21:39You will be Goering.
21:42What about the Hitler uniform, Colonel?
21:44There's no obvious candidate, General.
21:46Let me see.
21:52You're right.
21:53The men are no good.
22:00What about this one?
22:03It's a woman, General.
22:04I can see that.
22:06She's the right height and build.
22:09Hmm.
22:10Excellent.
22:11She will do nicely.
22:13Now, we need a peasant to act as driver.
22:15All non-driving peasants step backwards.
22:18What did he say?
22:20He said you are the driver.
22:23I must protest most...
22:25Silence!
22:26One more bird, they'll have you shot.
22:27Now, take them into another room and get them into the uniforms.
22:33We must help save the Mimi.
22:34We must stop the communists attacking the car.
22:36We will find Michelle.
22:37She will know what to do.
22:39I am dreadfully sorry, René.
22:41This whole business distresses me greatly.
22:43I am not over the moon about it myself, Lieutenant.
22:52Who is threeing stones at my window in the middle of the knit?
22:57Officer Crabtree, it is us.
22:59Do you know where we can find Michelle?
23:00It is urgent.
23:02I am here.
23:04Officer Crabtree and I were just discussing some very important resistance business.
23:08The Germans are dressing up Madame Edith and René as Hitler and Göring to act as decoys.
23:13The communists will attack them and perhaps they will be killed.
23:16We must find the communists and stop them.
23:18I know where you can find them.
23:20We will pit on some clues and be rot-dew.
23:23There is no team to lease.
23:29Not so fast, Monsieur Leclerc.
23:31It is against the law.
23:33We could be shot to pieces at any moment by the communist resistance.
23:36All you can worry about is the speed limit.
23:46What do you want?
23:47We asked Siri to disturb you at this tome of knit.
23:50We have come to warn you not to attack Heddy and Göring when they leave the town tonight.
23:53They are not the real Heddy and Göring, but René and Madame Edith.
23:57They have been forced to dress up by the Shermans to lay a trap to catch you.
24:00We are attacking no one tonight.
24:02We are in the middle of an important committee meeting.
24:05What is it?
24:06It is nothing. I have dealt with it.
24:07Come back inside then. We have reached item 6 on the agenda.
24:13If only our committee meetings were like that.
24:16I am ready to detonate the explosives as soon as the communist attacks the car.
24:21Isn't this fun?
24:23Yes, General. Just my idea of a night out.
24:27Any sign of the resistance yet, Boomer?
24:29No, General.
24:31The car is nearly at the bridge over the river, but no one has attacked it yet.
24:36The car is crossing the bridge.
24:39It is out of your jurisdiction now, General.
24:42The other side of the river is General Ron Car's approach territory.
24:46The communists must have got wind of your plan and stayed away.
24:50There! I am straight looking forward to blowing the road with the reeds.
25:00Who forgot to put the petrol in?
25:03Oh, dear.
25:06The communist resistance have not attacked any.
25:09Surely the gods must be smiling on us tonight.
25:13Is that our German soldiers on the road ahead?
25:15Thank God.
25:17There must be some of the General's men come to get us out of these wretched uniforms.
25:21This will be the Fuhrer now. Stop the car.
25:31General von Kassel brought officer commanding the Aberville garrison.
25:34We heard that you were leaving for Berlin tonight.
25:36However, we, a group of generals, have decided it is better if you do not get there.
25:40You have made a complete mess of this war, and now you have to pay the price.
25:44Take the Fuhrer into the field and shoot him.
25:48Berlin! Say something! Save me!
25:51You cannot do this.
25:53That is my wife.
25:55He is married to Gorik.
25:57We are not shooting them a moment too soon.
25:59Take him into the field and shoot him!
26:01What?
26:02Ah!
26:03Ah!
26:04Ah!
26:04Oh, something!
26:05Oh, something!
26:05Oh, something!
26:06Oh, something!
26:07Oh, something!
26:08Oh, something!
26:08Oh, something!