- 11 hours ago
Category
đș
TVTranscript
00:06I have had some lucky escapes in my time, but none quite so dramatic as the one last night.
00:12Edith and I went to the local church to act as lookouts while Monsieur Alphonse climbed
00:17onto the church roof to hammer off the lead for a battery we are building to power the
00:22secret resistance radio transmitter.
00:25While we were there, the local parish priest arrived and mistook Edith for Yvette, whom
00:31I was planning to marry in secret.
00:33Imagine my horror when the priest wanted to marry me to Edith.
00:38Fortunately, the hammer of Monsieur Alphonse fell through the roof and knocked the priest
00:43out before I could say, I do.
00:46No man has ever walked back down the aisle with a bigger smile on his face.
00:53We are not open for another hour.
00:55Not even for Louise.
00:57What?
00:57The woman who loves you.
00:59The woman who will kill for you.
01:00The woman who has waited two years to see you again.
01:04Well, I could bend the rules.
01:06But what are you doing here?
01:08Should you not be with your communist friends blowing up things?
01:10Oh, silence.
01:12Oh, silence.
01:12Hold me.
01:13Oh.
01:14Oh.
01:15Oh.
01:17Oh.
01:17I have thought about you constantly.
01:19Oh.
01:19And drawn strength from this lock of air I took from you all those years ago.
01:23Oh.
01:24Oh.
01:25Oh.
01:26Oh.
01:26Oh.
01:26Oh.
01:29Oh.
01:30Oh.
01:30Oh.
01:30Oh.
01:30Oh.
01:32Oh.
01:33Oh.
01:34Oh.
01:34Excuse me, Renée.
01:35Or I might do something drastic.
01:37Louise, you would not kill yourself.
01:40No.
01:40I would kill you.
01:42Well, yes, that would be rather drastic.
01:44But should we not wait until the war is over?
01:47The war will be over in a few days.
01:49But the allies have not even invaded yet.
01:51But we communists hold the trump card.
01:53We have captured Hitler and Goering.
01:55Oh, my God.
01:57We know that Michelle of the Resistance, as a radio transmitter, tell her to bring it to
02:03our headquarters in the old barn near the Abbeville Road.
02:06We will force Hitler to broadcast a surrender, thus ending the war at a stroke.
02:11Oh, excuse me.
02:11My brain is reeling.
02:12You mean you have Hitler and Goering tied up in a barn?
02:16Say, I'll look in the truck to shed at the back.
02:18Oh.
02:19Oh, Renée.
02:20We will broadcast the news of our marriage to the world.
02:24After a surrender broadcast from Hitler, that could come as a bit of an anticlimax.
02:29Renée!
02:31What are you doing with that brazen Nazi in your arms?
02:33You stupid woman!
02:37Can you not see that I am acting under duress?
02:40This is Louise of the Communist Resistance.
02:42Probably the most dangerous woman in the whole of France.
02:45Oh, I am sorry.
02:45I did not mean to speak out of turn.
02:48What was that about a brazen Nazi?
02:50Look what you have done now, Edith.
02:51You have made her very cross.
02:53She could shoot us both!
02:54Leave us!
02:55Unless she wants a bullet in the head.
02:56Oh, forgive me.
02:58I did not mean it.
03:00Just pretend I never came in.
03:01Here.
03:02Put your arms on him again, Edith.
03:04Careful!
03:05I have worn up the spout!
03:06Oh.
03:07Congratulations!
03:10Excuse me while I just slip away down the back passage.
03:15I must go now, Renée.
03:17I will escort you out.
03:18Come.
03:23Make sure you come to the barman, Michelle.
03:26Or I will come looking for you.
03:28I will be there.
03:29I promise.
03:39Oh.
03:41Oh, Renée.
03:42I saw everything through a crack in the door.
03:45How could you embrace that horrible girl?
03:47I thought you loved only me and her child.
03:50I do love only you, Edith.
03:52Oh, please.
03:53She forced me to hold her.
03:55It was horrible.
03:57Oh.
03:58I could feel her live hand grenades pressing into me.
04:01Oh.
04:02Oh.
04:03Oh.
04:04Oh.
04:06Oh.
04:17Oh.
04:19Oh.
04:20Oh.
04:22Oh.
04:23Oh, I am sorry, Renée.
04:26Oh.
04:26Oh.
04:27Oh.
04:30Oh.
04:30You must go upstairs and lie down for a bit, dearest.
04:34Oh.
04:35Oh.
04:35Oh.
04:38Oh.
04:39Oh.
04:39Oh, my soothing words and gentle hands will take away your anxieties.
04:45On second thoughts, a brisk straw around the square is what I need.
04:50Oh, quickly, Rickables.
04:52Oh.
04:52It must have been your soothing words, Madame Edith.
04:56You'll have to go and lie down for a bit alone.
05:00So what is new?
05:07Colonel von Strom's office?
05:09Ah, Helga.
05:10This is General von Klinkerhofen speaking.
05:13You may be wondering where the colonel and the left-hand gruber are today.
05:16Well, yes.
05:18They're not usually this late.
05:19I'm afraid they will not be in at all today.
05:22Nor any other day, probably.
05:24They've been taken prisoner by the resistance.
05:27This is terrible news.
05:29Yes, I was quite upset myself.
05:34I was with them at the time.
05:35We were ambushed on the main road.
05:38I managed to fight my way out.
05:39How brave.
05:41Oh, it was nothing.
05:42Now, Helga, today is the day those Gestapo fellows, Flick and von Smallhausen, are due to go before the firing
05:48squad.
05:49With the colonel and gruber gone, I will require your presence at the execution.
05:54Yes, General.
05:55And, Helga, I have told you about the colonel and the lieutenant in the strictest of confidence.
06:00Not a word of it must go any further.
06:02Of course, General.
06:03My lips are sealed.
06:04Good.
06:05Heil Hitler.
06:11Heidi?
06:12You won't believe what's happened to the colonel and lieutenant gruber.
06:17This is a fine mess we've gotten to gruber.
06:20What do we do now?
06:21Please, colonel, do not use my real name.
06:25Those rough communist resistance girls may be listening at the door.
06:29Tell us not know we are impostors or they will shoot us.
06:32That is true, Adolf.
06:35We must act our parts convincingly.
06:37If we can fool them long enough, we might find a way to escape.
06:41I will do my best to act like the Fuhrer.
06:43I will be strong.
06:45I will be masterful.
06:48Don't forget the mad glint in the eyes.
06:54That's the one.
07:03How dare you keep us here like this?
07:06It is an outrage!
07:08The German troops will be searching the area for us!
07:13Release us now!
07:15And we will show you mercy!
07:17Silence, you mad interior decorator!
07:25The Fuhrer is silent.
07:27You are now going to help us with our plan to end the war.
07:30We will do nothing of the sort.
07:32I have headed the Luftwaffe.
07:33I do not cooperate with enemy terrorists.
07:38Well, I could be flexible at that point.
07:42As for you, you will do everything we say.
07:46Or I will turn you over to my trusty lieutenant here.
07:49And she will amuse herself with you.
07:53Or we will endure that.
07:55The Fuhrer fears nothing a woman can do.
07:58That is not entirely true.
08:01Here is our plan.
08:03We are going to put you on the radio.
08:05You will announce that the war is over.
08:07And order all your troops to lay down their arms.
08:09I think we can probably do that.
08:11Any objections, Herman?
08:13None at all, Adolf.
08:15I always thought we shouldn't have started it in the first place.
08:18Conditional or unconditional surrender?
08:20Unconditional, of course.
08:22Of course.
08:23Why make waves?
08:25Come for you when it is time to make the broadcast.
08:35Well, I think we showed them we weren't going to be pushed around.
08:38Yeah, don't.
08:40Absolutely, Herman.
08:42I have just agreed to end the war, which will make Hitler very cross.
08:45If they don't shoot us, he will.
08:47I wonder if any of these medals contains a suicide pill.
08:52Thanks to your invaluable information, René,
08:55Officer Crabtree and I have devised a cunning plan to snatch Hitler and Goering
08:59from the aided communist resistance.
09:02Michelle, please, I have just had that floor clean.
09:06I am sorry, René.
09:07I just cannot abide those obnoxious cummies.
09:13I also do not lick the kimmies.
09:17I hate them, too.
09:23A curse on them.
09:26Will you stop it?
09:27If you carry on like this, I would have to ask Mimi to bring you a bucket each.
09:31We will control ourselves, René.
09:33Now, listen.
09:34We must be the ones to broadcast Hitler's surrender on the radio.
09:37Then we will take power in the new France.
09:40We will rule.
09:41We will control.
09:42We will wipe out the Bolsheis and create a new free France in which people like me make all the
09:46decisions.
09:48Remind me to emigrate.
09:51Now, here is the plan.
09:56Listen very carefully, for I shall say this only once.
10:00We will go to the barn and meet the communists.
10:02Whip!
10:04I'm sorry.
10:06We will pretend to discuss the radio broadcast with them while Officer Crabtree blows an hole in the world with
10:12dynamite to reach Hitler and Göring.
10:14The sticks of dynamite are in here disguised as kindles.
10:19That is a lot of dynamite.
10:21It is not all dynamite.
10:22Some are real kindles.
10:24When the dynamite explodes, we will overpower the communists, while others snatch Hitler and Göring, who will be rendered unconscious
10:31with this clariform.
10:33We nude a villain tour to accompany me to admonster the clariform to Hotler and Göring.
10:39I will follow you.
10:41Oh no Mimi, I want you inside the barn.
10:43If it comes to a fight, we will need you there.
10:46Well, I am not a young man, and my ticker is a little ticky, but I will accompany you, Officer
10:54Crabtree.
10:55Always keen for action.
10:57Indeed I am, madam.
11:04I will assign two of my best girls to help you.
11:06Oh, good, good.
11:09And I will arrange with the resistance to charge them for my time at the usual rate.
11:14And now we must go.
11:16We will leave for the barn this afternoon.
11:17We will meet you there at three.
11:19Three.
11:22By nightfall, Hitler and Göring will be ours.
11:24And once and for all, we will wipe out the threat of the communist resistance.
11:31Michel promised they would not do that anymore.
11:33Shall I fetch them back?
11:35No, fetch a mop and bucket.
11:37Curse those communists.
11:42We will broadcast the ends of the war, then bond our two resistance groups together, with a marriage between my
11:47lieutenant Louise and René Artois.
11:50You will do nothing of the kind when he is married to me.
11:53We will settle this in a true communist resistance way.
11:57We will both fight for this man.
11:59But comrade, it is quite clear they are not evenly matched.
12:02In that case, this old moth may nominate him as well.
12:05Why is Olivia?
12:06Excuse me, madame Edith.
12:08I will chew her up and spit her out.
12:11I nominate Mimi.
12:13With reluctance.
12:14Oh, this is ridiculous.
12:16We have come here to discuss a radio broadcast, not to fight over some balding bartender.
12:21You will fight those words later on.
12:23Louise, Louise, calm yourself.
12:24I do not want you to get hurt either.
12:27What if you lose an ear or a nose?
12:28You are right, René.
12:30I will nominate someone else to fight for me too.
12:32Well, bring them out.
12:33I will eat them up for breakfast.
12:35I nominate.
12:37Desiree.
12:41If you will have dinner and lunch as well.
12:48Let the fight begin.
12:50Come on, Mimi, come on!
12:54This could be a long fight.
12:58This is the spit, Monsieur Alphins.
13:01Hotler and Gearing should be on the other seed of this well.
13:05Give me the dinner note.
13:07Try to be quick.
13:08I do not like the look of those two bulls on the other side of that field.
13:12They are staring at us.
13:19Stand still and fight, you coward.
13:21Do you give up yet?
13:22Never.
13:23I will ring your neck if ever I manage to reach it.
13:27No!
13:30This is too easy!
13:32Right?
13:33Right?
13:34There is only one way to settle this.
13:37I mean, come on.
13:43Fight! Dirty!
13:44Yes!
13:48Can't you hurry!
13:49Those bulls are looking very restive!
13:52Yes!
13:53Yes!
13:54Yes!
13:55Yes!
13:56Yes!
13:57Yes!
13:57Yes!
13:57Yes!
13:57Yes!
13:58Yes!
14:01Yes!
14:11Yes!
14:11Oh, monsieur, I am dripping my truzers.
14:16It would look good for someone of my standing to be found behind a barn,
14:20with a man with his trousers down.
14:22Leak.
14:25I am wearing red knockers under my truzers.
14:29Red knockers have been known to attract balls.
14:34It is the killer that makes the mid.
14:38Are you sure?
14:39No, but it is worth a tree.
14:42I will bend over and the balls will become a ring.
14:47And then charge towards me.
14:50At the lost minute, I will jimp aside and the balls will smish through the wooden will.
14:59Rather you more than me, monsieur.
15:03Stand by with the chloroform.
15:05Our champion has defeated your champion.
15:08We have demonstrated our superiority.
15:10We now demand that you give out Hitler and Göring.
15:13We will make the broadcast and take the credit for ending the war.
15:16Never.
15:16We are in control now.
15:18Not you and your prussy, simpering little girls.
15:21What did you call us?
15:23Prussy, simpering little girls.
15:26Right.
15:26I have had enough.
15:34I am standing by, monsieur.
15:43I have softly sped off cotton wool with chloroform to knock out Hitler and Göring.
15:47Can you see the two balls?
16:19Very clearly indeed.
16:25Mr. Alphonse?
16:27Mr. Alphonse?
16:33What is that?
16:37What do you see?
16:38Just a squashed policeman.
16:41How's our chance to escape?
16:55There's a van up there on the load.
16:57Let's hide in it.
17:06Do you not think you should help?
17:08I think it's more a spectator sport.
17:13What happened after I was trimpled on?
17:16I'm not sure, monsieur.
17:18I was out cold when the bull arrived.
17:20What about Hotler and Göring?
17:23They're not there.
17:24I've had a look.
17:25Oh, come on.
17:26I'll get you back to the van.
17:27Another old moaty kick-up.
17:38Hitler and Göring, they have escaped.
17:40Cass, we aren't done.
17:42Any offers?
17:46What become of those resistance girls who were so pissed to be helping us?
17:52They run off when the bull charged.
17:55I cannot bloom them.
17:57One has to admire the nerve of those Spanish ball farters.
18:05Not a sport to enjoy.
18:14You are to be shot for stealing money from the Garrison pay truck.
18:17Do you still deny the charge?
18:19Yes.
18:20And I demand a fair trial.
18:22Denied.
18:23You are allowed one last request before you're blindfolded.
18:27I need no blindfold.
18:29But I would like a final kiss from Private Helga Gerhardt.
18:34Permission, General?
18:36Very well.
18:48Blindfold?
18:49No.
18:50I'm watching for the postman.
18:53Last request?
18:55I would also like a final kiss from Helga.
18:58Actually, it will be my first.
19:01Request denied.
19:02But you cannot deny me my last request.
19:04It is my right.
19:06Oh, very well.
19:08Give him one.
19:09I should have to blindfold it first.
19:28You missed me.
19:30Hard cheese.
19:34Ready?
19:36General, there is a telegram for you from Berlin.
19:39I will read it later.
19:40Take aim.
19:41Perhaps you should look at it, General.
19:43Oh, very well.
19:44Read it to me.
19:45It is from Uncle Heine von Smallhausen.
19:47We are saved.
19:49New jacket ready 14th this month.
19:51Will send by special messenger.
19:54Spare buttons in pocket.
19:56It is from your tailor.
19:58Excellent news.
19:59It's a rather natty houndstooth with patch pockets.
20:02Our hopes are dashed.
20:04Ready?
20:05Take aim.
20:06General, there is an urgent telegram for you from Berlin.
20:09Not another one.
20:10Can I not shoot a couple of fellows in peace?
20:12My squad, take aim!
20:14Stop!
20:17I expect the trousers are ready, too.
20:20What the devil are you playing at?
20:23This telegram is from Reichsfuhrer Heinrich Himmler, General.
20:26It is a pardon for the two prisoners.
20:28Let me see.
20:35I am ordered to release you and your assistant, Herr Flick.
20:39But your godfather says,
20:40Do not do it again, you naughty boy.
20:43Good old Uncle Heine.
20:46You are very lucky fellows to have friends in high places.
20:49Damn nepotism!
21:01I've got a terrible clamp.
21:03It's been hours.
21:05Where are we?
21:06We are in the square, Colonel.
21:08What luck?
21:09In 15 minutes, we can be back in our quarters.
21:11Are you mad, Gruber?
21:13We can't walk around dressed as Hitler and Goering.
21:16Those communists will be looking everywhere for us.
21:18Then what can we do?
21:20We will go to Rennie at the cafe.
21:22We can telephone from there
21:23and get Helga to bring us our proper uniforms.
21:31What do you want now?
21:33We want more olives.
21:35And there is no salt on the crisps.
21:37There is a war on you, know.
21:38That is all you are getting.
21:42It is no fun coming down here anymore, Fanny.
21:45There's not even any music.
21:47Why is Edith not singing tonight?
21:50She is having a lie down upstairs.
21:52She is not feeling well.
21:55Oh, well then, we must take her some of our stomach powders.
22:01And a drop of that brandy cordial.
22:04That will make her feel better.
22:08Do not bring the crisps into the bags they get at my nighting.
22:16Rennie, I must speak to you immediately.
22:18It will have to be quick, Yvette.
22:23Good for the wind.
22:26What is it?
22:27That Louise girl frightens me.
22:29What if she forces you to marry her?
22:30Oh, calm yourself.
22:31I am not going to marry Louise.
22:33I am more concerned about Hitler and Göring.
22:35I was very worried when he gave me that little wave when he took the salute.
22:39I get the impression he fancied you.
22:41Yes, so did I.
22:42It was not a good sign.
22:44Someone is outside.
22:46Oh, my God.
22:48Oh, my God.
22:50It is Hitler.
22:51I am dressed for a penny.
22:52Let me in.
22:53I am sorry, Adolf.
22:54Go away.
22:55I am already spoken for.
22:57My God.
22:58He has found me.
22:59Oh, he is climbing in the window.
23:01Are you sure you did not wave back?
23:03Of course not.
23:04Let me in, Rennie.
23:05It is I, Lieutenant Gruber.
23:07Oh, that is a relief.
23:09Oh, you must help us, Rennie.
23:11You too, Colonel.
23:12But why are you dressed as Hitler and Göring?
23:14It is a long story.
23:15We must use your telephone.
23:16Yes.
23:18It is the communist resistance.
23:21They will shoot us.
23:22Please hide us, Rennie.
23:25Crouch down behind the bar.
23:26Head for the back stairs.
23:27Yvette, go and stand on the top of the bar
23:29and adjust your suspenders.
23:30That will distract everything.
23:31Now, go on.
23:32Go on.
23:33Yes, I am coming.
23:35I am coming.
23:41Louise, Maxine.
23:44What are these for?
23:45Our sniffer dogs.
23:47They have picked up the scent at last.
23:50Do they both have herniers?
23:53No.
23:54With our rolling small, they cannot walk far.
23:56So we have to carry them.
23:57They have picked up the scent a bit clear in Göring,
23:59outside in the alley.
24:00Have you seen them?
24:01No, no, no.
24:02Of course not.
24:03No, no.
24:03They must have just simply run past.
24:05They will not get far.
24:07Come, Louise.
24:08We will hunt them down mercilessly.
24:11After them, Caesar.
24:15It will not be long before we catch them, René.
24:17We are searching the old village.
24:19Anyone found giving them shelter,
24:21we will slit their throats.
24:24I love you.
24:30Oh, this sex appeal.
24:33Quick, in here.
24:35Ah!
24:36Hitler, I'm going.
24:38See, Kyle.
24:39See, Kyle.
24:41No, madame, it is.
24:42It is only Lieutenant Grober and the colonel in disguise.
24:46It is succumbing, it is succumbing.
24:48Quick, it's a wardrobe.
24:52Find your own hiding place.
24:59Do not give us away, I beg you.
25:02Mama, Monsieur Leclerc, what are you doing here?
25:05Ernest says you are unwell, Edis.
25:08We have been to the attic to get our stomach powders,
25:10and here is a brandy cordial.
25:12Edis, am I imagining it,
25:15or is there someone else in your bed?
25:18Mama, how could you even suggest such a thing?
25:22Ah, this is a man.
25:25But I do not blame you, Edis.
25:28Who is this secret lover?
25:32Ah!
25:32Ah!
25:33It is a secret lover.
25:35My daughter is having it off with Hitler.
25:39Keep your voice down.
25:40And Goering is watching from the wardrobe.
25:43What shame!
25:44For God's sake, keep quiet.
25:46The Communist resistance could be back up here at any moment.
25:49Madame Fanny has fainted.
25:51Oh, no.
25:51I am sorry, Renée, it was my fault.
25:53I will give her a brandy.
25:55You must hide us until the Communists give up the chase.
25:57Oh, my God, if they come up here and find you,
25:59they will slit my throat.
26:01Here, give me that brandy.
26:02Ah!
26:04Are you going to give it to Mama?
26:06No, I am going to give it to myself.
26:09I need it more than her.