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00:02You are possibly wondering why a man who leads such a dangerous life is a ming a happy tune.
00:07Well, I have a cause for celebration.
00:11Contrary to expectations, Yvette, my young waitress, has turned out not to be pregnant at all.
00:17Apparently the doctor's test got mixed up when a frog jumped into the wrong bottle.
00:22Well, after such a narrow escape, I have sworn a vow to be true to my wife, Edith.
00:34Naturally, I have not yet told Edith, in case I cannot keep it up, but I am going to do
00:40my best.
00:41After all, it is ridiculous for a man of my age to go chasing after young girls.
00:45I must be realistic and let age take its course.
00:50Oh, how about a quick cuddle in the back room?
00:54Not tonight, Yvette.
00:56Well, Madame Edith is poking in the kitchen.
01:00The dying embers of the stone.
01:04Well, speaking of dying embers, and I was not going to tell you this so soon, but this mad affair
01:10of ours is over.
01:11Oh, oh, I may. Say it is not so.
01:15Well, it had to end sometime.
01:18Just as autumn follows summer, and the leaves of the chestnut trees turn brown and shrivel and fall.
01:26Not to mention the conkers.
01:30Honey, is there someone else?
01:34How could there be? Every spare moment I am with you.
01:37Holding you and kissing you and running my fingers through your hair.
01:40Feeling your warm breath on my cheek.
01:43Holding your firm, young body against my firm, starched apron.
01:50Quick, the back room.
01:53Oh, my God.
01:55Are you all right?
01:56I think I have lost a few more leaves.
02:00Oh, I am sorry.
02:02Did I startle you?
02:04You stupid woman.
02:06How dare you give me a fright like that?
02:09What do you mean by creeping around with a poke and spying on me?
02:12What are you saying?
02:14I was poking the stove in the kitchen when somehow the door got stuck.
02:18I had to go round the side and through the open window into the back room.
02:22Did you not hear me calling?
02:23I heard nothing.
02:25And why would I be spying on you?
02:28Have you been doing something I would not like?
02:31I have never done anything you would not like.
02:35This is true.
02:37You better clear the tables.
02:40We close very soon.
02:41Yes, sir.
02:43What is wrong with her?
02:45Well, it is clear that she is very upset because she did not hear you.
02:49She's very fond of you, you know.
02:51Oh, what a good girl she is.
02:54Oh, well, now the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber have deserted and gone to Spain with the fallen Madonna.
03:00Perhaps we can get back to a quiet life again.
03:03I look forward to it.
03:04I have had enough excitement for one war.
03:08Shall we go into the back room like we used to?
03:10It has been a long time since we popped in there for a cuddle.
03:13You mean that wet Thursday in 1937?
03:17Thank you, remembering that.
03:20Well, that was when I got an electric shock looking for the light switch.
03:24Tripped over a chair and broke my tooth on the table.
03:27One does tend to remember that sort of night.
03:30I will go first and put on the light.
03:33Ah!
03:36It is the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber.
03:38Oh, no.
03:40I knew it was too good to be true.
03:43René.
03:48We need to talk to you.
03:49We have a slight problem.
03:51Something tells me it is going to become our problem.
03:54If that means it, Barth.
03:59We were supposed to be heading for Spain.
04:02The damned Arius.
04:05On the road just before the border.
04:07Blew up the van.
04:08We stole bicycles.
04:10Hiding by day and riding by night.
04:13And headed back here to find the one person we knew would help us escape.
04:16But we have done all we can.
04:17Yes, go.
04:19If the General finds a couple of deserters hiding here, we will be shot.
04:22He does not know we were deserting.
04:24Look, the General has the photo of you with the painting.
04:26Also, you have been missing for a week.
04:28By now, we will have put two and two together.
04:30Please, go.
04:31Come, come.
04:31We get caught.
04:33You get caught.
04:34May I make a suggestion?
04:36What if the photo were taken against your will while you were prisoners of the Resistance?
04:40Oh, we do not know.
04:42Let us see where I captured you.
04:43They forced the brave lieutenant to pose with the painting of the former Madonna,
04:47which they had stolen themselves,
04:49but putting the blame on you,
04:51and thereby making the General assume that you had deserted with the painting.
04:55But why would the Resistance, who you do not know, make such an elaborate plot?
05:00Yes.
05:02Now you have worked yourself in the corner.
05:06So that they could have you both flown to England
05:09to reveal the German defense plans to combat the British invasion,
05:13which could be imminent.
05:15That is a remarkable hypothesis, Madame Eadius.
05:18Oh, thank you.
05:19I read a lot of Edgar Allan Poe.
05:21I am well acquainted with complex plots and a tragic life.
05:28When do you do all this reading?
05:30Waiting for you to come to bed.
05:34How do we convince the General of this story?
05:37Well, what if he found you bound and blindfold,
05:40hiding in the old windmill north of the town?
05:43That would be a lucky chance.
05:44About one in a million.
05:46Not if they were able to write a note and smuggle it out in a bottle,
05:50giving clues as to their whereabouts.
05:52What sort of clues?
05:53Oh, the sort of clues that an intelligent man like the General would find easy to solve.
05:58Just a minute.
05:59What if nobody found the bottle?
06:01You will find it on a morning stroll by the canal.
06:05Oh, yes, I can see it now.
06:08Hello, General.
06:08I was just strolling by the canal,
06:10and I could not resist jumping in to pick out an old bottle,
06:13just in case there was a message in it for you.
06:15And there was, and here it is.
06:17No, that would not be believable.
06:21What would Edgar Allan Poe have done?
06:23Oh, something unexpected.
06:25Let me think.
06:27Yes.
06:28He would have flushed the lavatory, and up it would have popped.
06:36Well, what would have been unexpected?
06:39I hesitate to ask, but where did it come from?
06:42The lieutenant, having managed to write a note,
06:45dropped the bottle down a drain in the mill.
06:47It has rained a lot.
06:49The drains cannot cope with the surge,
06:51and forced a bottle up our outlet pipe.
06:54You see the chapter read in now?
06:57The mystery of the bottle in the bog.
07:01So outrageous, it could work.
07:04What alternative do we have?
07:06We could always shoot ourselves.
07:09No.
07:10We will use this plan.
07:12Madame Meadis, please get our clothes.
07:13We will go to the windmill.
07:15Have you transport?
07:16Oh, Monsieur Alphonse is still here.
07:18He can give you a lift in his ass.
07:20Well, can we trust the undertaker?
07:21Oh, he will suspect nothing.
07:23He often gives people lifts in his ass,
07:25and the last bus has gone.
07:29A remarkable woman.
07:31I've always wondered why you married her.
07:33I see now.
07:34It was for her intellect.
07:35Well, it was a deciding factor, eh?
07:39Honey, I have under my dress something which I would like to leave in your hands.
07:47Your thanks will be enough.
07:50It is the painting of the fallen Madonna with the missing boobies.
07:54Look after it for us.
07:55Of course, Ed.
07:57May I inquire where the, um, the other bit of it is, please?
08:01Helga has it, so she can be cut in when it's sold.
08:04Ah, women, how wily they can be.
08:06I will keep it safe.
08:07You have my word.
08:09I would be delighted to accede to your request.
08:13But it appears.
08:15The wine has gone to my legs.
08:18My brain is as clear as a bell.
08:24My legs are on strike.
08:26Oh, please, Monsieur Alphonse.
08:28Try walking up and down.
08:30We will help you.
08:31It will clear your head.
08:32Come on.
08:41I feel nothing below the watch chain.
08:44Monsieur Alphonse, please.
08:49Oh, René.
08:51Monsieur Alphonse is tiddly.
08:53He cannot drive the earth.
08:55You will have to help him drive.
08:56I will go and get your topper.
08:58What excuse do I have for sitting on top of a earth in a topper at midnight with a couple
09:03of dancing girls?
09:05Let me think.
09:06We have our uniforms.
09:08We could change.
09:09In uniform, we could be recognized.
09:12Well, Edgar?
09:14You and Monsieur Alphonse are two typical Frenchmen who have enjoyed a convivial evening.
09:20And now you have picked up two tarts and are taking them into the woods for a bit of hanky
09:25-panky.
09:28Edith, do not be ridiculous.
09:30I am a respected member of this community.
09:32What would people say?
09:34All the other men do eat.
09:36I have often wondered why you do not.
09:39The neighbors are beginning to talk.
09:41Even I had heard the rumors.
09:46In that case, it is time.
09:47They were put to rest.
09:53I don't remember ordering two more women.
09:56You did not.
09:57Yes.
09:58Thank goodness.
09:59Now, pay attention, Monsieur Alphonse.
10:01You and Rennie are pretending to go to the woods with two tarts that you have picked up for a
10:06little bit of hanky-panky.
10:10In my state, it could only be pretending.
10:14The big one looks damn for anything.
10:20They look too well dressed for local tarts.
10:23We are poor.
10:24With cheap clothes.
10:25Cheap perfume.
10:26Which is why we are cheap.
10:27You are right.
10:29Take them upstairs and put them in more suitable clothes.
10:32Follow me.
10:32Go.
10:34Oh, and touch up their makeup.
10:37The colonel is looking very rattled in this light.
10:40He would look very rattled in any light.
10:43You have really got the bit between the teeth, have you not, Edith?
10:45Oh, it is so wonderful to be wanted, to be useful.
10:50I often think of good plots, but I am never asked to help.
10:54I am always brushed aside.
10:56This is my moment.
10:59It could be my last.
11:06Come on.
11:08Come on.
11:10Come on.
11:20I hope when these neighbors are in bed, all tongues will bag.
11:24It's supposed to be good for his deputation with the girls.
11:27Yes, but not with an old tarp like you.
11:37Here, this is our pitch.
11:39What are you doing here?
11:40Who are these two as scrubbers?
11:42You don't mind.
11:44Ignore them.
11:45Ah, clear off.
11:46You're going to start a bad name looking like that.
11:49You clear off.
11:51Yes, mind your own business.
11:53What's your lips, shorty?
11:55Shorty?
11:56How dare you.
12:02Well, where goes the neighborhood?
12:07You certainly wield a mean handbag, gripper.
12:10I was just getting the hang of it when they ran away.
12:15Now, hold on tight, monsieur Alphonse.
12:17We do not want you falling off the ears.
12:20Giddy up.
12:23Why is this horse not moving?
12:25She only moves to the sound of my voice.
12:28Well, tell her to go towards the front of the cafe and stop.
12:33Listen carefully, Alphonse.
12:36Walk to the front of the cafe, then stop.
12:39Your master has spoken.
12:50Interesting activity here, my field marshal.
12:54So it seems.
12:59Unless I am mistaken, Wolfgang.
13:02This one was here in 1917.
13:06Yes, poor thing.
13:08She still hasn't had any luck.
13:10I wonder how much longer she's going to persevere.
13:18We are ready for you.
13:24Well, I think that answers your question.
13:31Have you got our uniforms?
13:33And two blindfolds and some rope.
13:43Are you looking for a naughty senior person?
13:46Have you money?
13:48We are in the Paymaster Corps.
13:50We are loaded.
13:52Can you manage three flights of stairs?
13:54Yes.
13:55Unfortunately, nothing after.
13:58Good night.
14:00I'll be back later.
14:08I must speak with you urgently.
14:10What have you been doing down my back passage, Michelle?
14:15Listen very carefully.
14:16I shall say this only once.
14:18Today, I am holding a special meeting
14:20to sign on new members of the Resistance.
14:22It will be held at a new secret rendezvous.
14:25Where is that?
14:26It is a secret.
14:29Why are you telling us this?
14:31Because I need a few provisions
14:32for our introductory wine and cheese party.
14:36Oh, these will do for starters.
14:38Have you any cheese?
14:39No.
14:40Oh, never mind.
14:41I will go and buy some Camembert.
14:45Michelle has got such a nerve.
14:47One of these days,
14:48someone is going to tell her where to get up.
14:50Yes, well, I nearly did.
14:51But it is time to go and give the general
14:53his bottle with the note in it.
14:55Yes, I'm still worried, Edith,
14:57that he will not believe that I found it
14:58when I pulled the chain in the bathroom.
15:01Perhaps it would be safer
15:02if someone else found the bottle.
15:04But who?
15:06Good morning.
15:08Good morning.
15:11I wonder if by chance
15:13you have in your kiffy
15:14anything for a haddock.
15:18We have a rather nice tartar sauce
15:21you could put on it.
15:22Where is the haddock?
15:24In my hod.
15:26Oh, a headache.
15:29That is what I sod.
15:32I get a bit of a hungover.
15:34I hit the bit of a bottle last night.
15:38Here is my secret recipe.
15:41Try that.
15:44Ah, that hit the spit.
15:47I'm very grateful to you, Ronnie.
15:50Perhaps you could do me a favor.
15:52Just noom it.
15:54You give that to the general.
15:56Tell him you got it from a peasant
15:58who you do not know
15:59who found it where he cannot remember.
16:02What is this nit in the bittle?
16:05It is a cryptic message
16:06for General von Klingorfen.
16:08Whatever you say, Ronnie,
16:10it's K.O. with moon.
16:14General von Klingorfen.
16:16All stand.
16:19Sit.
16:21Ah, there you are.
16:22Distribute these posters.
16:23You, peasant.
16:24Put these up in your window
16:25and pass them around.
16:26Yes, General.
16:27Is it important?
16:28Of course.
16:29Today at noon
16:30we are having target practice.
16:31We will be blowing up
16:33the old windmill
16:33to the north of the town.
16:35Peasants are warm
16:36to stay clear.
16:38Get on with it.
16:40Before I go,
16:41this nit is for you.
16:44What is he saying?
16:45He says the note
16:46in the bottle is for you.
16:48While you rude it,
16:49I will piss up the posters.
16:57He was given it anonymously
17:00from an unknown peasant.
17:01Search.
17:04Read it.
17:07General.
17:09It's from the colonel
17:10and Lieutenant Gruber.
17:11They've been captured
17:12by the resistance
17:13who are waiting
17:14for the RAF
17:15to take them to London
17:17to reveal our plans
17:18to defeat the invasion.
17:19They are being held
17:21blindfolded and bound
17:22in a place
17:23where the wind always blows.
17:25There is much grinding
17:26of beers
17:27and a whoosh,
17:29whoosh,
17:29whoosh sound.
17:31How cryptic
17:32and unsolvable.
17:34Nothing is unsolvable.
17:36I knew they haven't deserted.
17:37Let me see.
17:40A place where the wind
17:41always blows?
17:43Don't tell me
17:44it's the big bean factory.
17:46Perhaps we could
17:47assist you, General.
17:48Be quiet, cousin.
17:50A grinding of wheels
17:52and a whoosh,
17:53whoosh, whoosh sound.
17:56I have it.
17:57Of course,
17:58it's obvious.
17:59It's the laundry.
18:01But, Kera,
18:01you'll organize
18:02an immediate search
18:03of all the laundries
18:03while we are blowing
18:04up the windmill.
18:05Yes, General.
18:06Now, go to my command post.
18:09So much for your
18:10cryptic message, Edith.
18:12Well, you could have
18:13given him an helping hint.
18:15Suggested the grinding noise
18:16was the grinding of corn
18:17and pointed to the grains
18:19of corn in the bottle.
18:20He would have spent the day
18:21searching chiropodists.
18:23No, I will go to the windmill
18:24and rescue them.
18:25Oh, no, René.
18:26You cannot go there.
18:28You will be blown up.
18:29This is all because
18:30of your meddling.
18:31Oh, I will not meddle anymore.
18:34But what will you say
18:36when they see you
18:37near the windmill?
18:40I am placing posters
18:42to warn the peasants.
18:43Huh?
18:44Oh, why did I not
18:46think of that?
18:47Because Edgar Allan Poe
18:48did not write it.
18:55Helga is here,
18:56Herr Flick.
18:59Herr Flick.
19:02Center in.
19:04This way.
19:06I have a surprise for you.
19:09Oh, good heavens.
19:11It's the invisible man.
19:13It is I, Herr Flick.
19:15Herr Flick.
19:16What has happened
19:17to your face?
19:18I have undergone
19:19plastic surgery
19:20to alter my appearance.
19:21The Allies will be here
19:23any day now
19:24and I need a new identity
19:25in order to escape
19:26to Argentina.
19:28So that is why
19:28I have not seen you
19:29for a while.
19:31Oh, Herr Flick,
19:31will you look much different?
19:33My plastic surgeon,
19:35the eminent
19:35Professor von Bungler,
19:38says I will emerge
19:39from these bandages
19:40even more handsome
19:41than I was before.
19:43Is that possible?
19:45Well, there was room
19:45for improvement.
19:48I have used
19:49some of the 10 million francs
19:51from the pay truck robbery
19:52to finance my new face.
19:54But there is still
19:55plenty left.
19:56Of the face?
19:57Of the 10 million francs.
19:59No doubt this news
20:01makes me even more
20:02attractive to you, Helga.
20:03Oh, yes, Herr Flick.
20:05May I kiss you
20:06through the hole
20:08in your bandages?
20:09Of course.
20:13Be careful
20:14you do not squash
20:15my new nose.
20:17I do not want
20:18to arrive in Argentina
20:19looking like
20:19an orangutan.
20:34How much longer
20:35must we wait?
20:37You should have given
20:38better clues.
20:39We could be here forever.
20:42I hear someone coming.
20:43It must be the general.
20:46Help!
20:46Help!
20:47We ain't here!
20:52Oh, shit!
20:53It is me, René.
20:55René, what are you doing here?
20:57There is the general.
20:58He is not coming.
20:59Even as we speak,
21:00he is at his command post
21:01waiting to leave
21:02the order for target practice.
21:04But why release us?
21:05This wingmill is the target.
21:07It is to be blown up
21:08at any moment.
21:09Oh!
21:11It would appear
21:12this brilliant plan
21:13has gone slightly wrong.
21:15Run, Trevor!
21:16Run for it!
21:25Come back!
21:26Come back!
21:26That is my bike!
21:33Finally!
21:34At last I find you alone.
21:36Oh, Louise!
21:37What a surprise!
21:39What are you doing
21:39at the windmill?
21:40On Tuesdays
21:41it's our meeting day.
21:42Of course it is.
21:43That is why
21:44I was looking for you.
21:45To warn you
21:46to expect a big bang
21:47at any moment.
21:48Oh, my God.
21:49Oh, my God.
21:50Come on, Louise.
21:51The Germans are using
21:52the windmill
21:52for target practice.
21:54You must run.
21:54Quick!
21:55Be on the band!
22:02We've got out
22:03just in time.
22:04What about René?
22:05We took his bicycle.
22:07There's only room
22:08for two.
22:09It's for fortunes
22:10of war.
22:14Dear Flattern,
22:15that we need.
22:16It's a narrow escape.
22:18Now I must get back
22:19and let everyone
22:19know that I am safe.
22:20After all,
22:21I am a hero
22:22of the resistance.
22:23Of course,
22:23I know it is not
22:24the communist resistance,
22:25but the same sort of thing.
22:26Why let an hero
22:27go back at all?
22:28We need all the help
22:29we can get.
22:30Good idea.
22:31Take off your clothes.
22:33People will be
22:33looking for me.
22:34They will find
22:35only your smoldering
22:36trousers
22:36and personal effects.
22:38They will think
22:39you died in the windmill.
22:40Now, Louise,
22:41that is a madcap idea.
22:43If you insist.
22:50I am in a foul temper.
22:52Some idiot
22:53told the German
22:54to search the laundry
22:55while I was holding
22:55a secret meeting there.
22:57I was lucky
22:58to escape with my life
22:59and a bag
22:59of unironed knickers.
23:02The Germans
23:02have been looking
23:03for the colonel
23:04and Lieutenant Gruber.
23:05They have been
23:05searching everywhere.
23:07My resistance recruits
23:08had to hide
23:09in the spinning dryers.
23:11They came out
23:11all wrinkled.
23:13Where is Rene?
23:14He has gone
23:15to put posters up
23:16warning people
23:17to stay clear
23:17of the windmill
23:18during the shelling.
23:19Oh, that was brave.
23:21I shall mention
23:22that in my dispatches.
23:23Good.
23:41What are you trying
23:42to say?
23:43Oh, no.
23:44No, it cannot be.
23:46Oh, not his eyes.
23:49Not his boots.
23:51Not both of them.
23:55Pull yourself together.
23:58Are you saying
23:58Rene was blown up
23:59at the windmill?
24:04Silence!
24:05We must be brave.
24:07Ah!
24:11Oh, thank you, Mimi.
24:13I needed that.
24:14We must think
24:15of Madame Edith.
24:16Who is to break
24:17the news to her?
24:20I have just heard
24:21a rumour
24:22that Ronnie
24:22was at the windmill
24:23when it went bong.
24:25Is it tree or knit?
24:27Oh, it is true.
24:28He died an arrow.
24:31Oh, Madame Edith.
24:38Listen very carefully.
24:39I shall say this
24:40only once.
24:42Now, what is it?
24:44Is it bad news?
24:46If so,
24:46I can take it.
24:49I cannot say it.
24:51What is going on?
24:53I am trooned
24:54for meements like this.
24:55I will break the nose
24:57to her jauntly.
25:01Madame Edith,
25:03Ronnie is as dodd
25:04as a doo-doo.
25:07He was at the wandmill
25:09when it was blown up
25:10by the Knitses.
25:11He dood with his bots on.
25:14Oh, no.
25:16Really?
25:19She took it on the tune
25:20like a min.
25:26This is our underground headquarters.
25:28We have tunnels everywhere
25:29leading to all our trees.
25:31We live like rabbits.
25:32I can believe it.
25:34Bark him,
25:35shave him,
25:36and take him to my bunker.
25:40You're bunker.
25:42Oh, René.
25:43Oh, I love you.
25:45You will be a posthumous hero.
25:47Your name will be on everybody's lips
25:49except mine.
25:50I hardly dare ask,
25:52but why will it not be on yours?
25:54Because my lips
25:55will be on your lips
25:56day and night.
25:59As you say,
26:00I will be a posthumous hero.
26:03Still,
26:03it could be worse.
26:05I suppose I am
26:06going to be bathed
26:07by all the girls at once.
26:09Of course.
26:16I am ready.
26:23This is enough.
26:24I am not staying here.
26:25René!
26:26Don't go!