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00:05Do you by any chance wish to know how I, René Artois, hero of the resistance, escaped in a
00:12gypsy caravan pulled by a piebald pony from a German colonel and captain driving a steamroller
00:18fueled by nutty slack? Not an everyday occurrence, you will admit. Well, I will tell you, I outpaced
00:25them, but only after the airmen and the waitresses, my wife, my wife's mother, and Monsieur Leclerc disguised
00:32as a diddy coy got out to push when we became stuck in a rut. I galloped off, apparently out
00:39of
00:39control. I am now hiding the priceless portrait of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies by Van Clomp
00:45in the back of this worthless painting of some childish flowers, given to my wife's mother by
00:52a penniless artist in return for our favours, which evidently were not all that valuable
00:57even all those years. René, it is time we opened the café. Have you finished hiding the painting
01:04yet? There it is. It is behind your mother's floral tribute. Where are we going to hang
01:09a great big frame like that? In the most obvious place, on the wall of the café. Thank you.
01:23But if you hang it there, will it not be in danger of being hidden by the coffin? With
01:27any luck, yes. I have just come from the town square. It is full of tanks and soldiers.
01:36There has been a proclamation. General Von Klinkhofen has found the engine to his motor
01:40more in the remains of that aeroplane. They are going to search out to us for British
01:45airmen. Anyone found hiding them will be shot. Oh, my God. Where are they? They must give
01:50themselves up. They cannot do that. They have no uniforms. Without uniforms, they will be
01:55shot as spies. Well, they have had a good run for their money. And they have still got their
02:01British underwear. We will vouch for the meeting. I will phone the Colonel now. Coward! Oh, collaborator!
02:08Would you betray these fearless heroes to our sworn enemies? What do you mean, fearless heroes?
02:14All they do is I! We are the fearless heroes, Edith. And I will tell you another thing. The Germans
02:20are our customers. They spend very good money in here. You get your priorities right.
02:29I have solved the problem with the two British airmen. I use a razor from your bathroom.
02:35Oh, Maria. How little I know you. What have you done with the bodies?
02:41My people shave off their moustaches. Oh, fantastic. That will fool the Germans completely.
02:47Can we come down now? No! Come!
02:57Oh, my God.
03:00Carstairs, you're standing like a tart again.
03:04And nobody will suspect them. They look like the staff.
03:09Edith, the Germans take the staff upstairs from time to time. Now, if they took these two upstairs,
03:15do you not think their suspicions would become aroused?
03:19We are much more attractive. They will take us.
03:22And suppose there is a rush?
03:25What are they saying, Fairfax?
03:27Having the faintest idea, it's all in French.
03:30Well, if the Germans want to take them upstairs, they must not go.
03:42What's all that about?
03:43Well, I think he's saying that if Hitler pops in and asks us to go upstairs, we're not to go.
03:47Is it the light man, then?
03:48Oh, yes.
03:49And do not speak.
03:53Shhh!
03:55What was that about?
03:56Well, I think he means that if we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anybody.
04:02Well, it's not the sort of thing you boast about, is it?
04:07We understand.
04:10Who is that?
04:12It is the Colonel and the Captain.
04:14Oh, my God. We must open the cafe.
04:16Maria, get this to me in the kitchen.
04:17Oh, oh.
04:19Oh, welcome, Colonel.
04:23Welcome, our best customers. Over here, please. Drinks for the Colonel and the Captain.
04:27Thank you, sir.
04:28Sit down, René.
04:30Oh, yes, of course.
04:33Now, what is going on?
04:35The motor mower engine was fixed to an antique airplane.
04:39How do you explain this?
04:40Oh, I expect it was an oaks, Colonel.
04:43A sort of practical joke.
04:45We French are like that, you know, anything for a laugh.
04:48I have put two and two together.
04:50The Colonel is very good at that.
04:53Airplanes are flown by airmen.
04:55You see?
04:56Do you promise me, René, that you are not trying to help British airmen to escape?
05:01Oh, Colonel, would I risk all this for that?
05:04Whoever is responsible has stirred up an oar in its nest.
05:08General von Klinkhofen is doing his pieces.
05:11If he finds you searching for the airmen, he may discover the painting.
05:15Is it safe?
05:16It is under your very nose.
05:19In here?
05:21Behind the bar.
05:22No.
05:24Under the table.
05:25You are getting warmer.
05:29Where can it be?
05:31I spy with my little eyes.
05:34Something beginning with...
05:36P.
05:38Piano?
05:39No.
05:41This is a silly game.
05:42Where is it?
05:44It is in that picture.
05:46That is what I spy with my little eyes.
05:48My eyes.
05:49What a good place.
05:50I would never have thought of looking there.
05:52I know.
05:54Colonel, the news is serious.
05:57General von Klinkhofen is looking for you.
05:59He stormed into your office demanding to know where you were.
06:02What did you tell him?
06:03I said that as it was 5.30 you'd not talk for an hour or two to have a quick
06:06one at the boozer.
06:08Before resuming your search.
06:10Why didn't you tell him I was searching somewhere?
06:12He's such a dominating man.
06:14His powerful stare makes me filth and go weak.
06:17I cannot say no to a man like that.
06:20Oh, I wish I had that kind of stare.
06:23You must drink up and get going otherwise we're for the high jump.
06:26Well, I'm with you.
06:27I'm only obeying your orders.
06:29General von Klinkhofen.
06:30Oh!
06:34Stand up, you peasants!
06:35Stand up!
06:36Up against the wall!
06:38Hands on heads!
06:42Stand still!
06:47What are you doing with your hands on your head?
06:52I'm sorry, General.
06:53Your powerful stare makes me filth and go weak.
06:57I cannot say no to a man like you.
07:01Who is this idiot?
07:03He's my second in command.
07:05What do you mean by drinking here when you should be searching?
07:08We were looking for something suspicious.
07:10Do you expect to find something suspicious in the bottom of the glass?
07:12You're incompetent.
07:14Yes, General.
07:14I agree!
07:16Bishop, probably have you court-martialed.
07:18Yes, General.
07:18General, I think at this point I should say that I was only acting under the colonel's orders, stupid though
07:24they were.
07:25Silence!
07:26General, I can vouch for the fact that they have just searched this place most thoroughly.
07:30And while doing so they beat several peasants and kicked the proprietor in a quite brutal fashion.
07:39Good.
07:40This will go in their favour.
07:42Now, let us see what we have courted our little net.
08:00It is I, LeClaire.
08:02The pianist, General.
08:04Oh, the pianist.
08:05Ah.
08:05Can you play in the mood?
08:11We have found these two lurking in the kitchen.
08:16I see.
08:17What are these?
08:19Well, um...
08:20They are the staff, Herr General.
08:21Yes.
08:22This is Fifi and Gigi.
08:26I have not seen these two before.
08:28No.
08:28And it is not easy to miss the one on the left with the big Charlies.
08:33They are new girls from out of town, Herr General.
08:35We are so busy we had to take on extra staff.
08:41Are these the girls of, uh, easy virtue I've heard about?
08:45Well, fairly easy.
08:49There is much, uh, work to do in my chateau.
08:52They are requisitioned.
08:53They will start first thing in the morning.
08:55Oh, but, General, I-I will be short-handed.
08:57They may return here each evening to entertain my troops.
09:00You are most kind, General.
09:02That is all.
09:03Come and over.
09:07That painting.
09:08Oh, a-a-a worthless piece of rubbish, General.
09:11Hey, is that not so, Colonel?
09:12It's worthless.
09:13It's terrible, isn't it?
09:14Is that so?
09:18Are you thinking what I am thinking, Robert?
09:21Van Gogh?
09:23Most assuredly in his style.
09:25You have some knowledge of these matters.
09:26Have it authenticated.
09:28We are taking the picture.
09:29Oh, but, General, that is stealing.
09:31Yes, that is stealing.
09:33Oh, that stare again.
09:37All works for the property of the FĂŒhrer.
09:39Oh.
09:40You may come to the chateau and we will give you our seat.
09:43Take it.
09:43We will continue our search.
09:45Colonel, Captain, follow me.
09:48Hey, Hitler!
09:49Hey, Hitler!
09:50Hey, Hitler!
09:51Hey, Hitler!
09:58Oh, shut up!
10:01I can't eat it.
10:03What are we going to do with these two?
10:04We must tell Michelle at once.
10:07Michelle knows already.
10:08How did you get there?
10:10In the resistance, we are trying to appear and disappear like phantoms.
10:14I used the tractor to the cellar behind the bar.
10:18Now, listen, chaps.
10:19There's a real flap on.
10:20Chances are you're going to get spotted in the next 24 hours.
10:23But if they find us without our uniforms, we'll be shot as spies.
10:26Without uniforms, we can't even give ourselves up.
10:29Exactly.
10:30Will somebody please tell me what is going on?
10:32We must get them into uniform or they will be shot.
10:35But they have no uniforms.
10:37Quick, we must get on the wireless to London.
10:40Come along, chaps.
10:40Hang on while I lock the till.
10:42What are you going to do about the polymadonna?
10:46Absolutely nothing.
10:47The general has solved my problem for me.
10:50It is now up to the colonel to get the painting back.
10:52Quick, we are wasting time.
10:56It is.
10:57It is!
10:59Come quickly to my assistance!
11:02What is the matter now?
11:04Why is my bed full of white-haired old ladies?
11:09Take no notice.
11:11She is hallucinating.
11:13Hallucinating?
11:15How many pairs of feet do you think your poor old mazarin are possesses?
11:22We are only from the showroom.
11:24We hope we would not be a heist-y-trust as our crones.
11:28Give me the towel, please.
11:31My God, dear colliness.
11:41Hello, Nighthawk.
11:43Hello, Nighthawk.
11:44The airmen have not arrived.
11:46We must assume they have crashed in the Chanel.
11:49There will now be a two-minute silence.
11:51Over.
11:52No, no, hello, hello.
11:54No, they are still here.
11:55They are disguised as French maids.
11:57But they could be penetrated at any moment.
12:00Over.
12:01Obviously an emergency.
12:03What can we do?
12:04Over.
12:05Send British uniforms tonight.
12:07Without them, they will be shot.
12:09Over.
12:09Sorry.
12:10No planes available for one week.
12:12All being used to make film called F for Freddy.
12:18No, hello.
12:19Was that good news?
12:20I'm afraid not.
12:22We need a new plan.
12:23We'll have to get our thinking caps on.
12:25If we don't get you into uniform pretty damn quick,
12:27I'm afraid you've had it.
12:29Girls, please take off those ridiculous wigs.
12:33Go, please.
12:47Von Smallhausen.
12:50Can you hear anything?
12:52We have ceased transmitting, Herr Flick.
12:54It is fortunate we discovered the wavelengths they were employing.
12:59We have also discovered that there are two British airmen disguised as French maids.
13:07Do you wish me to search all the French maids in the town?
13:12What makes you think you would gain entry into any house with your hat covered in bird droppings?
13:26Herflick, I have brought you a cup of Gestapo instant beef tea.
13:31You are late, and where are the croutons?
13:34I'm sorry, Herflick. Was there anything good on the wireless?
13:37We have evidence that there are two British airmen disguised as French maids.
13:43There are two new maids at the Café René.
13:45Did you notice anything strange about them?
13:49Nothing I could put my finger on, Herflick.
13:52We will investigate.
13:57What is so funny?
14:00Toby Henley, can I do you now, sir?
14:13Good morning.
14:20Outside the front of your coffee, under the limp post, are a couple of tits.
14:30He means tarts.
14:32We know about them.
14:34They are the British airmen in disguise.
14:36There is a big search going on for them.
14:38Get out there, make sure that nobody picks them up.
14:41Hmm?
14:42Leave it to Moo.
14:57These heels are killing me.
14:59You're the one who insisted on wearing them.
15:02Huh!
15:03I've got jolly good ankles.
15:06What are you going to do if someone tries to pick you up?
15:10Oh, that's a good week.
15:11You look revolting.
15:12I'm caving a punter.
15:22Move along, you windy little man.
15:26René.
15:27It is.
15:28It is.
15:29You're wanted in the back room.
15:30It is Michel.
15:32Awake.
15:33Monsieur Leclerc.
15:34Madame.
15:35Supervise the cafe.
15:36And keep your fingers out of the till.
15:48I have plans to hide the airmen where they will never be found.
15:52For this operation, I have recruited the bravest man in all France.
15:56I thought I was the bravest man in all France.
15:59Not since you galloped off alone in that gypsy caravan.
16:02Pay attention.
16:07Monsieur Alphonse.
16:08Undertaker.
16:09Swiftly and with style.
16:12Precious, beautiful madame.
16:14I kiss your hand.
16:16Every night before I go to sleep, I think about you for ten minutes.
16:25Sometimes longer.
16:30Forgive me, Monsieur, but you will be aware that to this gorgeous lady I have forever lost my heart.
16:37And apparently you're marbles.
16:39Madame.
16:41Madame.
16:43Listen very carefully.
16:44I shall say this only well.
16:46I have heard it all before, so for me it is twice.
17:01Monsieur Alphonse, has every night in his mochiri been digging a tunnel?
17:05Vive la France.
17:07You are asking, where does this tunnel lead?
17:10I am not actually.
17:12It leads to the other side of the road.
17:15Good.
17:16On the other side of the road is the transit camp for British prisoners of war.
17:21These are airmen who have been shot down on a way to transport to Germany.
17:25In this camp, the prisoners are also digging a tunnel.
17:29The tunnels are about to connect.
17:32The prisoners will escape when we have made the necessary arrangements.
17:35Excuse me.
17:36If you are thinking of bringing any more British airmen here, you can forget it.
17:40We have not got rid of our presents, Doc.
17:42You do not understand.
17:44We are going to add your airmen in the prisoner of war camp where they can obtain uniforms.
17:49I think that is a wonderful idea.
17:52Yes.
17:53This is definitely the first time in history that British airmen have tunneled into a prisoner of war camp.
17:59But how can we transport the airmen to the mortuary without arousing suspicion?
18:08There are Germans everywhere. There was a curfew.
18:12Monsieur Alphonse and we of the resistance have done our part.
18:15The rest is up to you.
18:17Hang on a minute.
18:18I must go now into the night when you have a plan for Monsieur Alphonse.
18:2524 hours service.
18:27Just a minute, Michelle. How long have we got?
18:30They must be gone from here before morning.
18:33Is that not typical?
18:35She gives us half a plan and then she disappears into the night.
18:41And she forgets her flashlight.
18:44My brain is fermenting with an idea.
18:48Bottle it and serve it up later.
18:50I am going to lie down.
19:05I am going to lie down.
19:07This is very humiliating, Hudson.
19:11Is a general allowed to commandeer your office?
19:14Is it in the wounds?
19:16A general can do anything he likes.
19:18I shall be the laughing stock of the whole army.
19:21Oh, I won't laugh at you, Colonel.
19:23You've always been very kind to me in your bluff overbearing way.
19:30He's very quiet in there.
19:32Maybe he is going through your drawers.
19:34They won't find anything.
19:36What about your health and efficiency magazine?
19:38Don't you throw that away!
19:41The general will see.
19:43Stomach in, chest out!
19:52Highly club!
19:53Club!
19:57Did he hear us?
20:00Heil Hitler!
20:01Stop!
20:04Shall we sit down?
20:05Stop whispering!
20:06Stop whispering, Hans!
20:18I have been reading your reports on the occupation of the town.
20:22Handwriting good, effort, ineffectual.
20:25I want results, and I want some now.
20:28There are British airmen in the area.
20:29I want them captured.
20:31Every lead you have so far obtained points to this café.
20:34Café René.
20:35Highly suspicious.
20:37For instance, why would a small provincial café have hanging on its wall a genuine Van Gogh?
20:42A genuine Van Gogh?
20:44It will be sent to Hitler-Fuchsmith.
20:46Would you like us to post it?
20:49No.
20:50You will concentrate on the café.
20:52We will close it down tonight, arrest everybody, and shoot hostages.
20:56We will show them who is boss.
20:58Typical.
20:59Have you never heard the expression, softly, softly, catchy monkey?
21:05Was that from the film King Kong?
21:09At the moment, every British airman who is shot down disappears.
21:13They must be going somewhere.
21:14Our best clue is this café.
21:16Watch it as a cat watches a mouse.
21:19But make no move without my permission.
21:21As that is all, you may go.
21:30Hey, Hitler!
21:31Clop!
21:36Hey, Hitler!
21:37Clop!
21:38Get out!
21:40Roll up!
21:44General.
21:46Is this, uh, Van Gogh?
21:48It will be worth a great deal of money after the war, if it not?
21:52Yes, indeed, General.
21:54Can you keep a secret?
21:56Well, I've done pretty well up to now.
22:02Have it copied.
22:03But say nothing to anyone.
22:04Yes, General.
22:08Herr Otto Flick and Engelbert von Smallhausen of the Gestapo
22:12are here in accordance with your instructions.
22:15Send in the Herrs.
22:17You may go, Ruben.
22:22Come in here!
22:32Hi, Hitler!
22:33Hi, Hitler.
22:35What arrangements have you made to keep the Café René under close observation?
22:39We intend to infiltrate the Café in disguise.
22:44What sort of disguise?
22:54Not approved.
22:56But, uh, you can still have a drink, if you like.
23:03I have not much to look at, not much to see.
23:09Just glad I'm living and lucky to be.
23:14But I got someone crazy for me.
23:20He's funny's that way.
23:24I can't save a dollar.
23:28Ain't worse a cent.
23:30He doesn't holler.
23:32He'd live in a tent.
23:34Well, he must be in the Tank Corps.
23:37You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself.
23:39You're supposed to be watching.
23:42The Colonel and the Captain are well away.
23:44As newts.
23:46Yvette should have no problem getting the gun.
23:49Edith, if this plan of yours goes wrong,
23:52there will not be a wall in Nuvion big enough to shoot us all against.
23:55And tell me how else we can get the bodies to the mortuary.
23:58I'd be better off if I went away.
24:05But why should I leave him?
24:09Why should I go?
24:11He'd be much better than me, I know.
24:16I have someone crazy for me.
24:23He's funny's that way.
24:33Oh, Captain.
24:36Oh, if you will take your naughty hand off my knee,
24:41I will get you some more one.
24:42Oh, I'm sorry. I was just bombing it.
24:45I won't be a moment.
24:49Here, I have the Captain's gun.
24:51What?
24:51Quick, René.
24:53The blanks.
24:54Oh, yes.
25:01Quick.
25:02Gruber is coming across.
25:03Put it back in his ulster.
25:09You have not lost your touch, I see, Lieutenant.
25:12Just one of my little talents.
25:14For a while I was a comic singer.
25:17Your wife has asked me to play for her next appearance.
25:20Here is the music.
25:22Ah.
25:23Spanish Flamenco Fandango.
25:26What key?
25:28Oh, she does not mind.
25:29She plays the castanets.
25:34Where is Monsieur Leclerc?
25:36He's in the kitchen, tuning his violin.
25:38Where are the airmen?
25:40They should be outside with the policemen.
25:42Maria!
25:45Tell them outside to stand by.
25:46Here, here. Here is the tomato sauce.
25:49Tell them not to overdo it.
25:53Here is the one, Captain.
25:57Oh, you bad, bad little German.
26:07Oh, how do I look?
26:10It is you, Leclerc.
26:13With the black cartridges in the revolver.
26:15You just do your bit.
26:17Do you know your words?
26:18Of course.
26:20They are here.
26:27Stam, I will give you the signal.
26:29I will then send in the two tits.
26:32I will myself enter after two shots from the revolver.
26:39Ladies and gentlemen,
26:41tonight is Carnival Night at the Café René.
26:45Madame Edith presents for you, by popular request,
26:49a Spanish extravaganza.
26:51Well, it cannot be worse than her singing.
26:54Don't bet on it.
26:56Ladies and gentlemen,
26:58Flamenco Fandango.
27:10Flamenco Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango
27:24Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango
27:26Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango
27:27Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango Fandango F
27:57This is the artist part.
28:21How dare you, you faceless deceiver, pleasuring yourself with women of the streets while I am out here working up
28:30my butt.
28:32Perhaps I prefer the women of the streets to an old clacker of castanets.
28:38Captain, are you prepared to see me insulted in my own cafe in this manner?
28:44Well, I hadn't thought about it actually.
28:47Dance on, Strumpet. I am taking these two upstairs.
28:55Madame Edith, how can you allow this insult to go unavenged? Allow me to strike him.
29:02Stand aside! Die, like a dog!
29:10Oh, my God! I have missed him and shot the women of the streets!
29:15That was my gun! Colonel, that was my gun! She shot them with my gun!
29:23I was pissing by the door when I heard two shots.
29:34You are holding in your hand a smoking goon.
29:39You are clearly the guilty potty.
29:43I did not do it! Tell them I did not do it!
29:45I was not looking.
29:49Officer, you have no authority over the glorious German army.
29:53This was just an ordinary crime of passion that happens in France on any Saturday night.
29:59But, if it should come to the ears of General von Klinkerofen...
30:03General von Klinkerofen?
30:05If it should come to the ears of General von Klinkerofen...
30:08...that an officer allowed his gun to be taken from him,
30:12then both he and his superior would be in very hot water.
30:15Ah, you see, you are in it too.
30:17For the usual bribe of 50,000 francs, I trust you will overlook this incident.
30:22Did I make those? Shut up!
30:25Is there an undertaker in the house?
30:29Mr. Elphonse, undertaker.
30:32Mr. Lee and with style.
30:34Oh, what luck!
30:37I will turn to this a blonde eye.
30:40Remove the biddies.
30:46General, Captain, please, leave quickly by the back door with your troops.
30:50I will see that General von Klinkerofen does not get to hear of this.
30:53Take the lieutenant with you.
30:54Here he comes.
30:56Huber!
30:57I didn't do it!
30:58I did not do it!
30:59Shut up!
31:03Oh, Redder!
31:05They have swallowed it!
31:07They have swallowed it!
31:09I will tell you one thing, Edith.
31:11These Germans, they are so stupid.
31:13There is no way they are going to win this war!
31:16One, two, three, four, five!
31:18Awww!
31:19I got a boy!
31:20I got a boy!
31:20You have a boy!
31:21I got a boy!
31:21I'm a girl!
31:21I'm a boy!