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00:02It is possible that you are wondering what I am doing lurking in my own house.
00:07The reason is improbable but simple.
00:10I am hiding from Monsieur Alphonse, an aging undertaker who has challenged me to a duel.
00:18Shut up!
00:19Your beaks closed.
00:21He is unhappy because Edith wants to marry me instead of him.
00:26I am unhappy because I have already been married to Edith.
00:30I have been shot by the Germans, I have been buried and I have come back as my own twin
00:36brother.
00:37And now I am forced to hide in the house.
00:41His seconds are looking for me to make arrangements for the duel, you see.
00:46Well, so far so good.
00:48René!
00:49Oh my God!
00:52René!
01:00It is I, Yvette!
01:02You may reveal yourself.
01:07What is happening?
01:09The seconds of Monsieur Alphonse have been to the cafe and departed.
01:12Oh, thank heavens.
01:15I hope that is the last we see of them.
01:18How did you get rid of them?
01:19I did not.
01:20It was Lieutenant Gruber.
01:22He received them on your behalf.
01:24Why do people always have to stick their noses into my business?
01:28René, he defended your reputation.
01:31They were saying that perhaps you had a yellow streak.
01:35It is highly likely.
01:36For one thing, I have been sitting all night on half a dozen eggs.
01:43Oh dear.
01:47Here, gentlemen.
01:49A drink on the house.
01:51I am most grateful to you for upholding the honor of my future husband,
01:56who scarpered out of the scullery window because he has the courage of a hamster.
02:01I am sure René would not run away like a coward.
02:05There will be an explanation.
02:06Of course there will.
02:08Oh, there is an explanation, Colonel.
02:10Yes.
02:11I was shelling peas in the kitchen.
02:14I saw a rabbit out of the window.
02:16I picked up the broom handle and tried to catch it for your dinner.
02:19Have I missed something?
02:20You have missed the seconds who were curling on you to fight for my honor.
02:24Oh, what a pity.
02:27And such a worthy cause.
02:29I would not have missed that for anything.
02:32All is not lost, René.
02:34Lieutenant Gruber has accepted the challenge on your behalf.
02:38Lieutenant Gruber is going to fight the undertaker?
02:40No.
02:41No.
02:43But as one of your closest friends, I have agreed to be second.
02:47Lieutenant Gruber knows all about this kind of thing.
02:50He was at Heidelberg.
02:51At Heidelberg, they fight for their honor all the time.
02:55Actually, in spite of the popular rumors about Heidelberg, fighting for one's honor is not compulsory.
03:01You can give in.
03:04But I know enough about the rules not to let you down.
03:07Yes, well, it is very kind of you, Lieutenant, but I have no intention of doing an Errol Flynn with
03:13an old undertaker.
03:14You are going to humiliate me in front of my friends.
03:17How will they find out?
03:19I have been on the phone all morning.
03:21The old village is going to turn out.
03:23If I could persuade Monsieur Alphonse to change it from dawn till midday, I could do the catering and make
03:30a lot of money.
03:31Midday? My life is at stake and you are talking about catering?
03:35I have, on your behalf, refused swords and have provisionally chosen pistols.
03:43He would prefer a knitting competition.
03:47I will present your compliments and agree with him the time and the place.
03:52How about South America, the Christmas after next?
03:55No, no, dawn tomorrow.
03:59The woods will be misty and romantic.
04:01I shall dress dramatically in black.
04:04A black coat, a black dress, a black chiffon scarf, black gloves and a black hat.
04:10You do not give much for my chances, do you?
04:13Very big, so be it.
04:15Heil Hitler, and do not worry, René.
04:19I shall be close by your side.
04:23I must down here and get my new black hat and black veil.
04:27René, don't go away. We have much to discuss.
04:30But so little time.
04:34Hans, René is far too valuable to us to lose in a silly duel.
04:38He has our painting and a sausage in his cellar.
04:41And he supplies us with girls.
04:43Precisely.
04:44So I have a plan.
04:46René, we will hold battle maneuvers tomorrow morning.
04:49By chance, in the area of the duel, we will have some machine guns, armoured cars and troops.
04:56Just before the duel starts, we will open up with everything.
05:00And the undertaker will unfortunately get in the way.
05:05We will apologise.
05:07And there will be no repercussions because he's only a Frenchman.
05:10Could you not just wound him a little bit?
05:13With a 25 pound shell, that is not easy.
05:18Send it to me at once.
05:22Anything serious, Herr Flick?
05:23There is for me a telegram.
05:24It is being brought to me by hand.
05:27We will continue our game of Monopoly.
05:30Your compass of dice.
05:33Be careful not to throw a five.
05:35Or you will land on my hotel in the Wilhelmstrasse.
05:40Ah, a seven.
05:43Stop!
05:44That is not your token.
05:45That is my staff car.
05:47You are the high-heeled jackboot.
05:51One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
05:54Ah, you take a card.
05:56What does it say?
05:58I have been hit with a rubber truncheon and missed three moves.
06:03Ah, jeez.
06:10Six.
06:16Go directly to Hitler's bunker.
06:18Do not pass go.
06:20Do not collect 200 marks.
06:23It's up.
06:27What do you want, von Smallhausen?
06:31Telegram, Herr Flick.
06:37Go away.
06:42Bad news, Herr Flick?
06:44It is from my godfather.
06:46Himmler?
06:47Experts have reassembled bombed sausage.
06:50No trace of painting.
06:52Adolf, very offhand at dinner last night,
06:55did not laugh at my jokes.
06:58The rest colonel who sent telegram,
07:00love Uncle Heinrich.
07:01Arrest the colonel?
07:03This is terrible.
07:05Helga, what do you know of this?
07:08Nothing, Herr Flick.
07:09You are lying.
07:09You will answer my questions.
07:11Sit down.
07:11Yes.
07:13Who put the sausage on the train?
07:15I did, Herr Flick.
07:15Who gave you the sausage?
07:17The colonel.
07:17Was the painting inside the sausage?
07:19I could not tell, Herr Flick, without biting a bit off the end.
07:24Why did you not do this?
07:25I could not send to Hitler a bitten sausage.
07:28True, that was good thinking.
07:31It is therefore clear that the sausage containing the painting that I gave to the colonel,
07:36which was a forgery but which he thought was genuine,
07:39was not sent to Berlin but was substituted by him for a normal knuckwurst.
07:44The sausage containing the painting has been kept by him to sell after the war,
07:49which will not be possible because it is a forgery.
07:52And the real painting is hidden in the Gestapo sausage,
07:55which is hanging with similar sausages in René's kitchen.
07:58Correct me if I am wrong.
08:00I wouldn't dream of it, Herr Flick.
08:03My course of action is clear.
08:05We will arrest the colonel and the captain at once.
08:08Shall I come with you?
08:09You may be tempted to warn them out of misplaced loyalty.
08:13You will stay here.
08:16What's this, Herr Flick?
08:18So you do not use the telephone.
08:21I will return by early evening.
08:24Would you care to stay for dinner?
08:27How could I refuse?
08:29It's a date.
08:35René.
08:38Oh, Maria.
08:39Why have you kept me waiting so long?
08:41I was telephoning the undertaker to see if we could come to some arrangement.
08:46What happened?
08:47He offered to bury me at trade prices.
08:51Oh, Herr Flick.
08:52Hello.
08:55Crush my lips with your lips.
08:57Do all those things you do that drive me crazy with raging desire?
09:01Maria, we are only in the broom cupboard.
09:05René!
09:06René!
09:08René!
09:10René!
09:10What are you doing in the broom cupboard with Maria?
09:13You stupid woman.
09:15It is quite obvious what I am doing in the broom cupboard with Maria.
09:19You know you do not like me telling off the staff in front of customers.
09:22I was...
09:24I was just reprimanding her in here.
09:27So, the next time a customer calls, you come running, hmm?
09:30Yes, René.
09:31And that is the last time I shall tell you this.
09:33Very likely.
09:39What did you do in the war, grandpapa?
09:43I was sewing a lady's silk knickers into a torn balloon so that the British airmen could escape it.
09:51Oh, have you not finished that balloon yet?
09:54Soon the restaurant will be full and this place will be crawling with Germans.
09:58Don't move.
10:01Now, listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.
10:06The basket has been woven by the weavers of Wimoro.
10:14Forgive me, I do not have my code book. What does that mean?
10:19Exactly what it says.
10:21The basket is ready to be attached to the balloon.
10:24Ah, good.
10:25René, customers.
10:26Oh, heck. Look, you must be out of here in ten minutes, hmm?
10:31Oh, Michel, we have not repaired all the oils in the silk balloon.
10:35We shall require one more pair of silk knickers.
10:40I will give my last pair for France.
10:46Remove them behind the curtain. There is a man present.
10:53Oh, no, do not worry. I have seen it all before.
10:59What a very long time ago.
11:02No, just a moment ago when I dropped my needle.
11:09Well, we are hoping to start about seven, but it is best to get there early.
11:14We are expecting a crowd.
11:16And there will be coffee and sandwiches afterwards.
11:20Whatever happens.
11:23Tell them we are hoping for an ohm win.
11:26Yes. I'll see you then.
11:30Oh, so many friends.
11:39René!
11:41Oh, I admire you. You are like a rock.
11:46I know this to be a quality you appreciate in a man.
11:50Oh, but I'm so worried.
11:52Why?
11:52Well, I hear Monsieur Alphonse is a crack shot.
11:55There was a competition.
11:56He put one of his balls through a playing card at 20 bases.
12:02Quite a feat.
12:04This is how he started in the undertaking business.
12:07Yes.
12:09Yvette, normally I would be worried by such news.
12:11But I have a secret arrangement with the Colonel.
12:15At the time of the duel, he will be on exercises with tanks and troops and machine guns and things.
12:20And he has promised to take care of the undertaker.
12:23Oh, could you not take care of your wife at the same time?
12:28I could mention it, I suppose.
12:31I might be pushing my luck.
12:33I'm talking of pushing my luck.
12:35Oh, it's that English idiot who thinks he can speak our language.
12:39He could die to you.
12:42You see, he has heard about the duel.
12:45Are we a loon?
12:47I wish to tick to you.
12:50Tick?
12:52He means talk.
12:54Yeah, we are a loon.
12:56So tick away.
13:00The English airmen are no linger in the car.
13:06Oh, good.
13:07Well, where are they then?
13:09I will kill them.
13:13In here, chair.
13:16You will never get away with that.
13:18You cannot pass those two idiots off as French policemen.
13:21I'll give them quick curse in the French language.
13:26It's nose to spike your tongue.
13:30Pleased to meet you, sir.
13:34Quick, Germans, quick, in the back room.
13:37Officer, if you wish to search my premises, I have nothing to hide.
13:40Start in the back room.
13:41Take care of the krauts.
13:45Good, actually.
13:48Listen carefully.
13:50The balloon is ready.
13:51It will be taken and hidden in the old ruined barn five kilometers to the north of town.
13:56When the wind is favorable, a message will be sent.
14:00You, Rene, will guide the airmen to the barn where they will take off and head for home.
14:04Oh, I do not wish to be a wet blanket, but I do have a duel in the morning, you
14:09know.
14:10What if I am killed?
14:11Well, then Monsieur Leclerc will guide them.
14:14I must go now to the islemonger.
14:16He is preparing the blue lamps which will provide the hot air for the balloon.
14:21Rene, a flick has been here.
14:23A flick of the Gestapo?
14:25Quick, we will have scooped through the window.
14:27We will be getting into his gallery, we will see you.
14:29What did he want?
14:31He had not seen these two disguised as policemen, had he?
14:33No, he was looking for the colonel.
14:35He has gone round to their headquarters.
14:36Did he want to check on his sausage?
14:38No.
14:40He cancelled his table and ordered two large portions of hot pot to take away.
14:44That means a nice quiet dinner with Elgar in the dungeon this evening.
14:49Oh, it is.
14:50Oh, it is.
14:52Why do you leave me for so long alone?
14:55Oh, I am sorry, Mama.
14:57But I was trying on my new black hat for the duel.
14:59The duel.
15:01Now, it is.
15:02I have been sinking.
15:03I wish to be there early.
15:06I want to be in the front row.
15:11It is history repeating itself.
15:15Men have fought over me, you know, when I was young.
15:18I was loved by two tram drivers at the same time.
15:25Did they fight with pistons or with swords?
15:29Trams.
15:30Oh, I shall never forget it.
15:34They...
15:35They drove furiously towards one another.
15:41Each from its own depot.
15:43Ringing the bells and shouting,
15:46No room on top!
15:49What happened?
15:50And...
15:51Oh, well, there was a power cut.
15:55So, er...
15:57I ran away with the inspector.
16:00Oh, oh!
16:07Herrick, could you not free my other hand?
16:09It is very difficult to chase peas using only a fork.
16:13I am sorry, Helga.
16:15I cannot risk you evading me,
16:17and in your misplaced loyalty,
16:19informing the colonel.
16:20I keep telling you,
16:22I do not know where the colonel is.
16:24I do not believe you, Helga.
16:26And if you do not talk,
16:28you will get no pudding.
16:31It is jam roly-poly.
16:35You are a ruthless man, Herrick.
16:38Enter!
16:46We have traced the colonel and the Capitan here, Flick.
16:50They are out on manoeuvres.
16:53Good.
16:54Go away.
16:56Too faster!
17:00As soon as it is daylight,
17:02we will arrest them.
17:04In the meantime,
17:05we will remain here.
17:07If you do not trust me, Herrick,
17:09what sort of life
17:11will we have together after the war?
17:13I will take you for beautiful walks
17:15on a short lead.
17:18Does it make me feel like a...
17:21wild animal?
17:22It's neutral.
17:35No!
17:35Oh!
17:44Rune, wake up.
17:47Wake up!
17:49It is five o'clock.
17:51Five o'clock?
17:54You must not be late for the duo.
17:58but Edie that is not until seven oh I know but I have to dress and wake up and iron
18:07your shirt
18:07you're not going to the woods looking a mess she thinks that men are prepared to die for me
18:16it is unbelievable is it
18:22any go down and see who's at the door oh who can that be at this hour it may be
18:28somebody
18:29wanted to buy tickets you have been selling tickets not only for the front row
18:46good morning I have your trousers here my Batman press them for me how kind lieutenant you think
18:54of everything I uh I also had them widened a little they're more fashionable not in front of the girls
19:04no the girls will go away get to bed ladies this is an affair between men do not hesitate to
19:14pop down
19:15if you want a glass of water or some cigarettes or if I ring the bell or anything Rene I
19:23I hope this
19:25affair turns out satisfactorily so do I I do not know how to say this Rene
19:34I have always admired you but just at this moment I find it hard to express in words all my
19:42feelings
19:43well keep trying with the words I'm sure they will come to you in the end
19:48I would like you to wear this locket of mine for good luck oh I was thinking more along these
19:55lines
19:59Rene take my advice do not wear that it will only flatten the ball on its way through and make
20:05an even
20:06bigger hole what are you doing all dressed up like a mad actor it is all right little I am
20:16to be your other
20:17second we water all these for are you expecting to clean up the forest after I am shot I am
20:24to wash the
20:25floor ready for the party here afterwards
20:45good
20:45good
20:45good
20:56good we are here first give me my opera glasses i do not wish to miss anything
21:29i knew that one day that would come in use
21:35what oh monsieur harphonse how elegant he looks
21:45madame now this must be your sister my mother unbelievable you are so young so vivacious
21:58take these so you can see to shoot
22:13there he is he has both his seconds with him
22:21we cannot start yet because i am not ready besides gruber is not here
22:25he has gone for the kit of the first aid yes i hope he will not be long this coal
22:31scuttle
22:31is tight under the arm it is just insurance anyway the german army will be here to save you
22:38ah that makes me feel very brave uh where where are they exactly you cannot see them they are
22:47camouflaged but i have heard rustlings in the woods
22:55oh how handsome you look
22:59this is the head oh oh this is our hopes you would be on our wedding day
23:07oh excuse me it is the handle of the cold scuttle
23:15oh
23:21gentlemen your attention please
23:39be brave girls
23:41dear girls
23:58before proceeding do either of you wish to apologize
24:01guys well and may have been a bit a certainly not
24:09behaved like a pig you will die like a pig
24:13very well monsieur you are showing a lot of
24:44you will hold hold upon the command turn you will turn and fire
24:51is this clear crystal clear right we must proceed
24:56first my personal farewells
25:04the french way
25:18Mr. Alphonse, thank you, Monsieur, but I hardly know you.
25:45Edith, I am talking to you, I am about to get shottier and you take no notice.
25:49But hey, I'm just catching up and I'll go see you.
25:52Bye-bye, Benny.
25:57Maria, Yvette, farewell.
26:03Madame LaMontagne, farewell.
26:09Who's Madame LaMontagne?
26:12So, gentlemen, let us take up our positions.
26:20Back to back.
26:24Excuse me one moment.
26:36Bad news, Lieutenant.
26:38Colonel Von Strom and Captain Gearing have been arrested by the Gestapo.
26:41The maneuvers have been canceled.
26:44Canceled?
26:47Are the Gestapo allowed to do this?
26:49I shall investigate.
26:50Quite right.
26:51After the duel.
26:52Well, do you not think you should do it right away?
26:54I mean, we can do this any old time.
26:57Get on with it.
27:00Back to back.
27:06Cock.
27:07Where am I, Monsieur?
27:13Watch.
27:15One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
27:23Oh!
27:25Oh!
27:37Nancy Boy!
27:40What about my honor?
27:42I told you.
27:43I told you.
27:43And my customers.
27:47His shirt is torn.
27:50Is he wounded?
27:51No, but I can't see a dent in his cool scuttle.