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00:03You are probably wondering what I am doing driving a German armored car.
00:08Well, I have been helping the captain to blow up a train with a sausage on it.
00:13I know that this does not sound important, but it is.
00:18The sausage is being sent to Hitler, who thinks that it contains the priceless portrait of the fallen Madonna with
00:25the big boobies.
00:27That painting is in fact in the sausage in my cellar.
00:32That four-eyed burke up there behind the gun turret, who could not eat a barn door at 20 paces,
00:40failed to eat the train.
00:41So now Hitler will receive an empty sausage.
00:45When that happens, my friend, the Canuckwurst will really hit the fan.
00:53However, one disaster at a time, if I can park this thing back at my cafe before anybody realizes that
01:00we have nicked it,
01:02well, at least I will not get done for taking and driving away an armored car without the permission of
01:07the owner.
01:11You will drive.
01:19Do not worry, Lieutenant.
01:21You may rely on the Gestapo to find your missing tank.
01:25When we do, the occupants will be short.
01:29Colonel, it is rather chilly.
01:30Shall I place this rag over our knees?
01:33No.
01:34The cold air will be good first.
01:36Particularly you.
01:40Which way, Herr Flick?
01:42We will follow the obvious tire marks of the stolen armored car.
01:53What is going on?
01:55This stupid Englishman, disguised as a policeman, told the Lieutenant that his tank had been stolen.
02:01I did not know that it had been drove away by René.
02:05René who walks in the beer.
02:08Idiot.
02:09Idiot.
02:09It is.
02:10Herr Flick has a gun.
02:11If he finds René, he will shoot him.
02:13No.
02:14We must ask you him.
02:16We will follow.
02:17We will use the vehicles of the customers.
02:20Come.
02:26Magnus!
02:27Do you have a spanner or a wrench?
02:30Do it, Miss.
02:31I must lower my saddle.
02:32Otherwise, my feet will not reach a pedal.
02:35Sit on the crossbar.
02:37And watch out for that three-speed gear.
02:46Captain.
02:48What is it?
02:49A word of warning.
02:51This time, mind the bridge.
02:54I will.
02:55Oh!
03:00The ammunition lorry will be here in a few minutes.
03:03Let us put in place the roadblock.
03:18The tracks are faint, but they are still visible.
03:22Straight on.
03:23Yvette, Maria, pull down your skirts.
03:26Do you want to get my cafe at Bednins?
03:28It doesn't matter to where it does.
03:33I must go and see to the welfare of the British Airmen.
03:38How are you getting on there, chaps?
03:39What's happening?
03:41Yes.
03:41How much longer do we have to stay out here?
03:43You're not due for milking until 5.30.
03:45I'm jolly hungry.
03:48Here's a bar of chocolate.
03:52You have to blow up an ammunition lorry.
03:55Then we'll see if we can rustle up some soup.
03:57Oh, good, Cheryl.
03:58Henriette, have you connected the terminals to the plungeur?
04:01I have.
04:02Where are the explosives?
04:03They're over there.
04:07They are buried in the road.
04:09Good.
04:10I see no sign of the ammunition lorry.
04:13Look.
04:13An armoured car is approaching from the other direction.
04:16Get your guns at the ready.
04:20If we can hold it up for a few moments, the lorry will be here
04:23and we can fulfil our mission for France.
04:28Michelle, you are the bravest girl that I know.
04:32You too, Henriette.
04:38God bless our mission.
04:42God bless France.
04:52What is that in the road?
04:55It is a farm wagon.
04:56It is very badly parked.
04:59Get out and move it.
05:02Ready?
05:04Fire.
05:10In second thoughts, I will wait a bit.
05:19I will wait a bit.
05:20I will wait a bit.
05:21Quick, Elengeti.
05:22Are you wounded?
05:23No.
05:24I wish to surrender.
05:30Don't shoot.
05:31Pick him up.
05:33Woo!
05:36Step.
05:37It is the white flag of surrender.
05:43Look.
05:44It is Rene.
05:50You traitor.
05:52So, you have joined the Germans.
05:54This gentleman kindly helped me to borrow the tank so we could blow up the train.
05:57The one you refused to blow up because you were blowing up an ammunition lorry.
06:01That is why we are here.
06:03Well, you are wasting your time.
06:04As soon as we heard you were going to blow it up, we cancelled it.
06:06Who told you?
06:07He did.
06:08Woo!
06:09I didn't know why I mentioned that.
06:13Collaborate.
06:14Michel, it is all part of a very complicated plan to do with Hitler and a sausage.
06:19And a lot of paintings which would take too long to explain.
06:23I don't understand half of it myself.
06:26Estampo's staff car is approaching.
06:28What?
06:29Our mission is blown.
06:31We must scupper.
06:32Quick!
06:44Hans!
06:45What are you doing with Hubert's little tank?
06:48I too would like to know the answer to that question.
06:51Well, Colonel, you see...
06:53It's quite clear to see what has happened here, Flick.
06:55René overheard a plot by the Resistance to blow up an ammunition lorry.
07:00Assisted by the captain, he borrowed the armoured car and with great bravery found the roadblock
07:06and fought off the Resistance.
07:08Who even now can be seen running across the fields.
07:13I was just about to say all that.
07:15It's been a very fierce vessel.
07:17My armoured car is covered with middle tents.
07:20And there is mud all over the fields.
07:24Are you not entirely convinced by this story?
07:27I have found proof, Herr Flick!
07:33See, this device is commonly used by the Resistance when they are going to blow something up.
07:39What nonsense!
07:41This is an ordinary tyre pump which has been discarded by a passing motorist.
07:46This would not even blow up a tyre!
08:00Well, Nick, you have exploded the Gestapo car!
08:07Well, that's nothing to worry about.
08:09The Gestapo can always get another car from Berlin.
08:13I shall not be informing Berlin of this incident.
08:16I do not wish to look a right nana.
08:24You fools!
08:26You have blown their covers!
08:30Lieutenant Cobra, you will drive us home.
08:36What's going on now, Fairfax?
08:39A lot of girls in their scanties are climbing onto men's bicycles.
08:43Oh, come on!
08:44What's really going on?
09:06I never want to go through a night like that again.
09:09When Hitler gets his hands on the Colonel's sausage and finds no painting,
09:14the Colonel and the Captain will have had their chips.
09:17Good riddance!
09:18Speaking for myself, I am up to ear with sausages and paintings and Gestapo and escaping airmen.
09:24All I want is a quiet life.
09:29Customers!
09:30Here's the rear clues!
09:31Go away!
09:38It is the Colonel and the Captain!
09:40Oh, my God.
09:41What now?
09:42Let them in.
09:48We can't close the curtains.
09:51Colonel, why are you dressed like that?
09:53Is the war over?
09:54For us, very likely.
09:57When Hitler gets that empty sausage and the telegram from the Colonel,
09:59he will send some very nasty men to look for us.
10:05René, you must help us get away.
10:07Yes, sir.
10:07We thought Switzerland would do very nicely.
10:10We know you run an escape route.
10:11Yes.
10:12We need papers.
10:12We know you have a forger.
10:14Oh, dear Colonel, I think you have quite the wrong idea about me.
10:18I am just a simple cafe owner.
10:20René, if you do not help us, I will drop you in it.
10:24What are you going to use for money?
10:27We have the painting, and we will pay all for the troops.
10:32When the troops find out, will they not be cross?
10:34They will be hopping mad.
10:39It is the police!
10:41No!
10:42No!
10:42We have papers!
10:47Captain!
10:50Open the door!
10:52Oh, my God, it's that stupid British idiot who thinks he can speak French!
11:00Good morning.
11:04I would offer you a cognac, officer, but I know you are not allowed to drink on duty, so goodbye.
11:09I have come to express my regrets for the bills up last night.
11:15Yes, well, there will be an even bigger bills up this morning if you do not go away.
11:19I have good nose.
11:22Yes, yes, you are very handsome. Now, please, go.
11:24My nose is as follows.
11:27The troon carrying the sausage has been bummed by the RAF.
11:34Bummed by the RAF?
11:36Bummed by the RAF?
11:38What have the naughty RAF been up to now?
11:41They have bombed an ammunition train.
11:44Did they destroy it?
11:45There were little pisses all over the track.
11:51Hans, this calls for a drink!
11:55Oh, it is, Yvette.
11:58Maria!
12:01How much longer am I to be ignored?
12:05Oh, it is. Where have you been?
12:07I have not seen you for days.
12:10Do not be silly, Mama. I gave you your lunch.
12:13Listen, I have good news.
12:16Monsieur Alphonse the Undertaker is calling.
12:19Oh, Undertaker!
12:22Oh!
12:23So little tiny!
12:25Oh, no, Mama!
12:27I think he is in love with me.
12:29Oh, it is so romantic.
12:30I think he is coming to propose to me.
12:33Do you remember?
12:34We met him in the square.
12:36He has a moustache.
12:37Oh, yes, yes.
12:38I remember him well.
12:40He had a little stiff one.
12:43Oh, he has such manners.
12:47And today this arrived.
12:49And on it was this little card with a love message.
12:56Swiftly and with style.
13:00He has a high opinion of himself.
13:03No, no, no, Mama.
13:05The other side.
13:07I always think engagement rings
13:09are such romantic, pretty things.
13:13And still before my life is done,
13:15I would dearly like to give you one.
13:24Could you read the first part again?
13:31Quick, shut the door.
13:33Where is my wife?
13:34She is upstairs dressed up like the dinner of a dog.
13:37She is going to parade herself yet again in the town square.
13:40Oh, but Renée, you should be happy.
13:42If she marries, you will be free.
13:44And without a solitary shoe.
13:46We will have money.
13:47We will borrow explosives from the resistance,
13:50blur the safe,
13:52nick the money,
13:53and hide in a little garret in Paris.
13:55And make love day and night
13:58until the war is over.
14:03The very thought of it makes me go weak at the knees.
14:08Oh, not her again.
14:22Now listen very carefully.
14:23I shall say this only once.
14:26The escape package brought by this British agent
14:29was damaged in the landing.
14:31You must help us to mend it.
14:32Mend it? I don't even know what it is.
14:34It is a balloon made of silk.
14:37Filled with hot air,
14:38it will lift the basket with the airmen
14:40and, with a favourable wind,
14:42take them back across the channel.
14:44Brilliant.
14:45And what do you want, a needle and cotton?
14:47Some of the fabric is torn away and missing.
14:50We need silk to replace it.
14:52Silk? Where am I supposed to find silk?
14:55The urgent crop tree has a plan,
14:57which you will explain.
14:58You must go and get your hands on girls' knockers.
15:07It means silk knickers.
15:09Sorry.
15:11Perhaps my French cod be butter.
15:14I will give up my knickers for France.
15:18Always the patriot.
15:22All the girls in the resistance will sacrifice their knickers.
15:26When I hear words like that,
15:28it brings a lump to my throat.
15:31But even that will not be enough.
15:33Well, how many pairs of knock-knickers do you require?
15:38At least 40 or even 50.
15:47I will try for 50.
15:50René!
15:51Has your wife's mother passed away?
15:54Well, if she has, she did not tell me.
15:56Why do you ask?
15:58Outside is torn up a horse with a horse.
16:00An horse, earth?
16:02Outside my cafe.
16:03What can that mean?
16:07René, go away!
16:09What?
16:09It is Monsieur Alphonse.
16:11He has come to court me.
16:14Ah.
16:15The widow Artois.
16:21You look so pale and beautiful.
16:24How can this man see to bury people?
16:30I think you have met the twin brother of my husband.
16:33Ah, Monsieur.
16:34How fortunate it is that you are here.
16:36As I wish to make my intentions known to you.
16:40You may speak with complete frankness, Monsieur.
16:42My girls cater to every taste.
16:47You clumsy oaf.
16:49Monsieur Alphonse has come to ask for my hand in marriage.
16:51What?
16:52That is correct.
16:53René, where is your hospitality?
16:55Let us be seated and have some wine.
16:58René, a cognac for Monsieur Alphonse.
17:04Now, Monsieur.
17:05I believe you are the next of kin and guardian, this enchanting lady.
17:09Therefore, you would wish to know what I have to offer.
17:13Yes.
17:14What does an old undertaker have to offer?
17:17Hey.
17:18Monsieur, as you know, I have my own undertaker's establishment.
17:21You know?
17:22Hmm?
17:22And since the war, business has been very brisk.
17:26It is an ill wind, as they say.
17:35Now, Monsieur.
17:37I have two horses and four horses.
17:40Four horses, René.
17:42You should have good rhubarb.
17:46I have 236 feet of plain oak, stocks of elm, pine, etc.
17:51I have 26 marble angels, 12 concrete cherubs, 100 weight of assorted handles and 8 gallons of embalming fluid. Cheers.
18:01Sounds a very good business, René.
18:04Who could refuse a man with all those coffins and 8 gallons of embalming fluids?
18:10I should also mention, I have a small horse with a smaller horse.
18:15Very handy for shopping.
18:16And where is your house?
18:18My house.
18:20I have a spacious apartment, equipped with every luxury.
18:24And where is this apartment?
18:26Over the mortuary.
18:29It was furnished by my late wife, who was taken suddenly in the night.
18:34Well, at least she did not have far to go.
18:38Of course.
18:39I realize, beautiful lady, that you have the pick of the town.
18:43That you also have younger suitors, more...
18:56...toffin together.
19:00In the toughest wood, I also have driving ambition.
19:04One day, I aim to have a little...
19:12...crematorium of my own.
19:16I am going to be a nervous wreck in a minute.
19:18I realize, of course, that you cannot come to a decision at this moment.
19:23Anyway...
19:24It is time I went, as I am due to lay the widow Montclair.
19:32Out in half an hour.
19:35Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about.
19:37Well, my respects, monsieur.
19:40Ladies.
19:43Widow Artois.
19:48I await your decision...
19:51...with anguish.
19:53You can always get me...
19:55...on my night line.
20:03I give...
20:04...twenty-four-hour service.
20:14Not netball? No good.
20:16Let out the gas.
20:29Oh...
20:30I see a big pair.
20:33What are you doing, monsieur?
20:36Pardon, madame.
20:37I am doing it for France.
20:40I have to have your knickers.
20:48Enter.
20:52Yes, Helga.
20:53What can we do for you?
20:55Judging from past experience, very little.
20:58Colonel, I have something very serious to report.
21:02And it is very personal.
21:04A bun in the oven?
21:06How dare you!
21:08Helga, you amongst friends, what is it?
21:11I have to report that I have lost my knickers.
21:15It's on the right line.
21:19Are you in love with the fellow?
21:21It happened just now in the garden.
21:23They were removed when I was not even looking.
21:25What daylight?
21:26They were taken from the line.
21:28They were my best silk ones.
21:30Oh, the ones with the little spasticas round the edge.
21:34Hans, how did you know?
21:36When did you see Helga's knickers?
21:38It was Christmas.
21:40When she was hanging up the holly.
21:43No wonder you were so keen to hold up the ladder.
21:46What did you see people do?
21:50Arrest some peasants and shoot them.
21:52Helga, even Germans cannot shoot people for one pair of knickers.
21:56You're right, Colonel.
21:58After all, what is in a pair of knickers?
22:05Heard Flick!
22:06Heard Hitler!
22:07Heard Hitler!
22:08Heard Hitler, plop!
22:09Heard Flick!
22:09Heard Flick!
22:10Colonel, in the town under your command, there is serious indiscipline.
22:15Could you be more specific, Heard Flick?
22:17My agents report that there are many knickers disappearing in this town.
22:22Really? What kind of a man would do that?
22:25Kinky.
22:28Mine were removed only a few moments ago.
22:31Not the ones with the little spasticas.
22:35The very same.
22:38Suddenly, this minor incident has taken a very serious turn.
22:42When ordinary French knickers are removed, one could look the other way.
22:48To remove the knickers of glorious German army womanhood can only result in one penalty.
22:54Life?
22:55Death.
22:57What do you wish me to do, Herr Flick?
22:59A man suspected of the stealing was seen going into the back door of Café René.
23:05You will investigate.
23:06At once, Herr Flick.
23:08Heard Hitler!
23:08Heard Hitler!
23:13Heard Hitler!
23:14You seem very far away, René.
23:16You have not spoken to me all morning.
23:20My heart is full of sadness, Edith.
23:24It seems after all these years of magic, I am to lose you to a director of funerals.
23:30Your heart is full of sadness because you are worried about losing the café.
23:34But I have been thinking, René, I cannot do this to you after all these years.
23:40Oh, Edith, you have made me very happy.
23:43I will let you stay on as a barman.
23:47No, no, I could not stay here and watch the two of you climb those stairs together.
23:53Oh, René, I promise you I would never do that with him.
23:56We will climb the stairs at his place.
24:00But does it.
24:02I will go now.
24:04No longer can I put a brave face on this tragic affair.
24:12Oh, René, do I really mean so much to you?
24:17And is it true you could not live without me?
24:21And if I promise to marry you, will you promise forever more to be faithful to me?
24:31And do you find me as beautiful as ever?
24:39Then although it will break Monsieur Alphonse's heart, I will tell him I am destined for another.
24:45There is another one?
24:47No, René.
24:59Oh, I am glad I can still make you happy.
25:05Hold on!
25:06These flowers here were on the doorstep.
25:09They are addressed to you.
25:10They are from a Monsieur Alphonse.
25:12I hear he intends to marry you.
25:14No, I have made up my mind.
25:16I am going to marry René.
25:22René, René?
25:23I am afraid so.
25:31Congratulations!
25:37The eternal triangle.
25:40Ah, Colonel!
25:42Welcome to my humble café.
25:43I am afraid this is an official visit, René.
25:47Line up your staff immediately.
25:49Oh, yes, of course, Colonel.
25:50Come in here, all of you. The Colonel wishes to speak with you.
25:53Was it the rabbit last night, Colonel?
25:55It was not the rabbit.
25:57Oh, I see. Well then, may I inquire the nature of your problem?
26:01Knickers.
26:03I am sorry I asked.
26:06Now, pay attention, all of you.
26:08There are missing in this town many pairs of silk knickers.
26:13Including a pair formerly occupied by a member of the German staff.
26:18Who shall remain nameless?
26:21Yes, Helga.
26:27They will twist to this address.
26:30I require an explanation.
26:32Colonel, it is very simple.
26:34We wanted the silk, which is in very short supply, to make a wedding dress.
26:40A wedding dress?
26:42How, how romantic!
26:46Who's it for?
26:47You.
26:48Oh, me! I am to be married.
26:51Who's the lucky man?
26:52It is I.
26:54Alphonse, director of funerals, swiftly and with style.
26:57Hooray!
26:59No, no, you misunderstand.
27:00I am to marry the brother of my late husband, René.
27:05René?!
27:06Oh!
27:10Monsieur.
27:11A few hours ago, I came here as a man of honor to ask you for this lady's hand.
27:17You have humiliated me, Monsieur.
27:20You have insulted me.
27:22I will have satisfaction.
27:24It is too late for that. She has chosen me.
27:30I am a man of honor, Monsieur.
27:32You will be hearing from me.
27:35And my representatives will arrange the time and the place.
27:44He will not take no for an answer, will he?
27:47René!
27:48He has challenged you to a duel!
27:51What?
27:52Men are fighting over me!
27:55Oh, shut up.
27:57Colonel, Colonel, you must have friends. I need papers. I have to get away, please!
28:01Swiftly and with style.
28:03Oh, my God.