- 27 minutes ago
Charlie Does it for Science
Charlie and Jordan are interviewed by a reporter named Vanessa (Kim Shaw) about their sex study. Jordan leaves early, and Vanessa convinces Charlie that she should 'test' their sex machine with him to be able to write an informed report. When Jordan and Charlie see the test results showing that Vanessa is in love with Charlie, Jordan thinks Vanessa will doubt the results and trash the study, so Charlie visits Vanessa to convince her that she really is in love with him. But he discovers that Vanessa is not a reporter and that she really is in love with him. Meanwhile, Nolan gets a job at a lingerie store, which leads to Lacey and Jen taking advantage of his employee discount.
Charlie and Jordan are interviewed by a reporter named Vanessa (Kim Shaw) about their sex study. Jordan leaves early, and Vanessa convinces Charlie that she should 'test' their sex machine with him to be able to write an informed report. When Jordan and Charlie see the test results showing that Vanessa is in love with Charlie, Jordan thinks Vanessa will doubt the results and trash the study, so Charlie visits Vanessa to convince her that she really is in love with him. But he discovers that Vanessa is not a reporter and that she really is in love with him. Meanwhile, Nolan gets a job at a lingerie store, which leads to Lacey and Jen taking advantage of his employee discount.
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TVTranscript
00:00So, Ed, my dad said that you and he drove down to Tijuana for a couple days?
00:03A little vacation?
00:04No, I had to get some cheap meds, and your dad always wanted to get his picture taken on a
00:09donkey painted like a zebra.
00:13I started saving for a trip to Mexico. They say it's beautiful.
00:16Well, they were wrong. For a country that cranks out nothing but housekeepers, the place is a mess.
00:24All right, Ed. Put a dollar in the Reese's jar.
00:29No, no, no. That's the homophobia jar.
00:32That's the sexist jar.
00:35That's the anti-Semitic jar.
00:38I think there'd be more dollars than the Jew jar.
00:42Well, there are now. Put a dollar in.
00:48So, Nolan, if you're unemployed, how are you saving money for a trip?
00:52Did you figure out how to sell a vacant stare on eBay?
00:56No, I got a job. I'm working at French Cut.
00:59Nolan, we've been over this. Loitering in a lingerie store is not the same thing as working there.
01:03No, it's real. I'm a cashier.
01:08Wait a minute. That means you'll get an employee discount.
01:10And a half hour for lunch.
01:14We need to talk.
01:17Is this about the remake of Tron?
01:21No.
01:22It's about letting me use your employee discount.
01:25Oh.
01:26Can we talk about Tron after?
01:31Oh, sorry. I thought session was over.
01:33No, no. Come on here. We're just wrapping up.
01:35See you all next Thursday.
01:38Nolan, good luck with the job.
01:39And add a little tip.
01:40It's probably a bad sign if your pill bottle has a worm at the bottom.
01:47You're here because you got my message about us being in psychology today.
01:50Pretty great, huh?
01:51Are you kidding? We can't invite the press to see this study now.
01:54If they don't like what we're doing, they could destroy our credibility before the results are published.
01:59So, are you excited about this or not?
02:02I've been burned by the press before.
02:04Oh, not that again. You gotta get over it. That review was a long time ago.
02:09Lose 20 pounds is not something you should say to a nine-year-old ballerina.
02:15Well, don't worry. I had a lovely Skype with Vanessa this morning and I guarantee this will be a very
02:19positive article.
02:20Oh, really? You guarantee it?
02:23Does Vanessa also happen to be an attractive woman?
02:28Define attractive.
02:29Attractive.
02:30Oh, well then, yes, she is.
02:34Charlie, if we are going to do this, it has to be for the good of our careers, not your
02:39penis.
02:41Hey, hey, hey. What's good for our careers is good for my penis.
02:44Oh, come on, Jordan. Let's do this interview.
02:47Okay, fine. But this woman is a professional.
02:51Promise me you'll treat her with respect.
02:53I absolutely will. When I'm having sex with her, I'll say please and thank you.
02:58Charlie.
02:58Oh, come on. I'm not stupid.
03:0120 pounds? How big were you when you were nine?
03:05I was more sugar plum than fairy.
03:10Is it fair to characterize your study as comparing the happiness of friends with benefits couples versus traditional monogamous couples?
03:17Yes, exactly. And if I was to put something in your mouth, those words would be it.
03:26Charlie.
03:27What?
03:28Please continue.
03:30Has working together so closely on a subject like this ever tempted you to, you know, take your relationship to
03:38the next level?
03:39Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
03:43Jordan, if I may.
03:45Oh, no, no, no.
03:48Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
03:51Not in the history of the known universe.
03:53Not even if hell froze over.
03:56Beyond the valley of no way.
04:00Not even if he paid for it.
04:03Not even if I could afford it.
04:10But for the record, Jordan is a brilliant researcher.
04:18And do not get me started on Charlie.
04:23Is that it?
04:24Yes.
04:27Excuse me.
04:30Hello?
04:32Yes, this is she.
04:35Yes, I have a red tabby cat.
04:39Yes, she's been known to attack children.
04:43Oh, my God. I'll be right there.
04:46I'm so sorry.
04:47I have to go.
04:49My cat tore up.
04:50She's sick.
04:52No, it's okay. Go. We'll keep talking about the study.
04:55And that's all.
04:58Don't worry, I'm not going to talk about you behind your back.
05:01Crazy cat lady.
05:06So.
05:07So.
05:09Study.
05:11Well, now with Jordan gone, I can confide in you that I think to write this story, I'm going to
05:18need to experience your methodology firsthand.
05:22So, do you want to be hooked up to the machine? Because that is firsthand. Feel free to use your
05:28second hand if needed.
05:30When I did a story on Tibetan monks, I spent a month in a monastery. When I did a story
05:35on kayaking, I went down the Colorado River. And when I did a story on gang violence in South Central
05:40LA, I rented a documentary on gang violence in South Central LA.
05:46I mean, I can hook you up to the machine, but it won't mean anything unless you're having sex.
05:52I know.
05:54So you're going to bring your boyfriend down here?
05:56I don't have a boyfriend.
05:59And I don't have any self-control.
06:09So this is what everybody in the study has to wear when they have sex?
06:12I don't know what you're talking about. It's what I always wear when I have sex.
06:17Let me show you how this works. The machine, that is. I'm sure you know how the rest works.
06:21If you do something that surprises me, I'll let you know.
06:25Now, these register our emotional responses during sex.
06:29And this is the number that identifies which couple we are.
06:34XTC4U.
06:36Totally random.
06:38We programmed the computer to have a sense of humor.
06:40It cost a lot, but it was well worth it.
06:43So, are we all hooked up and ready to go?
06:46Well, we're not totally hooked up.
06:49There is one input left.
06:52Oh, yeah? What's that?
06:55This.
07:00All right.
07:02Welcome to the wonderful world of sexual science.
07:05Please keep your arms and legs in the bed at all times.
07:08You can pick up your picture in the gift shop at the end of the ride.
07:12I'm just glad I'm tall enough to ride.
07:16Excuse me. I'm looking for something that says I'm shy until you get two drinks in me. LeBron James.
07:25Lacey, I need to talk to you.
07:27I need to talk to you. What's sexier? This or this?
07:33I don't know. The only way I can tell is if I see them on you and then you slowly
07:37take them off.
07:39Come talk to me when they're paying you $60 million to play basketball and you've got a shoe contract and
07:43you know what? Just don't talk to me.
07:45Look, Lacey, my boss just told me the only people who can use my employee discount are me, family members,
07:50or significant others.
07:52And I don't think anyone's going to believe you're me.
07:55So just tell them I'm your sister.
07:57My girlfriend.
07:58Your half-sister.
07:59My girlfriend.
08:01Your cousin.
08:02Okay, fine. My cousin. But we have sex.
08:08Hey. Sorry about that.
08:10What happened? Your cat scratched up a kid?
08:13It wasn't the cat's fault. The kid from next door was eating out of her bowl.
08:17I really need a smaller cat door.
08:19Well, to make that cat look so delicious on TV, this was bound to happen.
08:24So, how'd it go with the reporter?
08:26Was she in and out pretty quick?
08:28No, I wouldn't put it that way.
08:30But she got what she needed.
08:32She sounded that way to me.
08:36Did somebody use the machine?
08:41What?
08:43According to the timestamps, someone used this machine 45 minutes ago.
08:48I wonder who.
08:50Damn it, Charlie!
08:51She's a reporter!
08:53Is there anyone that you don't sleep with?
08:55Yes, there's a whole gender I don't sleep with.
08:59Hey, she started it. What was I supposed to do? Say no?
09:02Yes!
09:03Well, that's just crazy talk.
09:06I can't leave for one hour without you getting into trouble.
09:09You're worse than Mr. Tubby.
09:10Hey, don't compare me to a cat.
09:12I'm not. That's what I call the kid from next door.
09:19Has she seen this readout yet?
09:21No, she wanted to do this for her story, so I was going to show it to her tonight. Why?
09:24Well, according to the activity in her dopamine center, this woman is in love with you.
09:29Which can only mean one thing.
09:31What?
09:32The machine is broken.
09:35What are you saying? That a woman can't fall in love with me after one time?
09:39No!
09:40Well, you know what? You don't know women.
09:42I do know women.
09:44Oh, really? How?
09:45I'm a woman.
09:47Oh, please.
09:49I am and I know this woman and I know what she's going to write in her article after she
09:54sees this readout.
09:55That all of our data is faulty and this whole study is a sham. This is terrible.
10:00I know. I know. This study is all you've got.
10:03I got friends, hobbies, private practice. You better figure out your next move. I'm out of here.
10:09You are not failing on this.
10:12What if this happened today? Is there any way that you could have broken the machine? Did anything get wet?
10:19The machine, you adolescent pig!
10:22No!
10:25Okay, well, I'll get it checked out, but in the meantime, don't let her see this readout.
10:31Give her someone else's. Pretend it's hers.
10:34I can't show her this. Besides, she knows our number. XTC4U.
10:41You've got to fix this or we're screwed.
10:43Oh, how typical.
10:45I make a mistake, and you get mad at me, and then I'm the one that has to clean things
10:49up.
10:50Well, you know what, Jordan? Your name is on that door, too.
10:54It says Gordon.
10:56Oh, yeah? Well, I suppose you're going to blame that on me, too.
10:59Well, you're the one that gave him the wrong spelling.
11:01And there it is.
11:06It's been really fun hanging out with you today, Lacey.
11:09We're not hanging out. You bumped into me in the Apple Store, found out about Nolan's employee discount, and followed
11:14me here.
11:15I know, fun, right?
11:18Hey, Mom, what about this?
11:20Over my dead body. No way. I'll kill you.
11:24Uh, you guys both talked at the same time, so I'm going to assume it was my mom that said
11:27yes.
11:28Oh, no.
11:29Come on. You said you were already wearing push-up bras and thongs of my age.
11:33That's because I was rebelling against conservative parents.
11:35If you want to rebel against me, you're going to have to do something crazy like wear granny panties and
11:41not sleep with all the guys at Spencer's Gifts.
11:45Uh-oh. All right, guys, give me all your stuff. If I don't leave in five minutes, I'm going to
11:50be two and a half hours late for lunch with my mom.
11:54Here, I want these.
11:55Hello, cousin who qualifies for my employee discount. Kiss me. My boss is watching.
12:02We're not cousins who have sex.
12:04Just because society doesn't understand our love does not mean it's not real.
12:12How's it going, Nolan?
12:14Oh, fine. Just, uh, ringing up some art clothes for my cousin.
12:18You've been buying her an awful lot of clothes lately.
12:21Uh, you know what they say about women?
12:25Bitches.
12:29You know, I'd like to meet your, uh, cousin.
12:31Anyone who can wear a 32B and a 34D must be very interesting looking.
12:37Yeah.
12:39She's got a lot of different sized breasts.
12:42Nolan, what's going on?
12:44Okay, the truth is...
12:46This bra is for my cousin.
12:50And this bra is for...
12:53Me.
12:55For you.
12:56That's what I went with.
13:00That's great.
13:02I'm a cross-dresser too.
13:03You are?
13:04Yes!
13:05No way!
13:07Why else would I work in this place?
13:09Because you're also not hot dog on a stick material.
13:14Anyway, we're having a secret drag party here tomorrow night with a bunch of my cross-dressing friends.
13:18You should come.
13:19Oh, I would love to, but, uh...
13:23I gotta work tomorrow night.
13:25No you don't.
13:26Right.
13:27You're my boss.
13:28You would know that.
13:32Afternoon, gentlemen.
13:36Wayne, I couldn't help noticing that you're holding a bird.
13:39I've always loved birds.
13:40I call her Barbara Streisand.
13:43Because she sings so beautifully?
13:46No.
13:47Because all the gays love her.
13:49Right?
13:50Who's fabulous?
13:53When I retell the story, it'll be because she sings so beautifully.
13:57If I knew we were allowed to have pets in this prison, I would have brought my pet gun.
14:02And my pet bag of heroin.
14:05Pets aren't allowed in here, Ernesto.
14:08How'd you get the bird in here, Wayne?
14:09Hardest part was getting her past the metal detector.
14:12Why?
14:13Birds don't have any metal on them.
14:14No, but they do have little metal bands on their legs that say property of the San Diego Zoo.
14:20All right.
14:21Well, let's talk about that.
14:22Machines and how they complicate our lives.
14:24Who's got an example?
14:25Ooh, I do.
14:26One time I had this wrinkled up old dollar, and I was trying to shove that bitch up into a
14:30Pepsi machine.
14:30You know what?
14:30You know what?
14:32I'm gonna go first.
14:34There's this really hot reporter.
14:35He's doing an article on my sex study.
14:38So we hooked ourselves up to this EEG machine that measures love, and then we, well, we hooked up.
14:43Ooh, here we go, here we go.
14:45The meat get to the meat, Chuck.
14:47Anyway, the readout said that she loved me, which can't be true.
14:51And when she realizes our data's wrong, she'll write about it and trash the study.
14:55How many people are you willing to kill to save your study?
14:58None.
15:00All right.
15:01I got another idea.
15:03The way I see it, you can't change the readout, so you gotta change the woman.
15:07You gotta make her think she's in love with you.
15:09She just doesn't know it.
15:11That's a great idea, but how would I do that?
15:13I would say chain her to a basement wall, but that never worked out for me.
15:19Anybody have any other suggestions?
15:22That don't involve chaining someone to a wall?
15:27Or a toilet?
15:35Coming.
15:40Hey.
15:41Charlie, what are you doing here?
15:43I thought we were meeting at the restaurant.
15:45Yeah, but I thought it'd be better if we talked about the results in private.
15:48Plus, I wanted to bring you these.
15:50Flowers, really?
15:52It's unexpected.
15:54Do you like them?
15:55I love them.
15:57But you didn't know you loved them until I brought them to your attention.
16:01What?
16:02It's okay.
16:03Just because you didn't know you loved something doesn't make you a bad person.
16:08Why don't we go inside?
16:13Are you all right?
16:14I am great.
16:18Let me tell you a little story.
16:20A long time ago, my ex-wife and I, we had this cat.
16:23And I didn't feel anything for this cat.
16:27Okay.
16:28And one night, a coyote ate that can and I was an emotional wreck.
16:34You know why?
16:35Why?
16:37Because it turns out I love that cat and I didn't even know it.
16:40I would have known it if it was hooked up to an EEG and I had sex with it.
16:47All right, I think I get it.
16:49You do?
16:49Yeah.
16:51I'm the cat and you just found out that you're in love with me.
16:56No.
16:57I'm the cat and you're in love with me.
17:00Surprise!
17:02I don't know what you're talking about.
17:04Let me just, let me show you the data.
17:09Okay.
17:11Look, this is the readout.
17:13This one's me and this one's you.
17:15Look how high your activity is in your dopamine centers.
17:18Which means I love you?
17:20And you don't even know it.
17:22Isn't science amazing?
17:25Charlie, I really liked having sex with you, but if you think I'm crazy enough to fall in love with
17:30someone I just met, then you have serious issues.
17:34No, no, no. Falling in love with me without even knowing me is completely normal.
17:37Sometimes it's even easier.
17:42It doesn't make you crazy.
17:45Okay. Here's the truth.
17:46Your readout is way off base, which means your machine and all your data are wrong.
17:51And I would be a terrible reporter if I didn't put that in my article.
17:54Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
17:56Oh my gosh. I had it upside down. I'm in love with you.
18:01I can't deal with this right now. Please leave.
18:05Vanessa.
18:08Damn it.
18:23I guess the machine's not broken.
18:35Hey, number one.
18:38Oh my goodness.
18:40Look at you.
18:42Yeah, I know. It's always weird when you see somebody outside of work.
18:46Yeah.
18:47That's what's weird.
18:49Anyway, I look forward to seeing you at more of these parties.
18:52Yeah.
18:52Well, keep looking.
18:57Great party.
18:58Yep.
19:02You get caught abusing the store discount too?
19:05Yep.
19:07Well, I figure it's worth it.
19:09I'm getting so much tail from chicks who want free underwear.
19:11It's crazy.
19:14I'm not getting any tail.
19:16Oh.
19:19Well, uh...
19:20You look lovely.
19:26Charlie.
19:27Charlie!
19:28Oh, hey.
19:29I didn't see all of this.
19:33I can explain.
19:35Explain what?
19:36Why would you need to explain a bed with my face on it?
19:39Who doesn't have one of those?
19:42I'm not a reporter.
19:43Really?
19:44You don't say.
19:48Don't you recognize my voice?
19:51Welcome to McDonald's.
19:52Can I take your order?
19:55Holy crap.
19:57You're the girl who gives me my coffee every morning.
19:59And sometimes your breakfast sandwich.
20:01And once, a strawberry milkshake and a buttload of McNuggets.
20:04I think you've been up all night.
20:07It was adorable.
20:11Well, it was nice meeting you.
20:12I'll send you my new contact info on moving to Spain.
20:16Some other country.
20:18Why don't you love me?
20:22Well, for starters, there's the screaming.
20:28Look at your line.
20:30It doesn't move, you self-centered son of bitch.
20:35What did I do wrong?
20:39Nothing.
20:40You've done this whole manic, obsessive, crazy thing absolutely right.
20:45It was classic.
20:48I'm not crazy.
20:50I love you.
20:52And I hope the coyote eats me so that you can see how much you love me too.
20:57Like you loved the cat.
21:01Vanessa, there was no cat.
21:03There was no coyote.
21:05But there will be a restraining order.
21:08And one quick question.
21:09Do you know where there's another McDonald's in the area?
21:11What?
21:12You know what?
21:12They got those big signs out front.
21:13I'll find one. Goodbye.
21:14Bye-bye.
21:15Bye-bye.
21:17Bye-bye.
21:19Bye-bye.
21:21Bye-bye.
21:22Bye-bye.
21:26Bye-bye.
21:28So, have my dad said that you and he drove down to Tijuana for a couple of days?
21:31A little vacation?
21:33No, I had to get some cheap meds,
21:35and your dad always wanted to get his picture taken
21:37on a donkey painted like a zebra.
21:41I started saving for a trip to Mexico.
21:43They say it's beautiful.
21:45Well, they were wrong.
21:46For a country that cranks out nothing but housekeepers,
21:49the place is a mess.
21:52All right, Ed, put a dollar in the racist jar.
21:57No, no, no, that's the homophobia jar.
22:00That's the sexist jar.
22:03That's the anti-Semitic jar.
22:06I think there'd be more dollars than the Jew jar.
22:10Well, there are now. Put a dollar in.
22:16So, Nolan, if you're unemployed,
22:18how are you saving money for a trip?
22:20Did you figure out how to sell a vacant stare on eBay?
22:24No, I got a job.
22:25I'm working at French Cut.
22:27Nolan, we've been over this.
22:29Loitering in a lingerie store
22:30is not the same thing as working there.
22:32No, it's real.
22:34I'm a cashier.
22:36Wait a minute.
22:37That means you'll get an employee discount.
22:38And a half hour for lunch.
22:42We need to talk.
22:45Is this about the remake of Tron?
22:49No, it's about letting me use your employee discount.
22:55Can we talk about Tron after?
22:59Oh, sorry.
23:00I thought session was over.
23:01No, no, come on here.
23:02We're just wrapping up.
23:03See you all next Thursday.
23:06Nolan, good luck with the job.
23:07And add a little tip.
23:08It's probably a bad sign
23:09if your pill bottle has a worm at the bottom.
23:15You're here because you got my message
23:16about us being in psychology today.
23:18Pretty great, huh?
23:20Are you kidding?
23:21We can't invite the press to see the study now.
23:23If they don't like what we're doing,
23:24they could destroy our credibility
23:25before the results are published.
23:27So, are you excited about this or not?
23:30I've been burned by the press before.
23:32Oh, not that again.
23:33You gotta get over it.
23:34That review was a long time ago.
23:37Lose 20 pounds is not something you should say
23:39to a nine-year-old ballerina.
23:43Well, don't worry.
23:44I had a lovely Skype with Vanessa this morning,
23:45and I guarantee this will be a very positive article.
23:48Oh, really?
23:49You guarantee it?
23:51Does Vanessa also happen to be an attractive woman?
23:56Define attractive.
23:58Attractive.
23:58Oh, well then, yes, she is.
24:02Charlie, if we are going to do this,
24:05it has to be for the good of our careers,
24:07not your penis.
24:09Hey, hey, hey, what's good for our careers
24:11is good for my penis.
24:13Oh, come on, Jordan, let's do this interview.
24:16Okay, fine.
24:17But this woman is a professional.
24:19Promise me you'll treat her with respect.
24:21I absolutely will.
24:22When I'm having sex with her,
24:23I'll say please and thank you.
24:26Charlie.
24:26Oh, come on, I'm not stupid.
24:3020 pounds, how big were you when you were nine?
24:33I was more sugarplum than fairy.
24:39Is it fair to characterize your study as comparing
24:41the happiness of friends with benefits couples
24:44versus traditional monogamous couples?
24:46Yes, exactly.
24:48And if I was to put something in your mouth,
24:51those words would be it.
24:54Charlie.
24:55What?
24:56Please continue.
24:58Has working together so closely on a subject like this
25:02ever tempted you to, you know,
25:05take your relationship to the next level?
25:08Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
25:11Jordan, if I may.
25:13Oh, no, no, no.
25:16Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
25:19Not in the history of the known universe.
25:21Not even if hell froze over.
25:24Beyond the valley of no way.
25:28Not even if he paid for it.
25:31Not even if I could afford it.
25:38But for the record,
25:40Jordan is a brilliant researcher.
25:47And do not get me started on Charlie.
25:51Is that it?
25:52Yes.
25:55Excuse me.
25:58Hello?
26:00Yes, this is she.
26:03Yes, I have a red tabby cat.
26:07Yes, she's been known to attack children.
26:12Oh, my God.
26:12I'll be right there.
26:14I'm so sorry.
26:16I have to go.
26:17My cat tore up.
26:18Uh, she's sick.
26:20No, it's okay.
26:21Go.
26:22We'll keep talking about the study.
26:23And that's all.
26:26Don't worry.
26:27We're not going to talk about you behind your back.
26:29Crazy cat lady.
26:34So.
26:35So.
26:37So.
26:37Study.
26:39Well, now with Jordan gone, I can confide in you that I think to write this story, I'm
26:46going to need to experience your methodology firsthand.
26:50So, do you want to be hooked up to the machine?
26:52Because that is firsthand.
26:55Feel free to use your second hand if needed.
26:58When I did a story on Tibetan monks, I spent a month in a monastery.
27:02When I did a story on kayaking, I went down the Colorado River.
27:05And when I did a story on gang violence in South Central L.A., I rented a documentary on
27:11gang violence in South Central L.A.
27:14I mean, I can hook you up to the machine, but it won't mean anything unless you're having
27:18sex.
27:20I know.
27:22So, you're going to bring your boyfriend down here?
27:24I don't have a boyfriend.
27:27And I don't have any self-control.
27:37So, this is what everybody in the study has to wear when they have sex?
27:41I don't know what you're talking about.
27:42It's what I always wear when I have sex.
27:45Let me show you how this works.
27:46The machine, that is.
27:47I'm sure you know how the rest works.
27:49If you do something that surprises me, I'll let you know.
27:53Now, these register our emotional responses during sex.
27:57And this is the number that identifies which couple we are.
28:02XTC4U?
28:04Totally random.
28:06We've programmed the computer to have a sense of humor.
28:09It cost a lot, but it was well worth it.
28:11So, are we all hooked up and ready to go?
28:15Well, we're not totally hooked up.
28:17There is one input left.
28:20Oh, yeah?
28:20What's that?
28:23This.
28:28All right.
28:30Welcome to the wonderful world of sexual science.
28:33Please keep your arms and legs in the bed at all times.
28:36You can pick up your picture in the gift shop at the end of the ride.
28:40I'm just glad I'm tall enough to ride.
28:45Excuse me.
28:46I'm looking for something that says I'm shy until you get two drinks in me.
28:50LeBron James.
28:53Lisi, I need to talk to you.
28:55I need to talk to you.
28:56So, what's sexier?
28:58This or this?
29:01I don't know.
29:02The only way I can tell is if I see them on you, and then you slowly take them off.
29:07Come talk to me when they're paying you $60 million to play basketball, and you've got
29:10a shoe contract, and you know what?
29:11Just don't talk to me.
29:13Look, Laci, my boss just told me the only people who can use my employee discount are
29:17me, family members, or significant others.
29:20And I don't think anyone's going to believe you're me.
29:23So, just tell them I'm your sister.
29:25My girlfriend.
29:26Your half-sister.
29:28My girlfriend.
29:29Your cousin.
29:30Okay, fine.
29:31My cousin.
29:32But we have sex.
29:35Hey.
29:36Sorry about that.
29:38What happened?
29:39Your cat scratched up a kid?
29:41It wasn't the cat's fault.
29:43The kid from next door was eating out of her bowl.
29:45I really need a smaller cat door.
29:48Well, they make that cat door look so delicious on TV.
29:50This was bound to happen.
29:52So, how'd it go with the reporter?
29:54Was she in and out pretty quick?
29:56No, I wouldn't put it that way.
29:58But she got what she needed.
30:00Sure sounded that way to me.
30:04Did somebody use the machine?
30:09What?
30:11According to the timestamp, someone used this machine 45 minutes ago.
30:16I wonder who.
30:18Damn it, Charlie.
30:19She's a reporter.
30:20Is there anyone that you don't sleep with?
30:23Yes, there's a whole gender I don't sleep with.
30:27Hey, she started it.
30:28What was I supposed to do, say no?
30:30Yes.
30:31Well, that's just crazy talk.
30:34I can't leave for one hour without you getting into trouble.
30:37You're worse than Mr. Tubby.
30:39Hey, don't compare me to a cat.
30:40I'm not.
30:40That's what I call the kid from next door.
30:47Has she seen this readout yet?
30:49No, she wanted to do this for her story, so I was going to show it to her tonight.
30:51Why?
30:52Well, according to the activity in her dopamine center, this woman is in love with you.
30:57Which can only mean one thing.
30:59What?
31:00The machine is broken.
31:04What are you saying?
31:05That a woman can't fall in love with me after one time?
31:07No.
31:08Well, you know what?
31:09You don't know women.
31:11I do know women.
31:12Oh, really?
31:13How?
31:13I'm a woman.
31:16Oh, please.
31:18I am, and I know this woman, and I know what she's going to write in her article after she
31:22sees this readout.
31:23That all of our data is faulty, and this whole study is a sham.
31:27This is terrible.
31:28I know.
31:29I know.
31:29This study is all you've got.
31:31I've got friends, hobbies, private practice.
31:34You better figure out your next move.
31:36I'm out of here.
31:37You are not failing on this.
31:40What if this happened today?
31:41Is there any way that you could have broken the machine?
31:43Did anything get wet?
31:48The machine, you adolescent pig!
31:50No!
31:53Okay, well, I'll get it checked out, but in the meantime, don't let her see this readout.
31:59Give her someone else's.
32:01Pretend it's hers.
32:02I can't show her this.
32:04Besides, she knows our number.
32:06XTC4U.
32:09You've got to fix this or we're screwed.
32:11Oh, how typical.
32:13I make a mistake, and you get mad at me, and then I'm the one that has to clean things
32:17up.
32:18Well, you know what, Jordan?
32:20Your name is on that door, too.
32:22It says Gordon.
32:24Oh, yeah?
32:25Well, I suppose you're going to blame that on me, too.
32:27Well, you're the one that gave him the wrong spelling.
32:29And there it is.
32:34It's been really fun hanging out with you today, Lacey.
32:37We're not hanging out.
32:38You bumped into me in the Apple store, found out about Nolan's employee discount, and followed
32:42me here.
32:43I know, fun, right?
32:46Hey, Mom, what about this?
32:48Yes.
32:49Over my dead body.
32:50No way.
32:50I'll kill you.
32:52Uh, you guys both talked at the same time, so I'm going to assume it was my mom that said
32:55yes.
32:56Oh, no.
32:57Come on.
32:58You said you were already wearing push-up bras and thongs of my age.
33:01That's because I was rebelling against conservative parents.
33:04If you want to rebel against me, you're going to have to do something crazy, like wear granny
33:08panties and not sleep with all the guys at Spencer's Gifts.
33:13Uh-oh.
33:14All right, guys, give me all your stuff.
33:16If I don't leave in five minutes, I'm going to be two and a half hours late for lunch with
33:19my mom.
33:22Here.
33:23I want these.
33:23Hello, cousin who qualifies for my employee discount.
33:27Kiss me.
33:29My boss is watching.
33:30We're not cousins who have sex.
33:32Just because society doesn't understand our love does not mean it's not real.
33:41How's it going, Nolan?
33:42Oh, fine.
33:43Just, uh, ringing up some art clothes for my cousin.
33:46You've been buying her an awful lot of clothes lately.
33:49Oh, you know what they say about women?
33:54Bitches.
33:57You know, I'd like to meet your, uh, cousin.
33:59Anyone who can wear a 32B and a 34D must be very interesting looking.
34:05Yeah.
34:07She's got a lot of different sized breasts.
34:11Nolan, what's going on?
34:12Okay, the truth is, this bra is for my cousin, and this bra is for me.
34:23For you.
34:25That's what I went with.
34:29That's great.
34:30I'm a cross-dresser, too.
34:31You are?
34:32Yes.
34:32No way.
34:36Why else would I work in this place?
34:38Because you're also not hot dog on a stick material.
34:42Anyway, we're having a secret drag party here tomorrow night with a bunch of my cross-dressing
34:46friends.
34:47You should come.
34:47Oh, I would love to, but, uh, I got to work tomorrow night.
34:53No, you don't.
34:55Right.
34:55You're my boss.
34:57You would know that.
35:00Hello.
35:01Afternoon, gentlemen.
35:04Wayne, I couldn't help noticing that you're holding a bird.
35:07I've always loved birds.
35:09I call her Barbara Streisand.
35:12Because she sings so beautifully?
35:14No.
35:15Because all the gays love her.
35:18Right?
35:19Who's fabulous?
35:22When I retell the story, it'll be because she sings so beautifully.
35:26If I knew we were allowed to have pets in this prison, I would have brought my pet gun.
35:30And my pet bag of heroin.
35:33Pets aren't allowed in here, Ernesto.
35:36How'd you get the bird in here, Wayne?
35:38Hardest part was getting her past the metal detector.
35:40Why?
35:41Birds don't have any metal on them.
35:42No, but they do have little metal bands on their legs that say,
35:45Property of the San Diego Zoo.
35:48All right.
35:49Well, let's talk about that.
35:51Machines and how they complicate our lives.
35:52Who's got an example?
35:53Ooh, I do.
35:54One time I had this wrinkled-up old dollar,
35:56and I was trying to shove that bitch up into a Pepsi machine.
35:58You know what?
35:59You know what?
35:59You know what?
36:00I'm gonna go first.
36:02There's this really hot reporter.
36:04He's doing an article on my sex study.
36:06So we hooked ourselves up to this EEG machine that measures love,
36:09and then we, well, we hooked up.
36:11Ooh, here we go, here we go.
36:13The meat gets to the meat, Chuck.
36:16Anyway, the readout said that she loved me, which can't be true.
36:19And when she realizes our data's wrong,
36:21she'll write about it and trash the study.
36:23How many people are you willing to kill to save your study?
36:27None.
36:28All right.
36:29I got another idea.
36:31The way I see it, you can't change the readout,
36:33so you gotta change the woman.
36:35You gotta make her think she's in love with you.
36:37She just doesn't know it.
36:39That's a great idea, but how would I do that?
36:41I would say chain her to a basement wall,
36:43but that never worked out for me.
36:47Anybody have any other suggestions?
36:50That don't involve chaining someone to a wall?
36:55Or a toilet?
37:03Coming!
37:08Hey.
37:09Charlie, what are you doing here?
37:11I thought we were meeting at the restaurant.
37:13Yeah, but I thought it'd be better
37:14if we talked about the results in private.
37:16Plus, I wanted to bring you these.
37:19Flowers? Really?
37:20It's unexpected.
37:22Do you like them?
37:23I love them.
37:25But you didn't know you loved them
37:26until I brought them to your attention.
37:30What?
37:30It's okay.
37:31Just because you didn't know you loved something
37:33doesn't make you a bad person.
37:36Why don't we go inside?
37:41Are you all right?
37:43I am great.
37:46Let me tell you a little story.
37:48Long time ago,
37:49my ex-wife and I,
37:50we had this cat.
37:51And I didn't feel anything for this cat.
37:55Okay.
37:57And one night,
37:58a coyote ate that can
38:00and I was an emotional wreck.
38:02You know why?
38:04Why?
38:05Because it turns out I love that cat
38:07and I didn't even know it.
38:08I would have known it
38:10if it was hooked up to an EEG
38:11and I had sex with it.
38:15All right.
38:15I think I get it.
38:17You do?
38:18Yeah.
38:19I'm the cat
38:20and you just found out
38:21that you're in love with me.
38:24No.
38:25I'm the cat
38:26and you're in love with me.
38:28Surprise!
38:29Surprise!
38:30I don't know what you're talking about.
38:33Let me just...
38:34Let me show you the data.
38:37Okay.
38:39Look.
38:40Here's the readout.
38:41This one's me
38:42and this one's you.
38:43Look how high your activity
38:44is in your dopamine centers.
38:46Which means I love you?
38:48And you don't even know it.
38:50Isn't science amazing?
38:53Charlie,
38:54I really liked having sex with you
38:56but if you think I'm crazy enough
38:57to fall in love with someone
38:58I just met
38:59then you have serious issues.
39:02No, no, no.
39:02Falling in love with me
39:03without even knowing me
39:04is completely normal.
39:05Sometimes it's even easier.
39:11It doesn't make you crazy.
39:13Okay.
39:13Here's the truth.
39:14Your readout is way off base
39:16which means your machine
39:17and all your data
39:18are wrong.
39:19And I would be a terrible reporter
39:21if I didn't put that
39:22in my article.
39:23Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
39:24Oh, my gosh.
39:25I had it upside down.
39:27I'm in love with you.
39:30I can't deal with this right now.
39:31Please leave.
39:34Vanessa.
39:36Damn it.
39:53I guess the machine's not broken.
40:03Hey, number one.
40:07Oh, my goodness.
40:08Look at you.
40:10Yeah, I know.
40:11It's always weird
40:12when you see somebody
40:13outside of work.
40:14Yeah.
40:15That's what's weird.
40:18Anyway, I look forward
40:19to seeing you
40:19at more of these parties.
40:20Yeah.
40:21Well, keep looking.
40:25Great party.
40:26Yep.
40:30You get caught abusing
40:31the store discount, too?
40:33Yep.
40:35Well, I figure
40:36it's worth it.
40:37I'm getting so much
40:38tail from chicks
40:38who want free underwear.
40:39It's crazy.
40:42I'm not getting any tail.
40:45Oh.
40:47Well, uh...
40:48You look lovely.
40:54Charlie!
40:56Oh, hey.
40:57I didn't see
40:58all of this.
41:01I can explain.
41:03Explain what?
41:04Why would you need to explain
41:06a bed with my face on it?
41:07Who doesn't have one of those?
41:10I'm not a reporter.
41:12Really?
41:13You don't say.
41:16Don't you recognize
41:17my voice?
41:19Welcome to McDonald's.
41:20Can I take your order?
41:23Holy crap.
41:25You're the girl
41:26who gives me my coffee
41:26every morning.
41:27And sometimes
41:28your breakfast sandwich.
41:29And once,
41:30a strawberry milkshake
41:31and a buttload
41:32of McNuggets.
41:33I think you've been up
41:34all night.
41:35It was adorable.
41:39It was nice meeting you.
41:40I'll send you
41:41my new contact
41:41if I'm moving to Spain.
41:44Or some other country.
41:46Why don't you love me?
41:50Well, for starters,
41:51there's the screaming.
41:56Look at your line.
41:58It doesn't move.
41:59You self-centered
42:01son of bitch.
42:03What did I do wrong?
42:07Nothing.
42:08You've done this whole
42:09manic, obsessive,
42:10crazy thing.
42:11Absolutely right.
42:13It was classic.
42:16I'm not crazy.
42:18I love you.
42:20And I hope
42:20the coyote eats me
42:22so that you can see
42:23how much you love me, too.
42:25Like you loved the cat.
42:28Vanessa,
42:30there was no cat.
42:31There was no coyote.
42:33But there will be
42:34a restraining order.
42:36And one quick question.
42:37Do you know where
42:38there's another McDonald's
42:38in the area?
42:39What?
42:40You know what?
42:41They got those big signs
42:41out front.
42:42I'll find one.
42:42Goodbye.
42:43Goodbye.
42:45Ha, ha, ha.
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