- 2 days ago
Charlie and The Airport Sext
Charlie arranges a trip to Lake Tahoe for his therapy group to celebrate their 30th consecutive day without an anger incident among them. While the group is stuck at San Francisco airport, Charlie receives a text from Kate which makes him think she has reconsidered and wants a relationship with him, but it turns out to be a mistake caused by her phone's auto-correct feature. Meanwhile, Michael is put in charge of Charlie's house while he is gone, and he learns that Jen has rented it out to a film crew.
Charlie arranges a trip to Lake Tahoe for his therapy group to celebrate their 30th consecutive day without an anger incident among them. While the group is stuck at San Francisco airport, Charlie receives a text from Kate which makes him think she has reconsidered and wants a relationship with him, but it turns out to be a mistake caused by her phone's auto-correct feature. Meanwhile, Michael is put in charge of Charlie's house while he is gone, and he learns that Jen has rented it out to a film crew.
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I think the frequency of our sexual encounters leveled off around the sixth year of marriage.
00:07Otherwise, it was a pretty good year for me.
00:10I was...
00:10Who cares? I don't care.
00:13Who cares? Charlie, turn this off before we die.
00:17Or would it be more exciting if we're listening to the sex life of Hitler?
00:27Or even scarier...
00:31Pirate Hitler.
00:32Ruler of the Third Reich and the Seven Seas.
00:36But still, fun at parties.
00:42And you thought we wouldn't be able to work together.
00:45Then we should change the whole research project to computer doodling.
00:49We could talk about it over dinner.
00:50That's a dangerous road, Charlie.
00:52Road's not that dangerous. I used to drive that road all the time.
00:55No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:58That's why I got an attack dog for people like you.
01:00Sick him, Rex. Sick him.
01:03In three years, when he's trained to do that sort of thing, you'll be sorry.
01:08So you decided to keep him?
01:09No, I'm taking him back to the breeder.
01:10It's too much work.
01:12And they're so emotional.
01:13Everything is like the greatest thing they've ever seen.
01:16A dirty tennis ball is like a double rainbow.
01:19Don't worry about robot girl, Rex.
01:21One day a human will adopt you.
01:23If you like him so much, why don't you take him for a walk?
01:28I'd love to, but I gotta get home and pack.
01:31In the morning, I'm taking the group to Tahoe to celebrate.
01:34For the first time, they made it 30 days without an anger incident.
01:37Oh, so you're rewarding them for the healthy thing they're supposed to be doing in the first place.
01:41That's like rewarding Rex for laying there.
01:45God, he's so much work.
01:47It's not about the trip. It's about the milestone.
01:50They deserve to be rewarded for making 30 days.
01:52Although, as of tomorrow, it'll only be 29.
01:54Hmm. Pardon robot girl for being dubious,
01:58but on the last day of your no-anger marathon,
02:00you're going to take your anger group to an airport?
02:04In my clinical opinion, you're stupid.
02:07Ah, you may think that, but wait till you hear my reasoning.
02:10When I bought the tickets online,
02:13I put in the wrong day.
02:21Okay, so leave this light here on all night.
02:23Stack the mail right here.
02:24And if you can, try to figure out who's been stealing my Sports Illustrateds.
02:27I didn't get the last four issues.
02:29Two issues.
02:31I'll keep an eye out.
02:33I'm 16 years old.
02:35Why don't you just let me stay home alone while you're gone?
02:37Good idea.
02:38Michael, you don't have to check in.
02:40Remember, sweetheart, if someone breaks in,
02:41just hide under a bed, in a closet.
02:44It won't work.
02:45I'm going to make you feel like you did something.
02:47Do you think that's going to work?
02:49You're right.
02:50Let Michael die.
02:52Okay.
02:54Don't worry about the house.
02:55I got it.
02:56And do yourself a favor.
02:57While you're in Tahoe,
02:58just forget about Kate.
03:00Have fun.
03:01I can't forget about Kate.
03:04Besides, for the first time in a long time,
03:05we're enjoying each other's company.
03:07I actually think she's going to miss me.
03:08Well, it happens, Charlie.
03:10When I don't see you for a couple of days,
03:12things are a little off.
03:13The sun isn't quite as bright.
03:15The flowers don't smell as sweet.
03:17I still want my Sports Illustrators back.
03:18Fine.
03:20You cheap son of a bitch.
03:25Lacey, you do know it's 45 degrees in Tahoe.
03:28I know, but this will get me
03:29into the VIP security line at the airport.
03:31I am not looking forward to this.
03:34I hate flying.
03:34It is so exhausting.
03:36The only thing I can't stand
03:38is those tambourine-banging,
03:40bald-headed, hairy Christianas
03:41all over the airport
03:42throwing their religion in my face.
03:44Relax, Ed.
03:45You don't have to worry
03:46about the Hare Krishnas anymore.
03:47They've been replaced by terrorists.
03:49By terrorists,
03:50he means the people working at security.
03:53But once you get on the airplane,
03:56I love it.
03:57I mean, visiting the cockpit,
03:59talking to the captain,
04:01relaxing in a spacious seat,
04:03enjoying a smoke and a free whiskey
04:05brought to me by a hot young stewardess.
04:09Ed, when was the last time you flew?
04:12Uh, 1975.
04:15Well, the good news is
04:16those same stewardesses
04:17are still working.
04:23That flight from L.A. was terrible.
04:26Tiny seats, no meals,
04:27and the drinks were being served
04:29by the pilots.
04:30Those weren't the pilots, Ed.
04:32They were male flight attendants.
04:34What?
04:35Well, I can understand
04:36a woman wanting a man's job,
04:38but what were those fellas thinking?
04:40It was like being
04:41a man in a big flying tube of sissy.
04:45At least you didn't have
04:46a screaming baby sitting
04:47behind you the whole time.
04:48I said I was sorry.
04:50Attention, please.
04:51Due to mechanical issues,
04:52flight 451 to Lake Tahoe
04:54has been delayed indefinitely.
04:56We will update you shortly.
04:58Indefinitely?
04:59That bitch is in every airport,
05:01and she never has anything good to say.
05:05Come on, guys.
05:06You've done great up until now,
05:07and this is a big test for us.
05:08If you can control your anger
05:09for another five hours,
05:11you'll make the 30-day mark.
05:12Hello, friend.
05:13We are snowboarders for the Lord.
05:15We have to save 13 souls
05:17on this trip,
05:18and you are going to be number one.
05:22Ah, crap.
05:23It's the Hari Christians.
05:29So, friend, let me ask you a question.
05:30If you died right now,
05:32do you think you'd go to heaven?
05:34Do you?
05:35Because you can keep talking,
05:37and we'll find out for sure.
05:40Patrick, Nolan,
05:41why don't you take Ed
05:42to the As Far Away
05:43As You Can Get store?
05:45I don't know that store.
05:46Where is it?
05:47It's As Far Away
05:48As You Can Get.
05:50Ah, it seems inconvenient.
05:54Looks like this is your lucky day.
05:56Now we're free to save your soul.
05:58Yeah, too late.
05:59My ex-wife got that in the divorce.
06:03More power.
06:07Excuse me, sir.
06:08Could you unplug one of your devices
06:09so I can charge my phone?
06:11How about, let's say,
06:13the hair straightener?
06:14I mean, mission accomplished, right?
06:18Hey, sir.
06:19Don't put my hand in the hand.
06:21This is a very expensive thing
06:22that I bought for my son.
06:24I don't know that he would love me.
06:27Yeah, I'd use my translator app,
06:29but I'm out of power.
06:33Lacey, would you come over here, please?
06:36Don't start with me.
06:37Anything you eat at the airport
06:37doesn't count.
06:39I'm having a hard time
06:40talking to these people.
06:41Would you mind?
06:43Just because I'm Indian,
06:45you think I can speak their language?
06:46That's so racist.
06:48You don't have a lot of time.
06:51You don't have a lot of time.
06:52You're my father.
06:54Would you kindly ask them
06:55to just remove one plug?
06:58Just one,
06:58so I can charge my phone?
07:00I didn't just give them
07:01the Indian version of the finger,
07:02did I?
07:03Oh my God,
07:03just let me handle this.
07:05My friend has to charge
07:06my phone.
07:07You have to tell them,
07:08take it away.
07:10You talk to all the rebels
07:11like that.
07:14No, no.
07:15Only those rebels
07:16who take the most
07:16of the rebels.
07:18I see no anger.
07:19Don't blow it.
07:20I'm not angry at being nice.
07:22You're not nice.
07:23You're a very bad girl
07:24who consorts
07:25with white pretty boys.
07:27Oh yeah?
07:28Well, I don't care
07:28what you think.
07:29This is America
07:30and you're not allowed
07:30to just go around
07:31saying whatever you want.
07:33Read the Constitution
07:33of Independence, bitch.
07:38Lacey, I think you meant the...
07:39I know I said it wrong,
07:40but he doesn't,
07:41so zip it.
07:43Remember,
07:43we're only hours away
07:44from the 30-day mark.
07:45Keep it together.
07:47And sir,
07:48I'm in my 40s,
07:49so I will thank you
07:50to call me a pretty man.
07:55Hello.
07:56Yes,
07:57I'd like to order
07:58the Gonzales fight
07:59on pay-per-view tonight.
08:02$65?
08:03That's outrageous.
08:04Put it on my tab.
08:05Charlie Goodson.
08:11Martin,
08:11what are you doing here?
08:13Well,
08:13I just came over
08:14to watch the fight
08:15and spend a little
08:16father-son time
08:17with my boy.
08:18Well,
08:18your boy's out of town.
08:20He is?
08:22Why didn't he tell me?
08:24I'm just really looking forward
08:25to watching the fight
08:26with him tonight.
08:27Do me a favor.
08:27Don't tell him
08:28I watched it alone.
08:29He'd feel terrible
08:30if he knew
08:30he disappointed me.
08:32By the way,
08:33I might ask,
08:34what are you doing here?
08:35Me?
08:36I, uh,
08:37I came to clean
08:38his house for him.
08:39I thought it'd be
08:40a nice surprise
08:40when he got home.
08:43I'm not someone
08:44who sneaks around
08:45trying to take
08:46advantage of things.
08:47Now,
08:47if you wouldn't mind,
08:48I'd appreciate it
08:49if you'd leave.
08:50Through the kitchen.
08:52Kitchen?
08:53Why?
08:54What's with the questions?
08:55Please leave
08:55through the kitchen.
08:59Okay, ma'am,
09:00this location will work.
09:01We're gonna bring
09:01the cameras in,
09:02but we need a 220 outlet
09:03and a place to feed the crew.
09:04What the hell's going on here?
09:06I, um,
09:07I brought in a crew
09:08to film me cleaning the house.
09:10I plan to do
09:11a really, really good job.
09:15Charlie was right.
09:16Walking away
09:17really does help.
09:18Especially when you can
09:19walk away right into a bar.
09:20I'll drink to that.
09:23Oh, cheese and crap
09:25on toast.
09:27You and Patrick
09:28can split that.
09:30I'll just have
09:31the fried clams.
09:33Here you are, friends.
09:35You know,
09:36alcohol leads to sin.
09:37Remember,
09:38your body was a temple
09:39that was made by God.
09:41Actually, Ed's body
09:42is a beanbag chair
09:43made of beer and pasta.
09:44But it's his choice,
09:46so if you could
09:47please respect that,
09:48yeah, that'd be great.
09:49Oh, awesome truth.
09:50But there's none so blind
09:52as those who will not see.
09:53All right, that's it.
09:54It's go time.
09:56Trust me,
09:56you're wasting your time
09:57with this man.
09:58He's a secular nudist.
10:00So what about you?
10:02Have you accepted the Lord?
10:03Oh, you guys don't want me
10:06unrepentantly gay
10:07and loving
10:07every minute of it.
10:09Next.
10:10Oh, well,
10:11God still loves you, too.
10:12See, our brother Jason
10:13here used to be gay.
10:17Used to be gay?
10:18Like what,
10:18like 10 seconds ago?
10:21Oh, God,
10:23you guys are so happy
10:24that you guys have
10:25gone through the
10:25Urbasa-gazaro
10:25and you guys have
10:27You're talking
10:28like a big girl
10:29like a big girl.
10:30You're the only
10:31big girl.
10:33If you're my daughter,
10:34I'm going to die.
10:36Don't worry about it,
10:37Lacey.
10:37I can charge this
10:37somewhere else.
10:38Okay.
10:39What do you know?
10:40Ram Hamrajani is my uncle.
10:42He sent a phone call
10:44that you can raise all your family and family members
10:48and I won't have any problem.
11:02Wow.
11:04What did you say to him?
11:06I complimented him on his pants,
11:08which is the highest honor you can give to a man in my culture.
11:11And he was more than happy to leave.
11:14Nice pants?
11:155,000 years of culture? That's the best you got?
11:21I've changed my mind.
11:23I'm ready to commit. I miss sex.
11:26Give me that.
11:28Ooh, Charlie's got a girlfriend.
11:30Who's Robot Girl?
11:33A diabolical female machine powered by my unhappiness.
11:37Who finally, after all this time,
11:40is ready to be with me,
11:41and I'm stuck in the San Francisco airport.
11:43Wow. Charlie, you should go back right now.
11:46I know, I know, but I don't want to abandon the group.
11:48I want to be there when you guys reach this milestone.
11:50No worries. I'll tell everyone you had an emergency.
11:52I don't know, Lace.
11:53For once, Charlie, just go do something for yourself.
11:57It's such an easy decision.
11:58I know, I know, but keep convincing me
11:59so I feel like I struggled with it.
12:02Seriously, go.
12:04All right, I'm gonna do this.
12:05I'm gonna just shoot her a text letter.
12:06I know I'm on my way.
12:06Are you crazy? Don't do that. Just show up.
12:08Women love a BRJ.
12:11Excuse me?
12:12A big romantic gesture.
12:15Wouldn't that be BRG?
12:17Maybe the way you do it.
12:21Excuse me. I need a flight to Los Angeles.
12:23Let me check.
12:25There's one flight left, but it leaves in ten minutes.
12:28You want it?
12:28Absolutely. Here's my card.
12:31Oh, my God.
12:33Charlie Goodson.
12:35Yeah?
12:36Don't you recognize me?
12:38Uh, sure. You're the TSA guy.
12:41No!
12:421995. Dodger Stadium.
12:44The playoffs.
12:46You broke a bat over your knee and ended your career
12:48because you were so mad that a fan reached out
12:50and grabbed a foul ball?
12:52That was me!
12:55Wow. That was you.
12:57Well, you know what? I've actually moved on with my life
13:00and things are working out pretty well.
13:02So, uh, no hard feelings?
13:04I forgive you.
13:05How's your ticket, sir?
13:06You better hurry. They're boarding now.
13:09See, here's the thing.
13:12I don't forgive you.
13:14You ruined my life.
13:18You're not going anywhere.
13:25Okay, the computer.
13:27I'd like you to turn it on,
13:28turn it off,
13:30then turn it on again,
13:31and while you're doing that,
13:32I'm going to swab your face for bomb-making residue.
13:35Why are you doing this to me?
13:37I'm the one who lost my baseball career.
13:39Yeah, but you made me a pariah in my own town.
13:41After you went on the news
13:43and told everyone that I ruined the Dodgers season,
13:45my whole life fell apart.
13:47I had to move to a different city.
13:49Now, I look at fat people's silhouettes in a scanner
13:52while my lungs collect radiation.
13:55That's rough.
13:56You ever give a 300-pound man a cavity search?
13:59If I say yes,
14:00will you feel closer to me and let me go?
14:02No.
14:03Then no, that's disgusting.
14:04I'm just trying to catch a flight.
14:06Well, I was just trying to catch a foul ball.
14:08I'm sorry.
14:10Is there a problem?
14:11Yes.
14:12Yes.
14:13This man has a personal vendetta against me
14:15and wants me to miss my flight.
14:17I'm not a terrorist.
14:18This isn't a jihad.
14:19There's no gunpowder in my computer.
14:21There's no explosives in my socks.
14:23And there's no heroin in my underwear.
14:25I'm sorry, sir.
14:26You just said four of our five top watchwords.
14:29And now we also have to check your underwear for heroin.
14:35This is totally un-American.
14:37And there was number five.
14:40I suppose now you're going to go get the rubber gloves.
14:42Oh, yeah.
14:43Thanks for reminding me.
14:44I sometimes forget those things.
14:53I can't believe you rented out my son's house to a movie crew.
14:57They do it all the time out here, but my place wasn't big enough.
15:00No, nonetheless, you've gone way over the line with this, Jen.
15:03Bringing perfect strangers into a man's house just to make a few bucks,
15:06I'm going to have to tell Charlie about this.
15:08It's $8,000.
15:09I'll cut you in for half.
15:11Or we can take it to our graves.
15:12Either way.
15:16What the hell is going on in here?
15:18I don't know what you're referring to.
15:22Charlie left me in charge of the place,
15:24and he never said anything about a movie shoot.
15:28Oh, my God, that's Angel Lynn Fox.
15:32Angel Lynn Fox?
15:34Yeah, the porn star.
15:36And I know that because I read an article about her,
15:39and I'm going to say The New Yorker.
15:43You didn't tell me it was a porno movie.
15:45I had no idea, Martin.
15:47Oh, really?
15:48The name of the director on the contract wasn't a clue?
15:52Penis De Laurentiis.
15:54Yeah, I should have caught that.
15:58This is appalling.
15:59I'm with Martin.
16:01I find this demeaning and shameful and a little bit sad.
16:06Okay, everybody, pack up your stuff.
16:09We're going to my house.
16:13I'm really proud of you for holding it together, Patrick.
16:16You saved the 30 days.
16:18Barely.
16:18Where does he get off calling my lifestyle unnatural?
16:22He's the one wearing microfleece polyester.
16:25Hey, Lacey.
16:27Lacey.
16:28Where's Charlie?
16:30Oh, he has a family emergency and had to go back to L.A.
16:33What happened?
16:36His, um, daughter went on a field trip to the aquarium,
16:40and she fell into the whale cage.
16:45I promise you're not going to find anything.
16:47Why don't you just tell your supervisor the truth?
16:50Sorry, but the bomb-sniffing dog did react pretty strongly to your crotch.
16:55All dogs react strongly to crotches.
16:57That's how they say hello.
17:00Look, Todd, this isn't going to help you turn your life around.
17:03You're not going to be able to move forward unless you let go of your anger.
17:06Fair enough.
17:08But once the gloves are ordered, there's really nothing I can do.
17:12Look, Todd, can we talk man to man?
17:16To man?
17:19Sure.
17:20Okay, okay.
17:21There's this girl waiting for me in L.A.,
17:24and for years, all she wanted to do was have sex with me,
17:26but then I got this text saying that she's ready for her commitment.
17:29Hold on.
17:30You expect us to believe that a woman only wants sex,
17:33but a man wants a commitment?
17:35Okay, now, this story is really falling apart.
17:39You believe me, right, Todd?
17:40There's got to be some special gal in your life, right?
17:43Yeah, Luann.
17:45But she left me after what you did to me in 1995.
17:49Please, you've got to let me get on that flight to L.A.
17:51Well, I'm sorry, but your flight actually just left.
17:54It left?
17:56Yes.
17:56Now, once we go behind the privacy screen,
17:58we're going to need you to pull down your pants.
18:02But I'm not even flying anymore.
18:04Now it's just a bad date.
18:16What happened to you?
18:17Nothing, thank God.
18:20I'm sure Lacey told you I'd have to get back to L.A.
18:22I just missed my flight, so I'm going to rent a car.
18:25But you are only hours away from the 30-day mark,
18:27and I know you can do this.
18:29And Sam will be fine, Charlie.
18:32Whales are huge, but they're mostly plankton.
18:36I thought you weren't going to get high until we got to Tahoe.
18:41So it's okay if I keep his crate in the bathroom?
18:43Wherever his crate is, that's his home.
18:45The idea is to make him fit into your lifestyle.
18:48I feel really good about changing my mind.
18:50I really think I'm ready for this kind of commitment.
18:53I was just texting a friend about how much I miss this little guy.
18:57Did I miss Rex?
18:59Yes!
19:00I miss Rex!
19:02I miss Rex!
19:08You know, I'm a little surprised to see you.
19:11Whatever happened to the ski trip?
19:13Doesn't matter.
19:14This is more important to me.
19:15Really?
19:16You could have waited.
19:17Well, I couldn't.
19:19Aw, that's really sweet.
19:20All right.
19:21Ready to see my little fluffball?
19:24I just drove five hours.
19:26You're damn right I'm ready.
19:28And I love the new nickname, Fluffball.
19:30Yeah, well, when you get a cut in shampoo, the hair on that thing really expands.
19:37Really?
19:38And you're gonna love how it smells.
19:40And wait until you see that little bow.
19:42Little bow?
19:43That's different.
19:45Yeah, I thought it'd be too girly, but, you know, everyone seems to like it.
19:50Everyone?
19:51Who else has seen it?
19:52Everyone in the building.
19:55I wanted everyone to see, so they'll stop complaining about the noise.
20:00What noise?
20:03Here's Rex.
20:09Charlie, what the hell are you doing?
20:12I saw this on the dog whisperer.
20:14Trust me, it works.
20:17See?
20:18See how calm he is?
20:20Charlie, do you think we were gonna have sex?
20:22Well, when you texted me, I missed sex.
20:25I assumed.
20:26Sex, like I'd suddenly do a 180 and want to commit.
20:29I wrote, I miss Rex.
20:34The phone auto-corrected me.
20:36Oh, God, I sent the same text to my entire family.
20:39No wonder Uncle Louie sent me that picture.
20:41I always thought he was a perv.
20:43Well, maybe you should read them before you hit send.
20:46Your phone is a sex fiend.
20:48Oh, really?
20:50Okay.
20:51Okay.
20:52Do you like my puppy?
20:57Okay, it turned like to lick.
21:00Wait till you see what it did with puppy.
Comments