- 2 days ago
Charlie and The Cheating Patient
Charlie becomes convinced that Sean is cheating on Jen with Lacey, so he tells Jen who breaks up with Sean. After Sean convinces Charlie that he was wrong, Jen takes him back, but Charlie is still suspicious. Meanwhile, Nolan is freaked out after his apartment is robbed, and he asks Patrick and Ed to stay over with him. Ed takes his gun with him.
Charlie becomes convinced that Sean is cheating on Jen with Lacey, so he tells Jen who breaks up with Sean. After Sean convinces Charlie that he was wrong, Jen takes him back, but Charlie is still suspicious. Meanwhile, Nolan is freaked out after his apartment is robbed, and he asks Patrick and Ed to stay over with him. Ed takes his gun with him.
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TVTranscript
00:01Hey, Charlie.
00:02Charlie!
00:03Hey, Shawn.
00:04Glad you're back in group.
00:07You guys just did a bro hug.
00:09That's like the male version of,
00:10oh, my God, I love your shoes.
00:13Shawn, the group will be here in a minute
00:14if you want to head in.
00:15I'm gonna miss you, babe.
00:17Oh.
00:17I'm gonna miss you, too, babe.
00:20Ah, young love.
00:21It's so much cuter than what's going on right here.
00:26Shawn, you want to grab this?
00:27I'll follow you with the coffee.
00:28All right?
00:30See you later, babe.
00:31Keep walking, babe.
00:34I finally get to use the shower,
00:37and Ed has once again helped himself
00:40to my milk and honey soap with oatmeal and shea butter.
00:43Can you blame him?
00:44Sounds delicious.
00:46What makes you think I'm using your soap?
00:49Your hairs are all over it.
00:50They can't be Ed hairs. He doesn't have any.
00:53Oh, my God.
00:55I'm at the age where they're jumping ship.
00:57I can't stop them.
00:59You know how they say that any conversation in therapy
01:02can lead to something good?
01:04Well, they were wrong.
01:06I'm sorry. I'm confused.
01:07Uh, why is the old man living with the gay man?
01:13That's a long story, but the, uh,
01:15but the gay man tricked the old man into thinking he won the lottery.
01:19I told Patrick if Ed thought he was rich,
01:22he'd go crazy and leave his wife.
01:24You said nothing.
01:26You said it would be funny.
01:28Yeah, that's right.
01:31Aren't you guys supposed to be helping each other not be angry?
01:34Yeah, what's wrong with you people?
01:36You're such idiots.
01:39See you all next week.
01:48Did you see what I saw?
01:49Yeah.
01:50I noticed it all throughout session.
01:52A man Ed's age should wear socks with his shoes.
01:56Yeah, that, that, that could destroy our relationship too.
02:04It's been the happiest 11 years of my life,
02:07and I can't imagine not being married to her.
02:11Me too.
02:12Well, thank you both very much for coming in.
02:15Real pleasure.
02:16Thanks.
02:17Bye-bye.
02:22It is so nice to see a couple that happy.
02:24They'll be divorced in six months.
02:26What?
02:27How do you know?
02:28I just know.
02:29I felt it the second I saw them.
02:31It's so unlike you, you know, to feel something.
02:34It's not a feeling, it's science.
02:36It's like that Gladwell book, Blink.
02:38Our subconscious makes a thousand calculations
02:41and decides things before we're even aware of it.
02:43I knew they were doomed the second they walked in.
02:46You don't know what you're talking about.
02:50Excuse me.
02:51My lovely wife left her $600 sunglasses here.
02:54Third time this month.
02:55Next time, I make the bitch pay for them.
03:00Blink.
03:03Oh man.
03:06What is it?
03:08I think I blinked something today in group.
03:11The guy Jen's blinking is blinking someone else.
03:14Here's the worst part.
03:16I think he's cheating on her?
03:17With Lacey.
03:18You'd think it goes without saying,
03:20but that's why you don't have your ex-wife's new boyfriend
03:22in your therapy group.
03:24Just once, I'd like something to actually go without saying.
03:29That wouldn't be any fun.
03:30But of course that goes without saying.
03:37Ed.
03:38I'll buy you some socks.
03:40No more excuses.
03:44Where are you?
03:45In the shower.
03:47Of course.
03:52Nolan, you don't need to keep checking in.
03:54I already told you.
03:55Ed and I are never going to have a party and forget to invite you.
03:59That's not what I'm calling about this time.
04:01I've been robbed.
04:02Are you serious?
04:03Are you okay?
04:04Yeah, I guess.
04:06They talk just about everything.
04:08I'm pretty shaken up.
04:10Are you hurt?
04:11A little.
04:13They kept saying my stuff was crap.
04:16Okay, we'll be right over.
04:18Okay, thanks.
04:19Bye.
04:20Ed, hurry up.
04:21Nolan's been robbed and we have to get over there.
04:23I'm almost done.
04:25Seriously, what are you doing?
04:26I'm washing your soap.
04:29It's a damn oxymoron.
04:33This is a pretty racy costume for a high school musical.
04:36We're doing Chicago.
04:37We have to stay authentic to the times and the story, Mom.
04:40Yeah, right.
04:42Admit it.
04:42You just like looking hot.
04:44I get it.
04:46I got sent home by the principal for wearing a blouse that was too revealing.
04:50Really?
04:51What grade were you in?
04:53All of them.
05:01Alright, freeze.
05:03What is she doing wearing your old wedding dress?
05:06We're doing Chicago and I'm going to be a chorus girl.
05:10Mom said it was okay.
05:13I can't believe this.
05:15What?
05:15That our little girls growing up?
05:16No, that I have to go to a musical.
05:19Let me ask you something.
05:22How did you know I was cheating?
05:24I walked in on you in that hotel room in Atlanta.
05:27You said she was a physical therapist but I didn't buy it.
05:31Because you had a gut feeling, right?
05:33Because you had your penis inside her?
05:36Right.
05:37Again, so sorry about all that.
05:40Well, Jen, I've got a gut feeling about Sean.
05:44He's cheating?
05:45I think so.
05:46Oh my God.
05:48What did you see?
05:49Was he kissing someone?
05:51Well, no, no.
05:52Her shoulder kind of brushed up against his shoulder.
05:57And then what happened?
05:59But that, that, that, that, that was about it.
06:00But that, that, that was enough.
06:03Damn it.
06:04That lying, cheating shoulder pressure.
06:07You're not taking me seriously, are you?
06:09No, I am not.
06:10Charlie, you have had it out for this guy from day one.
06:14Get out.
06:16I'm only telling you this because I care about you.
06:18Get out.
06:19Jen, I know cheating.
06:21If it walks like a Charlie and talks like a Charlie, it's screwing somebody.
06:28Who is it?
06:29It's us.
06:31Prove you're not the robbers.
06:33You're an idiot.
06:36Robbers wouldn't know that.
06:40Thanks for coming, guys.
06:42Oh my God.
06:43They really did take everything.
06:45I'm so sorry, Nolan.
06:48Did you write a list for the police?
06:50Yeah, right here.
06:54TV, PlayStation.
06:57Okay, where's the rest?
06:59Oh, that was it.
07:01You're telling me that's all they took?
07:03This is how you live?
07:07Well, what about your furniture?
07:08Where'd you sit?
07:10Oh, my God.
07:11They took my milk crate, too.
07:14Well, at least they didn't take the thing I care about the most.
07:19Turtle.
07:20Turtle the parakeet.
07:22Turtle's great. He keeps me company.
07:24Sometimes I feel like he's the only one who listens without interrupting.
07:28Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.
07:29What do you need from us?
07:33I don't know.
07:34Can you just hang for a while?
07:36I'm a little nervous to be here alone.
07:38Sure.
07:40If they come back, we'll be prepared.
07:45Is that real?
07:46Sure it's real.
07:48Feel how heavy that is.
07:50Ed, what the hell are you thinking?
07:53Did you have a gun in my apartment this whole time?
07:56No, I had three guns.
07:59Look at me. I need a child.
08:01Woo, woo, woo.
08:02Hey.
08:03Give me that.
08:05Patrick.
08:06There is nothing wrong with guns.
08:10If somebody breaks into your home, what are you gonna do?
08:13Their hair?
08:15No.
08:16Hey! Too late. I shot you.
08:20I shot you again. You're there. Stop moving.
08:24So, without any real evidence, you told Jen her boyfriend's cheating?
08:29I had the blink instinct.
08:31Oh, that's different.
08:32I read that book and it's true.
08:34I can walk into a bar and instantly spot every single woman who's not going to want to sleep with
08:41me.
08:42So, you mean every single woman?
08:47Hey, Charlie, why don't you come open the door so I can kick your ass?
08:51I better get out of here. I gotta deal with this guy.
08:52Are you sure?
08:53My blink instinct tells me this guy wants to kick your ass.
08:58Hey, don't worry. He's not gonna hurt me.
09:00He lives off Jen and Jen lives off me.
09:02If he kills me, he'll starve to death.
09:04See ya.
09:10Hey, what's going on?
09:12You lying son of a bitch.
09:14You told Jen that I was cheating on her and she kicked me out.
09:18Whoa, whoa, whoa. She didn't believe me.
09:20So, if she kicked you out, that's from something she found out on her own.
09:22She found a couple of calls that I made to Lacey.
09:25I knew it. The shoulder bump.
09:28I was calling Lacey because she has club connections and that's my industry, dude.
09:34I'm busting my ass to try and get a job.
09:37Spinning an excuse to cover your tracks and look like a hero.
09:41Cheating technique number one.
09:43Look, you were talking to a former professional cheater.
09:46Really? What happened? It got in the way of your new career as a full-time douchebag?
09:51Accusing the accuser?
09:53You bore me, son.
09:55Oh, and by the way, consoling the newly divorced friend?
09:58I invented that.
09:59The divorce rate in the 90s was like a gift to me.
10:03That was a lie.
10:04Because I was on a job interview.
10:06Why would you lie about being on a job interview?
10:08Because it was the 15th job interview I've been on in the last month.
10:11And every time that I fail, I have to see my girlfriend pretend like she's not disappointed.
10:15But I can see it in her eyes.
10:18And then when you look in the garbage and you see a cupcake with congratulations written on the top of
10:22it,
10:23you don't eat that cupcake. You know why?
10:25Because it was touching an old Q-tip and a banana peel.
10:30Because you feel like dirt.
10:32And you feel like you don't deserve a cupcake.
10:35Cheating technique number two.
10:37The sob story.
10:39Nice try, but it's not gonna work on me.
10:41Especially when I can call Lacey right now and find out the truth.
10:44Call her.
10:44I will.
10:50Oh, hey, Charlie.
10:51Can you talk?
10:51Yeah, I'm not doing anything.
10:53Oh, and I took your advice.
10:55I'm hands-free, super safe.
10:58One lane, Grandma.
11:00I'm doing my eyes.
11:02Lacey, I need you to tell me the truth.
11:03Are you and Sean having a relationship?
11:05Hot Sean from the group?
11:07Yes, Lacey.
11:08Hot Sean from the group.
11:11No.
11:12I'm just helping him find a job, you know, because I care about people.
11:16Walk faster, you fat ass.
11:20Lacey, you've never lied to me before, so if you tell me there's nothing going on with you and Sean,
11:23I won't believe you.
11:25Of course not, because I'd be against the rules.
11:27I mean, you've still got that rule right, because if you don't have that rule, then...
11:30I've still got the rule!
11:32I'm sorry about the Alcine group.
11:34Bye-bye.
11:35Hi.
11:39So, uh, what technique do you call it when you find out that I was telling the truth?
11:46Technique 14B.
11:48Where the accuser realizes that he was wrong all along and should have mind his own business.
11:54So...
11:57Someone deserves a cupcake.
12:04Go away, you lying, cheating piece of crap!
12:08It's Charlie!
12:11Oh.
12:13Well, then it still applies. I hate you all.
12:19Look, I know you're upset, but I'm going to tell you something that's going to make you very, very angry.
12:24And then I'm going to kill you.
12:27But wait, there's more.
12:29I'm also going to tell you something that's going to make you very, very happy.
12:32So why don't we just focus on the very happy and blow off the rest?
12:35What is it?
12:36Remember that stupid thing I told you about Sean?
12:38He was all, you know, cheating and everything.
12:40Well, guess what?
12:42Turns out, I goofed.
12:43And a goof doesn't sound so bad, right?
12:46So he wasn't cheating?
12:48Actually, I found out that he was going out at night trying to get a job at a club and
12:51Lacey was helping.
12:53I'm sorry.
12:54I kicked him out of the house all because of you?
12:58Yes!
12:59That's the great news! Congratulations!
13:03Hi, babe.
13:05Perfect timing.
13:06Babe, why did you bring me flowers? I'm the one who was wrong.
13:10No, babe.
13:11I know how bad you felt when you thought I cheated on you.
13:14I don't have arranged you to do something like that.
13:16I should have just told you where I was in the first place.
13:20Oh, babe.
13:24Oh.
13:30All right.
13:30Well, I'm going to, uh...
13:33I'm just going to, uh...
13:39Unless, of course, you guys need anything.
13:42Nothing at all.
13:42You're both good.
13:44Awesome.
13:48Gin.
13:48I win.
13:50It seems a little unfair you won't teach us the rules.
13:56Does anybody want anything to eat?
13:58I'm going to the bedroom.
14:00Why do you keep food in the bedroom?
14:02Uh, why do I sleep in the kitchen?
14:04I like to mix it up.
14:09Should we be worried about Nolan?
14:11I mean, I had no idea he was living in such abject poverty with only a bird to talk to.
14:17Are you kidding me?
14:19When I was his age, I was sloshing through the jungle, dodging enemy fire with nothing but a necklace of
14:24ears to talk to.
14:28Which is why this baby is my best friend.
14:31Ed, would you please put that thing back in your...belt bag?
14:36It's called a holster, Patrick.
14:39And if you knew anything about guns, you would know that they don't go off randomly.
14:44They cannot be fired if the safety's on or if the clip is out.
14:50Here.
14:52Hold it.
14:54I will hold it this one time...
14:59Just to say that I...
15:08Oh my God, I killed this bird!
15:12Oops.
15:15Must have been one left in the chamber.
15:18When does that always happen?
15:21Are the rockers back?
15:22Uh, yeah, they did a drive-by.
15:24All right, we're okay, but I think your bird got winged.
15:30Oh, man.
15:33I am so sorry, Nolan.
15:35I was holding the gun and it just went off.
15:39I'll never forgive myself.
15:41Oh, poor little guy.
15:52There.
15:54Good as new.
15:56Honey, you can't staple a bird back to life.
15:59Sure you can.
16:00Turtle's been dead for ten years.
16:02He's my best friend.
16:03So I had him stuffed.
16:07I'm scared.
16:07I want to go home.
16:11Thank you for taking me out to dinner, Charlie.
16:14Are you kidding me?
16:15Everything I put you through is the least I can do.
16:17I'm just glad she took you back.
16:19The last few days, it's been great.
16:21The first night she felt bad,
16:23I had some of the most amazing makeup conversation that I've ever had.
16:29I could barely talk the next day.
16:33So you boys ready to order?
16:35Yes, I am.
16:37I think I'm going to do the prime rib.
16:40Maybe two.
16:41I had a boyfriend eat two prime ribs once.
16:43Of course, he was getting executed the next morning.
16:48Can I have one more minute, please?
16:49I thought it was the last thing he said.
16:54Hi, Lance.
16:55Hey, Charlie.
16:56Hey, Sean. What's going on?
16:58I just wanted to buy you both a drink and apologize to you guys for accusing you of sleeping together.
17:04Thanks, but not necessary.
17:06No. No.
17:08I owe you an explanation.
17:10I overreacted because...
17:13Sean's been living with my ex-wife.
17:17Oh, really?
17:18You're living with Charlie's ex-wife?
17:21Did I not mention that while we were talking about clubs?
17:25You son of a bitch.
17:29But you guys aren't seeing each other lately.
17:30Why would you be so upset?
17:32Because I've been screwing him for two weeks.
17:37Wow.
17:39This may be a little awkward, but, uh, you mind joining us for dinner?
17:46Gut instinct.
17:47The flowers, the candy, you were showing up with way too much stuff for a guy who was innocent.
17:52All right.
17:54My love for Jen is so strong that I got...
17:56Not good enough.
17:57Okay. All right.
17:59This is really...
18:00This is hard for me to admit. Okay?
18:02It is.
18:03I don't believe that anybody could love me unconditionally.
18:06Nah.
18:07I'm a sex addict.
18:09Nah.
18:10My babysitter touched me.
18:12Nah.
18:13The correct answer is...
18:15I am leaving town.
18:23Come in.
18:33Okay.
18:35You're watching old movies.
18:37Eating ice cream.
18:39Drinking bourbon.
18:40And cutting up old pictures of Sean.
18:42I know already.
18:44Lacey called me to apologize.
18:46So you're doing every cliché, broken-hunted-girl ritual at once?
18:51Yes, but I'm not feeling any better yet.
18:54I gotta find a way to speed this up.
18:59Bourbon float.
19:01That'd be perfect at birthday parties for alcoholic kids.
19:06Sweetie.
19:07Alcohol and ice cream are not gonna solve your problems.
19:12Holy crap, that's good.
19:15You need to...
19:16You need to get away and go somewhere.
19:18I don't have any money.
19:20It'll be my treat.
19:22Okay.
19:24I always want to go to Italy.
19:30I was thinking more of the Doubletree in Palm Springs.
19:33I'd give you a cookie of chicken.
19:39Hey.
19:39She's back.
19:41What's with leaving the front door open?
19:43What is a door, anyway?
19:45My heart's open.
19:46My mind's open.
19:47My door's open.
19:48It's all the same thing.
19:49Know what I mean?
19:50No. No one does.
19:54I just feel so enlightened after the weekend in the desert.
19:57Thank you for sending me away.
19:59So I take it you had a good time in Palm Springs?
20:01Hmm.
20:02That kinda sucked, but I met these super cool people,
20:04so I jumped in their van and spent the weekend at Burning Man.
20:08Well, at least you came back with a cool story.
20:10Oh, I came back with more than that.
20:12Hey, beautiful.
20:14I made some prime vegan grilled cheese sandwiches.
20:19Blessings, friend.
20:23Hugs are free.
20:25So are not hugs.
20:27This is my ex-husband Charlie.
20:29Charlie, this is Canvas.
20:31Canvas.
20:32I'm open to interpretation.
20:34Yeah, I get it.
20:34I know what a canvas is.
20:36Such a playful spirit he has.
20:39Ooh!
20:40I made some superfood goji berry lemonade.
20:42I'm gonna go get it.
20:43Okay.
20:47What is that?
20:49I'll tell you what that is.
20:51That's sweet.
20:53That's considerate.
20:54That's honest.
20:56Yeah, but don't you think it's maybe a little bit...
20:58Young, hot, and stupid? Yeah.
21:00And I'm okay with that.
21:01In fact, I'm looking forward to it.
21:03Two, maybe three times a day.
21:07Well, as a person who's been guilty of young, hot, and stupid,
21:10have fun.
21:26Hey, Charlie.
21:27Charlie!
21:28Hey, Sean.
21:30Glad you're back in group.
21:33You guys just did a bro hug.
21:34That's like the male version of,
21:36Oh my God, I love your shoes.
21:39Sean, the group will be here any minute if you want to head in.
21:41I'm gonna miss you, babe.
21:42Oh.
21:43I'm gonna miss you too, babe.
21:45Ah, young love.
21:46Ah, young love.
21:46It's so much cuter than what's scary.
21:48What's going on right here.
21:51Yeah.
21:51Sean, you want to grab this?
21:53I'll follow you with the coffee.
21:54Alright.
21:55See you later, babe.
21:57Keep walking, babe.
22:00I finally get to use the shower,
22:02and Ed has once again helped himself to my milk and honey soap
22:06with oatmeal and shea butter.
22:08Can you blame him?
22:10Sounds delicious.
22:12What makes you think I'm using your soap?
22:14Your hairs are all over it.
22:16They can't be Ed hairs.
22:17He doesn't have any.
22:18Oh my God.
22:20I'm at the age where they're jumping ship.
22:23I can't stop them.
22:25You know how they say that any conversation in therapy
22:27can lead to something good?
22:29Well, they were wrong.
22:31I'm sorry, I'm confused.
22:33Why is the old man living with the gay man?
22:38That's a long story, but the gay man tricked the old man
22:41into thinking he won the lottery.
22:44I told Patrick, if Ed thought he was rich, he'd go crazy and leave his wife.
22:49You said nothing.
22:51You said it would be funny.
22:53Yeah, that's right.
22:57Aren't you guys supposed to be helping each other not be angry?
23:00Yeah, what's wrong with you people?
23:02You're such idiots.
23:05See you all next week.
23:13Did you see what I saw?
23:15Yeah.
23:15I noticed it all throughout session.
23:18A man Ed's age should wear socks with his shoes.
23:22Yeah, that could destroy our relationship too.
23:30It's been the happiest 11 years of my life and I can't imagine not being married to her.
23:36Me too.
23:38Well, thank you both very much for coming in.
23:40Real pleasure.
23:41Thanks.
23:42Nice to meet you.
23:43Bye-bye.
23:47It is so nice to see a couple that happy.
23:49They'll be divorced in six months.
23:52What?
23:53How do you know?
23:54I just know.
23:55I felt it the second I saw them.
23:56It's so unlike you, you know, to feel something.
24:00It's not a feeling, it's science.
24:02It's like that Gladwell book, Blink.
24:04Our subconscious makes a thousand calculations and decides things before we're even aware of it.
24:09I knew they were doomed the second they walked in.
24:11Come on, you don't know what you're talking about.
24:15Excuse me.
24:16My lovely wife left her $600 sunglasses here.
24:20Third time this month.
24:20Next time, I make the bitch pay for them.
24:26Blink.
24:29Oh, man.
24:31What is it?
24:34I think I blinked something today in group.
24:36The guy Jen's blinking is blinking someone else.
24:40Here's the worst part.
24:41I think he's cheating on her with Lacey.
24:44You'd think it goes without saying, but that's why you don't have your ex-wife's new boyfriend in your therapy
24:48group.
24:49Just once, I'd like something to actually go without saying.
24:54That wouldn't be any fun, but of course that goes without saying.
25:03Ed, I bought you some socks.
25:06No more excuses.
25:09Where are you?
25:11In the shower.
25:12Of course.
25:17Nolan, you don't need to keep checking in.
25:19I already told you Ed and I are never going to have a party and forget to invite you.
25:24No, that's not what I'm calling about this time.
25:27I've been robbed.
25:28Are you serious?
25:29Are you okay?
25:30Yeah, I guess.
25:31They talk just about everything.
25:34I'm pretty shaken up.
25:35Are you hurt?
25:37A little.
25:38They kept saying my stuff was crap.
25:42Okay, we'll be right over.
25:43Okay, thanks.
25:44Bye.
25:45Ed, hurry up.
25:47Nolan's been robbed and we have to get over there.
25:49I'm almost done.
25:50Seriously, what are you doing?
25:52I'm washing your soap.
25:54It's a damn oxymoron.
25:58This is a pretty racy costume for a high school musical.
26:02We're doing Chicago.
26:03We have to stay authentic to the times and the story, Mom.
26:06Yeah, right.
26:07Admit it, you just like looking hot.
26:09I get it.
26:11I got sent home by the principal for wearing a blouse that was too revealing.
26:15Really?
26:16What grade were you in?
26:18All of them.
26:23Okay.
26:27All right, freeze.
26:29What is she doing wearing your old wedding dress?
26:32We're doing Chicago and I'm going to be a chorus girl.
26:35Mom said it was okay.
26:38I can't believe this.
26:40What, that our little girl's growing up?
26:42No, that I have to go to a musical.
26:45So let me ask you something.
26:47How did you know I was cheating?
26:49I walked in on you in that hotel room in Atlanta.
26:53You said she was a physical therapist, but I didn't buy it.
26:57Because you had a gut feeling, right?
26:58Because you had your penis inside her.
27:02Right.
27:02Again, so sorry about all that.
27:06Well, Jen, I've got a gut feeling about Sean.
27:09He's cheating?
27:10I think so.
27:12Oh my God.
27:13What did you see?
27:15Was he kissing someone?
27:17Well, no, no.
27:18Her shoulder kind of brushed up against his shoulder.
27:22And then what happened?
27:24But that, that, that, that, that was about it.
27:26But that, that, that was enough.
27:28Damn it.
27:29That lying, cheating shoulder pressure.
27:33You're not taking me seriously, are you?
27:34No, I am not.
27:36Charlie, you have had it out for this guy from day one.
27:40Get out.
27:41I'm only telling you this because I care about you.
27:44Get out.
27:45Jen, I know cheating.
27:47If it walks like a Charlie and talks like a Charlie, it's screwing somebody.
27:53Who is it?
27:54It's us.
27:56Prove you're not the robbers.
27:58You're an idiot.
28:01Robbers wouldn't know that.
28:05Thanks for coming, guys.
28:07Oh my God, they really did take everything.
28:11I'm so sorry, Nolan.
28:13Did you write a list for the police?
28:15Yeah, right here.
28:20TV, PlayStation.
28:23Okay, where's the rest?
28:25Oh, that was it?
28:26You're telling me that's all they took?
28:29This is how you live?
28:32Well, what about your furniture?
28:34Where'd you sit?
28:35Oh my God, they took my milk crate too.
28:39Well, at least they didn't take the thing I care about the most.
28:44Turtle.
28:46Turtle the parakeet.
28:48Turtle's great.
28:49He keeps me company.
28:50Sometimes I feel like he's the only one who listens without interrupting.
28:53Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.
28:55What do you need from us?
28:58I don't know.
28:59Can you just hang for a while?
29:01I'm a little nervous to be here alone.
29:04Sure.
29:05If they come back, we'll be prepared.
29:10Is that real?
29:12Sure it's real.
29:14Feel how heavy that is.
29:16Ed, what the hell are you thinking?
29:18Did you have a gun in my apartment this whole time?
29:22No, I had three guns.
29:25Look at me, I need a charge.
29:28Hey, give me a hat.
29:31Patrick, there is nothing wrong with guns.
29:35If somebody breaks into your home, what are you gonna do? Their hair?
29:41No.
29:42Hey, too late, I shot you.
29:44No, I would not.
29:45I shot you again. You're dead. Stop moving.
29:50So, without any real evidence, you told Jen her boyfriend's cheating?
29:55I had the blink instinct.
29:56Oh, that's different.
29:58I read that book, and it's true.
30:00I can walk into a bar and instantly spot every single woman who's not gonna wanna sleep with me.
30:07So you mean every single woman?
30:12Hey, Charlie, why don't you come open the door so I can kick your ass?
30:16I better get out of here. I gotta deal with this guy.
30:18Are you sure?
30:19My blink instinct tells me this guy wants to kick your ass.
30:23Hey, don't worry. He's not gonna hurt me.
30:25He lives off Jen and Jen lives off me.
30:27If he kills me, he'll starve to death.
30:30See ya.
30:36Hey, what's going on?
30:38You lying son of a bitch.
30:39You told Jen that I was cheating on her and she kicked me out.
30:43Whoa, whoa, whoa. She didn't believe me.
30:45So if she kicked you out, that's from something she found out on her own.
30:48She found a couple of calls that I made to Lacey.
30:51I knew it. The shoulder bump.
30:54I was calling Lacey because she has club connections and that's my industry, dude.
30:59I'm busting my ass to try and get a job.
31:02Spinning an excuse to cover your tracks and look like a hero.
31:06Cheating technique number one.
31:08Look, you were talking to a former professional cheater.
31:12Really? What happened? It got in the way of your new career as a full-time douchebag?
31:17Accusing the accuser?
31:18You bore me, son.
31:20Oh, and by the way, consoling the newly divorced friend?
31:23I invented that.
31:25The divorce rate in the 90s was like a gift to me.
31:28All right.
31:29That was a lie because I was on a job interview.
31:31Why would you lie about being on a job interview?
31:33Because it was the 15th job interview I've been on in the last month.
31:37And every time that I fail, I have to see my girlfriend pretend like she's not disappointed,
31:41but I can see it in her eyes.
31:43And then when you look in the garbage and you see a cupcake with congratulations written on the top of
31:48it,
31:49you don't eat that cupcake. You know why?
31:51Because it was touching an old Q-tub and a banana peel.
31:56Because you feel like dirt.
31:57And you feel like you don't deserve a cupcake.
32:00Cheating technique number two.
32:02The sob story.
32:05Nice try, but it's not gonna work on me.
32:07Especially when I can call Lacey right now and find out the truth.
32:09Call her.
32:10I will.
32:15Oh, hey, Charlie.
32:16Can you talk?
32:17Yeah, I'm not doing anything.
32:19Oh, and I took your advice.
32:21I'm hands-free.
32:22Super safe.
32:24One lane, Grandma.
32:25I'm doing my eyes.
32:27Lacey, I need you to tell me the truth.
32:29Are you and Sean having a relationship?
32:31Hot Sean from the group?
32:33Yes, Lacey.
32:34Hot Sean from the group.
32:36No.
32:37I'm just helping him find a job, you know, because I care about people.
32:42Walk faster, you fat ass.
32:45Lacey, you've never lied to me before.
32:47So if you tell me there's nothing going on with you and Sean, I won't believe you.
32:50Of course not, because that'd be against the rules.
32:52I mean, you've still got that rule right.
32:54Because if you don't have that rule, then-
32:55We still got the rule!
32:58I'm sorry about the Alcine group.
32:59Bye-bye.
33:00Hi.
33:05So, uh, what technique do you call it when you find out that I was telling the truth?
33:12Technique 14B.
33:14Where the accuser realizes that he was wrong all along and should have mind his own business.
33:21So, someone deserves a cupcake.
33:30Go away, you lying, cheating piece of crap!
33:34It's Charlie!
33:36Oh.
33:39Well then, it still applies.
33:41I hate you all.
33:44Look, I know you're upset, but I'm gonna tell you something that's gonna make you very, very angry.
33:50And then I'm gonna kill you.
33:52But wait, there's more.
33:55I'm also gonna tell you something that's gonna make you very, very happy.
33:58So why don't we just focus on the very happy and blow off the rest?
34:01What is it?
34:02Remember that stupid thing I told you about Sean?
34:03He was all, you know, cheating and everything.
34:06Well, guess what?
34:07Turns out, I goofed.
34:09And a goof doesn't sound so bad, right?
34:11So he wasn't cheating?
34:13Yeah.
34:14Actually, I found out that he was going out at night, trying to get a job at a club, and
34:17Lacey was helping.
34:19I'm sorry.
34:19I kicked him out of the house all because of you?
34:23Yes.
34:24That's the great news.
34:26Congratulations!
34:29Hi, babe.
34:30Perfect timing.
34:32Babe, why did you bring me flowers?
34:34I'm the one who was wrong.
34:35No, babe.
34:36I know how bad you felt when you thought I cheated on you, and I don't ever want you to
34:40do something like that.
34:41I should've just told you where I was in the first place.
34:45Oh, babe.
34:47I'm...
34:50Oh.
34:55All right.
34:56Well, I'm gonna, uh...
35:00Just gonna, uh...
35:04Unless, of course, you guys need anything.
35:07Nothing at all?
35:08You're both good.
35:09Awesome.
35:13Gin.
35:14I win.
35:16Seems a little unfair you won't teach us the rules.
35:22Does anybody want Ethan to eat?
35:23I'm going to the bedroom.
35:25Why do you keep food in the bedroom?
35:28Uh, why do I sleep in the kitchen?
35:29I like to mix it up.
35:35Should we be worried about Nolan?
35:36I mean, I had no idea he was living in such abject poverty with only a bird to talk to.
35:43Are you kidding me?
35:44When I was his age, I was sloshing through the jungle dodging enemy fire with nothing but a necklace of
35:50ears to talk to.
35:54Which is why this baby is my best friend.
35:56Ed, would you please put that thing back in your...
36:00...belt bag?
36:02It's called a holster, Patrick.
36:04And if you knew anything about guns, you would know that they don't go off randomly.
36:10They cannot be fired if the safety's on or if the clip is out.
36:16Here.
36:17Hold it.
36:20I will hold it this one time...
36:25...just to say that I...
36:33Oh, my God, I killed this bird!
36:38Oops.
36:41Must have been one left in the chamber.
36:43But when does that always happen?
36:46Are the robbers back?
36:47Uh, yeah, they did a drive-by.
36:50All right, we're okay, but I think your bird got winged.
36:56Oh, man.
36:59I am so sorry, Nolan.
37:00I was holding the gun and it...
37:02...just went off.
37:04I'll never forgive myself.
37:07Oh, poor little guy.
37:18There.
37:19Good as new.
37:22Honey, you can't staple a bird back to life.
37:24Sure you can.
37:25Turtle's been dead for ten years.
37:27He's my best friend.
37:29So I had him stuffed.
37:32I'm scared.
37:33I want to go home.
37:36Thank you for taking me out to dinner, Shirley.
37:39Are you kidding me?
37:41Everything I'm putting you through is the least I can do.
37:43I'm just glad she took you back.
37:44You know, the last few days, it's been great.
37:47The first night she felt bad,
37:48I had some of the most amazing makeup conversation that I've ever had.
37:54I could barely talk the next day.
37:58So you boys ready to order?
38:01Yes, I am.
38:02I think I'm gonna do the prime rib.
38:05Maybe two.
38:06I had a boyfriend eat two prime ribs once.
38:09Of course, he was getting executed the next morning.
38:13Can I have one more minute, please?
38:15I thought it was the last thing he said.
38:19How are you, Lance?
38:20Hey, Charlie.
38:21Hey, Sean. What's going on?
38:24I just wanted to buy you both a drink and apologize to you guys for accusing you of sleeping together.
38:30Thanks, but not necessary.
38:32No. No.
38:33I owe you an explanation.
38:36I overreacted because...
38:39Sean's been living with my ex-wife.
38:43Oh, really? You're living with Charlie's ex-wife?
38:46Did I not mention that while we were talking about clubs?
38:51You son of a bitch.
38:54But you guys aren't seeing each other, Lacey. Why would you be so upset?
38:57Because I've been screwing him for two weeks.
39:03Wow.
39:04This may be a little awkward, but, uh, you want to join us for dinner?
39:11Gut instinct.
39:12The flowers, the candy, you were showing up with way too much stuff for a guy who was innocent.
39:17All right.
39:20My love for Jen is so strong that I got...
39:21Not good enough.
39:23Okay. All right.
39:25This is really...
39:26This is hard for me to admit. Okay?
39:28It is.
39:29I don't believe that anybody could love me unconditionally.
39:33I'm a sex addict.
39:34Nah.
39:35My babysitter touched me.
39:37Nah.
39:39The correct answer is...
39:41I am leaving town.
39:48Come in.
39:58Okay.
40:00You're watching old movies?
40:02Eating ice cream?
40:04Drinking bourbon.
40:05And cutting on both pictures of Sean.
40:08I know already.
40:09Lacey called me to apologize.
40:12So you're doing every cliché broken-hunted-girl ritual at once?
40:16Yes, but I'm not feeling any better yet.
40:19I gotta find a way to speed this up.
40:25Bourbon float.
40:27That'd be perfect at birthday parties for alcoholic kids.
40:32Sweetie.
40:33Alcohol and ice cream are not gonna solve your problems.
40:37Holy crap, that's good.
40:41You need to...
40:41You need to get away and go somewhere.
40:43I don't have any money.
40:46Yeah.
40:46It'll be my treat.
40:48Okay.
40:49I must want to go to Italy.
40:55I was thinking more of the Doubletree in Palm Springs.
40:58I'd give you a cookie of chicken.
41:04Hey.
41:05She's back.
41:06What's with leaving the front door open?
41:08What is a door, anyway?
41:10My heart's open.
41:11My mind's open.
41:12My door's open.
41:14It's all the same thing.
41:15Know what I mean?
41:16No.
41:16No one does.
41:19I just feel so enlightened after the weekend in the desert.
41:23Thank you for sending me away.
41:24So I take it you had a good time in Palm Springs?
41:27Hmm.
41:27That kinda sucked, but I met these super cool people,
41:30so I jumped in their van and spent the weekend at Burning Man.
41:34Well, at least you came back with a cool story.
41:36Oh, I came back with more than that.
41:38Hey, beautiful.
41:39I made some kind vegan grilled cheese sandwiches.
41:44Blessings, friend.
41:48Hugs are free.
41:50So are not hugs.
41:52This is my ex-husband Charlie.
41:54Charlie, this is Canvas.
41:56Canvas?
41:57I'm open to interpretation.
41:59Yeah, I get it. I know what a Canvas is.
42:02Such a playful spirit he has.
42:05I made some superfood goji berry lemonade.
42:08I'm gonna go get it.
42:08Okay.
42:12What is that?
42:15I'll tell you what that is.
42:17That's sweet.
42:18That's considerate.
42:20That's honest.
42:22Yeah, but don't you think it's maybe a little bit...
42:24Young, hot, and stupid?
42:25Yeah, and I'm okay with that.
42:27In fact, I'm looking forward to it.
42:29Two, maybe three times a day.
42:32Well, as a person who's been guilty of young, hot, and stupid,
42:36have fun.
42:42Huh!
42:43I'm really excited.
42:45...
42:46...
42:48...
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