- 22 hours ago
Charlie Helps Lacey Stay Rich
Lacey's parents cut her off, so Charlie agrees to help her out by talking to her parents at dinner. After Charlie says how mature and responsible Lacey has gotten, her parents decide it's time for her to move to India for an arranged marriage. In an effort to prevent this from happening, Charlie says that Lacey is already in a serious relationship. Patrick agrees to pretend to be Lacey's boyfriend for a night. At dinner, Lacey's parents give their blessing and promise that if Lacey and Patrick were to marry, they would give them one million dollars as a gift. Patrick is struggling with money issues and immediately proposes to Lacey, who accepts just as quickly. Meanwhile, Sam keeps hitting animals with the car, and Ed and Martin become temporarily famous when a video of them goes viral.
Lacey's parents cut her off, so Charlie agrees to help her out by talking to her parents at dinner. After Charlie says how mature and responsible Lacey has gotten, her parents decide it's time for her to move to India for an arranged marriage. In an effort to prevent this from happening, Charlie says that Lacey is already in a serious relationship. Patrick agrees to pretend to be Lacey's boyfriend for a night. At dinner, Lacey's parents give their blessing and promise that if Lacey and Patrick were to marry, they would give them one million dollars as a gift. Patrick is struggling with money issues and immediately proposes to Lacey, who accepts just as quickly. Meanwhile, Sam keeps hitting animals with the car, and Ed and Martin become temporarily famous when a video of them goes viral.
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Patrick, what's going on with you? You seem stressed out.
00:04Why should I be? I paid for my classes and my books and my Adderall, and now I'm broke.
00:08I'm afraid I'm going to lose my apartment.
00:10You shoot up your Adderall. That way you won't need a place to sleep.
00:15Sometimes I wonder if I was born under a bad sign when I was nine years old.
00:19My life is over!
00:21Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's wrong, Lacey?
00:22Sure, give Lacey the stage. Who cares what happened to me when I was nine years old?
00:26Shut up, Patrick. We've all heard it. You got strep throat, you lost the lead in the school play,
00:29and your understudy, Ryan Gosling, went on to glory.
00:32I'm sure he's not still upset about that.
00:34It could have been me.
00:36I'm sure that's about something else.
00:37I don't care. My parents cut me off.
00:40You mean in an ox cart?
00:45They're Indian.
00:47Ad, I've never done this before, but I'm going to put you in a racist timeout.
00:52What do I do? Just sit here and do nothing?
00:54In other words, a Mexican work day?
00:58Of course, that works for any of your darker skinned people.
01:02The chair recognizes the child as tantrum.
01:06I just got fired, and now my parents think I'm a screw-up and cut off my trust fund.
01:11You got fired?
01:12I thought you were doing so well.
01:13This doctor on my sales route wouldn't stop trying to grope me.
01:17I understand.
01:18Continue.
01:20So I did what you always say, Charlie.
01:23I removed myself from the situation and left the building.
01:26So don't mind, but they fire you. You did the right thing.
01:28Maybe because when he came out, I hit him in the neck with a brick.
01:33I know. How proud are you of me?
01:35I counted to ten and everything.
01:38The counting to ten is not supposed to be a countdown to hitting a guy with a brick.
01:43I've got to start writing this stuff down. You keep changing it.
01:48You can't pay your rent without your trust fund, but you're welcome to crash at Che Nolan.
01:53One bed, no waiting.
01:55My neighbor's still in jail, so it's super quiet.
02:00Charlie, you've got to talk to my parents.
02:02They're coming over to dinner tomorrow night.
02:04You have to tell them that this wasn't totally my fault and I'm doing better.
02:08So they'll keep giving me money, please.
02:10I know, Lace. It sounds like it's between you and your parents.
02:13If you do go, be sure and eat beforehand.
02:16These dot heads don't know the difference between food...
02:19Two more minutes, Ed.
02:20...and dirt.
02:21Sorry.
02:23Sorry.
02:28You did not run over a squirrel.
02:30Yes, I did. I killed a squirrel.
02:32Dad, will you please go out there and see if there's a dead squirrel?
02:35Sweeney, this is clearly about your OCD and I don't want to reinforce the ritual.
02:40You probably just hit a pothole. They're everywhere.
02:43Tons of potholes.
02:45Maybe you're right.
02:46Maybe I'm just nervous because I'm learning to drive.
02:49It was probably just a pothole.
02:52That was no pothole, Charlie.
02:55So she hit a squirrel?
02:56Hit it? She flattened the thing.
02:58It was like something out of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.
03:02Let me stay with the pothole story until the day we die.
03:06It now joins We Didn't Have Sex Till We Were 18
03:09and Sam was not an accident.
03:13You really gonna have dinner with Lacey's parents just to prove she's getting better?
03:17Yes, Michael. Because I care.
03:20Wish I cared that much about my clients.
03:22After I sell them the house and my check clears, I'm done caring.
03:25Like I always say, let the buyer beware.
03:29Yeah, of you.
03:32Hey, you guys, quick, turn on the TV. Channel 6.
03:35What's going on?
03:36We just had the best day.
03:37Yeah, we were at the zoo standing in front of the monkey pit.
03:40Monkey house.
03:41Whatever.
03:41And we saw this six-year-old girl fall in with all those monkeys.
03:47This was your best day?
03:49Man, the war really changed you guys, didn't it?
03:52No, no, that wasn't the best part.
03:54The kid was fine.
03:55But you'll never guess who's gonna be on the news.
03:57The monkeys?
03:58Us.
03:59You were close.
04:00Hey, look, there we are.
04:03Well, we came to the zoo because it's half-price senior day.
04:06And we were standing in front of the monkey pit.
04:08Monkey house.
04:09Whatever.
04:10Well, all of a sudden, this one yells out,
04:12Hey, look at that monkey's wearing clothes.
04:14I said, that ain't no monkey, that's a kid.
04:16Well, I'm a veteran, so I jumped into action right away.
04:19I grabbed my peanuts and started throwing them at the monkeys as a diversion.
04:23Yeah, and while he was doing that, I went and got some more ammo from the churro cart.
04:26Bottom line, we kept the monkeys busy.
04:29Security got the kid out.
04:30I ain't never seen anything like it.
04:38This man's a hero.
04:39Oh, hell, we're both heroes.
04:41That's why they call us the greatest generation.
04:43I think that's the generation before you.
04:46Well, they're all dead, so we get to move up one.
04:51Therapy is a process, but I am impressed with your daughter's improvement.
04:54Well, now you can imagine what we've been through.
04:57Pardon my language, but this spoiled little bitch has been impossible to deal with.
05:01I'm sorry, isn't that a little harsh?
05:03You're right.
05:04The spoiled little bitch is challenging to deal with.
05:08Impossible is a demeaning word.
05:11Mater, pater, I made it just the way you like it.
05:21And for dinner, I made your favorite chicken.
05:25Of course you have.
05:26I threatened to take away your trust fund, and now you're trying to butter me up.
05:30So, how am I doing?
05:34Well, at least you're dressing more like a respectable girl.
05:37Can you honestly tell me as her therapist that this is how she dresses every day?
05:43Well, Lacey has many outfits.
05:45I think she's wearing about four of them right now.
05:48Whoever has a therapist, I can tell you for a fact that Lacey has developed a much healthier self-image.
05:53I'm wearing panties now.
05:57You see?
05:58There you go.
05:59I'm getting there.
06:00It wasn't easy.
06:02But Lacey is stronger, more mature, and more responsible than ever before.
06:07I see.
06:08And do you believe that she can sustain a long-term relationship with a man?
06:11Well, absolutely.
06:13I think Lacey has all the tools she needs to be in a healthy, loving relationship.
06:17She's ready.
06:18Cool.
06:19I'm ready.
06:20What am I ready for?
06:22Next month, you'll move to India and get married.
06:26India?
06:27Married?
06:30I know you're going through a lot right now, but I think the chick is ready.
06:37If I can interject, I think an arranged marriage for Lacey is a very bad idea.
06:42We've had an understanding for years with the Kumar family that she will marry their son, Mahesh.
06:48Mahesh?
06:48Mahesh?
06:49The ton of flesh?
06:51I haven't seen him since he was 12.
06:53How fat is he now?
06:54You can't be so choosy.
06:56You grew up so shamefully, we nearly had to cancel it.
06:59And be happy.
07:00He's a very successful businessman in Mumbai.
07:03And his mother says he'll get the lap down.
07:05Ew!
07:07So my option is to either live here broke, or marry a fat, rich man and live in a place
07:13that I hate?
07:14See?
07:15We're enlightened parents.
07:16We're giving you choices.
07:18I can't marry Mahesh.
07:21Why not?
07:22Because you start an inner serious relationship.
07:24You are?
07:26Uh, yeah, totally.
07:29And why didn't you tell us?
07:32Because, you know the Indian tradition when you tell your parents about a new relationship,
07:37you're supposed to shower them with extravagant gifts first, which now you're not gonna get
07:41because Charlie blew it.
07:43Thanks a lot, Charlie.
07:45Now you might as well just tell them the whole thing.
07:50Well, first of all, pardon my cultural ignorance.
07:55Not necessary.
07:56There is no such tradition.
07:59Why don't you, her esteemed mentor, who is teaching her right from wrong, tell us the truth?
08:05Okay.
08:05That he's white.
08:07Yes.
08:08Yes.
08:09Yes.
08:10He's white.
08:11Like snow.
08:13Handsome, professional, not too old, not too young, and just the right height.
08:19How do you know?
08:20Have you met him?
08:20Met him?
08:21He's the one who introduced us.
08:23Thank you, Charlie.
08:24You're welcome.
08:26So, how long has she been seeing this boy?
08:29Five weeks.
08:31Six months and five weeks, which some people call seven months and a week.
08:37Seven months?
08:38You've never been in a relationship for seven months before.
08:42Well, I do love him so, and he's such a handsome and professional man, and just the right height.
08:53And for a white guy, so industrious.
08:56Then we will meet with him.
08:58Oh, no, no, you can't meet with him, because according to Indian tradition, you just...
09:03Tomorrow.
09:03And if we don't approve, you will marry that giant Kumar boy.
09:13Hey, Brett.
09:14Brett.
09:14Hey, you guys.
09:15Look who's here, everybody.
09:18Everybody.
09:26Guess they saw the news, huh?
09:28No, your video went viral.
09:30Video?
09:31What video?
09:32You're on YouTube.
09:33You were famous.
09:35What?
09:36We came to the zoo.
09:38We were standing in front of the monkey bed.
09:40Hey, look.
09:41That monkey's wearing clothes.
09:43Hey.
09:44There ain't no monkey.
09:46There ain't no monkey.
09:47That's a kid.
09:48I grabbed my peanuts and started throwing them at the monkeys.
09:51Throwing them at the monkeys.
09:52Out of line.
09:53Out of line.
09:54Out of line.
09:56I like monkeys.
09:57I like monkeys.
09:59I like monkeys.
10:01I like monkeys.
10:03I like monkeys.
10:03I like monkeys.
10:07He wants to buy these guys a couple of steaks.
10:10Oh, yeah.
10:12Hey, we can make this work for us.
10:14Uh, bring us a couple of New York strips.
10:18Filet mignon.
10:19New York strip.
10:20Filet mignon.
10:21New York strip.
10:22Let's save it for the sequel.
10:26You didn't hit a squirrel.
10:28It was a pothole, just like last time.
10:30It wasn't a pothole.
10:31It was a squirrel.
10:32I heard the thump.
10:34Where are you guys driving?
10:35Snow White's backyard?
10:37Just for argument's sake.
10:39Say you did hit a squirrel last week.
10:41What are the odds that that would happen again?
10:44Yeah.
10:45I know.
10:47I'm just being stupid.
10:51She mowed down another one.
10:54She's like James Bond, except with a learner's permit to kill.
10:58It wasn't totally your fault.
11:00The thing ran right out in front of us.
11:02I think it smelled its wife on my tires.
11:06I've got nothing, Charlie.
11:07I can't find one guy.
11:09Are you telling me you don't know anybody that can have dinner with your parents
11:12to pretend to be your boyfriend for one night?
11:14I've only dated like five white guys, and two of them were light-skinned Mexicans.
11:18What about the other three?
11:20Jailed, shot him in the balls, light-skinned black dude.
11:25So the line of white guy moves around for you a little bit, huh?
11:29Well, what are you going to do?
11:30What's your plan?
11:32My plan?
11:33My plan is to spritz a little water on these muffins, take them to the next room, and pass
11:39them off as fresh.
11:42That's my plan.
11:44What's your plan?
11:46My plan was to ask you your plan.
11:48That was my plan.
11:50Lacey, as your therapist, I'm already breaking rules left and right.
11:53I never should have had dinner with your family.
11:55I never should have lied to cover your butt.
11:57And now, now I'm trying to pass off stale muffins as fresh.
12:01What have I become?
12:04Well, this is jacked up.
12:05I went along with your lie, and now I'm screwed.
12:08If my parents show up at my house and I don't have a boyfriend, then I'm a liar.
12:12This is all your fault.
12:14I'm actually just telling the truth.
12:15If I can tell them the truth, then I'm going to lose my trust fund allowance.
12:19Well, hey, at least you'll have to move to India.
12:21And maybe it's not the worst plan in the world to start behaving like a responsible adult.
12:25I can't live without shoes.
12:28Are you talking about losing your trust fund or living in India?
12:32What about Nolan?
12:35Nolan can never pull this off.
12:37It's not fair to ask him to be your fiancée for one night and then go back to being your
12:41emotional doormat.
12:43I'll do it.
12:45You don't even know what we're talking about.
12:47If that stopped, you'd never do anything.
12:51Oh, that was my last idea.
12:52What the hell are we going to do?
12:55Every time I go out with friends, the waiter always brings me the check.
12:59Why does everyone think I'm rich?
13:01Is it my style?
13:03My obvious intelligence?
13:04The clever way I complain about people thinking I'm rich when you know I love it?
13:14Patrick, can you pray for dinner tonight?
13:17Sure.
13:19Even though this seems like a trap.
13:21But if you expect me to pay, you should know everything I'm wearing belongs to an old boyfriend.
13:26That's right.
13:27I'm gay.
13:32So, you want me to sit through this dysfunctional family dinner, lie to Lacey's scary father, and then pretend to
13:42be in love with her?
13:43It would be a big help to Lacey.
13:45That's the part I don't like.
13:48Please, Patrick, if you don't do this, I'll be shipped off to India.
13:52You're not helping your case.
13:55Patrick, buddy.
13:58Buddy?
13:59Sorry, I was trying something.
14:03Look, if you're not willing to pretend to be something you're not to help someone you don't even really care
14:07about, then what's the point of therapy?
14:10Okay, this whole thing is insane.
14:12Why is everyone scrambling to help the girl with the trust fund?
14:15I am the one who needs help.
14:17I can't even pay my rent.
14:18I am not rich.
14:19I just dress this way.
14:23I'll give you $1,000 if you do it.
14:25$2,000.
14:26Creedy bastard.
14:27You're really going to enjoy riding elephants?
14:29Fine, bitch.
14:30Hope you choke on it.
14:32I cannot tell you two how proud I am.
14:35Because honestly, I thought it was going to take, like, five grand.
14:42Hey, hey, hey, everybody, we're back.
14:44The monkey pit guys from the World Wide Web.
14:50Anybody want to buy us a steak?
14:52Or a drink?
14:58Sorry, guys.
14:59I guess your few hours of Internet celebrity have passed.
15:03Everybody's moved on.
15:04They're watching a new video.
15:06It's a fat kid getting pushed down an escalator.
15:09Ah, it doesn't matter.
15:11We're going to be rich.
15:12How do you figure?
15:13Our video got four million views.
15:16So even if they only paid us a dollar per view,
15:19as soon as we get our check from the Internet,
15:21we'll have enough dough to buy this whole joint.
15:24That's how it works?
15:24Of course it does.
15:26You don't think they show that stuff for free.
15:28Oh, boy.
15:30Everybody, the steaks are on us.
15:36So, Daddy, Patrick and I actually met in Charlie's therapy group.
15:40Oh, you don't say.
15:42So, who did you shoot in the balls?
15:45It's not a strictly ball shooting group.
15:48Although it does improve your chances of getting in.
15:53My man.
15:59Actually, Patrick's problems stem from issues he has
16:03as a professional, successful man with many female pursuers.
16:06Not anymore.
16:09So, Patrick, tell me.
16:11What is it that you find so attractive about my daughter?
16:14Oh, so many things.
16:18She's glamorous, she accessorizes well,
16:20and she can go day to night like nobody's business.
16:24And he loves that she enjoys sports just as much as he does.
16:29Baseball, basketball, football.
16:30Guy loves anything with balls.
16:34Damn hockey.
16:37So what part of the fashion business are you in, Patrick?
16:40Design.
16:41Someday I hope to have my very own line of women's clothing.
16:45Patrick says I'm his muse.
16:47Yes.
16:48When I look at her, I think,
16:50how can I cover this up?
16:54Well, good luck with that.
16:56I've been fighting a losing battle ever since she was 15.
17:07I like you, Patrick.
17:09I can see why Lacey is so fond of you.
17:12I really am.
17:14So very, very fond.
17:15well I'd like to propose a toast for many years Lacey has given me nothing but heartache she was
17:26stubborn she was rude she was disrespectful she dressed like a prostitute she bit our mailman in
17:33the leg now I see her blossoming into a wonderful wife and mother in fact I would like to give
17:46this
17:46relationship my blessing Lacey Patrick if you do get married on the day of your wedding as an
17:54expression of my faith in your union I will give you one million dollars Lacey I know this is sudden
18:08thank you Charlie I'm shocked to see that my daughter is finally getting married I just
18:23think I'm surprised this family's gonna be bye mommy bye daddy thank you thanks mom
18:40are you too crazy yeah crazy in love imagine what we can do with all that money I know baby
18:51will buy a silver BMW with black leather seats and a sunroof it's not a convertible you know I want
18:58a
18:58convertible why does it always have to be what you want oh my god we already sound like a married
19:05couple
19:08you guys can't do this Patrick you're not marrying Lacey so typical the straight middle-aged white
19:15guy telling the gay man he can't get married it's not about being gay this is about tricking her parents
19:22Charlie you started this yeah but you took my shameless lie and turned into something ugly
19:29Charlie be cool and don't get in the way how would you like a Chevy Malibu you think you can
19:40make all
19:40this okay by buying me a Chevy Malibu no I'm giving you my old one I'm getting a BMW and
19:46so is my wife
19:57mom you forgot something I just want to talk to Charlie really quickly Sanjay and I want to do
20:03something special for the matchmaker so go scut scut I can't put my finger on it but something about
20:17this whole arrangement doesn't add up yeah I think this is one of those times where you just can't
20:23worry about the traffic you just gotta close your eyes and cross the street anything goes wrong I'm
20:30holding you responsible I will call my friends at the American Psychological Association and you'll
20:35be lucky if you get a job cleaning bed bands at a mental institution hey I cannot control what
20:40happens between two young people institution institution that's winning bird
21:02bus pass I'm already on it I think there's a dead bird on the grill of your already on it
Comments