- 1 hour ago
Charlie and The Break ~ Up Coach
When Jen gives Patrick some good advice following a break-up and the two start hanging together, she announces to Charlie that she's found her calling and is starting a career as a "life coach". Meanwhile, Lacey tries to introduce Martin to 21st century dating, and helps him set up a Facebook page.
When Jen gives Patrick some good advice following a break-up and the two start hanging together, she announces to Charlie that she's found her calling and is starting a career as a "life coach". Meanwhile, Lacey tries to introduce Martin to 21st century dating, and helps him set up a Facebook page.
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TVTranscript
00:00I devoted myself to Mark for eight months, and he broke up with me in a text message.
00:05I think what I did is a reasonable response.
00:08Well, I agree that writing him that letter expressing your pain was therapeutic.
00:12What I'm not so sure about is wanting to light his hair on fire and put it out with a
00:18hammer.
00:20This really hurts.
00:22I've never had to deal with these emotions before.
00:24This is my first time being the dumpy and not the dumper.
00:27I've heard that the first time always hurts for the dumper.
00:33Okay, Ed, there's definitely another dollar in the jar.
00:35No, it's okay. I don't care because he's going to be dead soon.
00:39Now I'm fit as a fiddle. Doc says my stage four homophobia is keeping me young.
00:47Ed, this is not the time. The time was like 1952.
00:52Oh, and here's his huge reason for breaking up with me.
00:55He said he wanted to have a fun summer.
00:58Oh, my God, that's awful. I'm totally going to use that.
01:02When I'm alone, all I think about is parking outside of his house or showing up at his job and
01:08screaming at him.
01:09Patrick, fixing in on those kinds of thoughts is unhealthy, and I think that it's important not to spend this
01:13really critical time alone.
01:14I have no one.
01:15When Mark left me, he took all of our friends, that heartless bastard.
01:20All of them?
01:21Mark was a very likable guy.
01:23You don't have to be alone. There's people right here in this room that would spend time with you, right,
01:26guys?
01:27Well, I would, but I want to have a fun summer, too.
01:32I'd be happy to hang out with you, Patrick.
01:34Well, there you go. Thank you, Lacey.
01:35Yeah, maybe we could chill at your house and watch a movie.
01:39Oh, and you could invite that jewelry designer, you know.
01:42Why would I invite him?
01:43So he could fall in love with me and give me a necklace.
01:47Lacey, have you ever done something nice for someone without expecting something in return?
01:51Of course I have. I always do nice things for other people.
01:54Like one time, I told a blind woman she needed a nose job.
01:58How else would she know?
02:01Yeah, I'm not sure that counts, Lacey. Actually, I'm positive that doesn't count.
02:06Okay, everybody, time's up. See you next session.
02:13Hey, Lacey. Let's see if you can do one truly selfless thing for someone else.
02:18Okay, Charlie. I'll do that. Just for you.
02:22That doesn't count.
02:23Damn.
02:27Hey, Jen.
02:28Hey, Charlie. I got a big favor to ask.
02:31I'm thinking about starting a new business, and I need $10,000.
02:35$10,000?
02:36Okay, it's just $1,000. You see what I did there? That's a sales trick that I learned at a
02:40seminar that you paid $1,000 for.
02:44Just so you know, that smile stopped working on me $1,000 ago.
02:48This is a huge opportunity.
02:50Do you remember that plus-size edible underwear company I tried to start a couple years ago?
02:55Yeah, why did you think that would work?
02:57Because fat people like to have sex, too, and they really, really like candy.
03:06Anyway, I had a bunch of unsold merchandise in the garage, and it's been overrun by ants.
03:11So you need the money for an exterminator?
03:12Are you kidding? The company that makes the ant farms is looking for ants. Those ants are crawling gold.
03:19You know what? You are a public service ad for college.
03:23I didn't go to college because I was supporting you, so I never found out what I'm good at.
03:27I hear you, Jim, but I'm not so sure that ants are the answer.
03:31I don't agree. I think it'd be great.
03:33Okay, well, we can talk about it. Is that an ant?
03:34Son of a bitch! I hate him!
03:36Oh!
03:40Charlie, you've got to help me find something.
03:44Patrick?
03:45What are you still doing here?
03:47Oh, I'm just thinking about what it's going to be like to be alone.
03:50Today.
03:51Tonight.
03:53Tomorrow day.
03:54Tomorrow night.
03:57The next day.
03:59And the next night.
04:01Okay, I see where this is going.
04:03Look, I would love to let you hang out, but my dad's coming for dinner tonight.
04:09I've canceled on him 12 times in the last two weeks.
04:11If I do it again, he's going to sense that something's up.
04:15Is there anything else I can do for you?
04:19Bad breakup?
04:21The worst.
04:22Well, you know what helps me?
04:24Knowing that someday, when he's lying in a gutter, crying and alone, starving and somehow fat,
04:31he'll realize you were the best thing that ever happened to him.
04:35You know, Patrick, you guys should hang out.
04:38Jen's been through some terrible breakups.
04:40I remember this one with this incredibly handsome gentleman.
04:43It's true, Patrick.
04:44Charlie used to be handsome.
04:57So, hey.
04:58I think I got a way to trick your stepmother into taking me back.
05:02So, I guess you weren't enjoying that awkward silence as much as I was.
05:05No, no.
05:06Now, listen to me.
05:07Here's what I'm thinking, see.
05:09She won't talk to me, so you'll call her and say how you're really worried about me.
05:13I haven't stopped crying since I read about some orphanage in Darfur.
05:18Anyway, you'll plead with her to come out here and take care of me or take me back to Cincinnati.
05:22Now, wait.
05:23Forget Darfur, because she may have an opinion about that.
05:26Just say Africa, okay?
05:27What do you say?
05:28Uh-uh.
05:29No way.
05:29I'm not lying to Corinne for you.
05:30Oh, come on, Charlie.
05:32Don't you think some good should come out of that tragedy?
05:37Hey.
05:38Hey.
05:39Hey, Lacey.
05:39Come on in.
05:40Got your phone right here.
05:41By the way, somebody named Satan called for me like 20 times.
05:45My mother is so codependent.
05:49Lacey, have you ever tricked somebody into getting back together with you before?
05:54Um, have I ever not?
05:56Don't get her involved, then.
05:58No, I just want her opinion.
05:59Easiest way to get somebody to take you back is to pretend you're pregnant.
06:03I would do that, except I think I've already gone through the change.
06:09You know what else works?
06:10Put some pictures of you and a hot woman having a great time on your Facebook page.
06:15I don't have a Facebook page or a hot woman.
06:18Well, today's your lucky day, old man Charlie.
06:22I'm going to help you set up a Facebook account, because I actually like helping people,
06:27because despite what some people think, middle-aged Charlie,
06:32I am totally selfless, and I'm going to be that hot woman he gets to pose with.
06:36I'm going to do this, and this.
06:45You really think this will work?
06:47Oh, yeah.
06:48Women hate me.
06:52I thought you'd like to know I'm not wearing any underwear.
06:57Neither am I.
07:00You know, not a sexy coming from a guy.
07:04I wasn't trying to be sexy.
07:05My washing machine broke.
07:09Oh, hey, guys.
07:10Hey.
07:11I have to thank you, Charlie.
07:13Jen is the best.
07:15We spent all afternoon in her garage killing ants.
07:17It was so therapeutic.
07:19She told me to think of every little ant as my ex.
07:23It's hard to throttle an ant's neck, but he did it.
07:27Excuse me.
07:27I'm just going to skip to the loo, my darling.
07:31Jen, I really appreciate what you're doing with Patrick.
07:33And just so we're on the same page, I'm trying to downplay his revenge.
07:37I'm not sure the best thing right now is a teeny tiny killing spree.
07:41Well, don't worry.
07:42He's feeling great.
07:44And by the way, so am I.
07:45I finally found it.
07:47This is what I was meant to do.
07:49Help people by being positive and optimistic.
07:52Thanks, Charlie.
07:53So you suggested she help Patrick.
07:56No, I just thought you should keep him company.
07:59Yeah, and guess what it led to?
08:00I'm going to be a life coach.
08:02It's like being a therapist, except it only requires six afternoons at the Y.
08:07Jen, you do know that I didn't ask you to coach or give Patrick any advice.
08:11Oh, I'm just being positive and optimistic.
08:13Don't get your panties in a bunch.
08:16No danger of that.
08:22I won't do this on a bare mattress, Charlie.
08:24I feel like I'm in prison.
08:26I told you, the guy from Sears is coming to fix the washing machine tomorrow.
08:30Come on, it'll be fun.
08:32Like we're in the back of a van.
08:34Don't you have another set of sheets?
08:36Yeah, but your stilettos ripped him to shreds.
08:37It was like I had sex with Wolverine.
08:40Okay, then, here's another dodge.
08:42Did Patrick ever show up for group today?
08:44No, no, he didn't make it.
08:45Why, should I be worried?
08:46About Jen's influence on Patrick?
08:49Probably.
08:50I know, I know.
08:51A life coach.
08:51That's for people who don't want to undergo the rigorous training to become a tarot card reader.
08:56You do realize she's going to undermine everything you're doing with Patrick and group.
09:01But she's been so down on herself, and now she finally feels like she's doing something with her life.
09:05I don't know what to do.
09:07Here's one idea.
09:07Let's get out of this crackdown and do it someplace sexier, like the kitchen or the floor of the garage.
09:13Praise you.
09:16Just so everyone knows, I helped Charlie's father set up his Facebook profile yesterday and didn't ask for anything in
09:23return.
09:24I even drank a vodka insure with him.
09:28That's how selfless I am.
09:31Vodka insure.
09:33I'll have to try that.
09:34I've had Jen and Pedialyte.
09:36I slept like a drunk baby.
09:40Martin's on Facebook?
09:42Looks like somebody here is about to have friends in the double digits.
09:46Well, good for you, Lacey.
09:48And Nolan.
09:51Hey, Charlie, your dad's page is pretty cool.
09:54He likes Frank Sinatra, the early bird special of Red Lobster.
09:59Oh, look at this.
10:01He thinks Marissa is a flat, skanky hoe with a big fat ass.
10:07He also told Lakeisha if he sees her at Juicy Couture again, he's going to rip that low-rent weave
10:13right off her head.
10:16He's so hip.
10:20Lacey, is this the way you helped my father, so you could set up an account and secretly cyber-bully
10:24Marissa and Lakeisha?
10:28Yeah, I just figured I'd reconnect with a few of my best friends, who blocked me.
10:35Lacey, I want you to go back to my father, apologize for using him, and then take down his account.
10:41Oh, man.
10:43Now I'm back to nine.
10:46Sorry, I'm a few minutes late, everybody.
10:48No, I'm just glad you're here. I was afraid you're going to miss another session.
10:50Sorry, I was having a romantic lunch with my new potential boyfriend.
10:54He's on a 24-hour pass from rehab, so it was just, like, on the town.
10:59Wait a minute, you're dating already? It's only been a week since Mark broke up with you.
11:02Well, according to your ex-wife, the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody.
11:08That is so clever.
11:10Yeah, for a T-shirt, it's right after with, I'm not as thinky as you drunk I am.
11:17Look, the end of a relationship is a lot like a death.
11:19There's a mourning process.
11:21You haven't even begun to examine the issues that contributed to the end of your last relationship.
11:29What?
11:30That T-shirt thing. I just got it.
11:33Where do I get one of them?
11:40Oh, hey, Charlie.
11:42I thought you weren't going to give him any advice.
11:43Now he's with another guy.
11:45I didn't give him advice.
11:46I just told him the best way to get over Mark is to find someone new.
11:50That's advice.
11:52Well, it always worked for me.
11:54Worked for you?
11:55Look at you, you're a...
11:56Is Sam here?
11:57No.
11:57You're a mess!
11:59I don't want you spending any more free time with Patrick.
12:01It's not free time, it's my job.
12:05What job?
12:06Patrick felt he was monopolizing my time, so he's paying me to be his life coach.
12:10Oh, here are my new cards.
12:12Could you pass them out a group?
12:30Lacey, what are you doing here?
12:32I just wanted to talk to you for a minute.
12:33Oh, come in, come in.
12:36Uh, look, uh, I'm going to leave the door open, okay?
12:40And no offense, but if my neighbors saw you coming in here dressed like that, they might
12:44think you're a horribly attractive young lady.
12:48Oh, my God.
12:49Between you and my mom and the cops.
12:54Look, I need to talk to you about your Facebook page.
12:57I was using it to hate on a couple of my old friends.
13:00I'm really sorry.
13:01Well, at least somebody got some use out of it, because this Facebook thing isn't working
13:06for me.
13:07Why not?
13:08Look, it was a dumb idea.
13:10When Corinne left me, I felt so desperate and rejected.
13:16Probably like Nolan feels every time I refuse his friend request.
13:21Well, you've got to have standards.
13:24Anyway, you know, without Corinne in my life, I just don't know what's going to happen to
13:29me.
13:29I go to bed alone.
13:30I get up alone.
13:32Oh, my God.
13:32I've never done that.
13:35Sometimes I'll go a whole day without talking to another human being.
13:39You know, no one ever tells you how long you're going to be old.
13:43You're freaking me out.
13:45No one's going to want me when I'm old.
13:47High maintenance and saggy boobs are a bad combo.
13:51Oh, Jesus.
13:51I'm sorry.
13:52I didn't mean to upset you.
13:53Listen, um, you came over here to help me learn some new stuff, and just because it didn't
13:59have a happy ending doesn't mean I shouldn't pay you for your time.
14:04I can't.
14:05Your son wanted me to do it for free.
14:09Probably gave you a virus anyways.
14:13What's it matter?
14:14My equipment is so old, I'll probably never use it again anyway.
14:20What are you all looking at?
14:22I'm not a whore.
14:25But we did do it.
14:27Right, stud?
14:37Hey, Charlie.
14:39Oh, good.
14:39You're here early.
14:41Listen, I want to talk to you about Jen being your life coach.
14:44I'm concerned our advice may conflict because I'm a licensed therapist and she's a licensed
14:49driver.
14:51Look, I know you're not happy about it, but you're going to get past it.
14:54And it's just like Jen says, when life gives you lemons, you make something with lemons in
14:59it.
15:00It's not even the same.
15:03Hey, everyone.
15:04Hey, Jen.
15:05Hold on.
15:06I'm sorry, but you can't be here.
15:07I'm about to start a session.
15:08I know.
15:08That's why I'm here.
15:09Hey, Patrick.
15:10How are we feeling today?
15:12We're good.
15:13Good.
15:14I don't know how we're feeling.
15:15We're confused.
15:18The hell's going on?
15:19Oh, I'm sorry.
15:19I should have asked you guys this before.
15:21I have invited my life coach here.
15:23Hope that's all right.
15:24Fine by me?
15:25Bring it.
15:26I suppose it's all right as long as she doesn't judge me if I say something off-colored.
15:31It's off-color.
15:32Even your mispronunciations are racist.
15:35Okay, fine, Jen.
15:36You can stay, but if you say anything, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
15:40Okay.
15:41Sorry.
15:41I mean...
15:44So, Patrick, I thought we would begin today by talking about your recent breakup with Mark.
15:49Have you thought about how it might have triggered some abandonment issues?
16:03No, I haven't.
16:05Okay.
16:06Do you think you can answer my questions without the advice of counsel?
16:13Your 80 does kind of look like that, doesn't it?
16:17Okay, that's it.
16:18Jen, you have to leave.
16:19Or if she goes, I go.
16:21Then you both have to go.
16:24Goodbye, Charlie.
16:26Jen.
16:30I never would have guessed he'd have left us for a woman.
16:34Frank.
16:35Anybody want to talk about what they're feeling right now?
16:37I'm feeling a little confused.
16:40Why won't your dad be my friend on Facebook?
16:47For you.
16:51What's that?
16:52Just a little something to take your mind off this whole Patrick mess.
16:55I know your washing machine is fixed, but in case it ever happens again, I just wanted
16:59to get you a pair of backup underwear.
17:02This one is called Hold the Mustard.
17:10You went out and bought that?
17:11No.
17:12They're my great-grandfather's.
17:15Yeah, well, the joke's on you, because what my great-grandfather gave me won't fit in
17:18that bun.
17:22Charlie.
17:23I'm sorry to interrupt.
17:24I really need you.
17:25What could you possibly need me for?
17:27You know everything.
17:28Well, I thought Patrick was over the breakup, but when Mark called him and said he was going
17:32to pick up the rest of his stuff, Patrick lost it.
17:34Well, that's because he's been in denial.
17:36Getting that phone call made him realize that the relationship was officially over.
17:39Oh, man.
17:40I should have told him that.
17:41Well, what did you tell him?
17:42To have a glass of wine and burn a picture of Mark as a cleansing ritual.
17:47I guess a glass turned into a bottle and a picture turned into all of Mark's stuff.
17:51Just as I can't.
17:53We got to get there before he burns all of Mark's stuff.
17:55We have a couple of minutes.
17:56It's going to take him a while to drag out the piano.
18:01Patrick, no, no, no.
18:02Wait, wait, wait.
18:02Don't do this.
18:02Don't do this.
18:03No.
18:04Jennifer's right.
18:04I will never feel better until I get even.
18:07That's not what she said.
18:08That's not what you said, right?
18:09Sort of what I said.
18:10See, it's only sort of what she said.
18:13This is making me feel better.
18:17Hey.
18:18What are you doing?
18:19Nothing.
18:19Nothing to see here.
18:20Just burning some of my ex-boyfriend's stuff.
18:24Relationships are tough.
18:25When you open your heart to joy, you risk pain.
18:28But you got to keep loving.
18:30You got to keep hurting.
18:33It's really wise.
18:35Who are you?
18:36You don't recognize me.
18:38I'm Lester from upstairs.
18:40See you guys.
18:46Patrick, go ahead and light it.
18:48And sure, there'll be a big blaze and you'll get a ton of attention and everybody will know
18:51how bad you're hurting.
18:52Yay!
18:55But, when the smoke clears, all you'll have is a pile of ashes and a lawsuit.
18:59And you'll still be stuck with you.
19:01Same problem, same pain.
19:04And the only way that'll change is if you keep working to make it better.
19:07And I'm here to help you through that.
19:10What do you think I should do, Jen?
19:11I think you should listen to Charlie.
19:13He knows what he's doing.
19:15Say it louder.
19:16No, I heard her.
19:17Not for you, for me.
19:20I get it.
19:22You know, Charlie, there is one little thing you could do for me.
19:26That's why I'm here.
19:28Could grab one into this piano.
19:29I gotta get it back upstairs.
19:30Yeah, you too, coach.
19:35Hey, Dad, did you know Grandpa's on Facebook?
19:38Yeah, I heard.
19:40Did you know he's dating Lacey?
19:42Well, you can't believe everything you see on the Internet.
19:45Should I accept Nolan's friend request?
19:47God, no.
19:50Hey, Charlie.
19:52I'll go get my stuff on.
19:56How you doing?
19:58I'm good.
19:59Still a little embarrassed about the Patrick thing.
20:02I'm really sorry, Charlie.
20:04I just thought I found my calling.
20:05Don't beat yourself up.
20:07You'll find it one day.
20:08It's so funny.
20:09Right from the beginning, I just knew it wasn't going to work out.
20:13Yeah, I had the same feeling.
20:16Yeah, because you have a master's degree in psychology.
20:18I just had a gut feeling.
20:20And that's not the first time.
20:21You know what that means.
20:23No, but it makes me uncomfortable.
20:26I'm a psychic.
20:27That's what I'm good at.
20:29Jennifer.
20:30People make good money being psychics.
20:33I could work for the police,
20:34and if I hone my gift and talk to the dead,
20:36I could be on talk shows.
20:38So this is going to be your career?
20:41It's going to be difficult at first, but yes.
20:46Jan, you really think you have psychic abilities?
20:50Yes, I do, because I knew you'd fall for this.
20:56Oh, come on.
20:57You were just pretending?
20:58You're making all this stuff up?
20:59Yeah.
21:01You had me.
21:01Have you ever thought about acting?
21:02I bet you could do commercials.
21:03Really?
21:04Oh, yeah.
21:04Yeah, if you wanted to go,
21:06acting school is something I would definitely pay for.
21:08You're just screwing with me, aren't you?
21:10Wow.
21:11You are psychic.
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