- 2 days ago
Charlie and The Hooker
Charlie accepts a new patient, a pimp named Ray James II, into his therapy group. After Charlie sleeps with a young woman called Sasha (Anna Hutchison) who approached him at the bar, she reveals that she's a hooker and that Ray sent her as payment for his sessions. Meanwhile, Lacey, Nolan and Ed are creeped out by Ray, and attempt to hold their own self-help session without Charlie present.
Charlie accepts a new patient, a pimp named Ray James II, into his therapy group. After Charlie sleeps with a young woman called Sasha (Anna Hutchison) who approached him at the bar, she reveals that she's a hooker and that Ray sent her as payment for his sessions. Meanwhile, Lacey, Nolan and Ed are creeped out by Ray, and attempt to hold their own self-help session without Charlie present.
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TVTranscript
00:00I expect Charlie to be late because of his nervous breakdown that we're all pretending is a phase.
00:05But where's Patrick?
00:07I'm watering his plants for him. He said he was going to San Francisco for the weekend.
00:12Sacramento and not San Francisco.
00:14Oh, he'll get there eventually. They always do.
00:24Buenos dias, mis amigos.
00:28I am back from Baja.
00:30My sidekick. His name is also Charlie.
00:35We've had many adventures.
00:37And he is muy cansado.
00:39And now, we must go to sleep.
00:43Bedroom's upstairs.
00:45Buenas noches, also Charlie.
00:52All right, Angry Birds. Let's get this thing going.
00:56Here's your mail. It's been stacking up since you've been awake.
01:00It was only gone a day.
01:02I mean, mentally went away.
01:05Oh, yeah. It has been a while.
01:10Oh, yeah. Look at this.
01:12Court has assigned a new patient to our group.
01:15What? I don't like change.
01:17I need time to mentally prepare myself.
01:20Don't worry. It says here he's not coming until next week.
01:24Oh, crap. It is next week.
01:28Tell you what. I'll walk slowly to the door so you can prepare.
01:32Thanks, Ray.
01:37I had to park my damn Escalade in the sun.
01:40Plant a tree, bitch.
01:46I prefer Charlie, but you're new, so you didn't know.
01:50Everybody, this is Ray James II.
01:52Don't you mean Ray James Jr.?
01:55People only say the second if they're royalty,
01:58and I think the only king this guy's been close to
02:01is the burger variety.
02:05No, you ignorant hillbilly.
02:07It is Ray James II.
02:08Jr. is the name of some dumbass redneck
02:10who's going to be poor his whole life.
02:12So move your feet, Jr.,
02:15because I am a king,
02:16and I'm about to hold court on your backwoods ass.
02:25Excellent.
02:30So, Ray, it says here that you own the prestige escort service.
02:35We're so classy, it's stupid.
02:39Oh, my God. He's a pimp.
02:41Mm, and what kind of curry-flavored delight
02:44do we have here?
02:46You are spectacular.
02:49Hi, I'm Lacey.
02:53So, yet another rule I didn't think
02:54I'd ever have to put on the books.
02:56No turning out hoes in group.
02:59All right, she's not a hooker.
03:01She gives it away.
03:03Thank you, Ed.
03:04Wait.
03:06It says here you had some difficulties
03:08with your financial advisor.
03:09Right.
03:10Which I resolved with a sternly written letter.
03:13I don't see what's wrong with that.
03:15Yeah, probably the part where you made him
03:17eat it while you, quote,
03:18beat him silly with the flagpole
03:20from an elementary school.
03:23Ow.
03:25I do not feel good about that.
03:27I should never have disrespected the flag.
03:33I remember elementary school.
03:36That's it.
03:38I'm just happy when I remember some stuff.
03:42Well, bitch-ass had it coming.
03:44He cooked the books like Betty Crocker
03:46and took every penny.
03:47But don't worry about your bill.
03:49I will make it right.
03:52Excuse me.
03:54I've got to take this.
03:59Fine.
04:00I'll leave.
04:02Good afternoon.
04:04You've got prestige.
04:05We're so classy, it's stupid.
04:09I don't like that guy.
04:12Who wants to vote him out?
04:14Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
04:15We do not judge people.
04:17Anybody who comes here for help is welcome.
04:19Here's another reason why we don't vote.
04:21Who wants Ed out?
04:24Can I go get a beer?
04:28No.
04:29If you go to the kitchen, I'll take one.
04:36Dude, I don't know what's going on with me and women,
04:40but I wish I could bottle it,
04:41because I swear I just can't miss.
04:44And then here you stand, alone.
04:48It's because I haven't tried yet.
04:51Watch.
04:52Watch this.
04:56You see that?
04:56You see what I'm doing?
04:58No, I don't.
05:01Got a whole new smolder.
05:04Yeah, I don't see anything different.
05:06That's because you're a dude.
05:11That girl saw it.
05:16I'm just going to reel this one in.
05:19Hey.
05:20What's up?
05:22This is going to sound weird,
05:23but are you Charlie Goodson,
05:25the baseball player?
05:26I used to be a baseball player,
05:28but now I'm a therapist.
05:30You want to get out of here?
05:32Sure.
05:33We should really work on your shyness.
05:36I'm sorry.
05:37Yeah.
05:38What just happened here?
05:41Wait.
05:41If you and I leave,
05:42then this guy has no way to get home.
05:46So...
05:47Let's go.
05:52Okay.
05:53That is the first time
05:54anybody's ever done that.
05:56At least in that sequence.
05:59Oh, yeah.
06:00We totally discovered that.
06:02We're like the Lewis and Clark of sex.
06:07We're like...
06:08Admiral Byrd.
06:10Yeah.
06:10Except with a much more fun race to the pole.
06:15I like how I say things
06:16and you say things back.
06:17When can I see you again?
06:19Yeah.
06:20About that.
06:21There's something you need to know about me.
06:24You're married?
06:25Because I've got to be honest with you.
06:27At this point in my life,
06:28I don't see wedding rings.
06:29I just see people.
06:31Not even close.
06:33You know Ray James?
06:34The first or the second?
06:37I work for him.
06:39Please tell me it's the first.
06:39I'm pretty sure his dad was a plumber.
06:42He had a session with you,
06:44so in exchange,
06:45you got a session with me.
06:48You're an escort.
06:49So you didn't really recognize me from baseball.
06:52I did recognize you
06:53from a sports blooper on YouTube.
06:56Look, I was just supposed to hit on you
06:58and close the deal.
06:59Ray didn't want you to say no.
07:01Are you upset?
07:02You know what?
07:03At this point in my life,
07:05I don't see escorts.
07:05I just see people.
07:08Great, because I'd like to see you again.
07:10All you got to do is call me.
07:14I mean,
07:15call my pimp.
07:22So, what do you say
07:23we head over to the Merry Peasant tonight?
07:24I make a great wingman.
07:27I don't really need a wingman.
07:29I know.
07:30But I do.
07:33My solo game looks more like lurking
07:35and loitering.
07:38One girl's eye look menacing.
07:40What do you do?
07:41You just stand in the shadows staring at him?
07:43Kind of.
07:46I thought it made me look like
07:47a mysterious loner.
07:51Have you ever,
07:52in your entire life,
07:53ever heard the phrase
07:55mysterious loner used
07:56to describe someone that
07:58wasn't a serial killer
07:59or an assassin?
08:04What are you guys doing here?
08:05Neither one of us has a hoop at our house,
08:07so we're using yours.
08:09So where are you eating my cereal?
08:11Neither one of us had any cereal at our house,
08:12so we're using yours.
08:16I gotta go.
08:20Hey, guys.
08:21You know,
08:22neither of us have girls
08:23at our house, so...
08:24No.
08:27I'm sorry.
08:27This is Sean from the bar last night
08:29and my friend Michael.
08:30I was actually there last night, too.
08:32You were?
08:34Yeah, I was sort of
08:35lurking in the shadows.
08:38Yeah?
08:39You should stop that.
08:41Okay, so tomorrow night,
08:43basketball game?
08:44Is that a euphemism?
08:46No.
08:47Hockey game.
08:48That's a euphemism.
08:50I say we go to the hockey game first.
08:54Hey, guys, sweetie.
08:55Give Ray a call.
08:56Set it up.
08:57You got it.
09:02Who's Ray?
09:04Her pimp.
09:04Is there any cereal left?
09:06You're sleeping with a hooker?
09:08Yeah, but I'm not paying.
09:09Her pimp's in my group,
09:10and he's paying for my services
09:12with her services.
09:14Well, most of this is gone,
09:15but there's some granola
09:16over there in the pantry,
09:17and I knew there was a reason
09:19why she chose you over me.
09:21Hey, wow.
09:22Aren't we focused
09:23on the wrong thing here?
09:25You're sleeping with a hooker?
09:27Okay, okay.
09:27First of all,
09:28she's not a hooker.
09:29She's an escort.
09:30And second of all,
09:31she's a really nice girl.
09:32Well, it doesn't matter
09:33how nice she is.
09:34She's still a hooker.
09:35Hey, hey, hey.
09:35Just because she works
09:36in the sex industry
09:37doesn't mean that she wouldn't
09:39be a good girlfriend.
09:40Would you date a hooker?
09:42I was a hooker.
09:43And I was damn good at it,
09:45but I still deserve to be loved.
09:48You were a hooker?
09:50Damn it,
09:50why is everyone
09:51so much cooler than me?
09:53Listen,
09:54how often do you run across
09:55a girl that you actually
09:56want to hang out with, right?
09:58Now, if she's one of them,
09:59I say you go for it.
10:02You're right.
10:02I do want to date her,
10:04so what the hell?
10:05But I'm not paying
10:06every time I see her.
10:07The only way to keep
10:08dating her is
10:09if her pimp stays in my group.
10:11So what's the problem
10:12with that?
10:12Well, it turns out
10:14Lacey the testicle sniper,
10:15Ed the racist,
10:16and Nolan the pothead stalker
10:18aren't comfortable
10:19with having
10:19Ray the pimp around.
10:25Hey, guys.
10:26Thanks for coming in early.
10:29Now, look.
10:30I know you'd like me
10:32to kick Ray out of the group,
10:33but I'd like you
10:34to give him another chance.
10:36He makes me
10:37extremely uncomfortable,
10:38and usually I'm only
10:39very uncomfortable.
10:42Well, sure,
10:43but don't think of him
10:44as a pimp.
10:45Think of him as a guy
10:47who looks like
10:49a young Captain Crunch
10:52with a ship full of prostitutes.
10:55And he's a jackass.
10:57I don't care if he's a pimp.
10:59Hell, my granddad was a pimp.
11:00He ran the humping pump
11:02outside of Baton Rouge.
11:05Is that a gas station
11:07with prostitutes?
11:08Yes, ma'am.
11:10Look, just because he's new
11:12and looks a little different
11:13and threatened to
11:14bitch-slap Nolan
11:15for making eye contact,
11:17you guys want to
11:18throw him out?
11:19I'm very disappointed.
11:20God, why do you care so much?
11:22That guy is such a jerk.
11:23He's not even paying you.
11:25He is paying me.
11:28What's the feeling you get
11:30when you help someone?
11:44I think it begins with an S.
11:49Shame?
11:51Is it shame?
11:56No, but whatever it is,
11:58that's what I'm getting
11:58out of this.
12:01Look,
12:02I know he made
12:03a bad first impression,
12:04but I'm sure this time
12:05he'll be on his best behavior.
12:13These two Nazi dogs,
12:14I'll make sure of it.
12:20Sorry I brought the dogs.
12:21They ate something bad
12:22and they want them
12:22to go dookie at my house.
12:26That's very considerate of you.
12:28It's not a problem.
12:29Now, about the animals.
12:30Do not look directly
12:31at the dogs.
12:32Don't make any sudden
12:33movements near me
12:34or around me,
12:35which may startle the dogs.
12:37Other than that,
12:37let's have a great session.
12:41Any reason we can't
12:42just tie them up outside?
12:44Joggers.
12:46All right, Nolan,
12:47let's get started.
12:48Oh, I just remembered.
12:49These dogs are trained to kill.
12:51There is a trigger word
12:52which you may never use.
12:59Are you going to tell us
13:01what it is?
13:03I forgot.
13:05However,
13:06I do remember
13:07it's got two syllables.
13:09So,
13:11we
13:11safe
13:12if
13:13just
13:14use
13:15short
13:15words.
13:18Sure.
13:20I know
13:22like
13:22make
13:22waves.
13:26But
13:26bad
13:27man
13:27wreck
13:28thing.
13:31Hey, Chuck,
13:32we had
13:33enough.
13:34We'd be here
13:35first.
13:36We go.
13:39You know,
13:40you can say
13:40goes.
13:41This
13:42suck.
13:45Sucks.
13:47That's
13:48we
13:49leave
13:49no
13:50come
13:50backs.
13:52Guys,
13:53this is ridiculous.
13:54The dogs
13:55want a tank?
13:56Ah,
13:57that's the word.
13:58Attack.
14:00That's the code word?
14:01I forgot we changed it.
14:02It used to be
14:03cranberries,
14:04but there was an
14:04incident last Thanksgiving.
14:12Come on,
14:12you know the rules?
14:13Every time
14:14one of the ball pairs
14:14adjusts themselves,
14:15we take a drink.
14:16Charlie,
14:17I've had three beers
14:18in 15 minutes.
14:19I have never seen
14:20guys pull out
14:21their crotch so much.
14:23All right,
14:23I admit,
14:24I kind of cheated.
14:24I checked the weather
14:25in Cincinnati.
14:25I knew I was going
14:26to be humid.
14:29Listen,
14:29I wanted to talk
14:31to you about Ray.
14:32What about him?
14:34I'm going to have
14:34to kick him
14:34out of my group.
14:36The problem is
14:36once he's out,
14:37you and I are going
14:38to have to stop
14:38seeing each other.
14:40Damn.
14:41This sucks.
14:42I've been thinking
14:42a lot about your job,
14:44which is why
14:45I wanted you to meet
14:45Brett.
14:46Brett,
14:46this is Sasha.
14:47You both worked
14:48in the same field.
14:49You're kidding.
14:50You worked in a
14:50slaughterhouse
14:51killing cows
14:51with an electric
14:52bolt gun?
14:55No,
14:55no,
14:55no,
14:55no.
14:55She works
14:56in the private
14:58entertainment industry.
14:59Charlie?
15:00It's okay,
15:00hon.
15:01I used to be
15:01a madam.
15:03No offense,
15:03but how did
15:05you end up here?
15:06Well,
15:06I did pretty good
15:07for a couple
15:07of years,
15:08but I bought
15:09an ostrich farm.
15:10Thought it was
15:11going to be
15:11the new steak.
15:13It's not.
15:16Tell her what you
15:16think she should do
15:17with her pimp.
15:18Lose him.
15:19You're the one
15:20doing all the work.
15:21He's making all the money
15:21until a younger,
15:22prettier girl comes in.
15:23Then he kicks you out
15:24and there you are
15:25walking the streets.
15:27Yeah,
15:27I know.
15:28I always think
15:29about that.
15:31Then just do it.
15:32Lose the guy.
15:33Just like that?
15:35Yes.
15:36There's a million
15:36other things you could do.
15:37Then you could date
15:38whoever you want.
15:39I mean,
15:40I might have to start
15:41charging you,
15:41but we'll talk about that later.
15:45Okay.
15:47Okay, what?
15:48I'm going to do it.
15:50That's awesome.
15:52Let's get a table,
15:53order a couple
15:54of ostrich steaks,
15:55send them back
15:56as they suck,
15:56and then go home
15:56somewhere.
15:58I would love to,
15:59but I'm going to go.
16:00I've got to do it now
16:01before I lose my nerve.
16:02I'll call you later.
16:03Not Ray, you.
16:09Hey,
16:11you've got your
16:12affairs in order,
16:13right, Charlie?
16:13Like, you know,
16:14funeral arrangements,
16:15headstone,
16:15plot of land.
16:18Why?
16:19Because this pimp's
16:20going to kill you.
16:23What are you talking about?
16:25It just occurred to me,
16:26every time a girl
16:27would leave the life,
16:28it always had something
16:29to do with the last guy
16:30she was with.
16:32Oh.
16:33Well, let's keep
16:34our fingers crossed
16:34that the girl that I like
16:36had sex with somebody
16:37after me.
16:48What a crap.
16:52Hey, Ray, what's up?
16:53Let me in.
16:54I've got to talk to you.
16:56About what?
16:57Something I'm angry about.
17:00Yeah, I don't really do
17:01that anymore.
17:03I just deal with phobias now.
17:05I'm afraid I'm going
17:06to kill someone.
17:07That's a phobia, right?
17:10Well, technically, no.
17:12What's in the bag, Ray?
17:15All my guns.
17:17So, a bag of guns,
17:18you say?
17:20All right, good to see you.
17:21Thanks for stopping by.
17:23Come on, man.
17:24You're my therapist.
17:26You're the only guy
17:27I trust to hold
17:28these for me.
17:40Give me the guns, Ray.
17:42She's gone, man.
17:44The bitch is gone.
17:46I hear that.
17:47Give me the guns, Ray.
17:49You don't even know
17:50who I'm talking about.
17:51You're right, I don't.
17:52But as a therapist,
17:53I know that when a bitch
17:53is gone, it's a good time
17:55to breathe and hand over
17:56your bag of guns.
17:59It's Sasha, man.
18:03Did she say anything
18:04to you about leaving?
18:07Only after every time
18:08we had sex,
18:09she said, goodbye, I'm leaving.
18:11That's the only thing
18:11I ever heard about.
18:14She quit, Charlie.
18:15My biggest earner.
18:17It's going to cost me
18:17tens of thousands of dollars.
18:20Okay, look,
18:20I know that's got to hurt,
18:21but maybe it was just time
18:23for her to leave the life.
18:25Leave the life?
18:26She took three of my other girls
18:27and moved across the country
18:28somewhere to start
18:29her own damn escort service.
18:31The bitch did what?
18:34Yeah.
18:35Right?
18:36She just up
18:36and she left.
18:39So,
18:40no goodbye?
18:41Nope.
18:42Not even, uh,
18:44thanks for all the good times,
18:44the best sex I ever had?
18:45Nope.
18:46What?
18:47Can I have that bag of guns now?
18:51You know, Charlie,
18:52you're a good therapist.
18:53It's like you can feel
18:54what I'm feeling right now.
18:56Oh, I can feel it.
18:59Would you be offended
19:00if I wanted to sit on your couch
19:01for a couple hours
19:02and just get drunk?
19:04Would you be offended
19:05if I joined you?
19:06Hell no.
19:08Want to shoot some guns
19:08in the backyard?
19:10Sure.
19:12But only if we're drunk.
19:13And never in anger.
19:16Have I found
19:17some gay cookies
19:18and gay pretzels
19:20and gay soda pop
19:21and, uh,
19:22some Lorna doones?
19:24Gay on that one's implied.
19:28Okay, since we're
19:29boycotting Charlie,
19:30I guess I'll just
19:30be the therapist.
19:31Why do you always
19:32get to be the therapist?
19:33Because I've made
19:34the most progress
19:35with my anger.
19:36God, what a stupid question.
19:42Ed,
19:43last week we were
19:44talking about
19:45how your dog died
19:46when you were a child.
19:48I would diagnose
19:48your anger problems
19:49as having to do
19:50with all kinds
19:51of childhood things
19:52and also feelings.
19:55Okay.
19:56Now it's my turn
19:57to be a therapist.
20:00Nolan,
20:01is there something
20:01that you want to
20:02share with the group?
20:04No, I don't think
20:04I can talk about that.
20:07It's okay.
20:08This is a safe place.
20:10All right,
20:11sometimes I talk to myself.
20:12Is that what you
20:12want me to say?
20:14No,
20:15that's what you
20:16needed to hear.
20:20Boy,
20:21you need an awful
20:22lot of help.
20:28I thought I might
20:29find you guys here.
20:32We don't need you.
20:34We're having our own
20:35session with awesome
20:36food and heart-wrenching
20:38breakthroughs and
20:39nothing barking and
20:40slobbering at us.
20:41If you don't count Ed.
20:44Well, don't worry.
20:45The dogs won't be
20:46coming back.
20:47I found Ray a new
20:48therapist.
20:49I dropped the hooker.
20:51That's how important
20:52you guys are to me.
20:52I dropped the hooker.
20:56That's what I never
20:57told you about.
20:59So,
20:59forget about that.
21:01We don't need you
21:02anymore, Charlie.
21:03We've found that we
21:04can help each other.
21:06All right.
21:07Everyone who believes
21:07that, stay here.
21:09Everyone else,
21:11follow me back to my
21:11place.
21:19Bye.
21:20Bye.
21:24Bye.
21:27Bye.
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