- 1 day ago
Charlie and The Hit and Run
While driving with Ed, Martin hits a woman and takes off. Ed convinces him to empty his bank account and hide the money in case the woman's family sues, so Martin gives $35,000 each to Charlie, Jen and Sam. When it turns out the woman's family isn't going to sue, as she is a former stuntwoman with dementia, Martin wants the money back. But Sam's has been put into a college fund, and Jen spent hers on a food truck that specializes in year-round thanksgiving meals which turns out to be another bust. Meanwhile, Lacey is bribed by Patrick into taking Nolan out on the town, then actually gets jealous when Nolan spends most of the night with her sister, Sateen.
While driving with Ed, Martin hits a woman and takes off. Ed convinces him to empty his bank account and hide the money in case the woman's family sues, so Martin gives $35,000 each to Charlie, Jen and Sam. When it turns out the woman's family isn't going to sue, as she is a former stuntwoman with dementia, Martin wants the money back. But Sam's has been put into a college fund, and Jen spent hers on a food truck that specializes in year-round thanksgiving meals which turns out to be another bust. Meanwhile, Lacey is bribed by Patrick into taking Nolan out on the town, then actually gets jealous when Nolan spends most of the night with her sister, Sateen.
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TVTranscript
00:00I'm sorry, Jen, but as a rule, I don't talk about your insane business ideas before breakfast.
00:03Fine, we'll eat breakfast, and then I'll pitch it to you.
00:05Yeah, but then technically it'll be before breakfast tomorrow.
00:08I don't really see a way out of this.
00:11I'm telling you, Charlie, no one's ever done a food truck like this.
00:14All we're gonna serve is turkey, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, and stuffing.
00:20It's Thanksgiving all year long.
00:22Well, that's great.
00:23We should also hire some family members to sit around the truck and argue about things that happened 20 years
00:26ago.
00:28And I have a gimmick.
00:29Whatever you don't finish, you give back to us, and we serve it to you for free the next day
00:33as leftovers.
00:35If you can find the truck.
00:37If you can find the truck.
00:40Hey, I'm going down to get a paper.
00:42I love the obituaries in Los Angeles.
00:44Everybody's famous here.
00:45Last week, a sound technician from Forrest Gump dropped in on the crapper.
00:50Yep, nothing but glitz and glamour.
00:52I'll be back in five.
00:53Two eggs over easy, bacon crispy.
00:55You know how I like it.
00:56Chop, chop.
01:00Do you think rat poison would change the flavor of eggs?
01:03Why are you so impatient with him?
01:05He's been here three days.
01:06Well, he's scared.
01:07There was a robbery down the block from his complex.
01:10He doesn't want to be alone.
01:11Yeah, there's a huge market out there right now for pill organizers and pit-stained undershirts.
01:16I've got to get him out of here.
01:17I was thinking about buying him a gun.
01:17Oh, no, Charlie.
01:19One out of four shooting victims get shot by their own weapon.
01:22Oh.
01:23Well, then I'll get three more just to be on the safe side.
01:28So, Nolan, at the last session, we talked about how you don't socialize enough.
01:31That's crazy.
01:32You mean socialize, like, go out and meet people?
01:34Exactly.
01:35Oh, yeah, I don't do that.
01:38Would somebody mind taking Nolan out tonight?
01:40Ooh, ooh.
01:41Dibs are not doing it.
01:43Okay, I've got to respect Dibs.
01:45Patrick, you're up.
01:46I think it'll help to have somebody else ease Nolan into a social situation.
01:50Fine, but only for, like, an hour.
01:52I have a horrible person staying in my home who I do not trust.
01:55You don't trust me.
01:56You're the one that told me I won the lottery.
01:59Do you think I like staying at the courtyard barriott?
02:04Golly, if you two kids can't make it, I don't know what chance there is for the rest of us.
02:09It's not me.
02:10Hey, every night, I can't sleep because I'm listening to this guy get ready for bed.
02:15Who in the hell dries his hair at night?
02:19People with, you know, hair?
02:23I'd have hair if I used Rogaine like he does.
02:28Rogaine?
02:29Rogaine?
02:30I just...
02:31Why would...
02:31Stay out of my medicine cabinet.
02:34I just needed to borrow your deodorant.
02:38Oh, my God.
02:40You see why I'm afraid to leave him alone in my house?
02:43Oh, you got nothing to worry about.
02:45I already found your diary.
02:46What?
02:47Oh, good.
02:48He's got a diary.
02:50Hey, guys.
02:51We're out of time.
02:52Patrick, treat Ed like a guest.
02:54Ed, keep his stuff out of your armpits.
02:56See you all Thursday.
02:57Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
03:01I'm a little concerned that you and Patrick are going to murder each other.
03:05I hope half of that happens.
03:08I don't.
03:10I think I might have a better roommate for you.
03:12How would you feel about living with my dad?
03:14Well, Charlie, I barely know the man.
03:16Perfect.
03:17That's one of his best features.
03:20Lacey, you got to help me.
03:21I am too preoccupied to take Nolan out tonight.
03:24I'm dealing with this hillbilly ghost haunting my apartment.
03:27He's just not dead yet.
03:30Yeah.
03:31Sucks to be you.
03:32Bye.
03:32Wait.
03:34I know you called dibs, but if you take Nolan off my hands tonight, I'll give you $20.
03:39I wouldn't do it for $20 million billion.
03:41How about $40 and I don't tell Charlie you dented his car?
03:45You did that?
03:46I'm that desperate.
03:54Sorry I took so long.
03:56The cafeteria was packed.
03:58When did this other couple get here?
04:00It's the same couple.
04:01They're still going at it.
04:03And she just had another orgasm.
04:06Weird.
04:07She's barely moving.
04:09How many is that?
04:10Nine?
04:11Try 15.
04:12Hmm.
04:12I'd like to.
04:14So, should we stop them?
04:16It's getting late.
04:17Well, we can't stop them.
04:19We're conducting a professional research thing.
04:20What we can do is turn her into a drinking game.
04:25Good idea.
04:27Every time she has a confirmed orgasm, we take a shot.
04:35And she's off.
04:39I hope you didn't make any plans tonight.
04:41No, I'm happy to say that I'll be going home to an empty house.
04:44I finally got my dad to go back to his place.
04:46I thought he was afraid to go back.
04:48He was, but then I convinced Ed to move in with him.
04:52Wow.
04:52I know.
04:57Hey, how'd you do that?
04:58They barely know each other.
04:59Well, I told my dad that he and Ed have a lot in common.
05:01That they're both, you know...
05:02Old?
05:03Yeah, and...
05:03Horrible people?
05:04Exactly.
05:11What's his secret?
05:13I think it's all her.
05:15Hitting a pothole would get this woman off.
05:17Don't you realize that having one of your patients move in with your dad is a recipe for disaster?
05:22No.
05:23But what I did realize...
05:26The beeping was coming from the printer.
05:30That woman's not having a orgasm.
05:32She's out of paper.
05:36All I'm saying is that she may be this country's greatest living American.
05:42All right, Ed, I'll bite her.
05:44How is Dolly Parton our country's greatest living American?
05:49Two reasons.
05:50Oh, come on.
05:51No, no, it's not what you think.
05:54Her songwriting abilities...
05:57and...
05:58her boobs.
05:59Oh.
06:01No!
06:02No!
06:09I hope to God that was the same woman.
06:19She just came out of nowhere, right in front of the car.
06:21Don't worry about the woman.
06:23The hospital said she'd be fine.
06:25What you ought to worry about is the lawsuit,
06:27because she's gonna sue you for every last penny you've got.
06:31Why should I be worried about that?
06:32That's why I have insurance.
06:34Insurance.
06:35That's good.
06:36You got an umbrella?
06:37Because there's a tsunami coming,
06:39and it speaks Jew,
06:41and it knows the law.
06:44Ed, now I'm really terrified.
06:46What, are they gonna take all your money?
06:48No, then I'm living with you.
06:51Look, the woman's gonna be all right,
06:53but her lawyers ain't done yet.
06:55If you've got anything saved up,
06:57you better put it in the box and bury it.
06:58I do have a little something put aside.
07:01Well, then hide it, man!
07:03Look, a friend of mine did that when he was being sued.
07:07He passed his money over to a buddy,
07:09and, uh, after everything blew over,
07:11the guy gave it all back to him.
07:13Well, almost all.
07:16I kept a few bucks for a down payment on a Dodge Dart.
07:20But I can't hide the money with a friend,
07:22because if anyone found out,
07:24then that friend would be an accessory to a crime, right?
07:26Mm-hmm.
07:27So what are you gonna do?
07:28I'll give it to the family.
07:33Okay, I was supposed to get you out of your house.
07:35You're out of your house.
07:36This is fun!
07:39I told you not to talk to me
07:41unless it's something important.
07:42Ugh.
07:43Crap.
07:44My sister's here.
07:45She's such an annoying bitch.
07:48Hey, girl, hey!
07:50What up, girl?
07:53Oh, you look so hot.
07:55Like you've been throwing up just enough.
07:58Thanks.
07:59I can't wait to talk to you when I'm more drunk.
08:03What's up with Joe Dirk?
08:05Hey, Satine.
08:06You remember me?
08:07Nolan from group?
08:08Oh, I don't go to AA anymore.
08:10I'm cured.
08:13Oh, look.
08:14There's someone else.
08:22So, are you and Lacey?
08:24Are we what?
08:26I mean, you know, are you guys together?
08:29No, she just went over there.
08:34You're stupid.
08:36Now, seriously, what's up with you and my sister?
08:39My therapist asked this guy to take me out,
08:41and he sold me to Lacey for 40 bucks.
08:45So, that means my family owns you,
08:46which means I can do whatever I want with you.
08:50I guess for tonight.
08:52I don't know what my contract says after that.
08:55I thought I saw LeBron James,
08:57but it was just this other guy I already dated
08:59because I thought he was LeBron James.
09:02Hey, your sister's pretty cool.
09:04You're stupid.
09:06She said the same thing.
09:08Sisters.
09:14What do you think Grandpa wants to talk to us about?
09:16Maybe he dyed his hair,
09:17and we're going to have to tell him it looks good.
09:20Well, I'm going to be honest.
09:21Unless it does look good, in which case I'll lie.
09:24Okay, maybe he's coming over to tell us he's gay.
09:27Lori Miller's Grandpa came out last week,
09:28and it was really exciting for everybody.
09:31Except for Lori Miller's grandma.
09:35Hello, everybody.
09:36Hi, Martin. How's it going?
09:38Great.
09:39How are things working out with you and Ed?
09:40Ed? Ed's a big sweetheart.
09:42Oh, good.
09:43Sweetheart?
09:44I knew it.
09:46What the hell's she talking about?
09:48It doesn't matter.
09:49We'll never accept you.
09:51So, what are we here for?
09:53Well, everybody, please sit down.
09:58First of all, I want you all to know
09:59that I love you all very much.
10:01Come on, suicide.
10:03And in life...
10:04Darn it.
10:05...you take care of the people you love.
10:08Now, I don't want to die an old man
10:09with a bag of money,
10:10so I've decided to share my life savings
10:13with you three.
10:14I have cashier's checks for each one of you
10:17for $35,000.
10:19Are you serious?
10:20There you go.
10:21Grandpa, thank you.
10:23You're welcome.
10:24Wait a minute.
10:25Wait a minute.
10:25$35,000?
10:27For each of us?
10:28Mm-hmm.
10:29Where did you get...
10:31three times $35,000?
10:34I put away a little bit at the time,
10:36and it eventually worked up to be $105,000.
10:39Yeah.
10:41Well, why have I been supporting you this whole time
10:43when you're sitting on this kind of money?
10:45Because you're a good son.
10:46But I was also afraid if you cut me off,
10:48I'd need something to live on.
10:50So, there you have it.
10:51Now, look.
10:52Don't spend it.
10:53Save it for a rainy day, all right?
10:55Because you never know
10:56when you or someone you love
10:58might need it back.
10:59I mean, need it.
11:00Why did I say back?
11:02So, who'd like to go out to dinner and celebrate?
11:05Uh, Dad, I-I-I don't know what to say.
11:08How about before dinner,
11:09we make a toast to you?
11:11Jane, help me get a bottle of wine out of the kitchen.
11:13Sure.
11:18Dad, are you dying?
11:19I'm fit as a fiddle.
11:21I'll get the wine anyway.
11:27This is so sweet of your father.
11:30Sweet of my ass.
11:31The man is up to something.
11:32He's never given me money.
11:34I was always late for preschool
11:34because of my second job.
11:37He's just getting older and sentimental.
11:39He wants us to put it in the bank
11:41so we have more security.
11:43Eh, you're probably right.
11:45You know what we should do?
11:48Spend it.
11:49Spend it fast.
11:50Spend it hard.
11:50Spend it long.
11:51This is my dad we're talking about.
11:52I need to burn through this cash
11:54before he changes his evil little mind.
11:56I'm buying a Corvette.
11:58But Charlie, you said to save it for a rainy day.
12:01Yeah?
12:01The moment that day comes,
12:03I'll turn on the wipers.
12:06So, Patrick, I'm a little confused.
12:08I thought I asked you to take Nolan out last night,
12:09not Lacey.
12:10I know.
12:11And I feel horrible.
12:12It's probably the biggest mistake of my life.
12:15A simple I don't care would have been sufficient.
12:16I don't care.
12:19So, Nolan, how was your evening?
12:21It would have been okay
12:22if he hadn't spent all night talking to my sister.
12:25I hate her.
12:26When she was little,
12:27she was always hanging around our house.
12:30Yeah, that's the problem with kids.
12:31They become entitled
12:32and they think they're part of the family.
12:34Hey, Lacey,
12:35I was asking Nolan about his evening.
12:37I know, and I'm telling you,
12:38it sucked for me.
12:40We're out of time,
12:41so I'll see you all next Thursday.
12:44So, Ed,
12:45how are things going?
12:46Living with my dad?
12:47Oh, it's fine.
12:48He's a good man.
12:49Ed, what's, um,
12:50what's going on with that money that he gave us?
12:52Oh, well,
12:52I don't know nothing about that.
12:54That gift is just a gift.
12:57It's not like he's hiding money or nothing.
13:05Hiding money from who?
13:07Look, uh,
13:08I've said enough.
13:10If you think I'm gonna say any more,
13:11you're sadly mistaken.
13:12I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam,
13:15and your daddy's a veteran.
13:17I wouldn't sell him out for anything.
13:20Ed,
13:20the police already called.
13:21They just picked him up,
13:22and he's down there right now
13:23saying it was all your idea.
13:24That son of a bitch.
13:25What do you want to know?
13:27What's going on, Ed?
13:28Well, I just told him
13:30to pass the money to a friend,
13:31not a relative.
13:32I didn't want to make you an accessory.
13:35Holy God,
13:36what the hell did you guys do?
13:37Oh, it wasn't too bad.
13:39We almost killed a woman.
13:42Daddy hit her with a car.
13:45He's trying to hide the money
13:46in case it gets sued.
13:48All you gotta do
13:49is just give it back to him.
13:50You won't get in no trouble.
13:51Give it back?
13:52What if I'd already spent it?
13:54Good thing I didn't.
13:55Aw, crap, Jennifer.
13:58I told her to spend it.
13:59Uh, do you want me
14:00to go bail your daddy out of jail?
14:02Oh, he's not in jail.
14:03The police never called.
14:03I was just bluffing.
14:04Oh, well, in that case,
14:06would you mind
14:07hitting me over the head
14:08with one of these pool sticks?
14:10I don't want to look like
14:11I rolled over too easy.
14:19Hey, Charlie.
14:20When you answer your phone,
14:21I'm calling you for an hour.
14:22Oh, sorry.
14:23I think I left my phone
14:24where I bought my new truck.
14:26You bought a new truck?
14:27It's only been ten hours.
14:28It's barely enough time
14:28to look at a brochure.
14:30What's your problem?
14:32My dad gave us that money
14:33to hide it from some lady
14:34who was gonna sue him.
14:34If we don't give it back,
14:35we're all gonna be in trouble.
14:36What'd you get, a Dodge, a Ford?
14:38A Thanksgiving food.
14:41You were serious about that?
14:43It's a good business.
14:45I told you about
14:45the leftovers, right?
14:48Okay, you know what?
14:49It's still a vehicle,
14:50which means we can still
14:50take it back.
14:51I don't think so.
14:52Uh, Mr. Garcia,
14:53very nice man, by the way.
14:55He took the money
14:56I gave him for the truck
14:57and went back to Guatemala.
14:58He's buying his daughter
15:00back from a drug lord.
15:03I don't understand why
15:05we're going out again
15:05if nobody's paying you.
15:07The last time we were here,
15:08all you did was ignore me.
15:09I know, and I feel so bad,
15:11and I want to make it up to you.
15:13The only reason you're here
15:15is so that you and I
15:16can have a good time.
15:18Wow.
15:20You don't know how long
15:21I've been waiting for you to say...
15:21Hey, Satine,
15:22look who likes me
15:23better than you.
15:25Oh, God,
15:26is that what you called
15:27to make sure I was here?
15:28You are so sad
15:30and see-through,
15:32like Saran sad.
15:34Hey, Nolan,
15:36once you're done caring
15:37for my ancient, older sister,
15:38why don't you hang with me?
15:40Oh, no, no, no.
15:41This stops right now,
15:43baby sister.
15:44Nolan, sweetheart,
15:45darling, cookie face,
15:46tell Sesame Street Walker here
15:48that you want to be with me
15:50and not her.
15:51Is that true, Nolan?
15:53After all that time
15:54we spent in the booth last night
15:56yelling over the music
15:57and nodding like
15:57we could hear each other?
15:59I'm really sorry, Satine,
16:01and I'll never forget
16:02everything I didn't hear you say.
16:04But my heart belongs
16:05to your sister.
16:07That's right.
16:08Now turn that ass around
16:10right now
16:10unless you want
16:11another nose job.
16:13Bye.
16:14Bye, bitch.
16:15Bye, Hooker.
16:16Bye tomorrow, baby girl.
16:17Love you.
16:20Hey.
16:21Come here.
16:22You've got to see
16:23this couple from yesterday
16:24having tantric sex.
16:29Are they moving?
16:32Yes.
16:33Just very slowly.
16:35How can there be
16:35a billion people in India
16:36if it takes this long
16:37to have sex?
16:39All right.
16:40Well, you're in a hurry.
16:41My dad ran over
16:42an old woman
16:43and my ex-wife
16:44is buying a Thanksgiving
16:45food truck.
16:46Not again.
16:48Woman's going to be fine
16:49and I'm afraid
16:50the family's going to sue
16:51so I want to get over there
16:52and try to come
16:52to some reasonable settlement.
16:54Oh, so you're being proactive.
16:55Yes, I am.
16:56Hmm.
16:57That's a terrible idea.
16:59Why?
17:00I want to try to settle this
17:01before the lawyers
17:01get involved.
17:02If I don't,
17:03Jen's going to get
17:03dragged off to jail
17:04in a turkey truck.
17:06So you're negotiating
17:07out of fear.
17:08You're going to go in there
17:09like a little puppy dog
17:10hoping they like you
17:10and listen to reason.
17:11What you really need
17:12is a big tough dog
17:13who go in there
17:14and bite them
17:14before they bite you.
17:16Sure, but where am I
17:17going to get a big tough dog?
17:18Hmm.
17:20Woof.
17:24Now remember,
17:25you are the good cop
17:26and I am the bad cop.
17:28Remember when we used to play that game?
17:30You'd dress up
17:31in a little uniform
17:32and pat me down
17:33looking for hidden weapons.
17:36You'd always find the same one
17:37and pretend to be surprised.
17:41Yes, can I help you?
17:43Hi, is this the one
17:43of Joyce Lewis?
17:44Yes, I'm her son.
17:45I'm Charlie Goodson.
17:46My father's Martin Goodson.
17:48And I'm his counsel
17:49designated to negotiate
17:50on his behalf.
17:51Hells yeah, she is.
17:53Look, you can just give us
17:54a bill to repair
17:55the damages to your car.
17:56We just don't want you
17:57taking us to court.
17:58That's all.
17:59Excuse me?
18:00My mother suffers
18:00from dementia.
18:01She probably jumped out
18:02in front of your father's car.
18:03She used to be a stuntwoman
18:04and she misses the action.
18:06Usually we stop her
18:07before she gets to the street
18:08by yelling,
18:08Cut!
18:11That's very good news.
18:13Except for your mom
18:14being hit by a car.
18:16My age is a stuntwoman.
18:16That's pretty cool.
18:18Would I have seen her
18:19in anything
18:19other than my dad's windshield?
18:24We're gonna go.
18:28Come and get it.
18:29Eddie.
18:31I brought us some dinner.
18:33I hope you like biscuits
18:35and gravy
18:35because I brought extry.
18:37Did you just say extry?
18:39Yeah, I did,
18:40but if you don't like the word,
18:41I'll never use it again.
18:42No, no, I'm right good.
18:45It's very kind of you
18:46to do this, Ed.
18:47Oh, a fella can be nice
18:48for no reason, right?
18:50I bought you a Bundt cake
18:52for dessert.
18:53It's all yours
18:53just for being you.
18:59Oh, hang on.
19:00Come on.
19:05Charlie.
19:05Hey, Dad.
19:06I've got to go.
19:07They forgot to put honey
19:09in for the biscuits.
19:09Oh, I got some in the cupboard.
19:11Oh, I prefer it in the package.
19:14Leave me out of this
19:15and save me a thigh.
19:18Hey, come on in, son.
19:20And if this is all about
19:21you coming over
19:22to thank me
19:22for the money again,
19:23you don't have to bother.
19:24But if you'd like to stay
19:25for dinner,
19:25Ed bought extry.
19:28Hey, you start pretending
19:29like everything's fine.
19:31I found out the real reason
19:32you gave us the money.
19:33You hit a woman.
19:34I've never hit a woman
19:35in my life.
19:36With a car.
19:38Oh, yeah, I did that
19:39the other day.
19:40Well, you'd be happy
19:41to know that they're coming
19:42after everything I own.
19:43My house,
19:44Sam's college fund,
19:45everything.
19:45Oh, no, Charlie,
19:46I swear to you,
19:47I never thought
19:48this could happen.
19:50Ed said you did.
19:51Well, actually, I did.
19:52I just never thought
19:53it would happen.
19:54But look,
19:55this is not a problem.
19:56You just give me
19:56all the money back
19:57and I'll handle it.
19:58I can't give it back.
19:59We spent it.
20:00You spent it?
20:01It's been less than 24 hours.
20:03We got excited
20:04and bought stuff.
20:05Oh, God,
20:05what have I done?
20:08Relax, old man.
20:09We didn't spend
20:10all your money.
20:11But I talked
20:11to the woman's family.
20:12You know she's
20:13demented now.
20:15Oh, God, no.
20:18So what you're saying
20:18is she can't testify.
20:21You're unbelievable.
20:22I can't even teach
20:23you a lesson.
20:24The reason she ran
20:25in front of your car
20:26is because she already
20:27had dementia.
20:28They're not going to sue you,
20:29but I'm thinking about it.
20:30Oh, listen, Charlie,
20:31I have learned my lesson.
20:32I feel terrible.
20:33Look, you just give me
20:34all my money back
20:35and I'll put my tail
20:36between my legs
20:37and just shuffle sadly
20:39off back to the bank.
20:41Well, I can give you
20:42my share back,
20:42but I invested Sam's
20:43in a college fund.
20:45Uh, okay,
20:46I can live with that.
20:47What about the money
20:48I gave to Jen?
20:49Bad news.
20:50It's parked
20:51at the edge
20:51of Koreatown
20:52selling turkey.
20:55Turkey dinner for sale.
20:58Turkey dinner for sale.
21:02Turkey dinner for sale.
21:05Turkey truck for sale.
21:09Turkey truck for sale.
21:13Turkey truck for sale.
21:17Turkey truck for sale.
21:18Turkey truck for sale.
21:22Turkey truck for sale.
21:25Turkey truck for sale.
21:26Turkey truck for sale.
21:28Turkey truck for sale.
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