- 21 hours ago
Charlie & His New Therapist
After his break-up with Kate, Charlie shows a return of his anger outbursts, so he returns to therapy with a new therapist (Marion Ross), but he becomes concerned over the unusual techniques she employs. Meanwhile, anger leads Patrick to pull a lottery prank on Ed, which has unintended consequences.
After his break-up with Kate, Charlie shows a return of his anger outbursts, so he returns to therapy with a new therapist (Marion Ross), but he becomes concerned over the unusual techniques she employs. Meanwhile, anger leads Patrick to pull a lottery prank on Ed, which has unintended consequences.
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TVTranscript
00:00This study proposes to show that people in friends with benefits arrangements are as
00:05happy as those in traditional monogamous relationships.
00:08And we'll examine the sustainability of non-traditional relationships.
00:12Yeah, let me think about it.
00:14Maybe we'll tuck it in on the second draft.
00:15Why don't you just say you don't want to put it in?
00:17I can handle it.
00:18I'm a professional.
00:18Okay.
00:19I don't want to put it in.
00:20Okay.
00:21Then put this in.
00:22You're a bossy little snot pants.
00:25It's a press release, Charlie.
00:27We don't want it to get too wordy.
00:28Oh, fine.
00:29Bring it over here.
00:30I'll type it.
00:31Oh, fine.
00:32I'll let the 10,000 monkeys take a crack at it.
00:38Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:41By Kate Wales, Ph.D. and Charles Goodson?
00:43Would have been nice if you asked me before putting your name first.
00:46I listed them alphabetically.
00:48Goodson.
00:49Wales.
00:51By first name.
00:52Charlie.
00:53Kate.
00:55By degree.
00:58Master's, Ph.D.?
01:01No.
01:01D.
01:03Doctorate.
01:03As in, I have one and you D don't.
01:06There it is.
01:07The one millionth mention of doctorate.
01:09Johnny, let's tell her what she's won.
01:10Without Charlie, Kate's won a congratulatory pat on the back.
01:12Delivered by herself.
01:14You are so blowing this way out of proportion.
01:16I'm just tired of you throwing your degree in my face.
01:20What's the big deal?
01:21You wrote a dissertation.
01:22So did Dr. Dre.
01:24I assume.
01:26Hey, I am very proud of my dissertation.
01:28It is a huge accomplishment.
01:30And as my esteemed colleague, Dr. Dre would say, stop drinking the haterade player.
01:39Hey-o!
01:41Well, that's a change.
01:43You're bringing food over now?
01:45Yeah, well, I'm always eating your snacks.
01:46So I figure the least I can do is bring you a bag of chips.
01:50Mm-hmm.
01:53Would you like some?
01:55Oh.
01:56You got any dip?
01:58I'm sorry.
01:59It's not you.
02:00It's Kate.
02:01She wants to control everything in this sex study.
02:02Oh.
02:03Kind of makes sense.
02:04I mean, she is the one with the doctorate.
02:15Wow.
02:15You are angry.
02:18You know, might be a good time to find a new shrink.
02:21Now that you've stopped seeing Kate.
02:24I don't need a shrink.
02:26Been in therapy for over a year and I think I got things under control.
02:29I don't know, man.
02:30And you don't see a shrink, you get all surly.
02:32And you stop buying a good dip.
02:36Then everyone suffers.
02:39I don't need a therapist.
02:41I've got my tools for disengaging.
02:42Yeah, but don't you think it's so much?
02:43End of discussion, snack whore!
02:47Way to use your tools.
02:49And I'm not a snack whore.
02:52I'm a hungry man that's made a few mistakes.
03:01Okay, before Ed gets here, you know that monthly dinner Charlie told us to do as a bonding exercise?
03:05The one we bonded over deciding never to do?
03:08Yes.
03:09Tomorrow night, we're really doing it.
03:11I already told Ed and you guys do not want to miss it.
03:15I am finally going to get even with him.
03:17For all those Indian slurs like calling me a Taj Mahor?
03:21Yeah, and calling me a lazy stoner?
03:23I mean to talk to him about that.
03:26But I never seem to get around to it.
03:28Yeah, for all of that.
03:30But more importantly, for all the crap he's thrown at me.
03:33I mean, Taj Mahomo.
03:36Ten minutes after he said it to you, I was just sloppy.
03:39So what are we going to do? Kill him?
03:45No.
03:49I'm going to make him think he won the lottery.
03:52How?
03:53I'm buying everybody lottery tickets, but for Ed, I'm going to pick last week's winning numbers.
04:00And then we're going to all watch a recording of last week's drawing and Ed will think we're watching it
04:04live.
04:04Oh my God, we should so do that to Nolan, too.
04:11He's standing right next to you.
04:13It doesn't matter.
04:17Oh, hi, Ed.
04:20What's your deal?
04:22You're smiling like the homeowner Lisa.
04:26Oh, yay.
04:32Hey, everybody.
04:33What's so exciting?
04:35Oh, nothing.
04:35We're just looking forward to our group bonding dinner tomorrow night.
04:39Oh, you mean the one you always pretend to have, but never do?
04:44That's the one.
04:45But tomorrow night, we're really going to do it.
04:49Well, good for you.
04:50And you, too.
04:51I just saw the press release about the big sex study you and Dr. Wales are doing.
04:55Wait, what?
04:57Press release came out?
04:58Yeah.
04:59I get alerts on everyone I know.
05:01In case someone becomes successful, I want to be able to start hating them right away.
05:07The Wales Goodson study.
05:09How interesting.
05:11She put out the press release.
05:13All by herself.
05:15How come her name's first?
05:16Is she, like, the boss?
05:18No.
05:19It's alphabetical.
05:22Are you okay?
05:23I'm fine.
05:24I'm fine.
05:25I'm absolutely fine.
05:26If you'll excuse me, I have to send somebody a text.
05:31It's not what it looks like.
05:34Why aren't you still in session?
05:36I'm shooting a text to Kate.
05:38And send.
05:48Yeah, you don't need a therapist.
05:52The button was sticking.
05:57Charlie Goodson, my God.
06:00How long has it been?
06:01Twelve years?
06:02You get more handsome every time I see you.
06:06And you're taller than me now.
06:09Yeah, I was 35 when I took your class, Dr. Murphy.
06:12I'm exactly the same height.
06:14Best developmental psychology class I ever taught.
06:17That was a very special group.
06:20Oh, except, you know, that one boy who went to school.
06:23He went on to be a serial killer.
06:26He used what I taught him to evade the police for many, many years.
06:32Now I feel better about hitting my phone with a pan.
06:35Oh, Charlie.
06:36Are you having those anger issues again?
06:40Well, that's why I'm here.
06:42I respect you as an academic,
06:43and I know you have great connections throughout the university.
06:46I thought maybe you could refer me to someone.
06:48I'd be glad to give you a name, but, you know,
06:50you should know that I've gone back into clinical practice myself,
06:54and I'm accepting new patients.
06:57Oh, oh, well, that's just, wow, that's great.
07:00We could start tomorrow.
07:02Well, if I can be honest,
07:03I'm not sure I'm comfortable talking to someone your age
07:06about, you know, everything.
07:08I was in a relationship that was very complicated in post-Cold War.
07:14Try me.
07:15Okay.
07:16It was a noncommittal, purely sexual,
07:18friends with benefits relationship.
07:21With my last therapist.
07:23And now, now we're conducting a sex study together.
07:27Oh, my.
07:29That's almost as complicated as my last patient,
07:32who was in a polyamorous, sadomasochistic, bisexual relationship
07:37with the other members of his, uh, journey tribute band.
07:43Wow.
07:44But he didn't stop believing.
07:47And you shouldn't either.
07:50Well, the music reference is dated,
07:51but you seem current on your dysfunctional relationship stuff.
07:54So, yeah, let's give it a shot.
07:56Great.
07:57How's, um, Wednesdays at two?
07:59I'll see you then.
08:01Oh.
08:02You're not leaving without a sweater.
08:04I'm just gonna walk right out to the cards.
08:06No, you're not leaving, mister, until you put something on.
08:09Well, here.
08:11Really, I'm fine.
08:12Just take it.
08:14You call me when you get home so that I know that you made it all right.
08:23Well, that was tasty, Patrick.
08:25Thank you, Ed.
08:27Although I'm surprised you went with the pasta,
08:29I figured you'd go with the rump roast.
08:35Well, on that note,
08:38we have a surprise before dessert.
08:41I bought everyone lottery tickets.
08:47I'm not even gonna look at it.
08:49The lottery's a sucker game.
08:51Besides that, I've already won the lottery.
08:53I'm a white American male.
08:56But, Ed, you always say the white American male
09:00is the most oppressed ethnic group in these here United States and Mexico.
09:05All right, I'll look at it.
09:07All right, now let's just turn on the TV.
09:11Oh, perfect.
09:12They're about to announce the numbers.
09:15I guess now we know what not to do when you find a chimp in your car.
09:20And now for tonight's lotto.
09:23We've got a big one tonight, 42 million.
09:26And the winning numbers are...
09:29Four.
09:31Fifteen.
09:33Eight.
09:34Twenty-three.
09:37Sixteen.
09:38And here's the last number.
09:40Hey, Patrick.
09:41Just because you bought the ticket doesn't mean I have to split this with you, does it?
09:45Oh, no, you don't.
09:46All the money would be yours.
09:49And...
09:51Forty-two.
09:54So, how'd everybody do?
09:56I lost.
09:57Me too.
09:59What about you, Ed?
10:00I'm a damn millionaire.
10:04You can all kiss my ass if you can catch it.
10:07I'm buying a jet ski and riding it all the way to Branson, Missouri.
10:11Out of my way, peasants.
10:22You're gonna call him tonight, right?
10:24Of course I am.
10:26Anybody have his number?
10:27Oh, no?
10:27Well, we tried.
10:32Kate, did you call the police?
10:34What?
10:34Why?
10:35Somebody stuck into our office and released a press statement that we were gonna do together.
10:39I'm sorry, Charlie.
10:41The university called and said they needed it immediately.
10:43I didn't know what to do.
10:44Yes, it must have been terribly confusing.
10:46Should I call Charlie?
10:46Should I not call Charlie?
10:48I mean, that decision alone would have cost you valuable seconds.
10:51I get it.
10:52But somebody has to take the lead on this paper, and I know you hate hearing that.
10:56If you say the word doctorate or dissertation, I swear to God, I will feed you through your own juicer.
11:01Okay.
11:02I should take the lead on this paper because I wrote a big smart thing, and I got a big
11:07smart certificate,
11:07and you should understand that, you big smart man, you.
11:14You know what?
11:15You have control issues that you need to work on with a therapist.
11:18I'll work on my issues with mine.
11:20A new therapist?
11:20Oh, good.
11:21Anyone I know?
11:22As a matter of fact, I think you do.
11:24Remember Dr. Murphy?
11:25You're kidding, right?
11:27Charlie, that woman is not in her prime.
11:29Her kids are not in their prime.
11:33She was a therapist for 25 years before she started teaching.
11:36She studied with Erickson.
11:36The woman is brilliant.
11:38I'm not saying she's not brilliant, but do you think she's a little soft?
11:41Well, there's nothing wrong with a therapist who's warm and nurturing and doesn't scare babies.
11:46Okay, that baby was skittish.
11:49I know what's going on here.
11:51You're jealous.
11:53Jealous of what?
11:53My new therapist and the fact that she may turn out to be better than you.
11:56And no, what's going on here is that you want a therapist who doesn't call you out on your crap.
12:01What you want is a mommy.
12:03Oh, that's ridiculous.
12:04I don't want my mommy.
12:05I said a mommy.
12:07I said a mommy.
12:08I'm going to go talk to my new therapist about that.
12:13She is just driving me crazy.
12:15I don't know where my anger issues began and her narcissism ends.
12:18Oh, you poor thing.
12:20You're still blaming your anger on other people.
12:22No, that's not what this is about.
12:24You're blocked.
12:26You know what you need?
12:28A nice bowl of hot oatmeal.
12:32I think we have different definitions of blocked.
12:35We've got instant and we've got some hot water here.
12:39Mmm.
12:41Apple cinnamon.
12:43Thank you, Dr. Murphy, but I'm really not hungry.
12:46Well, are you tired?
12:48Maybe you should take a little nap.
12:50You've got bags under your eyes.
12:52Sit.
12:54Sit.
12:56Now you need to put your head on my shoulder.
12:58Take a little sushi.
13:00A sushi?
13:01Yeah.
13:02Close your eyes and relax for as long as you want.
13:06I have all day.
13:09What about your other patients?
13:10Don't worry about them, dear.
13:12I don't have any other patients.
13:20I'm sorry, Sam, but we are through talking about belly rings.
13:24Mom, please.
13:24I'm begging.
13:25I'm done talking about this.
13:27I'm getting the belly ring.
13:29Dad, will you please talk to her?
13:32Why can't you just get giant fake boobs like a normal mom?
13:35You know what?
13:36That might be nice.
13:37With my belly ring.
13:39Why?
13:40Why?
13:45Whoa.
13:47$600 speeding ticket?
13:48What did you do?
13:49Cut through a playground?
13:51No, 30 to 25.
13:54And the cop asked if I knew why I was being pulled over.
13:56And I said, because it's easier than tracking down real criminals.
14:01And then for some reason, it just went downhill after that.
14:05You having anger problems again?
14:07Sort of.
14:08I overslept at my new therapist.
14:10And I was late for an appointment with Kate, so she made another big decision without me.
14:14Wait, go back.
14:15You were sleeping at your therapist?
14:17And you pay for this?
14:19I'm going to go out and buy a bunch of futons and open up a mental health center.
14:24This is not going to work out with this woman, and I don't know how to tell her.
14:27Well, you just say what I said when I broke up with you.
14:30I'm sorry, but I no longer require your services.
14:33It's not that easy.
14:34She's in her 80s.
14:35And if I quit going, there's nothing in her future except an empty room and a shower with a chair
14:38in it.
14:40Oh, well, you're stuck.
14:41My guy in college is 95.
14:44Sometimes I think my visits are the only thing keeping him alive.
14:48Well?
14:49Has anybody heard from Ed yet?
14:51I mean, he must be really upset.
14:53I know. Isn't this fun?
14:55I wish I could have seen his face when he tried to cash in his ticket.
14:58I bet his eyebrows were all scrunched and he was all frowny and mad and,
15:04you know, pretty much just his regular face.
15:08I did it!
15:09I left my wife!
15:13Oh, my God, you did what?
15:14Yeah, I wanted to be smart, so after consulting LegalZoom.com,
15:18I decided to make the break before she could claim any of this baby.
15:23You didn't try to cash it in yet?
15:25No, no, I'm on my way to pick up my winnings now.
15:27I just stopped by to say goodbye and take a picture of all of you
15:31before I do my island shopping.
15:35Ed, sit down.
15:38No, no, I don't need therapy anymore.
15:41You know those people that say money can't buy happiness?
15:44Well, those people aren't welcome on my island.
15:50Ed, you didn't win.
15:52The ticket is fake.
15:54What are you talking about? The numbers match the one on television.
15:57We showed you the recording from last week's lottery.
16:02You were all in on this?
16:04Well, Patrick thought it would be a funny joke.
16:07I tried desperately to stop him.
16:09I'll never forget, when he told us what he was going to do,
16:12he was standing right here by this door.
16:16You thought this would be funny?
16:20I left my wife.
16:22I said horrible things.
16:25I've got no place to live.
16:27I never meant to hurt you.
16:30Okay, I meant to hurt you.
16:32But I never meant to do anything that would make me feel bad.
16:39I made these last night.
16:41You'll like them.
16:42I use my secret ingredient.
16:44Don't tell me.
16:45Love?
16:46And a sprinkle of understanding.
16:50Look, Dr. Murphy,
16:52as much as I appreciate the cookies and the oatmeal,
16:55the naps,
16:57and all the other nice things you do that make me feel
17:00radically uncomfortable,
17:03I have to terminate our therapy.
17:05All right, all right.
17:06I think I need to explain what I've been doing.
17:09You're trying to make me a big, strong boy, I know.
17:11But my mother already did that.
17:13No, it's not about that, Charlie.
17:17You have serious trust issues.
17:20So I adopted a maternal persona
17:23based on Freudian, Oedipal techniques
17:26that I pioneered to help strengthen your trust more quickly
17:31so that we could move forward.
17:33My God, that makes perfect sense.
17:36I can't wait to tell Kate how wrong she was about you and I not being a good fit.
17:40Kate who?
17:41Yeah, Kate Wales.
17:42You probably don't remember her.
17:43She was in one of your classes a long time ago.
17:45Oh, of course.
17:46I remember Kate Wales.
17:47I advised her on her doctoral dissertation.
17:50And I think I know why she wouldn't want you to see me.
17:55What do you mean?
17:56I'm not comfortable saying this out loud, but frankly, she may have P-L-A-G-I-A-R-I
18:07-Z-E-D.
18:09I got that she eyes something. I just, I forgot the beginning.
18:13She plagiarized parts of her doctoral dissertation.
18:17My God, so you're saying she cheated. That's awful.
18:21How about you hook me up with a glass of milk for these cookies and tell me everything.
18:28Sorry, I'm late. Did you see my note?
18:31Yes, I did.
18:34Had to run an errand. Be back soon.
18:37You expect me to believe you came up with this by yourself?
18:40Did you fall down in the bathroom?
18:44I don't know.
18:46Let's do some cognitive tests.
18:48Ask me if I remember what PhD stands for.
18:51Oh, wait. I know.
18:53Plagiarized her dissertation.
18:55I guess I am okay.
18:56Actually, I'm much, much better.
18:59All right.
19:00I know what Murphy said, and I knew she would blow this out of proportion, so let me explain.
19:04So you did plagiarize. That's why you didn't want me to see her.
19:06That's not the only reason.
19:07I mean, she's still ancient.
19:08If you took away her support hose, her legs would crumble like blue cheese.
19:13I can't believe this.
19:15No, it is not what you think.
19:16I was going through a really bad time.
19:18My mom went off her meds and had to be hospitalized again.
19:21It was two lousy paragraphs about ethics.
19:24I know the irony, blah, blah, blah, blah.
19:28Wow, wow.
19:29You are really perceptive for someone who may or may not be a psychologist.
19:34I am a psychologist.
19:36It was only the first draft, and as soon as I had a chance, I rewrote the whole thing,
19:41and the doctoral panel said it was the best dissertation they had read.
19:46Okay. Okay. I understand.
19:47I just need you to agree that we're partners on this study. Equal partners.
19:51Fine.
19:52By the way, did I tell you what PhD stands for?
19:55Yes, Charlie.
19:56Because I was really excited when I came up with it.
19:58I had to pull the car over.
20:03Listen, I don't usually do this kind of thing.
20:09And it's fine that you stayed the night, but I have a really busy day today, so you should probably
20:16go home now.
20:17Afraid not.
20:21And my wife takes me back.
20:24I'm living here on your dime.
20:26Listen.
20:28Tonight, I'm gonna need you to turn me over about halfway through the night.
20:33Otherwise, I might drown in my own saliva.
20:42How are we feeling today?
20:44Doing okay.
20:46But I'm a little confused.
20:47I feel like you kind of misled me about the whole Kate Wales thing.
20:50It was only two paragraphs, and she rewrote them.
20:53You know, Charlie, I don't think this is about plagiarism.
20:56I think this is about trust between you and me.
21:00And I think we should reestablish our connection in a much deeper way.
21:07You know, there are some things only a mother can provide.
21:15Hey, you know what?
21:16I think I'm cured.
21:29I think this is the ballroom.
21:32You know, it's your rep
21:34Exactly.
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