- 21 hours ago
Charlie and Sean and The Battle of The Exes
Charlie finally gives in and tries to help Sean reconnect with Jen, but after Jen reiterates how much she "hates, hates, hates" Sean, she sleeps with Charlie. Sean is angered, but appears to rebound when Jordan reveals the two are dating. When Jen wants to know more about the woman Sean is dating, Charlie realizes Sean is just using Jordan to make Jen jealous. Meanwhile, Patrick is convinced his good looks make it impossible for him to meet anyone other than shallow men, so he has Lacey and Nolan "ugly" him up for a night out.
Charlie finally gives in and tries to help Sean reconnect with Jen, but after Jen reiterates how much she "hates, hates, hates" Sean, she sleeps with Charlie. Sean is angered, but appears to rebound when Jordan reveals the two are dating. When Jen wants to know more about the woman Sean is dating, Charlie realizes Sean is just using Jordan to make Jen jealous. Meanwhile, Patrick is convinced his good looks make it impossible for him to meet anyone other than shallow men, so he has Lacey and Nolan "ugly" him up for a night out.
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TVTranscript
00:02Patrick, you seem pretty pissed today. What's going on?
00:06Pissed? I'm not pissed.
00:08Everyone always thinks I'm so dramatic.
00:10There's always something wrong with Patrick.
00:11Well, I'm sorry, folks. No show today.
00:15All right. Lacey, what's going on with you?
00:17I am dying of loneliness.
00:20Ah, there it is.
00:22The matinee performance of Oklahoma.
00:26I can't find anyone of any substance.
00:30Every guy I go out with turns out to be a superficial idiot.
00:33The last guy thought PBS was a peanut butter sandwich.
00:38That's dumb. Everyone knows it's Pat's blue ribbon.
00:42I'll have a PBS.
00:45That's not even the same letters.
00:47He's right, Lacey. PBS is a delivery service.
00:51No, that's UPS.
00:52Yes. Actually, I was thinking of FedEx.
00:57Okay. Not even one initial.
01:01Patrick, I get that you're frustrated,
01:03but why do you think this keeps happening?
01:05I know this is going to sound horrible,
01:07but the reason superficial men are attracted to me is...
01:12I'm too good-looking.
01:14Wow, that must have been really hard for you to admit.
01:18I understand you, Patrick.
01:20I, too, suffer from incredible hotness.
01:24It's a curse.
01:26Everyone's attracted to this, not this.
01:30You know what?
01:31That gives me an idea for an interesting experiment.
01:34Putting a dog in a wind tunnel?
01:36Great idea.
01:37You think they'll like it,
01:39but let's see if they really like it.
01:42I'm talking about changing Patrick's appearance.
01:45If you make yourself unattractive,
01:46you'll know that people are interested in you
01:48and not just your looks.
01:50Oh, let me help you be unattractive.
01:52I've done this before.
01:53For one week,
01:55I went to a club without lashes or heels,
01:57and every guy I slept with
01:58was really into me for me.
02:01Hey, I took a special effects makeup class in college.
02:04I can make a real-looking ugly nose.
02:07And Ed can give you one of his real-looking ugly shirts.
02:11Hey!
02:13Well, I guess I do have something laying around.
02:16You gotta pick your battles.
02:21There you are.
02:23What the hell are you doing here?
02:24If you're not going to come to the office,
02:26I'm going to bring the office to you.
02:28Look at how much work is piled up
02:29since you started slacking off.
02:34Uh,
02:36these are all blank.
02:38Yeah, I know.
02:39I wanted to make a dramatic statement,
02:41but it's hard when everything's digital.
02:44Look at how much work is piled up
02:45since you started slacking off.
02:48I get it.
02:51So should I lose this in the couch cushion now
02:53or let it happen naturally?
02:55Hey, Charlie, you got a second?
02:58Oh, hey, Sean, Jordan.
02:59You do remember each other, right?
03:00Of course.
03:02Uh, no.
03:04But you remember me,
03:05and I totally get that.
03:09Well, I've got work to do.
03:10So do you.
03:11Maybe between making forts
03:13and looking at porn,
03:14you could stop by the office.
03:17If we had a table side of it,
03:18we could make an awesome fort.
03:20Yeah, that's where we could watch our porn.
03:26So what's the deal with you and...
03:27Jordan, you guys, uh...
03:32Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
03:34She's too...
03:37because of all the...
03:39makes me just wanna...
03:44Hey, so where do we stand
03:44with the whole Jen thing?
03:46Did you put in a good word for me yet?
03:47Sorry, I just don't see Jen
03:48as the right pick for you.
03:50Tell you what,
03:51you forget about Jen
03:51and I'll throw in two IHOP waitresses
03:53and a part-time lesbian letter carrier
03:55to a name later.
03:58Cheryl, I already banged her.
04:00Oh, come on, brah.
04:02Jen and I have an incredible connection.
04:04I'm just...
04:04I'm worried that somebody else
04:05is gonna grab her up before I do.
04:08Cheating on her
04:09is the dumbest thing I've ever done.
04:11Other than that time
04:12you ziplanned across that bonfire
04:14wearing a marshmallow suit.
04:16That was a great night.
04:17One of the best.
04:19Please just put in a word for me.
04:20I'll never ask again.
04:22Fine.
04:23But if she's insane enough
04:24to take you back,
04:25and you cheat on her again,
04:27I will hunt you down,
04:28kill you,
04:29and leave you to rot
04:30in the porn fort.
04:36This was a great idea, Charlie.
04:38Exactly what I needed.
04:40Margarita Monday.
04:42It's Thursday.
04:43Even better.
04:45This is so nice
04:47seeing you exes get along.
04:48My first husband was so bitter
04:50he drove off with the house.
04:52You lived in a trailer?
04:53No.
04:58I can't thank you enough
04:59for getting me out.
05:00My social life is a wreck.
05:02I keep going out
05:03with all these one-day dorks.
05:05At this rate,
05:05I'm never gonna get laid again.
05:08I might have a solution for you.
05:09What?
05:09Have sex on the first date.
05:11Charlie!
05:12I'm joking.
05:13But I do have someone
05:14in mind for you,
05:15and you already know him.
05:16Oh, yeah?
05:17Tell me more about him.
05:20Well, you're probably gonna say no.
05:22Don't be so sure.
05:24Okay.
05:25Sean!
05:28Well, you didn't say no.
05:30I hate him.
05:31I hate him.
05:32I hate him.
05:32I hate him.
05:34I hate him.
05:36Look, I have mixed feelings
05:37about him, too.
05:40But he asked me to talk to you.
05:42He really wants to see you again.
05:43Forget it!
05:44The only women
05:45who'd want Sean
05:46are screwed-up party girls
05:47with no self-esteem.
05:49Besides,
05:50I thought you were talking
05:50about someone else.
05:52Who?
05:54You.
05:55Me?
05:57I knew you were gonna say me.
05:58I just thought I'd act surprised.
06:00What's the big deal?
06:02We hooked up that one time
06:03a couple months ago.
06:04That was pretty good.
06:05I'm down for that again.
06:08Aren't you?
06:10No.
06:21I bet that seems sexier
06:22in your head.
06:24Really good.
06:28Let's go back to my place.
06:30But we cannot tell Sean.
06:32Why are you cheating on him?
06:34A little.
06:37All right,
06:38we're gonna talk about anger
06:39and racial intolerance.
06:41The sign around your neck
06:42represents the race
06:42you're gonna be
06:43for today's session.
06:44I think we're very
06:45racially tolerant in here.
06:47You know,
06:47last week you called
06:48someone a beaner.
06:50Manifesto,
06:51you used the word chinky.
06:53And Wayne,
06:53your manifesto
06:54on keeping the white race
06:55pure is a jailhouse
06:56bestseller.
06:58I used to be
06:59a white supremacist.
07:01Then I was just
07:01proud to be white.
07:03And I'll be happy
07:04if there's still
07:04white people around
07:05in 50 years.
07:07Well, that's a slightly
07:08healthier attitude.
07:09Yeah, I mean,
07:10with all these Mexicans
07:12humping and pumping
07:13out babies...
07:13Oh, don't you talk
07:14about my people that way.
07:15We are proud descendants
07:16of Aztecan warriors.
07:19We can't have it
07:19if we want to make love
07:20and sleep all day.
07:23You better watch
07:23what you're saying
07:24about Mexicans.
07:25What are you worried about?
07:27You're Asian.
07:30Yeah, I get the feeling
07:31he's one of those Asians
07:31that loves Mexicans.
07:33Yeah, that's exactly
07:34what I am.
07:35And if he says
07:36stuff like that again,
07:37I will kung fu
07:38his Mexican black ass.
07:42All right, well,
07:42this was a complete
07:43train wreck.
07:45Experiment's over.
07:45Turn it in your signs.
07:47You don't know
07:48what it's like
07:49in prison, Charlie.
07:50Your race defines you.
07:51It helps you survive.
07:53You're just a white guy
07:54living on the outside.
07:56Yeah.
07:57What's the biggest problem
07:58you've had
07:58in the last 24 hours?
08:00You want to help?
08:01I'm having sex
08:02with my ex-wife,
08:03and I'm just worried
08:04that if my buddy
08:05who really likes her
08:06finds out
08:06that it's kind of
08:07hurt his feelings.
08:12You are so white, bro.
08:15Maybe you should discuss
08:16this with your friends
08:17at the bank.
08:18What do you think
08:19at the bank?
08:20He's funny.
08:21He's gonna find out, Charlie.
08:23It's just a matter of time.
08:24And the longer you wait
08:26to tell him,
08:27the worse it's gonna get.
08:28Just find a way
08:29to soften the blow.
08:30Like when they give you
08:31your last meal
08:32before they put you
08:33in the electric chair.
08:34You're thinking,
08:34oh, crap, I'm gonna die.
08:35Oh, boy,
08:36sounds like a steak.
08:38You're right.
08:39I'll talk to him tomorrow.
08:40It's just stupid
08:41for me to sit around
08:41waiting for him
08:42to get hit by a car.
08:44You want me to make a call?
08:47Our kind's
08:48gotta stick together.
08:54Man, gay bars
08:55are really cool.
08:56Everybody's friendly,
08:57the music's good,
08:58and the bathroom
08:59attendants
09:00are really helpful.
09:01There are no
09:02bathroom attendants.
09:03Well, whoever that was,
09:05my shoulders
09:06feel a whole lot better.
09:08Can we go now?
09:13I think I've learned a lot.
09:15No one's gonna love me
09:16for me,
09:16and I'm gonna die alone.
09:18Maybe you need to just
09:19put yourself out there
09:20a little more.
09:21People are probably
09:22just intimidated by you.
09:24I bet that's what you tell
09:25all your ugly friends.
09:26Oh, I totally do.
09:28But then when they take
09:28my advice
09:29and get out there...
09:30They humiliate themselves
09:31and go home alone?
09:33Yeah, but I did my part,
09:34so I feel great.
09:37That's it.
09:37I'm done.
09:40You're not leaving, are you?
09:41I was just gonna come over
09:42and talk to you.
09:44You want to talk to me.
09:46Have you seen this?
09:48Oh, no, you're blind.
09:51No, no, I just saw you
09:53and your smile
09:54and I thought,
09:54this guy's got a nice vibe.
09:56I'd like to meet him.
09:58I'd like to think
09:59that I am a nice guy.
10:01Let me just go
10:02say goodbye to my friends.
10:06Get the hell out of here,
10:07losers, you're crowding me.
10:12Hey, I've got your text.
10:13What's up?
10:15Ooh.
10:16Well, that's a really
10:17nice table, son.
10:18Yeah, I went over to Home Depot
10:19to pick up a roll of duct tape
10:20and a light bulb
10:22and I saw this and I thought,
10:23didn't Sean mention
10:24that he wanted one of these?
10:26So I bought it for you.
10:29That's weird.
10:29What are you doing?
10:32Hey, look,
10:32I talked to Jen.
10:34I can't remember exactly
10:35what she said,
10:36but it was something like,
10:37I hate him, I hate him,
10:38I hate him, I hate him,
10:38I hate him, I hate him.
10:40There was something else.
10:42Oh, yeah.
10:43I hate him.
10:47And you felt bad for me,
10:48so you bought me a table saw.
10:50No, I felt bad for you
10:51after I had sex with her
10:52and then I bought you a table saw.
10:54Let's make something.
10:57Oh, you were supposed
10:58to be talking to Jen for me
10:59and you ended up
11:00having sex with her?
11:01Yeah, but I talked
11:02about you first.
11:03You know what?
11:05I have to be cool with it, right?
11:07I mean, she is your ex-wife.
11:10So we're good?
11:12Yeah.
11:13It's love and war, man.
11:14She made her choice.
11:16We're great.
11:18You know what?
11:19No, we're not.
11:19We're not great.
11:21And I will not be bought out
11:22with a table saw.
11:24What about a riding mower?
11:25No.
11:27You broke the bra code, bro.
11:30I think you mean
11:31you broke the bro code, bra.
11:33I'm sorry,
11:34but you said it yourself.
11:35She made a choice.
11:36You were the only dude
11:37that was there.
11:38That's not a choice, man.
11:39That's communism.
11:42Are you accusing me
11:43of being a communist?
11:45You know what?
11:45She's going to make
11:46a choice again,
11:47and this time
11:47she's going to choose me.
11:49So you hang on
11:50to your table saw
11:51for that broken heart
11:52because it is going to need
11:53some mending.
11:55What a table saw cuts things.
11:56Shut your face.
11:59You know what I mean.
12:02All right.
12:03Well, if you don't want it,
12:04I'll just have to return it.
12:05I still want it.
12:06See?
12:07I shouldn't have said that
12:08because now you're probably
12:09going to have sex with it,
12:10aren't you?
12:13Hey.
12:15Oh, I guess you're
12:16waltzing in here
12:16at three in the afternoon
12:17because you spent all morning
12:19reading the report I wrote.
12:20Well, I read the first few words
12:21and fell asleep.
12:23I hit my head at the keyboard
12:24and generated a series
12:25of random letters
12:26that were far more compelling
12:27than anything you wrote.
12:29That's because you missed
12:30a couple special words
12:31I put in there
12:32just for you.
12:33They start with B
12:34and end with Lomi.
12:36See, if you started
12:37with a zinger like that,
12:38I might have stayed awake.
12:41Well, have fun
12:42rewriting it by yourself tonight
12:44because I have a date.
12:46Oh, yeah?
12:47What's his name?
12:48Does it start with an S
12:49and end with
12:50taying at home with my cat?
12:53As a matter of fact,
12:54it does start with an S.
12:55I'm going out
12:55with your friend Sean tonight.
12:57Excuse me?
12:57Yeah, I ran into him
12:58a few days ago at Starbucks.
13:00Sean didn't run into you.
13:01He's a predator.
13:02He ran into you
13:03like a hungry wolf
13:05runs into a chipper,
13:06blonde, little alcoholic bunny.
13:09So he's pursuing me.
13:10What's wrong with that?
13:12Has he slept with you?
13:13No, that doesn't happen
13:14until the third date,
13:15which is tonight.
13:17He's been a complete gentleman.
13:18A complete gentleman
13:19who's going to hump you
13:20and dump you
13:21and you're going to get hurt.
13:22The last thing I need
13:22is to come into work
13:23and listen to you cry
13:24any more than you already do.
13:26You know what?
13:27I'm a smart bunny
13:28and I know the difference
13:29between a wolf
13:30and a good guy.
13:32Now, goodbye.
13:33I have to get ready.
13:34Sean is coming over tonight
13:37and he's going to have
13:38intimate knowledge of my body
13:39and then we're going to stare
13:40into each other's eyes
13:40until the sun comes up.
13:42Yeah, if you want him
13:43to stay that long,
13:44you better have intimate knowledge
13:44about to tie him to the bed.
13:50You know,
13:50I know we've only known
13:52each other a couple days,
13:53but I feel like
13:54you're the first person
13:56who really knows who I am.
13:57You know what's funny?
13:59The other night when we met,
14:00I'd almost given up
14:01on finding somebody real.
14:02And I met you.
14:04I am so real.
14:08To us.
14:13Oh, you got a little something
14:15with your, uh...
14:20So you want to go back to my place?
14:23Your nose is, uh...
14:25What the hell's going on
14:26with your nose?
14:28Oh, my God.
14:29Oh, my God.
14:29I am so sorry.
14:30You weren't supposed
14:31to find out like this.
14:33Find out what?
14:37I'm handsome.
14:43Why would you do this?
14:44My therapist told me
14:46to dress like this
14:47because I said
14:48I wanted to meet someone
14:50who didn't hit on me
14:50just because I'm
14:51so good-looking.
14:55My therapist told me
14:56to only approach
14:57unattractive men
14:58because I said
14:58I wanted to meet
14:59someone of substance
14:59instead of the pretty boys
15:00I'm always chasing.
15:02So, you're superficial?
15:04Oh, big time.
15:06That's why I never
15:06tried to kiss you.
15:07You were so ugly.
15:08Oh, I know.
15:09I didn't kiss you.
15:10You were crazy.
15:11Yes.
15:14We are both
15:14such terrible people.
15:15I know.
15:15We have so much in common.
15:17You don't look too close.
15:19We're perfect for each other.
15:20Wait, what kind of car
15:21do you drive?
15:22Porsche I can't afford.
15:23Oh, my God.
15:23You are amazing.
15:27All right.
15:28Sex time.
15:28Upstairs.
15:29Move it.
15:31Whoa, whoa, whoa.
15:31That's it?
15:32What, am I?
15:33A piece of meat?
15:33You want romance?
15:34I got beer.
15:35I got Funyuns.
15:37Let's do this.
15:39Excellent.
15:40Bring those Funyuns upstairs.
15:40I have an idea.
15:45Oh, God.
15:47Sean.
15:48Hey, I know stuff's
15:50been weird with us,
15:51but Charlie introduced
15:52me to someone,
15:53and it's serious,
15:55so I won't be
15:56bothering you anymore.
15:57Hope we can be friends.
15:59Smiley face.
16:00Wait, wait, wait.
16:00He actually wrote out
16:01the words
16:02smiley face.
16:04Emoticons confuse him.
16:05God, he's such an idiot,
16:07and why does he even think
16:08I care about him
16:09being with another girl?
16:10I don't know.
16:11I told him you weren't
16:11interested.
16:12Not interested.
16:13I hate him.
16:14So who is she?
16:15Is she prettier than me?
16:17What?
16:18Nobody can answer
16:19a question like that.
16:20I'd never ask you
16:20if Sean was better
16:21looking than me.
16:22He is.
16:23You see?
16:23You see?
16:24There are no answers
16:24to these questions.
16:26So she's pretty,
16:27and you introduced them.
16:29She's just this doctor
16:30that I was forced
16:30to work with on the study.
16:31She's a doctor?
16:32Not some skanky stripper
16:34covered in tattoos?
16:36Oh, my God.
16:37So she's real
16:38girlfriend material.
16:40That's it.
16:42That's why Sean's
16:43dating Jordan.
16:44He wants to make you jealous.
16:45That bastard.
16:46And I wasn't jealous.
16:49Now she's going to
16:50throw herself at him
16:51and be totally humiliated.
16:52Give me your phone.
16:52Why?
16:53Because I am not going
16:54to be on Smarter
16:54by a guy who doesn't
16:55understand emoticons.
17:21You're early, baby.
17:23I hope you're hungry.
17:25I just shaved dessert.
17:29Wow.
17:33Charlie, what are you
17:35doing here?
17:35I'm getting ready for Sean.
17:36He's going to be here
17:36any minute.
17:37That's exactly why I'm here.
17:41Look, you cannot sleep
17:42with Sean tonight.
17:43I can prove that he's
17:44using you, and holy crap,
17:46what's with all the horses?
17:49What?
17:49I like horses.
17:50I hope so.
17:51Otherwise, you're in a full
17:52gallop to crazy acres.
17:55Look, I finally figured out
17:57why Sean's seeing you.
17:59Me too.
17:59He likes horses.
18:00He told me last night.
18:01No.
18:03See this phone?
18:03Belongs to my ex-wife.
18:05That's who's ice he really
18:06wants to shave.
18:08What is that supposed to mean?
18:10Oh.
18:13You.
18:14He's using you
18:16to make her jealous
18:17to get her back.
18:17Look at the text he wrote.
18:20Oh, he says we're serious.
18:22That is so sweet.
18:26Okay, all right.
18:27Let's see what happens
18:28when Jennifer sends him this.
18:30Get over here right now.
18:31I want you back.
18:33How do you do a winky face?
18:34Yeah, I'll just spell it out.
18:38This is insane.
18:45Hi.
18:47Are those for me?
18:50Baby, I am so sorry.
18:51I just got a text
18:53from my grandma, Rose.
18:58And she just got
18:59in a horrible car accident.
19:01Your grandma texted you.
19:03That's how she got
19:04in the accident.
19:07I'm going to take these
19:08to the hospital.
19:09It's probably...
19:09I'll call you, okay?
19:19Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
19:21It's okay.
19:25Can I see that phone?
19:27Sure.
19:31Hey, it's Jen.
19:33Changed my mind.
19:34Too horny to wait.
19:35Meet me at the corner
19:36of Lancashire and Roscoe.
19:38Wait in your car.
19:39Naked.
19:42What's that going to do?
19:43Nothing.
19:44Until I call the cops
19:45and tell them there's
19:45a naked guy in his car
19:46on the corner
19:47of Lancashire and Roscoe.
19:54Hey.
19:55Hey.
20:00So, I just got out of jail.
20:06Gordon?
20:11Very clever.
20:13Rather large group
20:15of parishioners
20:16from Our Lady
20:16of Let's All Look
20:17at Sean's Package.
20:20They got a pretty full show
20:23when the cops
20:23pulled me out of the car.
20:27That was all Jordan.
20:28But the first text
20:29from Jennifer.
20:30That was all me.
20:34Sugar?
20:35Yeah.
20:41Truce?
20:43Truce.
20:44Listen, Jordan
20:45sent me a text
20:46and I want your honest opinion.
20:48Now, she said
20:49that she really misses me
20:50and that she can get over
20:51what happened,
20:53but I need to get naked,
20:54handcuff myself to my bed,
20:56and leave the front door unlocked.
20:59Well, I'm not surprised.
21:00Said she really liked you.
21:03Cool.
21:03See you later.
21:07This is a trap, isn't it?
21:08Yep.
21:12I'm going to take my chances.
21:13I'm going to take my chances.
21:14I'm going to take my chances.
21:25I'm going to take my chances.
21:29Ha ha ha.
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