- 8 minutes ago
Charlie and Kate Do It For Money
When Charlie and Kate have to make a pitch for new funding for their study, the coordinator, Lisa (Michaela Watkins), hints that a meeting outside the office might "seal the deal". Charlie reluctantly agrees to see her, but finds out Lisa is gay and is attracted to Kate, who equally reluctantly agrees to see her. Kate discovers that Lisa's male boss makes the final decisions. Nolan meets someone online that turns out to be a 10-year-old girl who begins blackmailing him, so Lacey offers to help.
When Charlie and Kate have to make a pitch for new funding for their study, the coordinator, Lisa (Michaela Watkins), hints that a meeting outside the office might "seal the deal". Charlie reluctantly agrees to see her, but finds out Lisa is gay and is attracted to Kate, who equally reluctantly agrees to see her. Kate discovers that Lisa's male boss makes the final decisions. Nolan meets someone online that turns out to be a 10-year-old girl who begins blackmailing him, so Lacey offers to help.
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TVTranscript
00:02Nolan, you haven't said anything for the last 30 minutes.
00:04You've just been sitting there smiling.
00:06Yeah.
00:08Okay, the last time this happened,
00:10you'd been up for 48 straight hours smoking
00:11and watching a Tom and Jerry marathon.
00:13According to the listings, there was no such marathon.
00:17Yeah.
00:18Which means you would probably be watching a real cat
00:20chasing a real mouse around your apartment
00:21for two days.
00:24I'm not happy because I'm high.
00:26I'm happy because I started dating somebody online.
00:29I mean, we haven't met yet,
00:30but she's a great girl,
00:32and her name is Stacy.
00:34Yeah, it's a black dude.
00:38No, she's a 28-year-old blonde doctor
00:40who also models.
00:42Oh, and her family has front row seats
00:44to all the big sporting events.
00:46Okay, so it's a morbidly obese insurance salesman
00:49who may or may not be a cannibal.
00:53Oh, yeah, smart guy?
00:55Then how do you explain this picture?
00:57Oh, so it's a morbidly obese cannibal
00:59who used somebody else's picture.
01:02Nolan, when something online sounds too good to be true,
01:05it usually is.
01:06Except for the soda strain,
01:08which really does turn your kitchen
01:09into an old-fashioned malt shop.
01:13So, let's talk about this date.
01:17Well, I'm meeting her for dessert tomorrow
01:19at Yummy Time Yogurt.
01:21Yummy Time?
01:22Oh, my God, the guy thinks you're a 12-year-old.
01:26I say we should all hope for the best for Nolan.
01:29Thank you, Ed.
01:29And tomorrow night,
01:30I think we should all get together afterwards
01:32to see if Nolan escape from this cannibalistic pedophile.
01:37Hello?
01:38Hey.
01:40I am so glad you're back.
01:42I cannot watch these two people have sex anymore.
01:44She's the hairiest woman I've ever seen.
01:47And he's shaved everywhere.
01:49It's like watching a giant baby rolling around in a bearskin rug.
01:55I've got bad news.
01:56They cut the funding for our study.
01:58But what?
01:59Why?
02:00The university cut their budget.
02:01We weren't a priority.
02:02Apparently, the tight asses on the grant committee
02:04think that helping children walk
02:06is more important than our casual sex research.
02:09Don't they realize that after these kids start walking
02:11that they're gonna want casual sex, too?
02:14The worst part is, they shut us down,
02:17but the guys showing porn to the raccoons across the hall
02:19are still in business.
02:21It's not even a real study.
02:22It's just two frat guys with a laptop and a pet raccoon.
02:26So what should we do?
02:28It took us four years to find funding in the first place.
02:30I guess we might just have to pack it in
02:33and go back to working separately.
02:38Yeah.
02:40Yeah.
02:43Or we could find somebody else to fund us.
02:46That is exactly what we'll do.
02:48Our research is way too important.
02:50So until somebody forces us out of these chairs,
02:53we're gonna sit here and do our job.
02:55Hm.
02:57Oh, God, Charlie, that woman is hairy.
03:01Bet the raccoon would love this.
03:10Hello.
03:11Charlie Goodson.
03:12Hearing about the grant for the Goodson Whale study.
03:14Please have a seat.
03:15We'll be with you shortly.
03:16Thank you, Lisa.
03:17Please keep me updated on the status of things.
03:21Perfect.
03:23Ah.
03:23Little Charlie Goodson.
03:25Hello, Debbie.
03:28Leslie.
03:28Yeah, that's better.
03:31So, I haven't seen you since you tried to steal my lady friend away.
03:34No.
03:34No.
03:35Hope was my lady friend and you tried to steal her away from me.
03:38That is the last time I've used the term lady friend.
03:42Calm down, old boy.
03:44You know, for an anger management therapist,
03:46you certainly have a short willy.
03:48That's what we call a fuse in England.
03:51As far as you know.
03:53Good luck with the grant.
04:01Sorry I'm late.
04:03Where's your tie?
04:04Yeah, I'm not wearing one.
04:06Is it a problem?
04:07No.
04:08No.
04:08People love giving grant money to lounge singers.
04:12I'm sorry.
04:13I'm a little nervous.
04:14We're running out of places that will fund us.
04:16This is our best shot.
04:17I know.
04:17Now we have some major competition.
04:19I just ran into this big shot psychopharmacologist.
04:21I can't stand this guy.
04:22Now it turns out he might be going for the same grant.
04:25Was he wearing a tie?
04:27Was he wearing a tie?
04:30Yes.
04:30Damn it.
04:33Thanks so much for coming in here to discuss your study.
04:41The work you're doing is very interesting.
04:47I will definitely be giving it some serious consideration this weekend.
04:57So, you will?
05:00Well, yes, of course.
05:02I mean, what else am I going to do?
05:04I'm not seeing anyone else right now.
05:08Or for the last two years.
05:13I don't see why not.
05:14You have a lovely and persistent laugh.
05:23Well, anyway, we just think it would be a waste to stop the project now.
05:27I mean, we've come so far.
05:28I know.
05:30And coming in here and having to beg for money is the worst.
05:33I mean, if you could be doing your research right now, you'd be doing that instead.
05:39Right?
05:43You'd be doing anything instead.
05:47So, I think we covered everything.
05:50And I want you to know, I like anything about sex.
05:59Well, I used to.
06:00Now I just miss it.
06:01So, if you need to reach me, call me anytime, day, or night.
06:19We will be in touch.
06:21Bye.
06:21Bye-bye.
06:28Will you please drop it?
06:30I'm not going out with her.
06:32Do you want to get that grant or not?
06:34Well, of course I do.
06:36Come on, Kate.
06:37I have my limits.
06:39She's like a laughing hyena on laughing gas at a comedy club.
06:44Do you see where I'm going with this?
06:46Charlie, it wasn't that bad.
06:48She practically threw herself at you.
06:51It was that bad, and I practically threw myself out the window.
06:55Charlie, if we want this money, you have to go out with her, wine her, dine her, do whatever it
06:59takes.
07:00Wait.
07:02You're not suggesting...
07:03Oh, yes, I am suggesting.
07:06You're pushing me to have sex with her?
07:08I am not pushing.
07:09I'm just going to keep suggesting it until you come to it on your own.
07:14Kate, you know me, and you know how I feel about sex.
07:17The only reason to be doing it is for making babies.
07:21They're practicing.
07:23It's in the Bible.
07:25No one else is in the Bible?
07:27Well, to lay with her and know her until it begets a grant.
07:33I mean, isn't this research project and continuing to work with me important to you?
07:42Okay, fine.
07:43I'll do it.
07:46Hopefully, she has some wild fantasy about doing it at the airport with a baggage handler
07:51so I can wear those giant headphones.
08:02Dr. Stacy, give me the news.
08:04I got a bad case of lovin' you.
08:09Well, we tried.
08:10Guess that didn't work out.
08:12You must be Nolan.
08:15Who are you?
08:16I'm Stacy.
08:19Please tell me this is one of these freaky Friday things where you switch bodies with your mom.
08:24Nope.
08:25You made the whole thing up.
08:27I feel so stupid.
08:28Everybody said it was too good to be true.
08:30Buy me a large cup of strawberry yogurt.
08:32Are you kidding?
08:33Forget it.
08:33I'm going home.
08:34No, you're not.
08:35Tomorrow, we're going bike shopping.
08:37And next week, we're hitting the Apple Store.
08:39Why would I do that?
08:40Because if you don't, I'm going to tell my dad that you've been talking to me online.
08:44He's going to call the cops on you.
08:46Do you want sprinkles of that yogurt?
08:51Club sandwich.
08:55Oh, crab cakes.
08:59Vegetables.
09:00Or fruit.
09:03Yeah.
09:05You know, Charlie, I am so happy that you called and asked me to dinner.
09:10Um, so you and Kate, are you a couple?
09:15Well, we're not together, but we're definitely a couple of people.
09:20Really? Nothing?
09:21Nothing.
09:23So, you and Kate aren't together.
09:28Hmm.
09:29Interesting.
09:34Oh, you know what?
09:36Just remember, I have to call him a patient who's being forced to do something he really doesn't want to
09:41do and is feeling suicidal.
09:44Oh, no.
09:45That's horrible.
09:49Why are you laughing?
09:50I am.
10:03Charlie, did we get the grant?
10:04No, I can't go through with this, Kate.
10:06Is it because of the laughing?
10:09Oh, no.
10:10It turns out the laughter is the best part.
10:11It helps distract from the huge black hole where her personality should be.
10:16I can't do this.
10:17Charlie, listen to me.
10:20You have got to do this.
10:22For us.
10:23Hey, if things were reversed, I would do it in a heartbeat.
10:26Okay, fine.
10:27You win.
10:28But you gotta pick me up afterwards.
10:29Why?
10:30Because I'm gonna be very, very, very, very, very drunk.
10:41I'm talking Nicolas Cage drunk.
10:46You have a nice house.
10:48Oh, thanks.
10:49I'm just renting.
10:51Hey!
10:52No, no, homeowner.
10:54Is there anything I can do for you?
10:56I've been with you to you.
11:04Well, there is one thing I've been trying to find a way to ask you for all night.
11:13You don't have to ask.
11:15Why don't we just go inside and turn on some deafening music and do this?
11:22Why do we have to do that for you to give me Kate's phone number?
11:27You want Kate's number?
11:29Yeah, well, we're leaning towards giving you guys the money and I just thought a date with Kate might help
11:38make my decision a little easier.
11:43She's really hot.
11:58I know, right?
12:02By the way, what was the deafening music for?
12:05Well, now it's just to celebrate.
12:07Any time I can bring together two lovely gay women, that is a reason to celebrate.
12:20Hey there.
12:22There he is, my hero. How did it go?
12:25Let's just say I gave her what she wanted.
12:28Thank you, Charlie.
12:30And for service beyond the call of duty, I bought you a little gift.
12:36You might want to keep that. In fact, you might want to drink that on your upcoming cruise to the
12:40Isle of Lesbos.
12:42Excuse me?
12:43Turns out she wants you.
12:45Me?
12:46Yes, you are the lucky winner.
12:51Wow.
12:53So now where are we going to find the money?
12:55Well, I know where you're going and I know where you're going to find it.
12:59Oh, forget it.
13:01I am not going to have sex with a woman to get funding.
13:05Well, you had no problem with me doing it.
13:06That's different. This is a woman.
13:08Well, you had sex with women in college?
13:10Yeah, I also did jello shots in college. I don't do that anymore either.
13:13Well, then you might want to have a few jello shots before you spend the night in that giggle box.
13:18Charlie, no.
13:19Kate, yes.
13:20In case you forgot, you told me, and I quote,
13:23If the situation were reversed, I would gladly go gay.
13:27And let Charlie watch.
13:29I never said that.
13:31Eh, maybe it was a perfect dream. I don't know.
13:34Come on, Kate. You have to do this. What about us working together?
13:37Okay. Fine. I'll go out with her.
13:41I just hope I remember how to do this.
13:43Don't worry. It's like riding a bike.
13:45But instead of handlebars, there's boobs.
13:47And they've completely rethought the seat.
13:55Ah, hey guys.
13:56You're alive.
13:58So I guess you just put the lotion in the basket and clawed your way out of the well.
14:02You're all wrong.
14:04It wasn't a cannibal. It was just a regular woman.
14:07A ten-year-old woman.
14:10She's ten?
14:11Yeah, and she's mean.
14:13She threatened me.
14:14She wants me to buy her all this stuff.
14:17She reminds me of you.
14:19Nolan, you're out of your league.
14:21I'll take care of it for you.
14:22I'm fluent and little bitch.
14:25I don't know how this happened.
14:27Don't blame yourself, Nolan. It is not your fault.
14:30You're just the victim of a child predator.
14:35I mean, do you think I'm doing the wrong thing here?
14:37Asking Kate to sleep with a lesbian for money?
14:40Hey, Dad.
14:41Hey, guys.
14:44Don't mind us. We're just picking up some of Sam's stuff.
14:48Kate sleeping with a lesbian for money?
14:51Uh, Kate Hudson. She's in a new film.
14:54We just saw the trailer.
14:56Sleeping with a lesbian for money.
14:59It's like the hangover.
15:01Yeah.
15:02But with lesbians.
15:04And money.
15:07I don't see that.
15:08You're not seeing that.
15:10Deb, I'm 16. I saw the hangover.
15:13Well, that was a mistake your mother made.
15:15You took me.
15:17Well, she didn't stop me. Go get your stuff.
15:22So, what's really going on, guys?
15:25Alright.
15:26You want the truth? I'll tell you what's going on.
15:28I shouldn't be telling anybody this.
15:30It's one of my clients.
15:33She needs money and she's willing to sleep with a woman to get it.
15:36Oh.
15:38Personally, I think it's wrong to sleep with someone for money.
15:41For dinner, yes.
15:42Jewelry, sure.
15:43A nice car, of course.
15:46But to do it for money, unless there's a lot of money that could change your whole situation, it's demeaning.
15:55Excuse me, I gotta take this.
15:58Hello?
15:59Good news, Charlie.
16:01We got the grant?
16:02Well, that was fast.
16:03What, did you do it right there on the Mary Peasant?
16:06No, Lisa doesn't even make all the decisions.
16:09It turns out she has a boss who has all the power.
16:11And guess what?
16:12Bossy Pants turns up and is very into me.
16:15Well, that is fantastic.
16:16I knew I could count on you.
16:17So this boss, she hot?
16:20No, but he is very attractive.
16:25I'm sorry.
16:26I thought you just said he.
16:29So this woman, let's use words like that so we're very clear.
16:32She hot?
16:34Charlie, it's a man.
16:36I'm sorry, bad connection.
16:38Is she hot?
16:40Gotta go, wish me luck.
16:42Hello?
16:43Hello?
16:46Jen and Sam had to run.
16:48Everything all right?
16:50I don't know.
16:52Is the word he ever used to describe a woman?
16:56Not usually.
16:58Except maybe one time in Vegas.
17:01I thought you said that happened in New Orleans.
17:03Fool me once, shame on me.
17:05Fool me twice, I'll appreciate it if you never bring it up again, you jerk.
17:12I don't believe this.
17:13Now Kate's sleeping with some guy.
17:15How did this happen?
17:17I know.
17:18It's crazy.
17:19This all started so innocently.
17:22With you prostituting yourself out to a woman to get the grant,
17:25and then pushing Kate into a lesbian relationship to get the money.
17:30Whoever would have thought it would lead to something as unsavory as heterosexual sex.
17:35Are you mocking me?
17:37Obviously not well enough.
17:38You had to ask.
17:39It's a double standard, Charlie.
17:41You were gonna sleep with another woman.
17:42No, it's different.
17:44I don't have feelings for me.
17:46I don't get jealous of me when other people look at me naked.
17:50I think you have to face facts, my friend.
17:52You and Kate are not in a relationship right now, which means you can't say squat.
17:58You know what? You're right.
17:59Everything you were saying makes complete sense.
18:01Where are you going?
18:03I'm gonna stop her.
18:05Ellen, by the way.
18:07Squat.
18:11Oh, good.
18:12She came.
18:13Satan's daughter risen from the depths of hell.
18:16We gotta do this quick, cause she's gotta be home by 8.
18:20You go get yourself a yogurt and I'll take care of it.
18:28Now, listen here, you little punk.
18:30Wrong girl!
18:34Sorry.
18:35Don't eat that, it'll make you fat.
18:40Now, listen here, you little punk.
18:42I want you to lay off my friend Nolan.
18:44Oh my God, I can't believe he brought his maid to yell at me.
18:50Look, kid, you're smart.
18:53You remind me of me five years ago.
18:57But if you don't leave my friend alone, I'm gonna sleep with your dad and destroy your parents' marriage.
19:02It would never work.
19:04My dad will also my mom.
19:09Sometimes daddies want a new mommy, a younger mommy, a hotter mommy.
19:15And then they have new kids.
19:17Cuter kids, hotter kids.
19:20And they start calling you, what's her name?
19:23And Christmas becomes a buffet of lies and half-truths, while daddy tries to force a smile and remember why
19:30he even wanted you in the first place.
19:34I don't believe you.
19:35Yes, you do.
19:37Yes, I do!
19:42Wow.
19:43What did you say to her?
19:44Doesn't matter.
19:45Now buy me a yogurt and then you're taking me to the Apple store.
19:51Lisa, where's Kate?
19:55Oh, you mean Kate, the bogus lesbian that you set me up with?
20:02She's not a lesbian?
20:03Oh, I need to talk to her about that.
20:07Where is she?
20:08You just missed her.
20:09She just left with my boss.
20:11Okay, here's a weird question.
20:13Your boss, he's a man, right?
20:15What, you don't think women can be bosses?
20:17Yes, of course.
20:18A woman can do most anything a man can do.
20:20Oh, most?
20:21Most?
20:21No, no, no, I didn't mean that any...
20:22It's a he.
20:28Fine, where did he take her?
20:29I don't know.
20:31Some place in his penis mobile.
20:35Dammit.
20:39Is it a patient?
20:40Do you need to take that?
20:44No.
20:45No.
20:46It's just a colleague.
20:47He's going to be very excited.
20:49He and I get to keep working together.
20:51Oh, and what's his name?
20:52Charlie.
20:53Oh.
20:55I know a Charlie.
20:56It's just really?
20:59Nothing.
21:02He wouldn't know theهل, but...
21:04I know he looks like his camera.
21:07Please.
21:08No, it's not!
21:11I don't know.
21:11You
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