- 4 minutes ago
Charlie and The Prison Riot
Michael accompanies Charlie to his prison group as part of a program to teach inmates the real estate business. Both get trapped when a prison riot breaks out. Kate worries about Charlie upon learning of the riot on the news, and her reaction after he returns to work safely has Charlie believing for sure that she has feelings for him.
Michael accompanies Charlie to his prison group as part of a program to teach inmates the real estate business. Both get trapped when a prison riot breaks out. Kate worries about Charlie upon learning of the riot on the news, and her reaction after he returns to work safely has Charlie believing for sure that she has feelings for him.
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TVTranscript
00:00So, I just want everyone to know, Thursday is my birthday, and I don't want anyone to bring it up.
00:07Here's a tip. If you don't want something brought up, don't bring it up.
00:12I just hate my birthday.
00:15After 25, it's just a reminder that I never made New York Magazine's 25 people to watch under 25 list.
00:21Don't feel so bad. You're one of the two people to watch on the couch.
00:28Nolan, I know you mean well, but I hate you.
00:33Look, Patrick, I understand that it's difficult getting older, but just remember, compare and despair.
00:40That's what I'm doing.
00:44Don't compare and despair.
00:46What kind of a slogan has a silent don't?
00:50That's like telling someone to swim right after they eat, and then when they die, you say,
00:54Oh, sorry, uh, there was a silent implied don't.
01:02Sorry I'm late.
01:03I got stuck in Thousand Oaks dropping off some drug samples to a clinic.
01:08How come the clinics need samples?
01:10Because that's how they get the people addicted.
01:13I mean, familiar with the products.
01:16Dammit, I've got to stop using the no-no words.
01:20Lacey, we have two rules here.
01:21One, if you're going to be late, you have to call.
01:24And two, if you're going to wear a skirt, it has to cover at least some of your thigh.
01:28That's funny.
01:29My boss says my skirt has to show at least some of my ass.
01:34As for calling, I can't find my phone, and I don't know anybody's number by heart.
01:38And this is the trouble with America.
01:42Smartphones, dumb people.
01:44Now, I've got all my important numbers written on a little piece of paper that I always have with me.
01:49That's my, uh, ATM code, my social security, my checking.
01:56Has anybody seen a little piece of paper around here?
02:00Don't worry, Ed.
02:00I'm sure you left it in one of your other pants.
02:03I'm wearing all my other pants.
02:08You got a minute?
02:09I want to show you something.
02:11Look at this.
02:12I came up with a graph to show the correlation between the number of orgasms our female subjects achieved.
02:18And the amount of times a janitor pops in here for no reason?
02:22No, the level of emotional intimacy with their partners.
02:25Okay, so if you just scroll down.
02:28What are you doing?
02:30I'm just highlighting something.
02:32You're highlighting my shoulder blade with your nipples.
02:36Oops.
02:36Sorry.
02:37I clicked on the wrong file.
02:38Will you just, uh, hit the one next to it?
02:41Well, this one here?
02:44With the collection of every photo we've ever taken together?
02:52What, um, I don't know what you're talking about.
02:56No, no, no, it's this one right here.
02:58You know, for someone that says they have no feelings for me, you've basically put together a wedding album.
03:04I only collected all those photos in one file because it's easier to delete that way.
03:08Oh, stop it.
03:09I think it's cute.
03:10It's late at night.
03:12You open up some pictures, grab a bottle of wine, put on some Sade, and kiss the screen every once
03:18in a while.
03:19Just so you know, if we weren't doing this sex study together, I would have nothing to do with you.
03:24Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
03:25Stop.
03:26Please, sit down.
03:28Look, obviously you still have feelings for me, and I still have feelings for you.
03:31We need to talk about this.
03:32Charlie, there's nothing to talk about.
03:34These are just pictures.
03:36I'm sorry you saw them.
03:37These are my breasts.
03:38I'm sorry they touched you.
03:41Okay, okay, I get it.
03:42I get it.
03:42I'm sorry.
03:43I'm sorry.
03:43Just one more question.
03:44When you look at the pictures, you rub your boobs on the screen?
03:54How far are you going to take this joke?
03:57Prisoners cannot sell real estate from jail.
04:00I know it sounds crazy, but they can.
04:03Just be careful.
04:04This Donovan guy's house you've been selling has a violent history.
04:07Don't you worry.
04:08I've dealt with some pretty rough-and-tumble characters in my day.
04:12The fact that you just used the expression rough-and-tumble tells me what a badass you really are.
04:18All right, Ernesto.
04:20You wrote in your anger workbook that one of the things that upsets you the most is when someone won't
04:24accept your apology.
04:25I think it's a really good step up from last week's entry.
04:28What's up with these bitches, man?
04:31There's an issue between me and Donovan.
04:33I stepped on his mouse.
04:35I lose track sometimes.
04:37Which sexual act is that prison slang for?
04:41No, he just stepped on Donovan's mouse.
04:45That's a relief.
04:46I mean, my condolences.
04:48There's no reason for him to apologize.
04:51Mouse didn't mean nothing to me.
04:53Oh, please.
04:54He loved it him, that little mouse.
04:57I could see it every night when he tucked him into his little human hair bed.
05:03And Donovan, it doesn't make you any less of a man to...
05:05Mr. Squeaky!
05:10Okay, I see my friend Michael's here, so why don't we wrap this up?
05:13Donovan, you've had a pretty emotional session.
05:15You sure you're okay to talk to him?
05:17Yeah, Charlie.
05:20I'm a pretty rough-and-tumble character.
05:24Oh, so it's a rough-and-tumble thing.
05:25Apparently it's coming back.
05:38Yo, brother, what's up?
05:41You can relax.
05:43I'm not gonna hurt you.
05:44Pfft, man.
05:45I'm not gonna hurt you either.
05:49With excessive commissions.
05:53Come on, brother.
05:54They can give you...
06:01Now, Wayne, I didn't want to put you on the spot, but I noticed you didn't turn in your anger
06:04workbook.
06:05I really need you to write this stuff down.
06:07I did, but it's in my cell.
06:09Uh, can you, can you bring it here?
06:11I don't think so.
06:17Take it back.
06:18You did do your assignment.
06:23Why does it smell like barbecue sauce?
06:24Oh, because I ran out of finger blood.
06:29Well, I think this is a very constructive way for you to express your feelings.
06:33Just so you know, there's no hyphen in killing spree.
06:38That would have been embarrassing.
06:41Well, I'll just get that off of some urine.
06:52I noticed that you seem to have a lot of intense feelings for this Savannah woman.
06:56Yeah, I never knew where I stood with her.
06:59In public, she'd avoid me and call the police on me.
07:02Once, she even tried to run me over with the car.
07:04And in private?
07:06There was no private.
07:08We were never formally introduced.
07:11Well, relationships can be tricky.
07:13I don't know if you're the right person to take relationship advice from, Charlie.
07:17Considering all the problems you've had with Kate.
07:19Good point.
07:21Wait a minute.
07:22How'd you know Kate's name?
07:24If that is her name.
07:26All I needed was an hour on the computer.
07:28Plus, you told us you were doing a study with her.
07:32And by the way, your house is beautiful from above.
07:35And even more so from the street view.
07:38What an unsettling compliment.
07:41So how's it going with you two?
07:43Truth is, I really don't know where we stand.
07:45Except on the other side of our electrified fence.
07:50Yeah, you never know how people feel about you until after you die.
07:53It's something I learned reading Tom Sawyer.
07:56And killing people.
07:58That's very clever, Wayne, but I'm still alive.
08:02Yes, you are.
08:09Well, thanks for having me over.
08:16Hey, what's going on?
08:17Lockdown.
08:17Just relax.
08:18You'll be safer in the cell.
08:23Must be some kind of riot.
08:25Once again, nobody tells Wayne.
08:30Do you really think we're safer in here?
08:33Well, I am.
08:43So, how long do these things usually take?
08:46Oh, you're uncomfortable.
08:48I'm sorry, I'm not used to having guests.
08:51Please, have a seat, won't you?
08:55I'm gonna call the warden.
08:57In case you didn't know what's going on, you know.
09:02Why'd the doors just open?
09:03That's not a question we ask around here, John.
09:05Come on, let's go.
09:06Go, go, go.
09:07You want to close it so no one takes your stop?
09:09I'm just gonna follow you.
09:13Charlie?
09:15I can't believe I went through all the trouble of being only ten minutes late
09:18and Charlie isn't even here.
09:20Charlie!
09:21Oh, no, it's just you guys.
09:24Other than that top, are you okay?
09:28No, haven't you been listening to the news?
09:30Charlie's in the middle of a prison riot.
09:32In the middle?
09:33You should hang out on the side.
09:39Next, prison riot escalates.
09:41Stay tuned.
09:42Oh, God, oh, God, I'm a wreck
09:44and I have to be calm when Sam gets home.
09:46Here, I've got some samples of Proloft.
09:49It'll totally help with your anxiety.
09:51Is this legal?
09:52Oh, it will be in a minute.
09:55Just sign this thing that says you're a doctor
09:58and you've bought them.
09:59Oh, and here's your free coin purse and pen.
10:03Mom, Dad!
10:05Oh, my God, Sam's home.
10:07I don't know what to tell her.
10:09Hey, everybody.
10:10Hey!
10:12Mom, I have great news.
10:14I stopped my counting ritual today.
10:16Really?
10:17Yeah, I didn't count excessively all day.
10:20I always thought if I did, something bad would happen,
10:22but it didn't.
10:24So, wrist down.
10:28He's, um, caught in traffic.
10:30He might not be back for hours.
10:32Oh.
10:33Then why are you guys still here?
10:38We're celebrating Patrick's birthday.
10:42Right, buddy?
10:44What?
10:45Happy birthday, Patrick.
10:46Isn't getting older awesome?
10:48Oh, God.
10:52That is the worst possible thing one person could do to another.
10:57We just heard a report that a guard was beaten,
11:00stripped, and thrown from the third floor of the prison
11:03onto the street.
11:05All right, it's a tie.
11:10Wait, wait.
11:12Who's in charge right here?
11:13Is there someone I can talk to?
11:14Talk to?
11:15So cute.
11:16I remember my first prison riot.
11:17We ran around and stabbed everyone in a suit.
11:25Charlie, what's going on?
11:26You said the prisoners couldn't get out of their cages.
11:28Relax, man.
11:28There's no reason for them to hurt us.
11:30We're not prisoners and we're not guards.
11:31All right, everybody.
11:33I've talked to the fellas down in cell block D
11:35who uncharted this whole thing.
11:37They've given their demands.
11:38They know we have hostages
11:40and now it's just a waiting thing.
11:43We've got hostages?
11:45I hate to be one of those poor sons of bitches.
11:47Oh, you are those poor sons of bitches.
11:51Yeah, I pretty much figured that out
11:52just as I was saying it.
11:56Michael.
11:56Yeah, yeah.
11:58You think we can move that property
12:00before the Fed raises the primary?
12:10Hello?
12:14Charlie.
12:15Is this Kate?
12:16Uh, I am calling for Charlie.
12:18Who is this?
12:19What are you wearing?
12:23Who the hell is this?
12:25Put Charlie on the phone right now.
12:26I wish I could.
12:27But Charlie's dead.
12:30What?
12:31Yeah, he fought real good.
12:32But he's peaceful now.
12:38Hello?
12:41What the hell are you doing with my phone?
12:43Oh, Kate called.
12:45Why didn't you let me talk to her?
12:47I told her you were dead.
12:49Why did you tell her I was dead?
12:51I told you, Charlie.
12:52It's the only way you'll ever know
12:53how she really feels about you.
12:55Give me the phone.
12:59What the hell did you do that?
13:01Charlie, you're not just our hostage.
13:03You're a hostage of love.
13:05Mostly, you're just our hostage.
13:11Michael, can I borrow your phone?
13:12I gotta call Kate and let her know
13:13I'm still alive.
13:14I don't have it.
13:15I left everything.
13:15My wallet, my watch, my rings,
13:17and the car.
13:18Oh, my God, Charlie!
13:20Did you lock the car?
13:23Michael, focus.
13:24We need a phone.
13:25Did you say you're looking for a phone?
13:26Yes, you have one.
13:27Can I borrow it, please?
13:28Sure.
13:29Here you go.
13:31Uh, Charlie.
13:34That guy threw a guard out the window.
13:36I would use the phone.
13:43Hey, how's it going?
13:44What are you, nuts?
13:45That's your hand.
13:46This is the phone.
13:50Of course.
13:51How silly of me.
13:55FBI?
13:57Hi.
13:59I think one of those cameras
14:01you have trained on me
14:01at all times
14:02has gone out.
14:04Oh, it's working fine?
14:05Good to know.
14:06Bye-bye.
14:14You need a phone, Charlie?
14:15Yes, I do.
14:16I'll get you a phone.
14:19I'll get you a phone.
14:21Any of you guys have a phone?
14:24Sure.
14:25Here you go.
14:26Thanks.
14:28A brilliant man, by the way.
14:30He pioneered the use of hidden cameras
14:32in Pancake House restrooms.
14:35He's a genius.
14:42What's the matter?
14:43I don't know Kate's number.
14:44I usually just push a picture of her face
14:45and it dials.
14:48I don't know their numbers either.
14:50How can you not know the numbers?
14:51This is what's wrong with America.
14:56No progress yet
14:57in talks with the inmates.
15:00You know, Ken,
15:01these aerial shots remind me
15:02what a beautiful day it is.
15:04So, if you're not incarcerated,
15:07be sure to get out there
15:08and enjoy the sunshine.
15:12Hey, Patrick,
15:13I found your birthday horoscope.
15:16Fantastic.
15:18Your success will not be measured in money,
15:21but by the friends you make.
15:22Oh, God.
15:25Did I say something wrong?
15:27No, no.
15:29Those are tears of joy, sweetheart.
15:31Just keep that birthday fun coming.
15:37If I actually thought
15:38you were going to have another birthday,
15:40I would get so even with you.
15:45All right, Patrick.
15:46It's time for the spanking machine.
15:49Me first.
15:53How much did you give her?
15:55I looked at the chart
15:55and gave her the right amount.
15:57I figure she weighs about 105.
15:59Those are kilograms.
16:01You gave her enough pills
16:02for a 240-pound man.
16:05Really?
16:05We got the one Indian
16:07who's not good with numbers.
16:11Hello.
16:12Oh, thank God.
16:12I've been trying to reach someone
16:13at the prison for the last three hours.
16:16I'm trying to find out
16:17about Charlie Goodson.
16:19And let me ask you this.
16:21What is your relationship
16:22to Mr. Goodson?
16:23And his friend,
16:24Dr. Kate Wales.
16:25I need to know what's happening.
16:28I heard that Charlie was dead.
16:30Charlie's dead?
16:31Oh, my God.
16:33That's terrible.
16:35He was such a good man.
16:37Made me want to be a better person.
16:42No, I didn't say he was dead.
16:44You said he was dead.
16:46I'm trying to find out
16:47if he's dead.
16:48I understand
16:49and I'm here for you.
16:51Now,
16:53how would you describe
16:54your breasts?
17:00All right, everybody.
17:01I got some news.
17:02We lost on every one
17:03of our demands.
17:04There's only one left
17:05they're even willing
17:06to talk about.
17:07What's that?
17:08We want to bring back
17:09Meatloaf Thursday.
17:13Okay, okay.
17:14Let me see if I got this straight.
17:15I'm going to get tossed naked
17:16out a window for Meatloaf?
17:19Man, oh, man.
17:20There's a lot of cops
17:20and riot gear down there.
17:22You know,
17:23if you guys really want
17:24to get what you want,
17:26it might help
17:27if you gave them something.
17:28You know,
17:29like a hostage.
17:31You know what might be better?
17:33If we kill a hostage.
17:35That way,
17:36we prove we're serious
17:37and
17:38we get to kill somebody.
17:41Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
17:42Wait.
17:45Charlie has a kid.
17:47You guys are going to kill anybody?
17:49You should kill me.
17:51No, no, no, no.
17:52No, no, no.
17:53Let Michael go.
17:54He's a...
17:58real estate agent.
18:00With a motivated buyer.
18:05Maybe he's right.
18:06You should kill him.
18:12Oh, my God!
18:13Damn, yeah!
18:15I'm going to say
18:16some of the negotiations
18:17have broken down.
18:18You think so.
18:20You think so.
18:23Hey, Am I?
18:28Hey, Am I?
18:33Hey, Am I?
18:37Hey, Am I?
18:47Spook it up. Everybody's fine. I'll tell you all about it.
18:49But first, I got to find Jen's phone so I can text Kate.
18:52Where's Jen?
18:52Last time I saw her, she was trying to get an empty milk carton to spank her.
18:59What?
19:00She broke into my case and took a bunch of my drug samples.
19:03I tried to stop her, but she had crazy eyes.
19:05I think she was already on something.
19:10Yeah, she was pretty upset about you being in that prison riot.
19:13Prison riot?
19:14I mean, traffic riot.
19:17Traffic.
19:20You were in a prison riot?
19:21Oh, my God. I stopped counting today and something bad happened.
19:25Sam, did you ever think that maybe because you stopped counting, you kept me safe?
19:29So if I ever count anything again, you could die.
19:37Good luck on your math test tomorrow.
19:42Hey.
19:44I find out you're alive through a text from your ex-wife's phone.
19:48Hold on. I can explain it.
19:51You see, nobody knows phone numbers anymore.
19:53Shut up.
20:08What are you thinking?
20:10I'm thinking I should tell you I'm dead more often.
20:15What do you mean about us?
20:18We need to figure out where we are right now.
20:21How about we just take it day by day?
20:23If I learned anything from my time in the joints, then life is short.
20:29I just want to be clear about where we are right now.
20:32I mean, we're back to being friends with benefits, right?
20:35I don't want to label it.
20:37Fine.
20:40How about partners with perks?
20:42No.
20:45Acquaintances with advantages.
20:48Stop that.
20:51Colleagues who copulate.
20:55Our relationship is now amorphous and indefinable.
21:01Fine.
21:02Fine.
21:04We are now friends with amorphous and indefinable benefits.
21:09No, we're not.
21:11Okay.
21:13Yes, we are.
21:23No, we're not.
21:26No, we're not.
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