- 2 days ago
Charlie and The Sex Addict
Charlie is introduced to Blake (Gina La Piana), a recovering alcoholic and Jordan's AA sponsor. Blake is later revealed to also be a recovering sex addict, and Charlie can't help fueling her addiction. Meanwhile, Ed helps Patrick with a challenging full-figure dress design.
Charlie is introduced to Blake (Gina La Piana), a recovering alcoholic and Jordan's AA sponsor. Blake is later revealed to also be a recovering sex addict, and Charlie can't help fueling her addiction. Meanwhile, Ed helps Patrick with a challenging full-figure dress design.
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TVTranscript
00:00Hey everybody. Sorry I'm late. Won't happen again.
00:06Alright, let's begin today by talking about the lies we've told.
00:11Remember I told you that I wouldn't be late again? I would lie.
00:17What happened to your hand?
00:18I'm not sure. I either punched a wall or a guy with a wall for a face.
00:25Either way, when I buy you a drink, you say thank you.
00:30Were you in a bar fight?
00:31I don't know.
00:32Were you in a bar?
00:33It was either a bar or a TV store that sold booze.
00:39Was there a woman involved?
00:41Yes. Yes, this is good. Keep it coming. We'll figure this out together.
00:45I know. You were in a cowboy bar and stabbed a mechanical bull with a butter knife.
00:49And when it didn't die, you punched it in the face.
00:53Oh my God, that's it. How'd you know?
00:55You drunked out me last night and told me not to tell the group.
00:58Which, by the way, I didn't. So you're welcome.
01:03Come on, Lizzie, tell me.
01:06Are we only gonna talk about drunken white trash problems?
01:09Because I don't have anything about moonshine or anything, but I do have something about school.
01:14Okay, when he's done, I've got something about moonshine.
01:19Shoot, Patrick. We have a design competition at school on Thursday, and they're making us all design dresses for plus
01:26size women.
01:27Are we talking like a size four or six?
01:31Add those, double it, then multiply by pie. And I mean the dessert.
01:37They're just so hard to design for. I mean, I have no idea what to do with a woman of
01:42this size.
01:42You have no idea what to do with a woman of any size.
01:47These drawings look like car covers with a head sticking through the sunroof.
01:54Terrible, I know.
01:55That's because you're hiding all the good parts. Where's her caboose? Where are the bald-headed train engineers?
02:02The bald-headed...
02:04Her boobies, boy!
02:07Ed, Ed, Ed, I don't think that you're qualified to criticize Patrick's sketches without some sort of a background.
02:13And, oh my God, it looks like she's being tented for termites.
02:24What? I'm eating donuts.
02:27My sponsor said I should reward myself every once in a while for not drinking.
02:32So is the idea to make you too fat to fit into a liquor store?
02:37The idea is to keep me sober so I don't go crazy and stab you with a letter opener.
02:43All right, all right, I'll stop criticizing you for buying yourself a dozen donuts then inhaling them like an unintended
02:48dog.
02:50My sponsor, Blake, says it's fine to have a substitute indulgence every now and then.
02:56Wait, wait, wait. Blake Duncan?
02:59Blake Duncan?
03:00Yeah, of Dunkin' Donuts.
03:03The woman is saving my life, Charlie. She is a beacon of hope that shines for me day and night
03:09without fail.
03:10Kind of like a sign outside of Dunkin' Donuts.
03:14Are you done now?
03:15I don't know. Depends on what you say next.
03:19Blake is amazing, Charlie.
03:22Any time I'm feeling tempted by alcohol, she comes over and makes me feel better.
03:27So this woman is either seriously dedicated or has less of a socialite than you do?
03:35I shouldn't be telling you this, but since you are a therapist, theoretically, not only is Blake an AA, she's
03:45also a recovering sex addict.
03:47She's sworn off men for a while. In fact, she's celibate.
03:51I feel really bad for her, but it works out great for me.
03:55Dude, whoa, whoa, whoa, where the heck are you going?
03:57I'm going to a meeting.
03:59Blake is coming to pick me up.
04:00And instead of bashing me, it would be great if you could support me every once in a while, maybe
04:05come to a meeting.
04:06Oh, hell yeah. There's no other way I'd rather spend my afternoon than in some dingy church basement with a
04:10bunch of dirty hobos.
04:13Besides, I'm going to lunch with Sean.
04:15Jordan!
04:17Blake!
04:18Hey!
04:20Blake!
04:22Blake, this is Charlie. He just called us hobos.
04:26Anybody? Ready to grab some lunch?
04:30Ladies?
04:31Oh, I'm sorry. Sean, this is Jordan, who I work with, and this is her friend, Blake.
04:37You know what, Sean? Today, we're not going to lunch.
04:40We're going to an AA meeting because you are ruining your life with alcohol.
04:44I'm not.
04:46See that? Right there.
04:48Denial. Classic alky behavior.
04:50Alright, let's do this.
04:54Oh, yeah, cool. Okay.
05:02You know, sometimes we've said the serenity prayer so many times that we don't actually think about what we're saying
05:08when we say it.
05:09Oh, can we please get out of here and grab a beer?
05:13Shh.
05:13I'm trying to impress that girl up there, but making it seem like I care about you.
05:18Well, if you really cared about me, you'd stop cuddling me like a creepy uncle.
05:21Yeah.
05:23And remember the most important part.
05:26It's the wisdom to know the difference.
05:39That was really inspiring.
05:41Super inspiring.
05:42Be honest, Barry.
05:44Sean, I hope you were listening to what Blake had to say.
05:47I gotta be honest, I tried, but I'm still pretty buzzed from breakfast.
05:51Because I'm an alcoholic.
05:53Okay, who'd like to share next?
05:55Sean would.
05:56I'm okay, thanks.
05:58Come on, you can do it. Sean, you can do it. Right, Blake?
06:01Yeah, we're all scared the first time, but then you're up there and it feels great.
06:05That's right.
06:05You got a lot of support here.
06:08Now go.
06:13I am so proud of him.
06:15It's like pushing a bird with a broken wing out of the nest.
06:19I hope not.
06:20Then the bird would fall to its death.
06:23Yeah, you have crazy soft hands.
06:27Hi, I'm Sean.
06:29I'm apparently an alcoholic.
06:33Sean.
06:35Okay, I'll give you all a chip to not do that again.
06:39So Jordan was telling me how great you are.
06:42Funny, she never mentioned you.
06:45I guess she wanted to keep you all to herself.
06:48Oh, no, we're not.
06:50We just work together, but I try to keep a distance.
06:52I know how easy it is to fall in love with me.
06:55I was joking.
06:56Jordan says she can't stand you.
06:59I hated the bitch first.
07:01God, you're so easy to talk to.
07:04Clearly this is a bad time, but I don't know when I want to see you again.
07:08Would you like to go out tonight, maybe?
07:09I'm supposed to have dinner with Jordan.
07:11Oh?
07:12Jordan?
07:14Oh, yeah, yeah.
07:17I suppose I could make an excuse.
07:19What are you two whispering about?
07:21I was just telling Charlie about this annoying fundraiser I have to go to tonight.
07:26Oh, I thought we were going to have dinner.
07:28Damn it. I'm so sorry.
07:30We can do it Sunday night.
07:32Well, this is the best damn fundraiser you've ever had, and you want to do it again on Sunday.
07:38And as I was jumping off the roof of the apartment building into the pool three stories below, I thought
07:45I could really get hurt.
07:46Um, but I didn't.
07:49You know why?
07:51Glug, glug, glug.
07:59Oh, Ed, thank you so much for coming.
08:08This anger problem of yours better be pretty serious to get me out of bed at eight o'clock at
08:13night.
08:14I can't do it, Ed.
08:15I've made dozens of sketches of the fat lady dress, and I hate all of them.
08:20Goodbye.
08:21No.
08:23Tell me what I'm doing wrong.
08:25I'm open to anything.
08:28You're still trying to hide the woman's figure.
08:31It's like driving a mountain road, boy.
08:33You've got to enjoy the curves.
08:36You can't do it, Ed.
08:38There's too much mountain.
08:40I don't have time to design and sew a dress.
08:44I've only got two days.
08:45I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
08:48I know more about, uh, making dresses than I should.
08:54When I was growing up, my mama had to take in sewing, make clothes for the neighbors.
09:00And I was kind of puny, so, uh, I was always the model for the little girls' dresses.
09:10Ed, that must have been horrible for you.
09:17Well, I learned to sew and nom during the war, so let's get to it.
09:22Ed, we're sewing a dress on a fat lady, not an ear onto a head.
09:26Is this hopeless?
09:28Look here.
09:29You don't give up on something just because it's hard.
09:32Did I quit calling my neighbor a Chinaman after he pointed out that he was a Mexican?
09:38You?
09:40Oh, exactly.
09:42We've got an understanding.
09:44I call him Hong Kong Chewy.
09:46He calls me El Gordo Pendejo Putino.
09:50Which I understand means the great white king.
09:56No, Ed, it means fat jackass little man whore.
10:01I believe the Chinaman speaks better Mexican than you do.
10:10That was a great dinner. Thank you.
10:13You are welcome.
10:15Well, I've never seen anyone eat so fast.
10:18Yeah, I can down a lot pretty quick. I have no gag reflex.
10:23So, should I put something in, I mean on, I mean music?
10:27Sure.
10:30Uh, what do you like?
10:35Okay, I think I know what you like.
10:44I have to tell you something, and please don't be mad at Jordan, but she did mention that you struggle
10:49with sex addiction.
10:50Not as much as I'm struggling with your belt.
10:54Aren't you celibate?
10:55Well, look, I haven't had sex in two years.
10:58You want to know why?
11:00Can't work a belt?
11:02Because I've been working the program, and I've dealt with the underlying issues behind my addiction, and I have a
11:08healthy attitude towards sex.
11:09So drop your pants and get to work.
11:12Okay.
11:18You need to get that?
11:23No, it's just Jordan.
11:25She's okay. I taught her how to self-soothe.
11:30Why aren't you answering?
11:32Why?
11:33I came over to the office to get my mind off of drinking, and my old roommate sent me a
11:37bottle of wine to congratulate me.
11:39On my new job.
11:41Stupid bitch.
11:44And it's staring at me, and I...
11:46I want it so bad.
11:49Stop staring at me! Stop at me!
11:52I'm talking to a bottle of wine, Colby!
11:58I really appreciate this, Ed. You're the last person I thought would come through for me, but you did.
12:03I wish my mom had had one of these dress dummies when I was a boy.
12:08Would have saved me a lot of years of...
12:11drinking and thinking.
12:13All right, let's take a look.
12:17Well, we did it.
12:18Gotta say, it looks pretty good.
12:21Yeah, all it needs now is the belt, and we're done.
12:24For the last time, Ed, the dress does not need a belt.
12:29When I wore a dress, a belt always made me feel sexy.
12:35Give her a belt.
12:36Oh, God.
12:37Give her a belt.
12:38You're such a diva.
12:41I know what works.
12:45There.
12:47That's a sweet little cherry with a whole lot of sundae.
12:53Yeah, baby.
12:56We're good things.
13:00So, are you gonna come to the show?
13:02Oh, that depends.
13:03Do I get to help our Rubenesque model in and out of this thing?
13:07Absolutely not.
13:09Let me know how I'd go.
13:13Hey.
13:15Hey.
13:18What's this?
13:19Someone bought me a bottle of wine as a gift.
13:22Really?
13:23I don't know.
13:24You're an alcoholic and you...
13:29No, that's why I electrified it.
13:32So I wouldn't touch it.
13:33I guess it works.
13:36Why don't you just throw it away, Ben Franklin?
13:40Because I was freaked out.
13:43I tried calling Blake and she hasn't called me back for two days.
13:46She's never done this to me before.
13:48Ah, I'm sure she's fine.
13:50No, this is weird.
13:52I hope she didn't fall back into her old sex addict behavior.
13:57She'd go on this sex binge with some creep and just forget about everything for days.
14:02Keep in mind that she's also an alcoholic.
14:05Maybe she's just face down in a gutter somewhere.
14:09I say we go with that story until we have more information.
14:13Maybe she's avoiding me.
14:15Hey, do me a favor.
14:17Will you call her and see if she answers and then I can at least stop worrying?
14:22Sure.
14:24Why do you have her number?
14:26I'm not calling Blake. I'm calling my mother.
14:28Why?
14:29Because my mother knows what to do when I'm caught in a lie.
14:33I knew it!
14:34You are the creep who stole my sponsor.
14:36Hey, hey, hey. You don't know the full story.
14:38You had sex with a sex addict who also happens to be the only sponsor who's ever been able to
14:42help me.
14:43Okay, you know a lot of the story.
14:46What you don't know is that she's got her sex addiction under control.
14:49You're a therapist and you bought that?
14:52Yes, hook, line and sinker.
14:55That's what all addicts say, that they have it under control.
14:58But she doesn't. She has a disease.
15:00A disease?
15:01Sex addiction!
15:10You have got to stop seeing her immediately.
15:13Why? She can date whoever she wants.
15:15But you can't because she's my 24-hour donut shop and I can't have you banging all the donuts!
15:21Well, I have needs too.
15:23And what I need is a woman who used to be a sex addict but isn't anymore but still does
15:28all the stuff.
15:30You are infuriating!
15:37So I heard you helped Patrick. How'd your little potato sack project come out?
15:43Our little potato sack looked fantastic.
15:46I'm just surprised you know how to sew. I kind of think of you as a man's man.
15:51Oh, a man's man can sew Nolan? And I'm not ashamed of it. You know why?
15:56Because I am the Grande Pendejo Putino.
16:02That's what the girl at the Taco Bell calls me.
16:04I guess we're both super awesome dudes.
16:10Here's your stupid belt!
16:14How do we do?
16:15You don't read emotional cues very well, do you?
16:18They loved the dress. They hated the belt.
16:21I told them it gave the dress an illusion of a waistline.
16:24They said they were going to give me the illusion of a trophy.
16:27Here you go. It's yours.
16:30Hey, just because I'm passionate doesn't mean I'm right.
16:34See there, Nolan? A man's man can admit when he's wrong.
16:38Well, why couldn't you admit you were wrong last night?
16:40I wasn't wrong yet.
16:48I'm sorry. Like, before we go any further, we should talk about something.
16:53Now, we both know that addicts say that their addiction is under control, even when it's not.
17:01All right, let me prove it to you. Let's stop for a while.
17:04We can go miniature golfing, or we can go to a museum, or hell, we can go to a park
17:09and just sit and feed the ducks and talk.
17:12Well, I'm convinced. Let's have sex.
17:14Yeah.
17:20Excuse me.
17:26Uh-huh. There you are. Caught in the act. Busted. Gotcha.
17:33Oh, my God. Are you drunk?
17:36What is this, Jeopardy?
17:39No, the questions on Jeopardy are hard.
17:42Can I get you a water?
17:43I don't want anything from you.
17:46Give her the water. She'll give it to me.
17:55Oh, Jordan, how did this happen?
17:58Mmm.
17:59You don't want to answer my calls.
18:02Your voice smells stupid, by the way.
18:04Hey, this is Blake. I'm having sex with Charlie.
18:10Who cares about Jordan? Leave a message. Beep.
18:15It doesn't say that. You're just upset with me.
18:19I'm upset with him. You should hear his voicemail.
18:23Hey, this is Charlie. Leave a message unless you're my pain in the ass partner, Jordan.
18:28Honey, it doesn't say that either.
18:30Uh, actually, it does.
18:33That was way before you and I got together. Like, a week ago.
18:40Jordan, I know you're very angry, but, listen, drinking is not going to solve any of your problems.
18:45The only reason you're not drinking is because your hands are full of Charlie.
18:51Take me home.
18:53Oh, of course. Here, let me get my purse. Hold on.
18:58Oh, yeah.
19:01Listen, Jordan, I am so sorry I didn't realize how much you truly needed Blake.
19:08I do a pretty good drunk act, don't I?
19:11What?
19:14I'm taking my sponsor back, bitch.
19:19Come on, honey. Let's go.
19:22No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
19:23She's not drunk.
19:25What?
19:26She's not drunk. The whole thing's an act.
19:28How can you say that? That's cruel.
19:32She's making faces at me right now.
19:36Oh, my God. She's drunk. She has no control over herself.
19:41No, no, no, no, no. She's completely sober.
19:45Watch.
19:50I'll get it.
19:53Oh, my face.
19:55Oh, my God, you're an animal.
19:56Last night, that was a good thing.
19:59Jordan was right about you.
20:01You're a heartless, inconsiderate pig, and I never want to see you again.
20:05Come on.
20:17Coming.
20:21Hi.
20:23Oh, God. What is it now?
20:27I just wanted to let you know that I dropped Blake as my sponsor because, well, she has too many
20:32issues.
20:33She has too many issues? She?
20:35You wear underwear in the shower.
20:39How did you know that?
20:41Blake told me.
20:43Well, obviously, I made the right decision.
20:46But I also came over here to give you the opportunity to thank me for breaking the two of you
20:51up.
20:52To thank you? What are you, drunk?
20:54Or just faking being an idiot?
20:57Blake and I were great together.
20:59Well, I stole her phone.
21:01Let's see who else she was great with.
21:04Here are about 20 different guys she was planning on hooking up with in the next few days.
21:09Oh, my gosh, you're right. I do owe you a thanks.
21:13Blake, time to go home.
21:14Let's marry you
21:18Weezer Pitcline
21:20Weezer Pitcline
21:21Weezer Pitcline
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