- 21 hours ago
Charlie Loses His Virginity Again
Jennifer announces that the woman (Gina Gershon) to whom Charlie lost his virginity in high school (while Charlie and Jen were dating) is in town. Charlie goes to see her, and she remembers aloud that it was so quick, she's "not even sure it counted." This makes Charlie determined to sleep with the woman again as a "do-over", but he must initiate a series of favors to make it happen. Meanwhile, Lacey's parents have to stay at her and Patrick's place for a few days, complicating their marriage ruse, especially when Patrick's boyfriend (Andy Mientus) shows up.
Jennifer announces that the woman (Gina Gershon) to whom Charlie lost his virginity in high school (while Charlie and Jen were dating) is in town. Charlie goes to see her, and she remembers aloud that it was so quick, she's "not even sure it counted." This makes Charlie determined to sleep with the woman again as a "do-over", but he must initiate a series of favors to make it happen. Meanwhile, Lacey's parents have to stay at her and Patrick's place for a few days, complicating their marriage ruse, especially when Patrick's boyfriend (Andy Mientus) shows up.
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh, sorry, we're late.
00:02Uh, late? We're done.
00:04We were out doing rich person things.
00:07Let me guess, one of those things is buying dumbass hats.
00:11Don't be silly, we're not gonna waste the millions of dollars my parents are giving us after we get married
00:16on hats.
00:17Yeah, we got one free with every thousand dollar purchase of scarves.
00:21Plus, I got this stupid, fun phone cover.
00:24Look, the monkey's beret matches my hat.
00:29You're spending money you don't have.
00:31Lacey's parents are gonna find out this whole wedding thing is a scam and you're not gonna get a penny.
00:35You seem grumpy.
00:37You know what you need?
00:39A hat.
00:41I don't need a hat.
00:43I need a sanity stick so I can give you both a smack upside the head.
00:47Give me the hat.
00:49We're not gonna get caught.
00:51We're too smart.
00:52Plus, Lacey is living with me now so we look even more like a real engaged couple.
00:58Yeah, but he's kicking me out for the weekend so he can spend time with his new boyfriend.
01:02Worst fiancé ever.
01:05I'm sorry, Andy's upset that I haven't invited him over.
01:08I think he's starting to think I'm hiding something.
01:11Besides, I want our first time together to be in my bed.
01:16You're right.
01:17Worst fiancé ever.
01:19All right, thanks, everybody.
01:21See you next Thursday.
01:23Once again, Lacey and Patrick, huge mistake with the money.
01:27But if you have a scarf that matches this hat, I'll take it.
01:32Hey, man.
01:33Hey.
01:33You got anything going on?
01:34A buddy of mine opened up one of those naked sushi places where you eat the raw fish off the
01:38naked lady.
01:40Wow, that sounds cool.
01:41Where is it?
01:42Oh, he opened up in that tattoo shop, the one that got closed down for Hep C.
01:47You know, I think I'll pass.
01:49But if you can find a pizza place and an old animal shelter, I'd be down with that.
01:54Charlie, you'll never guess who I ran into at the Safeway today.
01:58You look so fantastic.
02:00Jump up your own ass and die.
02:03So I'm at the Safeway.
02:04I go to the checkout counter.
02:06Who's the cashier?
02:08Mandy Chisholm.
02:09From high school?
02:10What the hell is she doing on here?
02:11I don't know.
02:12Maybe Ohio passed an old skank law and they relocated her to Los Angeles.
02:18She's not a skank just because I had sex with her before I had sex with you.
02:21I don't know what's going on here, but I am totally on Jen's side.
02:25I politely asked you to die.
02:26You haven't died yet.
02:29Mandy Chisholm is a skank because I told her I liked you, then she went out and slept with you.
02:35That's when I gave her the nickname Mandy No Panties Chisholm.
02:40So you went Mandy No Panties and you did absolutely nothing with Chisholm?
02:48No, why?
02:49Oh, ew.
02:52Jen, Jen, Jen, you gotta get over it.
02:53Besides, you already got your revenge.
02:56She burned Mandy Chisholm is a whore in giant letters on the football field with kerosene right before homecoming.
03:03Sweet.
03:04Oh, it was a great game.
03:05We kicked the winning field goal from the whore yard line.
03:10She stole your virginity from me.
03:12We were supposed to lose ours together.
03:14You're right.
03:14She did a terrible thing.
03:16How'd she look?
03:18Don't you dare, Charlie.
03:20You promised me in 11th grade you'd never speak to her again.
03:23And I won't.
03:25Good.
03:29So we're gonna go check this chick out and see if she's still hot or what?
03:32Oh, come on, dude.
03:34I gotta show Jen some respect.
03:37Let's wait till she's out of the driveway.
03:45Which one is she?
03:47That's her right there.
03:49That?
03:50Wow.
03:51Dude, she's hot, man.
03:52Are you sure that you don't want to talk to her?
03:54Well, of course I do, but I promised Jen I wouldn't.
03:58Mandy, look, Charlie Goodson.
04:01I didn't promise Jen anything.
04:03Charlie?
04:04You son of a bitch.
04:07Mandy, is that you?
04:09Oh, God.
04:09Wow, you look great.
04:12So do you.
04:14This used to be my buddy, Sean.
04:16It's so weird because I just saw your wife yesterday.
04:19Oh, really?
04:20But she didn't say anything.
04:21Hmm.
04:22I mean, by the way, she's my ex-wife.
04:24Oh, good.
04:25But she was a bitch.
04:27So you were Charlie's first.
04:28Charlie?
04:29I didn't say a word.
04:31He must have just guessed right.
04:32Good guess, Sean.
04:34No, no, no.
04:34That's okay.
04:36I love that you consider me your first.
04:39That's really sweet.
04:41I mean, yeah, I'm pretty sure that counted.
04:49You're pretty sure?
04:51Why wouldn't it have counted?
04:53Well, I mean, no.
04:55I mean, it was fun.
04:56It's just a little, you know, fast.
05:00A little fast.
05:03It was not fast.
05:05I mean, it wasn't any marathon, but it wasn't a 20-yard dash.
05:08All I remember is that the gun went off and it was over.
05:14It's rough.
05:17Yeah, with all due respect, I think you're remembering it wrong.
05:20And I don't think you should have slept with the girl who timed the track team.
05:24Brutal stuff.
05:26Uh, listen, I, I, yes, I should probably get back to work.
05:30It was really great seeing you.
05:31Oh, yeah, this was awesome.
05:37All right, guys, today, I'd like to talk about regrets.
05:41Anybody here ever done something they wish they could go back in time and correct?
05:46No, Charlie.
05:47We all think it worked out for the best.
05:52I'd like to go back to Monday.
05:54Uh, this guy stole my lavender body wash, and I was beating his head against the shower towels,
05:59and I said, DeAndre, if you yell for the gauze, I will kill you.
06:04Well, it turns out his name was LeAndre.
06:07Boy, do I regret that.
06:09It's so embarrassing.
06:12Well, if there's any consolation, I'm sure he'll get over that very small part of what happened.
06:18Well, a shower beatdown wasn't exactly where I was headed.
06:21Let me give you a little example from my own life.
06:25Back in high school, I knew this girl, and I, I, I, I really liked her,
06:27and I wanted to, uh, bake her an amazing cake.
06:31But it came out of the oven too soon, and frosting went everywhere.
06:42Ah, I get it.
06:44The first time you had sex, you were a two-pump chump.
06:48Look, I, I know, I know, I know it's just ego,
06:50but it kills me to know there's someone out there that, that thinks I'm lousy in the sack.
06:53So what's the problem?
06:55Half sex with that cake again and show it who's boss?
06:59The problem is my ex-wife really hates that cake,
07:01and if she finds out, she'll never speak to me again.
07:03You need to take the risk, Charlie.
07:05Otherwise, you'll be kicking yourself in that sweet little ass of yours for the rest of your life.
07:10You're right.
07:11You're right.
07:11It is the one blemish, and otherwise,
07:13ahem, perfect record.
07:17Don't worry about your ex-wife, Charlie.
07:19I did a lot of things my ex-wife didn't want me to do,
07:22including killing my ex-wife.
07:26I hate having to leave.
07:28I don't know why you can't just tell Andy about our arrangement.
07:30Because what you and I are doing is completely immoral,
07:33and Andy has something called integrity.
07:36I can't believe you're attracted to someone like that.
07:38I know, right?
07:42Oh, my God.
07:43It's your parents.
07:44What are they doing here?
07:45I don't know.
07:46We're screwed.
07:47What are we going to do?
07:48We're supposed to be living together.
07:50Wait.
07:52We are.
07:54Oh.
07:55Then open the door.
08:02Surprise!
08:04Hey, Mom.
08:05Hey, Dad.
08:06I think this is your first time in Patrick's apartment.
08:09where we live as an engaged couple.
08:13Hey, Mom.
08:14Dad.
08:15After the wedding.
08:18We're sorry to just drop in on you, darling,
08:21but your father had a business meeting here,
08:22and it's such a long drive back to San Diego.
08:24Do you mind if we spend the night?
08:26Uh, no problem.
08:28Do you need me to make your reservations?
08:29Any hotel.
08:30Where would you like to go?
08:31Far away?
08:33We wouldn't think of staying anywhere but with you.
08:38And we wouldn't think of it either.
08:40You've been so generous to us.
08:42We'd love to return the favor.
08:44Right, Patrick?
08:45Sure we would.
08:47I just have to call my associate
08:50and cancel my business for this evening.
08:52I was hoping to close the deal tonight,
08:55but I guess that can wait.
08:58I'm sure it can.
09:00Now, would you please show my father to the guest room?
09:02Oh, don't mind all of my stuff.
09:04I like to use it like a closet.
09:06You'd think she sleeps in there.
09:10I'm sorry about this, Lacey,
09:12but it was your father's idea to check up on you.
09:15He's worried that you might be marrying Patrick
09:17just for our money.
09:19Money?
09:19What money?
09:20I don't even know what money you're talking about.
09:23The million-dollar gift.
09:25Oh, it's a million dollars.
09:27That's right.
09:28I completely forgot about that.
09:31It's so unnecessary, but we'll take it.
09:35Lacey, my darling,
09:37wonderful news from your father.
09:39It's not just one night.
09:40They're staying at least a couple of nights.
09:44Our blessings have doubled.
09:46So much so that I think we should celebrate with wine.
09:50Who likes wine?
09:50Just me?
09:51Okay, then.
09:54And that girl said it was the best sex she's ever had.
09:57Not just on a train, but anywhere.
10:01That's great.
10:02But I asked you where you live.
10:04You didn't let me finish.
10:06Then I invited her to have sex for hours
10:08at my ranch-style house in the valley,
10:11which is where I live.
10:14Charlie, you've done nothing but talk about
10:16your sexual prowess since we got here.
10:18That's not true.
10:19I told you I have a beautiful daughter named Sam.
10:21Who you conceived during a marathon slam session.
10:24It was.
10:25I mean, it really was.
10:28Sorry about the way.
10:29Calzone takes a long time.
10:31Just like Charlie.
10:35You call that being subtle?
10:38Sorry.
10:38Just coming up with that one took me two hours.
10:41Speaking of two hours, Charlie here.
10:43Thank you, Brad.
10:44You can do it.
10:47Okay, look, it just bothers me
10:49that you're out there thinking
10:50that I'm Speedy Gonzalez
10:51or Quickdraw McGraw
10:52or any cartoon character
10:54who ejaculates prematurely.
10:58So, what, do you want to have sex again
11:00so you can feel better about yourself?
11:02Yes.
11:03You got it.
11:05It only took me two hours to get you there,
11:07which is a time frame
11:07I'm completely comfortable with.
11:10Hey, now.
11:11Sorry.
11:12I'll do it.
11:13I'm sorry, what?
11:14I'm still pretty easy.
11:17Well, this is great.
11:18You have to do something for me.
11:20Oh, I'll do it all for you all night long.
11:23I want an apology from Jen
11:24for that little stunt on the football field.
11:27Oh, come on.
11:27Nobody remembers that.
11:29Everyone called me a whore at our 20th reunion.
11:32Said yourself, you're easy.
11:35I get an apology.
11:37You get your do-over.
11:39Okay, fine.
11:40You got it.
11:41Just don't be this bossy in bed.
11:43It's been a little too excited.
11:47Oh, come on, Jen.
11:48It's just one little apology.
11:49No way.
11:50I can't believe you went down there and saw her.
11:53Jen, Jen.
11:54This woman has moved all over the country
11:56looking for a shred of happiness.
11:58And I believe, as a therapist,
12:00that her problem can be solved
12:01by you saying two little words.
12:03Oh, I've got two little words for her.
12:06Not those words.
12:08Just say, I'm sorry.
12:10Why do you care so much
12:12about this grocery store hoe?
12:15Because I'm a therapist.
12:17A fireman can't drive past a fire.
12:19A doctor can't drive past a car wreck.
12:22Well, I can't drive past
12:23a sad grocery store hoe.
12:27Fine.
12:31If you fill Sean's car with manure.
12:36You gotta be kidding me.
12:38Poo?
12:39Caca?
12:40Doo-doo?
12:42That guy cheated on me.
12:43Then he lied about it.
12:45He's full of crap,
12:45so I want his car to be, too.
12:47I want it full.
12:48I want it stinking.
12:49I want to smell it from here.
12:52All right, fine.
12:53I'll do it.
12:54Good.
12:55When I get a picture
12:57of his car filled with fertilizer,
12:59I'll go down and apologize
13:01to the grocery hoe.
13:03Oh, right.
13:03Great.
13:04Remember, just try to make it seem
13:06like it's heartfelt.
13:07Oh, and her name's Mandy,
13:08not grocery hoe.
13:12Good night, Mom.
13:13Good night, Dad.
13:14Good night, Mom.
13:14Good night, Dad.
13:15Don't do that.
13:19They're on to us.
13:21What?
13:22My mom just told me
13:23my dad thinks
13:24we're doing this for the money.
13:25Okay, tomorrow morning
13:27at breakfast,
13:27I will make you
13:28a stack of heart-shaped pancakes
13:30with a bacon arrow
13:31right through it,
13:32and then I will slap you
13:33on the butt
13:33and call you my woman.
13:35No, we'd better do
13:36something drastic right now.
13:38Grab the headboard.
13:39What?
13:39No, you grab the headboard.
13:41Wait, what are we about to do?
13:43We're gonna grab the headboard
13:45and make it sound
13:46like we're having sex.
13:47Good idea.
13:58I thought you loved me.
13:59What is that?
14:01Warming you up.
14:02I'm not an animal.
14:03What do you want?
14:07That's how you have sex?
14:09Look right out of the gate.
14:10What is wrong with you?
14:12I've been thinking
14:13about it all day.
14:14You're such a man.
14:16You know what?
14:17You're right.
14:18I am.
14:23Are you satisfied?
14:34Who's Andy?
14:39Lacey, come out here
14:41right now.
14:42I can't, Mom.
14:44We're making love.
14:46No.
14:47Well, I guess you don't
14:48want a grandbaby.
14:49What's up?
14:50Look what I found.
14:52A lascivious text message
14:53to you from someone
14:55named Andy.
14:56Andy, that's not...
14:58Integrity, Andy.
14:59Oh, no.
15:00You found a message
15:01to me from Andy
15:03on my phone.
15:05How stupid are you
15:07that you would ruin
15:08a chance to marry
15:09this wonderful man
15:10who sounds like
15:11he loves you very much,
15:14but probably needs
15:15to learn a little something
15:17about patience.
15:19What's going on?
15:22My mom found my phone.
15:25But that's...
15:25My phone.
15:26Yes, keep up.
15:28And she read this text message
15:31to me from a man
15:33named Andy.
15:35This is crazy.
15:36I need to see you again.
15:37I miss your body.
15:39I miss your lips.
15:41I want you so bad.
15:46I'm so sorry, Patrick,
15:48but as you can see,
15:49I've been sleeping
15:50with a man named Andy.
15:55You know what?
15:55Not a big deal.
15:56I'm going to let it slide.
15:58You're not angry?
15:59Yeah, you should be angry.
16:00Oh, of course I'm angry.
16:01That's a much more
16:02realistic reaction.
16:04How dare you?
16:07Hello?
16:08It's Andy.
16:09We need to talk.
16:10Your lover is here?
16:11I'll give him
16:12a piece of my mind.
16:13No, you stay right there.
16:16I'll handle this.
16:17Like a man.
16:19Like an angry...
16:20angry man.
16:22This may take a while.
16:26What is going on?
16:28I can't tell you right now,
16:29but if you love me,
16:30you will scream,
16:31ow.
16:31Ow!
16:32You love me.
16:36Dude.
16:41What the hell
16:42are you doing?
16:44What the hell
16:44are you doing
16:45up at six in the morning?
16:47I manage a strip club.
16:48I got home
16:48like an hour ago.
16:50Look,
16:51I am really tired
16:52and I'm almost done
16:53filling your car
16:54with cow crap,
16:54so if you can go to bed
16:56or something,
16:56that'd be great.
16:59Why would you do this?
17:01Look,
17:01Mandy said
17:02that the only way
17:02that she'd sleep with me
17:03again and let me prove myself
17:04is if Jen apologized to her.
17:06Jen said
17:06the only way
17:06she'd apologize to her
17:08is if I filled your car
17:09with cow crap
17:10and sent her a picture of it.
17:13So this whole thing's
17:14about getting laid.
17:16Cool.
17:19So help me pack
17:19the rest of this in
17:20and we'll go out
17:20to breakfast.
17:23No.
17:23No, no, no.
17:24No, no.
17:24You know what?
17:25There is absolutely
17:26only one way
17:26that I will call
17:28the cops on you.
17:30You get Jen
17:31to take me back.
17:33Dude,
17:33she asked me
17:33to fill your car
17:34with manure.
17:36Okay,
17:37there is absolutely
17:38only one other way.
17:40You get Lacey
17:42to take down
17:43her new website.
17:45Sean Healy
17:45is a cheating douchebag
17:47dot com,
17:48dot net,
17:49dot gov,
17:50and dot TV.
17:51I think she's planning
17:52a cable station
17:54of some kind.
17:56But I need
17:57the picture now.
17:57Can't you just trust me?
17:58How about you
17:59take the picture
17:59with my phone
18:01and when the website
18:02is down,
18:04I'll send it to you.
18:05Fine.
18:06All right.
18:06Okay,
18:07I just need to get
18:07one of you
18:07standing in front
18:08of the car
18:08looking bummed out.
18:10Well,
18:10I am pretty bummed out.
18:12Perfect.
18:13Say crap.
18:17Well,
18:17the good news is
18:18my parents bought it,
18:19but they think
18:20Patrick's a violent lunatic
18:21who beat up Andy
18:22for two hours.
18:24Hey,
18:25you mess around
18:25with my wife,
18:26you get dinner
18:26and a back rub.
18:27It's just the way it is.
18:30So,
18:30Lacey,
18:31you're still planning
18:31on cheating your parents
18:32out of a million dollars?
18:33Yes,
18:34so?
18:35Well,
18:35I heard you put up
18:36a website
18:36to humiliate Sean
18:37for cheating on you.
18:38Yes,
18:39so?
18:41I think it's
18:41hypocritical and unhealthy
18:42and you should
18:42take it down.
18:43No way.
18:44I'm sick of jerks.
18:45Okay,
18:46okay,
18:46what if I filled up
18:47Sean's car with manure
18:48and took a picture
18:49of it for you?
18:50That seems really weird,
18:51but it works for me.
18:53Ironically,
18:53that picture would be
18:54perfect for my website.
18:56So,
18:57we have a deal?
18:58I want one more thing.
18:59I want you to make Ed
19:01stop reporting me
19:02to the immigration service.
19:03I'm a citizen,
19:04you crazy old man!
19:06Why don't we let
19:07the government decide that?
19:11Ed?
19:12Oh,
19:12all right.
19:13But you've got to
19:14make Patrick quit
19:15telling the social security
19:16people that I'm dead.
19:19Why don't we let
19:19the government decide that?
19:22Patrick?
19:23Damn it,
19:24okay,
19:24but you have to tell
19:25Nolan to blow his nose.
19:27It's whistling so much
19:28he sounds like a traffic cop.
19:30If you blow your nose
19:32too much,
19:32it irritates the mucus membranes
19:34and then your sinuses
19:35can swell until
19:36they grow in your brain
19:37and you die.
19:39But I'll do it
19:40if you can make
19:41Lacey let me brush
19:42her hair.
19:44I have a brush.
19:47Lacey?
19:49Fine,
19:50but I better get
19:51that picture.
19:52You will.
19:53So,
19:53everybody,
19:54we have a deal?
19:55Sure.
19:56Yeah.
19:57All right.
19:58I'm getting laid.
20:04Hey.
20:05Hey.
20:06You came early?
20:08I guess it was your turn.
20:10Charlie,
20:11you're going to hate me,
20:12but I'm on my way
20:13to the airport.
20:14What?
20:15Why?
20:16After Jennifer apologized,
20:18I realized that
20:19I've been moving
20:19all over the country
20:20looking for a shred
20:22of happiness.
20:23And now that
20:24Jen and I
20:25have made our peace,
20:27I feel like
20:27I can go home again.
20:30Do you have any idea
20:31what I went through
20:31to make this happen?
20:33The immigration was called.
20:34The hair was brushed.
20:35Noses were blown.
20:38Okay,
20:39I don't understand
20:40any of that,
20:41but I have to go.
20:43No, no,
20:44wait, wait, wait, wait.
20:46Exactly how long
20:47is this flight to Ohio?
20:49Uh,
20:50I don't know,
20:50about four hours?
20:54Wow.
20:55That was amazing.
20:57So much better
20:59than in my parents' den.
21:01Wait, wait, wait.
21:02Den?
21:03We did it
21:03in your sister's bed.
21:05Really?
21:07Oh, my God,
21:08you're right.
21:10Kyle was the one
21:11who was fast.
21:13You were great.
21:16Ha, ha, ha!
Comments