- 1 day ago
Charlie and The Devil
Charlie invites a new therapy patient named Bob (Bob Clendenin) into the group, who casually tells everyone that he is the devil. Nolan makes a deal with Bob to sell his soul in exchange for Lacey falling in love with him. When Lacey is all over Nolan at the next session, even the skeptical Charlie starts to wonder. Meanwhile, Jen falls for a new neighbor while Sam falls for a young man who appears to be the neighbor's son, but the two are later revealed to be gay.
Charlie invites a new therapy patient named Bob (Bob Clendenin) into the group, who casually tells everyone that he is the devil. Nolan makes a deal with Bob to sell his soul in exchange for Lacey falling in love with him. When Lacey is all over Nolan at the next session, even the skeptical Charlie starts to wonder. Meanwhile, Jen falls for a new neighbor while Sam falls for a young man who appears to be the neighbor's son, but the two are later revealed to be gay.
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TVTranscript
00:00Welcome, everyone.
00:02You may have noticed we have a new member with us.
00:04This is Bob.
00:05Hey, guys.
00:06Hey.
00:07Bob got into a little legal trouble where he works.
00:11At Wendy's.
00:13You want to tell the group what caused the judge to recommend counseling?
00:16I had a disagreement with my boss.
00:19And you felt that warranted taking your Subaru and turning the regular entrance into a drive-thru entrance?
00:24Truth is, I've always had issues with anger.
00:27Uh, my boss at Wendy's was kind of disrespectful.
00:31Oh, uh, also, I'm the devil.
00:35Bob, just because people vilify us or we feel guilty about a certain incident, that doesn't mean we're the devil.
00:41You're right.
00:42We're not the devil.
00:43I'm the devil.
00:44And I don't feel guilty about anything.
00:47Okay, did the new guy just say that he was the devil?
00:50Yes, but we need confirmation.
00:52Ed, is this the man you work for?
00:56No!
00:57And I'm pretty sure that's just an expression.
01:00Back in the day when the fella called himself the devil, that just meant he liked big gals.
01:06No, actually, I meant that I am Satan.
01:08A ruler of the underworld, he of the cloven hoof.
01:13Well, this is all news to me, Bob.
01:15But there's nothing here in your file that says anything about you being the prince of darkness.
01:19Although I did kind of skip over that you listed your emergency contact as Charles Manson.
01:24He's always home.
01:25Seemed like a natural.
01:28Okay, I gotta go.
01:29I can't sit here anymore.
01:30Lacey, Lacey, if Bob's making you uncomfortable...
01:31No, I just got waxed and my shorts are sticking.
01:34I did that.
01:38You're the devil, huh?
01:41Tell your buddy Barack he's doing a hell of a job.
01:45I will.
01:46Oh, just so everybody knows, I'm still in the market for souls, so if you have one to sell
01:50for an unfulfilled dream or desire, I'm your guy.
01:54Bob, I'm gonna let you stay in group under one condition.
01:58Did you stop talking about all this devil stuff?
02:00Deal.
02:00I have something I'd like to talk about.
02:02Nolan has the floor.
02:04I really like Lacey a lot, and I would do anything to get her to like me.
02:10I would give anything, sell anything.
02:14Nolan!
02:16She's yours.
02:18Bob, we had a deal.
02:19Yeah, but it was with the devil.
02:22Okay, I'm gonna say something that I've never said before.
02:26No selling souls in group.
02:29I never put that in the rules, because I didn't think I had to.
02:40Yay!
02:41Mom's dead.
02:44You're no fun.
02:45You used to love my Halloween pranks when you were little.
02:48You'd cry, you had nightmares, you'd pee in your bed, it was awesome.
02:53Mom, I want to talk to you about Halloween.
02:56I can't wait.
02:57Stacy's having a party, so I'm not gonna be able to stay.
03:00Okay.
03:02You can go to Stacy's at nine.
03:04But until then, we're having forced mother-daughter fun.
03:09Ah!
03:10Ah!
03:11My thumb!
03:12Oh, I cut my thumb!
03:14Nice try, Mom.
03:15Oh, God, this isn't about you.
03:17This is real.
03:19This is bad.
03:20I need to go to the hospital.
03:21You're gonna have to drive.
03:23I get to drive?
03:25No, sucker!
03:29Hey.
03:30Hi.
03:33So, are you gonna dress up for Halloween?
03:36I was gonna go with the giant dick, but you beat me to it.
03:40That's painful, and I'm hurt.
03:44Seriously, why do you look like an idiot?
03:47Well, with Halloween coming up, I asked everyone in my group to dress in whatever costume they
03:52felt expressed where they're at in their life.
03:54So, you're the Johnny Walker whiskey guy?
03:57No, I'm the mad...
03:59Yes, I'm the Johnny Walker whiskey guy.
04:04Why are you here?
04:06I wanted to see if you would join me for a double date on Halloween.
04:11A double date?
04:12Gee whiz, who do I get, Laverne or Shirley?
04:16You get Carlita.
04:19Whoa.
04:19Oh, chaunt.
04:21What's her story?
04:22She's a motorcycle model.
04:24Really helps to get into softcore porn.
04:27Hey, Charlie.
04:28I just dropped Dad off.
04:30Hi, I'm Martin, Charlie's dad.
04:32How are you, sir?
04:33Sir, I like that.
04:34And you are?
04:35I'm Sean.
04:36Charlie's a new neighbor.
04:37I was just setting your son up with a young lady that I met in church.
04:43Church-going young man.
04:44I like that, too.
04:45My dad is a hardcore Catholic.
04:47Really?
04:48Charlie, the girl I'm setting him up with is more like softcore.
04:53Please, God, someday she'll be hardcore.
05:00What's her name?
05:01Carlita.
05:02So, Charlie, maybe you could take this Carlita to a church function for your first date.
05:07I'm not going back to church, Dad.
05:08It took me years to get that going to hell stuff out of my head.
05:11Excuse me.
05:13The devil wants his blueberry muffin.
05:18So, Sean, could we talk?
05:21Nolan, you're supposed to wear a costume that represents where you think you are in life.
05:27I am.
05:28I think I'm in California.
05:32Hey, Charlie, can I talk to you?
05:35I got a big problem.
05:37What is it?
05:38I'm really scared.
05:39I never should have sold my soul to Bob so Lacey would love me.
05:43Nolan, you didn't sell your soul to anybody.
05:45Trust me, as a recovering Catholic, I know the devil goes by many names.
05:49Bobby, one of them.
05:52Trust me.
05:53You're safe.
05:55Patrick, an astronaut.
05:57What's up with Dad?
05:59Well, I looked at my life and I feel like I am floating in space, completely alone.
06:10Also, I'm really kind of above everybody.
06:15Dad, I love what you got going on here.
06:18Your wife threw you out of the house.
06:19You're shacking up somewhere else.
06:22Money's tight.
06:23Is that why you dress like a hobo?
06:24No, no, that's Patrick.
06:25I'm not.
06:27Oh, you said hobo.
06:34You heard him just fine, didn't you?
06:36Yeah.
06:36I picked this costume just for that joke.
06:44And Bob, you are dressed like the devil.
06:50Where's Lacey?
06:51She should be here any minute.
06:54Hey.
06:57Speak of the me.
07:02Behold, Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile.
07:05Way to go, Lacey.
07:07And what makes you feel like Cleopatra?
07:09Well, she was super strong and, like, super smart.
07:14And she totally ruled her people.
07:17And she was great in the sack.
07:19But ultimately, she gave up her entire kingdom for the man that she loved.
07:26Oh, no.
07:33Shut up, Bob.
07:34Sorry.
07:39So, Cleo, I hear your parole hearing didn't go so well.
07:42No, it did not go so well.
07:43No, no, it did not.
07:45I understand you used the defense that one of your other personalities did it.
07:49That your crimes were committed by...
07:53Monique de Tuliter Fresca.
07:57She's a bad girl.
07:58She really likes fresca.
08:01I don't know why I didn't work.
08:04I'll tell you why.
08:06Because you're full of it.
08:07I see this all the time.
08:08People want to get out of crimes.
08:09People want attention.
08:10There's a patient in my group right now who says he's the devil.
08:14I don't know, Charlie.
08:15Any guy that says he's the devil, you got to take that seriously.
08:19Because one of those guys that says he's the guy is the guy.
08:25Well, he's not the guy, but one of my other patients thinks he's the guy and sold him his soul.
08:29Oh, he's doomed.
08:32All you can do now, Charlie, is protect yourself.
08:34First thing you got to do is say his name backwards.
08:37It's Bob.
08:39So let me see.
08:41Bob.
08:43Oh, damn, the devil's so tricky.
08:46He made it so you can never say his name backwards.
08:50Y'all done talking?
08:53Y'all done playing around?
08:56There ain't no way in hell that Charlie's patient is the devil.
08:59Any rational human being knows that.
09:01Exactly.
09:02Everyone listen to Wayne.
09:03The devil's right here in cell block D.
09:06No one listen to Wayne.
09:09This dude is Satan.
09:11When you meet him, oh, you'll know.
09:13You know, if your friend Bob took a trip to cell block D, he wouldn't dare call himself the devil
09:18anymore.
09:19Wayne, there is no devil.
09:22But you know what?
09:23Maybe if Bob met somebody with a similar delusion, it might jar him back to reality.
09:27Just make sure when you go down to cell block D, you say the Dark Lord's name backwards.
09:31And his name is?
09:32Otto.
09:35Of course it is.
09:39So, change of plans, Mom.
09:41I can only hang out with you till 7 on Halloween.
09:44What?
09:44We had a deal.
09:46You promised me you'd stay until 9.
09:48But Stacy's rich.
09:49Okay, that buys you an hour.
09:538 o'clock.
09:54But bring me home some rich people cake.
09:56And if the soap is good, take some of that, too.
09:59Honey, stay till 8.
10:018.
10:04Hello.
10:05Well, hello.
10:07I'm Jeff.
10:08I just moved in next door.
10:09I wanted to say hi.
10:10Hi.
10:11I'm Jennifer.
10:12This is my daughter, Sam.
10:14God, you and your wife got a great place.
10:16I love that house.
10:17Divorced.
10:18Oh, great.
10:19Me, too.
10:20Come in.
10:21Listen, why don't you come here for Halloween?
10:24I can give you all the local gossip over my witch's brew.
10:27It's just juice with a lot of vodka.
10:30I'll be by myself because Sam's going to a party early.
10:33Right, Sam?
10:34I am.
10:35At 7.
10:36You can go at 6 if you want.
10:40So, what do you say?
10:41I would love to, but I need to ask Quinn.
10:43We plan to spend Halloween together.
10:46Quinn, drop the box.
10:47Come meet the neighbors.
10:49He just got back from class.
10:50Hey.
10:52Cool skeleton.
10:53Yeah, we found it in a shallow grave in your backyard before you guys moved in.
10:58Is it okay if Quinn comes, too?
11:00Totally.
11:02Right, Mom?
11:02Of course.
11:03I mean, what about your party?
11:05That party's not important.
11:07I really want to spend Halloween with you.
11:09What a nice thing to say to your mother.
11:11She wasn't talking to me.
11:14I know this seems unusual, Bob, but seeing people locked up because of their anger is part
11:19of your therapy.
11:19Oh, hey, can we swing by death row later on before we leave?
11:22I want to thank them for their service.
11:26Why don't you wait here and I'll bring you in in a second.
11:40Who dares to stand before me?
11:45My name is Charlie Goodson.
11:46I run a therapy group in this prison.
11:47State your purpose.
11:49But know full well that all who doubt my supreme power shall burn in the lake of fire for all
11:56eternity.
11:58Good to know.
12:02Anywho, I brought someone I thought might benefit from meeting you.
12:05Bob?
12:13Hey, Bob, Otto, Otto, Bob.
12:22Goodbye, Lord of Darkness.
12:23I submit to you my mortal soul.
12:26Rise, my son.
12:29For as my minion, you shall rule by my side at the gates of hell.
12:34Really?
12:37That's how this is going?
12:40And you, for doubting me, I curse thee.
12:43You shall now lose something that you love.
12:47Sorry to get all formal.
12:48I'm working.
12:55What the hell?
12:56How can you do a Google search in the Bible and still come up with porn?
13:01Johnny, where are you?
13:02I'm in here.
13:05Hey, son, we have to talk.
13:08Ed tells me that you have the devil in your group?
13:11No, no, no, no.
13:11I have a guy who thinks he's the devil.
13:13So I'm trying to find some logical evidence here to prove to him that he's not.
13:17Charlie, there is nothing in any one of these books that can disprove the existence of
13:21the devil.
13:21He's as real as you and me.
13:24So you're saying that the curse he put on me is real?
13:26Curse?
13:27What curse?
13:27He said I was going to lose something I love.
13:29Oh, God, I'm a dead man.
13:31Trust me, Dad, you're safe.
13:32Oh.
13:34Charlie, if there was ever a time for you to come back to the church, now is that time.
13:38Put on the whole armor of God that ye may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.
13:44Ephesians, 6-11.
13:47Get out of my kitchen.
13:49Los Angeles, 7-45.
13:51Hey, son, am I going back to church, Dad?
13:53No, I'm just saying, you are dealing with the devil.
13:56I deal with the devil once a year.
13:57I hand him his Father's Day card and then I walk out.
14:05Lacey, for the last time, please get back in your seat and leave Nolan alone.
14:09But this is the only time I get to see him.
14:13He won't let me into his house and he won't answer my call.
14:16Because you're under the control of the devil.
14:20Where is Bob?
14:21Did he go down to Georgia?
14:24No, he took the night off for Halloween to make a few extra bucks.
14:26He tries to win costume contests in winged form.
14:31But you have to do something about this.
14:33I don't want to lose my soul.
14:35You know who else lost their soul?
14:38Usher, Usher, Usher.
14:42Nolan, it's meaningless.
14:43The guy even cursed me.
14:45He said that I would lose something I love.
14:46Like the way the world lost Usher when he lost his soul.
14:50Everything isn't about Usher!
14:52Okay, let me try one more time.
14:55Lacey, honey, Nolan's car has cloth seats.
14:59I don't care.
15:01Well, there's nothing more I can do.
15:04Lacey, just try one more time to explain to us why you're so in love with Nolan.
15:09I think it's because of his stained t-shirt.
15:13Or maybe it's the way he cuts his own hair that makes me want his Cheeto powdered fingers all over
15:20me.
15:20Get away from me, succubus!
15:25Get her off me!
15:26Get her off me!
15:27Come on, come on, come on, come on!
15:31Come on, come on, come on!
15:35All right, all right, all right, everybody just chill out!
15:37Bob is not the devil.
15:38Nolan's not going to lose his soul.
15:39We all just need to stop.
15:42I can't!
15:43I want him!
15:44Nolan, you got a hiss to her.
15:45Take it!
15:46I'm launching your ass, it's adorable!
15:49Don't look at my ass!
15:51You know I'm going to catch him, Charlie, right?
15:54He runs like a girl and I love that!
15:58I hope you're right about Bob not being the devil.
16:03Charlie, Charlie!
16:05Couple of Puerto Rican chicks in here that are just dying to meet you.
16:10If you weren't for me to sing something back, not going to happen.
16:15One is away.
16:17Okay.
16:19Charlie, this is Maria and Carlita.
16:24Hi, I'm Charlie.
16:26Sean, why don't you make us all a quick drink and I'll go upstairs and change?
16:29I've never gone out with a psychologist before.
16:31I hope you're not going to analyze me.
16:34Too late.
16:35Anybody who says that is intelligent, sexy, confident with their body, and attracted to
16:41guys named Charlie.
16:42Charlie, you're cute.
16:43I know, I'm Charlie.
16:46Oh my God, I am so sorry!
16:49Holy crap, where the hell did that come from?
16:51From your head!
16:53What?
16:55Dude, something is wrong with your hair.
16:58Oh my God.
17:00Bob the devil said I would lose something I love!
17:03Relax, it's fine, okay?
17:04Everything is okay.
17:06Listen, ladies, the bald guy's going to go upstairs and grab a hat, and then we'll get
17:09coming.
17:14Oh no, you are too young to dress like that.
17:17Yeah?
17:17And you're too old.
17:19Come on, Sam, I think I have a shot with this guy.
17:22Yeah, well, I actually think I have a shot with his son.
17:25A shot to do what?
17:26A lot less than you.
17:30Oh, that's them.
17:33Okay, sweetheart, you look beautiful.
17:35But you need to remember, if it doesn't work out for you, don't ruin Mommy's night.
17:44Tennis anymore?
17:46Oh, I love your outfits.
17:491970s tennis players?
17:50Hilarious.
17:51I can't believe people actually dress like that.
17:53Yeah, I know, right?
17:54We wore these at the parade this summer.
17:56The parade?
17:57Yeah, the gay pride parade.
17:58It was insane this year.
18:01You hear that, Mom?
18:02They went to the gay pride parade.
18:03Oh, good for you for being so supportive.
18:06Do you have a cousin or a nephew or someone who's gay?
18:08Oh, you're gay.
18:12You're gay.
18:13Okay.
18:14I love your outfit.
18:16Thanks, I'm a stupid nurse.
18:21Hey, don't worry about a thing.
18:22You'll look great bald.
18:24Or maybe you'll win the lottery and you can still get a woman.
18:28Dad, I'm freaking out here.
18:30Yes, I know that you are, and that's why you're going to mass with me this morning.
18:33Because as soon as you get your feet set back on the path of righteousness,
18:36the power of the devil over you will be greatly diminished.
18:39Yeah, maybe.
18:40I just feel like such an idiot.
18:43I've rebelled against this for the last 30 years.
18:45Why did it have to be my hair?
18:46I couldn't even put a plague upon my family and take in my oxen or something.
18:52Hey, guys.
18:53What are you both so dressed up for?
18:55We're just leaving for the 10 o'clock mass.
18:57You're going to search?
18:59That actually worked?
19:02What worked?
19:05God's will.
19:06Now, come on.
19:06I don't want to get a cracky puke.
19:08Hold on, hold on.
19:08That's not what worked.
19:09Something else worked.
19:10What the hell worked?
19:11The hair thing was a trick.
19:13A trick?
19:14Charlie, your hair is fine.
19:17This guy comes to me with this crazy plan to get you back into church,
19:20so I had Carlita pretend to pull some hair out of your head.
19:24You've got to admit, she was pretty convincing.
19:26Oh, yeah.
19:26She's going to kill in softcore porn.
19:30Why would you do that to me?
19:31It's Halloween.
19:33How could I believe you were a good Catholic boy
19:35who was going to help me get my son back to the church?
19:38It's Halloween.
19:42Well, you know what?
19:42You're both idiots.
19:44You, you're lucky I still got laid last night.
19:47And you, you had to suffer the indignity
19:49of hearing about your son getting laid last night.
19:54Well, as everyone can see, Bob is back with us today.
19:57Hey, guys.
19:58Would you please stop it
20:00with the whole regular guy devil thing?
20:02The devil would never say, hey, guys.
20:04If anything, he would say, greetings, mortals.
20:07I don't even think you could say that.
20:09Bob talks like a regular guy
20:11because that's all he is.
20:12Bob is not the devil.
20:13What are you talking about?
20:14Of course I am.
20:15You're not.
20:17Even I fell for it
20:19thanks to that seed of superstition
20:20my father planted in a meteor in my Catholic upbringing.
20:23I even went to church and talked to a priest.
20:26Those guys crack me up.
20:29He even had this ancient book
20:30of old Latin exorcism prayers.
20:33I gotta tell you,
20:34those books never made sense to me.
20:36I never learned Latin.
20:37A little Spanish, you know,
20:38just for the Inquisition.
20:41I even said one of those prayers, Bob.
20:43Bob, and that is how I know
20:48that you are not the devil
20:51because if you were,
20:53your hair would be falling out
20:54and plainly,
20:57oh, my God, your hair is falling out.
21:00All hailed, Baldy the devil.
21:04Why is this happening?
21:05I'm not the devil.
21:06I was just pretending
21:07to get a little respect at Wendy's.
21:09You don't understand
21:10the politics of that place.
21:14And this is not your hair.
21:17I gave my neighbor Sean a haircut.
21:20He owed me one.
21:21Plus, he's a heavy sleeper.
21:23So long, Bob.
21:25Fine.
21:27Goodbye, Satan.
21:31Wait, this is amazing.
21:32I didn't sell my soul,
21:34which means Lacey really loves me.
21:37Hey.
21:38Sorry I'm late.
21:40I just slept for 18 hours.
21:42I bet my friend
21:43that I could do ecstasy
21:44five days in a row
21:45and it wouldn't affect my life.
21:46And I totally won the bet.
21:50Ecstasy?
21:51You said you were in love with me.
21:53You said my ass was adorable.
21:57Wow, I did?
21:59Well, that didn't affect my life,
22:01so I still won the 50 bucks.
22:03Yay, me!
22:07Charlie, what the hell?
22:08You couldn't take hair from the back?
22:10You had to take it from the top?
22:13It was Halloween.
22:16Halloween.
22:28You had to take it from the back of the back of the back of the back of the back
22:31of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the
22:31back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of
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22:31of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the
22:32back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of
22:32the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back
22:32of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the
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22:32of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the back of the
22:32back
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