- 20 minutes ago
Charlie and The Virgin
Kate tells Charlie that a 32-year-old virgin patient of hers is looking for a "first experience" that won't be traumatizing, and Kate thinks a "close friend" might be the ideal sex surrogate. Charlie assumes she's asking him, but she was just "thinking aloud" and decides to go with a professional sex surrogate. Meanwhile, Sam and Jen's new hippie boyfriend Canvas get tattoos to test Jen, but even though Jen freaks out, because of how she expects Charlie will react, they don't tell her the whole story.
Kate tells Charlie that a 32-year-old virgin patient of hers is looking for a "first experience" that won't be traumatizing, and Kate thinks a "close friend" might be the ideal sex surrogate. Charlie assumes she's asking him, but she was just "thinking aloud" and decides to go with a professional sex surrogate. Meanwhile, Sam and Jen's new hippie boyfriend Canvas get tattoos to test Jen, but even though Jen freaks out, because of how she expects Charlie will react, they don't tell her the whole story.
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00:04Hey.
00:05Hey, there.
00:09Those magazines are pretty old, huh?
00:12Well, not according to, uh, sexiest man alive, Nick Nolte.
00:17Bye-bye.
00:24Hey, Doc.
00:26Who's in the skirt?
00:29Why are you talking like it's 1952?
00:31Well, according to your life magazine out there, that's current lingo.
00:35Her name's Erica. She owns the little gift shop downstairs.
00:38She's the reason why I asked you to stop by.
00:40I want to bounce an idea off you.
00:43Erica's situation is kind of interesting.
00:46She's a virgin.
00:47First time in therapy, huh?
00:49Mm-hmm. No.
00:51Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't mean that, that, that...
00:53Yes.
00:54No.
00:55Yes.
00:57How old?
00:5932.
01:01Childhood trauma?
01:02No.
01:03Religious guilt?
01:04No.
01:05What, she's been, like, really busy?
01:08It's the classic scenario.
01:09She was waiting to fall in love, never did, and past a certain point it became embarrassing, so she just
01:16never dealt with it.
01:18Good God, a virgin at 22.
01:21She's 32.
01:22Good God!
01:24So I've been seeing Erica for over a year, and she's anxious to sleep with someone.
01:29Really?
01:31The idea is causing her so much stress that I talked about arranging a surrogate.
01:37Interesting.
01:40But I'm afraid that paying someone for her first sexual experience might feel kind of clinical.
01:46I agree.
01:47Especially if she makes her wear that little paper gown.
01:50So then I thought, and I know it's unorthodox, maybe I should hook her up with a friend.
01:56I agree with that, too.
01:59Someone who's sexually experienced, generous in bed, someone I can trust, sensitive.
02:06Well, if you've got a friend like that, then you should use him.
02:10The problem is, ethically, I can't just come out and ask him to do this for me.
02:16So you shouldn't.
02:19Thanks for hearing me out.
02:21Always there for you.
02:25It's Erica.
02:27I should go over this with her.
02:28Yeah, gotcha.
02:31Hi, Erica.
02:33Thanks for calling.
02:34I just conferred with a colleague, and hearing it out loud made me realize we should definitely go with a
02:40professional sex surrogate.
02:43I don't know.
02:45It's not something they list on the resume, though clearly he's making a living with it.
02:55Have a great day.
03:01Erica?
03:02Hey, I know you.
03:04Hi, I'm Charlie.
03:05Hi.
03:05Dr. Whales sent me.
03:07She told me a bit about you and your situation, and I thought it'd be a good time to stop
03:10by and say hi.
03:13Wow, that was really fast.
03:15I just got off the phone with her.
03:16Well, Kate doesn't mess around.
03:17But I do.
03:19That's why she sent me.
03:22Okay.
03:24So you're the guy.
03:25Yep.
03:26I'm the guy.
03:28This is really happening.
03:29It's so strange to me, but I guess you do this all the time.
03:33Oh, hey, I have dry spells like everybody else.
03:37I'm just curious.
03:38When did you first realize you had a talent for this?
03:42Becky Johnson, I guess.
03:45She told all my friends, and I've been pretty busy ever since.
03:50Referrals, huh?
03:52They're okay.
03:55Well, I don't know if my shop's really the right place for this.
03:57There's not a lot of space on the counter.
03:59Yeah, this wouldn't work.
04:01Mostly because I'm only validated for another 27 minutes.
04:05Anyway, I thought I'd just come by and introduce myself and just make sure that you're comfortable with all this.
04:10Honestly, I'm a little nervous, but that's why I want to do this, so I won't be nervous anymore.
04:15Good for you.
04:17So, how about tonight?
04:19Tonight?
04:20Isn't that kind of quick?
04:22You're 32.
04:24Great. Tonight's good.
04:27Great, great. I'll just need your address and we're good to go.
04:31So, was this your major in college?
04:34Pretty much.
04:36This and frisbee.
04:41Hi.
04:43How is Venice Beach?
04:46Did you get that wax for your surfboard?
04:48No, they turned the surf shop into a pot dispensary.
04:52Turns out they've been selling pot the whole time, so they just got rid of the surfboards.
04:58But canvas did get a tattoo.
05:01Want to show her?
05:01It says free spirit in Chinese.
05:04Oh my God, that's so beautiful.
05:08I'm glad you like it, Mom, because I got one too.
05:12Oh my God, that's horrible.
05:16Wait, you just said that you thought it was beautiful.
05:19That's different. He's a grown-up. He's not my daughter.
05:23And I don't think he's ever going to apply for a real job.
05:27How could you let her do this?
05:29Free spirit.
05:31You know what? I need a minute.
05:34I have to figure out how I'm going to handle this with your father.
05:37You're both grounded. You, go to your room. You, go to your van.
05:44Wow, she was really bummed. Maybe we should tell her these are fake.
05:49No way. She's always begging you to loosen up and take chances.
05:52Now that she thinks I did this, we gotta let her live with it.
05:55Please, just one more day.
05:56I get it. I pulled a prank on my parents one time.
05:59I told them I was dropping out of school and I was going to live in my car.
06:05Oh my God.
06:07My whole life's been a prank.
06:10That's awesome.
06:13I understand you're looking for an intimacy specialist for a 32-year-old virgin.
06:19Yes, and you come highly recommended.
06:21You know, I was wavering between going with you and a layperson,
06:25which ironically sounds a lot like what you do.
06:32Let's move on.
06:34Thank God you didn't choose a layperson, because that could be disastrous.
06:38Someone who hasn't been trained properly might cause a sexually repressed woman
06:43to form unhealthy attachments by being, say, overly romantic.
06:51Wow.
06:52Erica, you look beautiful.
06:55Oh my God, this is so romantic.
06:58Well, then, I am doing everything right.
07:09I am not a racist. I just made a joke.
07:13How did we even end up on guns? We were talking about the weather.
07:17You give Ed any topic and he can get to guns in six moves.
07:21It's cloudy outside. Clouds make rain. Dustin Hoffman played rain man. Dustin Hoffman's a Jew.
07:28All Jews are liberals. Liberals want to take away my guns.
07:32I did it in five.
07:35Now, do cotton candy.
07:37Cotton candy? I love cotton candy.
07:39Anybody who tries to take away my cotton candy gets shot with my gun. One.
07:46Hey, guys.
07:47Patrick, can I talk to you for a second?
07:49Look, I have a big problem, all right? Sam came home with a tattoo.
07:52I've got to get it removed before Charlie's head explodes.
07:55It's not a tattoo of Charlie's head exploding, is it?
07:58Because that would be a real coincidence.
08:01Look, you told me once you had a tattoo removed, I need a referral. Who did it?
08:05Oh my God, don't do it. It is too painful and it never comes out right.
08:09Doesn't it just disappear?
08:10Well, kind of.
08:15Oh, look, you left a mark.
08:20Hey.
08:21Hey.
08:24You know that feeling where you've done something good for somebody and you just know it's gonna change their life?
08:28And you got a little something good out of it, too?
08:30Yeah. I did something really good for Erica.
08:33Yeah, you did.
08:36Oh, did I tell you I met with a Dr. Higgins and he's gonna be her sex surrogate?
08:40Uh, uh, Dr. Who?
08:42Higgins.
08:44What happened to just going with a friend?
08:46Yeah, I was thinking of asking my friend Miguel, but...
08:49Who?
08:52Thank God I didn't.
08:54I realize you have to go with a professional or else it could be a real disaster.
08:59Disaster? I'm sure the guy would have been very romantic.
09:02Yeah, that's exactly the problem.
09:03A professional sex surrogate knows just what to do to keep the client from getting, you know, emotionally attached.
09:09Obviously.
09:11An amateur might have brought her flowers and wine and carried her into the bedroom.
09:19Uh, can you imagine?
09:22Pretty clearly.
09:26So, I'm sorry, I changed the subject.
09:29You were talking about that feeling when you do something good for someone?
09:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:34I was just gonna say how quickly that feeling just goes away.
09:42You don't understand, Michael.
09:44I deflowered somebody else's virgin.
09:46I parked my car in a red zone.
09:48And she's 32?
09:50That's crazy.
09:52I mean, 23 in four months is gotta be about average, right?
09:5823 is fine.
09:59The four months, though, I'd keep that part to yourself.
10:01I've always wanted to make love to a virgin.
10:03Someone with nothing to compare me to.
10:06I don't know.
10:07First time I ate Brussels sprouts, I knew I hated them.
10:10Why do I even come over here?
10:12I never leave feeling better than when I arrive.
10:14I just wanted her first time to be really special.
10:17But by bringing romance in, I created an emotional bond,
10:20and now it's gonna blow up in my face.
10:21So, you think she's gonna be clingy and follow you around like a baby duck?
10:26Man, you've got some ego.
10:30Oh, my God, it's the duck.
10:35What should I do?
10:36I would ride that for as much sex as I possibly could
10:39until it blew up in my face.
10:40And then I crawl weeping from the emotional wreckage.
10:45It's not my advice.
10:46It's just what I do.
10:48Do me a favor.
10:49Take this into the group.
10:51Tell them I'll be right there.
10:51Well, should I give them a reason?
10:53You won't need to.
10:54Let's spend the first five minutes bitching to each other about the muffins.
11:00Hey.
11:00Hey.
11:01I didn't know if you'd be home.
11:02I was just gonna leave this here for you.
11:05Wow.
11:06A flower?
11:07A note?
11:08A note.
11:09And you found out where I live.
11:12I hope I didn't cross the line.
11:14I just...
11:14I wanted to come and thank you for helping me lose my virginity
11:18and for being so sweet about it.
11:20Turns out they don't make a card for that.
11:23Yeah, they make get-well cards for cats.
11:27Heard you had a...
11:28meowie.
11:32Anyway, I just...
11:33I wanted to tell you that I know what last night was.
11:37And I don't expect to see you again, but that it was really great.
11:41So...
11:42Good work.
11:44That's all you're here for?
11:46Yeah.
11:47That was it.
11:48Well, take care.
11:49Wait, wait, wait.
11:51Wait, wait, wait.
11:51There's something I gotta tell you.
11:55I'm not a professional sex surrogate.
11:58What?
12:00I'm a therapist.
12:01I'm a colleague of Kate's.
12:02Last night was my first time too.
12:04As a sex surrogate?
12:06Oh, yeah.
12:07Obviously not the other part.
12:10Wow.
12:11Okay.
12:13Let me just process this.
12:15You know what?
12:17It's actually a relief.
12:18I mean, when I thought you were a professional, I was afraid you'd slept with tons of women.
12:24Yeah.
12:31So, if you're not a surrogate, does that mean we're allowed to keep seeing each other?
12:38How the hell would I know?
12:39I'm not a professional.
12:40I mean, I would love to, but I'm just not sure that Kate would be too thrilled about it.
12:44Why does Kate have to know?
12:47First, the sex and the secrets.
12:50What's next?
12:52Anything you want.
12:54Wow.
12:55Maybe I should make a card for that.
13:01So, how much do you charge for a belt?
13:04I don't charge.
13:05I barter.
13:07Yesterday, I traded one for a dog.
13:09And then I traded the dog for a guitar, and then the guitar for a dog leash.
13:14What do you need the leash for?
13:16To walk the dog.
13:19Oh, bummer.
13:24Oh, hey, beauty.
13:25I just saved both your asses.
13:27Thank you so much.
13:29What are you talking about?
13:33Oh, my God.
13:34You got a tattoo?
13:36Damn right I did.
13:37Mine says sacrifice.
13:38Now I can tell your dad it was my idea that we all got matching tattoos that'll be mad at
13:43me, not you.
13:44And he won't strangle you with one of your belts.
13:49Okay, what's going on?
13:51Uh, beauty, I, um, I have a truth to share.
13:57Our tattoos are fake, Mom.
14:00What?!
14:00I was doing it to try to make a point about you accepting me as I am. I'm so sorry.
14:06My tattoo's real. It's gonna be there forever.
14:10And it's not even Tinker Bell wearing a cowboy hat, which is what I always wanted.
14:16We can go back, and you can get that one, and I'll get a real one, just like you.
14:19You think I want you walking around like some slut with a tattoo on the back of your neck?
14:25Oh, my God.
14:31Ready for lunch?
14:32It is gorgeous outside.
14:34I just saw a dove kissing a butterfly.
14:36He's probably eating it.
14:40Yeah, it's possible. I mean, I was dead wrong about that cheetah playing tag with the gazelle on Animal Planet.
14:45Boy, in Africa, when you're it, you're it.
14:49What's going on with you?
14:51You know that sensitive professional surrogate I hired for Erica?
14:55I gotta go.
14:56That low-life bastard is dating her now.
14:59How do you know that?
15:00Because I just talked to Erica on the phone.
15:02She's dating someone now, but she won't tell me who it is.
15:04Who else can it be? Can you believe how unethical that jerk is?
15:09Hell, yeah. It's totally unethical for a professional surrogate.
15:14I'm gonna file a report with the APA.
15:15No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know what to be better?
15:18Don't talk to him. Don't even read his emails. That'll teach him.
15:21Kate, I just got your message. I got here as soon as I could.
15:25How dare you take advantage of one of my patients?
15:27What are you talking about?
15:28Oh, so you're the guy. I got a few things to say to you, mister.
15:34Kate, can you give us a minute?
15:36It's my office.
15:38Right. We'll leave. Come on, buddy, let's go.
15:41Look, I'll take care of this.
15:43Do you have any idea what an ethical violation it is for you to be dating Erica?
15:49Dating? I haven't even called her yet.
15:51That's a lie.
15:52Yeah, you can't just come in here with all your lies. You should be ashamed of yourself.
15:57Now, get out of here and never contact Kate again.
16:00I'm gonna call the ethics board right now.
16:01Now, hold on, hold on, hold on. Don't do that.
16:03Let's just try to look at this objectively.
16:05You mean objectively?
16:06Nah, that's not gonna help.
16:09All right, all right. Let's say that he is dating her.
16:11I'm not dating her.
16:13Will you shut up? I'm trying to help you.
16:17A relationship with a healthy man like this following a sexual awakening might be the best thing that ever happened
16:22to her.
16:22And a real feather in your cap.
16:26Charlie?
16:27Yeah?
16:29What's going on?
16:32I'll tell you what's going on.
16:34First of all, you look beautiful.
16:37I should have said something when I walked in, but hey, it's never too late to say that...
16:40What is it, Charlie?
16:41Yeah, what is it?
16:42Shut up!
16:47Have you ever accidentally slept with someone before?
16:51No.
16:52You are really not helping here, pal.
16:58I am so sorry about the misunderstanding. I will call you tomorrow.
17:02You should report this guy.
17:03Shut up. You're one step away from being a whore.
17:11How could you sleep with my patient?
17:14Your directions were very confusing.
17:16Sometimes the way you phrase things, it sounds like you want me to have sex with your patients.
17:23You have no idea the problems you've caused. She actually thinks she's going to keep dating you.
17:28We are going to keep dating. We have fun together. In fact, I happen to know that I'm the best
17:32lover she's ever had.
17:35Okay. You misunderstood me before, so I'm going to be very clear on this. I do not want you dating
17:41Erica.
17:42Kate, I'm a therapist. I understand the pitfalls. But I like her.
17:46It won't work.
17:47Why not?
17:48Because you can't put a woman who just got a driver's permit behind the wheel of a guy who's banged
17:53a million women.
17:56Wow. I didn't think you were going to pull off the metaphor, but you actually did.
18:04So how did you lose your virginity?
18:07Baseball camp. There was one girl on the team, and every day she wanted to prove that she was one
18:11of the guys.
18:12And then one night she decided to prove that she wasn't.
18:19Good looking guy.
18:20What? No. I was just thinking about what I wanted to order.
18:24Erica, it's okay. This is all new to you. You're just wondering what it'd be like to be with another
18:28super handsome guy.
18:30No, not at all.
18:34I feel like having meat.
18:38What?
18:39For dinner. For dinner.
18:42Erica, I'm not threatened. It's perfectly natural for an attractive person to look at other attractive people.
18:48Yeah, like that tall guy over there. I bet I'd feel so small and helpless next to him.
18:54Okay, we need to talk. Here's what's happening. You just had your first steak.
19:00And it was really good. I'm talking five stars on Yelp.
19:05And pretty soon you'll be curious about Indian food and Italian food and whatever hell kind of food that guy
19:13is.
19:16And that's healthy.
19:18Is it? I just think because I've shut myself off to men for so long, now it's like they're half
19:23the population or something.
19:26It's a shame because you're really great.
19:29What are you saying?
19:31I'm saying that this won't work. You shouldn't be tied down by me. You should be tied down by lots
19:37of guys.
19:39And I really like you.
19:40And I like you too, but trust me, you need to get out there and experience all kinds of people.
19:44And once you've gotten that out of your system, if you're still interested, get tested and come back to me.
19:53So, so you got this thing to keep me from killing canvas?
19:57Yeah, when I thought he took Sam to get a tattoo, I overreacted.
20:00No, you got it right. I would have strangled him with one of his legs and then made it look
20:04like a yoga accident.
20:06Hey, hey, dig the new tattoo.
20:10Thanks. The long story.
20:12You know, I spent a few months studying in Shanghai.
20:16Why does it say sack of rice?
20:18What? It's supposed to say sacrifice.
20:21Dammit.
20:25So, you want to talk to me?
20:28Yes, yes. I just wanted you to know that I thought about what you said.
20:35So, I've broken up with Erica.
20:37It was the right thing to do.
20:39So, she left you to take a tour of Bonertown, right?
20:42Yep. She's on a cockabout.
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