- 6 hours ago
Charlie and The Grad Student
Charlie invites Ellie (Brea Grant), an attractive grad-student, to observe a therapy session only to have to compete with Nolan for her affection. Meanwhile, Ed and Martin come up with a plan to scam the government by hosting a disabled war veteran in their house.
Charlie invites Ellie (Brea Grant), an attractive grad-student, to observe a therapy session only to have to compete with Nolan for her affection. Meanwhile, Ed and Martin come up with a plan to scam the government by hosting a disabled war veteran in their house.
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TVTranscript
00:06so Ed you seem pretty angry today hell's up with that well I'm angry because living with your
00:13father's put me in the poorhouse we pool our grocery money and he wastes it by buying brand
00:19name sandwich meat and his two-ply quilted toilet paper well he always had a taste for the finer
00:31things nectar of the gods yeah I know you're going through some stuff with what's-her-name leaving
00:38and all but how long are you planning on being weird you mean being a white-hot comet of awesome
00:48look the way to resolve problems is to sit down and talk it out like reasonable adults
00:56I was with this lady last night and we're having a disagreement about whether we
01:00continue seeing each other or not but we talked it out and it's over
01:05I know you're in there you can't just ignore me Carl and by the way I took down your license
01:15plate
01:15I know your name's Charlie another way to resolve problems to be very quiet and pretend you're not
01:24I can see you you jerk yo Carl I think she can see you all right it's like I have
01:34to go deal with this
01:46so what really happened is you slept with some hoe bag gave her a fake name and then ran off
01:51without
01:52talking to her ever at all Lacey you know nothing of my personal life which makes the fact that you're
01:58absolutely right so remarkable hey she left you see this is a potentially very volatile situation but
02:07I diffused it by not engaging she smashed your windshield aren't you gonna do something you
02:20know what I made a mistake and I'm paying the price it doesn't look like I'm getting a discount
02:33hey Charlie you got a few minutes I need your help a second yeah I can't an old professor of
02:38mine
02:39asked me to lecture his class tomorrow and I don't know what the hell I'm gonna talk about maybe you
02:43should talk about the Loch Ness monster I wish it's got to be something to do with therapy oh that
02:52sucks
02:54you got a screwdriver I found a secret door in the basement my new place but it's locked
03:00kind of hoping it's a wine cellar now I'm pretty sure the guy next door had a sex dungeon
03:05really why why would you say that because the sounds I heard coming out of that house at night
03:09were not coming from a fine cabernet oh hey did you know that somebody smashed the crap out of your
03:16windshield yeah I spent the day running errands on my daughter's bike you ever show up to a parent
03:21teacher meeting on a pink Schwinn there are questions let me guess crazy girl extremely crazy
03:32girls are the best yeah they're wild as hell to hang out with and the sex is incredible you never
03:39know
03:39what the hell is gonna happen hmm well that's the problem I am all about fun right now but I
03:46am done
03:46with the insanity no more crazy girls never again no I get it I know you know what the problem
03:51is is
03:52that there's no real good way of ending it with girls like that I've changed jobs and then moved they
03:59fake my own death and they uh they're there they're there at the funeral you know they're not even subtle
04:05about it I mean they they show up you know dressed like whores god I love them I miss them
04:15already
04:20hey guess who was checking me out on the stairs that redhead in 1b she can't keep her eyes off
04:26me
04:26she's legally blind why she can still see shapes you want to explain this tube of toothpaste I found in
04:36the trash look here
04:44this is what you threw away get off my back know very well I'm doing the best I can look
04:51how much I've
04:52shaved on razor blades you two shut up you're gonna wake up my baby it's not a real baby it's
05:00a foster
05:00baby and it's seven keep it down no the only reason she's got that kid is for the fat check
05:10she scams
05:10out of the government to take care of it oh come on it's a good thing when the government pays
05:15people
05:16to take care of others it's like when the VA sometimes hires people to take care of vets what yeah
05:21you know how they hire qualified people to set up little halfway houses so some of the vets coming
05:27home from the war can have a nice place to live instead of a hospital what if you don't spend
05:32all
05:32the money on the vet you get to keep the extrae what are you thinking Ed I'm thinking it's our
05:41patriotic duty to set up a halfway house I mean if Uncle Sam's gonna throw money around like a drunk
05:47sailor I'm gonna be at the port with my skirt hiked up so I've been up here for a while
05:55trying to give
05:56you guys a real speech note cards and everything screw it this is what I really think my old professor
06:12told me that I would be speaking to the best and the brightest today but all I see is a
06:17bunch of
06:17arrogant little pricks who think they're better than the patients they're gonna be helping excuse me
06:22are you gonna take any shut up the truth is you are as screwed up as your patients but that
06:31is the only
06:32honest way that you're gonna connect to them look at me I am an awesome brilliant therapist why I have
06:40anger issues I drink too much there's a good chance I'm a sex addict you what's your problem what is
06:50gonna make you a great therapist I can't use public restrooms there's ghosts in them well duh see see
07:03you you could be the next Freud so what I'm saying is you owe it to your patients to be
07:08balls out crazy
07:09they deserve it thank you oh and the future is yours blah blah blah Mr. Goodson
07:23hello I scared you worry about it no I meant to I loved your lecture me too I mean the
07:36person you're
07:36describing that's me I am so screwed up you have no idea no I have an idea is there any
07:46way I could
07:47sit in on your therapy group and watch you work you won't even know I'm there yeah I don't know
07:52I
07:52kind of made a promise to myself please I want to be as good at therapy as I am bad
07:59at choosing men
08:01what was that promise that I would say yes to more things
08:11so when did you know you were screwed up enough to be a therapist when does the sun know it's
08:15shiny
08:16enough when does water know it's wet enough when do I know the coffee's ready little light goes on
08:25so I got the basement door open you were right it is a sex dungeon I'm Sean I have a
08:31sex dungeon
08:33I designed a sex dungeon for my medieval sexuality class that's a real class not yet right now it's
08:40more of a club very nice you almost made it a whole day this is Ellie she's a psych student
08:49you're
08:49gonna get her clinical hours with me right would you mind putting this out on the pool table sure
08:56oh and make sure your dungeon has plenty of shelf space people always forget about the shelf space
09:02yeah you don't want whips and chains all over the floor it makes you look sloppy
09:07so you're fishing in the crazy lake again huh what's her story her story is she's going to be mine
09:14so stay away from her the end oh come on you're pretty adamant I mean are you sure that you're
09:19ready to deal with the crap that'll go down after you hook up with a girl like that because I
09:25am
09:27don't even think about it she worships me daddy issues dad I hope so
09:36so you're a grad student at UCLA I took photography there oh really when uh right before they threw me
09:42out if they realized I hadn't applied registered or paid for it oh I like that why should knowledge
09:49cost money I don't think anything should cost money you know much money people would have if we didn't
09:54have to buy anything we'd all be rich and then we could help out the poor nice you're a socialist
10:01actually uh I'm pretty shy well maybe I can do something about that or maybe not
10:13so I see you've met Nolan he's my most difficult patient classic masochist oh really is he seeing
10:21someone no but he's a patient we're the doctors we're different oh you said in your lecture that
10:29we're all on the same level uh it changes different the same it's fluid write that down your little
10:36notebook okay everybody well Ed can't be here today because he and my father are picking up some poor
10:42war veteran obviously hadn't suffered enough oh and this is Ellie the grad student is going to be
10:47observing our group I'm not comfortable with this when you said she was a psychology student
10:52I thought she would look like a scientist but she looks more like a TV scientist you know why you're
10:59uncomfortable Lacey because Ellie represents the unknown and the unknown can be frightening like a
11:04dark room or a relationship with someone you admire or sea cave or lusting after someone you admire
11:16why'd you have to bring up sea caves now we'll be able to sleep you know Nolan sea caves are
11:23symbolic
11:23of a strong sexual desire maybe you like someone maybe someone would like you to shut your sea cave
11:37after we deduct everything we're spending on this young man
11:40we will receive a grand total are you ready for this eight hundred and twenty four dollars a month
11:47from the VA you sir are a genius damn do you know what this means brand name groceries wine and
11:58bottles
12:00movies at night you're thinking small Ed how about big screen TV and two lazy boys yeah leather ones
12:07with cup holders oh here he is hello soldier hey fellas I don't want to sound like a negative Nelly
12:17but
12:17I think I'm gonna need a handicap bar in the tub after all when I tried to pull myself out
12:22the rope with
12:23the notch you tied to the toilet slipped right off we're really sorry about that we'll get you one first
12:29thing tomorrow we want you to be happy here this is your home speaking of that you know what else
12:34would
12:34really be helpful a ramp on the outside steps oh and I'm supposed to have a hospital bed you know
12:41one of those ones that goes up and down can't we just put some books under one end of the
12:45sofa no you
12:48can't oh and uh what kind of van were you planning on renting that your chair has wheels you're
12:58practically a van already you guys are killing me like the Taliban tried to do when I was serving my
13:06country blessed to have you both in my life I'm gonna go to my room I don't cry in front
13:15of you
13:23bed a van I'm going to my room I don't want to cry in front of you either
13:33the thing is Lacey I am as flawed as you are so I can relate to you in fact I
13:37know what you're gonna
13:38say before you say it all right let me tell you about my dream I knew you're gonna say that
13:42go
13:45okay I'm standing in a hallway and I see this figure walking towards me so I turn on a light
13:51and it was Jesus my third grade teacher damn it so close all right well we're out of time we'll
14:00continue the session next week so Ellie will you be coming back next week Charlie will have me oh I'm
14:12sure he will have you Charlie I have a question I know Ellie is here in a professional capacity but
14:24I really like her a lot would it be okay if I asked her out absolutely not yeah but I
14:29think she likes
14:30me she doesn't but I really thought I was catching a vibe you weren't but you're right she's here to
14:38her work so she's totally off limits but she's not a therapist it doesn't matter she's on loan from
14:44the school it's like checking a book out of the library none of us are allowed to have sex with
14:49it
14:54so you're actually breaking the boundaries of traditional therapy in a lot of areas yes yes I am
15:00conducting a research study where we observe subjects having sex to determine how much they enjoy doing it
15:05in a in a non-committed relationship and the answer we're getting is a lot
15:12hey Brett bear me you got it darling oh look it's Charlie and Ellie and they're still working
15:20after hours he's gonna be a great mentor they're on a date honey what she's off limits how do you
15:27know
15:27they're on a date because he ordered champagne that's what he does when he's on a date and I bring
15:31it over to him and then I slip in a little compliment son of a bitch he lied to me
15:37you have
15:38sex with my library book here's your champagne Charlie and good news tonight it's on the house
15:44for everybody with no STDs you're welcome we didn't build the ramp high enough well it'll have to do I'm
15:54not gonna go tear more wood off that old abandoned house on the corner it's not abandoned an old deaf
15:59lady
16:00lives there well I knocked on the door and she wasn't home hey there you are we spent all day
16:08yesterday cooking meals for your guests there should be enough here to last at least two weeks is he here
16:14I've never known a real war veteran hey young lady what about us no I mean like from a Jake
16:20Dylan Hall warren not like a Tom Hanks war hey guys good news the VA check to cover my expenses
16:27just
16:27came the mailman gave it to me after he helped carry me up the steps ladies you guys are taking
16:38money from the VA I thought you were paying for everything with your social security checks well
16:43it's pretty damn close I mean we're barely turning a profit on this video Ed a profit look we're just
16:51trying to be patriotic I mean yeah you know one of the advantages of being patriotic these days is that
16:57sometimes you get paid for it you two are vets and you're scamming the government I don't want to see
17:03either of you guys for a while but I do want my Tupperware back so I'm conflicted let's go Sam
17:09I feel
17:13terrible you're not making more money on this deal yeah I know what you mean if we're gonna do this
17:19thing we need to do it right we just don't have enough of those guys living here to make it
17:23cost
17:23effective we need more volume where's the shower you're in line for it you know a lot of people
17:44say I'm too honest but you got to tell people the truth trust me they respect you for it so
17:50I want to
17:50thank you for having me back you arrogant little pricks mr. Goodson Nolan what are you doing here I
17:59have a question you're a douchebag I have a follow-up question screw you okay Nolan I think I know
18:10what
18:10this is about I don't want the whole world to hear how you lied to me he told me that
18:16nobody from our
18:17group could date that girl right there hey because it was unethical and then he went out with her
18:25himself you told him that yes and you want to know why why you ask you're gonna ask me why
18:36well I'm asking
18:38my oh I know to teach this this emotionally repressed and deeply passive young man to stand up for himself
18:46and obviously my methods are working my stupid jerk well done thank you don't clap he's making the whole
18:57thing up he's a terrible terrible person there you go let it all
19:03damn it I hope that you roast in the fires of eternal hell and that your hair catches fire but
19:11only half of it burns so you look ridiculous
19:25Nolan wait great lecture man yeah nobody likes to suck up you jerk nobody likes a guy who turns on
19:31a dime
19:33Nolan come on I'm not gonna forgive you don't make a scene I'm thinking about sneaking into more classes
19:38here they got a course on medieval sexuality look look look look I screwed up but she's not interested
19:46in me she likes you she told me really yes now take that attitude you had in there and go
19:51get her
19:51I don't know Nolan Nolan just now in class you showed a lot of balls sorry I like to rest
19:58my feet
19:58on the chair in front of me she's right there and you've got a scooter unless she starts running you've
20:04got a chance so where's dr. slut she won't be joining us anymore oh that's too bad I really liked
20:15her
20:17sorry I'm late someone stole my scooter then why are you wearing your helmet because they didn't steal my
20:24helmet there's a great end to a great day Ellie and I are over wait you went out with dr.
20:34slut I hate that
20:35bitch place you don't call her a bitch that's what happened with dr. slut I really liked her once she
20:43found out I had weed that's all she wanted to do she's like a weed fiend finally I had to
20:49tell her I
20:49couldn't see her anymore I'm proud of you Nolan so how was the sex crazy let me guess after you
20:58broke
20:58up with her she came over screaming pounding on your door no she smashed your car windshield no well
21:06she's crazy she must have done something she gave me a fruit basket and wished me well I knew it
21:14crazy as crazy as the day is long
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