- 18 minutes ago
Charlie and The Sting
Charlie asks Jen to play a scientist looking for a research grant, so he can get Dr. Moore (the man Kate wants to sleep with) to admit that he sleeps with candidates then doesn't give them any grant money. Although the sting eventually succeeds, Charlie finds a note from Kate stating she has left town, disgusted with herself that she was willing to have sex for a grant. Meanwhile, Lacey brings Martin along to her yoga class and asks him to pretend to be her father, so that her hot instructor will see her as a kindhearted woman.
Charlie asks Jen to play a scientist looking for a research grant, so he can get Dr. Moore (the man Kate wants to sleep with) to admit that he sleeps with candidates then doesn't give them any grant money. Although the sting eventually succeeds, Charlie finds a note from Kate stating she has left town, disgusted with herself that she was willing to have sex for a grant. Meanwhile, Lacey brings Martin along to her yoga class and asks him to pretend to be her father, so that her hot instructor will see her as a kindhearted woman.
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TVTranscript
00:01Hey, Charlotte.
00:02Whatever it is, I can't deal with it right now.
00:04I got a lot on my mind, and I'm about to start group.
00:06But this is huge.
00:08Fine, what is it?
00:10I'm into fat chicks.
00:12I went to a party this weekend,
00:14and the big girls are awesome.
00:18If you're holding the dip bowl,
00:19you're in the center of the action.
00:22What kind of a low-rent suburban shindig were you at
00:24where they made you hold the dip bowl?
00:26You don't seem happy for me.
00:28I just spoke to Kate.
00:29She went out with the guy who might give us the grant money
00:31for our research.
00:33Sounds like she came within an inch of sleeping with him.
00:35Wait, wait, wait.
00:36I thought you wanted her to sleep with the guy
00:38so you could get the grant to keep your sex study going.
00:41That was only when the guy was a woman.
00:43Sleeping with a guy who's a guy is totally unsavory.
00:46Oh, so you're okay with her having sex
00:48as long as it's lesbian sex?
00:49Well, that's totally savory.
00:54What are you blaming me for?
00:55If you were in better shape, you wouldn't have hurt your back.
00:58Oh, for heaven's sakes.
01:00Whoa, Martin, are you okay?
01:01No, I'm fine.
01:02Getting old is tough.
01:04My grandpa sneezed once, and now he looks like the letter N.
01:07Oh, please.
01:08He threw his back out this morning in the park
01:11playing chess with the local Negroes.
01:15Was it the chess, Ed?
01:16Or was it the running away after you called them local Negroes?
01:22Well, what's the big deal?
01:23They call it the United Negro College Fund.
01:26How come when I say it, I end up hiding behind a jungle gym?
01:31Because, Ed, you called the man you were playing chess with jungle gym.
01:38Oh.
01:40Martin, if your back hurts, you could come with me to yoga tomorrow afternoon.
01:44I think it'll totally help you.
01:46No, thanks for the offer, Lacey, but there's nothing wrong with my back.
01:49And even if there was, I'm afraid yoga's a little out of my price range.
01:52No problem.
01:53I've got a two-week guest pass for family members.
01:56You could pretend to be my dad.
01:58When I was 14, I found out my dad was pretending to be my dad.
02:02I also found out I was 16.
02:07Please, Martin.
02:11Sure, I'd be delighted to play your father, but not because I need it,
02:14because, you know, I don't need it.
02:19What's the matter?
02:20Aren't you gonna pick up those keys with that healthy back?
02:25You know me, I like to make a game out of life.
02:29For example, let's see if I can get these keys up and out the door,
02:33down to the curb and up onto the hood of my car,
02:36while only using my feet.
02:41Since when do you care about Martin's back?
02:43Or anybody's back?
02:45Or anybody?
02:45Or anything?
02:47Shh.
02:48My yoga teacher is super hot.
02:50The only bad thing about him is he cares about family and karma and all that crap.
02:57Voila.
02:58Goodbye, everyone.
03:00Are these your keys, Grandpa?
03:02You're not allowed to touch them.
03:04He's playing a game.
03:05Oh.
03:06Sorry, Grandpa.
03:11Kate?
03:14Kate?
03:16Oh.
03:17Hello, Charlie.
03:19Leslie.
03:20What the hell are you doing here?
03:21I'm taking Kate to lunch.
03:23We're going to discuss the Grant.
03:25She's, uh, waiting in the car.
03:27Wait a second.
03:29You're the guy in charge of the grants?
03:32Surprise.
03:36Your entire future is in my hands.
03:39You're a tool.
03:39I don't buy the accent.
03:42So what did I do to incur such wrath?
03:44You tried to stop me from sleeping with one of my ex-patients.
03:46Oh, oh, so I'm a terrible person because I have morals and standards and I tried to stop you doing
03:52something unethical.
03:53You were trying to screw her, too.
03:55Let's not nitpick.
03:59You obviously have feelings for Kate.
04:01It must be very difficult for you knowing that we'll be going on a trip together this weekend.
04:05Oh, really?
04:06Where?
04:06A sleepy little hamlet.
04:08About an hour north.
04:09Perhaps you've heard of it.
04:11Pound Town.
04:17Elise, you got a minute?
04:18I was just talking to your boss about my Grant.
04:24Isn't it awful?
04:26What's that?
04:27Talking to him.
04:29Yeah, what a dick.
04:31I wanted to talk to you more about that off the record.
04:34Oh, I don't know if I feel comfortable with that.
04:39Look, I'm not asking you to undermine your boss.
04:42I'm asking you to help me dig up some dirt so we can ruin him.
04:47And why would I do that?
04:48Because if we don't do something by Friday, Kate, that raven-haired goddess you had a crush on,
04:54is gonna be grown up by Leslie's pasty British inbred man hands.
05:02I think you should probably leave.
05:05He's a man.
05:06A disgusting, hairy man.
05:08Oh, stop it.
05:10You know, sometimes when I get out of the shower, I look in the mirror and I cry.
05:13You know why?
05:14Mm-hmm.
05:14Because I'm a man.
05:15All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
05:18I'll tell you everything, but it's not gonna do you any good.
05:21Look, he does this all the time.
05:23He promises women he'll fund their research in exchange for sex,
05:26and then after he sleeps with them, he doesn't give them the money.
05:30What?
05:30What kind of a lowlife has sex that doesn't pay for it?
05:40Oh, my God, here he comes.
05:42Hi, Tyler.
05:45Namaste.
05:45Hey.
05:47Is that all you're wearing?
05:49You look like a street walker.
05:50At least I can walk.
05:53Namaste.
05:54Bless you, Rob.
05:55You remembered.
05:56This is my father.
05:58I brought him here to help him heal.
06:00Because like you said, who you are on the mat is who you are in life.
06:04The universe is a circus.
06:08Circle.
06:10We have a very close-knit family.
06:12Sadly, her mother died recently of a heart attack.
06:15Probably because she saw the way her daughter dresses for yoga class.
06:20Oh, Dad.
06:22My mom's body was a lot like mine, so I like to show it off in her memory.
06:30I think the angriest I've ever been in my life was the first time I got arrested.
06:35Understandable.
06:36Followed by the fourth time I got arrested.
06:40Also understandable?
06:41Second and third, our bow tie.
06:44And five through twelve, whew, kind of a blur.
06:48But I was actually asking everybody to tell a story from their childhood.
06:51That was my childhood.
06:57Hello, Kate.
06:59Oh, hi.
07:00No, no, it's not time for my pap smear.
07:05Sorry, guys.
07:05I was really hoping that was somebody else.
07:08What's going on, Charlie?
07:10You know that woman that I talk about occasionally, Kate?
07:13Robot lady.
07:14Oh, yes, robot lady.
07:19Anyway, she's going out of town this weekend to have sex with a total scumbag.
07:22This guy promises women grant money for sex and then never gives them the grant.
07:27The problem is I've only got 48 hours to bring the guy down, but I don't have any evidence.
07:30You need to break the law, Charlie.
07:33Cleo's right. You need to tape him.
07:35Tape him? You mean, like, wear a wire?
07:37No. Tape his mouth, tape his hands, take him out to the desert and dig a hole.
07:43No.
07:47Yes.
07:48I'll tape him and I'll use that for the evidence.
07:51Whatever you do, don't wear one of those hidden cameras they hide in glasses.
07:55People catch on to that.
07:56You end up dead in the shower like that guy.
07:58What's that boy's name again?
07:59Fake-ass glasses dead snitch Pete.
08:04Does he have a nickname?
08:06John.
08:12Hey, Cassandra.
08:14It's Charlie Goodson.
08:15Yeah, that was an awesome day.
08:18Listen, I'm back from the sedan now.
08:19You have to put the bags over there.
08:22Anyway, I need your help.
08:23There's this sketchy guy who's tricking women into having sex.
08:27No, it's not me.
08:29But I'm going to be taping it and...
08:32Hello?
08:35Charlie, none of these girls are going to do pervy stuff with you if you just come out and ask
08:39them.
08:40No, no, no. It's not what you think.
08:42There's this sleazebag who's trying to seduce Kate, so I'm trying to find a way to trick him into revealing
08:46himself.
08:47And now you can't find anyone to help you?
08:49No. No, I've asked every remotely bangable woman I know who could possibly... seduce.
08:56And then I thought, why not go classy?
08:58Would you do this for me, Jen?
09:00I'm going to pass.
09:02Oh, come on. I really need this.
09:04Well, I like Kate.
09:06I don't want to see her get hurt.
09:08Plus, I'm bored out of my mind.
09:10The old lady crossed the street and invited me mall walking, and I thought, maybe.
09:16Well, you're doing great. Thank you.
09:19Now, this guy has to really believe that you're applying for a grant.
09:22Can you pretend to be a psychologist?
09:23Well, I've been watching you pretend for the last 10 years.
09:27Hey, hey, hey.
09:29It's 12 years in June.
09:33Hello, Lacey. Sorry I'm late.
09:35You know you don't have to be here anymore.
09:37You must have old man stuff to do.
09:40I'm not here to bother you, kid.
09:42After yesterday, my back feels a whole lot better.
09:44In fact, Ed didn't have to help me put on my socks this morning,
09:46which was a win-win for everybody.
09:49Okay, everybody.
09:50We're going to start slowly today with some cat-cow stretches.
09:56Tyler, could you come over here and see if my butt's doing this right?
10:01You're doing great.
10:02But what you want to do is tilt your pelvis like this.
10:06Yeah.
10:07All right, buddy. You want to get your hands off my daughter's body?
10:11Relax, Dad. He's just realigning my chakras.
10:13Most of the best ones are in the bathing suit area.
10:17You better stop before I realign his face.
10:20Dad.
10:21Can't you see what he's doing?
10:23I'll bet you he slept with half the people in this class.
10:26Hey, come on. Let's be honest.
10:28Who of you have slept with this guy?
10:33You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
10:35I came here hoping to have a spiritual experience, and now I feel dirty.
10:39But not as dirty as I was hoping to feel.
10:46Wow. After everything I'd heard about you, I'm surprised. You're so funny and charming.
10:52I say no to a lot of people, and you know how catty the scientific community can be.
10:56Oh, you don't have to tell me.
10:58Whenever I'm walking around with the other scientists in my white lab coat, they're all,
11:03this scientist is bad at science.
11:06And I'm all like, come on, guys. Science.
11:13I couldn't have said it better myself.
11:15So, why don't you tell me more about your fascinating little study?
11:21Well, I want to study dignity in rodents.
11:27I'm sorry, I thought you said dignity in rodents.
11:31I did.
11:33I want to find out how much they'll sacrifice their dignity to get something that they really want.
11:43I see, my little field mouse.
11:48Do you like magic? Card magic?
11:54Doesn't every woman love card magic?
11:57I'm actually quite good.
12:01I trained under the great Cushel.
12:04Sign your name on this card.
12:07And then I'm going to fold it with one hand.
12:12And place it inside your mouth.
12:19And then I'm going to write my name.
12:22Leslie.
12:24Fold it.
12:26And you are going to place it inside my mouth.
12:38And now we're going to kiss.
12:41And something magical is going to happen.
12:49Look at your card.
12:54Wait, this has your name on it.
12:56That's amazing.
12:57Are you? And this is yours.
13:01And it says...
13:02I'm Charlie Goodson's ex-wife.
13:05That's amazing, too.
13:08In a less fun way.
13:14My office couldn't find your bio, so I did a bit of research.
13:18And I saw this picture of you sitting in the back of a pickup truck drinking a PBR.
13:21And I thought, oh, that's not a titan of science.
13:25So...
13:27Why are you really here, Jennifer?
13:31I'm sorry.
13:33I only did it to help Charlie.
13:34You know why he's out to get me, don't you?
13:37A while back, we were competing for a girl named Hope.
13:42And he lost.
13:43What?
13:45He's got me throwing myself at you because of some other woman?
13:50Leslie Moore.
13:51Didn't expect to see you here.
13:54There's one hot piece of tail you got there.
13:57Unless you're going to benefit from your special pound town endowments.
14:00Don't you?
14:09Your chips are in there.
14:16Charlie, he knows!
14:20I'm sorry, who are you and how do you know my name?
14:22Why didn't you tell me this was just part of some stupid macho revenge fantasy of yours?
14:28Is that what this snake told you?
14:29He's not a snake!
14:31He's charming!
14:31And smart!
14:33And you let me humiliate myself over some random skank!
14:36Come on, Leslie.
14:38We can finish this up in my place.
14:40Wait!
14:40You're doing this just to go back at Charlie, aren't you?
14:43Hells yeah!
14:44I'm fine with that.
14:51I haven't had revenge sex in years.
14:54I forgot how good it is.
14:55I've never had revenge sex.
14:56I've only ever been the reason for it.
14:59Charlie's jealous of you.
15:00That's what makes you so hot.
15:01I know.
15:05What exactly was he trying to get on me anyway?
15:08Something about you having sex with women in exchange for grants.
15:11But don't tell me if it's true or not.
15:13I don't want to know.
15:14Brilliant.
15:17I mean, we all understand the way the world works.
15:19You have something these women want.
15:21They have something you want.
15:22Exactly.
15:23It's quid pro quo.
15:24Let's pretend I am a scientist.
15:26And I do want a grant really bad.
15:29What would I have to do?
15:31Would I have less dignity than a field mouse?
15:33Oh, good lord, no.
15:34I'm not a monster.
15:36I would just tell you that you have to have sex with me to get the grant.
15:40And after that, you know, it's good old fashioned me and women's hosiery woman on top sex.
15:46Charlie, is that enough?
15:47I'm starting to get grossed out.
15:52What do you think, Lisa?
15:53Is that enough?
15:59What is the meaning of this?
16:01The meaning of this is you're busted.
16:03And I'm pretty sure by tomorrow morning, Lisa's gonna have your job.
16:06Yeah, who's laughing now?
16:08I am.
16:12You have nothing on me.
16:13It's your words against mine.
16:16Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong, Oliver Twit.
16:21We've got you admitting everything on hidden camera.
16:23That's not a camera, Charlie.
16:25That's just a clock.
16:27And where's the hidden camera?
16:28It's up on the mantle disguised as a video camera.
16:32Okay, Charlie.
16:33Give me the camera.
16:35And I'll give you a grant to study the beaches of Acapulco.
16:38Forget it, Leslie.
16:40He who laughs last, laughs best.
16:47Oh, come on, Lisa.
16:48One time.
16:54Kate.
16:56I know you hate being wrong, but Leslie's out, Lisa's in, and we got the grant.
17:02Hey, Kate.
17:06You in there?
17:08Where's all your stuff?
17:10What's going on?
17:13Why'd you leave a note?
17:15You're not in there, are you?
17:17Maybe I should read the note.
17:29Okay, Charlie is officially 20 minutes late.
17:32There's nothing to eat.
17:33Therapy snacks are the most important meal of the day.
17:37All right, here's what I could scrounge up.
17:39A bottle of 94 Bordeaux, some camembert cheese, a tin of caviar, and toast points.
17:46Do you have any of his usual donuts and muffins?
17:50Yeah.
17:53Yeah.
17:54Hey, everybody.
17:55Sorry I'm late.
17:56Tenten's traffic.
18:01Thought we'd pick it up where we left off last week.
18:05I guess I'm going to be the one to ask.
18:08Do you have any donuts?
18:12Damn, son, what the hell happened to you?
18:15Why, because you all decided to show up early and I'm comfortably dressed.
18:21You brought out my wine, sweet.
18:25I probably shouldn't drink this in an empty stomach.
18:39I feel like this should be fun, but it's not.
18:47What happened to you?
18:49Nothing.
18:50Oh, Kate left.
18:51Probably forever.
18:53Kate?
18:54Oh, so now you can't finish your research study.
18:57Oh, it goes deeper than that.
18:58She wasn't just my research partner and best friend.
19:00We also had phenomenal sex together.
19:04Charlie, are you sure you want to tell us this?
19:07You're right. Too personal.
19:09She never ran out of saliva.
19:16But now she's gone.
19:19She did leave me this cool letter.
19:23If you could read that for me.
19:26I tried to crease and I'm saving that for my scrapbook.
19:28Would you pass the caviar?
19:33Dear Charlie, I don't like what I've become.
19:37I've done some soul searching recently.
19:39If Kate's out looking for her soul, she'd be searching for a long time.
19:50Okay.
19:52When I realized I was willing to have sex with a stranger to advance my career, it scared me.
19:59I've lost my moral compass.
20:01Kate never had a moral compass.
20:03She was always heading in the direction of self by self-centered.
20:08Continue.
20:10I don't want to.
20:11Continue.
20:11We're playing the game.
20:15Yeah.
20:15Never mind.
20:16It goes on like that.
20:19Long story short, she's moved to India to find herself and wants to live in an ashram or something.
20:26How crazy is that?
20:28Said the man not wearing any pants.
20:32And, Ed, it feels great.
20:36Hey, anybody ever been to a gun range?
20:41Charlie, are you gonna be okay?
20:43Well, of course I'm gonna be okay.
20:46I just woke up from a three-year mistake.
20:48Look at me, I'm free.
20:50Now I can do whatever the hell I want to.
20:57That's where those go now.
21:05So, Ed, last week you were angry because you broke a shoelace.
21:09How's that going for you?
21:21You're being angry, who's responsible.
21:22You're lying.
21:25You're lying.
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