- 2 days ago
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00:01Oh...
00:04Oh...
00:05Oh...
00:06Oh...
00:07Are you by any chance curious to know
00:09why I am looking through this keel?
00:11In that room is Madame Lennard
00:14of the Bride's Parisienne Boutique,
00:16which is a very grand name
00:18for one room above the Iron Munker.
00:20My wife, Edith,
00:22is still determined to marry me,
00:24so Madame Lennard is showing her some little items
00:26of lingerie for our wedding night.
00:27The reason I was looking through the keyhole
00:30is that Madame Lennard herself
00:31is modeling a transparent nightgown.
00:35And she is very well arranged.
00:38The day of the wedding has not yet been fixed,
00:40and so I am a free man,
00:42unless, of course, I am arrested by the Colonel
00:44for stealing the sausage containing
00:46the priceless painting,
00:47the title of which you know full well.
00:50But I will just remind myself of it.
00:56Oh, my God.
00:57Then Klump would have run out of paint.
01:01The priceless painting itself
01:03is, even as I speak,
01:04on its way to the Chateau with Maria,
01:06for Lieutenant Gruber to copy it,
01:09because he has artistic leanings.
01:11In fact, Lieutenant Gruber
01:13is a very long way from the perpendicular.
01:18René!
01:18Well?
01:19I have been selecting for her wedding night.
01:21Some lovely surprises.
01:23Oh, Madame Lennard,
01:24some beautiful things under the counter.
01:27Yes, she had some pretty good things above the counter.
01:30Oh, René!
01:31Something terrible has happened.
01:33I followed Maria as you told me.
01:35She has been arrested by the personal guard
01:37of General Von Klinkhofen.
01:39Oh, my God!
01:40What will happen to her?
01:41Oh, she has nothing to be afraid of.
01:43She is just a slip of a girl.
01:44Well, not such a slip.
01:46Concealed among her bosom
01:47is the Canocverse belonging to the Colonel,
01:49containing the real painting.
01:51Is the torture?
01:53She may reveal all her secrets.
01:55Oh, my God!
01:55My hat!
01:56My coat!
01:57Oh, my great René!
01:59He is going to rescue her.
02:01Are you mad?
02:02I am going to stay with my cousin in Bordeaux.
02:07He has a loft.
02:08I can hide in it until the end of the war.
02:10Stay where you are, coward!
02:12How dare you think I'm leaving?
02:13Is this how you want to be remembered?
02:15I do not wish to be remembered at all.
02:18Tell them you never heard of me.
02:19Stay where you are!
02:21Until you come to your senses.
02:24René!
02:24What's going on?
02:26Uh...
02:26My wife was just proposing to me.
02:30Come here.
02:31Come, yes, Yvette.
02:32René!
02:33Yep.
02:35We, uh...
02:36We have had news from Helga
02:37that Airflick is looking for his sausage.
02:40Then, Gruber has been sent to get it.
02:42You did not tell Gruber where it was, did you?
02:44Well, he threatened to take away my livelihood
02:46by driving a tank through my cafe.
02:49Threatened to drive a tank through your cafe?
02:51The German spine!
02:56But you held out.
02:57Well, he threatened to shoot my dear wife.
03:00That was when I cracked.
03:01Oh, René!
03:03So you gave it to him?
03:04Well, I did not actually give it to him.
03:06I sent it to Lieutenant Gruber so that he could copy it
03:08and give it back to you.
03:09The copy will go to Airflick and then we are all in the clear.
03:12And Gruber will want the piece of the action.
03:14There is one snag, Colonel.
03:16The sausage was sent with Maria,
03:18who has just been captured by General von Klinkeroffen.
03:21She had the sausage strapped across her bosom.
03:23Any minute now he may get his hands on it.
03:27If Maria cracks under the interrogation,
03:29the General will arrest René.
03:31And if he cracks under interrogation,
03:33he will reveal that you gave him the painting to hide
03:35and you will be on the carpet.
03:37Dead!
03:38You are right.
03:39We will shoot René now and stop the lot.
03:42Thank you, Edith!
03:44If you shoot René,
03:45then also you will have to shoot me.
03:47Could you shoot her first?
03:48She is causing a lot of trouble.
03:57Head up!
04:00The French girl is outside.
04:02Are you ready to interview her?
04:03Yes.
04:04Does she give any explanation for her presence?
04:06She said she came to see Lieutenant Gruber, your ADC.
04:09Bring her in and send for Lieutenant Gruber.
04:11Yes, Sir General.
04:12In here.
04:19Make up!
04:32You are trembling.
04:36Do not be afraid of me.
04:38I am not a monster.
04:40What is your name?
04:41Maria Achtemir!
04:44You were found snooping around the grounds of my headquarters.
04:47What were you doing there?
04:48General, I had a rendezvous with Lieutenant Gruber.
04:51Most unlikely story.
04:54But we should be able to verify this.
04:55I have sent for him.
05:03You have very small feet.
05:06Yes, General!
05:08Hmm.
05:09Highly big enough to support the rest of you.
05:13Take off your coat and your hat.
05:16I am cold.
05:17I would rather remain as I am.
05:19Do not defy me, girl, or things will not go away for you.
05:21I am reluctant.
05:22Get them off!
05:23Do you hear me?
05:23Get them off!
05:26Gruber!
05:29I came back later.
05:31Come in and shut the door.
05:35This girl tells me that she came to see you.
05:37Did you order a girl?
05:39Oh, I don't think so.
05:42Do not be afraid to own up.
05:44It is war time and we are the conquerors.
05:45We all have our needs.
05:47He ordered this!
05:48Yes!
05:50I see.
05:52There really is nothing straightforward about you, Gruber, is there?
05:57No, you misunderstand, General.
06:00No, it was necessary for her to conceal the knockwurst in this fashion
06:05in case the hungry French peasants fell upon her and devoured it.
06:11You were, of course, going to present it to me, knowing my tastes for such things
06:14and hoping no doubt to ingratiate yourself with me.
06:17You have got it in one.
06:19Give it to me, girl.
06:25Shall I take it and hang it for you in the kitchen?
06:28No, you will not.
06:30My, my, it is a roper.
06:33Ah!
06:34I need a little swastika.
06:36What a thoughtful touch.
06:37What are you going to do with it?
06:39The kitchen staff are worse than rats.
06:41They eat everything.
06:42I shall hang it in my wardrobe to mature.
06:52You may go, Gruber.
06:55What about the girl?
06:56Do you have a use for her?
06:58Nothing I can think of, no.
07:01It occurs to me that some French peasants have stolen the motor of my moor.
07:06Let it be known that when the motor is returned, I will release the girl.
07:15Go into the bedroom.
07:22You may lie down there.
07:26No, not on the bed.
07:28On the mat.
07:34Lonely France!
07:36Do not push your luck.
07:39Is there anyone?
07:47How much longer must I wait here?
07:51Oh!
07:51I am here, Mama.
07:52I am here.
07:53I have been selecting some lovely things for my wedding night.
07:57Oh, for your wedding to Monsieur Alphonse.
08:00false no mama I'm going to marry when I no no no no it is no no come here sit
08:09down no do not do this thing he's a no good bum I love him and he is hiding we
08:20know not where a flick of the Gestapo is looking for him yes
08:30the nobs the nobs the fleshy nobs
08:37what is this old bat doing in my bed this old bat is hiding from the Gestapo
08:47Gestapo
08:51the wireless
08:53attendant Nighthawk has migrated
08:56oh you have the liver of a lily I will get the British Airmen to help
09:03hello
09:05oh the thing's going grab your head faster
09:19hello Nighthawk hello Nighthawk I'm the Airmen with you over
09:25yes they are both here beside me over I have here the commanding officer put them on the
09:31line over here oh hello
09:39Fairfax here
09:40hello Fairfax we come on to Hargreaves here
09:43it's Randy Hargreaves hello sir
09:47hello
09:49is there any chance of you two getting back we're getting a bit short of pilots the resistance
09:55are planning to find an old crate from the museum they're going to put a motor mower engine in it
10:01a motor mower engine is it reliable well he drove a bath chair to the hat shop yesterday
10:07well how far I suppose a couple of hundred yards
10:09oh well we won't count on you then good luck over and out
10:12oh
10:14it is the police are here
10:16the police the police police back back there
10:21no it is it is it is it is not the real police it is that English idiot who thinks
10:26he can't speak French
10:27oh good morning I have come to arrest your mither
10:37arrester mother why what has she done she has been pissing fudged banknotes in the picture
10:45what does Crabtree say that I think he means she has been passing forged banknotes in the action
10:52that's so slick
10:54Edith remind him he is supposed to be on our side
10:58who is the ugly old bog in the bed beside your mither
11:03I have been asking the same question
11:06it is I René
11:09I did that was a god de skis
11:12I was completely deceived by the wog
11:19Edith
11:19give him 500 francs from the till and tell him to pass off
11:26there is no need to be road
11:31oh yes
11:33this was taken last year at the gestapo holiday camp
11:38see they all wear black leather bathing shorts
11:42some of them fit very well
11:46here we are doing the leapfrog
11:53oh dear
11:53how amusing
11:55we have all fallen over into a great big heap
12:00now we are struggling to untangle ourselves
12:04now we are jumping in the icy waters of the lake
12:08it's just as well
12:13here we are doing the exercises
12:16why are some of you wearing skirts
12:18the ones wearing skirts are girls
12:22I didn't know you had girls in the gestapo
12:25who do you think types the threatening letters
12:30why is my phone ringing
12:32answer it
12:34why is this phone ringing
12:37why do you not read your instructions
12:38hair flick has his calls held till five o'clock
12:42you thought it said what
12:47it most certainly did not
12:51someone has written it down incorrectly
12:54you thought it said four o'clock
12:57it's very urgent
12:58click
13:01yes von smallhausen
13:05I see
13:06you have done well
13:08I will deal with the matter
13:11von smallhausen has discovered
13:13that the sausage containing the painting
13:15is hanging in the wardrobe
13:17of the dressing room of general van klinkerhofen
13:20oh dear
13:20what do we do
13:22what if he has it for breakfast
13:25we must substitute a real knokwurst
13:27for the knokwurst containing the painting
13:30but Heflick
13:31how do we gain access to the general's quarters
13:34without arousing suspicion
13:36there are in the chateau
13:38many secret passengers
13:39if the attention of the general
13:41is diverted by a woman
13:43of the opposite sex
13:44in whom he has
13:46already expressed an interest
13:48I would have time to affect the switch
13:51and where would we find such a woman?
13:57the general has already indicated to me
13:59that he considers you
14:00a great piece of crackling
14:04do you think I could pull it off?
14:08you have read my thoughts
14:11you will enter his quarters
14:13you will take the gramophone
14:14you will wind it up
14:16and do a teasing dance
14:17pulling off various outer garments
14:20this will attract his attention
14:22for two and a half minutes
14:24will it work?
14:26it always worked with me
14:30it's a long, long way to tip away
14:33and smile
14:42come on in
14:43a little bit of cheese
14:44has dropped inside my ear holes
14:47what shall I do?
14:48try banging your head on the table
14:53the dear captain
14:55oh he loves my singing
15:03quick
15:19it is I
15:21man of a thousand faces
15:25everyone the same
15:28I am an old italian
15:30organa grinder
15:32keep your voice down
15:33you are embarrassing the monkey
15:36I have it about the news
15:37Maria is the hostage
15:40they will not give her back
15:42till we return
15:43the motor from the
15:45we must rescue her
15:46and the sausage
15:48and our prostitutes round the knockers
15:50he's in the wardrobe
15:52of the general
15:54could we not train the monkey
15:55to climb the wall
15:56go in through the window
15:57and steal the sausage?
16:00he's been on the organa
16:01ten years
16:01he can't even turn on the handle
16:04what about your business?
16:05keep your ear to the ground
16:08rumpus it
16:08rumpus it
16:09rumpus it
16:10rumpus it
16:10rumpus it
16:10rumpus it
16:11oh no
16:13Michelle wishes to see you
16:14in the back room
16:15look after the bar
16:19where is she?
16:21I am here
16:27listen very carefully
16:28I shall say these only words
16:29good
16:30this position is killing me
16:32tonight there is no moon
16:34here are the final details
16:36of the plan to enable you
16:37to steal the airplane
16:38from the museum
16:39what?
16:40we cannot do this
16:41Maria is in the hands
16:42of General von Klinkerofen
16:43General von Klinkerofen?
16:45yes
16:46that ruthless fiend?
16:47he demands the return
16:48of his motor
16:49in exchange for her freedom
16:50but without the motor
16:52the plane cannot fly
16:53so we are up the creek
16:54without the paddle?
16:56Connie and I will rescue her
16:57you speak for yourself
17:00I have a plan
17:01I know all the secret passages
17:03at the chateau
17:04I worked as a serving maid
17:06there when I was a girl
17:07that was so long ago
17:09they could all have collapsed
17:10by now
17:12this is very serious news
17:13Lieutenant Kruber
17:14very serious
17:17Hans, you have been
17:19to staff college
17:20how do you get a sausage
17:21out of a wardrobe?
17:24in the General's dressing room?
17:26hmm
17:26I think I must have been
17:28away that day
17:30Colonel
17:32the Marquess who constructed
17:34the chateau
17:34built into it
17:36many secret passages
17:37in which runaway priests
17:39used to hide
17:39who was chasing them?
17:41mostly the Marquess
17:42I heard about it
17:44in the chateau library
17:45there is also a map
17:47one such passage
17:48leads to the General's dressing room
17:50now we are getting there
17:52you Hans
17:53can creep down this passage
17:55and grab the sausage
17:56but he will see
17:57it has gone
17:58good point
17:59yes, yes, yes
18:00I thought so too
18:01I have a very clear
18:03analytical mind
18:04you know
18:08it's still there
18:11you will put another sausage
18:13in its place
18:13another sausage?
18:15but what if the General
18:15comes out of his bedroom
18:16while I'm doing this?
18:18I have it
18:20Lieutenant Kruber
18:20can occupy
18:21the attention
18:22of the General
18:26I do not quite see
18:27how I could do this
18:28oh
18:28you will find it easy
18:30you have an engaging
18:31sparkling personality
18:32a roguish smile
18:35a German General
18:36could resist you
18:37at one o'clock
18:37in the morning
18:38with a bottle of whiskey
18:39in your pajamas
18:41I learned that
18:43at the staff college
18:44very well
18:45I will do it
18:46good
18:46good
18:50so
18:51while I am leaving
18:52Rennie
18:52through these secret passages
18:54to switch the sausages
18:55in the wardrobe
18:56in the dressing room
18:57you, Yvette
18:57will enter the chateau
18:58disguised as a serving maid
19:00you will go to the bedroom
19:04of the General
19:05with an art water bottle
19:06you will give Maria
19:07this note
19:08telling her
19:08of a secret entrance
19:09inside the wardrobe
19:11in the bedroom
19:11you will then distract him
19:13for two minutes
19:14she can make her escape
19:15and Rennie can get the sausage
19:16a more air-brained scheme
19:18I have never
19:19in my life heard
19:21but how do I distract
19:22the General
19:22shall I take
19:24the Flying Hermit
19:24and the wet celery
19:27no
19:28you are a serving maid
19:29make do with
19:30a feather duster
19:31and a tin of runnock
19:38are you listening
19:39I wish a snack
19:41send up some smoked salmon
19:43caviar
19:44cold chicken
19:45strudel
19:46and a bottle of champagne
19:47on ice
19:48is that clear
19:50let it be done
19:52General
19:53please
19:54may I return to my home now
19:56certainly not
19:57you are my hostage
19:58you will remain here
20:00but I am a civilized person
20:02I will allow you
20:03to share in my snack
20:04I will never eat
20:05with an enemy of France
20:06the night is young
20:08we shall see
20:09get back on the mat
20:15you must stay close
20:16these passages
20:17are very complicated
20:18for the sake of ever needed
20:20I
20:47Rennie
20:49Rennie
20:49Rennie
20:49Rennie
20:50Rennie
20:50Rennie
20:57do not stay close
20:58behind me
20:59you will get lost
21:01where are we now
21:02this is the great hall
21:03when I was a serving girl
21:05I used to polish it
21:06what are we doing here
21:07we are supposed to be
21:08in the bedroom
21:08it is a shortcut
21:10who ever heard of a shortcut
21:11in a secret passage
21:14somebody's coming
21:14what
21:33they had gone
21:34we are going to get caught
21:36I know it
21:36we are going to get caught
21:37I can't see
21:43at the end of the stairs
21:45is the entrance
21:45to another secret passage
21:46which leads to the
21:47general's dressing room
21:49follow me
21:54I might polish
22:07where are they?
22:09in the cellars
22:10I know that
22:11they are bouncing
22:12in the cellars
22:12we are on Cuba's planet
22:14the shut door
22:16it only depends
22:17on whether
22:18that is the north
22:19or whether
22:20that is the north
22:21have you got a compass?
22:22I have one
22:23but my Swiss army knife
22:25hang on
22:25here we are
22:28that is the north
22:31in that case
22:32we are going
22:33the wrong way
22:39who are you?
22:41what are you doing?
22:47Hans you fool
22:48what are you doing?
22:50you are knocking out
22:50our own people
22:52it was a good shot
22:53wasn't it?
23:11what are you looking for?
23:13it was concealed
23:14around here
23:14in herb
23:15let me up and find it
23:17we will be doing
23:18our piece
23:18in three minutes
23:24shh
23:27shh
23:28shh
23:29shh
23:30shh
23:33shh
23:34shh
23:35shh
23:35shh
23:36shh
23:44shh
23:48shh
23:58we did
23:59you did not tell me
24:00this place was haunted
24:02I saw the armor
24:03with a limp
24:03has just walked past
24:05look out
24:06somebody else is coming
24:07oh
24:07one
24:27shh
24:32shh
24:33shh
25:06Who is there?
25:07Your refreshments.
25:08A moment.
25:09Come here.
25:11It is not seemly that a German general should be seen in a bedroom with a French peasant girl.
25:14Get in the cupboard and stay there.
25:20And Bob?
25:22I'm a Frenchman for some no caviar, Pastor Robert.
25:25No caviar?
25:26Sorry.
25:27Just glad I have obtained some cods.
25:30Unfortunately, I think it tells the difference.
25:33Oh, well, sorry.
25:34Would I bring it in?
25:35Yeah, of course.
25:56The coast is clear.
25:57Come out.
25:58Will you join me in a glass of champagne?
26:02Only if you promise to release me.
26:05We will discuss this after dinner.
26:12Who is there?
26:14It is the maid.
26:15A moment.
26:16Quick, back in the cupboard.
26:20What relationship are we going to have if you keep fussing me up into the cupboard every time we only
26:25trapped it?
26:26When the maid is gone, we will be alone.
26:32Enter.
26:34I've come to warm your bed, Herr General.
26:37That will not be necessary.
26:38My bed will be warmed by other more interesting muscles.
26:42We may turn it down.
26:43Yes, Herr General.
26:45Yes, Herr General.
26:56What are you doing under the bed?
26:58What are you doing in the commode?
27:01I have come up the wrong passage.
27:09How do we get in?
27:10I am looking for the knob.
27:15How is it that I have not seen you before?
27:19Normally, I am peeling potatoes in the kitchen.
27:23But I can also peel other things.
27:32How dare you assume that the German general would compromise himself with a serving girl?
27:36Who is there?
27:38It is I, Helga.
27:41What do you want?
27:42I have for you a present from Herr Flick.
27:45A moment.
27:46I will hand in the water.
27:47No, no, no.
27:48It's full under the bed.
27:55Do not ask.
27:58Peter.
28:02The present.
28:05Am I to understand that Herr Flick has sent to me as a present at one o'clock in the
28:08morning
28:09at Grammalfone?
28:10Not only this, General.
28:11He has sent me.
28:16No, no, no, no.
28:24It's well warm.
28:29There you go.
28:30The present.
28:31No, no.
28:35No, no, no.
28:41What?
28:55Ha! The photo!
29:01What's going on in there?
29:02Helga is doing a striptease.
29:04We haven't got time for that.
29:07Helga!
29:09It's not a man.
29:12It's not a man!
29:25Oh, come on in!
29:26I almost steamed up the sausage.
29:29Oh, the sausage!
29:38We've got to go.
29:39Oh, come on!
29:41Oh, come on in!
29:52Oh, my God!
29:54My God!
29:55If he finds me and Maria, I am a dead duck!
30:07Oh, my God!
30:11Oh, my God!
30:24Oh, my God!
30:25Oh, my God!
30:29What are you doing in the wardrobe with Maria?
30:33You stupid woman.
30:35What do you think I am doing in the wardrobe with Maria?
30:38She has fainted with cold fear.
30:41I am reviving her with the heat from my body.
30:44Let me wait till I get you home.
30:46Follow me.
31:11Oh dear, I say anything I can do?
31:16Yes, find the grammar form.
31:18And if you don't fancy the one by the bed, there's a spare in the wardrobe.