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00:04The Vaquay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
00:08You are whom?
00:09Actually, I think that should be whom.
00:11You are whom?
00:13The Department of Refuse Service Officers.
00:16Oh, you mean the rubbish people.
00:20Yes, I am the lady who's been ringing all week with a complaint.
00:23Yes, thank you for finally returning my call.
00:27My complaint is about your dustbin lorries.
00:31All right, your collection vehicles.
00:33They will keep passing down my avenue.
00:37Now, I don't mind them coming on Tuesday because that's when I put my dustbin out.
00:42But I wish you would forbid them to pass down my avenue on other days.
00:46It gives the impression that I specialise in superfluous amounts of garbage.
00:51Oh, I know what they're doing.
00:53They're taking the shortcut.
00:55Cut! And I'd like you to do something about it.
00:58Well, if that's your excuse, I wouldn't even put it in a black plastic bag and stuff it in a
01:02dustbin.
01:04Hello? Hello?
01:07Hello.
01:10Bolshe bin man.
01:17Oh, you feel like doing a little gardening.
01:20Well, that's progress.
01:21Better than staying in and moping about your divorce.
01:23I'm quite good at gardening.
01:25Good, that's splendid.
01:26There's plenty of it out there waiting.
01:28What I wasn't good at was marriage.
01:30Well, it's hardly your fault.
01:32She ran off with another man.
01:34Who wasn't even good at gardening.
01:36Oh, go on.
01:38Off you go.
01:47What's wrong?
01:48It's her.
01:49Hyacinth.
01:50She's out there in her garden.
01:54You can't stay indoors just because Hyacinth's out there.
01:56I can.
01:58I really can.
01:59Oh, Emmett, don't be silly.
02:01She'll sing at me.
02:02She always sings at me.
02:05She wants you to give her a part in your amateur operatics.
02:09If you start a conversation with her, she'd have to stop singing.
02:13Then she'll talk to me.
02:14Being talked to by Hyacinth is almost as bad as being sung at.
02:22Telephone, Hyacinth.
02:24Richard.
02:25Don't shout, dear.
02:27It's so common.
02:30Telephone, Hyacinth.
02:32Really?
02:34Is it my Sheridan?
02:36No, it's your sister Violet.
02:38Oh, my sister Violet with the luxury bungalow and the swimming pool.
02:44Richard, I have reason to believe that something's pooped in my polyanthus.
02:51How am I supposed to interpret that?
02:52Is she want it confirming or removing?
02:56I better ask.
03:09I'm so glad you rang, Violet, because it saves me making a call to invite yourself and Bruce to a
03:14little candlelight supper this evening.
03:17Why can't you come?
03:20What do you mean you've nothing to wear?
03:22Violet, you've a wardrobe of beautiful clothes.
03:26Bruce is wearing them.
03:30Well, he can't be wearing all of them.
03:32I see he's very possessive about them.
03:35Violet, really, you must be firmer with him, dear.
03:39I don't care how disappointed you'll be.
03:41You must not start calling him Brenda.
03:45Now, look, take a firm stand.
03:48It's time you began wearing the trousers.
03:51Oh, you are wearing the trousers.
03:54It's all you've got left.
03:57What's wrong?
03:59It's Bruce again.
04:00He's wearing all Violet's clothes.
04:02Oh, not that knitted two-piece.
04:04I can't bear him in that knitted two-piece.
04:08Poor Violet.
04:09I know how she must hate it.
04:11Especially as he's started to look better than she does.
04:24What are you thinking about, Onslow?
04:27I was wondering.
04:29If there is a force behind the universe,
04:32on balance, would you class it as A, alien, or B, friendly?
04:37I wish you'd stop watching Open University.
04:42Man has this restless urge to understand.
04:46To understand what?
04:47Well, for a start, why you keep your knee in me back all night.
04:51Do I keep my knee in your back?
04:53Well, if it's not your knee, somebody's wearing boots in bed.
04:57You wouldn't notice if I did wear boots in bed.
05:00You'd never notice when I got that new nightie.
05:03Let me give you a tiny word of advice, Days.
05:06Now, you'll not find this in your romantic novels.
05:09But if you're going to wear a see-through nightie,
05:11don't wear a vest.
05:19A person could freeze to death not wearing a vest,
05:22waiting for you to warm up.
05:26We made love only recently.
05:29It was March.
05:32Was it March?
05:34Good grief.
05:35Doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself?
05:39Look, he's coming, he's coming.
05:41If it's the insurance man, tell him I'll see him next week.
05:44It's not the insurance man.
05:46It's Mr. Helliwell.
05:47My Mr. Helliwell.
05:49He's coming to pick me up here later.
05:51Well, I thought that's what you wanted.
05:52Some attention from Mr. Helliwell.
05:54I don't want him picking me up here.
05:56I mean, look at the state of the place.
05:58You're going to have to tidy up.
06:00It's your love life.
06:02You tidy up.
06:03I've only just grown me nails back.
06:06Let Mr. Helliwell come early and he can tidy up.
06:10Bog off on slow.
06:13Oh, nice.
06:30Oh, what a beautiful day.
06:33He gots, Hyacinth.
06:35Good morning, Emmett.
06:36Just the person I wanted to see.
06:39I'd like you and Elizabeth to come this evening to my little candlelight supper.
06:43Oh, thanks.
06:45But I was planning to...
06:46I'm looking forward to entertaining you.
06:49I mean, ordinarily, I'd be only too happy to...
06:51Just because you've had a bad divorce, you mustn't keep yourself confined to the house.
06:55I rather like being alone, actually.
06:57You must get about, Emmett, and meet people.
07:00And you'll meet only the best people at my little candlelight suppers.
07:03I won't be there in a minute if it wasn't for the fact that...
07:06Good.
07:07That's settled, then.
07:08Dress informal.
07:10Lounge suit and tie, of course.
07:11I've got a wonderful feeling everything's going my way.
07:31What's the matter?
07:33She's been singing at me, Liz.
07:34I told you she would.
07:36Oh, is that all?
07:38No, it is not all.
07:41We're invited to a candlelight supper tonight.
07:44Well, that was inevitable.
07:46There comes to us all in this area, not only the certainty of death and taxes,
07:51but periodically, one of Hyacinth's candlelight suppers.
07:55You've had to grin and bear it.
08:05Don't grunt when you polish, Richard.
08:09I can hear you breathing, dear.
08:11I don't think it's quite nice to hear people breathing.
08:15You'd think by now evolution would have replaced our unfortunate bodily functions
08:19with something a little more tasteful.
08:21I suppose it was perfectly adequate for primitive peoples, but really...
08:25Well, we are merely mammals, after all.
08:29Richard!
08:30What a thing to say to somebody with a solid silver self-cleaning sauce separator.
08:38Now, I know that this evening is going to be another huge success.
08:43I shall use my Royal Worcester double-glazed Avignon, of course.
08:47I used it the last time, but nobody noticed.
08:50This time, Richard, you will wait for a lapse in the conversation,
08:54and then you will introduce the topic casually.
08:57What topic?
08:58That we're all dining for my Royal Worcester double-glazed Avignon.
09:02I particularly want Emmett to appreciate it.
09:05Well, Emmett's just recovering from a messy divorce.
09:07Do you really think he'd be overwhelmed by your Royal Worcester double-glazed Avignon?
09:10He'd find it a great comfort to realise that he's in civilised surroundings, dear.
09:18Oh, that's nice.
09:19Very nice, dear.
09:22Just wipe your finger marks off that, will you?
09:29Why me?
09:30Why should I have to go to a candlelight supper?
09:33I've suffered enough lately.
09:35Oh, Emmett.
09:37Emmett, it's no worse than a bad dream.
09:39A couple of hours and it's all over.
09:41A couple of hours?
09:43There'll be other people, equally stunned.
09:47You might meet someone you like.
09:49What's the use if she's going to be singing at me?
09:52Well, stick with Richard.
09:53Richard's nice.
09:54How does he live with her?
09:56I've often wondered about that.
09:58I expect he's used to it.
10:00I think that's awful.
10:02That any poor devil should be used to it.
10:12Oh, there you are.
10:14I think your little doggy dropped something here yesterday.
10:18From his collar?
10:19He still has his disc.
10:21Not his collar, no.
10:23I'm sure it's yours and I'd like to return it to you.
10:26That's very kind of you.
10:27I can't imagine what.
10:28Come along.
10:30I'll show you.
10:35Oh.
11:16Well, are we going to tidy up?
11:18Ask Onslow.
11:21He's master of the house.
11:22Onslow, Mr. Helliwell's coming.
11:25Don't you think we ought to tidy up?
11:28Given the transience of life,
11:31biology's awesome potential for instability,
11:34and the possible meaninglessness of the entire universe,
11:37don't you think it's worth a bother?
11:41I'm with Onslow.
11:48Come along in, Elizabeth.
11:51Thank you, Hyacinth.
11:52Wipe your feet, dear.
11:57You really shouldn't have bothered to invite me for a coffee, Hyacinth,
12:00when you're so busy.
12:01Oh, I have everything under control, dear.
12:05A well-regulated household ought to be able to find time to make a cup of coffee for a neighbour.
12:11However glittering the occasion, the sea.
12:13Do sit down, Elizabeth.
12:15No, not there, dear.
12:16I like to face the window.
12:20Perhaps Emmett would like to pop in for a coffee.
12:23Oh, no thank you, Hyacinth.
12:24I think he's busy.
12:26Oh, well, that's nice.
12:27Keep his mind off his divorce.
12:30He mustn't feel that he's alone.
12:32I don't think he does, Hyacinth.
12:34Not since he met you.
12:36How very kind.
12:38Now,
12:40will you have my better china, Elizabeth,
12:42if you promise to be careful?
12:45Or a beaker?
12:53Beaker, Hyacinth.
12:54Definitely a beaker.
12:55I think perhaps that's wise, don't you?
13:00Who else is coming this evening?
13:02Anyone I know?
13:03Hmm?
13:04Your sister, Violet, perhaps?
13:09The one with the swimming pool?
13:11Well, no, actually.
13:12Oh, sorry to hear that.
13:14Well, it can't be helped, you know.
13:17Bruce isn't at all well.
13:19Nothing serious, I hope.
13:21Well, I think he could just do with a change.
13:27That's probably the telephone.
13:30Richard will take it.
13:36It might be Sheridan.
13:38He loves to ring me and tell me about his new friends.
13:41Milk?
13:43No, thank you.
13:45He's made some very, very nice new friends.
13:48Sugar?
13:49No, thank you, Hyacinth.
13:51Nice friends are so important, aren't they?
13:54Biscuits.
13:58And I don't mean the hearty sporting crowd, either.
14:02All Sheridan's friends are very artistic.
14:05Hello, Liz.
14:06Telephone, Hyacinth.
14:08Your sister, Violet, again.
14:09Oh, Violet, yes.
14:10The one with the swimming pool and room for a poli.
14:14Perhaps Bruce is coming after all.
14:16He is not.
14:19What is it now, Violet?
14:21No, I haven't a girdle that might fit Bruce.
14:26No, I don't think it's awful.
14:33Look, I resent the idea that I'm the only one you know who has a girdle.
14:38I will not pass my discontinued girdles on to Bruce.
14:43Well, if he's suddenly ashamed of his tummy, why doesn't he lose weight?
14:47Oh, why do you pamper him, Violet?
14:51I mean, apart from the money and the Mercedes.
14:58Onslow?
15:00Yo.
15:06Do you think the universe is meaningless?
15:09I must say I was inclined towards that theory when I saw you wearing that see-through nightie over a
15:14vest.
15:17But what about love?
15:19Not right nowadays.
15:20I'm busy.
15:24Don't you think it's important?
15:27Don't you think it gives life a sort of meaning?
15:30I assume you're not just talking about sex.
15:33I'm not.
15:34I'm not talking about sex.
15:36I'm talking about companionship, affection.
15:40For both of which, it's okay to wear a vest.
15:45Mind you, sex would be nice.
15:50They're off.
15:57Well, if you won't do it, somebody's got to.
16:09Oh, I don't know, though.
16:11I told Mr. Halliwell to pick me up at our hyacinths.
16:14You can't just go swanning round to our hyacinths.
16:17We're sisters, aren't we?
16:18You don't like it.
16:19I thought you were seeing Boris tonight.
16:21Oh, Boris can wait.
16:24That's what I'll do.
16:25I'll get picked up at our hyacinths.
16:27Hyacinths.
16:28Now, no peeping.
16:30Not until I tell you.
16:32Whoops.
16:32Mind the furniture, dear.
16:35Now, open them now.
16:39The table, dear.
16:41Oh, the table.
16:42Yes, how does it look?
16:43Oh, it looks very nice, hyacinths.
16:45Very nice.
16:46Is that it?
16:47I mean, is that the extent of your enthusiasm?
16:50Well, it looks quite exceptionally nice.
16:52Oh, Richard.
16:53I spend hours on the aesthetics of my table.
16:57I want people to walk through this door and stagger back in admiration.
17:02Well, I had a little stagger, Hyacinths.
17:03You may not have noticed that it was there.
17:05Richard, I try to use you to gauge other people's response as they walk through that door.
17:11And if they don't do better than you, then I've wasted the afternoon.
17:14Well, there's times like these I miss Sheridan.
17:17I'll come in again.
17:20I've got a reputation to maintain, you see, dear.
17:23I mean, I'm known far and wide for the tasteful accessories of my table.
17:28I wasn't looking properly last time, but this time I know exactly what you want.
17:31All right.
17:32Do your best, dear.
17:38Oh, ho.
17:43Oh, never mind.
17:44I'll get Elizabeth.
17:46She knows how to appreciate a table.
17:48And just be careful of my paintwork, dear.
17:51Yes, yes, of course I'll come round, Hyacinths.
17:54Yes.
17:55You want to check my reaction?
17:57Like we did last time.
17:59And the time before.
18:01And the one before that.
18:03No, no, no.
18:04It's very kind of you to value my opinion.
18:08What was that about?
18:09I've got to pop round and look at Hyacinths' table.
18:11Why do you have to go and look at Hyacinths' table?
18:14Well, she wants to check my reaction.
18:16She's been working all day on her table.
18:18Why didn't you go and tell her to...
18:19Emmett!
18:21It's easier this way.
18:25Emmett, how does this look?
18:30Oh, Hyacinths.
18:34Oh, dear.
18:37Damn.
18:40I've just popped round to the...
18:42I know.
18:43She's in the dining room waiting.
18:44I'll do my best.
18:46Liz, might I suggest a little stagger?
18:49Stagger?
18:50Backwards.
18:52A little stagger backwards?
18:54Trust me.
19:04Oh, Hyacinths!
19:10No, Boris.
19:12I'm not going out with you this evening.
19:15No, Boris.
19:16You needn't bother coming round either.
19:18I shan't be here.
19:22There was a time
19:24when we used to sit on this tea together
19:26and you used to nibble my ear.
19:32Now all you ever nibble is crisps.
19:35No, Boris!
19:37Weren't too many flavours in those days.
19:40I think you must know, Boris.
19:42I'm going out with a Mr. Halliwell.
19:46And I don't care for language like that
19:49when I'm wearing my best earrings.
19:52Be honest.
19:54Some of the fire's definitely gone out of our relationship.
19:59It's not in personal days.
20:01It's just women get older quicker.
20:07I know it's not fair,
20:08but the fact remains
20:09that us men stay attractive longer.
20:14Because he treats me like a lady.
20:17I've never known him take a liberty
20:19without removing his hat.
20:22No, Boris, it's no good you coming round here.
20:25I shan't be here.
20:31I do hope that's not another cancellation.
20:33You think people didn't want to come to my candlelight, suckers?
20:37Hey, Briss!
20:39Yes, I'll accept the charge.
20:44Sheridan, you remembered!
20:48How sweet of you to ring
20:49and wish Mummy every success
20:51for her social entertaining.
20:54What does he want?
20:55I don't know that he wants anything, dear.
20:58He's just ringing his Mummy
21:00to wish her all the best for...
21:02You need to check for how much, dear?
21:06£70.
21:08Now, you're not spending it on girls, are you, dear?
21:11You promised Mummy.
21:13We agreed not until after you'd finished your education.
21:18Oh, you and Tarquin aren't interested in girls.
21:22What a comfort that is to a mother's heart, dear.
21:27Oh, yes, of course, dear.
21:29You run along and help Tarquin finish the ironing.
21:33And Daddy will pop the cheque into the post.
21:36Goodbye, Liz.
21:38Must we go now, Liz?
21:40Couldn't we delay it a bit?
21:41She said to come early.
21:42It's not a royal command.
21:44You want a bit?
21:45I find the easiest way is to go along with things
21:48and get them over quickly.
21:49Come on.
21:50She'll sing at me.
21:52She'll be entertaining.
21:53How can she sing at you?
21:55She'll find a way.
21:56I know she will.
21:58She'll sing at me.
22:00I want Emmett to have a little taste
22:03of my musical talents.
22:06You will bring them in here
22:08where I shall be discovered at the Piano Forte.
22:11Now, I'm relying on you, Richard,
22:13to listen for the bell.
22:14I listen, Hyacinth, with every nerve a quiver.
22:16Good.
22:19And don't forget the ice.
22:21Oh, the ice.
22:21The ice.
22:34There's the bell.
22:40For tonight, for tonight,
22:44let me dream of my dream of delight.
22:47Tra-la-la, tra-la-la-la-la.
22:49La-la-la-la-la.
22:50La-la-la-la-la-la.
22:52And purchase of soul.
22:54La-la-la-la-la.
22:55A momentous fight.
22:58Ooh.
22:59What is it, Richard?
23:01Someone at the door, dear.
23:02Well, show them in.
23:04Well, it's your sister, Rose.
23:08Hello, my dear.
23:10Rose, dear, how nice to see you.
23:12Richard, the ice, dear.
23:13I'm not stopping.
23:16I'm just being picked up here by Mr.
23:18Helliwell.
23:19Come on.
23:24Richard, our guests have arrived.
23:29Are you expecting company?
23:31Oh, it's just Elizabeth from next door
23:33and her brother, Emmett.
23:35Oh, I didn't know she had a brother.
23:37Yes, he's recovering from rather a bad divorce.
23:40Oh, divorced, is he?
23:43Hello, I see.
23:44Oh, I, um...
23:45Oh, I can see he's suffered.
23:48Some women can be bitches.
23:53Richard?
23:54Yes?
23:54Have you crushed the ice, dear?
23:55Oh, well, not really.
23:56Well, hurry up, dear.
23:58We'll need it for our frappy mint julep.
24:10Richard?
24:12Answer that, will you?
24:16Are you, Eliwell?
24:18What's it to you?
24:19Rose is my bird.
24:20That's a matter of opinion.
24:23Rose belongs to me.
24:29It's for Rose.
24:32Rose, come out here.
24:33Get rid of them, Richard.
24:34Well, I'm not going out there.
24:35You've seen the size of them.
24:36Oh, it's just muscle.
24:38They must leave at once.
24:39Don't worry, I'll get rid of them.
24:40I've gone off both of them anyway.
24:42I'm going to stay here and have a bit of supper
24:43with Emmett from next door.
24:45Mr. Hawksworth is recovering
24:47from a painful divorce, Rose.
24:49Needs all the help he can get then, doesn't he?
24:52Excuse me, Richard.
24:53Come on, Ed, come on.
24:55Tell him, Rose.
24:56Tell him what.
24:57That you're with me.
24:58Is everything all right, Hyacinth?
24:59Oh, yes.
25:01Everything's fine, yes.
25:03Fresh and Emmett's drink, will you, Richard?
25:06I haven't had one yet.
25:08What did he say?
25:09He said he hasn't had one yet.
25:11Oh, that's good.
25:11Yes.
25:12But, Elizabeth, how's your daughter doing this day?
25:16Quite well, thank you.
25:18Did you hear that?
25:19I expect everybody had.
25:22Everybody had.
25:24Oh, don't shout, dear.
25:25I'm so glad that she's doing it.
25:26Take that!
25:30It'll be so nice for Sheridan to have somebody intelligent to talk to
25:34when he comes home!
25:37Oh!
25:38You know, I don't believe I feel a song coming on.
25:41A song!
25:43Emmett, you'll understand, won't you, dear?
25:46That when the mood dictates, what would one do but just answer the heart and sing!
25:52Sing!
25:53Sing!
25:54Sing!
25:56Sing!
25:57Oh, no!
25:57I'm not making it for you!
25:58Rose of the land
26:01Thou shalt feel
26:03I think I will have that drink now, Richard!
26:06I think I will have that drink now, Richard!
26:07Wild, and I fall
26:08And I fall
26:10And I feel
26:11To the moon
26:14Wild, and I fall
26:17And I fall
26:23Thou shalt blossom
26:25To the earth
26:27Thou shalt blossom
26:28Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.