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00:02Stitch Up. It was a stitch up. They filmed hours of material and most of it is a good
00:12bloke doing a good job of work and the one time I accidentally headbutt an interviewee
00:19makes it to the programme, you're going to look a prat. You headbutt a girl on telly
00:24and you're labelled a prat and that's the game. And the BBC must have taken away about eight hours
00:30footage a day and they got it back and most of it was like, you know, oh look, here's a
00:34good guy.
00:35He's getting on. He's their friend as well as their boss. He's a motivator, an entertainer,
00:41lots of good stuff. Oh, he's made one mistake like any human would. Should we just cut that out?
00:44No, what? Put that bit in. Cut the other stuff out. We want to scapegoat. We want to dumb down.
00:49We want to give them the biggest plonker of the year. You know. I'm not a plonker.
01:09Yep. Obviously what we're doing at the moment is just no sorting the ladies that the agency
01:15have sent me into yes and no piles. These are the matches they've come up with. Quite
01:20a lot of choice, which is good. And I get three free introductions for the money I've already
01:26paid. I've already chosen one, actually, and I'll take a note of lunch a little bit later
01:30today. So I've just got to choose two more. And I just hook up with them, see how it goes.
01:34What's the worst that can happen? You could get one pregnant. I'm not going to get one pregnant,
01:38am I? Do you mind black ones? No, all equal. Because they've sent you three of them.
01:43So that is a lot, isn't it? Shall I put them all on the yes pile or just one to
01:47show you're
01:47not prejudiced? Well, which one, though? That one's smiling. Friendliest. Look at that.
01:5741. Look 30. Look at those. Yes pile? Yeah, if she's got a good personality. Mind you,
02:02though, it says it's a recent photo. How can you be sure, though? That could have been taken
02:06when she was 30. I think they should have to have the picture taken with a copy of today's
02:09newspaper. So... All right. Hiya. Are you okay? Yeah. Busy? Yeah. Gareth, I'll be back
02:17at three. I need to have a chat with you. Is that okay? Okay. See you at the Christmas
02:20party, David. See you then. You still need the two tickets, do you? You're still bringing
02:24a lady friend for the party. Yeah. Good. Look forward to meeting you. No. Come on with her.
02:39No. Everybody, if I can have your attention, please. Short announcement. Okay. For those
02:58of you who care or liked her, Dawn Tinsley will be coming in this afternoon. If you've never
03:02heard of her before, she was just a receptionist, worked here for some years. Her and her fiancé,
03:08Lee, went to Florida. And yes, Tim, that's a fiancé, if you know what that word means. Maybe
03:16you want to keep your thoughts to yourself this time? All right. Back to it then. Please.
03:32Hey. I know what it's like. I've worked in a lot of places over the years, and the number
03:38of infatuations blokes have had over me. Oh, God. I mean, they know they can't have me,
03:44but that doesn't stop them. I don't know what it is about me. They like so much.
03:48Yeah. I'm racking my brains.
04:02Thanks very much. This is nice, isn't it? Yeah. All right. Let's see what's on offer.
04:17Nice. No. Your necklace. I wasn't... Oh. I don't think so. Although, funnily enough,
04:27the reason women wear necklaces is to draw attention to the breasts. I don't. No. I
04:32mean, subconsciously. No, I don't. I wear this because my mother gave it to me before she
04:37died. Yeah. Well, I mean, she probably won't draw attention to hers, but, I mean... Sorry,
04:41can we not talk about my dead mother's breasts? Yeah.
04:49Duck pate.
04:59I wasn't being nude. I was... No, I'm just interested in... Breasts? No. No, um, anthropology,
05:06sort of all that sort of... What signals we give off. I'm not giving off any signals. No,
05:11no, no, no. We all are. I was... I saw a program on the Discovery Channel. Interesting. It was,
05:16uh... Do you know the reason why men are attracted to... to cleavage? It's because it reminds us of
05:21women's buttocks. Because, I suppose, presumably, when we were cavemen, we used to sort of do you
05:26from behind. So, we liked the... And then we evolved and probably turned you over when language came
05:31into either chat or just to look at the breasts that reminded us of the buttocks in the first
05:37place. Can we not talk about breasts full stop? Do you want a starter? No, let's go straight to the
05:45main
05:45course.
06:06I'm actually nervous about seeing everyone again.
06:11I mean, I am conscious that I'm going to have to answer the same question about 30 times. Because,
06:15you know, I'm the one that's been away for a couple of years. And, um, and I just want to
06:18go in and go,
06:18right, we're back. And, you know, it's been lovely weather out there. And we've done
06:22lots of sunbathing. We're not going to be an illustrator. And they haven't made me mad yet.
06:26You know, it's all you take. Let's get drunk. Um, oh, hang on. Sorry if it's just here on the
06:30left.
06:32Left. Thank you.
06:33Why are you not going to be an illustrator anymore? Um, just circumstances, really. Um,
06:38and if someone, you know, said to me, um, bang, you can be an overnight successful illustrator,
06:42that'd be great. And because it was my ambition. Um, but it's not going to happen. So, you know,
06:48because of priorities and time and, you know, all of that, really. Um, thank you.
07:04Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing her again, of course. She's my friend and she's a good friend,
07:09you know. And, no, I don't know exactly how I'll feel. I'll feel like a friend feels,
07:14whatever that is, you know. But, as I said, I'm not going to ask her again. Come on.
07:18Um, I might ask her again. No, I won't. No, I won't. I know I won't. I know I won't.
07:29She would have to do the asking.
07:44Oh, my God. Hello.
07:46Hi. Oh, how are you?
07:51You're looking well.
07:52Thank you, thank you.
07:57No leave? Um, no, he's at his mum's.
08:01Hi.
08:02Hi.
08:02You're looking very brown.
08:04Oh, okay.
08:05So, what have you been up to?
08:07Uh, not much, actually.
08:09Enjoying life?
08:10Uh, trying to.
08:12This is all the same.
08:16Can I get you a cup of tea?
08:17I would love a cup of tea. Thank you.
08:20It's really good to see you.
08:25Oh, um, actually, I think Gareth might want to see you.
08:28So, should we go and see the new boss?
08:31Yes.
08:31I see.
08:32All right, all right.
08:32All right.
08:37See him anyway.
08:38Shall we see him?
08:39Yes.
08:39Ready for this?
08:40He's the boss.
08:44Don Tinsley as I live and breathe.
08:48Don't bloody believe this.
08:49Oh, hi.
08:50Come here.
08:52How are you, babes?
08:54I'm fine, darling.
08:55What are you doing in America?
08:57Sit down.
08:58What do you mean to me?
08:59What are you doing in America, work-wise?
09:00Oh, okay.
09:01Uh, well, it's complicated because, um, you have to have work-wise.
09:04Sure, sure.
09:05I was just going to say, if you are struggling, you're always welcome back here.
09:09Things have changed a little bit around here.
09:11He'll tell you.
09:12I'm quite a powerful man.
09:13If you did come back, you wouldn't necessarily be working behind reception.
09:17I always did think you were a hard worker, if a little bit.
09:20But you still trying to be an artist?
09:23No.
09:24Good, good.
09:25Waste of time, practically thinking.
09:28Moving on.
09:28That's good, because you're a no-spring chicken.
09:31Um, no.
09:41Hello?
09:42Is that Gillian?
09:43Yeah, who's this?
09:44Um, you're one of my introductions from the agency.
09:47Oh, yeah, yeah, hi.
09:48Hi.
09:49You all right?
09:50Yeah.
09:51Um, how do you usually do these things?
09:55Um, well, it depends, really.
09:58I just have a chat on the phone.
09:59Sometimes you meet up.
10:01Um, you know, you wear a carnation, carry a newspaper, sort of.
10:05Oh, well, to help recognise me.
10:07You probably won't need that.
10:09You probably will recognise me.
10:10Will I?
10:11Why is that?
10:12Did you see, um, a documentary that went out on BBC Two called The Office?
10:17Yeah.
10:18God, you're not that awful boss, are you?
10:20No, not the...
10:21No.
10:22What's your name?
10:23Huh?
10:24What's your name?
10:26What's my name?
10:27Or what's his name?
10:27I don't know why you want his name.
10:29Can I...
10:30Oh, no, I've just...
10:31Can I...
10:31Can I call you back, Gillian?
10:33I've got a...
10:34I'll see you...
10:35Oh.
10:37What was that?
10:38Shit, I've got...
10:38Oh!
10:40Who are you?
10:41What's your name?
10:41Too many questions.
10:43God, chill out.
10:44Not...
10:44GBH the ears.
10:45No, no, no, no, no.
10:46Not for me, thank you.
10:48Back to the drawing board.
10:54Do you have any toilets done in January?
10:56Can you tell you?
10:58Tim, you don't tell me about the toilets.
11:00Sorry, I had other things on my mind.
11:01Like, like, Gareth, are you...
11:03Are you still in the TAs?
11:04Yeah.
11:06What rank you?
11:07The F-10.
11:08Are you?
11:09Because I was thinking, if you ever take an enemy soldier prisoner, right, would you have to search him?
11:15Yeah, it's possible, yeah.
11:16Right, so let's just say you've taken him prisoner, you're doing a full body search, you find something
11:19hard, you can feel it, you know what it is.
11:22Do you just say to him, I know you've got a big weapon, give it to me now, or...
11:25I'm not going to ask him, am I?
11:27I'd most likely just get it out myself.
11:29Right.
11:30And what happens?
11:31You're going into battle situation, right?
11:33Are you up the front with your men, or are you coming up the rear?
11:38Depends.
11:39It's possible you'd come up the rear.
11:41It's possible, yeah.
11:42That's all we wanted to know.
11:45What?
11:51Well, yeah, it's like actual sort of...
11:53He's got those clumpy shoes still on, and with the silver...
11:56No, with the silver link across.
11:58It's like that.
11:59He still looks like a golf club.
12:00Go on, Anne, yeah?
12:03Oh, hi, it's nice to meet you.
12:07Oh, I must tell you this, you had a laugh the other day.
12:09Well, the other week.
12:10You know Paul Wallace?
12:11From Harper's.
12:13No, no, no, not anymore.
12:14He's up at Silverleaf now.
12:15Anyway, he's talking to Mel on reception, and he's chatting away,
12:18and I'm listening to him.
12:19And he's talking to her for about ten minutes or so, isn't he?
12:21And then he says, Dawn, have you changed your hair?
12:25He thought she was you.
12:26He didn't realise you'd left.
12:28I laughed.
12:29I shouted out, I said, Paul, do you think that's Dawn?
12:32And he thought it was you.
12:35Extraordinary.
12:36Where's your husband?
12:37Is he here?
12:38Oh, no, he's not my husband yet, so you're going to have children.
12:42That's what I'm aware of.
12:44Word of advice, have them sooner rather than later,
12:48because there's nothing worse than an old mum.
12:54I'm going to chew it off.
12:56Yeah, do you rather cut my hand?
12:57No, I'm fine, thank you.
12:59OK, listen, really good to see you.
13:00Yeah, thank you.
13:00Thanks for coming in.
13:01Oh, God.
13:02Don.
13:02Well, it was...
13:03Don.
13:04How are you doing?
13:05Are you coming to the Christmas party?
13:07Uh, yes, although we've got to leave early, because we're going to get back the next day.
13:11Have you?
13:12Great.
13:12We'll have a good old chat then.
13:16OK, see you, everybody.
13:18See you.
13:18See you.
13:18It was really nice to see you.
13:19All right.
13:20All right.
13:21All right.
13:21All right.
13:21See you soon.
13:37What's that?
13:38It's just a little sketch of me.
13:40Dawn's a bit of an artist, you know.
13:42It's not very accurate.
13:43Your nose is much bigger than that.
13:57Yeah, I spoke to her on the phone, seemed quite nice, so, uh, a bit sick, really.
14:00Not nerves, um, excitement, really.
14:03Not sexual, you know.
14:04Um, she said to be wearing a white chiffon scarf to help me spot her.
14:08So, um, oh, for fuck's sake.
14:11David?
14:12Huh?
14:13Yep, hiya.
14:15Susan?
14:15Yeah, yeah.
14:16Can I get you a drink?
14:17No, I'll get one.
14:18Have you got one?
14:18You go and sit down, I'll get one.
14:23I'll get one.
14:27You're right against it.
14:28Christmas too.
14:50You said on your phone you like classical music.
14:52Do they, yeah?
14:53Yes.
14:53Yeah, you?
14:54Yes.
14:56Who do you like?
14:57All the big ones, all the big names.
14:58I love Greed.
14:59Oh, he's good, isn't he?
15:00Yeah.
15:00Not as good as Beethoven, though.
15:02I think he's generally considered to be the best Beethoven.
15:04Which Beethoven do you like?
15:05All his main hits, all the big ones, yeah.
15:08Yeah, yeah.
15:09Totally deaf, isn't he?
15:13I'm a musician myself, and all those stuff he came up with, I don't think he could have
15:17done better if he could have heard what he was playing, in my opinion.
15:30What else do you like?
15:34Don't have to just talk about classical music.
15:36You can talk about anything.
15:37Sort of what I'm famous for.
15:38We're talking about anything.
15:39Any subject.
15:40You name a subject and I'll, but you name, you name something and I'll tell you an interesting
15:43fact about it.
15:44Sort of trivia or something.
15:45What sort of thing?
15:46Anything.
15:47You can get this.
15:48Huh?
15:49Cows?
15:50Cows.
15:51Cows have got four stomachs.
15:53Right?
15:56I don't know anything like that.
15:57You said cows.
15:58Choose anything.
15:59Choose anything.
16:02Lemons?
16:03Lemons.
16:03Well, I can choose something else.
16:04No, you said lemons.
16:05We're on that.
16:06Let's do...
16:09Er...
16:09Half a pound, there's more sugar in a lemon than a strawberry.
16:14Well, I wouldn't know if that was true or not.
16:16Well, you would, because I just told you it is and I'm not a liar.
16:19No.
16:19No.
16:19Look it up when you get home.
16:22Is that your, er, party trick?
16:24Not a trick, is it?
16:25Knowledge.
16:26Education.
16:26Don't...
16:27You know.
16:33So, how do you feel that way?
16:35Erm, well, not bowled over, to be honest.
16:39In fact, I'm seriously thinking of asking for money back under the Trades Descriptions Act,
16:43because this is the recent photo she sent in.
16:47I'd have been up for that.
16:50And what really annoys me is when I first saw her, I thought, oh, God.
16:53And then I thought, well, you know, maybe she's got a good personality.
16:56She hasn't.
16:57I thought she'd be one of them, sort of, happy, bubbly ones, because we were eating.
17:01She's bleh.
17:02Nothing.
17:03She's not, I mean...
17:05You're not talking about me, are you?
17:06No.
17:07You couldn't hear that anyway, because we're...
17:08No.
17:10Right.
17:15So, would you want to do this again?
17:17With you?
17:18Yes.
17:18When you're lost, eh?
17:19All right.
17:20Shall we just...
17:21Yeah.
17:22See you later.
17:23Cheers.
17:26What did you think of him?
17:28Well, he wasn't quite what I expected.
17:31Can I show you the photo he sent in?
17:39There you go.
17:40All right.
17:40Don't tell anyone.
17:41Keep on your hat.
17:42Oh, right.
17:43Okay.
17:43Secret Santa.
17:44Secret Santa.
17:45James, do you want to take one?
17:46Tell them about the Secret Santa.
17:47All right.
17:48Okay.
17:49This is Secret Santa.
17:50Basically, everybody gets a piece of paper, writes the name on it, puts it in the box,
17:54and we dig it around, and then somebody takes a piece of paper up with a name on it, and
17:57they have to buy that person a present, worth about ten pounds, but you keep it a secret.
18:01And that's fine.
18:01You're not allowed to know who bought you the gift, and that's why it's a secret.
18:04Yeah, let's have a go.
18:07All right.
18:07No way.
18:08I'm not getting in one.
18:09Is that me?
18:11I can't say.
18:12Is it me, though?
18:12Um...
18:13Do you want to swap?
18:14Yes, please.
18:16Is that me, Jane?
18:16I can't say.
18:17If it's me, don't give me some stupid novelty gift, all right?
18:20Just get a voucher, or put ten pounds in an envelope.
18:23I'll get something I really want.
18:24Put a ten in an envelope, if that's me.
18:25Ah.
18:26The Spirit of Christmas.
18:27Mm-hmm.
18:38So what are you doing is just thinking about Dawn?
18:42No, I'm not thinking about Dawn, actually.
18:44I'm just...
18:45I'm not thinking about Dawn, Keith.
18:47Okay, okay.
18:49It's just that I hope you don't embarrass yourself again with her.
18:53Well, I'm not planning to, Keith.
18:55All right?
18:56Yeah.
18:56I mean, that'll be the third time you've asked her out and the woman said no, so...
19:00Well, I don't know what you...
19:01I'm not going to do anything.
19:02That, as far as I'm concerned, is ancient history.
19:04All right.
19:05All right.
19:09Who's going to be there?
19:11Yes, please.
19:13Yeah, let me go.
19:14Yeah.
19:15All right, where abouts?
19:17There you go.
19:18I love shopping for presents.
19:19What time?
19:20I love Christmas, I love birthdays, I...
19:23Do you know what, right?
19:23I get more excited about watching people open their presents than they do.
19:27You don't seem to walk, actually.
19:28Nah.
19:29I don't buy into it.
19:30I mean, it's a con, isn't it?
19:32What I usually say to her is, sort of, work out what she spent on me and then just take
19:35it out of my wallet.
19:38I'm thinking of wrapping it this year.
19:39Yeah.
19:40What?
19:43I don't care.
19:51Word of warning, though.
19:53If you are planning to try and nail Dawn for a third time while she's back, then...
20:00You heard what she said.
20:02She's going back the day after the party, so...
20:05You've not got long if you want to try and...
20:06Yeah, so thank you.
20:09Yeah, that's great.
20:11What do I owe you for this session?
20:13You're obviously such an expert with the ladies.
20:17Yeah?
20:17Yeah.
20:19So why is that?
20:19What is your secret?
20:20I know I've been meaning to ask.
20:21Well, men get turned on by what they see.
20:24Uh-huh.
20:25But women get turned on by what they hear.
20:27Right.
20:29I always make sure the woman hears the right thing.
20:33Yeah?
20:33So what do you do when you're a-wooing and you sing to them, or...?
20:36No.
20:37I've very tenderly explained to them that I will guarantee them at least one orgasm.
20:52What's his name?
20:53Nelson.
20:54Where's his eye patch?
20:55No, no, no.
20:56Not after Ratio Nelson.
20:57After Nelson Mandela.
20:58The great leader.
20:59Who?
21:00They locked up just because he was black.
21:02Well, no.
21:03They locked him up for sabotage and conspiracy to overthrow the government.
21:06Ooh, racist.
21:06No, no, no.
21:07It's not racist.
21:08He was commander-in-chief of the militia wing of the ANC.
21:10Yeah, we don't talk about that, though.
21:11And they actually advocated guerrilla attacks on public property.
21:13But then we're gonna shut him up?
21:14You're gonna...
21:15I thought...
21:16He's a great man, Mandela.
21:18So, great man, great dog.
21:19That's what we're talking...
21:20So, yeah.
21:21Good company as well.
21:22Um, my work takes are coming down the country.
21:24So, good to come back to.
21:26That's why I try not to be away for more than one or two nights.
21:28At the most.
21:29It's not...
21:29It's not fair leaving him locked up for too long.
21:32And like the real Nelson.
21:33Oh.
21:34Oh, what?
21:35Come on.
21:35David, how do that?
21:37Why is that funny?
21:38Hi.
21:38Hi.
21:39Can I have a word, please?
21:40Yeah.
21:42Alone.
21:44He can't understand you.
21:46No, I meant...
21:46Oh, people, yeah.
21:47People.
21:48Come on, Nelson.
21:49Come on.
21:49Come on.
21:53What's your reason for being here, David?
21:55Oh, I don't know.
21:56Is friendship a reason?
21:57No, not really.
21:58And I've just seen you spend ten minutes introducing people to your dog.
22:00Oh, right.
22:01So he's not allowed to come in and chat to people now.
22:02Well, I don't know what he's chatting about, but no.
22:05Oh, sarcasm.
22:05Though his form of wit.
22:07I don't know what he's chatting about, but if he...
22:08And again.
22:09Well...
22:10If he is here to crack jokes, then he should be doing it in his own time.
22:13This is a place of business.
22:14It's not a social club.
22:15Typical.
22:16Yeah, yeah.
22:16You don't like it because I'm popular.
22:17I was snatched away from him.
22:18You don't like me coming back.
22:19No, I don't like the fact that you're interrupting a working day.
22:22And it's not just today.
22:23You seem to be here all the time.
22:24When you were working here, would you allow people just to breeze in?
22:27Yeah.
22:27Making chit-chat, distracting people from their work?
22:29Yes.
22:30Do you mean yes?
22:30Yes, if it was good for morale.
22:31And it is good for morale.
22:33So you should be paying me to be here.
22:34Paying you?
22:35David, you don't work here.
22:36You have no reason to be here.
22:37And unless you have a genuine reason to be here during working hours, you can't keep strolling
22:41in unannounced.
22:42Right.
22:42Whenever you like.
22:43So I'm banned because the regime don't like it, man.
22:46You don't work here, David.
22:47You can't keep coming in for a natter.
22:49Oh, can I come in for a meeting, then?
22:51Well, I don't know what sort of meetings you'd have here.
22:52If I had an excuse for a meeting, could I come in for a meeting?
22:54I can't.
22:54Well, yes, of course.
22:55I was a businessman, but there's no reason.
22:57Well.
22:58Fine.
22:58But you can't keep popping in unannounced.
23:00Come on, Nelson.
23:01He doesn't like it.
23:02David.
23:03Oh, well, let's see how they take.
23:04Oh, political news, everyone.
23:06Break interest in development.
23:08I've been barred from coming here to see you.
23:11Friends by the powers that be that deem it I undermine the regime, because they're scared.
23:15So, can't stop me seeing you after work, though.
23:18Who wants to go for a drink tomorrow to show?
23:21Yeah?
23:23Anyone?
23:26Short notice.
23:27Anyway, what about the day after that?
23:29Can I have a...
23:29Have a beer?
23:32Just...
23:33Thursday's good.
23:34For me, anyway.
23:37What's good for you?
23:41I can still come in for meetings.
23:42Of course, sir.
23:43Who wants a meeting?
23:45No-one wants to have a meeting with you.
23:46No-one wants to have a drink with you.
23:47Don't even work here.
23:49Yeah, I'll have a drink with you tomorrow, David.
23:51Give us a call after work, yeah?
23:52Yeah.
23:52All right.
23:54There he is.
23:54Let's get you home, boy, before he bars you from the office.
23:57He is barred.
23:58Oh, taken out on animals.
24:00There's your evidence.
24:04Fight it.
24:05I don't...
24:08Come on, boy.
24:10Come on, boy.
24:47I don't want to do these anymore.
24:49Oh, don't be silly.
24:50I'm not being silly, Pete.
24:51It's just demeaning.
24:52It's like a load of idiots.
24:54But they loved you.
24:55They didn't love me.
24:56They didn't care.
24:56If they loved me, why were they throwing stuff?
24:58Throwing water, plastic bottles, underpants.
25:02One bloke threw a pair of Y-fronts, hit me in the face.
25:05Yeah?
25:05And I knew it was Nutella or Marmite he'd smudged on the gusset.
25:09But it was still him going,
25:10that's what we think of you, mate.
25:11You're shit.
25:13Where'd you get a Marmite from?
25:15He must have prepared that home because he knew you were on.
25:19Well, that doesn't make me feel any better.
25:20Why say that?
25:21I'm not going to do these anymore.
25:23Look, let me tell you.
25:25I've heard this before.
25:27I remember hearing this exact same thing before from Bruno Brooks.
25:31I remember he used to come off stage almost in tears sometimes.
25:33I'll tell you why.
25:34It's because you're a perfectionist.
25:36Yes, yes, I am.
25:38And because I've got stuff to say to the world.
25:41Not just wave, it's just waving.
25:43Why is it waving?
25:44Shall I say you want to do less waving?
25:46Not the point.
25:47They're not my audience.
25:48Get me on something that I could, you know, I'm an anecdotalist.
25:51Get me on...
25:52I'll tell you what I'd hit it off with.
25:55Who?
25:55Parkinson.
25:57Um, yeah, that could be tricky.
26:00The trouble with that is that Parkey tends to have people on his show that have actually
26:04done something, you know, people who've won a Oscar or something.
26:07Not always.
26:08I saw one with that...
26:09Who's that bloke who was hostage in Beirut, chained to a radiator?
26:12John McCarthy.
26:13Yeah, what's that?
26:14Oh, so what did you do all day?
26:16Nothing.
26:16I was chained to a radiator.
26:17Boring.
26:18Next.
26:18And what's he done since?
26:19Nothing.
26:20I've got anecdotes.
26:21I've got stuff to say.
26:22If people would listen, but they won't.
26:25Well, I'll see what I can do, but in the meantime, you're down at Malibu's in Bracknell Wednesday
26:28week.
26:33Cool.
26:33Definitely cool, Parker.
26:34Do you know anyone?
26:35Do you know anyone?
26:35Yeah, I'll sort it out, don't we?
26:37I know a bloke.
26:40Used to work on the show, I think, in the 70s.
26:43He's retired now, but he still knows Parker, I think.
26:53When I'm on the road and I'm staying away, it's good to get back to your room after one
27:00of those and just, you know, this is fairly typical for me.
27:04You know, I like to...
27:05It just helps me relax.
27:07Some people like a hot bath.
27:09That's my Radox.
27:19But, you know, Neil will make one too many mistakes.
27:25Head officer see what I always knew, and they're going there, and they're marching there, and
27:29they go, right, yeah, Dave was right, right, you've pissed off him, you've pissed off him,
27:34right, you know, you're not the manager you think you are, okay?
27:38So, get out, we made the mistake, and they drag him out by his hair, and that's when the begging
27:43starts, and then they come to me, and they go, oh, David, we've got rid of him, you're
27:47all right, how long can you come back?
27:48You're the man for this job, you're the best man for this job.
27:50Will you come back?
27:51I go, yeah, sure, how much money have you got?
27:53Because this is going to cost you.
27:56This is going to cost you.
28:11Yeah, I'll make that 93.
28:15Is it?
28:18Yeah.
28:37Something you find this week gets the juices flowing.
28:42I'm coming up, so you better get a party started.
28:46Shamow!
28:47I'm coming up, I'm coming.
28:49I hope not.
28:50I'm in the pink.
28:54I'm in the pink.
28:55You know what I'm singing?
28:56I get it.
28:56Yeah, pink, she's good, she's wicked.
28:58Oh, coming to the party?
29:00Big time.
29:00What time's the meal beforehand?
29:02I think I better line my stomach.
29:03I needed to speak to you about that.
29:04Management, I've had a discussion, upper echelons, above my head, but I decided that only present
29:09employees of the company can come to the meal, so.
29:13Yeah, I'm not worried about that.
29:15I don't want to come to the meal.
29:16I'm just...
29:16Good, because you wouldn't be allowed in if you did turn up, so.
29:19I don't want to.
29:20Listen to me.
29:22Whose idea was that?
29:23Niels?
29:23It might have been Niels, yeah.
29:24Oh, surprise.
29:27No one else is invited, who doesn't work here.
29:28Dawn's not invited to the meal, anything.
29:30No.
29:30Fine.
29:32I know what he's doing.
29:33I know what he's up to.
29:34I'd probably have a word with Niels if you want me to.
29:36Something.
29:37I don't think you could do.
29:38You're just a puppet.
29:39I take it I can still bring a woman to this party.
29:41Yeah.
29:42If you can find one.
29:43I don't mean if I can find one.
29:44I've found one.
29:45Have you?
29:46Which one?
29:46Which one?
29:47Which one?
29:47Off the list?
29:48Which one off the list?
29:49She might not be on the list.
29:50I might have met her in the pub.
29:51Did you?
29:52No.
29:53She's on the list.
29:54But don't assume.
29:55Never assume makes an ass out of you and me.
29:58I see that.
29:58Yeah, I know you do, yeah.
29:59Nick my catchphrases, don't you?
30:01Like that one.
30:01And others.
30:04What time's the meal finish?
30:05Nine, nine thirty.
30:06Nine thirty?
30:07What am I going to do for three hours?
30:12See that, see that.
30:16See that.
30:18See that.
30:34See that.
30:57Thank you, good man.
30:59Shoot off to a club and come back when this place livens up.
31:01Jesus Christ, that's what the news was like.
31:03It's in my day, didn't it?
31:04Ah, but question it.
31:05What makes us two look like a bear of bollocks?
31:07Brick in the middle.
31:09Oh, that's more like it.
31:10Keep them coming, I'll stick around.
31:12All right, gents.
31:13All right, shoot.
31:13Then, David, Merry Christmas.
31:15Merry Christmas to you.
31:16So, David, where's your holiday?
31:18On our way, so don't...
31:19Yeah, absolutely.
31:21Don't think...
31:23Fashionably late.
31:23Not even late, actually.
31:24Sorry to come down about half nine, ten o'clock.
31:26It's nearly ten now, isn't it?
31:28Nearly ten isn't ten, though, is it?
31:29Nearly ten isn't ten.
31:31God, over there.
31:32Don't run this place like that.
31:33Flash is.
31:33Chill out.
31:35Oh, looking forward to meeting us.
31:37We all are.
31:37We all are.
31:38It's not.
31:39Bloody hell.
31:41All right, mate.
31:42Lee.
31:43How you doing?
31:43Lee, nice to see you.
31:44All right.
31:44Yeah.
31:44Good.
31:45Yeah.
31:45Looking very well?
31:46Cheers.
31:46Yeah, hello.
31:47Hi.
31:47Are you doing all right?
31:48Yeah.
31:49Oh, Tom.
31:50Look at this.
31:51It's the American couple.
31:54Looking brown and white with your teeth.
31:57Yes, isn't it?
31:58Good.
31:59Yeah.
32:00Thank you, babe.
32:01You look very well.
32:01Cheers.
32:01Very well.
32:02Happy Christmas.
32:04Thank you, Santa.
32:05Trudy.
32:06That away.
32:07Sorry, have you met?
32:08You're going to take a close.
32:09Come back.
32:10Yeah, okay.
32:24I don't know what to expect, to be honest.
32:26I haven't been impressed so far.
32:28I hope they're vetting them, because the computer seems to be throwing up any old rubbish.
32:32It's like, I don't know, they haven't put me in the right category or something, because,
32:35you know, I don't believe it.
32:37Look at this.
32:44Hello.
32:44Hiya.
32:45All right.
32:45Yeah.
32:46Is Monkey in there?
32:47Oh, yeah.
32:49You all right?
32:49Yeah, no.
32:50I was expecting a blind date, and I was worried you were it.
32:54No.
32:54Yeah, he's up there.
32:55Yeah, sorry.
33:09I was going to say, do you, I mean, do you hire a car in the States, is it?
33:13Yeah.
33:13That's how you get around?
33:14Yeah.
33:14Yeah.
33:15Cool.
33:16Cool.
33:20Hey, Lee, have a word with this one about not doing the old illustrating anymore.
33:23I heard she's not drawing or...
33:26Wait, really?
33:27I would have thought you were in the perfect spot.
33:28I mean, picturesque for the old watercolours, or...
33:31No, we agreed, you know, making a living's got to come first.
33:34Well, she can still do it in the evening, no?
33:36Yeah, but to make money out of it, you know, you've got to be good.
33:39Right.
34:00Well done, we've brought you the long way round, it's just Chris, Neil, Carol, Dave.
34:06Hi, Carol.
34:07Nice to meet you for this evening.
34:08Vodka.
34:09So, yeah, yeah, let's get you some alcohol today, what's your fancy?
34:13Got wine, we've got beer.
34:14Oh, no, I'm watching this thing.
34:15Oh, let me do that.
34:17Vodka?
34:18Yeah, vodka's fine.
34:19Pint of vodka.
34:19Pint.
34:20Joking.
34:20Oh.
34:23Thought you'd send me an alky then.
34:24Right, good.
34:25Excuse me.
34:26Yeah.
34:28That's right.
34:32Did you see the documentary when it went out?
34:35No, no, no, no, I didn't.
34:36I know you were in it there, yeah.
34:38Just a bit, just a bit, yeah.
34:39Was that weird?
34:40Weird isn't the word I used when I saw it go out.
34:43Stitch-up was, to be honest.
34:45Why?
34:45Well, I don't know if you understand television, but it was the way, conveniently, they left out all the good
34:49bits I did every day.
34:50And just put in the embarrassing bits.
34:52Like what?
34:53Well, like the time I head-butted someone.
34:55You head-butted someone?
34:56Yeah, yeah, but she was, to be fair, yeah, but it was manipulated, that's what I'm saying.
34:59They're crafty as well, because, example, once the guys found out, you know, I sing and play.
35:06Do you?
35:06Yeah, big time.
35:07You're good?
35:07Yeah, yeah, just a bit.
35:09They always get me to go, oh, come on, give us a song, David.
35:12And I was doing a prompter gig one afternoon, and they're filming it, and I did a beautiful version of
35:18No Woman, No Cry.
35:19Really?
35:19By the late, great, genius, Bob Marley.
35:22Bob Marley.
35:22Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:23Good.
35:24And all I'll say is this, Oliver, who is the office black guy, thought it was brilliant.
35:31Did he?
35:31Yeah, he should know, so I'll take his word.
35:34But they didn't put that bit in?
35:36No, no.
35:36And it's...
35:43Jeff Blank, you're fired.
35:44Get out.
35:45I'm joking.
35:46Go.
35:48Hello.
35:49Did you drive down?
35:50No, I can't.
35:51Okay.
35:51Right, here, we took a taxi.
35:53What are you saying about the service?
35:55Oh.
35:56Oh.
35:56Oh.
35:57Oh.
35:58Oh.
36:01Oh, that sounds good.
36:03It is, yeah.
36:04I like that.
36:05And what about you?
36:06I'm repping at the moment in the day.
36:09I'm getting into entertainment now.
36:10Are you?
36:11Yeah, it's very difficult, though.
36:12I bet.
36:13Yeah, it seems to be a series of shitty little PAs at the moment, due to the fact that my
36:16agent, agent, does not know his arse from his elbow, excuse my French, but, you know,
36:21I go out, wait for ten minutes, and embarrass him, and they're all half my age, and I know
36:26they're taking the mick, but...
36:26Well, not really, you know, you're getting paid, you never see them again, what do you care?
36:31I don't.
36:31Yeah, take the money and run.
36:33Spend it on something you do want to do.
36:36Yeah.
36:37I mean, to spoil a child, it is a kind of child abuse, you know, and, you know, you've
36:42got a responsibility as a parent, and you can't do that to your children.
36:48You cannot do that to your children.
36:49I'll tell you what, though, you're not going to read it in a classroom, you know, you're
36:52not going to go down there.
36:53Hello, sir.
36:54Whoops.
36:54Well, I know you've broken the country, then.
36:57No, that's going to be ridiculous.
36:58You're going to have to find that out through next year.
37:00Excuse me?
37:01Do you mind not smoking near me?
37:03Sorry?
37:03Do you mind not smoking near me?
37:05Hello?
37:06Hello?
37:06I am pregnant, sir.
37:07Yeah, and this is a party.
37:08I don't really care about the party.
37:10I care about my unborn child.
37:12Yeah, well, maybe you should fuck off opening them if you're pregnant, you don't care.
37:16What did you say?
37:17You think we care as much about your baby as you do?
37:20Just because you let some useless toss up loads of beans up your mum.
37:23Well done.
37:24Merry fucking Christmas.
37:29Beans.
37:30Oh, you had me love for starving on your wall.
37:36Beans.
37:38Ah, beans.
37:39Good.
37:40Mum.
37:42What?
37:43What's the books for me?
37:43Beans.
37:44Beans.
38:13Beans.
38:15Is.
38:17Oh!
38:19I ate a covered on my bed.
38:24Oh, no, no, no.
38:29I was aона of my bed.
38:30Oh, no, no, no.
38:30But otherwise, you'll find your way around and everything like that.
38:33Yeah?
38:33Like everything where I was.
38:34Do you like that?
38:37Come on.
38:38Come on.
38:39Give yourself a little.
38:40I'll go down.
38:41I'll go down.
38:43I'll go down.
38:44Oh, Jess.
38:44Oh, Jess.
38:51Dawn, have you done that important report that I asked you to do?
38:54I haven't been waiting two years.
38:55I would have done.
38:55Where the hell is it?
38:56Unfortunately, be extremely busy.
38:57So I'm dating, finding my nails.
38:59Sure, sure.
39:00Well, I am beginning to wonder if your heart is really in this job.
39:02Dawn, you shouldn't be behind there.
39:04You don't work here anymore.
39:05Look at the boss.
39:06Look at him.
39:07Look at his little boss face.
39:08Are you enjoying this?
39:09Yeah, yeah.
39:09It's alright.
39:10Gareth, I meant to ask you.
39:12Following on from our discussion, you know when you're out on manoeuvres?
39:16You have to stay over at a barracks, right?
39:18With all those men in bunk beds now.
39:21Do you prefer to go on top?
39:23Yeah, because then if you get up in the night, you disturb them, but they can't disturb you.
39:26So it helps.
39:29I mean, they're trained, aren't they?
39:30They must be pretty fit, I guess.
39:31Yep.
39:31So you're just looking at the men and you're going, they're fit.
39:34We all are.
39:35You have to be fit.
39:35And if you're like in a wood and an enemy soldier sort of dumps on one of your boys,
39:40are you going to stand there in panic or would you pull him off?
39:43Yeah, immediately.
39:44You'd pull him off right away?
39:45Of course.
39:45Right.
39:46They're winding you up, mate.
39:47It means wank you off.
39:50Did you?
39:51Yeah.
39:52Afraid I did, sorry.
39:53Thanks, mate.
39:54Hey.
39:54Hey.
39:55That's pathetic.
39:59Right, shall we make a move?
40:01Hey?
40:01Er, will you give me a few minutes to go away, shall we?
40:04I know what you're like.
40:05You'll have too much to drink tonight and moan all day tomorrow.
40:08What about Secret Santa?
40:10Well, I'm sure you'll cope.
40:11I'll go and get the coat, sorry.
40:12Ahem.
40:13Right, mate.
40:15Yeah, well.
40:19Ah.
40:22You can persuade him to stay for a little bit longer, can't you?
40:25Sorry.
40:27I...
40:27No.
40:28It's...
40:28I mean, we have to go tomorrow.
40:30Done.
40:30Understood.
40:31Eight hours, right?
40:31Fair play.
40:32Is it eight hours?
40:33It is.
40:37Come on.
40:38Ahem.
40:39You all right?
40:49So, this has been nice.
40:50It has.
40:51Good night, innit?
40:52Yeah.
40:54Good seeing you again.
40:55Look after yourself.
40:56I will.
40:56Have a good life.
40:58I could...
40:58Keep in touch.
40:59Yeah, I won't.
41:00I won't.
41:01Yeah, I won't.
41:02I will.
41:03Anyway.
41:05Yeah, listen.
41:05Listen, don't you?
41:07It's really nice seeing you, Don.
41:08Good to see you.
41:09Good to see you.
41:10Look after yourself.
41:11It's a secret centre.
41:14See you, mate.
41:14Good to see you.
41:15Lee, your little office.
41:16Good luck.
41:17Cheers.
41:18Here we go.
41:20Bye!
41:21Everybody...
41:21Dawn's off, everyone.
41:22Bye!
41:23See you later, mate.
41:24Take care.
41:25Have a nice flight back.
41:27Bye.
41:28Bye.
41:28Bye.
41:28Ah, I did.
41:29I didn't mean anything I just want you back for girls.
41:33Want you back.
41:34Want you back.
41:35Want you back for good.
41:38Whatever I'm wrong just turn this on, and I'll sing it.
41:42You'll be right and understand, you'll be right.
41:44Want you back.
41:45Want you back for.
41:46I want you back for good.
41:50Right, very nice.
41:53Bleak.
41:53Next
41:54isn't Garrett.
41:55Vehicles.
41:56Good29.
41:57Very funny.
41:59No, don't tell him! Secret Santa, that's the point!
42:02Whoever it was, I specifically said I wanted vouchers, so... annoying.
42:07The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with.
42:11You don't know them, it wasn't your choice,
42:14and yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family.
42:18But probably all you've got in common is the fact that you walk around
42:21on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day.
42:26And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with,
42:33yeah, and dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life, and it meant a lot.
42:41But, if I'm really being honest, I never really thought it would have a happy ending.
43:00I don't know what a happy ending is.
43:04Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments.
43:10And, erm...
43:10It's like, you know, when you turn the camera off, it's not an ending, is it?
43:14I'm still here, my life's not over, come back here in ten years.
43:19See how I'm doing then.
43:21Because I could be married with kids, you don't know.
43:27Life just goes on.
43:35Life just goes on.
43:45The moon is bright, the spirit's on.
43:50we're here tonight and that's enough simply having a wonderful christmas time
43:59simply having a wonderful christmas time no i wasn't holding out a lot of hope for this evening
44:07but she is a brilliant woman smart logical and you hear people say that you can't be a beautiful
44:16sensual woman like carol and still be logical she's proved them wrong so you know part of the
44:22attraction in fact for me to be attracted to a woman she has to be as intelligent or slightly
44:27less intelligent than me she is you know and never impressed these guys ago oh look at her she's got
44:34a great pair of breasts or she's got a cute little tush i mean carol's got all those things but
44:41she's
44:41got it going on upstairs as well as down perfect for me how was that yeah he's funny yeah he
44:52wants
44:52to try my thai food that's okay yeah i had a good chat a good chat with him would you
45:00want to see him
45:00again yeah thanks so thank you very much oh thank you very much it's all right
45:45for a beach holiday i mean it's perfect
45:47long flight but we get the weather two weeks um grand each and it's the same time again
45:52so i'll get you the details well done i was gonna say to you leeds are doing well what lucky
45:57well they're in the league they do what are they what are you talking about you don't know about
46:00football guilty i support ready no you don't support them when you last got one that i support
46:05football more than him yeah i'm more of a rugby man admits it admits him so no dog with you
46:11today david well do you not see it she just left chris yeah won't you fuck off
46:42all i'm saying is think about what i say all right the doctor is i know this they're tripping
46:49right now is it blowing the car is his father okay and the doctor is really did say all right
46:57i can't operate on that boy because he's my son the doctor's done the truth as well is he
47:16all i needed was to love you again all i needed for another day
47:24and all i ever knew
47:28only you
47:33this is gonna take a long time and i wonder what's mine
47:38can't take no more
47:42wonder if you understand
47:44it's just a touch of your head
48:07a philosopher once wrote you need three things to have a good life
48:12one a meaningful relationship two a decent job of work
48:19and three to make a difference
48:23and it was always that third one that stressed me to make a difference and i realized that
48:27i do every day we all do it's how we interact with our fellow man
48:35sorry can i have what just one with neil out so just one of the old gang do you mind
48:39just one of the old gang
48:40yeah come on yeah yeah the real gang yeah all right the glory years
48:46how would you like to be remembered
48:50simply as the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met
48:57let's say cheese
48:58cheese
49:00is that a blast
49:01okay just give me a sec
49:03having a bit of trouble here
49:04oh i'm having a bit of trouble myself
49:08oh betty
49:09jessica the cat did a whoops out in my beret
49:12oh
49:16that is frank spencer
49:18oh do it again