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00:04The Bacay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
00:09Do I sound like a Chinese takeaway?
00:13I am a highly desirable private residence in an area of outstanding natural property values.
00:20And I'm waiting for your apology.
00:23Unless, of course, the thought of bean shoots and crispy wonton have totally stir-fried you basically have.
00:28I kindly clear this line.
00:31There are people of substance in this community who are probably queuing to ring me at this very moment.
00:37Your suggestion is noted.
00:40But I see little practical merit in having the telephone up my jumper.
00:47I've just been insulted on my own telephone.
00:50I expect the opportunities are rare of being insulted on other people's.
00:54I think it's time, Richard, that you complained.
00:58About what?
00:59About these wrong numbers for the Chinese takeaway.
01:02You must ring the ambassador.
01:05What ambassador?
01:06The Chinese, of course.
01:09I don't think it's really his province.
01:11Then what's he here for?
01:13Well, probably for more than that.
01:14They're a very ancient civilisation.
01:17Oh, Richard, don't just sit there.
01:20You directly inquiries.
01:26That's it.
01:27Finished.
01:28No more men.
01:30Enough's enough.
01:31In the end, they all deceive you.
01:35After all I've done for that swine,
01:38to leave me for another woman,
01:40I don't care if she is his wife.
01:44Well, it's over.
01:45I've learnt my lesson.
01:47I only want one.
01:49I wish you'd find yourself a nice, steady bloke.
01:53Give your hormones a chance to settle.
01:57Stop living on your nerves.
02:00And my fags.
02:02My hormones have settled.
02:04I've finished.
02:05No more men.
02:07Swine.
02:08He swore he'd love me to the end of time.
02:11I didn't realise he meant closing time.
02:16Go on, then.
02:18Read me some book.
02:20I love you, he said,
02:22lifting her gently onto the balcony.
02:25Oh, Jeremy, she said.
02:27Oh, chuffing it.
02:39Hello!
02:42Good morning, Mr. Kenworthy.
02:44Good morning, Mrs. Bucket.
02:48Were you going too fast?
02:49It's the modern disease.
02:52Have you hurt yourself?
02:54I do hope you've sustained no injury.
02:56No, thank you.
02:57I'm fine.
02:58Your waving distracted me.
03:00Really?
03:01I'd ask you in,
03:03only my husband's busy on the telephone
03:04with the Chinese ambassador.
03:14I wonder if I might ask you
03:16not to cough or sneeze too loudly.
03:18My husband's on the telephone
03:20with the Chinese ambassador.
03:23They're a very ancient civilization.
03:32Well, what did he say?
03:35I had to leave a message.
03:36It was an answering machine.
03:37Oh.
03:38Was it a cultured voice?
03:39Yes.
03:40Well, that's it, then.
03:41You've been speaking to the ambassador.
03:44Oh, do you think so?
03:47Now, don't contradict me, Richard.
03:48It's very tiring.
03:50You ought to be very pleased
03:52that you're on chatting terms
03:53with the Chinese ambassador.
03:55Who is?
03:56We are.
03:57You left a message on his machine.
04:00Therefore, he will ring us back.
04:04I must tell my Sheridan.
04:16No sign of her.
04:17Let's get in the car and away
04:18before she spots us.
04:20You're getting paranoid about Hyacinth.
04:23Which seems a very sensible way to be.
04:35Not so loud.
04:36Emmett, I'm at my own home
04:38in broad daylight.
04:39I see no reason to creep about.
04:42I can give you
04:43one damn good reason
04:46to creep about.
04:48No, I've got a better idea.
04:51Let's freewheel down the drive
04:52and start the car in the street.
04:54There isn't any sleep.
04:55I'll give you a push.
04:57Emmett.
04:57It's worth it, Liz.
04:58Believe me, it's worth it.
05:00If she spots us,
05:01you want to know where we're going.
05:02You'll tell her because you can't lie.
05:07Why is it?
05:08You're a grown woman
05:09and you can't lie.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:32I'll get Richard
05:33to give you a hand.
05:36That's if he's finished
05:37his diplomatic call.
05:39It's all right, Hyacinth.
05:41Honestly.
05:42No, I won't be dissuaded.
05:44That's what friends are for.
05:46People, people, people
05:50are the ones who meet me.
05:54Quick, shut the car.
06:02I'll go where there are no men.
06:05I'll emigrate somewhere desolate
06:08with none of the creature comforts.
06:12Scrub that.
06:14Too much like home.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:19Men.
06:21How can you go on reading
06:23romantic dribble
06:24when you know what men are like?
06:27In this book,
06:28they're terrific.
06:30Jeremy has hair
06:31like golden corn.
06:33He's tall
06:35and slender.
06:37A magnificent figure
06:39on a horse.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:45So how come I'm still
06:46in love with Onslow?
06:47You must be coming
06:48unglued in the head.
06:50Any more bread?
06:51Get them yourself.
06:52It's all right.
06:53I'll get them.
06:55LAUGHTER
06:56You'd think his hair
06:57was like golden corn.
06:59Smoky bacon flavour.
07:00There's no smoky bacon flavour left.
07:05Oh, nice.
07:07LAUGHTER
07:08LAUGHTER
07:09He could be the alternator.
07:11Right.
07:11Try now, Liz.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:15LAUGHTER
07:15Well done, Richard.
07:17Yes, thank you very much.
07:19You're getting dupes, really.
07:20Don't be so modest.
07:22It was very kind of you.
07:24I don't think I did anything, really.
07:25Well, you did enough, dear.
07:28And now Elizabeth and Emmett
07:29can be off to where they're going.
07:32Wherever that is.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:35Are you going far?
07:37No.
07:38Not far.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:40Well, it's very mysterious.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42Is it a very interesting not far?
07:45It's just the church hall, Hyacinth.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:47Well, the church hall.
07:49I didn't know there was a function.
07:51No, no, no.
07:51Not a function, really.
07:53It's just that the, the, the, the, the, the people are saying that it's just, yeah, just a bit of
07:58music.
07:58Oh, the old people.
08:00Oh, well, what a good idea.
08:03Richard, we'd better get along.
08:05Mustn't delay these people.
08:08I thought she'd push her way in.
08:10I could have sworn she'd want to sing.
08:12Well, there you are, you see.
08:13You're being unfair to her.
08:16LAUGHTER
08:16I've just had a wonderful idea.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:20You play and I'll sing.
08:22For the old people, bless them.
08:25How they'll enjoy it.
08:27I'll bring the vicar now.
08:29And I'll see you at the church hall.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:38LAUGHTER
08:38LAUGHTER
08:43Oh, may I speak to the vicar, please?
08:46Not available. Is he busy?
08:48Oh, ringing the bells, oh.
08:52Rings his own bells.
08:53How democratic.
08:55Oh, I can just picture the vicar at the end of his rope.
08:59LAUGHTER
08:59Now, I assume I'm speaking to the vicar's wife.
09:02Yes, well, you remember me, dear.
09:05Hyacinth Bouquet.
09:07Well, that is a bad cough, dear.
09:09Something's gone down the wrong way.
09:10LAUGHTER
09:11Now, I want you to pass a little message to the vicar.
09:14He'll be thrilled.
09:15We have a surprise for the old people's entertainment.
09:19Tell the vicar that it won't just be Piano Forty.
09:23I've volunteered my services to sing.
09:26LAUGHTER
09:26You must take something for that cough, dear.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:31The bucket woman.
09:34LAUGHTER
09:36He'll go mad when I tell him it's the bucket woman.
09:39LAUGHTER
10:03Which shall I wear, dear?
10:05Oh, I wish you wouldn't give me that kind of responsibility.
10:09You know I value your opinion, Richard.
10:12Since when?
10:13I'll wear this one.
10:15Glad I sorted that out for you.
10:18Ah!
10:20I'll answer it.
10:21La la la la la la la la la la la la...
10:25The Becay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
10:28Richard?
10:29Oh, yes, he's here.
10:31She'll find out sooner or later.
10:33why did you tell her i had to tell her i mean you were there she practically dragged it out
10:40of me one more hesitation she'd have torn out my fingernails you could have lied well you know
10:47how bad i am at lying i'll teach you well just make the best of it it's for the old
10:53people of
10:54whom i'm going to be one before this is over well be fair to her she's got a rich strong
11:00voice
11:02it's not the voice it's who's in charge of it
11:16oh who was it dear
11:22it was the head of my department oh that's nice dear they're thinking of offering some people
11:29early retirement he wants to know how i feel about early retirement oh richard that means we'd be
11:39together all day and every day
11:43okay
12:00well how do i look right
12:06How do I look?
12:07Fine.
12:10There's only the dog paying any attention.
12:17Somebody turn the set off.
12:19Rose turned the set off.
12:21Thank God for that. I thought I'd gone blind.
12:25Could you spare me one moment of your time?
12:28It's important to me.
12:30How do I look?
12:33Figure in black.
12:35I've seen it somewhere.
12:38Weren't you in Frankenstein's House of Horrors?
12:42What are you doing all dressed in black?
12:44Practising.
12:46I'm taking the veil.
12:48I'm going to be a nun.
12:51Your skirt's too short.
12:54I'll have it lengthened.
12:56Talk about poacher-turning gamekeeper.
12:59They'll never take you for a nun.
13:00They might, if I can get a recommendation from a clergyman.
13:04You don't even know a clergyman.
13:06Oh, I met that dishy vicar at our IASILS.
13:10The way you threw yourself at him, he'll never recommend you for a nun.
13:16You're too emotional, are you, Rose?
13:18Oh, I've taken care of that.
13:20I've taken a tranquiliser.
13:23She'll throw me down to a more religious speed.
13:26I hope your brakes don't fail in front of that vicar.
13:36Early retirement.
13:47Richard, the door.
13:55Oh, dear, this door.
14:05Richard, what on earth's the matter with you, dear?
14:08What's the matter with me?
14:09Nothing.
14:10Now should anything be the matter.
14:18Oh.
14:22Oh.
14:22Oh.
14:24Oh.
14:27Oh.
14:35I shall start with a few of the old favourites.
14:38They love the old favourites.
14:40Sheridan always loved the old favourites.
14:43We have to have a talk, Hyacinth.
14:45About early retirement.
14:48And for a finale, I think a medley from The Sound of Music.
14:54Turn left here, Richard.
14:56For that, I shall wear my Austrian hat, the one with the feather.
15:01I wonder if Emmett has any leather shorts.
15:04I mean, with me talking, too.
15:11He could have, you know.
15:13Anyone who's in an operatic society should have some leather shorts.
15:16Of course, he'd probably left them behind.
15:21You could go and fetch them for him, Richard.
15:23Turn left, dear.
15:25You've got to promise me that when we have our talk,
15:27that you make an effort and try to listen
15:29when you're not actually saying anything.
15:34Richard, are you listening?
15:35Are you paying attention, dear?
15:38You've not been listening.
15:40Turn right, dear.
15:48What are we doing here?
15:50You said turn right.
15:53I meant right at the next junction.
15:57You're going to allow me to go all that way without further instructions.
16:01I want you to start rehearsing now, Richard.
16:05This is not the kind of area in which I wish to be seen talking.
16:12Right, I'm off.
16:13Don't I get a kiss?
16:14Of course you get a kiss.
16:16Keep away from the ladies.
16:18Now, how can I keep away from the ladies?
16:2098.5% of my congregation are ladies.
16:22And they all adore you, including me.
16:25You're just jealous.
16:27Of course I'm jealous.
16:28Keep away from the ladies.
16:30I must go.
16:31Now, where are those dates for the youth club?
16:40Why the vicarage?
16:41I thought you were singing at the church hall.
16:44Well, I thought I'd ask the vicar
16:45if there were any little favourites he wishes me to include.
16:48It's the sort of courtesy he would expect from me.
16:56Haven't you forgotten something, dear?
16:58Hmm?
16:59The door.
17:02Oh, the retirement.
17:05Hmm?
17:12Oh, that was quick.
17:20You said, keep away from the ladies.
17:28Oh, I see.
17:30I meant keep away from all of them,
17:31not just that one.
17:33Tell her I've been called away.
17:34Where to?
17:36Vladivostok.
17:42Pull yourself together, Richard.
17:44Whatever's the matter with you?
17:47Do you really want to know?
17:48I mean, really, want to know?
17:51Of course I want to know.
17:53Whatever concerns you concerns me.
17:56Very well, then.
17:57I'll tell you.
18:02The thing that's bothering me.
18:04You see how much better it is when we talk these things out?
18:07You haven't started yet?
18:10That's what wives are for, to listen.
18:15Well, you think of all the terrible things that can happen to you,
18:18but I completely overlook the possibility.
18:21Oh, my goodness.
18:22Look at the time.
18:23I'm not waiting.
18:24You want to rehearse?
18:25I'll talk to the vicar later.
18:27We must go straight to the church hall.
18:32Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
18:36You can't hide there, oldie.
18:39You're right.
18:39I'd be safer in the kitchen.
18:41I'll have another cup of coffee.
18:51Judging by the length of the skirt,
18:52it must be Rose underneath that veil.
18:55What would Rose be doing here?
18:56Wobbling as if she's been drinking.
18:59When she's going to wobble off somewhere else.
19:04I will not have a sister in black wobbling into our church.
19:10Rose!
19:13Incredible.
19:15You look exactly like my sister Hyacinth.
19:19Rose, have you been drinking?
19:22I haven't been drinking.
19:23I took a pill,
19:25and it seems to have gone straight to me knees.
19:28I wish you could say the same about your skirt.
19:32Why are you here?
19:34I want to see the vicar.
19:37You're in no condition to see the vicar.
19:39I want to be a nun.
19:40Put me down.
19:40I want to be a nun.
19:41Richard, give me a hand.
19:43Funny how you mishear things.
19:45I could have sworn she said she wanted to be a nun.
19:47I do, I do.
19:49Oh, we'll have to take her home.
19:51There's no time.
19:52Richard, do you remember where you are?
19:55We'll have to hide her in the hall until she pulls herself together.
19:58Pulling herself together?
20:04You're not even satisfied when a person wants to be a nun.
20:09How together do you have to get?
20:14No, don't get in the way, Richard.
20:20Oh, mind what you're doing, dear.
20:22Oh, Rose!
20:24I know it's been a lifetime's dedication, but I wish you'd try to break this habit of wanting to lie
20:28down everywhere.
20:31Don't try and stay on your feet.
20:34Knees.
20:34If I'm going to be a nun, I should be on my knees.
20:38It's me that'll be on my knees.
20:40Oh, Richard wants to be a nun, too.
20:45She's surprisingly heavy for a short-skirted person.
20:51How many pills did she take?
20:55I tell you something.
20:56This being a nun makes you feel really good.
21:00I feel on my left hand.
21:03Look, pop her in the store.
21:05Come until she gets back the use of her legs.
21:08I can't have a sitting like this.
21:10Oh, dear.
21:13Oh, hi, Cynthia.
21:15Elizabeth, dear.
21:16About our little concert.
21:18I thought I'd begin with something classical.
21:21I think Emmett's already got a programme in mind.
21:25Oh, good.
21:25And then a selection from The Sound of Music.
21:27And finish with Annie Get Your Gun.
21:30I'm not sure that Emmett was quite thinking along those lines.
21:33Oh, he'll love it.
21:34Everybody loves my Annie Oakley.
21:36You better warn him.
21:39Tell him.
21:41Richard, how do I look, dear?
21:44I keep seeing you as a kind of recurring motif running through my early retirement.
21:50That's nice, dear.
21:51And the hat.
21:52How's the hat?
21:53Yes.
21:53That, too.
21:55Oh.
22:02She's gone.
22:03She's gone.
22:05She was here.
22:06She was heading this way.
22:07And now she's gone.
22:08And still there are people who refuse to believe in the power of prayer.
22:14And keep away from the ladies.
22:17With a gun.
22:21With a gun.
22:22With a gun.
22:23No, no, look.
22:23Support me.
22:24Louder.
22:25Pure forte.
22:26With a gun.
22:29Oh, no.
22:31It's too loud now.
22:33Pure piano.
22:33Pianissimo.
22:34more. Oh, you can't get a mill, a mill, a mill. Are you sure you're playing the night
22:42note? I suppose Irving knew what he was doing. If I went to battle with someone's herd of
22:57camel, let me stand. Have you lost your place again? If I went to battle with someone's herd of
23:12cab, keep it going faster. Look, you tell me he'd been certificated.
23:28Da Carpo, back to the beginning, please. Enough. That's it. I'm only flesh and blood. I can't
23:39take it any longer. Psst. What is it he can't take any longer? The chair. He's got the wrong
23:46size chair. He's very particular about his chair. It affects the style of his playing.
23:53Why don't you get another type of chair? Take a walk outside. Yes. Yes, I'll get another chair.
24:05Oh, shut up.
24:10I'm so sorry about the interruption, Hyacinth. Oh, no apology necessary. You don't have to
24:14explain to me about the little eruptions of the artistic temperament. I'm the first to
24:19understand about the artistic temperament. Richard was saying so only this morning to the Chinese
24:23ambassador. Rose! She was in the room with the chairs.
24:31Ah!
24:34I cut this down at once. This is no way to begin your vacation.
24:40The bucket woman. Ah! Look up. Look up. My sister's had a conversion. It's affected her profoundly.
24:50Why don't you play misty for me? Let's put her back in the cupboard again. She can meditate
24:56in there for a while. Has anyone seen my husband? He's wanted on the phone.
25:11Excuse me. Well, all right. I'm going to be a nun.
25:21Woo!
25:22Woo!
25:23Woo!
25:24Woo!
25:24Woo!