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00:02Stitch Up. It was a stitch up. They filmed hours of material and most of it is a good
00:12bloke doing a good job of work and the one time I accidentally headbutt an interviewee
00:19makes it to the programme, you're going to look a prat. You headbutt a girl on telly
00:24and you're labelled a prat and that's the game. And the BBC must have taken away about eight hours
00:30footage a day and they got it back and most of it was like, you know, oh look, here's a
00:34good guy.
00:35He's getting on. He's their friend as well as their boss. He's a motivator, an entertainer,
00:41lots of good stuff. Oh, he's made one mistake like any human would. Should we just cut that out?
00:44No, what? Put that bit in. Cut the other stuff out. We want to scapegoat. We want to dumb down.
00:49We want to give them the biggest plonker of the year. You know, I'm not a plonker.
01:21Yes. Gareth, it's the stuff for Nilsons here. You remember I'm going early tonight, don't you?
01:25Hmm? I'm going early.
01:28Oh, you said that was alright. Yes, you did, Gareth.
01:32Yep, there it is.
01:33Good. From side-paste.
01:34Yeah, then.
01:35And he's your office.
01:37Oliver!
01:42He's locked me in again. Oliver!
01:50Hello?
01:51Unlock it now. It's not funny.
01:52Alright, what if there was a fire?
01:54Sorry, who is this?
01:55Who do you think it is? Father Christmas. Open the door.
01:57Don't believe in you.
01:59Mel, if Gareth wrote...
02:00That'll be Gareth. Don't pick it up. Don't pick it up.
02:02Hello?
02:04Yeah.
02:04Say hi.
02:05What did he say?
02:07Listen, can I just say no?
02:09Can I have those keys? Because he wants me to let him out.
02:11I know, but I've just locked them in and it's going to be a bit of fun.
02:13Yeah, but he's asked me and I just...
02:15Yeah, I know, but there's no problem.
02:16Okay.
02:17There's not really a problem.
02:18It's all right.
02:26Here we are. Caught me in me, uh...
02:28My local fruit and veg, Emporium.
02:30Huh.
02:30You coming here, London?
02:32Big time.
02:32Need to stay healthy when you're on the road. Can't take chances.
02:35Um, although the only fruit I actually like is the bananas, isn't it, Paul?
02:38Yeah, and we all know what you do with them when you get them home, eh?
02:41Shove them up me.
02:42Okay.
02:42I'm not. He knows I'm not. He's just...
02:44Although, you know, Paul, fruit is very versatile, isn't it?
02:48Uh, you feeling cold, David?
02:50What?
02:50Feeling cold?
02:51Mine's shriveled.
02:53Look, he thinks we're mad.
02:56You all right?
02:57Yeah.
02:57Do I know you?
02:58Yeah, we're just doing a follow-up.
03:01To what?
03:01To the documentary that went out.
03:02I was just doing a...
03:03You were in a documentary?
03:04Yeah, yeah.
03:05Well, what was it?
03:06Come on.
03:08Are you that fat one from the airport?
03:09Obviously not.
03:11Wernham Hog.
03:12Wernham Hog?
03:13Yeah.
03:13What was it about?
03:14About me following me around at work, wasn't it?
03:16Not in the airport?
03:16No, forget the airport.
03:17Well, no, I don't recognise you.
03:18You do recognise me. You're on the right lines. You just can't...
03:21Are you famous?
03:23Pen is dropped.
03:24Can I have your order?
03:25Yeah.
03:25You got a pen?
03:26I got a pen.
03:29What's your name?
03:30David.
03:30Oh, from one David to another.
03:32Is your name David?
03:33Oh, for...
03:33Yes.
03:37He knows who I am.
03:42Is that sort of thing happening a lot?
03:44Getting recognised?
03:45Yeah.
03:45I mean, usually they know specifically who I am.
03:47He recognised me.
03:48He'd kick himself later.
03:49Is it ever a problem?
03:51Um, I mean, you always get the odd person who doesn't appreciate what you're doing, shout
03:56silly things, but...
03:58What sort of things?
04:00You beardy twat.
04:01Pug nose gimp.
04:03Lard boy.
04:04And I go, yeah, what have you ever done on telly?
04:06Nothing, so don't...
04:09Absolutely flabulous.
04:24I go, yeah.
04:45I've got a meeting with...
04:49Ray Howells, who's the building manager here at the Park Conference Centre.
04:54Are you a door-to-door salesman?
04:56No. I don't go cold calling.
05:00I try and sell people clothes pegs and dusters.
05:04I do sell dusters, but that's about 5% of what, you know, we do.
05:10That's bins.
05:11Floors, worktops, glass.
05:13Best till last, OK?
05:15Take one of these little fellas.
05:17I'm just going to dip it in there, like that.
05:19Oh, it's nearly dry, OK?
05:21All I'm going to do, just circular motion like that on the wall.
05:25And because of the texture and the quality of the chamois, that's coming off with tap water, OK?
05:29No solvents. Usually you run the risk of discolouring the paint.
05:31With this, I'm removing the stain job, not the paint job, OK?
05:36That's done. That's dry again. You can use that again.
05:39Fine. Seems fine.
05:40All right.
05:40Can I take a dozen of so to start with?
05:42Sold to that man.
05:44OK, yeah, sure. Start off like that and then let's see.
05:48Can I ask you something?
05:49Who does your tampons?
06:01Back again.
06:03Sure.
06:06A new dawn.
06:08She looks a bit...
06:10A younger model, though.
06:12I'm not a model.
06:14Not as bright as dawn, I think.
06:16Hiya.
06:17Hey.
06:18Hey, David.
06:18Hiya.
06:19What's up, mate?
06:19Tim.
06:20Timbo.
06:21Timbo.
06:23What's the crack? What's going down?
06:24Just the same old stuff, you know.
06:26Cromwell's still on your case.
06:27Oh, yeah, yeah.
06:28Remember what I said about Trevor.
06:29You can tell when he's lying.
06:30His lips move.
06:32See you later, man.
06:35Key, isn't he?
06:40Well, I bought that from Helford's.
06:42Oh, there he is.
06:45The fellow who nicked me job.
06:46Didn't nick it.
06:47No, didn't want it anymore.
06:48He did. He begged for it.
06:49I didn't.
06:50Shut up. What are you talking about?
06:51He's here more often now that he doesn't work here
06:52than he was when he did break here.
06:54Exaggerating.
06:55Always nice to see you.
06:56Well, it's nice for them to see me.
06:57That's why I pop in, so...
06:58Bit disruptive.
06:59Not disruptive.
06:59It's good for them, so it's good for the company,
07:01so it should be good for you.
07:02Learn that.
07:02Always nice to see you.
07:03It's always nice for them to see me.
07:04He's here an awful lot now, though.
07:05I am here an awful lot,
07:06but I never abstain my welcome, so...
07:08Perhaps you should call ahead.
07:09Not on a call ahead.
07:09You're not a doctor.
07:10When you're a doctor, I'm making an appointment.
07:13I only like you to be a doctor, but when I am...
07:15I don't think you are, no.
07:21I'm not going to call ahead.
07:22No point.
07:23Then I'll lock the door.
07:23Yeah, I'll still get in.
07:24Let's see.
07:28I should phone ahead.
07:29I'm not going to call ahead.
07:33I can only really give you ten minutes, David.
07:35Ten minutes?
07:36What do you mean?
07:37I'm busy.
07:38I'm busy.
07:38I did 60 hours last week.
07:40I know how many hours you do a week.
07:41You seem to forget that.
07:46I should phone ahead.
07:46I'm not going to call ahead.
07:49I did learn a lot from David.
07:50I learned from his mistakes.
07:53Okay, we're very different people.
07:56He used humour where I used discipline.
07:59And I learned that nobody respected him.
08:02And in a war situation,
08:03if you want your platoon to go over the top with you to certain death,
08:06it's no good saying to them,
08:07please come with me, lads.
08:09I'll tell you a joke.
08:11It's a direct order.
08:12Come with me.
08:13And they'll go,
08:14yes, he's got good leadership skills.
08:16Let's all go with him to our certain death.
08:19You know, and if...
08:20Also, if you're laughing in the jungle,
08:22you're going to give away your position to the enemy.
08:30Want me to send that?
08:32Oh, please, yeah.
08:33Okay.
08:34Want me to send it out as it is?
08:36Got your signature on it?
08:37Um, yeah.
08:39You happy with it?
08:40Seems fine.
08:42Yeah, fine.
08:42You're right.
08:43Because it is 2002.
08:45Oh, it's the wrong date.
08:47I'll change it.
08:48No, don't worry.
08:49I'll do it.
08:51Are you sure you wouldn't be happier over there
08:53with the rest of the finance department, though?
08:55No.
08:56Oh, God.
08:56I spent a week over there,
08:58whinging a lot.
08:58Right.
08:59And that big keese,
09:00he's grotesque, isn't he?
09:01Yeah.
09:01No, I didn't like it over there.
09:03I couldn't breeze, you know?
09:04No, I mean, I had to get out.
09:05I couldn't stand it.
09:06It's so confined,
09:07you know what I mean?
09:08And I needed a space.
09:10Is that more company?
09:11Is that more company now?
09:14Oh, yes.
09:14Oh, bless you.
09:18Oh, bless you.
09:19Oh, that's so clever.
09:22Good Lord.
09:23Good Lord.
09:25Oh.
09:26So, are you actually living here now?
09:29Oh, it's sort of complicated
09:31because I know this is a bit naughty
09:33and this won't go out over here, will it?
09:35Okay, right, well, we're being a bit naughty
09:36because you are sort of meant to go home
09:39after 90 days
09:40and we're sort of bending the rules a bit
09:42and having a sort of extended holiday.
09:44What are you doing for money?
09:46Um, sort of odds and ends, really.
09:49Just sort of cashing hand stuff
09:50for friends of Lee's sister
09:51and he's doing gardening and things.
09:54No.
09:55And I'm an official babysitter.
09:58This is Ryan.
09:59Is he in a way?
09:59This is Jackie's baby.
10:01And Jackie is, I assume.
10:03Oh, um, Jackie is Lee's sister
10:04and Gary is Jackie's husband.
10:06This is Dad's place.
10:08And we've been living here for how long?
10:10It's rent-free.
10:12Rent's your biggest expenditure normally.
10:13We're not paying any rent.
10:15Not paying rent, sir.
10:17The cost of living out here is so cheap.
10:19You can live on a pittance.
10:20In fact, our situation here
10:22is almost as good as it was in Slough, isn't it?
10:24Definitely.
10:26Definitely.
10:28Oh, no.
10:29I had feelings for Dawn, obviously.
10:33And I realise now that,
10:35well, we were really good friends
10:37and I misinterpreted that friendship for,
10:42you know, something.
10:43And that wasn't how she was feeling
10:46and it got a bit out of proportion in my mind, I guess.
10:50Um, and I really wish I hadn't done what I did.
10:54But I did.
10:56Um, but, you know, she's, she's cool.
10:59Lee's fine.
11:00Um, she said no to me.
11:02So, and they're fine, you know.
11:04So it's no harm done.
11:04It's all cool.
11:05And from what I hear,
11:07they're loving it out there, apparently.
11:08All right.
11:11Hmm.
11:14It's a little bit different now, though,
11:16because, um, Gareth is not a general manager as such,
11:19like I was when I was here.
11:20I was sort of omnipotent
11:22and, uh, is doing a much more watered-down version of the job.
11:25That was just because of your redundancy thing.
11:27They couldn't call the job the same thing
11:29and he sued them, so...
11:30Did you win?
11:31Oh, yes.
11:32Had to pay you off, didn't they?
11:34Yeah, out of court settlement,
11:35so quite a lot of money.
11:36Wasted most of it, though.
11:37I didn't waste it.
11:38Tell her what you spent it on.
11:41I released my own single.
11:42So if that's a waste of money...
11:44Well, it is a waste of money,
11:44because it didn't even get in the top 100.
11:46Good.
11:46Didn't want it to.
11:47Next.
11:49How much did that cost to put my single?
11:51Uh, costs is a bit misleading,
11:52because, um, I was paying for everything.
11:54I paid for the studio time,
11:55PR costs all myself.
11:57Roughly?
11:57How much do you think you spent it?
11:58Roughly.
11:58£42,000.
11:59Hmm.
12:01Uh, you know, that's,
12:02that's all outgoings, though.
12:03That's not taking into account
12:04the money I made from the singles sold.
12:06So, uh...
12:08How much did you make?
12:09Um, well, because I had my own record label,
12:11Juxtaposition Records.
12:13Um, I was taking the lion's share,
12:15so I was making a clear
12:15£1 profit for every single sold.
12:18How many records did you sell?
12:20Uh, 50, something like that,
12:22overall.
12:23Sorry?
12:23One hundred and fifty.
12:24One hundred and fifty.
12:25That was mainly to friends and family.
12:26No, it wasn't.
12:26And people we knew.
12:27And they were only buying them out of sympathy.
12:29Definitely not.
12:29So I used to...
12:30I bought five out of sympathy.
12:31No, you bought them for your mates.
12:32No.
12:33Uh, they're still in the garage.
12:37Why...
12:37If you don't know me by now
12:43You will never, never, never know me
12:49Ooh
12:53All the things
12:55That we've been through
13:01You should understand me
13:04Like I understand you
13:08Now, girl, I know the difference
13:12Between right and wrong
13:13Oh, I ain't gonna do nothing
13:19To break up our happy home
13:22Oh, I don't get so excited
13:26I get home a little late at night
13:29Cause we only act like children
13:33When we argue, fuss, and fight
13:35Ooh
13:36If you don't know me by now
13:41If you don't know me
13:43You will never, never, never know me
13:47Ooh
13:48No, you won't
13:50No
13:50If you don't know me by now
13:55If you don't know me
13:57You will never, never, never know me
14:01Ooh
14:03No, you won't
14:12Um, any calls, man?
14:13No
14:14Jennifer, how's it called?
14:14No
14:15You see all these white middle-class fuddy-duddies
14:18Going, oh, we've got to find the new equivalent
14:19They're looking in Oxford and Cambridge
14:20No
14:21Dr. Dre, yeah
14:22Ice-T
14:24They're the equivalent of Wordsworth
14:25The modern
14:26Hiya
14:26You all right?
14:27Yep
14:27You doing all right?
14:28Yeah
14:29I think I'm doing all right
14:30Ask these, they know what I'm doing
14:32I'm repping in the day
14:33You know how bloody much I like that
14:34And at night I was just explaining to them
14:36Doing me celebrity appearances
14:37Five hundred quid a time
14:39So, yeah, I'm doing all right
14:40Is that enough jobs for you?
14:41Great
14:43How are you doing all right?
14:44Good, thanks, yeah
14:44Good
14:46I hope you're not keeping them for no work
14:48No
14:48I think a little morale boost helps them work, doesn't it?
14:50I think they're loving it
14:51Look at their faces when I'm around, so
14:53Yes, I can see that
14:55Just don't over-excite them
14:57No, try not to
14:58See you later
14:59See you later
15:02Oh dear
15:03How's it going?
15:04I think he bloody knows full well how well it's going
15:07I'm lucky
15:15Do you resent me?
15:17The man or the boss?
15:18Neither
15:19Neither, next
15:21Do you miss being in the office environment?
15:24Erm, I am in the office environment
15:27If you've got a mobile phone
15:31You're in the office
15:32I can be in my office
15:34Yeah
15:35Bombing along at 70 miles an hour plus
15:3770 miles an hour tops
15:40Yeah
15:41And I can pull over safely
15:43I can make a phone call
15:44Hi
15:45Paula
15:45It's David
15:46Can you fax me over those important facts and figures please?
15:49ASAP
15:50You've got a fax machine in the car
15:52Ah, in the car
15:53If I get to somewhere that has
15:55To call her again
15:56Go, hi
15:56I'm here now
15:57Can you fax it now?
15:58I'm in the Ramada Inn, Reading
16:00Look it up
16:03That's...
16:06So...
16:12Okay, thank you for coming
16:14Three o'clock on the 14th, fortnightly management meeting
16:17Chair by myself, G Keenan
16:18We're headed to division present
16:20You've got your agendas
16:21Gath
16:21What?
16:21Can I just add something to the agenda, please?
16:23No, you know full well
16:24You cannot submit something to be discussed during the meeting
16:27It has to be submitted before
16:28Two o'clock
16:29So that it can be typed up onto the agenda
16:31Hello
16:31This is the agenda
16:32It has been typed up
16:32Right, so I got this information after two o'clock, mate
16:35There's no way I could possibly have got it in before
16:36I have to wait till next time
16:37How about I just tell you the information now
16:39It won't get on the agenda
16:40What if I just start telling you that Mike thinks that the quotes he's given us don't include VAT
16:45I did not officially hear that, alright? You know the rules
16:48Right, fine, okay, so I cannot possibly get this on the agenda?
16:52No
16:52There's no way I can get this on the agenda?
16:54No
16:54So what's point number seven on the agenda?
16:57Any other business
16:58Can I bring it up then?
16:59Yes
16:59I'll wait till then
17:02Right, enough of this unfoldery
17:06Were you embarrassed when Tom asked you out?
17:09Which time?
17:10Shut up
17:11Um, I didn't, to be honest, I didn't know what to say really, so
17:15Well, you did, you said no
17:16No, I mean, um, I was just, I was kind of mortified for Tim more than me
17:22And anyway, for God's sake, it's like a million miles away now
17:26And you don't feel
17:27Okay, um, can we not talk about it for Tim's sake? I don't want to hurt Tim's feelings
17:33Well, look, everyone saw it, right? So I'm banged her right
17:37I told Dawn how I felt and she, you know
17:41People are afraid, right, to show their emotions because they don't want their mates to take the piss out of
17:46them or whatever
17:46But luckily I have no mates
17:50So, um, actually when that bit went out on telly, I was watching it with my family and I was
17:55mortified, obviously
17:57And my grandmother said, uh, I'm not surprised she chose the other fella, I wouldn't kick him out of bed
18:02So Lee, um, if you're watching and you ever get bored of being with someone with her own teeth, Nana's
18:10up for it
18:11Is he in? Oh, hey, never mind all that
18:16Now you can start it, hey, hey, hey
18:18How you doing, boy?
18:19Oh, hi, there it is
18:21Yeah, not too bad, not too bad
18:22So, uh, how's life on the roll, Danny?
18:24Pretty good, pretty good, well, you should know, you know
18:26A few perks, aren't they?
18:27Really? What sort of perks?
18:30Use your imagination, young, free and single
18:32No chows
18:33What, girls?
18:34Well, don't be blatant about it, I'm not
18:36Is that what you meant?
18:37Well, don't try and work out if I'm guessing any or not, it's an innuendo, I don't want to
18:40Well, you know, so, uh, you should know, you know, well, you don't know, you're still up behind a desk,
18:44but
18:44Well, I wouldn't if I could now, anyway
18:46Why not?
18:47Well, I'm getting married
18:48Oh, yeah, I heard, congratulations, man
18:51Who too?
18:52Uh, her name's Rebecca, I've been going out about six years and just doing the honourable thing now
18:57When's the wedding?
18:58Uh, not till next year
19:00I'll be bloody married by then
19:02Me too
19:02Well, no, I'm saying, a year is a long time
19:04Are you dating anyone at the moment?
19:05Dating! Grandad
19:06Of course he's nuts
19:07Of course I am, I'm out all the time, I'm not just tied to one woman, not under the firm
19:10Picture of it
19:12Stuller, isn't she, eh?
19:13Ah, sexist
19:14Yeah
19:15I'd prefer someone a little bit more intellectual, but
19:18Well, she's a doctor
19:20You've never seen a girl like that before, have you?
19:22Well, not without a staple through her stomach, eh?
19:24Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no
19:28Degrade into a GP, so, well done, congratulations
19:31Thank you
19:33So, are you going to be bringing one of your dates to the Christmas party?
19:35Ah
19:35Are you bringing one of your chicks to the party?
19:38Yeah
19:38Yeah
19:38So you need two tickets then?
19:40Yeah
19:41Put me down for two, yeah, buy two, one free, one for me, one for definite woman with me, yeah
19:47Yeah
19:47Great
19:48Yeah, see you then, we're the lady
19:52Yeah
19:52Yeah
19:52I have girlfriends, you know, on and off, they come and go, in out, shake it all about
19:59When was the last time you had an actual girlfriend?
20:03I don't look at it as when, I look at it as who, and why, yeah, because it's sort of
20:08like, you know, a relationship's a heavy gig, so I've got to go, you know, if I'm growing up with
20:12a girl, who, why? Yeah, I see it that if I'm having fun with a girlfriend, or a girl stroke
20:18friend, whatever you want to label them, it's got to be, oh that was fun, good, can we do it
20:23again tomorrow David? Can't tomorrow? Doing something else? Well what are you doing? Back off, yeah, ask me no questions,
20:29I'll tell you no lies
20:30So you're not looking for a relationship?
20:33I'm not shopping for a relationship, er, browsing, looking around, if I see a bargain, I've got the money, so,
20:39that's very much a, that's a metaphor, I'd never pay for it
20:54Mumbo Jumbos, oh, smell the snail beer, I love it, here he is, Mumbo Jumbos, oh, surprise TV personality, they
21:04haven't put, it's me playing here, which is annoying, so my fan base won't know, I'm on, oh, here he
21:09is, I'd like to complain about this poster please
21:12Peter, my agent, he runs the agency that's taking me on, doing all the PAs and stuff
21:18What sort of agency is it?
21:22A bit of everything really, erm, erm, I don't know what sort of stuff you do, all the things, well
21:29we have, we have, we have celebrities, like David, erm, we have bands
21:35Tribute acts, all cover books, there, tribute bands, um, yeah, and, er, and looky likeys
21:41Yeah, erm, got some good, do you know what looky likeys you've got, he's got all the stars
21:46I've got Kirk Douglas
21:47Michael Douglas
21:47Michael Douglas, he's, er, his son
21:49Yeah, looks like him
21:50Yeah, he does, he does, he looks just like him
21:53And what does he do?
21:56Er, well, yeah, just, just sort of turn up at a party
22:00Hire him
22:00Yeah, and he'll, he'll, he'll just wander around looking like, erm, well, yeah, like Michael Douglas
22:07Erm, actually I'm, I'm thinking of, of, erm, at the moment I'm thinking of, of getting a, a Catherine Zeta
22:12-Jones
22:12Good idea
22:12Really, cos, er, a lot of people don't realise who he is
22:16They, they just think he's some old bloke at a party
22:20I've, have you got any lookalikes of me, so I don't have to turn up to these things
22:24No, you know we're near famous enough to have a look at that
22:26No, no, don't you
22:28You're meant to big me up, sort of
22:32I have been given an opportunity that would literally be a sin to waste, so build on it, yeah
22:38They took a normal guy, and they said, let's see what the nation thinks of him
22:42And the nation seems to be saying, yeah, what else you got?
22:46So, duty calls, you know, I seem to be able to give pleasure
22:53It's two minutes to 1am
22:56That's right, folks, she's in the house
22:58Sarah Watmore is in the house
23:02One of the pop stars, Rejects
23:04She's got a new single coming out soon, gonna perform that live in about 20 minutes
23:07And let me tell you, lads, she is looking hot
23:19Alright, before that, we've got a special trick
23:20You might recognise this guy from the BBC2 documentary, The Office
23:24Some of you might even have bought his single recently
23:27Though probably not, because it got to about number 400
23:28But let's give him a big mumbo-jumbos welcome
23:31It's David Brent
23:33Good to see you
23:34Got to 113
23:37Nice to see you
23:38What are you up to at the moment, David?
23:39Just doing this at the moment
23:41No, not just now
23:41Generally, you've got loads going on, haven't you?
23:43Yeah, yeah, yeah, doing more of these
23:45Doing my walks for Mencap, which is important to me
23:47And also, you know, I've got lots of stuff in the pipeline
23:51What sort of stuff in the pipeline?
23:53Oh, even more of these
23:56Opportunities, really
23:57Great
23:58Great, great, great
23:58And what are you doing for us this evening?
24:00Huh?
24:01What have you got planned?
24:02No, he just said, come out, say hello
24:05That's it, is it?
24:05Yeah
24:07Let's give him a big hand
24:07David Brent
24:08Feel it hot, hot, hot
24:12Feel it ha, ha, ha
24:14Feel it ha, ha, ha
24:28Someone who shall remain nameless
24:30Has persuaded yours truly to...
24:33It's a bit of a laugh, really
24:35Dating service, online dating
24:36I'm going along with it, but, you know
24:38Try anything once
24:40Variety is the spice of life
24:41And all that
24:42Living la vida loca
24:44La dolce vita
24:46Foulez-vous coucher avec moi?
24:48You know what that means?
24:49Would you go to bed with me?
24:51I hope no French women apply now
24:52I hope they do, I love French women
24:53Yeah, I'm joking
24:55I'd do most
24:57Nationales
24:58Okay, your personal details
25:00Liberal
25:00Your physique
25:01Would you say you are slim, average, well-built, heavily built
25:05Well-built
25:07Well-built
25:07Yeah?
25:09Yeah
25:10Most of it's muscle, innit?
25:11Yeah
25:12Ain't it?
25:13Okay
25:16Has Neil got a date for the wedding or is he just...
25:20Yes, September
25:21September
25:21Could be good
25:23Might rain
25:25Could be a washout
25:26Hope not, hope not
25:28How would you describe your looks?
25:29Very attractive, attractive, average
25:33You can't put very attractive, it looks like arrogance, doesn't it?
25:36So, put attractive
25:38Just assuming
25:39Okay, occupation
25:41And it's just me and my little boy
25:42And, you know, sort of Andrew, that's it, that's it, that's all I care about
25:45Nothing getting in the way
25:47Mind you, I usually get in my own way
25:49Did I tell you this?
25:51We went to that Euro Disney
25:52In...
25:54In Paris
25:55In Paris
25:56And there's a ride my son wanted to go on
25:58The, um, Space Mountain
25:59And, um, it's a 40 minute, um, wait for the ride to go on the ride
26:03So, I said to my husband's, um...
26:08Andrew
26:10I said, Andrew, there is no way I am waiting for 40 minutes to go on, um...
26:16Space Mountain
26:17Space Mountain
26:18There is no way I am queuing for 40 minutes to go on a ride
26:22So, I went up to the bloke who's supervising it, you know, this French bloke
26:26Full of...
26:27And I said to him, he spoke perfect English
26:29And I said to him, I said, listen
26:32I said, I'm with a young lad, and he is sick
26:36Didn't have to say anything else
26:38We read between the lines
26:40You thought he was terminally ill?
26:42I didn't say that
26:43But we went right in the front of the queue
26:46Brilliant, well done
26:47Good thing about that, of course, is there probably were sick kids in the queue and you went straight past
26:50them
26:51Well, I don't know
26:53There's no way I'm waiting for 40 minutes to go on a ride
26:55Why should you?
26:56Why should you?
26:56Yeah, I'll tell you what though
26:59Your interests
27:00Pubs
27:01Guilty
27:02Sports
27:03Yeah
27:04What sports did you play?
27:05Squash
27:05I played you at squash, you're rubbish
27:06Well, I'm not enough to play, am I? I just put...
27:08Cooking, you like cooking?
27:10Don't put that though
27:11Why?
27:11Start off on the wrong foot
27:12Under the thumb, cooking all my life
27:16Watching TV?
27:16Yeah, put documentaries
27:18Can't specify
27:18Type it in
27:20Mixing with friends?
27:21Yeah, loads, put loads
27:22Travelling?
27:23Yeah
27:24When was the last time you went travelling?
27:25I travel, boy
27:26Where have you been travelling?
27:27Hull
27:28It's hardly travelling
27:29Oh, isn't it? How did I get there then?
27:31Did it come to me?
27:32Oh, here comes Hull down the motorway in a car
27:35So arrogant now
27:36Just...
27:36I just speak my mind these days
27:37You're lippy
27:38I'm an executive now
27:39Will you jump in my grave so quickly?
27:44Come on
27:52Yeah, and you know
27:53You get bored with each other
27:55If you're not careful
27:56Sure
27:56And so
27:58Andrew's mum
27:58Bought us a Kama Sutra
28:00And a sort of massage pack
28:02Sort of
28:03And I think the one
28:06We conceived with
28:07Was the one where
28:08Right
28:10Andrew's laid out
28:11And I squat over him
28:12I lower down
28:13And he enters me
28:14And I put my full weight on it
28:16And...
28:16Do you know what I mean?
28:18We are like that
28:19And he's right up inside me
28:21Because of the weight
28:21And I simply rock on him
28:24Which enables deeper penetration
28:26Which stimulates him and me
28:27And I can do a lot when I'm there
28:29I can get really, really low, you know
28:32And I've got the strength in my legs
28:33And I can feel the support
28:35And he's hitting
28:35You know, hitting it right there
28:37And that's it
28:38Bingo
28:38And we're away
28:52Do us a favour, shut it up, will you?
28:53How am I supposed to do that?
28:57Will you get a chance to get back to Slough this year
28:59To see your friends and workmates
29:02Uh...
29:02Yeah, no
29:03Definitely not
29:04Why's that?
29:06Um, well
29:07For a start
29:08It costs three months' wages
29:09To go over there
29:10And what we own
29:11What if we were able to
29:13Arrange for you to go back?
29:15For a million reasons we can't go
29:16What do you mean arranging?
29:18Well, if we were able to take care of everything
29:20Would you want to go back?
29:21Yeah, of course
29:22Just talk about it first
29:23Is that a genuine offer?
29:27Alright, her details
29:28Her marital status
29:30Single, divorced
29:31Not divorced
29:32No
29:33Husband might still be around
29:34Might be a nutter
29:35I'm not getting into all that
29:36Widowed?
29:37I'd bloody love her to be widowed
29:39Okay
29:41Minimum age required?
29:4325
29:43I don't think you should go out with a 25 year old
29:46Why not?
29:47Age difference, too much
29:48No, not too much
29:49Well, 20 years is too much
29:5020 years?
29:5110?
29:52I'm not 45, Gareth
29:54No
29:55No
29:55Are you blind?
29:57I thought because of the
29:59Jowls, you know
30:00Jowls, look at who's
30:01Look at pokey-nosed boy
30:02Pinocchio man
30:03Have that shaman's eye out with at you
30:07I'll send that, shall I?
30:09What age did you put?
30:10Er, it's already sent
30:11What age did you put?
30:1245
30:13I can't believe it
30:1445
30:17She will think she's going to be happy when she comes in and sees you looking like this
30:20She's not going to call if she's 25
30:22I don't think you've ever had a chance with a 25 year old
30:35Okay, Christmas party ideas is what I'm looking for
30:37Um, should we just blue sky it for a minute?
30:39Blue sky?
30:40Yeah, let's do that Gareth
30:41Yeah, let's fly it up the flag pole and see if the cat sucks you off
30:44Any ideas are welcome
30:45Um, so, your party, what do you want to see there? Brainstorm, let's go
30:50Er, buffet?
30:52Sort of goes without saying
30:53Er, disco
30:54Okay, I like it
30:57Girls
30:58What do you mean?
31:00Invite girls
31:01Girls will be coming
31:02Not the girls at work here
31:04Other girls, pretty girls
31:07Do you want us to be able to buy some prostitutes, Keith?
31:09I shouldn't cost you anything
31:11He's putting that down
31:12Er, anything else?
31:15Secret Santa
31:15Yes, yes, I like it
31:16Dancing competition
31:17Dance comp
31:18What about something for the old people?
31:21Something for the old people, of course
31:23Well, what are you putting there? You can't put something what?
31:27Well, I don't know
31:28Yeah, but we have to decide
31:29We can't just put something for the old people
31:30You know, like what?
31:31Werther's originals?
31:32A phone call from your son?
31:33What?
31:33Anything else?
31:34Wet t-shirt competition
31:35Keith, we cannot have a wet t-shirt
31:36He's writing that down as well
31:37Is that something for the old people, Gareth?
31:39No, definitely not
31:39That's a good point, actually
31:40No OAPs in wet t-shirts
31:42Sir, the wet t-shirt competition's going ahead
31:44Look, it's a democracy, right?
31:46That's the point
31:46Everyone can get their ideas on the piece of paper
31:48Gareth, Gareth, Gareth
31:49We cannot have a wet t-shirt competition
31:50You can't
31:51Just need a bucket
31:53And a t-shirt
31:55Thank you
31:56There is going to be a couple of blasts from the past
31:58At this Christmas party
32:00Pete Gibbons and his wife Cheryl will be here
32:02Nice to see them
32:05Geoff Lamp might be popping in
32:07Brilliant
32:08And also
32:09Dawn Tinsley and Lee
32:11Will be
32:12Are they?
32:13Yeah, a flying visit
32:14They'll be popping in
32:19Yeah, that was a bit of a shock
32:21To be honest
32:23I suppose I thought
32:25Out of sight
32:26Out of mind
32:27Or whatever
32:27And that I'd got her out of my
32:29System
32:30But
32:31Yeah, when I heard she was
32:32Coming back
32:35I don't know what can I say
32:36My stomach just sort of
32:37You know
32:40At first
32:40I thought it was embarrassment
32:42And then
32:43It
32:44It's the thought of
32:46Seeing her
32:47Or whatever
32:47So
32:48There's
32:49There's obviously something still there
32:51Erm
32:53But
32:54I'm not going to ask her again
32:55Obviously
32:56You know
32:56But
32:58She'd have to ask me
32:59You know
32:59If she asked me
33:02That's
33:03That's not going to happen
33:10I don't
33:10I don't
33:10We were
33:11About whether or not to go home for Christmas
33:13Because you know
33:13It's going to be 75 degrees in Florida
33:16And
33:16Then we found out
33:18That
33:18Erm
33:18In Slough
33:19It's going to be drizzly
33:21So you know
33:22That's the wrong thing for isn't it
33:26Couldn't resist that
33:43From Big Brother.
33:44That is Bubble!
33:46Bubble!
33:50Yes!
33:53Okay, here we go.
33:55Are you ready for Sexy Bachelor number two?
33:58Yeah!
34:00Well, as the star of that BBC Two documentary series, The Office, he's the boss from hell.
34:04He's looking for love and a job.
34:05He's all the way from Slough.
34:06Give it up, everybody, for David Brandt!
34:09Hi.
34:10Come on.
34:12What?
34:14I'm not looking for a job.
34:15I don't know.
34:17Just like the same to say, David.
34:18Yeah, brilliant.
34:19We'll plug it in.
34:20Right, here we go.
34:21Are you ready for Sexy Bachelor number three?
34:23Yay!
34:25You've seen him on the television.
34:27He's the star of the Halifax adverts.
34:28Give it up.
34:29Yeah.
34:30It's Howard Brown!
34:34Hey, Howard.
34:35Hi.
34:35How are you?
34:35You all right?
34:36I'm fine.
34:37Who gives you extra?
34:40Who gives you extra?
34:41Fantastic.
34:42That's fantastic.
34:42Yeah, they love you, don't they?
34:43Fantastic.
34:44Yeah, you've got a few in tonight.
34:45Well brought.
34:45I'm not just chasing fame per se.
34:48People like to see fame as people, and it annoys me when people have a go at celebrities.
34:54Like, poor Noel Edmonds.
34:57People going, oh, what's he doing going around hospital wards at Christmas giving out presents
35:02to children?
35:02You know?
35:03Oh, he's doing it for himself, and he's not doing it for himself.
35:07He's doing it for them.
35:09He's not doing it at all anymore.
35:11He can't go on telly for love nor money, but when he was doing it, he was doing it for
35:14them.
35:15You know?
35:16What's up with it?
35:17You go to...
35:18Look, people like to see famous people.
35:20You go to a little town in Wales.
35:22You turn up in Lampeter with Richard Blackwood on your arm, and you go, hi everybody.
35:27Little surprise for you.
35:28Richard Blackwood.
35:29They're going to go, what are you doing here?
35:32And not in a racist way.
35:34They're happy to see him.
35:35He's welcome, because he's famous.
35:37Now it's time to meet our contestant.
35:39Remember, she has no idea who our three lucky celebrities are.
35:42So, please, whatever you do, don't spoil it.
35:43Don't say anything.
35:44Just put your hands together and give a nice big round of applause for our Kim.
35:55I like you.
35:57Are you alright?
35:57Yeah!
36:00Woo!
36:02We've got a right little raver here tonight.
36:04Okay, what's question number one?
36:05What have you got?
36:06Who's it to, Kim?
36:07This is for number one.
36:09People who know me know that my passion in life is dancing!
36:16What is your passion?
36:19My passion in life is football!
36:20Yeah!
36:22Yeah!
36:22Now I'm a Chelsea fan.
36:23Any Chelsea boys here?
36:24Yeah!
36:26Well, I hope you're a West Ham fan, love.
36:28Because after tonight, you will be forever blowing bubbles!
36:33That doesn't work.
36:34That doesn't work.
36:35Doesn't work.
36:35Because the song's blowing bubbles.
36:37At least...
36:38Huh?
36:38Yeah, I know you're doing blowjobs, but...
36:43Sexist.
36:47Question two, Kim.
36:48Come on.
36:49Contestant number two.
36:51Everyone thinks...
36:52Schiagadelic baby!
36:53Groovy!
36:54Oh yeah!
36:57What was that shit?
36:58Well, don't judge it.
36:59Don't...
36:59Like...
37:00Come on.
37:01Let's just have the question.
37:02Come on, Kim.
37:03Everyone thinks the character I most resemble is Pussy Galore.
37:08Which character do you resemble?
37:09Austin Powers.
37:10That's what I was doing.
37:12We...
37:13Ruined it.
37:16Austin Powers.
37:20Hey, Kim.
37:21Your final question.
37:23Okay, Kim.
37:24It's time to meet the two that you turned down.
37:25You turned down contestant number one from Big Brother.
37:28That is...
37:29Bubble!
37:33Hey.
37:40You've lost him.
37:41Did you like him?
37:41Did you like him?
37:42Yeah, well, you've lost him, I'm afraid.
37:44You also turned down contestant number two from The Office.
37:46That is, of course, David Brent!
37:48Hey!
37:48Hey!
37:53Who the fuck's that?
37:54Who are you?
37:56What have you been on before?
37:58Nothing, so don't...
37:59Wanker.
37:59You're the wanker, mate, if anyone is.
38:10Who do you think that went?
38:11From my point of view, yeah.
38:12Brilliant.
38:13Money...
38:15Money for old Rove, you know.
38:16But, um, you saw how many idiots are out there paying eight quid each.
38:19So, uh, call me a wanker.
38:20They're the wanker.
38:21No, uh, I'm just taking the money.
38:24No, uh...
38:24They haven't even been on the telly.
38:26Do you know what I mean?
38:28Never worked with amateurs.
38:29Learned my lesson.
38:30Don't know what they're doing.
38:30What?
38:31So, uh...
38:31What are you saying?
38:32I'm saying that we knew the answers, so I'm reading that and I'm doing my bit.
38:36And then she starts going, what was that shit?
38:39What was that shit?
38:39What was your shit?
38:40Come on, mate.
38:41It's only a bit of fun.
38:42Yeah?
38:42If I want advice off you, mate, it'll be about mortgages.
38:45So, uh...
38:45Yeah.
38:47Right, can I retaliate?
38:48I can't hit a woman, but I can certainly tell you.
38:50Can I have some beer, please?
38:52Thank you very much.
38:54Do you like it?
38:54Ooh, so I'll put that on you.
38:56Brilliant.
38:57Twice.
38:58I was already wet, so the joke's on out.
39:03Prick.
39:04Tart.
39:05Oh, my goodness.
39:15You should get that dry clean before you take it back, huh?
39:20I'll take your deposit otherwise...
39:22Yeah.
39:22Do you reckon that tamper tosset, if it's ripped?
39:24A little bit ripped?
39:24Do you reckon they'll crack it if it's a little bit...fucking ripped?
39:29You're cracking.
39:37Do you want another beer?
39:39Was that my beer?
39:40Yeah.
39:41What?
39:41Do you want me to get the other beer?
39:42Yes!
39:46I've already got a tariff.
39:47Are you ever going to change?
39:48Take it out like that!