- 14 hours ago
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00:20I'm going to have to tell Arf Hyacinth.
00:22Oh, God, not tonight.
00:24Tomorrow morning, I couldn't face Hyacinth.
00:26Not tonight.
00:28Now, ladies.
00:38You're new.
00:40Only around here, lady.
00:42Have you nothing for this address?
00:43Sorry.
00:44I'd be greatly obliged if you'd make quite sure.
00:50There's usually something for a Mrs. Richard bouquet.
00:54How do you spell bouquet?
00:56B-U-C-K-E-T.
01:00B-U-C-K-E-T.
01:05Oh, bucket.
01:08It's bouquet.
01:10Well, I'm sorry, lady.
01:11There's nothing here for bouquet.
01:14Nothing for this address.
01:16And yet you have something for next door.
01:18I find that very strange.
01:19I can't help that lady.
01:21But people will tell you.
01:23It's common knowledge I receive more mail than these next door.
01:29There must be a card from my sister in Tenerife.
01:32She's back home, of course, but we're still waiting for the card.
01:36Anything wrong, Hyacinth?
01:38He's mislaid my letters at the sorting office.
01:41This would never have happened with my former postman.
01:46You will remember, Elizabeth, that you're invited this evening to my candlelight supper.
01:51It's engraved on my mind, Hyacinth.
01:55Telephone, dear.
01:56You want it on the phone.
01:57I think it's urgent.
01:59I'm not offering an opinion.
02:00That's what she said.
02:01Urgent.
02:02Just don't shout in that excitable manner outdoors, Richard.
02:05I don't like you getting excited outdoors.
02:12Morning, Major.
02:14By God, woman.
02:16You can drive a mad mad looking so attractive so early in the day.
02:22Major.
02:24You'll not forget my little candlelight supper this evening.
02:291930 hours.
02:30I'll be there, you minx.
02:33You can always tell, breeding.
02:39The phone, Hyacinth, I think it's urgent.
02:42It's about your father.
02:48We're going to have to emulsion this ceiling.
02:50We've just done it.
02:51It's not a fit ceiling to bring a major under.
02:54It's a sister daisy.
02:56She's not coming, is she?
02:58Not in that awful coat.
02:59And he's not bringing it.
03:01Not in that rust bucket of a car.
03:03I will not have them, but...
03:04I think it's urgent.
03:05It's so thoughtless to look as poor as they do.
03:09Daisy, how are you, dear?
03:11Daddy, ill?
03:12How ill?
03:13Is it of a severity necessary to cancel my candlelight supper?
03:19What was he doing at his age on a bicycle?
03:23Oh, my God.
03:26How much to drink?
03:29Yes, Hyacinth.
03:32What did she say?
03:34She says not to go over to her place.
03:36She's coming here.
03:37Oh, that's all we need, a royal visit.
03:41I was hoping she'd go straight to the hospital.
03:44They won't let anybody in till visiting time.
03:47Don't you remember when I was in, having that breakdown on account of Mr. Crabtree?
03:53What ever happened to Mr. Crabtree?
03:57I swore I'd never see him again.
03:59And for a while, I cut it back ruthlessly to every other Tuesday.
04:04Does Boris know about you still seeing Mr. Crabtree?
04:08Of course he doesn't know.
04:09Do you think I'm stupid?
04:10I don't know how you keep the pace, R-O's.
04:13It's not easy.
04:15If you relax for a minute, they're going back to their wives.
04:20I envy you, our Daisy.
04:23Me?
04:24It must be wonderful being married to a bum like you're on slope.
04:29So you can let yourself go completely.
04:32I wouldn't say completely.
04:35Nearly enough completely.
04:38Get a shirt on, Onslow.
04:41Hyacinth's coming.
04:43Oh, nice.
04:45She's going to want to know exactly what happened.
04:49You'll have to tell her.
04:50I don't see why I should have to tell her.
04:53You'll have to tell her because I'll be too busy tidying up.
04:59I hate tidying up.
05:01I'm under the doctor for being dizzy.
05:03I'm sure it's tidying up.
05:06If you only got dizzy when you tidied up,
05:09you should have the clearest head in the area.
05:21I don't see why I should have the clearest head in the area.
05:38I don't see why I should have the clearest head in the area.
05:40However, I'm game if you are, if you want to block the road.
05:43It's just that I wish you would consult me, Richard.
05:45I don't like him making decisions unilaterally.
05:57Would you like me to lock the car?
06:00Oh.
06:01I think so, don't you?
06:04We're practically in Beirut.
06:11Onslow.
06:14Dickie.
06:16Hi, Sif.
06:18Why do you let him call you Dickie?
06:21How can I help it if he calls me Dickie?
06:33Queen Mulder's outside.
06:49Give us a hand, O'Rose.
06:51I'm expecting a call.
06:53I gave Boris this number the swine quality ring.
07:09Leave it, leave it.
07:21Ah, ah.
07:22Ah, ah.
07:22Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
07:31Richard!
07:32Now what?
07:33You shouldn't be stretching your legs like that at your age.
07:36If you are getting in broad daylight in front of prying eyes.
07:59Here we are, then.
08:17Drink up!
08:19Tell me what happened.
08:26Dad's not been well lately.
08:29Why wasn't I informed?
08:32It's not been the kind of not well you'd want to be informed about.
08:37What kind has it been?
08:44It's a bit embarrassing, really.
08:46Embarrassing?
08:47Daddy?
08:47He's a dirty old man.
08:49Shut up, don't you?
08:51Go and keep an eye on the car.
08:54I think I'll go and keep an eye on the car.
08:59What does Artzo mean?
09:02He means Dad's taken to going out at night on his own lately.
09:07In the Nuddy.
09:08In the Nuddy.
09:15But why would Father be in the nude?
09:18He's in love with the Milk Woman.
09:19Don't be so ridiculous.
09:21You'd have thought so if you'd have seen him pedaling after us, stark naked on his bike.
09:27He chased her for a mile down by the canal.
09:30But the Milk Woman doesn't go anywhere near the canal, does she?
09:33She did last night.
09:35He caught her on her way to bingo.
09:37Well, you know how fond he is of dairy products.
09:41I expect he wanted to order extra cream.
10:02Why would your father have been naked?
10:05I don't believe it.
10:07And keep your voice down.
10:09That's fair enough with his clothes on.
10:12Daddy would never be naked.
10:14Why would Daddy be naked when he's got his name down for a nice old person's bungalow?
10:27How are you feeling, Mr. Oxley?
10:34Better than him.
10:37Daddy.
10:38I'm afraid he won't be aware of very much Mrs. Bucket.
10:41Okay.
10:43He's quite comfortable but heavily sedated.
10:45Oh, Daddy.
10:48Should he be at a ward with a person who wears his hat in bed?
10:52I'll leave you with your father.
10:54Doctor, what condition was my father in when he was admitted?
10:58Drunk as a skunk.
11:02I expect he was flushed from excessive cycling.
11:07Can you describe what he was wearing, Doctor?
11:09Very quickly.
11:10Very little, really.
11:12To be honest, nothing at all.
11:16There must be some mistake.
11:17Yes, that's what I thought.
11:19It was quite a chilly evening.
11:21He'd been in the canal.
11:23He was that blustered, he wobbled off into the canal.
11:27Well, that explains it.
11:29My father was cycling along the canal when he saw someone in distress,
11:33so he removed his outer garments and dived in to save them.
11:36Oh, brave Daddy.
11:41Very commendable.
11:43He must have removed more than his outer garments, Mrs Bucket.
11:46Okay.
11:48When it was pulled out, he was absolutely naked.
11:52Pollution?
11:53I mean, what he'd been wearing was obviously dissolved by the pollution.
11:57If you'll excuse me, I must attend to my other patient.
11:59Why is he sedated after such a plucky act?
12:02Well, he was highly excited and then, of course, there was the injury.
12:06From the milk bottle.
12:08Where is the injury?
12:10You may tell me the worst.
12:11I demand to be shown the extent of his injuries.
12:17Very well.
12:18Well, we'll go.
12:25Well...
12:31Where is the injury?
12:34Never you mind.
12:53how are things i'm too distressed at the moment elizabeth my father is recovering
13:00from injuries sustained in the course of a very plucky action which he modestly forbids me to
13:05discuss well is there anything i just give me time to recover my composure and then come and
13:12take tea with me at 325. 325 not 27 oh it's you elizabeth a tiny bit early perhaps but do
13:34come in
13:36i thought it was 325 not quite dear my watch is 325 oh that watch yes i expect it would
13:44shall we go through to the kitchen i don't know why you won't let me through your back door
13:51i think it's so common don't you using back doors no the proper way for my guests i always feel
13:57is through the front door and then straight into the kitchen well yes unless of course it's someone
14:03special now i know you're saying to yourself how is she being so brave well yes i am brave my
14:11father
14:11would wish it i admit i miss my sheridan at times like these he's such a comfort to his mother
14:17as
14:17well as being terribly gifted do sit down elizabeth make yourself at home oh not there dear i like to
14:22face
14:36my word doesn't someone look smarter than she did earlier something new dear no no i've had it ages
14:45oh yes i can see you have now i thought we'd have the nicer china oh thank you hyacinth there's
14:53something of a family heirloom oh god don't get me anything special so you will be careful won't you
15:01biscuit well thank you
15:06i used to have six of these until one fell into the hands of my brother-in-law onslow one
15:11christmas
15:11i could have killed him of course one can't make a fuss on festive occasions but he's certainly got
15:17the short end of the turkey i can tell you did they tell you what was wrong with your father
15:26something mildly embarrassing one of those minor geriatric complaints i couldn't catch the medical
15:31terminology
15:41no you cannot have a number 24 nor a double portion of 37 this isn't the chinese takeaway
15:48this is a private slimline white telephone with no connection whatsoever to any business or trade
15:55especially not one of foreign extraction
16:00oh hyacinth i'm so sorry now do stop worrying dear we're not going to fall out over a cup of
16:06saucer even a very old irreplaceable cup of saucer oh it won't happen to me now believe me i do
16:13understand it can't be easy to be dainty when you're all thumbs there i think that will do until i
16:20can afford
16:20a little more time oh dear we're not going to worry anymore about a bit of expensive carpet and the
16:26cup that's been around for ages which reminds me did it soil your dress dear no no surprising it didn't
16:33turn fine oh that's amazing would you like another cup of earl grey no thank you in a beaker perhaps
16:40nope
16:40nothing thank you no well it's all over now all over everywhere do sit down again elizabeth
16:49have you heard from gail recently
16:53yes she rang at the weekend that's nice i think a daughter always sure
16:58oh gail's very good that way so is my sheridan
17:02i tremble to think sometimes of what he spends on phone calls to his mother
17:06not that he can't afford it of course they gave him a very good grant to the poly you know
17:11to stop
17:11him being tempted by oxford or cambridge
17:16gail studying hard well it's a struggle isn't it when they're not academically gifted
17:23our gail is academically gifted is she i wonder who i can be confusing her with
17:29perhaps it's that boy she's living so openly and unashamedly unmarried with
17:35i hardly think so harold is a very nice boy with a first-class brain is he yes he is
17:41hyacinth i can
17:42assure you well you'd never know to look at him would you i hope that's not daddy going septic
17:56the bouquet residence the lady of the house speaking oh it's you violet it's my sister violet the one
18:04who married the turf accountant he built that big house with room for a sauna and a pony
18:08you can tell me speak about violet frequently
18:13slow down violet dear you sound very excited i know it's been a shock about daddy well what are you
18:20excited about
18:22violet that's not a word i ever expected to hear you use on the telephone
18:28what about bruce
18:32i don't oh well i've never liked him wholeheartedly on account of those ice cubes he serves in the
18:40shape of naked ladies why shouldn't he buy a whip i expect he got it from a jockey
18:47what does he use it for
18:51that violet would you ring back dear no no all right all right i'll stay on the phone
18:59look hold on there's a person at the front door elizabeth would you see to that for me dear
19:05kindly inform whoever it is that i am at home and that i will receive them momentarily
19:12no dear it's elizabeth from next door that's right the one who's all thumbs
19:20well you met her once at one of my candlelight suppers
19:25what do you mean you couldn't see anybody
19:29well she's fine she's just broken one of grandmother's cups
19:34it's a security latch there's a little button richard had it installed to protect me from anyone
19:41desperate
19:43there would have to be
19:48ah electric have you been next door uh yes there's nobody in i know i'm here oh well i've
19:53left you a card oh it's the electric man to read your meter is it the one with the funny
19:59mustache
20:02tell her yes he says yes well make him wait there till i've looked at his feet
20:09look violet i have to go dear i've got the electric
20:18i'm so sorry i've been thinking about my sister she seems to have had a rather active holiday
20:23oh the shoes you've remembered our procedure from last time very well
20:30well leave them outside and do come in thank you dear
20:36i've made improvement on the one i had before
20:40he used to brush against my walls of course i rang his superiors i told them i said i
20:44will not have electric men brushing against my walls
20:49elizabeth close the door dear the heat's on
20:51oh fingers
20:59eight three two one
21:13is your electric as clean as it was do you think my pots are sometimes very difficult to clean
21:18cleanest fuel there is but it goes to some very funny families would you have mine checked to make
21:24quite sure i get it first leave it with me leave it because i won't have it if it's already
21:29been to some of those other
21:46places
21:47shouldn't that be its only idea
21:50especially when you're shouting at where the neighbors can hear i'm i'm not sure
21:53well neither am i so you must be careful how's your father i rang the ward sister answered
22:00she says he's sitting up and beginning to take an interest oh that's good in the physiotherapist
22:07he thinks he's in love with the physiotherapist it's probably just the drugs and that swine
22:14bruce wants my sister to wear some awful leather outfit
22:18you're going to take a motorcycling no it's not motorcycling it's something he picked up in spain
22:26bullfighting no it's that either anyway dear enough of my problems did you manage to get my parsley
22:31yes in the kitchen and you'll never guess who i bumped into good would you polish those glasses for
22:37yes and then give me a hand with buffing up the cruet
22:48sheridan how sensitive of you to call dear what a close psychic link we have you and i
22:53what does he want i don't know that he wants anything he's just ringing his mother
22:59you need how much sheridan for what you've joined an organization well that's nice dear making
23:07friends what kind of an organization is it like a club a golf club not a golf club i see
23:14just a group
23:15of friends you call yourselves what dear the sword of the people now do be careful
23:22sheridan make sure they're not too sharp and always wear a mask you do wear masks oh that's very
23:31sensible
23:34you'll pay daddy back when when you've robbed your first bank
23:38look dear couldn't you find some nice philatelic society to join
23:46no we will not send a check richard that's sheridan on the phone
23:54now listen sheridan you've upset your father
23:57oh major i'm so sorry i was expecting another call yes oh yes my candlelight supper is still on
24:07oh it's been a funny day but we have to press on would i like some flowers from your conservatory
24:14how very kind yes i'll pop along now that's very civilized of you major bye
24:22what about sheridan don't send him any money
24:26what about sheridan don't send him any money
24:51oh isn't this delightful you know this is so kind of you
24:56i've cut some prime blooms for you
24:59oh lovely
25:04especially
25:04especially
25:05oh
25:06oh
25:08oh
25:10Russian is not...
25:12I am not the...
25:14I am not the...
25:15I am not the...
25:18I am not the...
25:46What's wrong now?
25:48Nothing is wrong.
25:50As far as anyone is concerned, nothing is wrong.
25:54We're going to have a candlelight supper.
25:56It's going to be the usual success.
25:59I see no reason for trailing our problems in front of our friends.
26:04Is the Major coming?
26:06Yes, Richard.
26:07I do believe the Major will be coming.
26:12And it's a good job he is a Major.
26:15If he was a Sergeant, he wouldn't get a foot past the door.