- 22 minutes ago
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00:01Right, er, hello. Just another normal day at the office, innit?
00:04Just a normal day, innit?
00:06So, what?
00:08What are you laughing at?
00:11Nothing, man.
00:13Obviously, Red Nose Day.
00:14It's always a good laugh, we had a...
00:16Keith, here, right?
00:17It's the sort of thing.
00:19Come hear me.
00:22Ali G, Ali Keith!
00:24Gareth, come here, right?
00:25Look at this, normal day, right? Just a normal office.
00:28What are you doing?
00:28We've got Hoff everywhere.
00:30Being sponsored.
00:32So, that's the sort of thing. I'm in everywhere.
00:33That's the sort of thing we'll be doing today.
00:35We always do a good laugh. Raised quite a lot last time, didn't we?
00:38But on a serious note, it is comic relief.
00:41We are raising money for people who are starving to death.
00:45If I make people laugh while I'm saving lives, sue me.
00:49But, er, you know...
00:51Do it.
00:55That's the accountant and that's the boss encouraging it.
00:58So, what sort of a day is it? Is it normal?
01:01I've got the, er, Slough Gazette coming down.
01:03Take a photo.
01:04What time they're coming down?
01:04About five-ish, so...
01:06They love us all.
01:07I think it's just me.
01:08I've got something planned, so...
01:09Well, we can all be in it, eh?
01:09Well, not really. I call them, so...
01:10They love us all.
01:12They're trying to worm into someone else's photo.
01:25Everyone's joining in.
01:26This young lady. Oh!
01:28Bit saucy.
01:29Selling kisses.
01:30The lads. Or the ladies.
01:32If there are any ladies that like that sort.
01:33I don't think there are any in this office.
01:35And if there are, good luck to them.
01:36They're all welcome.
01:37We're all equal now.
01:38It's different for girls anyway, isn't it?
01:40It's more light-hearted.
01:41Lower risk.
01:42Erotic.
01:43Well, not in this case.
01:45I mean, it's not a sexual day.
01:48It's, er, you know...
01:49Oh, you thought it was bad before.
01:50Here's the man.
01:51Finchie!
01:52Very nice day.
01:52Oh, here it goes.
01:53Here it's done.
01:54Kisses for a quid.
01:55Oh, he's seen it.
01:55That's a good cause.
01:56Do you mind kissing me on the nose?
01:58No.
01:58Put your quid in.
01:59Okay.
02:00Kiss me on the nose.
02:02Heya.
02:03What do I get for a tenner?
02:04Oh, no.
02:05Squeal, Piggy, squeal.
02:06Wee!
02:10Wee!
02:10Wee!
02:11Wee!
02:12Wee!
02:13Wee!
02:13Wee!
02:13Wee!
02:13Wee!
02:15Wee!
02:16Wee!
02:19Wee!
02:21Wee!
02:22Wee!
02:23Oh, God!
02:24Nah.
02:24I'm not that desperate.
02:25Oh, who says...
02:26I mean, that's to be depressing!
02:27That's not...
02:40Don't get me wrong.
02:42I've got nothing against this sort of thing.
02:44Erm...
02:44It's a good cause.
02:46But I just don't want to have to join in with someone else's idea of wackiness.
02:49It's a wackiness I can't stand.
02:51It's like, erm...
02:52You see someone outside as they're collecting for cancer research because they've been personally
02:55affected by it or whatever or, I don't know, an old bloke selling poppies.
02:59There's a dignity about that.
03:00It's a real quiet dignity.
03:03Here we go.
03:04No, no, no, come on.
03:05Leave it.
03:06Leave it.
03:07Leave it.
03:07Leave it.
03:08Leave it.
03:09And that's what today's all about.
03:12Dignity.
03:12No!
03:13No, no, no, no!
03:14No!
03:14No, no, no!
03:16Always dignity.
03:17Oh!
03:18Bastard!
03:20My kids are gonna sing those!
03:21Oh!
03:22Oh!
03:22Oh!
03:24Oh!
03:26Oh!
03:27Oh!
03:27Don't worry, don't worry.
03:28Stop crying.
03:36I'm sure there's people watching this now going, Oi Brent, why are you still bothering
03:40with Comic Relief?
03:41They're always doing it and there's still people starving.
03:43That's why I'm still doing it.
03:45That's why you should too, you know.
03:47Probably put a number up there, shall we?
03:49People want to make donations or...
03:52You know?
03:53And I hear people go, oh no, the money just goes to hungry foreigners.
03:57Not true.
03:58A lot of it stays in this country.
04:00You know, it goes to homegrown problem, AKA, the disableds.
04:05You know, a lot of money goes to these fellas.
04:07I'm not saying it goes to you.
04:08You don't need it, do you?
04:10You're working.
04:10But if you do claim for it, you might probably claim for other stuff and that's up to you.
04:13As long as you don't abuse the system, you know.
04:16Sadly, a lot of them are.
04:17What do you mean?
04:18A lot of people are abusing the system.
04:20I've got to make sure that people that say they're crippled...
04:22Disabled.
04:23...actually are disabled.
04:25What, are you suggesting that people pretend to be disabled in order to claim money off
04:28the DSS?
04:29I don't know.
04:30I'm just saying there should be tests, that's all.
04:31Oh God, what tests?
04:32Oh, stick pins in their legs, see if they react.
04:35That is not going to work.
04:36I have feelings in my legs.
04:37I just can't walk.
04:38Alright, I'm just saying there should be tests.
04:41We're all ears, Gareth.
04:42Oh, I don't know.
04:43When they go down the DSS to make a claim, then they should set off a fire alarm.
04:48A fake fire alarm.
04:49Everybody legs it out of the office, leaving them there.
04:51If they're fake, they'll be up and running with you.
04:53If they're real, they'll be left there screaming for help.
04:59Then you just come back in and say, it's alright, don't cry.
05:02It's just a test, you've passed, here's your money.
05:04Yeah, spend it on what you like.
05:06One of those little blue cars or whatever you want.
05:09Another...
05:09It's just one idea.
05:10Yeah.
05:13So, that's...
05:15She's joining in with it.
05:16Do you want to put this on?
05:17Little nose?
05:17No, I don't.
05:18No?
05:19It's up to you, up to her.
05:20Our own decisions.
05:30Oh, Gareth, you know I'm doing kisses for a pound as well, like Don.
05:33Well, you're not, and I wouldn't pay you if you were.
05:35I know, so I'll put your pound in, shall I?
05:37Hmm?
05:38I put a pound in, so you kiss me.
05:39No, I wouldn't kiss you if you paid me.
05:41Well, I am paying Gareth, but it's quite simple.
05:43So, first of all, just as it's for charity, I need to just get what's right for me.
05:46Why are you such a bender?
05:47Get off of me!
05:48Oh, Bender, I'm just...
05:49Get off!
05:49I'm not kissing you, I didn't put a pound in.
05:52Well, I'm going to put a pound in.
05:53You're such a pervert.
05:54I'm not a pervert.
05:55That just feels good, though.
05:56Get off of me.
05:56That feels better.
05:57I hope you're getting all this.
05:59And I hope your girlfriend knows that you're gay, because otherwise she's going to get a big surprise.
06:02Is that your big surprise?
06:03I've got a big surprise.
06:07Okay?
06:09Flip it, Nick.
06:10Don't...
06:11Take things too far.
06:12Alright, just don't...
06:13Why are you so...
06:15Pet up about it?
06:20That was one way.
06:22I didn't...
06:22I didn't...
06:23Kiss him back.
06:25Oh!
06:26He's funny.
06:27He's a funny guy.
06:29Are you ready?
06:30Come on, mate.
06:31Come on, mate.
06:32Come on, mate.
06:33Come on, mate.
06:34Come on, mate.
06:36Yeah, yeah.
06:38Oh, you were...
06:39Oh, weren't you?
06:40Okay, gather round, everybody.
06:41We've got a little surprise for you.
06:43Do you want to come away from your desk?
06:44On my turn.
06:44Do you remember where we were?
06:45Let's gather round.
06:46Sheila?
06:47Oh, Sheila.
06:48Nice costume.
06:49You look fantastic.
06:50Okay, would you please give a big warm welcome to the fantastic Neil Godwin and the lovely
06:56Rachel.
06:56Yay!
07:01It's that time again.
07:04Now, I've suffered.
07:06Well, we've both suffered through our art here.
07:07Please, would you mind suffering with us?
07:09And I'm going to be collecting at the end, so if you could give generously.
07:11Thanks very much.
07:12Jennifer, could you do the honours, please?
07:23Awesome.
07:24Sweet.
07:27Good night.
07:28Let's record.
07:28Good night, guys.
07:38I'm just trying to keep my own love
07:40I can't get you off, off, off, off, off
07:43I want a chance for happiness
07:50Evolution now, I think you're the best
07:53So I say you'll always be my baby
07:56We can make it shine
07:57We can take the rain
07:59But just don't fade it out of time
08:05More than a woman
08:08More than a woman to eat
08:11More than a woman
08:28That looks kind
08:31We should be my baby
08:34We should be dancing
08:42Dancing
09:05Thank you very much, there's quite a bit in there, can add that to yours if you like.
09:09Cheers. I've already raised more than that in a way. Cheers.
09:13I threw in the crib we did last time, and if you wanted dancing, you should have come to me.
09:17I know you'd rehearse that as a plan.
09:19What did you dance? Big time.
09:22More modern stuff than that as well.
09:24I sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammership.
09:29All right then mate, let's show us your moves.
09:32There's no beat, is there?
09:33Oh, go on.
09:33You can't, you're like music and everything.
09:35Well let's, let's uh, well, add this for charity, just a little bit.
09:39Let's do it.
09:40Let's do it.
09:42Let's do it.
09:45Let's do it.
09:47Let's do it.
10:22So, and that's playing, Dave.
10:24Yeah, well.
10:30Do a bit of warning next time, you might get a...
10:32You don't have to give a donation for that, do you?
10:34Well, don't say it like that.
10:35All the money collected is for both dances.
10:37Both excellent dances.
10:39In their...
10:39Well, you know, if there is a difference.
10:41Mine was impromptu.
10:43So, but I don't think you should get extra points for that, necessarily.
10:46Make your own minds up.
10:47Leave me out of it.
10:48I'm collecting for charity, all right?
10:50So, you've seen me entertain and raise money,
10:58but maybe I'd like to do that in the future for a living, you know?
11:00Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people, you know?
11:05And if it's ideas for TV shows, you know, game shows or whatever you want,
11:10I'm your man, you know?
11:11I'm already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training,
11:14but, you know, I'd like to do that on a global scale, really.
11:17And that's not going, oh, look at me today.
11:19I'm entertaining whilst saving lives.
11:22Aren't I brilliant?
11:23It's going, if you think I'm brilliant,
11:25then give generously and help save these guys who are starving,
11:29but are also brilliant.
11:30Not as entertainers.
11:31A lot of them can't even speak English, but, you know,
11:34don't give them their own game show.
11:35But save them from dying, at least,
11:38and then maybe they could, you know,
11:40do something in their own country on television
11:43or wherever they have the wireless or, I don't know,
11:46give them a job on the World Service or something.
11:59Hi.
12:00We're from the local mental hospital.
12:02Is, er, is Gareth Keane in here?
12:04Because he just escaped.
12:06Because he is mental.
12:07It's my crew.
12:11Kisses for a quid, yes, I will.
12:13Close them all.
12:14Come on, mate.
12:20My man-maid.
12:21Oh, that's all we need.
12:23Come on.
12:27My man-maid.
12:28Um, um, um,
12:33Sorry about this.
12:34It's my man-maid.
12:37It's not good.
12:38They've finally come to take you away, then.
12:39Hey.
12:40Hey, you, er...
12:41You're mad as well.
12:42Guilty.
12:43He's the boss.
12:45Oh, give us a job.
12:46I've already got one reprobate.
12:47Thanks very much.
12:48Jimmy the Perth.
12:49Oh, right, right.
12:49And the Og Monster.
12:50Oh, bloody hell.
12:51What's the weather like up there?
12:53Oh, I've heard that before.
12:54The parents put you in a grow bag when you were little, did they?
12:55That's the old one.
12:56Let's grow ourselves a big, lanky, goggle-eyed freak.
12:59All right, calm down, mate.
12:59There's no need to get offensive.
13:00No, no, no.
13:01I was doing not joining the...
13:01They called you fatty as soon as I saw you.
13:02All right, no.
13:02I was joining in...
13:03No, let's just...
13:04I don't have a go at the eyes,
13:05because that is astigmatism that I've had from the age of five.
13:08So that's what makes them a bit bulbous.
13:10So don't just go...
13:11I didn't call you, like, Whale Man or the Blubber Man.
13:13No, yeah, but I don't go around calling myself the Mong Boy.
13:15Well, I don't either.
13:16I call myself the Og Monster.
13:17I'm not going to call you the Og Monster.
13:18Well, that's my name, sir.
13:26I didn't call you fatty.
13:27What is...
13:29What's the matter with him?
13:38Yeah.
13:41I've got a sponsorship form for comic relief.
13:44I wanted to enter into the spirit a bit more, you know.
13:47So, gents, sorry to interrupt.
13:48I wonder if you'd like to sponsor me.
13:50I have to hide as many of Gareth's possessions as I can from him
13:54for the rest of the day.
13:55You've got to do what?
13:57I will be hiding Gareth's belongings.
13:59I'll give you a two-quid for the lot.
14:01Two-quid for the lot, yeah.
14:01It's the most generous offer.
14:04They're waiting for me.
14:06Oh, break it up.
14:08Put it down.
14:09No, they wouldn't.
14:10She wouldn't.
14:11Her husband's loaded, isn't he?
14:13He does okay.
14:16Oh, dear.
14:19What a day.
14:22Okay, David, do you have that report?
14:26Oh, glad you brought that up.
14:28That's why I'm here.
14:30Yes.
14:31Um, formulating a lot of good ideas that are very exciting.
14:35No, David, I don't want to talk about our report or the report we're going to do soon.
14:38I'm talking about the report we talked about four days ago that was definitely going to
14:41be done today.
14:45You know how important I consider this report to be.
14:48I come in and I discover that this is the fruit of your labors.
14:52Don't go through my stuff and I'm not in.
14:53Just, please, read the first sentence for Jennifer.
15:02Imagine a cross between teleaddicts and Noel's house party.
15:05You've just imagined Upstairs, Downstairs, a new quiz show devised and hosted by David
15:10Brent.
15:11David, I just don't understand this.
15:15Well, contestants run upstairs and they get a clue.
15:17No, not the game show.
15:19I don't understand why you haven't done the report you said you'd do.
15:22I don't understand your consistent negligence and failure to do what is asked of you.
15:26Because you're viewing my methods like there's something missing.
15:30Like, you're looking at it like the jigsaw that it is, but you're viewing it through a
15:34keyhole when really you should be.
15:37David, some words would be useful here.
15:38Oh, I think actions speak louder than words.
15:41You're on a warning.
15:43Hey, that's the action I'm going to take.
15:44It's a verbal warning.
15:45Obviously, three strikes and you're out and things have got to change.
15:51Fine.
15:52Give me all three now, then, because, oh, I'd love to see you run this place.
15:55You'd have a mutiny on your hands for a start, because they would have it if that's what
15:58you want.
15:59Come on, let's bring it on.
16:00No, David, that's not what I want.
16:01I want to see this place run with you doing your job, OK?
16:04OK.
16:04Take the verbal warning.
16:05Still take the warning?
16:07Take the verbal warning, learn from it, and let's move onwards and upwards.
16:11OK?
16:14Neil makes me laugh, though, because, you know, it's his interfering.
16:18It's his timing.
16:19You're going on about what he wants some report doing.
16:21It's Red Nose Day, you know.
16:23Oh, what's more important, you, Neil, with your report, or some starving children?
16:27Oh, I don't know.
16:28You know, oh, what would Lenny Henry say?
16:30I think we know.
16:31Imagine him going out of the door on Comic Relief Day, and Dawn French is going,
16:34where are you going?
16:35You haven't done the washing up.
16:37You haven't put the rubbish out.
16:38Do it yourself.
16:39I've got to save some Africans.
16:46What are you reading?
16:48A holiday brochure.
16:50Why is that, then, going on holiday?
16:53Well, possibly.
16:54Where to?
16:55The States.
16:59United States?
17:01Yeah.
17:07I don't know if you've heard the gossip, but Tim's going out with Rachel.
17:13Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd heard.
17:16Yeah, because he used to fancy you, didn't he?
17:19Oh, did he?
17:19Yeah, yeah, yeah, he did, and now he's found someone better.
17:25Yep.
17:38Have you seen my phone?
17:39Huh?
17:40Where's my phone?
17:43Have you got it?
17:44Where have you put it?
17:46Seriously, where have you put my phone?
17:49Don't believe it.
17:50Kareth.
17:51So many times I told you that to touch my stuff.
17:54Excuse me.
17:54The phone is a different matter.
17:55Yeah, it's for charity.
17:56What else do you think?
17:57Where's my tiny tanks?
18:00How am I supposed to work?
18:02You'll just have the hop to it.
18:08A lot of crime in America.
18:10Right, well, I'll be careful.
18:13Word of advice.
18:15Keep your traveller's checks in a bum bag.
18:20Thanks, I'll buy one.
18:23Well, when you get there?
18:24Yeah.
18:26Word of warning, then.
18:28Out there, they call them fanny packs.
18:32Because fanny means your arse over there.
18:38Not your minge.
18:50Where is...
18:51God, you're so immature.
18:54Where?
18:54Right, I demand that everything is back...
18:56Gareth, stop hopping, everyone.
18:57How am I supposed to do any work?
18:58Gareth, I've told you, it's for charity.
18:59It's not for charity, though, is it?
19:00It's for you winding me up.
19:01Gareth, stop hopping again.
19:02I don't have to hop all day.
19:05It's just when I'm moving that I have to hop.
19:06Where does it say that in the rule book?
19:07Where is my...
19:08See?
19:09That's mine.
19:10From a start, straight away.
19:11How am I...
19:12Where's the rest of it?
19:14Gareth, Gareth.
19:15Okay, Gareth.
19:16Just calm down, okay?
19:17Have a seat.
19:18You've been on your foot all day.
19:19Oh, God, how do you hide a chair?
19:34Don't eat.
19:35Taylor?
19:36Yeah, sure.
19:37You all right?
19:37Yeah, you...
19:38Hello, man.
19:40Are you going to have some prawn and avocado?
19:43See you later, ma'am.
19:43Yeah, are you not going to eat here?
19:45No, I've got to get back.
19:46Oh, okay.
19:47Well, I've made 19 pounds today.
19:49Yeah?
19:50Is it going to English kids or is it all going abroad, I suppose?
19:54Well, just...
19:55Will you please stop moaning?
19:56Give her a quid for a kiss.
19:57I'm not paying for it, mate.
19:59Listen, them's the rules, do it.
20:01All right.
20:04There you go.
20:04What do you get for that?
20:05Hey.
20:06Come here.
20:07Oh!
20:08Oh!
20:08Oh, good.
20:09That's great.
20:09See you.
20:11See you.
20:13See you.
20:13See you.
20:14Bye.
20:17Right.
20:18Oh.
20:20My contribution.
20:21Oh, thank you.
20:22Where do you want to kiss?
20:23Hmm?
20:24Where do you want to kiss?
20:25That's all right.
20:25I'll just...
20:25Well, you've got to have a kiss.
20:28I don't have to have a kiss.
20:29Oof.
20:33Oof.
20:35Oof.
20:37Oof.
20:37Oof.
20:38Oof.
20:40Oof.
20:41Oof.
20:41Oof.
20:43Oof.
20:45Oof.
21:00What are you doing?
21:01All right. Just working.
21:06I'm very, very, very bored.
21:10Excuse me. Desk procedures. Chairs are sitting on.
21:15I think he's a little bit jealous that he's not getting the view you're getting.
21:18Wrong. I got the arse this side, so I don't want to be sitting where he's sitting if he was
21:22wearing a skirt.
21:23Then I could look up there. That's it.
21:27Aren't you going to defend by the honour?
21:28No. I think you'd better get off the table.
21:32He's getting a bit embarrassed by his new girlfriend.
21:34I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
21:37You all right?
21:38Yeah.
21:44You're cool.
21:55I don't see one that will do it around lunchtime.
22:00Excuse me, man.
22:01Yes.
22:02Can we have another quick word?
22:04Not now. I'm literally running downstairs this minute.
22:07What for?
22:07The Gazette are coming in to take my picture, so I'm going to be in the paper.
22:11Well, Wernham Hogg. I'm going to be in the paper. Free advertising. So that's not what I'm doing.
22:14This shouldn't take long.
22:16Okay.
22:17Sorry to spring this on you now.
22:18Well, we've been discussing something that you said earlier, and it's certainly something we've been thinking about as well.
22:26We'd like to offer you a very generous redundancy package.
22:35Are you offering me it, or are you telling me I've got to take it?
22:39Um, we're telling you you've got to take it.
22:42We will put in a proper meeting tomorrow.
22:46It's good timing, isn't it?
22:48Telling me that.
22:50Today.
22:51The day of laughter.
22:53Brilliant.
22:56That's that ruined, isn't it?
22:58That's what I was...
23:06That's...
23:09Little pockets and everything.
23:14So now I'll try and go down there and be funny.
23:18It's going to be...
23:21Good, isn't it?
23:24With that...
23:25Going through.
23:28I knew you were...
23:29Up to something, planning something.
23:31Jennifer, do you agree with this?
23:32Because we can...
23:35I'll be alright.
23:36Don't worry about me.
23:37I've got other irons in the fire, so...
23:39It's the best thing that's ever happened to me, to be honest.
23:42But I'm going to love to see you telling that lot.
23:45Right there.
23:46Because you are going to have a mutiny on your hands.
23:48They will go berserk.
23:50Definitely.
23:52If that's it, can you leave now, please?
23:56Go on.
23:56I've got stuff to do.
23:57I've got...
23:57I've got laughter.
24:00I've got money to raise.
24:01Mouths to feed.
24:02It's your time.
24:03Yeah.
24:21Now, if you're wondering what that meeting was just about in there, that's it.
24:29I've been made redundant.
24:36Yeah.
24:38After it was me who saved others from redundancy.
24:43And then it's back.
24:45Good day young.
24:49Well, I said to you, you've got to go mental.
24:57And now I've got to go and give laughter.
25:03But...
25:06See you.
25:08Huh?
25:26Okay.
25:27Do you just want to make it pack?
25:31Well...
25:31Yeah.
25:33Just run around a bit.
25:38Yeah.
25:41Good.
25:46Yeah.
25:49Good.
25:51Okay.
25:53Now, smile.
25:54It's for comic relief.
25:54Can I just do it?
25:55It's down there.
25:55Yeah.
25:56Just...
25:57Can you make it pack at your mates like Roy Hud?
25:59Rod Hull.
25:59Yeah.
25:59Just do that.
26:01Okay.
26:06Good.
26:08Yeah.
26:09Okay.
26:10Good.
26:10That's fine.
26:11Yeah.
26:11All right.
26:12It's a bit dark, actually.
26:13I didn't bring a flash.
26:16Probably won't be able to use these, actually.
26:18Okay.
26:19Don't be disappointed if they're not in.
26:21No.
26:21Okay.
26:22Cheers.
26:23Bye.
26:25Well done, David.
26:26Well done.
26:26No.
26:27No worries.
26:29Did I miss him?
26:30Yeah.