- 33 minutes ago
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00:01I'm not thinking about it. I'm doing it. I'm leaving to go back to university to learn about more than
00:06the price of Opti-Bright laser copy paper.
00:09$2.98 a gram?
00:11$2.40 a gram. Check the list.
00:12Yeah, I thought you said something different. What are you going to study?
00:15Psychology.
00:16What do you want to be a psychiatrist for? They're all mad themselves, aren't they?
00:19Mm-hmm. I want to be a psychologist.
00:21Same difference. All right, and I'd say, you're so clever, what am I thinking about now?
00:24You're thinking, how could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?
00:28No.
00:28Right. You're thinking, if I crash land in Jungle, will I be able to eat my own shoes?
00:33No, and you can't.
00:34Right. What are you thinking, Gareth?
00:36I was just wondering, will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?
00:52All right.
00:54Oh, midday. You're just getting in.
00:56No, I should be here in about an hour.
01:00I don't know. You're already here.
01:03I get it.
01:05Who am I, then? Dixner, Doc Green?
01:07What?
01:08Evening, all.
01:10Brilliant. Sorry I'm late.
01:12Yeah. Not so worried about that, but while you're lodging with me, your parents have entrusted me with their most
01:17valuable possession.
01:18You.
01:19Yeah?
01:21Yeah?
01:21Ipso facto.
01:22Trust received.
01:23Responsibility given.
01:25And taken.
01:27Yeah?
01:28I'm your guardian. You stayed out all night. Okay. You stayed with a friend. That's fine. I'm a little bit
01:34annoyed at your parents. You're not calling me.
01:35His parents weren't in.
01:36It's a bloke, so what? Come on. God. Chill out, shall we? Please. You know. Good. A friend that happens
01:43to be a boy. I could stay at dawn's.
01:45No, you wouldn't.
01:46Well, I could if I got off with, at the wrong, got off at the wrong bus stop. I could,
01:52you know. I'd be on the floor.
01:53Yeah, we'd spend some time on the floor.
01:55For good reason.
01:57Three.
01:58More room.
01:59Yes. Go free. Come on. Jesus. You know. But if I did stay at dawn's, the point is this.
02:05Well, you couldn't.
02:05Well, like, if I...
02:06You could stay at mine if you wanted.
02:07I don't want to stay at yours. The point is, if I did stay at dawn's, there'd be no funny
02:13business. There was no funny business. Fine.
02:15Apart from all the sex, but we'll do it at your place next time, so you don't have to worry.
02:20Was it no... Was anyone in the office, was it?
02:22It was, actually. I slept with somebody in the office, everybody.
02:25Show's over. All right. Good. Well done. That's fine. Don't even... It's not yet.
02:31Oh.
02:35Oh.
02:36I'd let you stay at mine.
02:43Um, well, I'm getting a secretary, because, er, well, I need one. So, and, er, lucky contestants, are.
02:52All right?
02:53Oh, er, this is Stuart Foote.
02:54Hi, Stuart.
02:55And Karen Roper.
02:56Hi.
02:56Mr Brent.
02:57I don't know her, Mr Brent. David.
03:01She'll brighten up the place, won't she?
03:02If she gets the job, so will he... If he gets it, because you're both... You're both equal.
03:06It's all on the... No foregone conclusion, based on interview and... And merit.
03:11I mean, it is up to me, ultimately, but good luck. You do well to impress me.
03:15So, er, nurse the Polaroid.
03:17Just for, um... Just for... Sit down.
03:20Just gonna take a... A snapshot.
03:23Just for the files, just to keep on...
03:25Well, I'll do it. I'll do it.
03:26Okay. Let's get that... That lovely smile on.
03:30On... Come down here.
03:32That's nice, yeah.
03:33Oh, look, the hair all... Lovely.
03:35That looks nice. Lovely blue eyes.
03:36Okay, big smile.
03:39That's lovely.
03:41Lovely, lovely. Just give that a minute.
03:43We'll have a look at that.
03:44Do any of you as well.
03:47Good.
03:48Good.
03:50We're doing Stuart first?
03:51Yeah, let's get him out the way.
03:52Come on, follow me.
03:53Through here.
04:05Good.
04:14Stuart Foote.
04:23oh what is that money don't make my world go round i'm reaching out to a higher ground
04:28is that a philosopher desray the singer money don't make my world go round
04:38i'm reaching out to a higher ground
04:42to a warm and peaceful place i i i i can rest my weary face
04:50because we're living we're living in a crazy maze why do you want to work here shoot yeah the bosses
05:01are panicking they're going oh cut back lose staff you know that's the way forward that'll save us
05:08money will it yeah who's to say that you know hiring staff won't save money in the long run
05:15does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle it turns up in a newer car perception
05:20yeah they've got to trust me i'm taking these guys into battle yeah and i'm doing my own stapling
05:26yeah a sergeant major spends all his time training his men to be killers he doesn't polish his own
05:31boots he probably probably does polish your own boots but you know it doesn't mean it doesn't
05:38mean i have to do my own filing
05:45yeah
05:45are you ready to see how i'm open now
05:47yeah
05:49yeah
05:49yeah
05:50yeah
05:51yeah
05:52yeah
05:54yeah
05:55yeah
05:55yeah
06:19thank you
06:21hi
06:21hello
06:22let's get you sat down
06:24okay
06:25no i've got
06:26come on over here ready
06:30that's good
06:31pop it down
06:32good
06:33right
06:34the interview
06:36let's see
06:37what we've got here
06:39mmm
06:40Karen Roper
06:44Curriculum Vitae
06:45mmm
06:46just looking at this
06:47checking it out
06:50good
06:50good
06:51tell me about yourself
06:52um
06:53well i did GCSEs and A levels and
06:56and
06:56too boring
06:57tell me about yourself
06:59okay
07:00um well
07:01i'm
07:02quite into films and music
07:04yeah
07:08Desiree?
07:09i don't really know
07:10oh yeah
07:11just put that down there
07:15last year i took a year out and i went travelling
07:20exploring
07:20exploring yourself
07:23and Asia
07:25just with your boyfriend just
07:27just
07:27no i was on the road
07:28good by yourself just out there
07:29free
07:31getting what you can
07:33when
07:34or you're young
07:36i don't know
07:37when
07:40you've charmed me
07:41yeah
07:42you've got the job
07:43think of a decision
07:44i'll make it
07:45good
07:45work out your notice
07:46with the play show right now
07:47and we'll put you on a month's probation
07:49but don't it's just to see if we
07:51okay
07:52yeah
07:53good
07:53good
07:55out tonight
07:57celebrating i suppose
07:57um
07:58yeah
07:59going to
08:00do you know the chasers?
08:01oh i don't believe it
08:02oh
08:02if you see a
08:03three debauched drunkards in the corner
08:05keep away from us
08:06no
08:07come over
08:07come over
08:08drinks are beyond me
08:09in me
08:11what time are you going to cruise down there?
08:12it's not definite
08:13that we are
08:14no come down
08:14come down
08:15definitely
08:16what's your tipple?
08:17um
08:17vodka and coke
08:19me
08:19lager
08:20uh
08:22finchie lager
08:23gareth
08:23lager sometimes cider
08:25so
08:25different drinks
08:26for different
08:28needs
08:29yeah
08:31well done
08:31well done again
08:32congratulations
08:33thank you
08:39new secretary
08:40good
08:42efficient
08:50so you resigned then?
08:52yeah i've just got a hand in my notice to make it official
08:54you embarrassed yourself and all didn't you asking Dawn out?
08:57no i didn't ask her that was why does everyone think it was as a friend?
09:01right
09:01okay it was just as a friend
09:08all right
09:09all right
09:09all right
09:10all right
09:10how's it going?
09:11setting in?
09:11wonderful
09:15who left that there?
09:17um
09:17um
09:18um
09:19there's going to be a health and safety seminar a little bit later on which i'd like you to attend
09:22all right
09:23uh compulsory i'm afraid but it's not to say it won't be fun
09:26you know i like to inject my own sense of fun into the proceedings so two o'clock in the
09:32meeting room all right?
09:33see you there
09:45just looking at the booklet at the moment
09:48yeah
09:49what'd you watch on telly last night?
09:51i didn't watch telly i watched the video
09:52i watched that peak practice
09:53yeah i've never seen it
09:55bloody repeat
09:56yeah
09:57denying innit?
09:58not for me i hadn't seen it
10:04boring isn't it?
10:05just
10:06staying in watching peak practice with your life
10:08mmm
10:09yeah
10:09not for me
10:10i like it
10:11yeah i just stayed in and had a big wink
10:17should be an option, eh?
10:18yeah, fine
10:20he won't need it
10:21he won't need it
10:22it's fine i've done it twice
10:24i need my own people to go
10:26you mind the job
10:27okay
10:28rent, just rope it to me
10:31i bloody love football
10:32don't i?
10:34service barman
10:35lager
10:36vodka and coke
10:37gave it a gig
10:38oh god
10:39the dreaded form
10:40does it sit on there with you?
10:41married or single
10:42she usually scores
10:43that doesn't matter
10:44whatever
10:44bring your boyfriend down tonight if you want
10:46i don't have your boyfriend
10:47whatever
10:48oh sorry
10:48sorry
10:49that is a man's game
10:50that is
10:51that is
10:52yeah
10:53accidental
10:54let me look
10:54let me look
10:55let me look
10:55let me look
10:56oh
10:56so
10:56that's why i shouldn't get involved
10:58really
10:58oh god
11:09hello all right
11:10yeah i'm, i've just...
11:12was...
11:13yeah i've got to go this sakes
11:13no
11:14i can hit you
11:15Of course you can.
11:26So we should go for the drink?
11:28Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:30You, me and Lee?
11:31Yeah, the three of us, yeah.
11:32I can probably get someone to come along, so...
11:35Good.
11:37In the next few weeks?
11:38Definitely.
11:39I'll just check with Lee.
11:41Yeah, absolutely, yeah, of course.
11:48Gareth!
11:49What?
11:51Garedio!
11:51How are you, mate?
11:55Nothing.
11:55Good to see you.
12:04You weren't trying to get off with her, were you?
12:12OK, welcome to Wernham Hog Health and Safety Training with Gareth Keenan.
12:18OK?
12:19That's me.
12:20Pleased to meet you.
12:23There are many hidden dangers in the workspace, and today we're going to find out what those
12:27dangers are together.
12:29All right?
12:29Starting off with your work station.
12:32Now, I want you to imagine that this is a mug of hot coffee.
12:37It's not, OK?
12:38Because that would be dangerous even in a training situation.
12:41What we're going to do is play a little fun game that I've made up.
12:46All right?
12:47I like to have a bit of fun when I'm teaching people.
12:49In fact, I like to have a laugh most of the time.
12:51In and out of work.
12:52In fact, there's a few of us going out tonight.
12:54Shall we crack on?
12:57Good.
12:58Keen.
12:59Excellent.
12:59All right.
13:01Now, watch where I place this mug in order to simulate where someone might put a mug,
13:07you know, in real life.
13:09And what I want you to do is shout out and shout, mind, safe or dangerous.
13:14All right?
13:15Think you can manage that?
13:18OK, let's go.
13:25Dangerous.
13:44Dangerous.
13:46So what have we learnt there?
13:47Don't pour coffee over the computer.
13:49Any fluids?
13:50All right.
13:51Good.
13:53It's first class, right?
13:55You all right?
13:56Eh?
13:56You all right?
13:57Yeah, yeah, fine, thanks, yeah.
13:59Good morning.
14:00Or a bad morning.
14:01A bit of...
14:03Oh, God, a bit of a mad morning.
14:05Or a mad.
14:06See you later.
14:07OK.
14:11Basically, there's a correct way and an incorrect way to lift stuff, all right?
14:15This is the incorrect way.
14:22The correct way, two things to remember.
14:25First of all, keep your back nice and straight.
14:27Straight back and then...
14:28And bend your knees.
14:30You've got to keep your back straight and bend your knees.
14:33All right?
14:34Very important.
14:36That's the correct way.
14:37Do you want to try that with me?
14:38I'm fine.
14:40Well, I'm supposed to witness you do it so I can tick the box.
14:43So, just do it with me a couple of times.
14:46All right?
14:47So, nice straight back.
14:49Bend your knees.
14:52Up.
14:53That's it.
14:54Down again.
14:55Same on the way down as on the way up.
15:11Down again.
15:13Good.
15:14One more time.
15:15Nice straight back.
15:16Nice straight back.
15:16That's it.
15:17That's it.
15:18Great.
15:18One more time.
15:20That's it.
15:21So, you got that?
15:22I'll practise it at home.
15:23Excellent.
15:24Good.
15:25Well done.
15:26If there's any questions you want to ask or, you know, if you want to talk about anything
15:30at all, just come and...
15:31I know you've, um...
15:34I know you slept with Jack.
15:35Right, are we done then?
15:36Well, you know, you made a mistake.
15:37That's fine.
15:37I haven't made a mistake.
15:38I was just checking whether you're going to be sleeping with him again or, you know,
15:41spreading it around...
15:42Right, bye.
15:46Good.
15:47Good.
15:49Yeah.
15:50Excellent pupil.
15:52Fast learner.
15:53She won't be spilling any fluids or lifting things incorrectly.
16:00Hey.
16:00I'm going to give her.
16:02Hey.
16:10Hi, Gareth.
16:11Quick question, mate.
16:11I've got these emblems here.
16:12All this is to file and I don't know...
16:27What...
16:30Yes.
16:31Where do I file these?
16:32I don't know.
16:33Excellent.
16:33Thanks.
16:44It's not as if she's your daughter or anything, no?
16:48No, but that's not the point.
16:50It's the principle.
16:51It was about respect.
16:52Yeah.
16:53Showing a bit of respect.
16:57And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws.
17:00So?
17:02Showing respect by obeying the law.
17:06Which is legal, eh?
17:07What?
17:08When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking.
17:10When girls are 16, they're ready for...
17:11Gareth!
17:12You've heard that one, then.
17:13Well...
17:14So are you going to fire the person that she's left with?
17:17It's a free country.
17:18I can't do anything about it, so...
17:20So you won't fire them as such?
17:23I won't look on him favourably, let's put it that way.
17:25Or her.
17:25Or her.
17:26Could be a girl.
17:27She's not a lesbian, Gareth.
17:29I think I'd know if a woman living under my roof liked to roll around with other women.
17:39Gareth?
17:40Don't you?
17:42Yep.
17:43Maybe she's probably...
17:45Spoke to you at five, yeah?
17:47Get the call at six, from the lads.
17:48Drinks at eight in the chasers.
17:50Oh.
17:50Spare bird going?
17:51Not for long.
17:53Right, so I'll get there.
17:53She's aged 19.
17:55Ferrari chassis.
17:56Fantastic set of shells and legs up to her arse.
18:00Muchos tequilas later, I'm in a cab with her.
18:02Not only that, but my mate's bird wants to get a lift with me and this nympho.
18:06Yeah?
18:07Yeah?
18:07So there I am, back of the cab.
18:09Both of them got the laughing gear round the old single barrel pump-action yoghurt rifle.
18:14His nymph.
18:15So, back to mine.
18:16Two hours sleep, yeah?
18:18Today, bump into the mate whose bird I've done.
18:20Yeah?
18:21Ooh.
18:21Sold him two tonne of high white wool.
18:23And he says to me, he says,
18:25Hey, you look knackered.
18:25And I'm thinking, yeah.
18:27And you look like you've had a pot noodle and a wank, mate.
18:29Did you send that to him?
18:30I shit you not.
18:32I shit you not.
18:32I'm seeing both of them tomorrow night.
18:34Oh.
18:34Coming out tonight still, though?
18:35Wednesday night, Raz?
18:36Yeah?
18:36Definitely.
18:37Yeah?
18:38You coming, jobless?
18:39Yeah, yeah.
18:40We've only got a conversation.
18:42Oh.
18:43Pot noodle and a wank.
18:44Yes, Wendy.
18:46I don't know where we're going tonight.
18:48Obviously, Finchie's a sophisticated guy.
18:50And Gareth's a culture vulture.
18:53So, you know, will it be opera?
18:54Ballet?
18:55I don't know.
18:56I know the RSC's in town, so.
18:59And having said that, at Chasers, it's hooch for a pound and Wonder Bras getting free
19:03night tonight.
19:04So, I don't know.
19:06I don't know who wins.
19:07It's exciting.
19:07I'm staying out of it.
19:16We've got a song.
19:24Who wants Fitch Finch?
19:25What?
19:26Chris Finch, good to meet you.
19:27This is a very good friend of mine, Sir David.
19:30I am.
19:31I'm joking.
19:31The only knighthood he's got a condom.
19:34Knighthood?
19:34Yeah, the condom, she...
19:35I'm saying, the joke works.
19:37It's good.
19:38Condom condoms come in all different flavors now don't they like strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?
19:47What are your names?
19:49I'm Lorna, this is Lindsay and Heather.
19:51Hi.
19:51Nice to meet you.
19:52Pleased to meet you.
19:53Pleased to meet you.
19:54Very nice to meet you.
19:56Nice to meet all of you, anyone's fine.
20:09I'm breaking it down.
20:11I'm not the same.
20:13I know you're feeling me.
20:15Cause you like it like this.
20:18Baby, baby, baby.
20:21You know you like it like this.
20:23Nice shirt.
20:24Cheers.
20:25See you now, Cecilia.
20:27How are you down there, love?
20:29You know how to say.
20:30One up the bum, no harm done.
20:32You haven't heard that before.
20:34Yeah.
20:37Christ, that'll do.
20:39Hey, have you been looking for a seat, love?
20:40You can sit on my face.
20:42No, don't, please.
20:43She's staying with me.
20:44Her dad will kill me.
20:45Leave it.
20:45Oh, you lucky bastard.
20:46Hey, that chair's a bit soft.
20:48Yeah, got it somewhat harder.
20:49Don't.
20:49Do it to other girls.
20:50That's fine.
20:51Please.
20:53Just...
21:04Yeah, we go there every Wednesday night.
21:05And it's a fun place.
21:06But it's full of loose women.
21:09My only problem with that is venereal disease.
21:12Which is...
21:13Disabilitating.
21:15Alright, especially for a soldier.
21:18And it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well.
21:20Alright, you've been under attack for days.
21:22There's a soldier down.
21:24He's wounded.
21:25Gangrene's setting in.
21:26Who's used all the penicillin?
21:28Oh, Mark Paxton, sir.
21:29He's got no bro off some tart.
21:31Has anybody got any beerers?
21:34Lovely.
21:46Coming through.
21:47La, la, la, la, la, la.
21:50Don't worry.
21:51I haven't got any balls.
21:54Vodka and Coke.
21:55Remembered.
21:56What am I drinking?
21:58Lager.
21:59Pint thereof.
22:00Yeah.
22:15They're coming up to me, one at a time, and they're going,
22:17Oh, will we be made redundant to David?
22:21And I'm going, No, over my dead body.
22:22And they're going, Don't put your neck on the line for us.
22:25I'm going, I will if I want to.
22:26No, because, well, they bend over backwards for me, you know.
22:30And not because they're scared of me, but because they love me.
22:33And I love them, you know.
22:35And you're going to love me as well.
22:37Not because of what I am, not anything sexual.
23:03Hey, what bike have you got?
23:04A nationalist 500.
23:06What's that?
23:06Hardy Davidson?
23:11Slough's nightlife is incredible.
23:14It's got two nightclubs, you've got Chasers, and New York, New York, and they call it the nightclub that never
23:20sleeps.
23:21That closes at one.
23:24There was, oh my god, a themed nightclub called Henry VIII, right?
23:29This was incredible.
23:30It had the Anne Boleyn alley, okay, this is true.
23:34So, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said, mind your head.
23:38Nice.
23:39And underneath someone had written, don't get your Hampton court.
23:43Yeah, it's not there anymore.
23:46But there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it.
24:04Who are you?
24:06Oh, have you not met me husband, Paul?
24:08Husband?
24:09Paul, is it all right if Gareth comes back with us?
24:12Fine.
24:12Husband?
24:13No way, I don't, no, not interested.
24:16No, I'm not having another fella involved, another girl, maybe, not another bloke.
24:20No, I wouldn't even want him watching.
24:22No, no way.
24:23Take my tears and let's not kill it all.
24:28Tainted love.
24:31Tainted love.
24:33Don't touch me, please.
24:36I cannot stand the way you tease.
24:39I love you, though you hurt me so.
24:42Now I'm gonna let my tainted go.
24:47Tainted love.
24:49Oh, oh, oh, tainted love.
24:51Hi.
24:54Hey, how's it going?
24:56Good to see you, all right?
24:59So now you know.
25:01Yeah, brilliant.
25:03What, you got a problem with Ricky?
25:04No, no, he's sleeping with everyone in the office.
25:06He's not even a permanent member of staff.
25:08Why would I prefer it if he's met with Gareth?
25:09Wouldn't happen.
25:10Oh, why, because he didn't go to university?
25:12No, because he's a little weasel-faced arse.
25:13Yeah, you can do worse than Gareth.
25:15He hasn't missed one day in his office from Earl Health.
25:18Don't call myself in command an arse-based weasel.
25:20A weasel-based arse.
25:21Same thing.
25:22Well, no, it's not.
25:23Would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel?
25:27Weasel, probably.
25:28Anyway, fuck this.
25:29Don't tell me who I can, I can't see.
25:31I hope you're not gonna sleep with a woman, David,
25:33because obviously you find sex so disgusting.
25:35That's a bit of a fine thing.
25:36He could pull in a brothel.
25:37I could, and I have.
25:39And yes, I will take her here with me if I want.
25:41I don't want to come home.
25:41She doesn't want to come home with me.
25:43I don't want you to come home with me.
25:44That's a waste of an hour.
25:46So the only reason you've been talking to me is because you want to shag me.
25:48Yeah, and from behind, because your breast stinks of onions, and I didn't tell you that, did I?
25:53Woo-hoo!
25:53What up the bum?
25:54No, I'm done.
25:55No.
25:55Don't be arse.
26:04This is the poem Slough by Sir John Betjeman.
26:08Probably never been here in his life.
26:11Come friendly bombs and fall on slough.
26:13It isn't fit for humans now.
26:15Right.
26:15I don't think you solve town planning problems by dropping bombs all over the place.
26:19So he's embarrassed himself there.
26:20Next.
26:21In labour-saving homes with care, their wives frizz out peroxide hair, and dry it in synthetic
26:27air, and paint their nails.
26:29They want to look nice.
26:30What's he got?
26:30Does he like girls?
26:32And talk of sports and makes of cars in various bogus Tudor bars, and daren't look up and
26:37see the stars, but belch instead.
26:39What's he on about?
26:40Was he never burped?
26:42Where are we going?
26:43You just...
26:43Where are we going?
26:44What do you mean?
26:44I'm going home, mate.
26:45No, one more drink.
26:45Let me have fun.
26:46No, I'm going home.
26:46Come on.
26:47One more drink.
26:47One more drink.
26:48David, are you?
26:48Life?
26:49Shut up.
26:49All life.
26:55Come friendly bombs and fall on slough, to get it ready for the plough.
26:58The cabbages are coming now.
27:00The earth excails.
27:01He's the only cabbage around here.