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00:03Of course, I ought to visit Daddy.
00:06Oh, really?
00:09It's my duty to visit Daddy.
00:11I suppose it is.
00:14And have you ever known me shirk my duty?
00:17Not a single shirk.
00:20Life is full of responsibilities.
00:26It's not that I mind visiting Daddy.
00:30Of course not.
00:31It's just that he's surrounded by such impossible people.
00:37Well, they're your family, Heisey.
00:40There are black sheep in the best regulated families.
01:09Are you ready for inspection, Richard?
01:12Hello, Liz.
01:13Yes.
01:14Hyacinth fancies are running the country.
01:17Don't suppose you'd like to make up a threesome?
01:19No.
01:21I'm going to be very busy.
01:23Very kind of you to ask.
01:30Good morning, Elizabeth.
01:33Morning, Hyacinth.
01:34How relaxed and casual you look.
01:38I ought to be gardening too, but Richard insists on taking me on an outing.
01:42Somewhere in the country.
01:44Somewhere educational, naturally.
01:46Soak up a little culture.
01:47I feel I owe it to Sheridan.
01:49Well, have a nice time.
01:50There's plenty of room if you'd care to...
01:52No.
01:53I think I'd better wait here in case my husband telephones.
01:57It's nice when they telephone, isn't it?
01:59Richard always telephones me when he's away, and Sheridan rings me continually.
02:05Was I away?
02:06Have I ever been away?
02:08I don't remember the precise occasion, dear, but I do remember that you telephoned.
02:13Funny.
02:14If you'd have asked me, I'd have sworn I'd never been away.
02:16It feels like I've never been away.
02:25Very nice, Richard.
02:33Our regards to your husband when he rings from the Far East.
02:37Tell him we often ask after him.
02:40I will, Hyacinth.
02:43Things like, why doesn't he come home more?
02:48Is their marriage happy, do you think?
02:50Oh, good Lord, yes.
02:51He lives abroad most of the time.
02:55Why doesn't he come home more often?
02:58I don't suppose he's formalising.
03:00Costs money.
03:02When he does come home, I do hope he won't be riddled with tropical ailments.
03:05For the first six months, we'll have to be very aware which glass he drinks from at my candlelight.
03:15Drive very slowly past number 23.
03:18I wanted to see my hat.
03:27Now, we can go the Langley way or through Ridley.
03:31Which way would you like to go?
03:34I wish you wouldn't leave everything to me, Richard.
03:39All right, I'll take the B road and we'll go the Langley way.
03:48I'd much rather we went the Ridley way.
03:52On second thoughts, I think we'll go the Ridley way.
03:55I'll turn around in the garage.
04:06You know, I really ought to visit Daddy first.
04:10Turn left for Daddy.
04:16On reflection, I think it'd be better to go and see Daddy on the way back.
04:19Turn around.
04:28No, my conscience is pricking me.
04:30I must put Daddy first.
04:33Left again.
04:39On second thoughts, I think it'd be better to go to Carlton Hall first.
04:43Before it becomes too crowded.
04:45Fucking thoughts.
04:56Anyway, I need time to prepare for Onslow.
04:59I can't stand the sight of Onslow lounging about, drinking beer in his undershirt.
05:11Watch the cyclist.
05:12I'm watching the cyclist.
05:14I see my eyes are riveted to the cyclist.
05:18Aren't we going too fast?
05:19This is a built-up area.
05:20I'm under the limit.
05:24Well, you went past number 23 too fast.
05:27Far too fast.
05:29She had no opportunity to see my hat.
05:33And watch the lorry.
05:35It's starring.
05:37There you are, you see.
05:38You can't even see the lorry.
05:39Where is it?
05:40Parked over there.
05:43Why should I watch a stationary lorry parked on the other side of a dual carriageway?
05:49I don't think I like your tone, Richard.
05:53Changing tone.
05:57Stop.
05:59Now, what's wrong?
06:01It's no good.
06:01I can't go blithely off into the country.
06:03I must visit Daddy.
06:19I better not park outside the house and block the street.
06:23How could my sister marry Onslow?
06:25Presumably she loved it.
06:27Don't be ridiculous.
06:28How can you love an Onslow?
06:30He sings on coach trips.
06:34I just pray I'm never seen here by people of our own social standing.
06:52I hate keeping Daddy in this environment.
06:55Daddy was born?
06:56That's not the impression I care to cultivate.
06:59I expect people to assume that I was born into the candlelight supper class.
07:04Don't you scream at me.
07:05I never touched your husband.
07:07I wouldn't touch him with a six-foot pole.
07:10I wish I could find a six-foot pole.
07:13Sort of younger Lech Wilensker.
07:16I can't help it if your husband throws himself at me.
07:20He was not encouraged.
07:22If he can't keep his hands off me, well, that's his problem.
07:26Saw me with him doing what?
07:29Well, she's lying.
07:31I don't care what you found in his car.
07:33They're not mine.
07:38What's the matter?
07:39Are we on fire?
07:40I've just seen a car pull up.
07:42It's our Harrison.
07:43Oh, God.
07:44Well, near enough.
07:46I'll have to go.
07:47I'll fight with you later.
07:50I wonder where I'd lost that pair.
07:53Help me tidy up.
07:55What's our Harrison doing here?
07:58I expect she's come to visit father.
08:00I wish she'd give us some notice.
08:02Like about three months.
08:05Put the kettle on, Rose.
08:07Make a cup of tea.
08:09Is Onslow getting up?
08:10Oh, you know Onslow.
08:11Not unless it's World War III.
08:13I have to go.
08:14Ooh, no.
08:23Oi!
08:24Oh, wait!
08:26Oh, no.
08:27No.
08:28Oh, no.
08:32Oh, no!
08:37Oh!
08:37Oh!
08:38Oh!
08:39Oh!
08:40Oh!
08:41Oh!
08:42Oh!
08:45You've woken the dog.
08:48Morning, monster.
08:49Good morning to him and I've just been savaged by his dog.
08:53Less noise, you daft bitch.
08:55And that goes for you as well, dog.
09:23Aren't you smoking too many, Rose?
09:26It helps keep your figure.
09:28It's amazing how many fellas she keeps it for.
09:30Shut your face on slow.
09:33Any more tea?
09:34Or more to the point?
09:36Any more beakers?
09:37You can have the rest of this.
09:39Ta.
09:45Well, how is Daddy?
09:47Daft as a brush.
09:48Quiet on slow.
09:49Well, he gets barmier.
09:51Does the dog live in the car?
09:53She likes the car.
09:54Yeah, so have you...
09:56I'm talking about Daddy.
09:57Sorry.
09:58I wish he'd live in the car.
10:07Who's a lovely girl, then?
10:10She's more than can be said for your hire since.
10:12Where did she get that at?
10:14The hat.
10:15Striking, isn't it?
10:17I don't know how you cope.
10:18Day in and day out.
10:20Oh.
10:22Get used to it.
10:23That's terrifying.
10:25That's the most frightening thing I've ever heard.
10:27How long have you had the dog?
10:29Oh, she adopted us last week.
10:31I thought she'd sleep with us on the bed, but she prefers the car.
10:36I've never had a dog, Dickie.
10:38No, I said can't do with a mess.
10:40You know, we ought to go out and have a drink sometime.
10:42You and me.
10:44What are you heading for today?
10:46The Hyacinth likes to visit these stately homes.
10:49We'll probably end up in Carden Hall.
10:52Carden Hall?
10:53That sounds really boring.
10:57Probably will be.
10:59It usually is.
11:10Right, where is the bitch?
11:12She's inside, love, upstairs.
11:14I'll kill her.
11:15I'll pluck her eyes out.
11:17Who is she?
11:20It's usually the wife of one of Rose's boyfriends.
11:26Who is she?
11:29Who am I?
11:30I might put down here to stop you out.
11:32Never mind who you are.
11:33You come first.
11:34I'll come first.
11:36Here you go.
11:36A drop more tea, Hyacinth.
11:38Tea?
11:39Haven't we better do something?
11:41There's a madwoman attacking Rose upstairs.
11:43Oh, no.
11:44Rose will be fine.
11:47She's very experienced.
11:49That seems to be the trouble.
11:52Poor Daddy lying sick in the next room,
11:54learning the sins of his youngest daughter at full volume.
11:58What does Daddy make of all these scenes?
12:00Oh, he never bothers, you know, Father.
12:03He's in a world of his own.
12:06Oh, he never bothers, you know, Father.
12:08That's yours.
12:10Oh, he never bothers, you know, Father.
12:16By the way, before you go, do you mind if I try your hat?
12:25Onslow hates me in a hat.
12:28No.
12:29No, I tell a lie.
12:30Onslow would never notice me in a hat.
12:32He can hardly raise a grunt these days
12:35for your best efforts in bra and black stockings.
12:41Will Rose be all right?
12:43Rose will be fine.
12:44Rose can handle wives.
12:46There's only one thing she handles more often,
12:48and that's husbands.
12:54Onslow?
12:56Somebody climbing down your drainpipe
12:58dressed in a balaclava and a fancy cape.
13:01What, are you being burgled?
13:03No, that's not a burglar.
13:05That's your father-in-law.
13:08Hyacinth's Daddy.
13:09What's he doing?
13:11This week he's being Captain Midnight,
13:13Sword of Justice.
13:15Spaking terror into the hearts of all evildoers.
13:18But is he any good at drainpipes?
13:23Not a lot.
13:25He's gone down the street.
13:27Hadn't we better get after him?
13:29Personally, I'm inclined not to bother.
13:30Really?
13:31He's only going to rescue her at the post office.
13:34What from?
13:35A fate worse than death, I think he said.
13:37At the hands of some totally hairless green people,
13:40fresh from outer space,
13:41and desperate for a white woman.
13:45I don't think we should tell Hyacinth.
13:47I'll go along with that.
13:50But how will we get him back?
13:52We'll get a couple of customers to bring him back.
13:55Really?
13:56It's the post office.
13:57They deliver.
14:02You're quite right.
14:04It could do with a coat of paint.
14:08I'm going to have to get the decorators in.
14:11I'm going to have to get the decorators in.
14:15Can't Anzlo decorate?
14:17My Anzlo?
14:19Oh, no.
14:21He's more your big idle slob.
14:25Oh, we warned you, Daisy, when you married him.
14:28I know.
14:29You have to give him marks for consistency.
14:32Listen.
14:33I can't hear anything.
14:34That's just it.
14:35I can't hear them arguing anymore.
14:37It's gone quiet.
14:38Deathly quiet.
14:40I don't like it.
14:42I warned Rose that her way of life would one day lead to tragedy.
14:47Nobody can show that amount of leg and expect to be guided supernaturally.
14:54I can't even hear our Rose smoking.
14:59Oh, my goodness.
15:00You don't think...
15:01Oh!
15:03Rose isn't usually violent!
15:05What about that other woman?
15:17Men?
15:18They're all swines.
15:19It's us women that suffer.
15:22Shouldn't it be it's we women who suffer?
15:25We'll make him pay.
15:27Oh, I'd like that.
15:28It would be a pleasure.
15:31I'll have to go get his dinner on.
15:34Take care.
15:35And you, love.
15:38That Rose, she knows what suffering is.
15:46You're a swine to your wife, you miserable, no-good...
15:50How do I know you're a swine to your wife?
15:52I'll tell you how I know you're a swine to your wife, because she's just left here.
15:56Oh, I bet that's just made his day.
15:58Daisy!
15:59Daddy's not in his room.
16:01Is he gone?
16:02He shouldn't be out on his own.
16:03He won't be on his own.
16:04He'll be in the grip of a couple of customers.
16:06Hmm?
16:07Probably women.
16:10Considerate.
16:10I expect he's helping them both safely across a busy road.
16:14And you can take your illustrated erotic books back.
16:18How you can spend money on them when your wife looks like she's...
16:22I haven't thought plastic's changed a mark yet.
16:24And I don't mean the black rubber clothing section.
16:27This is not the kind of telephone conversation you should be overhearing.
16:31You weren't all that terrific anyway.
16:33Books are no books.
16:35With your build, you'd no chance of getting past page 22.
16:41Just let's go.
16:43I've had enough for one day.
16:45I've had enough for days he married to Onslow,
16:46but to let him drink out of her beaker.
16:52And as for Rose,
16:54I suppose one ought to be grateful
16:55that at least she's misbehaving with someone literate.
17:01Well, you've done your duty.
17:02You've visited your father.
17:05I can't believe he tries to force himself on the post, mistress.
17:10Well, at least you know he's fit.
17:12Hmm?
17:14No, I expected something quite simple.
17:19Probably the effort of licking his stamps
17:21sent the blood rushing to his tongue
17:22and he stumbled towards her.
17:25Poor Daddy.
17:33It's Dickie I feel sorry for.
17:35She's got eyes everywhere.
17:37I really believe our hyacinth
17:39can see through laminated surfaces
17:41to the grime underneath.
17:43I'm going to have to clean that kitchen.
17:45If we all get stuck in,
17:47we could soon clean that kitchen.
17:54Lock yourself, Daisy.
17:56There's your father
17:57being taken home now.
17:59Do you want to stop?
18:01No, it's too embarrassing.
18:14That's not the kind of behaviour
18:15one expects from Captain Midnight.
18:35Afternoon.
18:3550p for the car park, please.
18:38Oh, can't be parking that little space
18:39nearer the house.
18:40Oh, that's reserved for the family, madam.
18:42I'm not saying I am family,
18:45but I have written to her ladyship
18:47from time to time
18:47for charitable purposes.
18:49I'm sure she'd remember
18:50my personal embossed writing paper,
18:53saffron with matching envelopes.
18:55You'll have to park
18:56in the public area, madam.
18:58It isn't as if we belong
18:59with the masses.
19:00I have a son at university.
19:02I'm sorry, madam.
19:03My husband is an officer
19:05of a large local authority.
19:07I wish you wouldn't involve me, Hyacinth.
19:09Enormous sums of money
19:10pass through his hands.
19:12I'd really rather
19:13just sit here in neutral.
19:14You'll have to park
19:15in the public area, madam.
19:17Well, I don't really...
19:18Hyacinth, it's not worth
19:18upsetting his lordship.
19:20Very well, dear.
19:25Drive on, Richard.
19:43Why do we always come to this room?
19:46Because it's near
19:47the family quarters, dear.
19:50One of these days,
19:51I shall catch his lordship's eye,
19:53or better yet,
19:54her ladyship's,
19:55and I shall strike up
19:57an acquaintance.
19:59And then we'll see
20:01who can park
20:02in the little private area.
20:06I've never seen
20:08anyone through there yet.
20:10Do be patient,
20:12Richard, dear.
20:13The important thing
20:14to remember
20:15about the aristocracy
20:16is their impeccable manners.
20:18Once we've established
20:19eye contact,
20:21we're almost honour-bound
20:22to be invited to tea.
20:24It's not very likely,
20:26Hyacinth.
20:28Another thing is
20:29that the aristocracy
20:30always recognise quality.
20:32Why am I wearing this hat?
20:36Let these people pass, Richard.
20:38No, no, after you.
20:39No, it's all right.
20:40We're waiting
20:41for his lordship.
20:44Oh, I am sorry.
20:45I thought you were just visitors.
20:47I know.
20:48People keep making that mistake.
21:09I'm never going to believe this.
21:11How much you got, Rose?
21:13Twenty.
21:15Fifty p, please, sir.
21:16See if you can find
21:17there's a bit of a slope
21:18to park on.
21:19Only this old bitch
21:20isn't too clever
21:20at starting again.
21:21I can believe that.
21:23Here.
21:24Have you had a well-polished
21:26car through here?
21:27Driver-looking shell-shocked.
21:28Woman with a big hat.
21:30She was murder.
21:33That's the one.
21:41We ought to move on
21:42a bit, Hyacinth.
21:43Now, do be patient, Richard.
21:46Absorb the picture.
21:47I've been absorbing it
21:48for ten minutes.
21:49Ten minutes?
21:51These works of art
21:52are painted to be enjoyed forever.
21:54It's beginning to feel
21:55like forever.
21:56We'll leave
21:57when I've had a glimpse
21:58of the family.
21:59What's the point?
22:01The point is to begin
22:03building up a relationship.
22:04That's the point.
22:06They don't know you
22:08from Adam.
22:09Like attracts.
22:11Like.
22:11They'll recognize breeding
22:13when they see it.
22:17Isn't that a lovely picture?
22:18I'm trying to remember
22:20the last time
22:21I met her ladyship.
22:25When?
22:26When did you meet her?
22:27We met, of course,
22:28the first time
22:29when she opened
22:30the garden party.
22:31You were in the crowd,
22:32that's all.
22:34She kept looking
22:35in my direction.
22:36I believe my deportment
22:37impressed her.
22:39I suppose the last time
22:41we were together
22:42must have been
22:43at that dinner
22:44after the gala performance
22:45of Swan Lake.
22:47She knows the family.
22:49They're friends
22:50of the family.
22:52Of course,
22:53her ladyship and I
22:54have worked together
22:55for charity.
22:57When was that?
22:58The garden party.
23:00And our families,
23:02her ladyship's and mine,
23:03are not without
23:04their links.
23:05My father, too,
23:07is no novice
23:07when it comes
23:08to carrying a sword.
23:11Are you up there,
23:11Dickie?
23:12I'm up there, too.
23:14Do you think
23:15it's a party?
23:17Answer.
23:29Did you tell him?
23:30Tell him what?
23:31You must have told it.
23:32Only in what?
23:33Where we were going.
23:34And then mentioned something.
23:35Fancy doing that.
23:37You practically invited him.
23:39I assume
23:40he's here now.
23:42He just can't
23:42keep running.
23:44I will not be found
23:46on stately premises
23:47in the company
23:47of someone
23:48who drinks beer
23:49in his undershirt.
23:51Only when he
23:51can afford it.
23:53Look,
23:54I don't think
23:54Hyacinth will welcome it
23:55when we do find her.
23:58What about that
23:59car park attendant?
24:00I rather like
24:01that car park attendant.
24:02Oh.
24:03I don't know
24:04why you want to
24:04spend the afternoon
24:05with Hyacinth.
24:07I don't want to
24:08spend the afternoon
24:09with your Hyacinth.
24:10It's your father
24:11who's senile,
24:12not me.
24:13We're here
24:13to rescue
24:14poor old Dickie.
24:15He's the one
24:16I feel sorry for.
24:17I just thought
24:18someone should
24:18rescue him
24:19and get some
24:20berries down him.
24:28the hells you call that.
24:31It's art.
24:33Art?
24:35I wouldn't wrap
24:36me chips up in it.
24:37Listen to me, Rose,
24:38what do you reckon
24:39to this?
24:59They're coming this way.
25:01Come on.
25:15Richard!
25:42Can I help you?
25:43Well, this is not
25:46a public area,
25:47you know.
25:48It's all right.
25:50I'm a friend
25:51of the family's.
25:53Her ladyship
25:53and I are
25:54old acquaintances,
25:55so it would be
25:56very unwise of you
25:57to start getting
25:58officious.
25:59Oh, yes, but...
25:59We're merely hiding
26:01from some
26:01unacceptable person
26:03who's trying
26:03to pursue us.
26:04There are such
26:05odd people about,
26:06I'm sure you understand.
26:10How was I to know
26:11that that was
26:12his lordship?
26:14He looked like
26:14the gardener.
26:17He must be
26:17very low down
26:18on the aristocratic
26:19scale if he looks
26:20like a gardener.
26:22I think it's
26:23irresponsible.
26:25He's no right
26:26to look like a gardener.