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00:09Try not to make a noise in the bathroom, dear.
00:14Did you say something?
00:16I said try not to make a noise in the bathroom, Richard.
00:20Was I making a noise?
00:21Look, I don't wish to dwell on it, dear,
00:24but it's always been a principle of mine
00:26that bathrooms should be seen and not heard.
00:30LAUGHTER
00:35Onslow.
00:36Hmm?
00:38What's limpid?
00:42What?
00:44What's limpid, as in, he gazed into her limpid eyes?
00:50L-I-M-P-I-D.
00:53Limpid eyes?
00:54That's what it says here.
00:57Almost certainly a disease of the retina.
01:02Little scabs on the retina.
01:06You get it from reading too many library books
01:08and ignoring close relatives who are dying for a cup of tea.
01:12LAUGHTER
01:13You made all that up, didn't you?
01:15You say that to me, a regular viewer of the Open University.
01:20You're full of flannel, Onslow.
01:22Ah, yes, but educated flannel.
01:24Flannel up to degree standard.
01:27LAUGHTER
01:28Well, clearly, you understand all this.
01:32And thank you for calling and trying to explain
01:34these intricate life insurance details.
01:37It's been a pleasure, madam.
01:39You've been a very patient consultant.
01:41Yes, indeed.
01:44LAUGHTER
01:48I'm afraid most of it washes over me,
01:51but I shall check it all with my son, Sheridan.
01:54He's the wizard at detail.
01:56I did mention Sheridan, didn't I?
01:58Yes, ma'am.
01:59One of the most brilliant minds of his generation
02:02and still not too proud to love his mummy.
02:06Yes, well, I must be going.
02:08I've got another appointment, you see.
02:09In fact, I should be there.
02:10He's at university, you know.
02:12I shall scrutinise it all with him
02:14and if he says,
02:15yes, go ahead with the policy,
02:16then I shall, of course, be in touch with you.
02:19You're halfway there, really.
02:21Oh, thank you.
02:22I did enjoy our little chat.
02:24Though I've forgotten most of it, I have to admit.
02:26But not to worry,
02:28Sheridan will take me through it step by step.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:35Come along, I thought you were in a hurry.
02:37I do like firms who employ people who wear hats.
02:41It's very reassuring to be solicited
02:43by a gentleman wearing a hat.
02:45Goodbye.
02:58Silly Billy, you nearly forgot your hat.
03:01LAUGHTER
03:06LAUGHTER
03:07LAUGHTER
03:09LAUGHTER
03:09LAUGHTER
03:10LAUGHTER
03:26Finance and general purposes.
03:28Oh, it's you, Hyacinth.
03:31No, of course I'm pleased to hear from you.
03:33I didn't mean it like that.
03:34Well, it wasn't intended to be a critical tone,
03:37perhaps a small element of surprise, that's all I'm...
03:41LAUGHTER
03:42I'm sitting here buried under departmental printouts.
03:46Well, you've had a nice young man selling you on?
03:49Well, do we need any more insurance?
03:52Well, why ask Sheridan?
03:54What does Sheridan know about?
03:56No, of course I'm not criticising Sheridan.
04:00Heaven forbid.
04:01But, well, it's just that finance isn't really his gift.
04:05Or why is he taking needlework as a major subject?
04:09LAUGHTER
04:10And should we be thinking about any more insurance
04:13when there's a possibility that I may have to take early retirement?
04:17Oh, ye gods.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:19Early retirement.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25Richard!
04:27Richard!
04:28You've stopped listening.
04:29I can feel it.
04:30LAUGHTER
04:32LAUGHTER
04:38Oh, Elizabeth, dear.
04:39Do come in.
04:41I'm on the telephone.
04:42Oh, but don't let that worry you.
04:45I'm not stopping.
04:46I just wondered if there was anything you wanted from town.
04:48That's very kind of you.
04:50Just wait for a minute, will you,
04:52while I try to re-establish contact with my husband.
04:54Has he left the office?
04:55I think he's left the planet.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:57It's the prospect of early retirement.
05:00But I've told him,
05:02it's going to be wonderful for us
05:04to be able to spend so much more time together.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:09Richard!
05:10Come back to us, Richard!
05:13Richard!
05:13LAUGHTER
05:13He's not listening.
05:16There's one thing irritates me more than another,
05:18it's people not listening.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20Oh, you'll never guess who I saw this morning.
05:22Did you, dear? That's nice.
05:24LAUGHTER
05:24LAUGHTER
05:28Richard!
05:30Oh, I can't understand what's got into him.
05:33Other people remain calm about early retirement.
05:37Her brother-in-law, Arnslow, has been taking it in his stride for years.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:45Dad's gone off!
05:48What do you mean, he's gone off?
05:50He's been past his cell by date for years.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:53He's not there! That's how he's gone off!
05:57He's not in his room! He's missing!
05:59Well, he's not a prisoner.
06:01We can't chain him up all day.
06:03I should think not.
06:04Make his poor old eyes grow limpid.
06:08LAUGHTER
06:09You'd better find him before he gets up to some mischief
06:12that our Hyacinth hears about.
06:13Why should he get up to any mischief?
06:16That's a rough guess, I'd say,
06:17because it's more fun than just sitting there
06:19playing with his pyjama cord.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:22What are we going to do?
06:24If I ever get senile days,
06:25promise you'll not let me become a virtuoso
06:28on the pyjama cord.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:31You never wear pyjamas.
06:34Isn't that uncanny?
06:36LAUGHTER
06:37Education's a wonderful thing.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:44Richard, I'm getting phone calls for you.
06:47People say your line's always busy.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:52Richard, are you on the phone or not on the phone?
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58Richard?
07:00Hmm?
07:02Is there still someone on the other end
07:03and nor are you just holding it for display, but...
07:07Other end.
07:12LAUGHTER
07:14Oh, my God, Hyacinth, she'll kill me.
07:18Uh...
07:18Hello, yeah, I was just called away there for a minute.
07:21Hyacinth?
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24She's hung up.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:26Richard, are you all right?
07:28Of course, Frank, I'm fine.
07:30Fine.
07:47What's the matter with it?
07:48It won't go, that's what's the matter with it.
07:51Do something before Hyacinth comes out.
07:53I'm doing my best.
07:55LAUGHTER
07:57It's too late.
07:59Now, don't let's have any unpleasantness.
08:01Just keep your temper.
08:03Having trouble?
08:05No.
08:06We're just sitting here, talking to the engine.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:10I suppose it's bound to happen with these old cars.
08:14It's not that old.
08:16Temper?
08:17Temper?
08:18Oh, isn't it, dear?
08:20Well, I'm sure you should know.
08:22I've put the kettle on,
08:24so come in and ring your garage man,
08:26then have a coffee till he arrives.
08:29LAUGHTER
08:30I knew she'd come out.
08:31Now, don't be unkind.
08:32She's invited you for coffee.
08:34I can't tell you with what bliss that fills me.
08:38Unkind.
08:40Yeah!
08:45Don't drop it.
08:47Now, this is the cup that was awarded to Sheridan
08:50for doing a width doggy paddle.
08:52He was only 12 at the time.
08:55Mind you, he was very tall for his age.
08:57We were holidaying for a fortnight on the Cornish Riviera.
09:01And this is the certificate
09:03that was presented to Sheridan
09:05for collecting seashells.
09:08He used to bring his mummy the prettiest ones.
09:10He still remembers all the Latin names.
09:13That must be very handy.
09:16And how's...
09:17How's Sheridan doing at the Poly, Hyacinth?
09:20It's university standard, you know.
09:22Brilliantly.
09:22Though he'd be very cross with me for telling you so.
09:25Like his mummy, he's modest to a fault.
09:29Has he got a girlfriend yet?
09:31No, he has not.
09:32He's there to study.
09:34I keep telling him,
09:36Sheridan,
09:36first carve out a brilliant career for yourself
09:39and then think about girls.
09:40The proper sort, of course.
09:43Someone like mummy.
09:44I shouldn't wonder.
09:47Oh, excuse me.
09:49That could very well be Sheridan now.
09:55The Bacay residence,
09:57the lady of the house speaking.
09:59Oh, it's you, Violet.
10:01It's my sister, Violet.
10:03The one with her own Mercedes,
10:05swimming pool and room for a sauna.
10:07I've told you about Violet.
10:09Yes.
10:10Hello, Violet, dear.
10:12How are you?
10:13I've got Elizabeth and Emmett here.
10:15You remember Elizabeth from next door?
10:18Her husband works abroad somewhere,
10:20one of those Arab countries.
10:22Yes, you've met her at one of my candlelight suppers.
10:24She drops things.
10:28She's here with her brother, Emmett.
10:31He's divorced,
10:32but I can't imagine why
10:33he plays the piano so beautifully.
10:37Yes, he's very musical.
10:39He runs the local amateur operatic society.
10:43No, he hasn't talked me into it yet.
10:51That's enough of my gossip, dear.
10:52How are you?
10:54Oh, my word.
10:59Violet's Bruce is opening new offices.
11:03Oh, really?
11:06Violet thinks Bruce
11:07will probably be made
11:08president of his local association.
11:12Oh!
11:16Violet thinks Bruce
11:17is having an affair with...
11:25A secretary?
11:27Violet, how do you know
11:28he's having an affair, dear?
11:31Now, look,
11:32you can't ruin a perfectly good marriage
11:34and jeopardise your Mercedes
11:37on account of some unfounded suspicions.
11:40Lipstick on his jacket.
11:42But, I mean,
11:42he could have just brushed
11:43accidentally past...
11:45on his pyjama jacket.
11:49Well, he should be glad
11:50he was wearing pyjamas.
11:53What do you mean
11:53I should see what he's wearing now?
11:57He's dressed as a jockey
11:58riding about
11:59on a horse called Thunderbolt.
12:01Now, look, Violet, dear,
12:03I know he's a turf accountant,
12:04but is it really necessary
12:06to do his own advertising?
12:09Couldn't he get somebody else
12:10to dress as a jockey
12:11and ride about on Thunderbolt?
12:14What about that secretary?
12:15She seems to be willing
12:16to take on extra duties.
12:19Sorry, I was only trying
12:20to be helpful.
12:28Who's gonna tell her?
12:29You tell her you're the eldest.
12:32She's the eldest?
12:33I'm only the second eldest.
12:35Well, there you are, then.
12:36I'll tell her.
12:37You'll be too blunt.
12:39Are you suggesting
12:40I lack tact?
12:42Because I love you,
12:43it doesn't blind me
12:44to your faults.
12:47Oh, faults.
12:48Oh, come on,
12:50let's get it over with.
13:04I should have tidied up.
13:05You look all right to me.
13:08Oh, on slow.
13:11Oh, no.
13:14Can you look at me for a minute?
13:20Well, now you've finished
13:20your coffee,
13:21you'll be wanting
13:21to get back
13:22to your broken car.
13:26Do they need to tame you?
13:28No!
13:29Not that way.
13:30No.
13:30I think we'll go out
13:31through the back door.
13:32It makes a change.
13:34You must be lazy again,
13:36arse man.
13:38And I'll show you
13:39when I think
13:40I've seen a wren.
13:41I'm sure it was a wren.
13:42I said to Richard,
13:43Richard,
13:43that's a wren.
13:48You know what I think?
13:51I think she doesn't
13:52want us in.
13:53Did you get the impression
13:54she doesn't want us in?
13:57Well, don't stand there.
13:58Come in.
13:59She doesn't want us in.
14:02Really wants us in.
14:04Where did you park the car?
14:06Oh, nice and close,
14:07I see.
14:27Now, mind the walls.
14:29Keep Onslow off my walls.
14:31I remember the last time
14:32how he came off
14:32on my wallpaper.
14:34Mind the walls, Onslow.
14:35Oh, nice.
14:36Do I look like somebody
14:37who comes off
14:37on wallpaper?
14:39What musical neighbour
14:41of yours,
14:41the one that's divorced?
14:43Mr Hawksworth.
14:44He's fine.
14:45He must be lonely.
14:47I bet he needs
14:49somebody sympathetic
14:50with limpid eyes.
14:54Would you all like a coffee?
14:56Haven't you got
14:57anything stronger?
14:58Onslow, you're driving.
15:00We'd love a coffee.
15:02You'll have a beaker,
15:03of course, Onslow.
15:04Of course.
15:05Tell her.
15:06You tell her.
15:07Well, one of you, tell her.
15:09He's your father.
15:10Daddy.
15:11What's wrong with Daddy?
15:12A mixture of expensive tastes
15:14and second childhood.
15:16He's all right.
15:17He's perfectly happy.
15:19Poor Daddy.
15:20One's such a brilliant mind.
15:22When?
15:25He sneaked out this morning
15:27and went shopping.
15:28Good gracious.
15:29We can't begrudge Daddy
15:30a little personal shopping.
15:32Tell her what they said
15:34he spent.
15:36Tell her what they said
15:37he spent.
15:39They phoned.
15:41Look at this.
15:45He spent all this
15:47in the toy department.
15:48Two hundred and thirty-five quid.
15:54That's why we came
15:55to you, Hyacinth.
15:56We can't afford it
15:57on our own.
15:58Where's Daddy now?
16:00Still in the toy department.
16:02They're keeping him
16:03as security.
16:06I'd let them keep him.
16:09He'll be happy
16:10in the toy department.
16:11I will not have Daddy
16:12imprisoned in the toy department.
16:15Why can't they just
16:15take their toys back?
16:17Some fool
16:18lent him a screwdriver.
16:20He's been improving a few.
16:28Yes, yes,
16:29the toy department.
16:30But couldn't it wait
16:31until lunchtime?
16:32All right, all right.
16:33I'll be there.
16:35Yes, with my checkbook.
16:37But, Hyacinth,
16:37can I just ask you
16:38one question?
16:40Why does your father
16:41need a spaceman's outfit?
16:47It was a perfectly
16:48reasonable question.
16:56Are you having trouble
16:57with the car?
16:58It's all right, Onslow.
16:59The man from the garage
17:00is on his way.
17:01I'll be waiting
17:02all day for him.
17:03No, Onslow, Onslow.
17:05We can drop you in town
17:06if you want a lift.
17:07That's very good of you.
17:08Oh, well, thank you.
17:10Are you sure
17:11there'll be enough room?
17:13Oh,
17:14there'll be enough room.
17:28that's the dogs.
17:34Oh, looks like I'm going to have to sit on someone's knee.
17:46Oh, if I'm too heavy.
17:48Oh, just wriggle a bit.
17:51Are we all set, then?
17:53Right.
17:54Hold on to your braces.
17:56Here we go.
18:23Daddy.
18:24Okay.
18:25Okay.
18:26Daddy.
18:26Okay.
18:26Daddy?
18:31Suppose it is Daddy.
18:33What if it's not Daddy?
18:39You all comfy in the back?
18:42Very snug, thank you.
18:46I'm not terribly comfy.
18:49Soon be there.
18:52Sorry about that. I think my suspension's gone.
18:56Good job Eberts hasn't.
19:06He went that way with an accomplice.
19:09Call the police!
19:19You're gonna wear him out.
19:27Where would you like to be put down, Elizabeth?
19:31It's a little better, I think.
19:33Here, if you like. I can pull in here.
19:42Oh, I think I've got Mr. Leto's stop.
19:51I enjoyed the ride.
19:55It was interesting.
19:58We must do that again sometime.
20:01Get in the car, Rose!
20:05Well, thank you, Onslow.
20:08No problem.
20:09I should take Emmet for a cup of tea.
20:11He looks a bit overgrown.
20:17At least I'm not heavy.
20:21Maybe not, but I bet you've left a lasting impression.
20:25Oh, you do. Let's get on.
20:27I have some important business to attend to.
20:36All the while I was married, I don't believe I ever felt as close to anyone as that.
20:40You certainly didn't seem to be struggling.
20:44Well, I couldn't actually leave.
20:46I was a guest in the car.
20:49Do you want a cup of tea?
20:51No.
20:53I think something's stronger.
20:58Daddy!
21:01Don't go so quickly!
21:07There you are.
21:09Isn't that your counsellor friend, Mrs. Nugent?
21:13Oh, yes, it did it, sir.
21:15No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
21:18I'll get out of the slide.
21:23Wait here.
21:24I can't. I'm on a yellow line.
21:26Well then, drive round the block and then you can take Daddy home when we've sorted things out.
21:52Oh, Mrs. Councilor Nugent.
21:56Thank you, driver.
21:58Good morning!
21:59Why are you wasting money on cabs?
22:02Oh, please.
22:03You know how husbands commandeer the car.
22:06Damned expensive waste of money.
22:08Except my sister Violet, of course, who has her own Mercedes.
22:12I've told you about my sister Violet.
22:14I have a bicycle.
22:16I believe in the therapeutic value of the bicycle.
22:19My son Sheridan was a keen cyclist.
22:22It's partly to that that we attribute his brilliant mind.
22:26Are you going into the store?
22:29No, I'm just looking.
22:30Oh, well, I'll be off then.
22:34Give my regards to your busy husband.
22:36And I hope you'll come to one of my candlelight supper sometime.
22:40Bring me bicycle.
22:41Goodbye.
22:43One second, folks.
22:45There's no harm in having a look round.
22:47Oh, I suppose not.
22:48You might find something to interest you.
23:01That was a damn short visit.
23:03What are you doing, woman?
23:05But didn't you hear the fire alarm?
23:07I didn't hear a blasted thing.
23:09I didn't see one either.
23:24Tennis elbow.
23:31Please.
23:32Ah, the alarm stopped.
23:34What alarm?
23:35I think it's all clear now.
23:38Look at these doors.
23:43They are what's going now.
23:46Sunglasses.
23:49Now, you try these, trust me.
23:51I have an instinct for these things.
23:52Wear sunglasses.
23:54Well, you should.
23:55They're absolutely you.
23:56I can't see a damn thing.
24:04Where's the woman gone?
24:06Mrs Bucket!
24:08Do you want to buy these, madam?
24:10No, I don't want to buy these, madam.
24:21Good morning.
24:25What are you doing?
24:27I don't want to buy them.
24:28No, Daddy.
24:32Oh, that's better.
24:34I hate it when my back goes.
24:38It's all right.
24:39I've explained everything, and I've paid the cheque.
24:42If there's anything else your father needs from the toy department,
24:46we shall be only two happy.
24:50Richard.
24:52Take me home, dear.
24:53I've had a terrible day.
24:55If my Sheridan were here, he'd be appalled.
25:10Now, where's Daddy?
25:12I thought you were happy.
25:14Oh!
25:23Put him in Oslo's car.
25:30Come on, Daddy.
25:31Back to Moon Base One.
25:33Come on, Daddy.
25:43Poor Daddy.
25:45To think he was one's secretary of his firm's sports and social club.
25:49I knew that.
25:50Oh, yes. A very good slow bowler in his day.
25:54He's not too bad with a laser.
25:57Given the educational opportunities available today,
26:01I believe Daddy would have risen to be something quite famous.
26:04If he carries on like this, he is going to be quite famous.
26:08I could have been very proud of Daddy. I still am, of course.
26:12I've had him to live with us, but he's unreliable in the bathroom.
26:22I wish you wouldn't argue, Richard.
26:25Why do you always start an argument?