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00:06why are we having a barbecue it's freezing because four days ago it was really hot
00:11come on this is fun all right let's play a drinking game okay i'll start never have i ever
00:17kissed two boys on the same night guilty
00:23me next never have i ever accidentally booked a neo-nazi to headline a music festival
00:29for three nights without a backup plan girl you said you wouldn't bring the hug okay okay okay
00:38never have i ever been friends with jeffrey epstein
00:50is that melania trump i said never have i ever been friends with billionaire pedophile jeffrey
00:59epstein what are you doing in a garden in croydon i am here to stop you nasty people spreading
01:06rumors about me we weren't doing that we weren't even talking about you
01:15are you okay of course not now let's play let's play a new game okay uh truth or dare
01:25oh my god how dare you accuse me of female friendship with short-haired sex trafficker
01:32gizlin maxwell why do you keep bringing up all the epstein stuff yeah like your husband literally
01:39started a war to distract us from it it was kind of working to be fair to the land yeah
01:43new game
01:45charades i'll go first is it the epstein files yes and oh look i am not in them
01:57god this area has changed so much since they opened that gales
02:03uh look it was really nice meeting you but we're gonna go back inside good idea let's go inside
02:10not you you're making it weird i beg for one last chance i have no friends
02:20since they all randomly died in a maximum security prison
02:26fine but this is legit your last chance diva okay okay final game two truths and lie
02:33i love my new friends oh i like poor people
02:41when i just said away
02:52it's saturday night live
02:56Chris
03:01Amis Amemichelle
03:07Ayawade Ramoyen
03:13Larry D
03:21Celeste Briggs
03:27George Borregan
03:33Anya Magliano
03:39Annabelle Marlowe
03:44Al Nash
03:49Jack Jack
03:55And the city
04:03Honey Young
04:10Musical guest
04:12Georgia Smith
04:19Annabelle Marlowe
04:43Annabelle Marlowe
04:44Annabelle Marlowe
04:51Annabelle Marlowe
04:52Amis Amemichelle
05:00Ayawade Ramoyen
05:04Larry D
05:06Larry D
05:12Celeste Briggs
05:15Celeste Briggs
05:17George Borregan
05:30Annabelle Marlowe
05:32Annabelle Marlowe
05:47Annabelle Marlowe
05:54Annabelle Marlowe
05:56Annabelle Marlowe
06:17Annabelle Marlowe
06:21Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall!
06:39Hello, good evening! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
06:42I'm Jack Whitehall, and I'm so excited to be your host tonight.
06:45And can I start by saying, what an amazing series it has already been.
06:49SNL UK, crushing it, with some amazing hosts as well.
06:55Week one, they had SNL royalty.
06:58Week two, they had an international sex symbol.
07:01Week three, an Academy Award winner.
07:04And this week, you guys get the star of Clifford the Big Red Dog.
07:09Oh yeah, the stuff of dreams.
07:13SNL UK, I love that. Do you know what else I love?
07:16I love that finally, we've taken one of their shows, right?
07:21Yeah, America's had enough of ours.
07:23Yeah, they had The Office, The Bake Off.
07:26They had that one, the reality show My Fiancé Loves.
07:29The one where they follow the dating lives of people with learning difficulties.
07:34Love Island. Love Island, that's the one.
07:38You weren't sure about that one? It's fine.
07:41You can edit it out.
07:42No, I...
07:44This is a big deal, this is a big deal hosting this, but do you know what?
07:47It's not even the biggest thing that's going on in my life right now, because next week,
07:50I am genuinely getting married.
07:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:55Yeah, I really shouldn't be here.
07:57I am the groom though, that's very much a ceremonial role, I just am there to nod everything through.
08:02It has been noted. The other day, my fiancé turned to me, she went,
08:05Jack, in one of those meetings with the wedding planners, when they were talking to you,
08:08it was literally like they were talking to a wall.
08:11I was thinking, yeah, a wall with a cash machine in it.
08:16It is honestly out of control.
08:18The flowers, the canapes, the band.
08:21We only went and booked bloody Scott Mills as the wedding DJ.
08:26Not seeing that deposit again.
08:29Everything has to be bespoke as well. Bespoke.
08:32That is a word right now that makes my sphincter clench.
08:36She insisted on having bespoke invitations, right, these ridiculous things.
08:41It was like on a fold-out booklet, handwritten in quill by a blind Franciscan monk.
08:47Bits of parchment paper that had been ripped out the back of the Magna Carta,
08:51sealed with a gold ribbon and delivered to all of our guests via peacock.
08:56They asked me all I wanted for invitations.
08:58I said, what is wrong with a WhatsApp group?
09:01Simple, efficient, easy to kick anyone off if they asked to bring a child.
09:06Nope. Had to fork out for a calligrapher instead.
09:09A calligrapher. How is that still even a thing?
09:13Every day I read about how AI is coming for our jobs.
09:16How has it not come for the calligraphers already?
09:20How is a calligrapher affording his mortgage in 2026?
09:24Oh, I'll tell you how. This schmuck here.
09:28Really gone for the calligraphy community tonight.
09:31You can already see it. I'm going to get a load of angry letters in beautiful handwriting.
09:38We over-invited as well.
09:40The other day, my missus, she turned to me and she said,
09:43Oh, Jack, you know, sometimes I wish that it could just be me and you.
09:47You couldn't have mentioned that before?
09:50Where was this attitude six months ago?
09:53I don't want to see any of these people.
09:55I've spent the last two months praying for another pandemic.
10:00Thankfully, though, I did save a little bit of money on the honeymoon.
10:03Oh, yeah, she wanted to go on a romantic cruise.
10:06I got an unbelievable deal on two weeks narrowboating down the straits of Hormuz.
10:13Bargain and a free fireworks display every night.
10:18Honestly, though, it's like planning a royal wedding.
10:21Literally, in that the whole thing could be ruined if my uncle turns up.
10:30We're doing that as well at the moment, the seating plan.
10:32That's very stressful, right?
10:34I don't want to be too indiscreet, but we've got these two guests coming, right?
10:37And they slept together like years ago, and now they do not talk.
10:42I know, awkward.
10:43I was like, surely we put them at opposite ends of the marquee.
10:46But my fiance is insisting that my mum and dad sit together.
10:54It's so nice to be.
10:55It's so nice to be here this evening as well, to have a little bit of a distraction.
10:59Thank you, because...
11:03I'm going to let you into a little secret.
11:05Tonight is also the night that my fiance is on a hen do.
11:08So it's really nice to be here.
11:11Yeah, I'm here with you, cracking gag.
11:12She is currently in Soho getting dry humped by one of Magic Mike.
11:17Which also means that, technically, this is kind of my second stag.
11:21Oh, yeah!
11:23We're going to have so much fun this evening, guys.
11:25Stick around for some hilarious sketches and music from the amazing Georgia Smith!
11:33And then one of the top 50 for Gary Thomas.
11:37One, two, three, one, three, one, three, one.
11:39Gary is still the highest scoring striker ever to play for Albion.
11:43And he owes a lot to the first man ever to teach him to kick a ball.
11:47His old school teacher, Ted Bagley.
11:51He probably won't recognise me, because he won't believe it's me.
11:56Hello, Gary.
11:58Long time no see.
12:01Mr Bagley, you're alive.
12:05I'm alive, he says.
12:07How are you doing?
12:09Someone said you was dead.
12:10I'm so glad, how well you've done for yourself.
12:16You're so supportive, you're kind of like having answers, kind of like your special guy.
12:21Hello, Gary.
12:24Mrs Todd.
12:27Someone said you was dead.
12:28Well, I'm not as sprightly as they used to be, but still going.
12:32Truth be told, I was only his substitute French teacher for a couple of weeks,
12:36when Monsieur Durand was helping the police with their enquiries.
12:39But we're all so proud of Gary.
12:46Hello, Gary, son.
12:51Dad, no, hold on, look, definitely dead.
12:54Look, definitely dead.
12:55Not yet, boy.
12:57That's all you learned into the grant.
12:59No, man, I was never in there.
13:03I left his mother, and we agreed it were better, he thought I was dead.
13:08I'd only moved two streets over.
13:15Hello, Gary.
13:18My God.
13:20It's the jugger I hit on that misty country lane.
13:24But I finished it off with a brick before I fled the scene.
13:27I ended up sticking a metal plate in me bonce.
13:30I can't believe it.
13:33That freaky, you scored against Watford.
13:39Oh, run, babe.
13:46Dobby.
13:47Master Gary.
13:48I thought he was both dead as well.
13:54I'm so proud of you, Master Gary.
14:01You want Gary Thomas.
14:04You want Gary Thomas.
14:13All right, lads, you hear that?
14:15There's 50,000 people counting on us.
14:17Let's get fired up.
14:20Three points, boys.
14:21Are we going to do it?
14:22We got this.
14:23Let's score goals and have them score no goals.
14:25All right.
14:26Hey, guys.
14:27Hey, guys.
14:28I'm just bringing in your mascots for the day.
14:31Now, these are our lucky competition winners.
14:34Say hello to the boys.
14:35All right.
14:37Now, once you've walked out there and said hello to the big crowd,
14:40I'll take you to mum and dad, okay?
14:43Thanks, lads.
14:44You doing this, it really makes some of these kids' days.
14:46All right.
14:47All right, lads, let's do this.
14:48Let's go!
14:50Hey, guys.
14:51Quick question before we go out.
14:53Yes, Jonesy.
14:54Does anyone want to swap kids?
15:01What do you mean swap kids?
15:04Well, like, one of you guys walks out with my kid and I walk out with one of your kids.
15:09I don't like my one.
15:13I mean, what's wrong with your one?
15:15Well, look, something's off about it.
15:18No, man, they're just kids, man.
15:19Let's get out there and play.
15:20Yeah, but that's the thing, though.
15:22I feel like if I walk out there with this one, I'm going to play badly.
15:26That's ridiculous.
15:27Who cares what kid you walk out with, man?
15:29Well, if you don't care, why don't we swap?
15:31No one's swapping kids.
15:33That's easy for you to say.
15:34You got a good one.
15:35Leave it.
15:37This is the derby.
15:38No distractions.
15:39Yeah, man, no distractions.
15:40This is so unfair.
15:42Last week when we played Fulham, I got the worst one then, too, but I didn't say anything.
15:46And then I played really badly.
15:48So this time I'm speaking up.
15:50Oh, God's sake.
15:51Oh, my God's sake.
15:52Maybe we should just swap out of kids.
15:54Are you serious?
15:56Just do it, Woodsy, so we can get out there.
15:59Fine, but just so you know, this is ridiculous.
16:01Sorry, man, get it.
16:03There you go.
16:06There, happy?
16:09I really appreciate it.
16:10Oh, okay.
16:10Ready, lads?
16:11We're ready.
16:12Let's go.
16:13Actually, no.
16:13What?
16:14This one's worse.
16:16Are you serious right now?
16:18Yeah, I'm going to be honest.
16:19Now that I've got this one, I'm getting big adolescence vibes.
16:23Couldn't tell from far away.
16:25All right, well, I'm not swapping back if that's what you're asking.
16:27Yeah, of course you don't want to swap back.
16:29You tricked me into accepting an absolute stinker and got away with it.
16:33Well, that's your problem, isn't it?
16:34Oh, hang on, bro.
16:35Did you willingly swap kids knowing your one was worse than Jonesy's?
16:39That's not on.
16:40Yeah, not cool, Woodsy.
16:41All right, so what have I did?
16:42I'm a captain.
16:43I stand at the front.
16:44I should get one of the best kids.
16:47Guys, guys, this is getting toxic.
16:49We need a random reshuffle of the kids.
16:51And that's big of me to suggest, considering I've probably got the best one I've had all season.
16:55What are you talking about?
16:56You always get the good ones.
16:57I always get the bad kids.
16:58That's not true.
17:00Guys, guys, we had a good system when I was at Burnley.
17:03We wrote each kid on a piece of paper and pulled them from a hat.
17:06But if you got man of the match the week before and you weren't happy with your first kids,
17:11you were allowed for one to redraw.
17:13It sounds all right.
17:15Guys, guys, guys, listen to yourselves.
17:18This might sound crazy, but why don't we ask the kids who they want to go with?
17:21They might have a favorite player.
17:22Could really make their day.
17:24Shut up.
17:24Are you talking about that?
17:25I vote for the Burnley system.
17:27Right, Burnley system it is.
17:29I'll get a hat.
17:30Start the game without me.
18:08Hello, and welcome to Mastermind with me, Clive Myrie.
18:12I'm so good I can host quiz shows, but Stephen Mulhern could never read the news.
18:18Let's welcome our first contender.
18:28Your name?
18:29Ben Michael.
18:31Your occupation?
18:32Something in IT.
18:35And your specialist subject?
18:37Things my mum has told me about people I've never met and have no connection to.
18:42That's right.
18:43Your mum, Sue, is a glorious gossiper who seems to know everything about everyone.
18:48In two minutes, your time starts now.
18:51Who recently had a tyre stolen off their caravan whilst holidaying in Dorset?
18:55Peggy and Len.
18:58Yes, why does Linda from Pilates have an extra wheelie bin?
19:01She got a free one by pretending to be a registered childminder.
19:06Yes, whilst travelling by train, who did your second cousin Monica's driving instructor think they saw?
19:11Nick Knowles.
19:14Yes, and for a bonus point, what was he eating?
19:16Er, chicken from his jacket pocket.
19:19Yes, in 2012, your mum's podiatrist, Helen, caught an eye infection from what white liquid?
19:24Out of date sun cream?
19:26No, no, no, no, mayonnaise.
19:30Why didn't Frank come to the pub last Friday?
19:33Er, because his gout flare-up means he currently can't wear shoes.
19:37Yes, what's this?
19:40I know this. What is that? That is Lynn's post-op scar?
19:43No, Joe from number 17's brand new patio.
19:47Ah, I knew that.
19:48Who died last week?
19:50Er, Gillian of Gary and Gillian, who they met on a cruise 23 years ago.
19:55Yes, and for a bonus point, what from?
19:57Oh, mum did tell me that.
19:58Er, sorry, pass.
20:01What noise has Mary and Martin's air fryer started making?
20:06Er, er, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
20:10No, it's...
20:15On Tuesday, what piece of information did your mum tell you not to put on the internet?
20:19That Pat has a new gate.
20:21Yes.
20:25Why is Raoul, the tree surgeon, divorcing his wife?
20:28Because she cheated on him.
20:29I need you to be more specific.
20:31With a very tall woman.
20:34I'll accept that.
20:38In what chain restaurant did Fiona's daughter get engaged?
20:41Er, Las Iguanas?
20:42No, Turtle Bay.
20:44Whose hair transplant hasn't taken?
20:46Er, Angela from next door's brother-in-law's husband's plumber's sister's friend, Gary Fulcher.
20:51Hey, that's me!
20:55Yes, according to her doctor, I've started so I'll finish, who has a rare glandular condition
21:01that makes her sweat smell exactly like gravy.
21:05Angie from the co-op.
21:07Yes, Ben, at the end of that round, you have ten points and one pass.
21:10The answer was, of course, she was kicked to death by a horse.
21:14Yeah, sorry, I was scrolling when she told me I should have paid attention.
21:18That's why you must always listen to Mummy.
21:25Our next contender, please.
21:34Your name?
21:35Polly Holton.
21:36Your occupation?
21:37Something else in IT.
21:40And your specialist subject?
21:41Life-changing texts my dad has replied to with the thumbs-up emoji.
21:54Dad, I go into art school.
21:56What's that got to do with World War II?
21:59Struggling to connect with your dad?
22:01You're not alone.
22:03Dads are scientifically proven to be amongst the hardest parents to connect with.
22:07They're the trained Wi-Fi of people.
22:10But have you ever wondered if maybe you've just got the wrong one?
22:14What's wrong?
22:15Introducing Dadswap.
22:17Dadswap.
22:18Using an advanced algorithm, Dadswap takes your hobbies and passions and matches you
22:24with a brand new dad.
22:27New son!
22:32While rehoming your dad with someone more his speed.
22:37My dad didn't know how to raise a girl.
22:39But Steve does.
22:40Don't you, Steve?
22:42I'm a girl dad now.
22:45I'm a punk rocker.
22:46But all my boring old dad wanted to talk about was bossa nova.
22:50Thanks to Dadswap, I found the punk daddy just for me.
22:58My dad always struggled to accept my sexuality.
23:00But now, thanks to Dadswap, I have a gay dad who has all the same hobbies as me.
23:10One thing we didn't think about was how easy it would be to develop romantic feelings for your new dad.
23:17We both love to paint. We've got so much to talk about. And now, we're engaged.
23:25I mean, they're both adults. They're not related, so technically it is allowed.
23:32It's not just gay dads. I'm also dating my new dad. It's not illegal.
23:37I know. I said, it's technically allowed. But I'm saying I do not endorse this use of the app.
23:47I do understand how this has happened. Obviously, a man has just moved into your house.
23:53And you're both emotionally vulnerable. He's got all the same hobbies as you.
23:57He's just left his wife. You're spending more and more time together.
24:02I've invested so much money in this app. I have absolutely f***ed it.
24:09I downloaded Dadswap and traded my dad for a guy my own age.
24:14That's not a dad. That's a boyfriend. There's other apps for doing that.
24:19This one is for swapping dads. Dadswap. If it happens, it happens.
24:25It's illegal. I know.
24:39Here we are on the 18th hole. You could cut the tension with a knife.
24:44We're not whispering. This is just as loud as our voices can go.
24:49If you're joining us at the Masters, we're at the end of a marathon playoff between Ian Conner and Sven
24:54Nielsen.
24:54And Ian Conner is just one putt away from his first Masters title. Here goes.
25:07And he's finally done it. Look how much it means to him.
25:11Amazing.
25:12And here comes his wife. Oh, look at the emotion.
25:18Oh, and a lovely little kiss there. Beautiful scenes.
25:22Here comes his trusty caddy Bruce Atkins. They've been together for years.
25:26It's lovely. And oh, looks like they're sharing a little kiss as well.
25:31Fantastic scenes.
25:32Oh, and here's Sven Nielsen, his opponent. He fought so valiantly today a true competitor.
25:37Big handshake there. What a gentleman. Oh, yeah.
25:40There comes a solid kiss for him too. What sportsmanship.
25:43Amazing scenes. And here comes Sven's wife. Oh, yeah. It looks like she's sharing a little kiss with Ian too.
25:48And now Ian's wife is stepping back onto the green. And she's, yeah, she's sharing a little kiss with her
25:55husband's opponent.
25:56But will the wives go in for a kiss too? Yeah. Oh, oh, they will. Yes. And now they're, oh,
26:02yeah.
26:02They're all sharing little kisses with each other. This is what golf is all about.
26:07Yes, the atmosphere here is electric. Oh, what's happening now is that, yeah, it looks like they're all swapping keys.
26:15Wow. That's a big step for any polycule. Some might say they're moving too fast, but the crowd are loving
26:21it.
26:21Incredible scenes here on the 18th green.
26:24And, oh, yeah. It looks like they're taking part in a commitment ceremony,
26:28promising to treat each other with respect and always maintain open communication.
26:33What a weekend of golf this is turning out to be.
26:36Couldn't have said it better myself. Oh, and what's happening now?
26:41I think that, yeah, they have. They've ordered a super king size mattress that they can all sleep on together.
26:48That's the biggest mattress size you can get. Amazing scenes.
26:50Yeah, and you have to assume they're going to go for the classic arrangement, boy, girl, boy, girl.
26:54Boy, girl. Absolutely.
26:56They're watching Masters at work.
26:57And they're signing for the package.
27:00Oh, yeah, now he's giving a little kiss.
27:04Oh, here come the wives.
27:05They're showing a little kiss with the delivery driver too.
27:09Oh, but whoa, it looks like there's no little kiss for Ian.
27:14Unprecedented scenes and, oh, it looks like now the other three members are explaining to Ian that he's being replaced
27:20in the polycule by the delivery guy.
27:25Golf can be such a cruel sport.
27:29It truly can. It truly, truly can.
27:33And, oh, what's this? It looks like Ian's taking his phone out. I think he's, yep, he's getting back on
27:39the apps.
27:40Yeah, he's looking for some rebound sex, and can you blame him after the day he's had?
27:45First, he bogeyed the fifth hole, then he opened up his marriage and ruined his life.
27:50And, oh, what's this? Looks like he's found a match.
27:53You're right. Is that? It is. It's Bruce Atkins, his old chaddy.
27:58Oh, amazing. Those two have so much history together, but finally they can consummate their unspoken love.
28:07What a day.
28:11What a day of golf we have witnessed.
28:15Just goes to show sometimes the love of your life can be right underneath your nose.
28:20Maybe it's someone you've been working with for years and years, but you can't bring yourself to say anything for
28:25fear of rejection.
28:26Well, I've seen enough golf to know that sometimes those feelings are reciprocated,
28:31and the other person is just waiting for the first person to make a move.
28:43Well, that's it for the golf today.
28:45Join us next week for the LIV tournament in Saudi Arabia, where we won't be invited. Good night.
29:03Ladies and gentlemen, Georgia Smith.
29:22I didn't know that you'll be here tonight.
29:27I thought you were giving things was feeling fine.
29:35Nothing was said.
29:38Nothing was said.
29:38It was all in your eyes.
29:42Can I get close even for just one time?
29:51It's the little things that get me high
29:54Won't you come with me and spend the night
29:58Just a little day for you and I
30:01If it's meant to be, then that's all right
30:05It's the little things that get me high
30:08Won't you come with me and spend the night
30:12Just a little day for you and I
30:15If it's meant to be, then that's all right
30:20With you is such a sweet escape
30:22So if we leave, we'll let anybody know too
30:27If you don't wanna play these games
30:30Just tell me what you need and we can go there
30:33Only if for the weekend
30:35I just set up with my friends
30:37Don't tell me that you're leaving
30:40Think I came at the right time
30:42Do you know what's on my mind?
30:44Can you stay for the evening?
30:47It's the little things that get me high
30:51Won't you come with me and spend the night
30:54Just a little day for you and I
30:58If it's meant to be, then that's all right
31:02It's the little things that get me high
31:05Won't you come with me and spend the night
31:09Just a little bit of you and I
31:12Just a little bit of you and I
31:13If it's meant to be, then that's all right
31:16It's the little things that get me high
31:18Keep me going
31:19Just a little bit of you and I
31:22Nobody knows it
31:23Just a little bit of you and I
31:26Just a little bit of you and I
31:29Nobody knows it
31:30This is the little things that get me high
31:32Keep me going
31:33Just a little bit of you and I
31:36Nobody knows it
31:37Just a little bit for you and I
31:41Just a little bit of you and I
31:43What time is it when the party stops?
32:18What time is it when the party stops?
33:00What time is it when the party stops?
33:14Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young.
33:18And I'm Anya Magliano.
33:23Prime Minister Keir Starmer finally arrived in the Gulf region this week, just in time for the evening-do of
33:29the Iran war.
33:31Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of tube, was accompanied on the trip by a team of reporters.
33:38And after spending three days with Keir Starmer, they might be the first journalists in Saudi Arabia to kill themselves.
33:48Due to security constraints, Starmer was only able to travel with a small number of journalists.
33:54Or what the Saudi Crown Prince would call a suitcase full.
33:59In the UAE, after 70 Brits have been jailed after filming missile strikes, which is a useful reminder to put
34:07your phone away and just enjoy missile strikes in the moment.
34:13Disgraced former minister and friend of Geoffrey Epstein, Peter Mandelson, seen here connecting his cock to Bluetooth, is being fined
34:22£300 for urinating in public.
34:24I feel sorry for Mandelson. I feel sorry for Mandelson. We've all been there. Not there. Jesus. I'm there needing
34:30a wee.
34:32This morning, the Artemis 2 mission returned to Earth.
34:36Mission commander Reid Wiseman said there were, quote,
34:47President Donald Trump managed to speak to the crew on the phone this week while they were on the other
34:56side of the moon.
34:58So remember, girls, if he wanted to, he would.
35:02Artemis 2 splashed down successfully in the Pacific Ocean.
35:05It was called a monumental achievement by the scientific community and the darkest day in our history by the pod
35:11of dolphins it smashed into.
35:16Rishi Sunak has posted a photo of himself on crutches after, quote,
35:21showing off to his daughters on an Easter skiing trip.
35:24Well, I don't know who this Rishi Sunak fellow is, but get well soon.
35:30The Grand National took place today, and in a weekend update exclusive,
35:34we have the winner of the race with us in the studio. It's Paul Townend!
35:41Hello, everyone. Good evening.
35:44Paul, firstly, congratulations on the win. What was it like out there?
35:48Well, to be fair, tough race for me. First couple of fences I found tricky,
35:53but after a few furlongs, I pushed through and took the trophy.
36:02Oh, sorry. Did I interrupt?
36:05Hi. Can we help you?
36:07No, it's weird. I just thought this was an interview with the winner of the Grand National.
36:11And then I turn up, and you're chatting to this free-riding prick.
36:15Sorry, who are you?
36:17My name's I am Maximus, right? The horse that actually won the Grand National.
36:21No, you're the horse I rode to win the Grand National.
36:24The absolute cheek of this guy. What exactly did you contribute?
36:28I'm 6% body fat. I can run at 35 miles an hour. I got a dick like a Pringles
36:32tube, by the way.
36:34So, what was your skill set again? Oh, yes, being 4'9".
36:37How dare you!
36:38How dare you!
36:40Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
36:41Let's not ruin the good name of horses being forced to run for our pleasure.
36:46Well, I worked hard too. It's grueling.
36:49I sprained my elbow.
36:52Oh, yeah, you sprained your elbow, and what happened?
36:54They'd cubby up in a white tent and shoot you? Yeah, I thought not.
36:58That's standard practice.
37:00Standard practice? You don't get it, do you, you little gerbil?
37:03You don't know what it's like out there, man.
37:06Brutal heat, scary jumps.
37:08Not to mention, you're with me.
37:10I told you, I wasn't into that.
37:12I made my boundaries very clear.
37:14Nay means nay.
37:16Nay.
37:16Nay.
37:20Oh, Maximus, I'm sorry.
37:22I didn't know you felt that way.
37:24Is there anything I can do?
37:28Let me ride you.
37:30What?
37:32Let me ride you.
37:36Here.
37:37Live on Sky TV.
37:39And stream the next day on Peacock.
37:42Yeah.
37:43Let me know the thrill of commanding another.
37:46OK, just this once.
37:48Get on.
37:52How's it feel?
37:54Good, yeah.
37:56Is that a Pringles tube in your pocket?
37:58We ride!
37:59We're all national winners, everyone!
38:08Ringo Starr has claimed that broccoli is what helps him tour at the age of 85.
38:13That and having been in a band called The Beatles.
38:18New research from Oxford University has found that artificial intelligence can be used to detect fat that is otherwise invisible
38:26to the human eye.
38:28Who do you think you are?
38:29My mum.
38:33Controversial U.S. surveillance firm Palantir has been given access to details of one and a half million NHS employees.
38:39It's insane giving the keys to our health system to Palantir, a sinister military contractor with links to the CIA,
38:47which makes billions profiting from targeting systems for drone strikes, is such a great idea.
38:56Palantir. I love Palantir.
38:58Palantir. Driving productivity across the UK through AI-powered software.
39:11Steve Wainwright, a retired engineer and DIY enthusiast from Peterborough, has become obsessed with making oversized models of everyday objects.
39:21Well done, Steve. Here's your medication.
39:26What time is it? It's prison time!
39:32That's right! X-Factor's Chico has been sentenced for drink driving.
39:37After giving an emotional speech to court, he's got the jury's vote, but will he impress the judges?
39:44In a new effort to protect hedgehogs, officials in Germany are planning to ban the night-time use of automatic
39:52lawnmowers, or as German hedgehogs call them, Nachtkunst.
39:58The Welsh town of Ebu Vale has been named Britain's fattest town, much to the annoyance of its mayor.
40:04These labels don't help us. They're outdated and quite frankly offensive, he said fatly.
40:11Italian researchers have conducted tests on the Shroud of Turin, the linen cloth in which Jesus is believed to have
40:18been buried.
40:18Their findings reveal traces of DNA, including those of cats and carrots, feline companions and root vegetables.
40:27So Jesus was living as a bisexual woman.
40:31A ferry service in Southampton has gone into liquidation.
40:35Well, yeah, that's how boats work.
40:40Oxfordshire police are hunting a shopper who defecated on a shop shelf in Banbury.
40:46The suspect is described as really needing a shit in Banbury.
40:51Unfortunately, for a nearby John Lewis, they had to match it.
40:58On Thursday, K-pop band BTS kicked off their $1 billion world tour on the back of their hit single,
41:05Swim.
41:06But my question is,
41:08Namjooni, kakjagi jini-age, insenun muchurom uranen goya, myon.
41:13Waterslide musoho hanen hosokhi ga jongsek alka?
41:17Ani myon, jiminiga kurong hosokhi ru uchuchu anna jumeo daljuri yona?
41:23Don't ask me.
41:25I'm not really into K-pop.
41:35A report has found almost two-thirds of Gen Z say they go out less than before.
41:40Here to tell us what's really going on is our Gen Z correspondents, Annabelle Marlowe and Jackson!
41:49Hi, Paddy.
41:50Hi.
41:51What the hell is going on with Gen Z?
41:53It's simple.
41:54Every Friday night, Gen Z like to
41:58Huff a little boo and show a little nip.
42:04And that's Gen Z.
42:06Let's break it down for him.
42:08On Friday, we
42:09Go to Hyde Park in Leeds, split the G and practice our bird noises.
42:13Show them, girl!
42:14Ow! Ow! Ow!
42:17Gen Z love making sound effects.
42:20Jack can do a gunshot from really far away.
42:23Show them, girl!
42:34And Annabelle does a really good impression of saying thanks to a waiter when you're mid-convo.
42:44Ow! Ow! Ow!
42:45But why did Gen Z like sound effects?
42:48Because we're expressing our gender, of course.
42:50Gen Z loves gender.
42:52I express my gender by looking like Claire Balding if she were a Vampire Weekend fan.
42:58And I express my gender by being a girl at the pub, sorry.
43:03So sorry, instead of clubbing, Gen Z are doing what exactly?
43:07Well, they're going to the black and white pictures, roll out the cup and have a little cigarette.
43:16And then we post a link to an infographic about gay rights.
43:19And wrongs.
43:20I'll tell you what's gay wrong, these titties.
43:24This sounds like maybe it's just you two.
43:26No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
43:29I really don't know how much more obvious we could make this.
43:33Gen Z love to have a little glue, show a little nip and call in a bomb threat.
43:41I still don't get what Gen Z like.
43:43I'll tell you what we like, you rude old bitch.
43:47We love the music of Steely Dan,
43:51Katra in the Rye,
43:52and the work of character actor Bob Hoskins.
43:54Oh, the Long Good Friday.
43:55Now that was a key.
43:58We love making that noise too.
44:00Keep it up, guys.
44:01I think I get it now.
44:02Gen Z like to half-glue, show-nip, bomb threat.
44:06Jack Shepard, I'm a baller.
44:08Thank you, everyone.
44:16We can love the amp-a-d-o.
44:18You've got to be on the good night.
44:55Darling, that was the most perfect evening.
44:58Now the kids are asleep.
44:59It's about to get even better.
45:01Happy anniversary, Wendy.
45:03Happy anniversary, my love.
45:06Well, well, well.
45:09If Wendy Darling hasn't found herself another lost boy.
45:14Oh, my God.
45:14Peter, is that you?
45:16Surprise!
45:18Did you miss me?
45:19Clearly not, because he's never bloody called.
45:23Who's this pirate?
45:25Captain, can't grow a beard.
45:28He's not a pirate, Peter.
45:29He's my husband.
45:31Oh, wow.
45:32What does husband do?
45:34Professional loser?
45:37I'm a neurosurgeon.
45:39Great.
45:40Neurosurgeon.
45:41Tell me this, mate.
45:42Can you fly?
45:44Hmm.
45:45No.
45:45Didn't think so.
45:47Hold my beer.
45:49To the skies!
45:50Don't, don't.
45:55That's a stupid place to have put that.
45:58Eddie, who is this?
46:00I might be dressed like homeless Robin Hood.
46:02Hey.
46:03Relax, chief.
46:04I'm just an old flame.
46:06Wendy and I used to go all the way to Mounting back in the day,
46:10if you know what I mean.
46:12Sex.
46:13Yes, we got that.
46:14What are you doing here, Peter?
46:16Well, I just popped by, didn't I?
46:18To let you know that I am crushing it.
46:21Yeah, and what exactly are you crushing?
46:23Shut your mouth, you piece of virgin.
46:27Listen, Wendy, why don't you sack off this absolute mood hoover
46:31and come with me.
46:33Let us fly!
46:34No.
46:36Oh!
46:38Oh, God.
46:39OK.
46:40Don't worry.
46:41I'll pay for that.
46:43Peter, you've really got to go.
46:45It's been 40 years.
46:45I'm married.
46:46I've got children.
46:47Yeah, I know.
46:48That's great.
46:49Because I've got a girlfriend too, so...
46:52Do you?
46:52No.
46:57Oh, God, you're really not doing well.
47:00No, I'm not.
47:02Neverland sucks now.
47:04The Lost Boys got found.
47:07Smee got long COVID.
47:11Tinkerbells on OnlyFans.
47:14Oh, Peter.
47:16Oh, my God.
47:17What are you doing?
47:18Sorry.
47:19My bad.
47:20That one's on me.
47:20I misjudged that.
47:21You need to leave now.
47:22OK.
47:23Fine.
47:23Yes, I'm leaving.
47:24I've got things to do anyway.
47:26Because, as I said, crushing it.
47:29Sure you don't want to come with me?
47:31Nope.
47:31That's fine.
47:32Didn't want you anyway.
47:33Our bomb!
47:34Oh, jeez.
47:35Oh, no, please.
47:36Oh, no, please.
47:38Oh, no, please.
47:38Oh, no, please.
47:40Oh.
47:41Oh.
47:44Maybe I'll just take the stairs.
47:46Mm.
47:48Oh.
47:49Love you.
47:52Oh, God.
47:53I'm so sorry about him.
47:55Listen, those days are in the past.
47:57There's no one I'd rather be with than you.
47:58Oh.
47:59Don't worry about it.
48:00We've all got weird exes.
48:02Happy anniversary.
48:03Happy anniversary, love.
48:05Now, that hasn't spoiled the mood, has it?
48:08Of course not.
48:10Now, where were we?
48:11Hmm, where were we?
48:14Just checking.
48:16Room for a little one?
48:18Oh, go on.
48:20Let's fly!
48:22Woo!
48:23Woo!
48:27Welcome back to Falling Down the Hill with Helen Birch.
48:31I'm Helen Birch.
48:35I'm Helen Birch.
48:37Well, we can hardly avoid the topic, so I'd like to state for the record that I am by no
48:43means a fan of the renaming of this program.
48:47It's true that I have occasionally fallen down some hills, but it's my view the program needn't
48:52have been retitled to reflect that fact.
48:55So, I hope you'll forgive me if I occasionally refer to the program by its original title for
49:00the first 14 series.
49:02That's Helen Birch's Birch's of St. Helens.
49:06Now, on with the program.
49:16We're here, as ever, just on the outskirts of St. Helens, very nearly into Haddock Village
49:22proper.
49:22It's just beyond the brow of this hill.
49:25And here's a lovely Birch I found.
49:28Oh, no, wait, wait, no!
49:53Once again, Georgia Smith.
50:10I'm not afraid to die today, I could have chose somebody else to love.
50:22Give me the gun, I'll take the blame and cover up your darker shade of blood.
50:34I'll feel the rain and turn the pain into cold.
50:43And that's just the price of it all.
50:56That's just the price of it all.
51:09If it's an only goal, through the rise and fall, I know I can pretend that this will never end.
51:21If in the game we die, then our hearts won't pass us the price of it all.
51:34It's safe to say that I've ignored the warnings.
51:40Your treacherous, impetuous, your cultures.
51:46I'll take your hand and close my eyes.
51:50A parody of paradise in love.
51:57I'll take your hand and turn the pain into cold.
52:06And that's just the price of it all.
52:18And that's just the price of it all.
52:27Come on, come on, come on.
52:33Oh, my baby.
53:15Oh, darling, how I wish we didn't live in the 1930s
53:19so that I could be lesbian and you could be a gay.
53:23Thank goodness we married one another.
53:25This way we're able to live our sordid homosexual lives in secret
53:29while still falling in with polite society.
53:33I'm frightfully nervous to meet your mother.
53:35Perhaps she might suspect us.
53:37No, you mustn't fret, Judith.
53:39She'll be none the wiser, providing we remain subtle and discreet.
53:43Well, soil my knickers!
53:46What happens?
53:47Henry!
53:49Oh!
53:50Oh!
53:51Robert, you big Nancy!
53:52Excuse my appearance, I slept in a graveyard.
53:57Mind if I sit, my shoes are filled with blood.
54:01Robert?
54:02Who might this curious character be?
54:05Oh, Judith, this is Henry, my cousin.
54:09Cousin?
54:10Do that with your cousin, do you?
54:151930s cocaine, 1930s cocaine.
54:19Robert and I met last year at the Glass Slipper.
54:22One minute we're doing the quick step,
54:24next thing you know we're stepping quickly into each other's holes.
54:29Hey, please, I told you about my wife, Judith.
54:33Oh, please, I can spot a lesbo from a mile away.
54:36Love the dress, pal.
54:39Anyway, I'm off to powder my schnoz.
54:42By which, of course, I do mean do 1930s cocaine.
54:49Robert, he's going to give us away.
54:52Your mother will have you arrested.
54:54He seems excitable at first, but he will calm down.
54:57Oh, cake!
54:59Oh, fine.
55:00I won't have a thing for dinner, though.
55:03I pray he doesn't make a scene.
55:06Henry, please.
55:08If you put the cake down, they'll cut you a slice.
55:15He's not even slipping on anything.
55:22Ew!
55:22I'll just eat this cake behind this door.
55:26Robert!
55:28Well, look lively.
55:29Aren't you going to greet your poor mother?
55:31Oh, mother, yes.
55:33This is Judith, my wife, who my intercourse.
55:38Ah, yes, the mysterious Judith.
55:42Rather a plain thing, isn't she?
55:44Eyes so far apart, you'd think she was prey.
55:47But still, good solid hips.
55:52Oh, thank you, Mrs. Fenwick.
55:54I suppose I could approve.
55:57Oh, mother, really?
55:59That's simply one...
56:00Can anyone see the thing with the cake?
56:02Oh, great!
56:04Robert, do you know this man?
56:06Mother, I have never met this bombastic pervert in all my life.
56:09Just ignore him, Mrs. Fenwick.
56:11Young lady, when I desire your opinion,
56:13I'll be sure to give your head a good firm slap
56:15until one comes tumbling out your ears.
56:17Okay, I'm laughing.
56:18I don't do jokes.
56:19Well, darling, it seems your son does.
56:22Hey, now I like you.
56:23Oh, yeah, we're bonding.
56:24We're hugely bonding.
56:25Henry, please!
56:26I'm trying to introduce my homely wife to my difficult mother,
56:30and it was all going rather well until you minced in here.
56:33So would you please kindly piss off?
56:35Robert!
56:37This colourful freak is the most interesting person I've ever met.
56:41You'd do well to find yourself a girl like him.
56:44But what about my tiny wife?
56:47Yes!
56:48What about Judith?
56:50Ruth, Ethel!
56:52How's Trix, doll?
56:58Ethel is my cousin.
57:00Do that with your cousin, do you?
57:02Blah, blah, blah, blah.
57:06Give me a call when you lose the fruit.
57:09He is!
57:10He is a fruit!
57:11Listen, have you gals ever tried
57:131930s cocaine?
57:17Well, that went better than expected!
57:20Come on, you guys, you're on stage!
57:23You know?
57:24Come on, you're on stage!
57:25Come on, you're on stage!
57:34Yes!
57:36My biggest thanks, ladies and gentlemen,
57:39to Georgia Smith,
57:40and a huge thank you to this incredible cast,
57:43all of the amazing writers,
57:44and everyone that is working on this incredible show.
57:48Thank you so much.
57:49It's been such a treat to host me this week.
57:52Tune in for the next episode of SNL UK
57:54on the 25th of April.
57:56Thank you very much!
57:57Good night!
57:58Good night!Hola!
58:10Good night!
58:13Good night!
58:14Looking bright!
58:17Good night!
58:19Good night!
58:21Good night!
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