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00:02Is this tie all right?
00:04For where we're going, any tie's a novelty.
00:07It's no good being like that about it.
00:10It's a family occasion.
00:11The thing is, to make the best of it.
00:14Anyway, I always think there's something rather nice about a christening.
00:18There's something even nicer if there's been a wedding first.
00:37There's no reply from Reg.
00:40Don't think he's with somebody else, do you?
00:42Can you please forget men today, Rose?
00:45All day?
00:47All right, just for the christening.
00:49Done. I don't care if he is with somebody else.
00:52I wonder who she is, the bitch.
00:54Rose!
00:55Sorry, sorry.
00:56Can I have the tea, child?
01:03Well, um, I'm ready.
01:07Is Onslow up yet?
01:09I shouted him an hour ago.
01:11Oh, that's cutting it fine.
01:13You know he needs at least two.
01:15Onslow!
01:17Have you seen me clean shirt?
01:19Daisy, where's Onslow's clean shirt?
01:22How am I supposed to remember? He never wears a shirt.
01:25How's she supposed to remember? You never wear a shirt.
01:28I do, on formal occasions.
01:31He does, on formal occasions.
01:34Have you tried looking in the wardrobe?
01:36Have you tried looking in the wardrobe?
01:39I hope our lass isn't going to start having babies every year.
01:43You hope your lass isn't...
01:47I hope the girl isn't going to make a habit of it.
01:50Stop worrying.
01:51People always ask what the father does.
01:54You can't just tell them he gets away.
01:59Oh, that's better, dear.
02:01She's not a bad girl.
02:02I've always liked Stephanie.
02:04Oh, I don't know about this piece of jewellery.
02:07It'll have to do.
02:08I'm not wearing my best.
02:10With some of Onslow's cronies about, I could be mugged.
02:13Just settle your mind to it.
02:15You've got to make the best of things.
02:16At least they're bothering to have the little girl christened.
02:19Kylie!
02:22What sort of a name is Kylie for a Christian person?
02:25It sounds like a foreign vegetable.
02:29Now, if on our way we meet anyone we know,
02:32I see no harm in telling them that we're going to a christening.
02:35But I see no need to be explicit about the details.
02:40Who am I going to tell?
02:41I'm just warning you.
02:42They needn't be told where the christening is.
02:46And they certainly needn't be told the exact circumstances.
02:50My lips are sealed.
02:53Good day, Elizabeth.
02:55Oh, good morning, Hyacinth.
02:57Oh, you are looking smart.
03:00Oh, thank you.
03:03You're after a christening.
03:07It's just a small, intimate affair.
03:09Oh, very nice.
03:11Fashionable?
03:13Well, yes, reasonably.
03:16You wouldn't go to any other kind.
03:19Hardly.
03:20Is the car clean, Richard?
03:22That's when I left you two minutes ago.
03:25Well, enjoy your christening.
03:27Trickier than it sounds.
03:28I'm sure it is.
03:30Life's tricky enough for most of us, but for you it must be...
03:33Richard!
03:34Coming, dear.
03:37How can you say that?
03:40Dennis, that's cruel.
03:42It's not only cruel, it's obscene.
03:44You know I've finished with Reg.
03:47I haven't been out with Reg since I started with you.
03:54That time.
03:55Well, if you will keep on bringing up that occasion, Dennis.
03:59That was nothing.
04:00It was entirely innocent.
04:01I brought in Reg merely to help me with my football coupon.
04:05What you and Reg were doing certainly wasn't cricket.
04:12Wait!
04:16Oh.
04:17Is there any beer?
04:18You're not having any beer till after the christening.
04:20It's supposed to be a celebration, not a famine.
04:24Daisy, I really need a beer.
04:26And I can't that your hyacinth will be here any minute.
04:29You're right.
04:30We'll both have a beer.
04:36You'd think Onsler would have made a little effort and tidied up for the christening.
04:40I think that would have qualified as a big effort.
04:42Hmm?
04:43Yeah.
04:48Is your father going?
04:50Is he well enough?
04:51That's what I intend to find out.
04:55I should do.
04:56It could be tricky.
04:57There's no need to speak like that about Daddy's problems.
05:03I only meant it might be safer if you left him at home.
05:06Daddy is not some kind of monster.
05:08He's just a touch senile in the nicest possible way.
05:22Give it!
05:24Give it!
05:50I could have sworn I had a set of these.
05:54Onzo's mum won them at bingo.
05:59Please don't bother on our account, Daisy.
06:02Oh, you've got to have a drink with us.
06:04Onzo's bought some sherry.
06:07Onzo bought sherry?
06:09I had to sneak it out under my vest.
06:13Very demeaning to your macho image.
06:16I felt like a man who just had a vasectomy.
06:22Did I see Onzo wearing a tie?
06:25Of course he's wearing a tie.
06:27You don't think he's going to not wear a tie at his granddaughter's christening?
06:30He didn't wear a tie at his daughter's christening.
06:33I don't think we could afford one, then.
06:37I'm glad Onzo's come on so well since.
06:43Have you got them glasses yet?
06:44There's not a full set.
06:46Which reminds me, is your father going?
06:50Of course she's going.
06:52Mrs Midgley's upstairs getting him ready.
06:55Mrs Midgley?
06:55Oh, she's used to him.
06:57She pops in to keep an eye on him when we're out.
07:00Where have you been, Reg?
07:01Don't lie to me.
07:03You've got another woman.
07:06Yes, I've got a tie.
07:07I don't know.
07:09Well, I hope she's a very understanding person.
07:14She's going to have to be when she sees where you've got my name tattooed.
07:21It's too late, Reg.
07:22I'm going with Dennis.
07:24Well, if you're never in and you won't answer your telephone.
07:28Dennis means nothing to me.
07:30It's just a question of a lady needing an escort for these social functions.
07:34I will not go through a christening without a male escort.
07:40No, of course I don't love Dennis.
07:42You know I don't love Dennis.
07:44He's a Pisces.
07:46You can pack that in, you rude old man.
07:49Now I'm coming in again and this time I don't want any Yankee Panky.
07:55It's all right.
07:56It's only me dad and Mrs Midgley.
07:58I want this to be a happy day.
08:01I don't want any troubles or any quarrelling.
08:05It's my daughter's and my daughter's daughter's day.
08:08And I want it to be a nice one.
08:10Hear, hear.
08:11Thank you, Richard.
08:12And so I think we ought to be upstanding
08:17and have a little drink to start
08:19to ask Stephanie and the new baby.
08:23Ask Stephanie.
08:26Will you wait a minute, Anza?
08:28I haven't finished yet.
08:29Sorry.
08:33Now, I know some of us might have preferred
08:37if our Stephanie had waited until she got married.
08:39But what's done is done.
08:41And I want to make this a happy day.
08:43And this is the stuff that could do it.
08:45You ask Stephanie.
08:47Stephanie.
08:47And the new baby.
08:49And the new baby.
08:51Good Lord.
08:55It's a bit strong, isn't it?
08:57What have you done to the sherry on Flo?
09:00It was like ferret pee.
09:04It needed something.
09:10What time is Stephanie arriving?
09:13She's driving up.
09:14They'll go straight to the church.
09:16They?
09:18She's bringing the father.
09:20We told her to bring the father.
09:21Well, at least that's a step in the right direction.
09:24It's time someone met the father.
09:27Oh, aye.
09:28He said, bring the father.
09:30That'll do it.
09:33Oh, now, you'll just stop that.
09:36Daisy, quiet word with you, dear.
09:39What have you said, Reg?
09:40And you, now you've finished.
09:40Goodbye.
09:46What's wrong, Harsons?
09:48I gave you the best sherry glass.
09:49No, it's not the glass, dear.
09:51Now, we're all Daddy's children here.
09:54It's up to us to decide.
09:57Decide what?
09:58Should it be Reg or should it be Dennis?
10:02We have to decide, is Daddy going to the christening?
10:06Of course he's going to the christening.
10:07Mrs. Mish is upstairs now, getting him ready.
10:10Don't you think it's a little unwise to involve the neighbours, Daisy?
10:13Oh, she's very good with him.
10:14She's more his own age.
10:16Wouldn't it be better, then, if we left her here to look after him until we came back?
10:20He's going to the christening.
10:22He wants to go to the christening.
10:24Everybody wants to go to the christening.
10:26Even Reg wants to go to the christening.
10:28Never mind about Reg.
10:30What condition is Daddy in?
10:32Will it be too much for him to go to the christening?
10:35I don't see why.
10:36Only half an hour in church, and then round to the pub for a few sandwiches.
10:40A public house.
10:42We've got a private room.
10:45But is Daddy fit enough?
10:49You cheeky old devil!
10:52It's not safe to turn me back on you.
10:56He sounds fit enough.
11:01We'll give Rose a lift.
11:03I'm not taking Daddy.
11:04I'm not being responsible for taking Daddy to the christening.
11:08He's being moved against my advice.
11:11After you, Richard.
11:14Ladies first.
11:16Normally, I would agree.
11:17But this time, you can go first.
11:20How is it?
11:21I suppose all this power goes to my head.
11:24Just walk past that car.
11:26In case that animal's in there.
11:28For some reason, that dog always barks at me.
11:43I think these affairs put far too much stress on Daddy in his present condition.
11:52It's unfair to expose him to all this excitement.
11:56Maybe he likes a bit of excitement.
11:58Who told you that?
11:59What are you saying?
12:01I won't have you spreading rumours that Daddy likes excitement.
12:06Is that Mrs. Midgley?
12:08I expect she's been gossiping.
12:19Blow the horn.
12:21Rose should be here by now.
12:25She said she'd be ready.
12:27I can see it's going to be one of those chaotic affairs.
12:33Blow it again, dear.
12:35Let's get away from here before I'm seen by anyone who knows me socially.
12:45Keep your eyes on the road, Richard.
12:49I'm sorry.
12:52Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
13:43Stay in the car for a moment, Rose.
13:44The vicar's coming.
13:45We're all here to see the vicar.
13:47I'm not at all sure that skirt is suitable for a vicar.
13:52Ah, Mrs. Bucket.
13:57Yes, of course, Bukang.
13:59How are you?
14:00Oh, bearing up.
14:11And this is?
14:13My husband, Richard.
14:17Yes, Richard.
14:18How are you, Richard?
14:23Oh, hell.
14:24It's Reg and Dennis.
14:28She's with me.
14:29She's with me.
14:31Stop tugging me about.
14:33Tell him you're with me.
14:34Tell him you're with me.
14:36Was that your sister?
14:38So many nice hats.
14:41Do hope the acid rain holds us.
14:52Mother and baby not arrived yet.
14:54Not yet.
14:55I met Stephanie once, I remember.
14:58I'm looking forward to meeting her husband.
15:01Excuse me.
15:03Aren't we all?
15:07Richard, wait here a moment.
15:10Excuse me.
15:10Good morning.
15:11Morning.
15:11Morning.
15:22Oh, I think it may hold off.
15:24Mind you, the gardens could do with it.
15:26Oh.
15:26I'm just checking.
15:28I'm just checking, Bickham.
15:28My sister Violet isn't here yet.
15:30You like Violet.
15:32I may have mentioned Violet at the Brigham By.
15:35She married the turf accountant.
15:36They live in that big house with the swimming pool and sauna.
15:39Do they, really?
15:41I can't say I like him.
15:43He has a tendency to handle you more than necessary.
15:46Some of his jokes are a little off-color.
15:49But he is a Rotarian.
15:50That gives Violet all the advantages of a new Mercedes and her own cash card.
15:56Richard keeps pressing me to have my own cash card, don't you, dear?
16:00Do you?
16:01Yes, you do.
16:02Yes, you do.
16:04I'm never sure how to work those cash point things.
16:07Well, he just...
16:08No, I'd never put a card of mine in one of those machines.
16:11You never know who's been before.
16:15Excuse me.
16:16You like Violet.
16:17She has the sort of lifestyle...
16:19If you'll excuse me, I must just check the temperature of the water in the font.
16:26I think we'll survive the day better to stick with Violet.
16:29Someone has to fly the flag of finesse.
16:32I'd sooner be with your Daisy.
16:33Daisy's cheerful.
16:34She's also married to Onslow.
16:36At least Onslow's cheerful.
16:38Violet's always moaning.
16:39Richard, that is no way to speak about the owner of a new Mercedes.
16:45She's sitting with me.
16:46She's sitting up with me, dear old.
16:48Stick together.
16:50I think we'd better go and see who's arriving.
17:01Excuse me, Vicar.
17:03I wonder if you've spotted the arrival of a new Mercedes.
17:06It'll be my sister.
17:07Really?
17:08I've not seen one, no.
17:11My sister Violet.
17:12He's very big in racing circles.
17:15Sport of kings, you know.
17:17He once saw Her Majesty picking at a prawn cocktail.
17:20Two binoculars, I assume.
17:23It was at Kempton Park, of course, not Ascot.
17:25Otherwise, she'd have been on the Smoked Salmon.
17:29He built her that big house with a swimming pool and sauna.
17:32Not that I think one should go in for a great deal of show.
17:35I have this biblical conviction that simplicity is best.
17:41There you are.
17:44Here's grandfather and grandmother now.
17:50Made it, Vicar.
17:54Hello, Angelo.
17:55Daisy, you've still got the old bone shaker, I see.
17:59Aye.
18:00And the car's as bad as ever.
18:04You're very familiar with the Vicar.
18:08That's the last time I'm sitting in a back seat with him.
18:11Hands all over the place.
18:13Poor Daddy.
18:14Fighting for air.
18:16His breathing's not what it used to be.
18:18It's heavier.
18:24What time is it?
18:30What time is Stephanie supposed to be here?
18:33In my experience, arrangements always go wrong.
18:37We can't start without her.
18:39What we could do is go across the pub and wet the baby's head.
18:42As we stay here.
18:44Oh!
18:45Oh!
18:46I wondered where Dad had got to.
18:52There's been a phone call.
18:54Your daughter's broken down.
18:56But only a couple of miles from here.
18:58I'll fetch you.
18:58No.
18:59It needs a reliable car.
19:01Richard and I will go.
19:02Oh!
19:03What was that?
19:05If you'll give us the directions, Vicar.
19:09I wish my family would lead the organisation of social functions to me.
19:14After all, I've had all that experience with my candlelight suppers.
19:17They're doing their best, I assume.
19:20Well, their best isn't good enough.
19:22At least Onslow was wearing a tie.
19:25And couldn't stop fiddling with it.
19:27And Lord knows what Daddy was fiddling with.
19:32At least it stopped raining.
19:40Five miles.
19:42We should have found them by now.
19:45Perhaps they've got it started and gone on their way.
19:49Well, that's very thoughtless.
19:51Typical lack of consideration.
19:58But those two...
20:01And I think of what Daddy had to do in the war to make the world safe.
20:07I thought he was a driver.
20:11I can't tell you everything, dear.
20:14It was very hush-hush.
20:19Hello?
20:21Is that the vicarage?
20:23Oh, thank goodness.
20:26Hmm?
20:28This is a very bad line for ecclesiastical purposes.
20:34Could I speak to your husband?
20:38Hmm.
20:40Yes, I know he's got a christening.
20:41I'm at the christening.
20:42The smarter end.
20:44My sister's daughter has the baby.
20:47Hmm.
20:48I'm Hyacinth Bouquet.
20:50You remember?
20:51We met once at an interchurch...
20:54Hmm?
20:55Sounds like someone groaning on the line.
20:58Oh, that's better.
21:00We met once at an interchurch bring-and-by.
21:04Yes, my white elephant's cornered the market.
21:08I'm ringing from a call box.
21:10Not from my own white slimline digital telephone.
21:15Because I was stuck out here in the wild somewhere looking for the mother and child.
21:20They've broken down.
21:21Or at least they had.
21:22We don't seem to be able to find them.
21:24Hmm.
21:25I'm ringing to inquire if they have now arrived.
21:29And if not, would you please find someone who could supply me with a description of their vehicle?
21:35Hmm.
21:36All right.
21:38I'll hold.
21:57What's wrong?
22:00We've passed them.
22:01I haven't passed them.
22:04Those hippies with the van.
22:08Oh, my.
22:11Exactly.
22:26That's great, man.
22:27That's not lies, man.
22:32Now, just a minute before you take a...
22:35I don't have to, darling.
22:37Should we go into a christening?
22:38No.
22:40Uncle Richard?
22:43Aunt Hyacinth?
22:44How are you, dear?
22:46I'm fine, Aunt Hyacinth.
22:47It's just the van.
22:48The batter is flat.
22:51Move up, then, can't he?
22:52She can't.
22:53Oh, God, then.
22:56Richard, this is out of the question.
23:17Right, let's start cooking, man.
23:29Psst, which one is the father?
23:31I don't know.
23:33I don't know.
23:35I don't know.
23:39It must be that one.
23:54Let me have a go.
24:05Stop fiddling with your tie-ons, lo.
24:08I feel like the first man in our family to be hanged.
24:14Here's our Violet.
24:18Booking business looks good.
24:20And it gets most of your money for a start.
24:30Which one of you is the father?
24:32I am.
24:33It's me.
24:35It's me.
24:36It's me.
24:37I asked it.
24:37She told me.
24:38They're arguing which one is the father.
25:00Did they tell you which one's the father?
25:03Never mind.
25:05It's time we were going.
25:30It's us, Steph.
25:32About time.
25:55I'll be filmed emerging from a hippie carabinette.
26:00What happened to your car?
26:01Richard wore it out.
26:04That's hardly fair.
26:06It's a lovely baby.
26:08Which one's the father?
26:11Let's go into the church, shall we?
26:13Richard, don't dally.
26:14Hardly dallying, Hyacinth.
26:16If we go in first, we can hide behind a pillow.
26:21Is it the tall one?
26:23Well, at least it stopped raining.
26:25You're not going to get high.
26:25I'm dying to get high.