- 2 days ago
Tv, Only Fools And Horses S07E07-Miami Twice (Part 1)
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TVTranscript
00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:25But here's the one that's driving me bizarre
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La la la la la la
00:36Almighty and everlasting God
00:42We give thee humble thanks
00:44That thou hast forged safe to call us
00:46To the knowledge of thy grace
00:47And faith in thee
00:49Encourage this knowledge
00:51And confirm this faith in us evermore
00:53Give thy Holy Spirit to this infant
00:56That he may be born again
00:58and be made and heir of everlasting salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ
01:03who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit now and forever. Amen.
01:12Godparents please. Do you remember what you've got to say?
01:15Yeah.
01:28Be careful, Rodney. You drop him and I'll drop you.
01:41He dropped a whole Royal Dalton dinner service once.
01:45He ruined it.
01:47Shut up.
01:49Well.
01:50Oh, look at his little face.
01:52Dearly beloved, you have brought this child here to be baptized.
02:01You have prayed that our Lord Jesus Christ would vouch safe to receive him.
02:06Go down the pub, Alan.
02:08Oh, yeah, we'll be there.
02:11Bring down the pub.
02:15Got to be polite to Raquel and Dalton.
02:18Just to wet the baby's head.
02:20Roughly translated, that means I can't wait.
02:22We'll get down the nags head and get legless with Dal.
02:26Take your time, Pam.
02:27We've got to christen the baby first.
02:31Don't you hear that?
02:33Don't listen to Dalton.
02:35Why are you always all about me?
02:37Getting drunk.
02:38When was the last time that happened?
02:39The last time you went down the nags head with Dal.
02:41Okay.
02:43And obediently keep his commandments.
02:47The star renounced the devil and all his works.
02:52The star renounced the vain pomp and glory and the carnal desires of the flesh.
03:01Yes.
03:06No.
03:08No.
03:09I renounce them all.
03:12Oh, yeah.
03:12Me too.
03:15Do you love me, Nick?
03:17Stunning.
03:20Do you feel anything?
03:21Yes.
03:23I feel a great urgency to get out of here as soon as possible and finish my packing.
03:27You do realise we're going on holiday tomorrow.
03:30I've finished all the packing.
03:31Stop moaning, Boisey, or I'm going to get annoyed.
03:36Do you remember Tyler's christening?
03:38Yeah.
03:41I bet the church will listen, I won't it.
03:44Godparents, will you please name this child?
03:48Yes, it's Damien Derrick Trotter.
03:52Damien Derrick?
03:54Yes.
03:58Damien Derrick.
04:00Bye.
04:01I baptise thee, Damien Derrick, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
04:19We receive this child in the congregation of Christ's flock, and assign him with the sign of the cross.
04:25The Father, and of the Son, and of the Son.
04:40Oi, mind the paintwork, will you?
04:42Come on, Mickey, get a move on.
04:44I'm just setting the automatic timer.
04:48He's no David Bailey, is he?
04:50David Bailey.
04:51More like David, Daily.
04:53Ready?
04:55everybody smile I am smiling ah thank you very much Reverend that was a
05:08cracking display beautiful ceremony thank you oh my pleasure perhaps I'll be
05:13seeing you two again in the near future you ask who what you mean a wedding
05:17don't hold your breath on it son she's still married I'm legally separated I'm
05:21waiting for my divorce to come through yeah almost fucker if you need me I'll be
05:27here God bless you both yeah thank you oh by the way Reverend I'll be in to see
05:34you in a minute I've got something I want to talk to you about yes of course I'll
05:37be inside just a bit of business sweetheart business business here this
05:45is a church oh come on Raquel even churches have got to make profits have
05:50you read your Bible recently no but I remember our RE teacher reading it to
05:58us once and there is a chapter in the Bible actually called the book of prophets
06:04no it doesn't mean profits lovely christening Raquel one of the nicest I've been to oh thanks
06:14mommy you have bought your little present it's one of them baby intercoms you know so as you can
06:19hear Damien if he cries at night you can even talk back to him from your living room let him hear
06:25mommy's voice you know you'll be able to fix it up won't you Dale yeah oh yeah no problem
06:30I'll get Rodney to do it tomorrow listen I'll leave you two girls to have a chin
06:34wag I'll see you later all right listen no I'm gonna shoot off now mate and open up the pub
06:40listen about this christening do I'm putting on for you I'm a bit concerned mate don't be
06:45Michael I've got every faith in you I'm concerned about the money you wouldn't like to actually pay me
06:51now or at least give me a deposit how dare you Michael talk business here outside the church
06:57church
06:59so you're up for holiday tomorrow yeah we're going to the states we fly to Washington then down to
07:11Atlantic City for a week and then on to Florida stop it you're making me jealous well it's not
07:17going to be that good boy she's going with me look at Paul little Rodney is he still living at your
07:29flat well he stays with me and Dale from Monday to Friday then he spends the weekends with Cassandra
07:33yeah he sees her at weekends yeah oh well I suppose he's more fun than fishing
07:40Rodney
07:48Rodney hi Alan
07:51so how's the new job
08:02what new job
08:04working for Dell
08:06oh that
08:07oh fine
08:08we've gone international now
08:10it was very big in eastern Europe
08:12oh that's right yeah he was telling me he's got contacts in Warsaw
08:14no Warsaw
08:16yes
08:19but this bloke's cousin is an exporter in Romania
08:22oh Romania
08:23good
08:26look uh
08:28how are you getting on with
08:29I don't know
08:34oh no she's just going down to the park
08:37I said I'd see her there later
08:38you going down for one
08:40uh oh yeah yeah just for a quick one
08:43just a quick one I know you two well
08:45I don't know honestly it will be just a quick one I've had my orders
08:48oh by the way I've got something for you
08:50what's that
08:51it's a cheque
08:53you remember when you first started to work for me you joined a firm's pension scheme
08:56well they finally came up with your repayments
08:58now I've had a talk to the insurance company and they say if you like
09:01you can keep the policy open
09:03I mean in the long term it might prove to be the basis of a nice little nest egg for later years
09:07well that's really nice of you Alan
09:09yeah I'm going to take you up on that offer
09:11I knew you'd say that
09:12well you know I'm not one of these grab the money and run merchants
09:15my philosophy has always been
09:17look after the future now
09:19my sentiments exactly
09:21so let's see
09:22nine hundred and thirty-five pounds invested in a policy attracting a gross annual interest of what?
09:27nine hundred and thirty-five pounds
09:29oh I'll take that now Alan
09:30what about the future?
09:32what future? I'll work for Dale
09:36I don't quite understand what you mean Mr Trotter
09:39let me try to explain shall I?
09:40erm let me see
09:42what would you do if you had an extra ten or twenty thousand pounds a year coming in?
09:48well build a new youth club buy a minibus for the old folks outings
09:53I'm afraid I'm not used to making decisions of that magnitude
09:55oh well I can change you all out reverend
09:57I've come up with an idea that can revolutionise your fundraising mechanism
10:02what do you put in there?
10:04communion wine
10:05yeah I know but before you pour it in it's not communion wine is it?
10:08well no it's ordinary wine until I bless it
10:09till you bless it
10:10exactly
10:11now then tell me
10:12how long does it take to bless it?
10:14hmm
10:15two or three minutes?
10:16two or three minutes
10:17right well let's call it what?
10:18say three minutes
10:19that's three minutes
10:20three times a day
10:21that's three threes and nine
10:22nine minutes a day
10:23seven days a week
10:24because I know you blokes you work on Sundays and all don't ya?
10:27that works out about one hour a week times 52
10:33that works out about two days a year that you lose just blessing wine
10:38and that's not including the trip down to Obbins to pick it up
10:41so I reckon that you lose about what?
10:44say one week every year just blessing wine
10:46well possibly
10:47no possibly no positively
10:49you just think about it
10:50think of all the other clergymen all over the country
10:52who are also losing one week every year
10:55right?
10:57we must be losing months and months of vicar hours
11:00just think of all the good works
11:03that you could do with all them lost months
11:06well
11:07I never thought of it like that before
11:08well I have
11:09well I have
11:10and I tell you it has been bothering me
11:11come sit down here
11:12sit down you reverence
11:13just a minute
11:14oh no it's alright
11:15now you just sit down for a second
11:16let me explain
11:17because I have worked out
11:19a way in which I can give you back that precious quality time
11:23how?
11:24are you ready for this?
11:27Trotter's pre-blessed wine
11:30Trotter's pre-blessed wine?
11:33yes
11:34it's like the holy version of sliced bread
11:36see look
11:39I've got this mate of mine
11:40right
11:41I have this mate of mine
11:42he's a vintner up north
11:43and he's shipping in this new range of Romanian wine
11:47Romanian wine?
11:48yeah it's going to be all the rage
11:49don't you worry about it
11:50and the idea is
11:50drive it straight up from Tilbury to here
11:53where you will bless it by the lorry load
11:55right
11:56then we'll ship it out
11:57to all the churches and all the cathedrals
11:58all over the country
12:00I mean once we're up and running
12:01there'll be no stopping us
12:02where are we now?
12:03what?
12:03it's nearly 1992
12:05I mean this time next year
12:06we'll be exporting all over Europe
12:07and here is the brick on top of the Gimbley
12:10right
12:11we get it at 139 a bottle
12:14we knock it out at £2.50
12:16the church will be rejoicing
12:17a flock will be redeemed
12:18and you and I will be a knicker and a bit in front
12:20everyone's a winner
12:23rain of dare, rain of fear
12:24as they say in Lewes
12:25er, yes
12:28I could see how it could save time
12:30time, yes of course you can save time
12:31and time is money
12:33money that is much better spent on roofs and orphans and organs
12:37that is my motto
12:38it's very commendable of you Mr Trotter
12:40but I'm slightly
12:42stunned
12:43yes of course you are
12:45of course you are
12:46now you know how the people felt when they saw the burning bush
12:49or the first pot noodle
12:53I mean this time next year
12:55for a herd will be asking for your autograph
12:58yeah I know it knocks you sideways don't it
13:01I don't know it must be a sign
13:04or something like that
13:05anyway listen I'll let you think about it alright
13:07in the meantime what I'll do is
13:08I'll send in the first lorry load
13:10so you can have a bit of a practice
13:11see if you can interest your other colleagues
13:13you know square it with the bishop
13:14that sort of thing
13:15you know it makes sense
13:16yes
13:17oh by the way
13:18listen I just wanted to slip you this
13:19that is for the christening it was a belter
13:21bonjour for now
13:22don't worry
13:38shh shh shh shh
13:39please
13:40what do you want
13:41what do you want
13:42I've heard there's some business going down
13:44I was just wondering if there's something in it for me
13:46I'm the managing director of my own firm now
13:48oh yeah
13:49I'm very impressed Mickey
13:50no there's nothing in it for you
13:52I'm doing this for charity
13:53oh well if you hear something let us know eh
13:55I mean I've always done you a good turn
13:57when have you ever done anything for me
13:59yeah well I'll do you some good turns in the future then
14:03look just remember
14:04you don't need any help
14:05alright
14:06thank you very much Mickey
14:07I'll bear it in mind
14:08alright
14:09wait a minute
14:11wait a minute
14:13wait a minute
14:15I was wondering
14:16what
14:17what
14:18no I don't think you can handle it
14:20I can handle it no sweat
14:22well
14:26little bit out of your normal area this Mickey
14:30as long as you're not frightened of a challenge
14:32there's nothing I like better than a challenge
14:35I'm your man
14:36alright
14:37put it there
14:38look at that it's a deal
14:40you come with me and I'll tell you what I want you to do
14:42my firm is in a phase of expansion
14:45I was computerized three months ago
14:48where?
14:49I thought you had a bit of a limp
14:51how would you do it?
14:53I want to find out
14:54where?
15:04what is that?
15:06you wanna come?
15:08I want to come
15:16oh God
15:18What's the matter?
15:20I've never been so embarrassed.
15:22I just wish you could choose your parents.
15:24Oh, no. It's not Alan again, is it?
15:27It's always the same when we have family parties.
15:30A couple of drinks, that's all it takes.
15:34You ought to stay off the Scotch.
15:38I haven't been on the Scotch. I've been on the Shandy's.
15:41That's what you're doing.
15:48Come on, love.
15:50Kiss it, kiss it down.
15:56Just take her home, Daddy.
15:57Oh, yeah, what do I do with her then?
15:59Well, I've got a length of rope in the back of the van.
16:03Come on.
16:04How am I going to leave the embarrassment down?
16:12Well, you better have a word with Rodney. He's had years of experience.
16:17Sorry.
16:18Anyway, talking about Rodney.
16:19What is it between you two?
16:21He's well gutted about this Saturday and Sunday arrangement.
16:23I mean, what's happened between you two?
16:25It's private, Del.
16:27Well, I won't stick my nose in.
16:29But if you want to talk either of you, I'm here.
16:32And you know me, I'm straight down the line.
16:34No old bull or no porkies.
16:37Thanks, Del.
16:38Right.
16:39Is Damien back at the flat?
16:40Oh, yeah, yeah.
16:41Who's babysitting?
16:42Mickey Pierce.
16:59Oh, is that the holiday brochure?
17:00Yes.
17:01Look, these were all the hotels we're staying at.
17:03I don't believe that woman.
17:05How many times I've got the talent to keep quiet about this holiday.
17:09Why is that then, Boise?
17:10Well, I don't want every catbird in Peckham to know that my house is going to be empty for three weeks, do I?
17:16I'm security conscious these days.
17:19That's why I haven't ordered a minicab to take us to the airport.
17:22Del boy's doing it.
17:23I wanted a close and trusted friend to take us.
17:27Yeah, but they were all busy, weren't they?
17:30That's right, Si.
17:31I had to ask Del.
17:33Mind you, I've got to hand it to him.
17:34He's put on a good spread here today.
17:36What do you mean, he's put on a good spread?
17:38This is all on the slate.
17:39I've got so many of these slates under here, I could retire me bloody roof.
17:44I do.
17:45I don't know why you're my worries.
17:47Yeah, Del's had a big cheque arrive.
17:49Now, what about that, mouthy?
17:51935 quid.
17:52See?
17:53I saw the cheque.
17:54Yeah, I saw an advert for the RAC, but I still broke down.
18:05Gotcha.
18:06Are you looking for that iron?
18:07What did you leave this in your jacket for?
18:09Someone could have taken it.
18:10Somebody did bloody take it.
18:13This could have been nicked, forged and cashed before you could say Marriage Guidance Council.
18:17Shut up.
18:18Well, that's it.
18:19Listen, I'm taking this down and I'm paying this in your account next week, all right?
18:22Yes, all right.
18:23All right.
18:24How are things between you and Cassandra?
18:26Why?
18:27Well, you don't seem to be talking to her very much.
18:28Well, we haven't got much to say to each other.
18:30At least a matter of property.
18:32What's the problem between you two?
18:34It's private, all right?
18:35Look, you used to confide in me, now you tell me nothing.
18:38Look, I might be able to help you.
18:40Del, watch my lips.
18:41It is private, all right?
18:43I'll sort it out in my own way.
18:44All right, you watch my lips.
18:45You'll sort nothing out without talking about it.
18:47All right!
18:48All right, go on, go away and enjoy yourself.
18:49I will!
18:50Go on!
18:51Go on!
18:52Go on!
18:53Mate, kill me a Peter Colada.
18:54I'm going to strangle one, will ya?
18:55What?
18:56Problems, Dave?
18:57Oh, I want to talk about it, Trent.
19:00You ever been wrongly accused of something?
19:03Yeah, once.
19:04Yeah?
19:05How'd you get out of it?
19:06Well, I didn't.
19:07I was guilty.
19:08All right then, boys, you answered me.
19:09I'm going to take you down to the airport in style.
19:10You'll go in my cap-free gear.
19:11What time do you want me to pick you up?
19:12About 11 o'clock.
19:13The plane leaves at 1.30.
19:14I don't think I'd go to America.
19:15And what is wrong with America?
19:16It's violent, isn't it?
19:17You've been watching too much telly.
19:18Yeah.
19:19I'm telling you.
19:20They're on the verge of a drugs war over there.
19:21Oh, get out!
19:22Who told you that?
19:23Well, I saw a programme on the telly.
19:24On the telly.
19:25See what I mean?
19:26Soppy as a sack.
19:27I'll bet he sent a note to Sympathy to Rita Fair Club when old Len snuffed him.
19:30You know what?
19:31He closed a pub for a week when Daphne and neighbours died.
19:33When I say a programme on the telly.
19:34I don't think you should laugh about things like that.
19:35Eh?
19:36I'm telling you.
19:37I'm telling you.
19:38They're on the verge of a drugs war over there.
19:39Oh, get out!
19:40Who told you that?
19:41I saw a programme on the telly.
19:42On the telly.
19:43See what I mean?
19:44Soppy as a sack.
19:45I'll bet he sent a note to Sympathy to Rita Fair Club when old Len snuffed it.
19:48You know what?
19:49He closed a pub for a week when Daphne and neighbours died.
19:52When I say a programme on the telly.
19:55I don't think you should laugh about things like that.
19:58Eh?
19:59The dead can't defend themselves.
20:03No, no.
20:04You see, Trink.
20:05She had a three-month-old baby.
20:07Who did?
20:08Who did you?
20:09Who did you say, Trink?
20:11I'm talking about Daphne.
20:13Yeah, yeah.
20:14I'm sorry, Trink.
20:15No, it was.
20:16It was tragic.
20:17Well, I've made my point.
20:21Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
20:26Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Trink.
20:29You've got to be very careful.
20:31I mean, Trink gets very emotional.
20:33He's Italian on his dad's friend's side.
20:36What?
20:37When I say a programme on the telly.
20:41I'm not talking about Hill Street Blues or Magnum.
20:43This was Panorama.
20:44Panorama!
20:45Yeah.
20:46Listen, they've got contract killers on the loose over there.
20:49Well, how's that going to affect Boise?
20:50He's going with Thomas Cook.
20:52Michael, I hardly think some hitman is going to have a pop at two British tourists.
20:58Yeah, if he does, he'd better do it in the evening.
21:00I mean, one look at Marlene when she gets out of bed is enough to make anyone run a mile.
21:04That woman could put the frights up Hannibal Lecter.
21:07I like that, Bill.
21:09How do you know what Marlene looks like when she gets out of bed?
21:13Your milkman told me.
21:31Hi.
21:32Hi.
21:35Have a good evening.
21:36Mmm.
21:39You got time for a chat?
21:41If it's got anything to do with uniforms, the answer's no.
21:45It's got nothing to do with uniforms.
21:48I'm not dressing up as a Victorian maid for anyone.
21:53Look, I've done a few drinks and I've said something stupid.
21:56There's no reason to kick me out of the flat.
21:58I mean, haven't you ever said something stupid?
22:01Yeah, a couple of years ago I said I'd do.
22:06That's not fair, Liz.
22:08I didn't mean it.
22:11I'm sorry.
22:14Look, I won't mention uniforms again.
22:16I promise.
22:17Alright then.
22:20Well, glad the christening went off alright.
22:23I thought it was really moving.
22:25Such a lovely baby.
22:27Lovely?
22:28He's always biting me.
22:30He doesn't quite have a chance of fletching out my arms.
22:33Liar.
22:34He smiled when he saw you.
22:36Yeah.
22:37Because he thought, here comes elevensies.
22:39Shut up.
22:41He's a beautiful little thing.
22:43That's easy for you to say, isn't it?
22:45You haven't got to live in the same flat as...
22:46No, sorry.
22:47I wasn't trying to...
22:48Well, you're not.
22:49We don't live at Dells all the time.
22:50We spend the weekends together.
22:51Oh, yeah.
22:52Yeah, we spend weekends together.
22:53Don't start, Roddy.
22:54We discussed all our problems with the relate counsellor.
22:55And you remember what she said after she stopped laughing?
22:57She advised us to try and get back together gradually.
22:58By just spending the weekends together at first.
22:59You must be joking.
23:00Well, the offer still holds.
23:01It's up to you, Roddy.
23:02Now, do you think we could change the subject?
23:03Yes, sorry.
23:04Now things at the bank?
23:05Heard anything about your promotion?
23:06Not yet.
23:07But I'm definitely on the show.
23:08It's up to you.
23:09But I'm not working on the show.
23:11No, you need to leave.
23:12I just need to go to your home.
23:13What?
23:14Now, my wife.
23:15What, I'm a little bit,
23:24I don't see my wife.
23:33But I'm definitely on the short list.
23:35I've been invited to the company's seminar in Eastbourne.
23:38Oh, seminar in Eastbourne.
23:40Oh.
23:42Sorry.
23:45What's important, then, is it, this seminar?
23:48It's where the final interviews will be held.
23:50Well, here's to your future.
23:54Ours.
23:56Yeah.
23:57Don't look like that.
24:00Please.
24:03This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
24:05Well, that's just it.
24:07Everybody is celebrating.
24:09Boise and Marlene are off to the States.
24:11Deb and Raquel are just christened a chubby.
24:14Well, that could be us in a while.
24:18What, a baby?
24:20No, I meant we could go to America.
24:23It's always been an ambition of mine.
24:25Once I get my promotion, we could put some money aside
24:27and we could have a holiday in California or Florida.
24:32Yeah, wait.
24:33I don't know.
24:34A couple of years?
24:39That was making.
24:42You can see a bunch of trees.
24:45There must be thousands of trees in the world.
24:48It is not just a bunch of trees, Trig.
24:50It is the Brazilian rainforest, the lungs of the world.
24:53And they are destroying it at the rate of 25 acres a day.
24:57Where is that end exactly?
24:59Huh?
25:00Where is it, Brazilian rainforest?
25:02That's Mr. Luton.
25:05It's Trig.
25:06Zero.
25:06Ah, Albert, there you are. Listen, I've booked you a front row seat at the Lawn Drama.
25:13Go on, away you go. Here, Rodney, I want to work with you.
25:16Well, give us a decaffeinated cappuccino and a jam donut with your seat.
25:21He's on about that bleeding rainforest again.
25:23That's the fourth time this week Rodney's given a lecture in my cab.
25:27That's all right. He's worried about our world, isn't he?
25:30Wouldn't do you any one to show a bit more care and all. Look at that, look.
25:33You see, it's fossil fuels. People do not realise the damage they are doing to this planet.
25:38I don't have none of them in my house. I use gas and oil.
25:43Should they are fossil fuels?
25:45Are they? Well, I'll switch to coal in future.
25:50No, coal is the same.
25:52I had a coal burner fitted in my place. It's not as dear as you think you know, Rodney.
25:56Put on Rodney's slate, will you?
25:58I don't know how many bloody trees there are, Trigg. They're just cutting them down.
26:02Rodney, Rodders, leave it out.
26:04You'll never turn this lot green as long as you've got a hole in your ozone.
26:09Yeah.
26:10Got some exciting news to tell you. In private, come down here.
26:14Private, please, do you mind? Thank you.
26:16I'll give up on you two.
26:20So much driving.
26:21Trying to make people understand what is happening on this planet.
26:23Yeah, I know. It gives me the right hump and all.
26:26You know, they are more concerned with a postcard from Boise and Moline.
26:29Oh, my God, dear. Here, we had one of those this morning.
26:31Look at that. It's a lovely hotel, isn't it, eh?
26:34Tell her what...
26:36All right, so what's this exciting news in here?
26:39Oh, yes.
26:40Well, I went down a bank this morning, right, to pay in your cheque.
26:43I would have done it earlier, but, you know, I've been having trouble with me.
26:46Why a deal and what have you, but very much shit.
26:48So you have paid it in?
26:49Yeah, of course I have. You've got to look after that money, Rodney.
26:51I don't want you sending it all off to Sting, do I?
26:54Anyway, when I was down there,
26:55I bumped into Cassandra.
26:59She was just going for lunch, so I joined her.
27:01While I was having lunch,
27:02I had this great idea on your behalf,
27:05because I know how much you like to travel.
27:07I am not going to Romania.
27:09I know your wine shipments develop problems.
27:12Who told you that?
27:13Raquel said you had a call from Bucharest last night,
27:15and when you come off the phone,
27:16you was all pale and sweaty.
27:19Right, there's nothing I can't handle.
27:20It's just a little hiccup with the old translation, that's all.
27:22Anyway, listen, this idea was for you and Cassandra, right?
27:25We got talking.
27:26We was talking about Boissy and Marlene's holiday.
27:29Look, Cassandra would love to go to America.
27:34All the way down here, right,
27:35I called into Alex's, you know,
27:37the travel agent in the ice cream.
27:39He has got a once-in-a-lifetime off,
27:41never to be repeated, right?
27:42I'm practically a giveaway, would be.
27:44Return tickets to Miami, 250 smackeroos.
27:49Yeah, well, that's a monkey
27:50before you've got a bed for the night, ain't it?
27:52No, no, no, no, no.
27:53You see, because here's the cherry on top of the cake.
27:56Two go for the price of one.
27:58Think about it, Rodney.
28:00You and Cassandra spending a week on Miami Beach.
28:05Miami?
28:07No, I could never afford it.
28:09Of course you can afford it.
28:10What are you talking about?
28:11You've got your actual money, haven't you?
28:13That's all your pension money.
28:21Why am I?
28:22Turn for the price of mine.
28:24Oh, Rodney's up.
28:25Just think about it.
28:26I mean, she'll love it.
28:27She's real.
28:28I know that.
28:28Just imagine how old Cassandra's gonna feel
28:31when you announce your holiday of her lifetime.
28:33She'll be all over you like a rash.
28:35I mean, is that a brilliant idea
28:39or is it just, like, wonderful?
28:42Bloody hell, there was a cosmic idea.
28:43Yeah.
28:44Would you let me have the time off?
28:45Of course you didn't have the time off.
28:46Oh, ace.
28:48But what about Cassandra?
28:49No, it's all right.
28:50Don't worry about her,
28:51because the bank, like,
28:52they owe her a couple of three weeks holiday.
28:53She told me.
28:54You're off and running, bro.
28:55Yeah?
28:55Yeah.
28:57I'd better go and phone her.
28:58Just make sure it's all right.
28:59No, no, no.
28:59Don't phone her.
29:00No?
29:00No, don't phone her.
29:01No, no, no, no.
29:02She's down there.
29:04You take her out for dinner, right,
29:05and then when you get to the old coffee
29:08and the Grand Monnier steaks,
29:10you throw the tickets down on the table
29:13and you say,
29:14Darling, I am taking you to Miami.
29:17You'll knock her bandy.
29:21Well, I better get down that travel age.
29:22It's a bit sharp.
29:23Yeah, no, no.
29:24Don't go down here.
29:24No, no.
29:25No, no, no, no, no.
29:26Stay there.
29:26Save the shoe lever, Rodney.
29:28Because, you see,
29:29I've got them for you.
29:33Barry, you are a dine.
29:35Ah!
29:37How did you know I wanted him?
29:39Well, I've just thought,
29:40even a plonker like you
29:41wouldn't turn your nose up
29:42in a deal like this.
29:43I don't know what I'd do
29:44without you sometimes.
29:46I wouldn't have thought of that
29:47in a million years.
29:48How did you afford it?
29:49I thought you were skinned.
29:50I am.
29:51I took one of your checks
29:52down the bank and cashed it.
29:53You took money out of my account!
29:54Yeah, don't you dare thank me!
29:59It's not a big deal.
30:01I can forge your signature
30:02as easy as that.
30:03What?
30:12Yeah, lovely, son.
30:15Where is everyone?
30:16Littlin's in his cot,
30:17Raquel's cooking the tea,
30:19Rodney's taking Cassandra out of dinner.
30:22Yeah, he's going to tell her about Miami.
30:24Oh, I'd love to be there
30:26and see her face.
30:27Yeah, so would I.
30:31Yeah, look, all right.
30:32Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
30:33Now, just...
30:34Any calls for me?
30:36Calls?
30:37Yes, you know,
30:38has the telephone rung
30:38and a voice asked to speak to me?
30:40Not that I'm aware of.
30:41Right, good.
30:42Thank God for that.
30:44Talking about God,
30:45I saw a funny thing today.
30:47I was walking past the church,
30:49you know,
30:49the one where we held the christian,
30:51and there was a big articulated lorry
30:53parked in the grounds.
30:54There was some sort of
30:55German writing on the side
30:57and the back doors were open.
31:00Full up with cases of wine it was.
31:03And that dicker,
31:04the one what christened Damien,
31:06he was making a sign of the cross
31:08and saying a prayer to this lorry.
31:12It's a funny old world,
31:13isn't it, eh?
31:15Listen to me.
31:17Anyone phones or calls around here
31:18and asks for me,
31:19I'm locked in, all right?
31:20When you say anyone,
31:21do you mean particularly
31:22people with Romanian accents?
31:23No, hello, sweetheart.
31:25Didn't hear you creasing.
31:26No, I didn't mean
31:27people with Romanian accents.
31:30I just thought I ought to maintain
31:32a bit of a low profile for a while.
31:35So, anyway,
31:35I'll go and take a look at Damien.
31:37You dare.
31:38It's take me over an hour
31:38to get him to sleep.
31:40Oh, all right, all right.
31:41Well, I think I'll make myself
31:42a Singapore sling
31:43to unwind
31:45and then I'll take
31:46a nice hot bath.
31:48Roddy's back.
31:50All right, brothers?
31:51Come on, then.
31:52What's Cassandra say?
31:53I'm going to bed.
31:56Everything all right for us?
31:57Oh, brilliant, though.
31:59Bloody brilliant.
32:01Cassandra cannot come
32:02to Miami with me.
32:03Eh?
32:04Why not?
32:05Because she is busy.
32:07That week.
32:08Doing what?
32:09Oh, she has to attend
32:10the Banks Seminar
32:12in bloody Eastbourne.
32:14Can you believe that?
32:15She is giving up
32:16a trip to Miami
32:17for some crappy interview
32:18so she can become
32:19an executive.
32:20That girl ought to get
32:22her priorities right.
32:23Hold on, let's be fair
32:25about this.
32:25Hold on, let's be fair
32:26about this, Roddy.
32:27Cassandra's told me
32:28about these interviews.
32:29They're very important to her.
32:31She's been going to college
32:31and evening school
32:32for five years now.
32:33It's all been leading
32:34to this seminar.
32:35You can't expect her
32:36to risk her future
32:36for seven days in the sun.
32:38It's not that, Raquel.
32:39It was just my luck,
32:41innit?
32:42Any other week of the year
32:43would have been fine.
32:44But no, it had to be
32:46that week.
32:47I know it's tough,
32:48wouldn't it,
32:48but it's just the way
32:49it goes.
32:50Well, for me it is, yeah.
32:53See you in a moment.
32:55Yeah, good night, bro.
32:59Dear oh, dear oh,
33:00Lord.
33:01That's a bit of a body blow,
33:03innit?
33:03Yeah.
33:04He was really looking
33:05forward to that as well.
33:07It's a pity he didn't
33:08phone Cassandra first,
33:09make sure everything
33:09was all right.
33:10Yeah.
33:10Well, of course,
33:15I said to him,
33:15I told him to phone her.
33:18I said,
33:18you phone her,
33:19make sure that she
33:20can make that weed.
33:21But, you know,
33:21he wouldn't listen,
33:22you know what he's like,
33:23don't you?
33:24It's a shame.
33:25Yeah, yeah.
33:34Stupid bank.
33:36Stupid,
33:37stupid bank.
33:40Sleep, Damien.
33:58Otherwise,
33:59Uncle Rodney
33:59will get angry.
34:00You wouldn't like me
34:01when I'm angry.
34:05Look,
34:06just pack it in,
34:06will you?
34:08Look,
34:08you don't frighten me,
34:10so just go out
34:10to sleep.
34:11What's he doing
34:12in there?
34:14I don't know.
34:15Sounds like he's
34:15having a row
34:16with Damien.
34:17I don't like this thing.
34:20Who do you think
34:21you're talking to,
34:21Rodney?
34:22Jesus!
34:23What's that like?
34:33All right,
34:34Rob?
34:35Yeah?
34:36Yeah,
34:36fine.
34:37You look pale.
34:38No?
34:38No?
34:39Um,
34:41oh,
34:41I was just thinking
34:42I'll probably,
34:43I won't sleep in here
34:44with Damien no more
34:45because,
34:46because I keep snoring
34:48and waking him up.
34:51Bless him.
34:53I'll just kick down here
34:54on the sofa if that's all right.
34:55Yeah,
34:56anything you like,
34:56Rob?
34:57All right,
34:57well,
34:58I'll just have a quick
34:58shower,
34:59then I'll let the sack.
34:59Sorry.
35:03It's all right.
35:04I'm used to it.
35:05All right,
35:06you going on you?
35:07Yeah,
35:07all right.
35:08All right.
35:15He was really looking forward
35:17to going to Miami,
35:18weren't you?
35:19I had dreams,
35:20you know,
35:20what it would be like.
35:23You get your money back,
35:24though, son.
35:25No,
35:25I won't.
35:26Ticket to non-refundable.
35:28Still going,
35:28though,
35:28aren't you?
35:29Of course I ain't.
35:31Of course you are,
35:31Rodney,
35:32you've got to go,
35:32otherwise Cassandra
35:33will think
35:33you're nothing but a puppet
35:35that can't do anything
35:36unless she pulls your strings.
35:38Well,
35:38I'll be all on me own.
35:39Oh,
35:40you're right.
35:40Well,
35:40you're only going for a week,
35:41aren't you?
35:42You've got to think about him.
35:44He was all on his own once
35:45for three months
35:46on an uninhabited island.
35:48Of course,
35:50it wasn't uninhabited
35:51when he arrived,
35:51but that's another story.
35:53Listen,
35:54Rodney,
35:54you've got to go.
35:55You've got to prove to Cassandra
35:56that you're a man
35:57and you're not frightened
35:58to stand on your own
36:00two feet in a big wide world.
36:02Jim,
36:02are you all right?
36:03Yeah.
36:04So you're going,
36:05son?
36:07Possibly.
36:13He won't go,
36:14will he?
36:14Yeah,
36:15of course he'll go,
36:16and do you know why?
36:17Yeah.
36:17Because I'm going with him.
36:21There you are.
36:24You've got a lovely cot,
36:25haven't you?
36:27You're all warm and happy.
36:30We wish poor Uncle Rodney was,
36:32don't we?
36:34Can't go to Miami now.
36:36It's a shame.
36:39Shall I put your mobile on for you?
36:41The one Daddy bought you.
36:43Yeah?
36:45You've got a lovely Daddy,
36:46haven't you?
36:47Buying you all these nice presents.
36:53Maybe Daddy could go with Uncle Rodney.
36:57You wouldn't mind, would you?
37:00You'd only be gone for a week.
37:01What have I got that for?
37:09Yes,
37:09a mystery.
37:10Like so many things.
37:14What about Raquel?
37:16Can you persuade her?
37:17Can Fergie ski?
37:19I only want to go for a week in Miami.
37:22It's not like I'm taking a six-month exhibition up at the jungle, is it?
37:26My anger weren't too happy when I told her I was going abroad.
37:29No, that was because you joined the Navy and went round the world seven bloody times.
37:34No wonder the poor cow got the needle.
37:39Mum, he's just outside.
37:40I'll switch your little box on, in case you need me.
37:44All I want to do is to go to Miami.
37:46We've robbed him for seven days.
37:49I mean, he's got a ticket going begging.
37:52I mean, Raquel has been to America, hasn't she?
37:54What about me?
37:55I've been nowhere.
37:57Better dormant Bogdan.
37:58That's me.
38:00No, she won't be all right.
38:03Raquel will be okay, you see.
38:05Yeah, I'll work her.
38:07Everything will be cushy.
38:09I wouldn't be surprised if she puts the block on you.
38:12Leave it out, Uncle.
38:14I'm the governor in this house, isn't I?
38:16I should just tell her.
38:16I should just say, I should say, Raquel, I should say,
38:18I'm going to go to Miami with my brother, like it will lump it.
38:21That's what I should say.
38:22I should say, pick the bones out of that, darling.
38:25Are you all right, sweetheart?
38:27Settle down.
38:28Del's got something to tell you, love.
38:30Oh, yeah?
38:31What's that?
38:36That programme you want to watch on the television,
38:37the film is just about to start in a minute.
38:39Hey, come on, come on, come on, sit down on your chaise lounge.
38:41That's right.
38:42You're doing us in the oven.
38:42Don't worry about that.
38:43I like it all baked up.
38:45There we go.
38:46Can I get you a drink?
38:48No, thanks.
38:48Oh, all right, then.
38:49Ah, there you go.
38:50Are you nice and good?
38:51Comfy there?
38:52There you are, darling.
38:53Yes.
38:54Custy.
38:57Come on, then.
38:58Come to your lover.
39:00That's it.
39:09Oh.
39:11It's a shame, isn't it?
39:13Yes, it's a crime, bloody shame.
39:22What is?
39:25Poor little Rodney.
39:27You mean those tickets to Miami, son?
39:29Yes, that's right, hon.
39:30Yeah, because Cassandra, she can't go with him now,
39:32so he won't be able to go.
39:35Couldn't Rodney go on his own?
39:37No, definitely not.
39:38I went to the river, haven't I?
39:39I know that.
39:39You've got a bit of savvy, haven't you?
39:41You couldn't have Rodney Trotter and Dan Quayle on the same continent.
39:46No, you need someone to look after him.
39:49Yeah, trouble is, that's it, isn't it?
39:51But what can you do, you know?
39:53Hmm.
39:55Hmm.
39:58Poor little Rodney.
40:01I've got an idea.
40:03What's that, honk?
40:04Why don't he take someone with him?
40:06That's a good idea.
40:09As well as you don't think of it.
40:10Yeah, well, so am I.
40:12Yeah, of course, the trouble is...
40:15Who?
40:16Who?
40:16What about Mickey Pierce?
40:24That's a great idea.
40:26It's a brilliant idea, honk.
40:27The trouble is, the trouble is, the tickets, you see,
40:30they're made out in the name of Trotter
40:31and they're not transferable.
40:33You mean he's got to go with someone named Trotter?
40:35Exactly.
40:38Exactly.
40:40Oh, dear.
40:42Poor little Rodney.
40:49Why don't you go with him, Del?
40:50Me?
40:53Your name's Trotter.
40:55Yes.
40:56Yes, yes.
40:58Great, yeah.
40:59But...
41:00But what?
41:01No, I...
41:02No, I couldn't go and leave you and little Damien
41:05on your own.
41:06Oh, I'd be here.
41:08Yeah, that's like asking McDonald's
41:10to look after your cow, innit?
41:14Well, it's only for a week.
41:15I think Damien and I could just about manage to survive.
41:17Yeah, no, no, I couldn't do that, darling,
41:19because I'm not that sort of bloke, you see.
41:21I mean, I'd be worried sick.
41:23All right, then, don't want to make you ill.
41:30On the other hand, I don't want to be selfish.
41:32I couldn't imagine you being that, Del.
41:34No, no, no, no, see, the thing is,
41:35the thing is, this is a chance in a lifetime
41:37for little Rodney, the poor little cock, you know.
41:40And, well, as it was my idea,
41:42I feel partly the blame.
41:44Go to Miami, Del.
41:45Well, really?
41:48Really, you'll love it.
41:52Terrific!
41:56Of course, I'm not really looking forward to it.
42:02No, I'm only doing it for poor little Rodney.
42:05Yeah.
42:07You know what, Reckhill?
42:11I've got a heart like a diamond, you have.
42:13You know what you remind me of?
42:16You remind me so much of my mum.
42:19Thanks.
42:21I'll bring you back a blinding present.
42:24Here, Rodney, Del's got some good news for you.
42:27Yeah.
42:28All right, all set.
42:29Hey!
42:30I'm coming to Miami with you.
42:32Oh, you bloody ain't.
42:37Hey?
42:38I ain't going on holiday with you.
42:41Excuse me, excuse me a moment.
42:42Would you?
42:43Excuse me.
42:44Rodney, can I have a word with you?
42:45Any executive boardrooms, please?
42:47No, wherever you are.
42:48Thank you very much, Rodney.
42:49Sorry about this.
42:50It's just a little mixed up.
42:52I'll soon straighten him out.
42:53Okay?
42:55You've got a bloody hell of it.
42:57Damien!
42:58What?
43:05What's the matter with you, Rodney?
43:06What is your problem?
43:07I am not flying 4,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean with you in my ear hole all day and all night.
43:13I was hoping for a break from all that.
43:15You seem to forget I've been on holiday with you before.
43:18Oh, that's charming.
43:20That's charming, that is, isn't it, eh?
43:23Absolutely charming.
43:25After all that I have done for you.
43:27Oh, dear.
43:28What thanks do I get, eh?
43:29No bloody thanks.
43:30That's the thanks I get.
43:31Now look what you've done.
43:39Shh.
43:39Shh.
43:41Damien, shh.
43:42It's all right, eh?
43:42Daddy's here.
43:43Raquel!
43:47Of course we've been on holiday before, Rodney.
43:48We had a bloody good time, didn't we?
43:50No, you had a good time, Del.
43:52Everybody else within a radius of 300 yards was praying their spleen would burst.
43:58You shouted things at women.
43:59You got us into fights.
44:01We were on holiday.
44:04Well, this time I'm looking for a more relaxing holiday.
44:07Relaxing?
44:08Ah, I see.
44:09So what you're trying to say, that I'm not relaxing...
44:11I'm not relaxing...
44:13Is that...
44:14Raquel, the baby's crying.
44:21Look, Rodney, that's all different now.
44:23That was in the past, you see, because I'm a changed man, see?
44:26The reason why I'm changed, I'm telling you, look, I'm a married man with a baby.
44:29Well, I mean, I've got a baby.
44:33See, that's the reason why I've changed.
44:35Because I've got a son whom I cherish.
44:38All right, darling, I'm coming.
44:40And there's the mother of my son whom cherishes me.
44:43Don't break your back, Trotter.
44:44I'll deal with him.
44:45Thanks, sweetheart.
44:52You're judging me by a few, what, misguided incidents, that's all.
44:57I've told you, I'm changed now.
44:59Rodney, come on.
45:01You want to go to Miami, don't you?
45:03Well, of course I want to go, but...
45:06Well, this time I want it to be...
45:07Sensible.
45:10Sensible?
45:11Of course you do.
45:13I'm sensible.
45:14Sensible's my middle name.
45:16Del, will you bring me a nappy?
45:17Yes, of course I will, sweetheart.
45:20See?
45:21See that?
45:25Look, Rodney, look, look.
45:26I mean, look, all that I want to do
45:31is just sit on a beach and relax.
45:35Well, same here.
45:36Well, there you are.
45:38They've got some blinding beaches in Miami.
45:41Yeah?
45:42Well, yeah.
45:43And I've got, um, some fantastic art museums in Miami.
45:48Yeah?
45:48Oh, yeah, yeah.
45:50I wouldn't mind someone out myself.
45:52Well, of course you would, and of course you can have it.
45:54Cinders.
45:55All you've got to do is to say the magic words.
45:58Yeah, but are you going to swing it with Raquel?
46:00Oh, that's...
46:02I've already done it.
46:03I've told...
46:03I've...
46:04I've...
46:04Shh.
46:07I told her straight.
46:11I said, I want to go to Miami with Rodney on holiday.
46:14That's what I said.
46:15And I said, you can like it or lump it.
46:17You can pick the bones out of that, darling.
46:19Derek!
46:21Come in, sweetheart.
46:23Come on.
46:24Hey, you and me, hey?
46:26What do you say?
46:26Yeah, yeah.
46:27Hey?
46:27Hey?
46:29Well...
46:30Shh!
46:30Hey!
46:31Yeah, come on.
46:31See the magic words, Rodney?
46:33Hmm?
46:35Yeah, all right, then.
46:36Yes!
46:38Good boy!
46:40That's it, you see?
46:41You know it makes sense.
46:42Hey!
46:43Rrrr!
46:44Oh, what's that, Mac?
46:46Yes, I'm just...
46:47Well, you see, Del, we're older now, aren't we?
46:49Hey?
46:49We can appreciate the finer things in life, eh?
46:52What?
46:52Not all!
46:53Do you want any?
46:54Yeah, yeah.
46:55Give me your...
46:55Oh, thanks.
46:58So, this time, let's be more...
47:00Well, what's the word?
47:02Sophisticated.
47:02Yes, that's a great word.
47:03I've got another word as well I was thinking of, like...
47:05Deber Mare.
47:07Yes.
47:07Yeah, that's a good word.
47:09You see what men were beginning to think alike, bruv?
47:11Yeah.
47:11Derek!
47:12Come here, sweetheart.
47:13I'm coming.
47:13I'm away.
47:14Oh, yes.
47:16Just a bit, look here.
47:17What is it?
47:19Could you work it then, won't it?
47:21Oh, God!
47:22Oh, God!
47:22Oh, God!
47:22Oh, God!
47:35Here.
47:38Have you seen it, brothers?
47:40Seen what?
47:40You know, our plane.
47:43Look at...
47:44It's only a jumbo jet.
47:47Yeah, well, they usually are.
47:49Well, mate, this is transatlantic.
47:50Yeah, transatlantic.
47:52Ha, ha, ha!
47:53Thank you for waiting, ladies and gentlemen.
47:55Put all passengers seated in rows 19 through to 14.
47:58Please come forward to the board now.
48:01Oh, what is the pleasure?
48:02Let's go.
48:02What are we, sir?
48:03There is a reason.
48:04You've only come on tour on a plane.
48:06Sooner, old big horse can take off.
48:07What?
48:08Hey, excuse me.
48:17What's your game, pal?
48:18Hey?
48:19Come on, there's no rush.
48:21Blimey.
48:21Anybody think he owned the plane?
48:23Hey, come on.
48:31Come on, brothers.
48:32Hey, hey, hey, hey.
48:34Everything's free in America.
48:37Give us the tea in America.
48:40Have a nice day.
48:41Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
49:11Have a nice day.
49:12Have a nice day.
49:41Have a nice day.
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