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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S09E02 2002 - Strangers On The Shore.
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00:00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:00:10Cause if you are the best ones
00:00:13But you don't ask questions
00:00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:00:18Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:00:24And the tides of the sea
00:00:26But is the one what's driving me
00:00:29And the road I've been in the sea
00:00:31Why do only fours and horses work
00:00:33The la la la
00:00:35La la la la la
00:00:37La la la la
00:00:39La la la la la
00:00:41La la la la
00:00:43La la la la la
00:00:45La la la la
00:00:47Dill?
00:00:51If you've got a minute, would you run a lever over my mini?
00:00:55Marlene, I am not a car cleaner.
00:01:00Merely agreed to do a bit of part-time driving for Boise, that is all.
00:01:05I'm sorry, darling, I forgot.
00:01:08You're just doing it to earn a bit of money?
00:01:11No, no, no, no, this is a hobby of mine.
00:01:13You know, I love driving you and Boise to weddings and what have you,
00:01:17hanging around and picking you up at midnight.
00:01:20Yes, Marlene, I am doing it purely to earn a few quid.
00:01:23It's no secret that I've got a few problems on the old financial front.
00:01:28I suppose being made bankrupt doesn't help, does it?
00:01:33Do you know, I never thought of that.
00:01:36Marlene, will you finish doing your make-up?
00:01:39Your face should be ready for the second coat now.
00:01:42Will you keep your noise down, Boise?
00:01:44Do you want the neighbours to think we're vulgar?
00:01:48Well, coffee?
00:01:50Oh, yeah, thanks very much. Cheers, boys.
00:01:52Uh, no, I mean, go round to the kitchen and make me a cup.
00:01:57Here, boys.
00:01:59You know, this car's a GTI.
00:02:01If you rearrange the letters, you've got yourself a personalised number card.
00:02:07Two figures in mine.
00:02:08Good afternoon.
00:02:20Oh, how are you?
00:02:21Have Mr and Mrs Boyce moved?
00:02:25Um, no.
00:02:27No, they're in prison.
00:02:29Yeah, I'm just, uh, searching the house, you know.
00:02:32I'm from the drug squad.
00:02:33They will be out on parole shortly, so, uh, what's your step?
00:02:42Thank you, officer.
00:02:44Not at all, Mum.
00:02:48Two sugars.
00:02:50I mean, I shouldn't be going to this wedding in my condition.
00:02:55I can't even smell my own aftershave.
00:02:58Mind you, I can't smell Dells either, so that's a plus.
00:03:01Do you keep your big mouth shut at this wedding?
00:03:03I don't want you being sarcastic to my family.
00:03:06Well, that's going to limit the conversation, then, isn't it?
00:03:08I mean, they make Grant Mitchell look intelligent.
00:03:12I'm fed up with having to defend you.
00:03:15The times I've said to them,
00:03:16yes, he's ugly, but he's successful.
00:03:20And you be nice to my mum.
00:03:22It's taken me five years to convince her you're not a vampire.
00:03:28All right.
00:03:29Looking forward to the wedding, then.
00:03:32You look lovely, darling.
00:03:34Whoa.
00:03:36Wait.
00:03:36Did I, uh, tell you about my new business, Dells?
00:03:43Well, you did mention it two or three dozen times.
00:03:47Yeah, five or six weeks from now,
00:03:50and Boyce will be flying off to Paris to sign the contract.
00:03:53He's going to be a multimillionaire.
00:03:56Oh, please don't.
00:03:57I'm going to wet myself in a minute.
00:03:59We don't know whether to buy a new house
00:04:01or have this one renovated.
00:04:04Marlene, have some sensitivity.
00:04:06Don't talk about millions of pounds
00:04:09and big houses in front of Dell.
00:04:11It'll make him feel nostalgic.
00:04:14It must be horrible for you and Raquel
00:04:16having all that money and then losing it.
00:04:19Good always comes out of bad, Boycey.
00:04:22As Raquel says,
00:04:24it's made her appreciate the little things of life.
00:04:27Marlene knows all about that.
00:04:31She had no choice.
00:04:37When the contract's signed, Dell,
00:04:40I'd like us two to get together for a little chat.
00:04:43I want to know what you did when you became a millionaire.
00:04:46Make sure I don't make the same mistakes.
00:04:55Marlene, where's my hair gel?
00:04:58Wherever you left it!
00:05:00Oh!
00:05:28LAUGHTER
00:05:56Hey, Uncle Rodders!
00:05:58Hmm.
00:05:59What was my dad like as a teenager?
00:06:02Horrible.
00:06:05Paya Kasha!
00:06:11Uncle Rodders?
00:06:13Hmm.
00:06:14What sort of teenager think I'll be?
00:06:17Horrible.
00:06:19Yes!
00:06:20Oh, Mum, Uncle Rodders says I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.
00:06:24Oh, did he?
00:06:25No, well, you know, what I meant was all teenagers are horrible, aren't they?
00:06:28They go through that Kevin and Perry period.
00:06:30Yeah, I suppose they are a bit annoying.
00:06:33But when you reach 21, a man leaves those days behind him
00:06:36and develops into a sensible, normal human being.
00:06:38Yeah.
00:06:39Anyway, so when I squeeze this tube, I squeeze this tube of onion puree into his hair gel.
00:06:46LAUGHTER
00:06:48So, Boycey goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac.
00:06:52LAUGHTER
00:06:53Well, that's the theory, anyway.
00:06:56Yeah.
00:06:57So, what's happening?
00:06:58Anything on a go?
00:06:59What's that about?
00:07:00It's all right.
00:07:01Just a bit of business.
00:07:02Nothing for you to worry about, right?
00:07:03Nothing for me to...
00:07:05Derek, may I remind you that I am the managing director of Trotters Independent Traders now.
00:07:09Cool!
00:07:10He's better than the bean, Owen!
00:07:13LAUGHTER
00:07:14Hang about, hang about.
00:07:15Hang on, will you?
00:07:16Look...
00:07:17You were declared bankrupt.
00:07:18You have been banned from running any company, from sitting on any board,
00:07:21or from dealing in any shares.
00:07:23They don't even want you riding past the stock exchange on a bike.
00:07:26LAUGHTER
00:07:27And you owe the inland revenue over £50,000.
00:07:30Yeah, well, all right.
00:07:31Who's the one that's out there earning money driving for Boise, eh?
00:07:34While you sit on your IQ...
00:07:36Excuse me!
00:07:37Hold on a minute!
00:07:38You too!
00:07:39I'm trying to eat!
00:07:40Yeah, all right, all right.
00:07:41I'll take this conference call into the boardroom.
00:07:45Oh, all right.
00:07:46Yeah, sorry about that, pal.
00:07:47What did you say?
00:07:48No, it was just Rodney, you know.
00:07:50He was reminding me who was in charge of the firm.
00:07:53What?
00:07:54Oh, yeah.
00:07:55LAUGHTER
00:07:58Look, I'm sorry to spoil your appetite, Raquel, but we can't hide from this thing.
00:08:02If we don't come up with that money in a few months' time,
00:08:05then the inland revenue are going to sell this flat to the highest bidder
00:08:08and we're all going to be at...
00:08:10I don't know where we're going to be.
00:08:12And I've got added responsibilities now.
00:08:14I know.
00:08:15But Del will think of something.
00:08:17Is that supposed to encourage me?
00:08:19It was Del thinking of something that got us in this mess.
00:08:22The judge blamed both of you.
00:08:24He said you were like two modern-day Neros playing at business while your empire burnt.
00:08:28We may have been two Neros, Raquel, but only one was fiddling.
00:08:33LAUGHTER
00:08:35Yeah, yeah.
00:08:36Cushty.
00:08:37Cushty monkey.
00:08:38Yeah, all right, monkey.
00:08:39All right, well, we'll see you, monkey.
00:08:41All right.
00:08:42Bonjour, monkey.
00:08:43That was monkey.
00:08:44LAUGHTER
00:08:46Anyway, he's only had a consignment of log effect gas fires coming from Slovakia.
00:08:52Derek, I am running the firm now and I don't want a load of Slovakian log effect gas fires.
00:08:57Yeah, I know, that's what I told him.
00:08:59Oh.
00:09:00Good.
00:09:01How do you know I didn't want them?
00:09:03Well, because we know what each other's thinking, don't we?
00:09:06You know, we've always been a bit telescopic.
00:09:09LAUGHTER
00:09:10Anyway, these gas fires, they're selling like hot cakes.
00:09:13Paddy the Greek, he bought 150 of them, right?
00:09:16And sold them to that builder who's renovating the Bob Marley estate.
00:09:19Got 50 quid a pop for him.
00:09:21£50 apiece?
00:09:22Yep.
00:09:23And then there's that Lenny Corby, you know, the gas theatre?
00:09:25No.
00:09:26He's putting one in each room and this big house that he's doing up.
00:09:29I thought, well, easy money.
00:09:30Then I thought to myself, you know, there's business, right?
00:09:34And then there's what Rodney's doing.
00:09:36LAUGHTER
00:09:38What are we into now?
00:09:39We're into party planning.
00:09:41Yes.
00:09:42And that sort of thing is big.
00:09:44Yeah, that's right.
00:09:45Up in Sloan Square, where they like a roasted pepper and a bucket of couscous.
00:09:49But this is Peckham, where they like, you know, a kebab and a tattoo.
00:09:54LAUGHTER
00:09:55It seems that they are very, very fond of log effect gas fires.
00:09:58Yeah, well, I've given it some consideration and I am interested in them now.
00:10:02Oh, good, cos I told him we'd have 20.
00:10:05Right.
00:10:06LAUGHTER
00:10:07Oi!
00:10:08Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, will you stop that?
00:10:11Oh, look, that is your uncle's urn, that is.
00:10:14LAUGHTER
00:10:15Oi, oi, oi, what are you doing up?
00:10:19It's daytime.
00:10:20I always get up.
00:10:21It's sort of a tradition.
00:10:22Yes, I know, but you're pregnant now and you're supposed to rest.
00:10:25Now, where were you going?
00:10:26To the kitchen to get some juice.
00:10:28I'll get you the juice.
00:10:29Oh, I can get the juice myself.
00:10:31I'll get the juice.
00:10:32No, I'm good at getting the juice.
00:10:33Oh, for God's sake, I'll get the juice!
00:10:35Col...
00:10:36Damien!
00:10:37Damien, go and get the juice.
00:10:38LAUGHTER
00:10:39You've got to calm down, Rodney.
00:10:42There's a long way to go, and at this rate,
00:10:44you'll be a nervous wreck by the time the baby's born.
00:10:46You've got to be very strong, both physically and mentally,
00:10:49before the baby arrives.
00:10:51I remember the night that Damien was born.
00:10:54LAUGHTER
00:10:56It was a wonderful, wonderful moment.
00:10:59But it was very, very traumatic and very, very stressful.
00:11:04And it wasn't a walk in the park for you, Raquel, was it?
00:11:07No, it wasn't.
00:11:10I'll go and get some more tea.
00:11:12And I'm going to get some cereal.
00:11:14Well, I can get...
00:11:15Me.
00:11:16Not you.
00:11:17Not anyone else.
00:11:18Just me.
00:11:19All right.
00:11:20All right.
00:11:21Just be careful.
00:11:22Oh, my God.
00:11:24Oi, Woody, come on, sit down.
00:11:26Even like a Moby.
00:11:27I've been waiting a long time for this baby.
00:11:29I don't want anything to go wrong.
00:11:31No, no, it's fair enough, fair enough.
00:11:34Tell me something.
00:11:35There's one thing I still don't understand.
00:11:38A year ago, you and Cassandra were really trying for this baby, weren't you?
00:11:44I mean, you was at it like a pair of goats.
00:11:46LAUGHTER
00:11:47I remember that you became so pale, you had to have your passport photo redone.
00:11:52LAUGHTER
00:11:54Derek, will you stop discussing my private life in front of Damien?
00:11:57Yes, yes, yes, all right, all right, sorry.
00:11:59Anyway, when nothing happened, she sent you up to Harley Street, eh?
00:12:04To have a little test on all your old, you know, on your...
00:12:06Yeah, I know.
00:12:07LAUGHTER
00:12:08Because I remember going around to your flat, you know,
00:12:11I couldn't get a bottle of milk in the fridge for specimens.
00:12:14LAUGHTER
00:12:16And I remember what you said to me.
00:12:18You said if it hadn't been for the magazines, you would have packed it in.
00:12:21LAUGHTER
00:12:25Look, we simply weren't very successful to begin with,
00:12:28and they thought that I might have a low count.
00:12:30Yes, I know, but you were back and forth there for ages.
00:12:33Shame they didn't give air miles.
00:12:35LAUGHTER
00:12:36And a low count?
00:12:37Cor blimey, who was on the calculator? Trigger!
00:12:40LAUGHTER
00:12:41I can't believe you.
00:12:42And then you announced that you've changed your mind about having a chavi,
00:12:46and then you go late-night shopping at Family Planning.
00:12:49Cassandra and I discussed it,
00:12:51and our initial reaction was, quite naturally,
00:12:53to hold back until the financial climate
00:12:55was more conducive to starting a family, right?
00:12:58Then...
00:13:00we had a change of heart.
00:13:01Yeah, well, I understand that.
00:13:03But in a minute, you're going to have the bailiffs, aren't you, as godparents?
00:13:06LAUGHTER
00:13:08We decided to try for this baby as a token, Dill.
00:13:11As a token of our belief in our marriage,
00:13:13of Trotters' independent traders,
00:13:15of the future of Britain.
00:13:17But most importantly of all,
00:13:19as a token of our belief in this family.
00:13:23Britney.
00:13:25LAUGHTER
00:13:27If your dear mother could hear you now,
00:13:29she'd be so proud of you.
00:13:31That's just how we feel.
00:13:32Good boy.
00:13:33Good boy.
00:13:34Here, I know how you get babies.
00:13:38I bet you do.
00:13:39It must have been horrible!
00:13:41LAUGHTER
00:13:43He's a lad, isn't he?
00:13:46I'll just go in there and kick his teeth down his throat.
00:13:48LAUGHTER
00:13:49You know how that kid does my head in.
00:13:55And I bet it was him who nicked your contraceptive pills.
00:13:59LAUGHTER
00:14:00He's so silly.
00:14:01No, I searched all over this flat.
00:14:03There was nowhere to be found.
00:14:05No, it was him.
00:14:06Rat boy.
00:14:07LAUGHTER
00:14:08Leave him alone. He's only young.
00:14:10Yeah, but he seems to know everything.
00:14:12It's like a cross between Harry Potter and Swampy.
00:14:15LAUGHTER
00:14:16Hey, Rodgers, come on.
00:14:17Get your arse in gear.
00:14:18We've got some business to sort out.
00:14:19Hey, go and start the man, will you?
00:14:21All right.
00:14:22He, er...
00:14:23Ain't got used to me being in Charles yet, has he?
00:14:25LAUGHTER
00:14:26See you, Raki.
00:14:27See you, Raki.
00:14:28Oh, bye.
00:14:30Final reminder.
00:14:32Final reminder.
00:14:33Final reminder.
00:14:35Final reminder.
00:14:36This is not a circular.
00:14:38No, it's a final reminder.
00:14:40LAUGHTER
00:14:41Oh, here's a letter addressed to Albert Trotter.
00:14:43It's from the Royal Naval Association.
00:14:45They obviously haven't heard.
00:14:47Should we open it?
00:14:48No, best leave it to Del.
00:14:50All right.
00:14:52I'm off, sweetheart.
00:14:53See you later, Cassandra.
00:14:55Del?
00:14:56Yeah?
00:14:57A letter's arrived from the Siemens Association.
00:14:59Oh, that'll be for Rodney.
00:15:00LAUGHTER
00:15:01APPLAUSE
00:15:17Got the two, please, Carol?
00:15:19All right, bossy.
00:15:21Don't roll.
00:15:23No, no, no!
00:15:24Not certainly.
00:15:25You are witnessing one of nature's great phenomena.
00:15:29One that, sadly, over the years, David Attenborough has ignored.
00:15:33It's called the Trotter Brothers trying to park a three-wheel van.
00:15:37LAUGHTER
00:15:38Hard on your left!
00:15:39Hard on your left!
00:15:40All right, now, that's it.
00:15:42Hard on your left!
00:15:43Hard on your left!
00:15:44On your left!
00:15:45Left!
00:15:46Right hand down!
00:15:47Right hand down!
00:15:48Hard on your left, Dave!
00:15:49Hard...
00:15:50Will you shut up?
00:15:51No!
00:15:52No!
00:15:53No!
00:15:54Look at your wrong angle, aren't you?
00:15:57So, how's business?
00:15:58No, no!
00:15:59Business?
00:16:00What business?
00:16:02I've just got myself a new truck.
00:16:04And I haven't had any bloody work since.
00:16:06I mean, everything's just bad news these days.
00:16:09Ah, well, that's where you could be wrong, my friend.
00:16:11Ahem.
00:16:13I'm in the motor trade, right?
00:16:15And recently, a fellow mason from my lodge
00:16:18mentioned my firm to a certain big-time player
00:16:21whose name I cannot possibly divulge.
00:16:24But, suffice it to say, he's a Lebanese gentleman
00:16:27who has made his mark in Europe.
00:16:33Now, pull down and straighten it up!
00:16:40How do you yell, Rodney?
00:16:41They reverse vasectomies quicker than this!
00:16:43Shut up, will we?
00:16:45Hard on your left, Dave!
00:16:47No!
00:16:50So, er...
00:16:51So, what's his business?
00:16:53Let's just say he's in the commercial sector.
00:16:57Negotiations are at an extremely sensitive stage,
00:17:00but in a few weeks' time,
00:17:02Boyce Autos could hold the UK franchise
00:17:04for most of them cheap, low-tax cars in Europe.
00:17:07Great!
00:17:08So, er...
00:17:09Where do I fit him?
00:17:11You?
00:17:12You don't.
00:17:13So, why are you telling me this, then?
00:17:18Well, you said it was all bad news, but it isn't.
00:17:22Next month, I could be a millionaire.
00:17:26I don't sudden believe you, Boyce.
00:17:29What are you trying to cheer you up, Denzel?
00:17:33Can you smell onions?
00:17:34If you don't get it in this time, I'm going to back it in myself.
00:17:43Oi!
00:17:44Who's running his firm now?
00:17:46Oh, it's got you puzzled as well, has it?
00:17:48LAUGHTER
00:17:49LAUGHTER
00:17:50LAUGHTER
00:18:01At last!
00:18:05You can't park there, Dave.
00:18:08LAUGHTER
00:18:09You park too close to a council-owned installation.
00:18:12It's part of my duties as an environmental hygienist
00:18:16to advise you of the law.
00:18:18LAUGHTER
00:18:19What's in that thing?
00:18:20Freezing salt.
00:18:22There's people like me at the sharp end
00:18:24who have to spread that salt on the roads in icy conditions.
00:18:28What icy conditions?
00:18:30LAUGHTER
00:18:31I have to attend lectures on modern climactic change.
00:18:34What with global warming and Al Pacino.
00:18:37LAUGHTER
00:18:39El Nino, Trigger.
00:18:41LAUGHTER
00:18:42You just don't know what's going to happen next?
00:18:44LAUGHTER
00:18:45Trigger, Rodney and I are going to get a bite to eat.
00:18:49If I buy you two pints of bitter and a cheese roll,
00:18:52will you turn a blind eye on...?
00:18:55You trying to bribe me?
00:18:57LAUGHTER
00:18:58Yes.
00:18:59All right, then.
00:19:00Come on, let's go.
00:19:02LAUGHTER
00:19:03LAUGHTER
00:19:04If I keep on, I'm going to tell him what I think of him.
00:19:07What's that?
00:19:08The neighbours, they've stopped talking to us.
00:19:11They're looking down their noses like they think we're criminals.
00:19:15LAUGHTER
00:19:16Oh, they've heard about my European deal.
00:19:18They're just jealous.
00:19:19Ignore them.
00:19:20LAUGHTER
00:19:21All right, what's that funny?
00:19:23It's your advert, innit?
00:19:25I mean, it's just stupid.
00:19:27Look, Rodney, I used to run my own firm.
00:19:29Yeah, I know you got probation for that, didn't you?
00:19:31LAUGHTER
00:19:32Yeah, well, it didn't go as well as I'd planned, too,
00:19:35but the point I'm trying to make is nobody reads the small ads.
00:19:39Now, well, that is where you're wrong, Mickey, you see,
00:19:41cos a couple of months ago,
00:19:43Boycey there put an ad in the paper for his car firm, right?
00:19:47It read,
00:19:48urgently required security guard.
00:19:51That night his showroom was burgled.
00:19:54LAUGHTER
00:19:56Just goes to show that someone reads the small ads.
00:20:00LAUGHTER
00:20:01Well, along the way, I've got business to attend, see.
00:20:05Yeah, you've got to go and cash that gyro check, haven't you?
00:20:08LAUGHTER
00:20:09Hello, Cassandra.
00:20:13How's my little good child, then?
00:20:15I don't know, Mickey, but my baby's doing all right.
00:20:17LAUGHTER
00:20:18See ya!
00:20:19LAUGHTER
00:20:20Oh, look! Here's the mum's a bee.
00:20:22Hi.
00:20:23Oi, oi, oi, what are you doing walking about like this?
00:20:26Raquel and I got fed up sitting around in that flat,
00:20:29so I decided to get some exercise.
00:20:30Like the doctor ordered me to?
00:20:32She's right, Rodney.
00:20:33Nowadays, doctors tell pregnant women to carry on as normal.
00:20:36Now, you're not thinking of having one of them natural births, are you?
00:20:40Oh, we have discussed using a birthing pool.
00:20:42With the dampness in your flat, I don't know why you're bothering me.
00:20:45LAUGHTER
00:20:46You know, it's such a shame you haven't got any fire grapes in your place.
00:20:54We've got young Lenny Corby fitting eight log effect gas fires in our house.
00:20:59LAUGHTER
00:21:00I must invite you and the family round for the big switching on ceremony.
00:21:04Give you something to look forward to.
00:21:06Please, boys, see, I'm having an adrenaline rush already.
00:21:10Oh, I'll tell you another thing.
00:21:12When the baby's born, don't worry if it's ugly.
00:21:15They're all ugly at birth.
00:21:16Well, that's true.
00:21:17Some are more ugly than others.
00:21:19Cos when Boise was born, the midwife held him up and slapped his mother.
00:21:23LAUGHTER
00:21:25All right.
00:21:28On that note, I shall bid you all goodbye.
00:21:31Come along, Marlene.
00:21:34You can drive me to the showroom.
00:21:36See you later, Cassandra.
00:21:37Bye, I'll...
00:21:39Oh, Del, I brought that letter down.
00:21:41It's not for Rodney, it's addressed to Albert.
00:21:43To Albert?
00:21:44Oh.
00:21:45I hope you're not going to have my experience, Rodney.
00:21:48From the moment the baby arrived, my wife gave me nothing but hell.
00:21:52Well, lots of women suffer from postnatal depression, don't they?
00:21:55But we'd adopted.
00:21:57LAUGHTER
00:21:59I'll tell you no notice as Sid.
00:22:01He's always been a cantankerous, miserable old sod.
00:22:04Yeah, and his wife was hot-blooded.
00:22:06She was Spanish.
00:22:07He only taught her English so he could stop speaking to her.
00:22:10LAUGHTER
00:22:11Hey, brothers, what's it this?
00:22:13There's an old naval friend of Albert's trying to organise a reunion
00:22:18for some of the crew that were in this fleet that went up to Denmark in 1944.
00:22:23Didn't know Albert went to Denmark?
00:22:25Well, well, he didn't. The fleet never made it.
00:22:27I remember him telling me about that, yeah.
00:22:29All the ships was named after sea creatures, weren't they?
00:22:31You know, HMS Shark, HMS Barracuda, that sort of thing.
00:22:34What was Albert's ship called?
00:22:36HMS Cod.
00:22:37LAUGHTER
00:22:38Yeah, yeah, that was it.
00:22:40Yeah, he said they got into some sort of trouble, but none of it was his fault.
00:22:45Well, that would have been a first name, wouldn't it, eh?
00:22:47Well, it's taking place in a village in Normandy.
00:22:50You'll have to write to the association, tell them that Albert isn't with us any more.
00:22:54Yes, yes, you are, I suppose. Yeah, I suppose so.
00:22:56Isn't it a shame Elsie Partridge didn't live long enough to go to the reunion?
00:23:00Bet she'd have loved to have been Albert's representative.
00:23:03Do you remember the night he told us their story?
00:23:05How they'd met and fallen in love before the war?
00:23:08Well, then he had to go off and fight for his country,
00:23:10and they both met and married other people.
00:23:13And then, years later, they met again and spent their last years together.
00:23:18LAUGHTER
00:23:20What's wrong with that scatty cow?
00:23:24LAUGHTER
00:23:26It's her hormones. We're doing somersaults, you know.
00:23:29Happens when they're pregnant.
00:23:30Oh, right. You're all right, ain't you?
00:23:33LAUGHTER
00:23:34Yes!
00:23:35It's like Captain Corelli's mandarin, isn't it?
00:23:38Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:23:44What's Captain Pirelli's mandarin?
00:23:47Captain Corelli's mandarin.
00:23:49It's a romantic film about two lovers who meet again after the war.
00:23:53Oh, that's a woman's thing, isn't it?
00:23:55Oh, yeah.
00:23:57Anyway, listen, I've had a thought.
00:23:59If Elsie can't go and represent Albert at this reunion,
00:24:03I think Rodney and I ought to go.
00:24:05Oh, yeah.
00:24:06Now, that is a brilliant suggestion.
00:24:07No, I think Albert would have loved that idea.
00:24:09I think he's not the only one who likes the idea.
00:24:12You two are just gonna go on a booze cruise, aren't you?
00:24:16That hurts, Raquel.
00:24:18That's a very cruel thing to say, Raquel.
00:24:21This is a family thing.
00:24:24We just want Albert to be remembered.
00:24:27It's like...
00:24:28Well, it is. It's our tutor.
00:24:30All right, I'm sorry, I was only joking.
00:24:32It's all right, sweetheart. I know you didn't mean nothing.
00:24:35Raquel, Cassandra.
00:24:37Look, it's a picture of my wife.
00:24:39Come and have a look.
00:24:41Look, I don't know how you feel about this,
00:24:44but we could take Albert's ashes and scatter them at sea.
00:24:47That's a very good idea, Rodney.
00:24:50No, he would really like that, wouldn't he?
00:24:52Yeah.
00:24:53We'll have to do it just as we come out of the harbour
00:24:56because we'll be too pissed to do it later.
00:25:04By the way, tell you what, why don't you drive Raquel and Cassandra home,
00:25:08I'll stay here and pick up the bill.
00:25:10Sure.
00:25:11Yeah, of course.
00:25:12Sid, what are all these little holes?
00:25:15Darts.
00:25:18It's a long story.
00:25:19See, I met her in 1950.
00:25:21Do you two want to lift home?
00:25:22Yes, please.
00:25:25Bye.
00:25:26See you, Sid.
00:25:27See you, Sid.
00:25:28Take it out of that, will you?
00:25:31Hey, Denzel, you still got that lorry of yours?
00:25:33Yeah, why?
00:25:34No, it's just that me and Rodney are thinking of going to France.
00:25:37Do you want to take a few rolls with you?
00:25:39Yeah, okay, thanks.
00:25:40No, not now.
00:25:41No, I mean, like, next month.
00:25:44Got a little idea, like, you know, rolling around inside my head.
00:25:46No.
00:25:47What do you mean no?
00:25:48You haven't heard it yet.
00:25:50Well, that's good.
00:25:51Because this way the police can't drag it out of me under interrogation.
00:25:55What's interrogation?
00:25:56What are you going on about, Denzel?
00:25:57Every time you have a little idea,
00:25:59someone in a blue uniform asks me questions.
00:26:01Can I help you if I am misunderstood?
00:26:05I'm not misunderstanding you.
00:26:07You can get beer and spirits very cheaply in France.
00:26:10And there's me with a lorry and Sid with a pup.
00:26:14So what are you saying?
00:26:18What I'm saying, Trigg, is that Del buys a thousand pounds
00:26:21where the par price alcohol.
00:26:23We drive it back in the truck.
00:26:25Sid gets a seller full of cheap booze and we share the profits.
00:26:28No.
00:26:29I was thinking of bringing you all back some nice French cheese.
00:26:33Hmm.
00:26:34But now you've suggested that.
00:26:37That is a brilliant idea, Denzel.
00:26:40First class.
00:26:41Yeah.
00:26:42A few trips like this we could earn ourselves some decent money.
00:26:46I'm not doing it.
00:26:47But it was your idea.
00:26:50No, it wasn't.
00:26:51Well, it was in a way.
00:26:54I mean, that's not what I meant to say.
00:26:56I mean, I was trying to sort of...
00:26:58I didn't mean...
00:27:00The thing is, I was just trying to...
00:27:03Is this thing anywhere near legal?
00:27:06Of course it is.
00:27:07Just don't tell Rugby.
00:27:08Just don't tell Rugby.
00:27:09LAUGHTER
00:27:11MUSIC PLAYS
00:27:13MUSIC PLAYS
00:27:15Yeah, Rodney, you do the honours.
00:27:41No, you would have liked it.
00:27:46But do it ceremoniously, right?
00:27:49Not like you're emptying a hoover bag.
00:28:11See you again sometime, hunk.
00:28:13Good luck, Alden.
00:28:20Do you hear that?
00:28:22I hope it's not his dentures.
00:28:24I can't believe it.
00:28:33What?
00:28:34Cassandra's birth control pills.
00:28:36Does anyone just work?
00:28:38Who put them in there?
00:28:39Bloody who do you think put them in there, Damien?
00:28:43He's a boy, isn't he?
00:28:48Anyway, you don't need her no more, do you?
00:28:51Because she's up to that.
00:28:52I know that quite is if he hadn't put...
00:28:53You know...
00:28:54He's a little sore, doesn't he?
00:28:58Yeah.
00:28:59I don't know where he gets it from.
00:29:02Must take off the record, eh?
00:29:03Yeah.
00:29:04Yeah.
00:29:05Yeah.
00:29:06Yeah.
00:29:07Yeah.
00:29:08Yeah, more than likely.
00:29:09Right, go on.
00:29:10Right.
00:29:11I've got to travel up this road about another three miles, Rudders, and then look for a sign
00:29:17saying, St. Clair La Chapel.
00:29:18Right.
00:29:19Right.
00:29:20I've got to travel up this road about another three miles, Rudders, and then look for a sign
00:29:34saying, St. Clair La Chapel.
00:29:37Right.
00:29:38Right.
00:29:39Where'd you get that from?
00:29:40Hmm?
00:29:41Well, this.
00:29:42Oh, well.
00:29:43Nothing to blend in with the locals, Rudney.
00:29:44I've always been a bit of a Francophile, you know?
00:29:45Right.
00:29:46More like a Franco-spend son.
00:29:47Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:29:48Just drive it where we are.
00:29:49Anyway, where is my book?
00:29:50Right.
00:29:51Right.
00:29:52Right.
00:29:53Right.
00:29:54Right.
00:29:55Right.
00:29:56Right.
00:29:57Right.
00:29:58Right.
00:29:59Right.
00:30:00Right.
00:30:01Right.
00:30:02Right.
00:30:03Right.
00:30:04Right.
00:30:05Right.
00:30:06Right.
00:30:07Right.
00:30:08Right.
00:30:09Right.
00:30:10Right.
00:30:11Right.
00:30:12Right.
00:30:13Right.
00:30:14Right.
00:30:15Right.
00:30:16Right.
00:30:17Right.
00:30:18Right.
00:30:19Right.
00:30:20Right.
00:30:21Right.
00:30:23Right.
00:30:24Right.
00:30:25Right.
00:30:26Right.
00:30:27Well, I mean, you know, I've forgotten a lot of the French I learned at school as well.
00:30:30Well, don't you worry.
00:30:31I'll be with you.
00:30:32Because it is a difficult language, you know.
00:30:35Because one of my most favouritest meals is duck a la ranch, but I don't know how to say that in French.
00:30:43It's canald.
00:30:46You can say that again, bruv.
00:30:51No, the French word for duck is canald.
00:30:54Is it? I thought that was something to do with the QE too.
00:30:59No, it's Q-nald. They're the ones that make the boats and what have you.
00:31:03The French for duck is canald.
00:31:05Right, lovely jubbly.
00:31:08Right, so how do the French say a la ronge then?
00:31:13A la ronge?
00:31:16The same as we do?
00:31:18Yes.
00:31:20Oh, dear.
00:31:22It's a pity they don't use more of our words, anyway.
00:31:28Stupid, isn't it?
00:31:29Yeah.
00:31:31I can't wait to get there, rudders.
00:31:33I bet they're going to throw a Mardi Gras.
00:31:37The old French, they don't scrimp when it comes to a celebration.
00:31:40That's right.
00:31:42I imagine it'll be some quiet little backwater somewhere.
00:31:45Yeah.
00:31:45I bet half of them don't even know the war's over.
00:31:49I bet half of them don't even know the war's over.
00:31:51Yeah.
00:31:51I bet half of them don't even know the war's over.
00:31:52I bet half of them don't know the war's over.
00:31:53I bet half of them don't know the war's over.
00:31:59I bet half of them don't know the war's over.
00:32:01I bet half of them don't know the war's over.
00:32:05I bet half of them don't know the war's over.
00:32:07I bet half of them don't know the war's over.
00:32:09Excuse me, did you say Trotter?
00:32:31Yeah, we're Albert Trotter's great-nephews.
00:32:34Very pleased to meet you.
00:32:36George Parker, I sailed with your uncle during the war.
00:32:40Is Albert not coming?
00:32:42Um, no, I'm afraid not.
00:32:45Unfortunately, he passed away a few months ago.
00:32:49Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.
00:32:53Yeah, well, so have we.
00:32:56Well, er, where's the crew?
00:33:00The crew?
00:33:01Oh, here!
00:33:02I'm the only one that's turned up.
00:33:04Oh, all the others are either dead in old people's homes or just couldn't be bothered.
00:33:11See, well, we're here to represent Albert, so, you know, let's get started.
00:33:17Oh, nice.
00:33:19Mr Mayor?
00:33:20See you, please?
00:33:22Are you wearing Albert's medals?
00:33:40Yes, with pride.
00:33:44Come on, Rodney, show some decorum.
00:33:46They're playing the American anthem.
00:33:47I knew we should have got a later, Teddy.
00:34:03Did I assert my opinion?
00:34:05No.
00:34:05I listen to bloody Dell like I've listened to him all me life.
00:34:09Still, it gives us a bit of time to see France.
00:34:12We've got sudden hours to kill.
00:34:22Relax, Denzel, relax.
00:34:26When I was married to Corrine, she was always saying that to me.
00:34:29Relax, Denzel.
00:34:32And I would.
00:34:34Then Dell had phone and...
00:34:36I like Corrine.
00:34:37I used to think that if ever I got married, I'd like it to be to a girl like her.
00:34:45Yeah, she was OK.
00:34:47You ever thought of getting married, Trig?
00:34:49No.
00:34:50I haven't met the right person yet.
00:34:53But I've always had this sort of image of my perfect woman.
00:34:59Sort of my dream girl.
00:35:01Yeah, what's she like?
00:35:03Oh, she's nothing to look at.
00:35:04Very plain.
00:35:05A little scar on her chin where she had a wart removed.
00:35:14Want a jelly, baby?
00:35:16Yeah.
00:35:17Oh, that's Albert, all right.
00:35:33You two haven't a clue, have you?
00:35:35You've led lives of luxury.
00:35:38You don't know what it's like to suffer on the high seas.
00:35:41As you have, yes, we do.
00:35:43We've served our time at sea, man.
00:35:45Where were you?
00:35:47The Falklands?
00:35:48No, I cruised round the Hawaiian Islands.
00:35:51A cruise later?
00:35:52That's not a ship.
00:35:53Cut the water off our feet.
00:35:56You should have been on the Russian convoys with your uncle and me.
00:35:59We had hundred-foot waves.
00:36:02Oh, I don't know.
00:36:02Got a bit choppy round Honolulu one night, didn't you?
00:36:05We had storm and tempest.
00:36:07Well, you should have seen our cabaret.
00:36:10We had hail and sleet.
00:36:12We had hail and pace.
00:36:18Sometimes I think about the future.
00:36:21I don't want to end up a lonely bachelor, like my cousin Ronnie.
00:36:24Then again, he did always have a strange taste in women.
00:36:30In what way?
00:36:32Well, there were men.
00:36:35I remember, Ronnie.
00:36:38Do you ever miss when you married Denzel?
00:36:41Well, there's some things I miss.
00:36:44Like to meet a nice woman, though.
00:36:46Yeah, me too.
00:36:47Take her out, give her something to eat.
00:36:49Yeah.
00:36:50Get to know each other a bit, you know?
00:36:52Might like each other.
00:36:54Then who knows, in time.
00:36:59Maybe she might do a bit of ironing for me.
00:37:05Yeah, hang on a minute.
00:37:08There's just something I want to know.
00:37:10How come you, the crew of a British naval vessel, right,
00:37:13managed to end up 30 miles inland?
00:37:17All right, come on, we've got to go.
00:37:19We were sailing in this fortilla.
00:37:22Oh, kill him.
00:37:24Or our way up to Denmark, we were.
00:37:26Yeah, to drop off military supplies to the Royal Marines.
00:37:29Our ship, HMS Codd, was at the rear of the fleet, and Albert was at the wheel.
00:37:38Well, we got a radio message to say a German fleet was approaching us from the opposite direction.
00:37:44Pretty soon, Gerry spotted us, and Albert, without waiting for orders, threw the ship to port.
00:37:51And five minutes later, we crashed.
00:37:54And what?
00:37:55The France.
00:37:56We hit some rocks on the Normandy coast and ran aground.
00:38:02Well, we were sitting ducks, weren't we?
00:38:05We knew Gerry was on our tail, so we legged it over land.
00:38:09We must have been going for two days and nights, and finally, we ended up here, in this little village, where the people, God bless them, took us in and hid us.
00:38:22Oh, the Gestapo came looking for us, but they never found us until that fateful day when we were betrayed.
00:38:28No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:38:30No, no.
00:38:31Now, I don't want to upset you, but Albert was a bit of a lad in those days, you know.
00:38:38He could sing, he could dance, he could play the piano, and the women liked him.
00:38:43And he liked the women.
00:38:45And during our stay here, how shall I put it, he kept himself busy.
00:38:52I don't believe him, the guarantee old git.
00:39:00Oh, too sweet.
00:39:03You know, it was every man for himself in those days.
00:39:06I mean, there was a war on.
00:39:08They were hard times, and everybody just grabbed whatever bit of pleasure they could.
00:39:22So, you know.
00:39:23I can.
00:39:24I can.
00:39:26You know.
00:39:27I can.
00:39:28I can.
00:39:30It looks, it looks, it looks weird, isn't it?
00:39:32I can.
00:39:34I can.
00:39:36I can.
00:39:38I can.
00:39:40Everything.
00:39:41I can.
00:39:44I can.
00:39:45I can.
00:39:46It looks.
00:39:47most of the men were either away fighting or locked up and when they got to hear about
00:39:59albert's shenanigans they weren't best pleased which was understandable under the circumstances
00:40:05so who grasped you up the french resistance one day the ss just turned up and rounded us all up
00:40:14and would you believe it albert with one or two others escaped and made it back to bloody
00:40:20excuse me i'm just going to the chance
00:40:25are you thinking what i'm thinking i think i am
00:40:36there's another one look
00:40:43good god it's like a geriatric village of the damned
00:40:50i don't know about sinclair la chapelle they should have renamed this place trottersville
00:41:00what do you think of all the other countries he's visited and what he must have got up to
00:41:07america india i bet he he didn't even leave australia alone did he
00:41:12africa middle east do you remember that woman he mentioned he's been putting it about all over the
00:41:18place raquel was wrong it wasn't like captain corelli's mandolin it was more like captain bird's
00:41:25nice banjo
00:41:35merci beaucoup au revoir
00:41:41i really don't understand you i mean we could have bought a bottle of duty free wine on a ferry
00:41:47yeah i know but things in here are probably a euro or two cheaper aren't they and we gotta save our
00:41:53money haven't we
00:41:55yeah spicy
00:41:57i don't believe it
00:42:01what's that what's that runny
00:42:03look over there
00:42:05hmm
00:42:07it's only denzel
00:42:09you're having me on aren't you
00:42:11hey hello denzel
00:42:13hey
00:42:14del
00:42:15rod
00:42:17hi
00:42:18fancy meeting you here
00:42:19just what i was gonna say what are you doing here
00:42:22well i had a free day and christmas is coming so i thought i'd pop over and get a couple of packs of cheap beer
00:42:28what brings you here
00:42:30oh well we were just coming back from uncle albert's reunion and rodney said as we're passing the warehouse why don't we whip in here and get a couple of cases of wine
00:42:39didn't you rudney
00:42:41yeah
00:42:43how have you got your truck with you
00:42:45well yeah it's helped the back actually why'd you ask
00:42:47no it's just that i was thinking that we haven't got much room in our little vein
00:42:51and uh i thought well if denzel's got some space in his truck
00:42:57we could take just you know a couple of extra cases can we rudney
00:43:01yeah maybe
00:43:03bill boy
00:43:05dave
00:43:07oh look it's trigger
00:43:09would you believe it
00:43:11only if i'd been heavily sedated
00:43:13hello trick
00:43:15what are you doing here
00:43:17you said mia's here at four o'clock
00:43:19i don't believe you sometimes trigger
00:43:27oh
00:43:29this is a set up isn't it
00:43:31what
00:43:33no no no no no no
00:43:35it was just a little surprise for you rothers
00:43:37oh right
00:43:39here we are surrounded by a million gallons of cheap booze
00:43:41denzel's got his truck outside and the nags head's waiting for its cellar to be filled
00:43:45oh
00:43:47keep your noise down will you
00:43:49oh okay i'll admit it
00:43:51it was my fault
00:43:53i agreed to it
00:43:55agreed to it with who
00:43:57well with me
00:43:59well you shouldn't have
00:44:01i'm running the firm now
00:44:03rodney everyone's at it
00:44:05it's just that we're a bit slow on the uptake
00:44:07i don't believe this
00:44:09and we need the money
00:44:13oh
00:44:15okay but i wasn't looking all right
00:44:17all right
00:44:19well say that you was in the toilet
00:44:21good boy rodney you know it makes sense
00:44:23i paid for it dell
00:44:25they're loading it out back
00:44:27for it come on
00:44:37did you see it
00:44:39and that
00:44:45oh my god
00:44:47come on denzel we better help out we haven't got long
00:44:49eh no it's all right tree got plenty of time yeah
00:44:51yeah plenty of time
00:44:53now wait a minute
00:44:55did any of us move our watches forward one hour to french time
00:44:58no
00:44:59no
00:45:00no
00:45:01oh my god we've only got half an hour before the ferry lit you
00:45:05get stick rodney
00:45:07oh
00:45:09yeah
00:45:11oh
00:45:13oh
00:45:23oh
00:45:25oh
00:45:35oh
00:45:37voila
00:45:39So how was Albert's reunion?
00:45:44Oh, yeah, brilliant.
00:45:46Thousands of people were there, weren't they?
00:45:47Oh, yeah, there was thousands and thousands, you know,
00:45:49and there's a fly pass like that and everything, yeah.
00:45:52Yeah, I tried to phone you, but I couldn't get through.
00:45:54All I meant to tell you, we had a letter yesterday.
00:45:56They've cut the phone off.
00:45:57Something to do with an unpaid bill.
00:45:58Oh, all right, I'll sort it out tomorrow.
00:46:01I'll tell them I couldn't call them,
00:46:02because they cut the phone off.
00:46:05Have you eaten?
00:46:06Yeah, on the ferry.
00:46:07Had a quick omelette salad.
00:46:09Dale had a mutton madras and four Irish coffees.
00:46:11Yeah, very nice of us, too, thank you.
00:46:14It was brilliant over in France.
00:46:15You should have seen the size of this wine warehouse we went to.
00:46:18I said to Denzel, we should have this sort of thing back in Britain.
00:46:21Denzel was with you.
00:46:23Eh?
00:46:26Yes, yes.
00:46:28Yes, he was there.
00:46:28Well, we just bumped into him.
00:46:31Like, you know, it was a coincidence, wasn't it, eh?
00:46:33Yeah, amazing.
00:46:34Yeah, it was absolutely...
00:46:36Oh, look, look what I got here, look.
00:46:37There, a bottle of champagne to celebrate our safe return, all right?
00:46:45I mean, all the arrangements we made with Sid.
00:46:48Del says to him, keep the pub cellar clear,
00:46:51we'll be back at eight, and what does he do?
00:46:54What?
00:46:55What do you mean, what?
00:46:56You were there.
00:46:57He allowed the brewery to make a delivery.
00:47:00The way that brewery carries on,
00:47:02anyone would think they own a pub.
00:47:14Trigger!
00:47:20Bloody hell.
00:47:21So, let me get this straight.
00:47:25You just happened to meet Denzel
00:47:27in a wine warehouse in France.
00:47:29And did Denzel have his lorry with him?
00:47:32I don't know.
00:47:32We didn't ask.
00:47:34Only I imagine you could get an awful lot of beer
00:47:35on the back of that lorry.
00:47:36And did Denzel follow you back?
00:47:38No.
00:47:39No, he stayed over there.
00:47:40Yeah.
00:47:41Yeah, that's right.
00:47:42He's having a little holiday.
00:47:44Yes.
00:47:45Oh, look, what I've got in here.
00:47:47I just remembered.
00:47:48Look at that.
00:47:49I got you a French football shirt, son.
00:47:51Oh, brilliant.
00:47:52I could try on.
00:47:53Of course you can.
00:47:53Go on.
00:47:54Here you go, Cass.
00:47:55Look, I got you some special French perfume.
00:47:57Yeah.
00:47:57And look what I got you, sweetheart.
00:47:59There you are.
00:48:01Oh, Del.
00:48:03They're lovely.
00:48:05Yeah, well, they say that diamonds are a girl's best friend.
00:48:08But zircon can be good company.
00:48:12Hello?
00:48:19Del, it's Denzel.
00:48:22Denzel?
00:48:23What's he doing phoning me all the way from France?
00:48:26No, he's down at your garage.
00:48:29I know what you've been up to.
00:48:30Why'd you lie to me?
00:48:32Because, darling, I didn't think the truth would do me any favours.
00:48:36We need the money, Raquel, and that is no lie.
00:48:40Well, let me speak to him.
00:48:41Bonjour, Denzel.
00:48:47Chance a lazy.
00:48:51Esprec'en de lingo.
00:48:54Esprec'en de l'eau de anglaise.
00:48:57Give it up, Del.
00:48:58We don't speak a word.
00:49:00So what are we going to do with him?
00:49:03Just have to let him go, won't we?
00:49:05You can't just let him go.
00:49:06A stranger on this estate?
00:49:08Can you imagine what a gang's will do to him?
00:49:10Yeah.
00:49:11For all we know, he could be part of Al-Qaeda.
00:49:14Oh, stupid.
00:49:16Yeah.
00:49:17I mean, does he look like he works in a furniture store?
00:49:19Well, no, no, no, no.
00:49:24Well, gang, so let's not even thank him.
00:49:26We'll just have to drop him off somewhere.
00:49:28And what happens if he gets pulled by the old bill?
00:49:31Oh, I'll be all right.
00:49:32They'll take him to that new immigration centre down at Croydon and look after him there, won't I?
00:49:36Yeah, but he was hiding in my truck and that's a £2,000 fine, for starters.
00:49:40Yeah.
00:49:42And some of these illegals cut a deal with the police by telling them who brought them in.
00:49:46How do you think us two would fare under British justice, eh?
00:49:49Well, we can't leave him in here all night, can we?
00:49:51Because he must probably suffocate or something.
00:49:55We'll have to take him back to the flat.
00:49:57Oh, yeah.
00:49:57What are we going to say to Raquel?
00:49:59We say, excuse me, darling, we've got a bloke here.
00:50:01Don't know who he is.
00:50:01Don't know where he comes from.
00:50:02Make him double egg and chips, will you?
00:50:04You are a plonker, Rodney.
00:50:06Have you got a better idea?
00:50:08At least this way we can keep an eye on him and stop him going to the police.
00:50:13Oh, I don't believe this.
00:50:16All right, look, you carry on unloading and we'll take him somewhere.
00:50:28So what are we going to say?
00:50:30I don't know.
00:50:31I do not know.
00:50:31We're just going to have to play it by ear.
00:50:33All I know is we've got to get him pugged away somewhere.
00:50:36Come on.
00:50:37Come on.
00:50:39Yank and I head to the penalty area.
00:50:40Back towards, uh, was that closer?
00:50:47Look who we bumped into.
00:50:51Yeah.
00:50:52He was just walking past.
00:50:57Aren't you going to introduce us?
00:50:58Yes, yes, yes, sorry.
00:51:03Yes, yes, yes, of course, of course.
00:51:04Um, this, this is Raquel, who is my significant other.
00:51:09This is Cassandra, who is Rodney's wife.
00:51:12And this is Damien, who is my son.
00:51:15And this, and this, this, this, this is Rodney's friend.
00:51:20Yes, yes, yes, yes, this is my friend.
00:51:28Does he have a name?
00:51:30Oh, don't be silly.
00:51:31Of course he has a name.
00:51:32Well, of course.
00:51:33Of course, of course he has a name.
00:51:37Well?
00:51:39Is that my name?
00:51:40His, his name, his name is Gary.
00:51:44Yes, yes, this, this is Gary.
00:51:50Good old Gary.
00:51:54Nice to meet you, Gary.
00:51:55Hi, Gary.
00:51:57Hi.
00:51:58He's, he's, he's a little, you know, he's a little bit shy.
00:52:03This, he probably wants to sit down.
00:52:05Rodney, help him to sit down.
00:52:06Gary, sit down.
00:52:07Sit down, good boy.
00:52:07There he is.
00:52:08Look, he's sitting, look.
00:52:09Like that, there he goes.
00:52:11Where do you know him from?
00:52:12Who, Gary?
00:52:15Yeah.
00:52:16Um.
00:52:17Oh, yeah, uh, it was from Rodney's evening school.
00:52:21Uh, yes, yes, from, from my evening school.
00:52:23But I was at your evening school.
00:52:25That's where we met.
00:52:27I don't remember Gary.
00:52:29No, this is another evening school.
00:52:31When did you go there, then?
00:52:33One evening.
00:52:37Would you like something to drink, Gary?
00:52:39Gary?
00:52:42Gary?
00:52:47Gary?
00:52:47Gary?
00:52:53Did you realise he said Gary?
00:52:55Gary, look at you.
00:52:56This is why he says it.
00:52:57Here you go, Gary.
00:52:58Oh, you killed me.
00:53:01He can't speak any English, can he?
00:53:04What?
00:53:04In?
00:53:04No.
00:53:05Of course, speak English.
00:53:06Well, he's like the talking clock once he starts.
00:53:08You can't stop him.
00:53:10Did you meet Rodney at evening school, Gary?
00:53:16Gary?
00:53:16Oh, my God.
00:53:21He's an illegal immigrant.
00:53:23Oh, shh.
00:53:24Mikel, don't say that, you laddie round this estate.
00:53:27He'll cause a panic.
00:53:28Oh, yes, you've got an illegal.
00:53:31Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
00:53:32I'm really am sorry.
00:53:33This is nothing to do with us.
00:53:35We found him in the back of Denzel's lorry.
00:53:38Look, we didn't have a clue he was there.
00:53:40He must have snuck in while we was having a coffee.
00:53:43Well, what are you planning to do with him?
00:53:44I don't know.
00:53:46Well, he can't stay here.
00:53:47Well, where's he going to go?
00:53:48Well, what are you suggesting we do?
00:53:49Just sit him down to watch the football.
00:53:51Well, we can't just chuck him out on this estate, Raquel.
00:53:53He'll be a crack addict by the second half.
00:53:57What do I think we might have to do?
00:54:00No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's all right, it's all right.
00:54:05No, no, no, look, look, it's, it's, it's, it's, look, a light, see?
00:54:09Lighter.
00:54:10Right?
00:54:11Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
00:54:14Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
00:54:26So, two teaspoonfuls of curry paste.
00:54:30Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
00:54:32That's one, two, one-four a pot, Kushti.
00:54:39Yes.
00:54:41I thought I could smell something.
00:54:42Yeah, I know.
00:54:43You can't wait for this, can you, sweetheart?
00:54:45I can.
00:54:47Oh, no, no, you've got to take your time.
00:54:49Take your time with this.
00:54:50Yeah.
00:54:51Mm.
00:54:51The longer, the better.
00:54:54Right, just got to find out what nationality Gary is,
00:54:57and then hand him over to the organisation that represents his people.
00:55:00But he doesn't speak any English.
00:55:02So how do you intend to find out where he comes from?
00:55:04Well, we...
00:55:05Yeah, good point.
00:55:10Where's Gary?
00:55:11Huh?
00:55:11He's having a shower.
00:55:12Yeah, I've lent him some of Del's clothes, Raquel.
00:55:14I hope you don't mind.
00:55:15Well, you could give him some of Del's aftershave, too, if you like.
00:55:18Ah, things are bad enough for him as it is.
00:55:22Well, Rodney's only gone and...
00:55:25Look at that.
00:55:26Do you know what I'm going to call this?
00:55:28I'm calling this Chicken Trotter.
00:55:30Oh, that could be a very apt name for it.
00:55:42Ah, all right, Gary?
00:55:45Well, got him.
00:55:46Yeah, well, you, uh, you come and sit down some, all right?
00:55:50Hang on.
00:55:52Oh, my God.
00:55:55He looks like a set of traffic lights.
00:55:58What if it's you, Daniel?
00:55:59Oh, he probably comes from some war-torn country somewhere.
00:56:03Might've probably witnessed mass murder, torture.
00:56:07Oh, yeah.
00:56:09Maybe he was one of the murderers and torturers.
00:56:14No, I mean, he don't look like a mass murderer, does he?
00:56:17Dressed in Del's pyjamas, Adolf Hitler wouldn't look like a mass murderer.
00:56:21Oh, my God.
00:56:23You could have colour-coordinated him a bit, Rodney.
00:56:25Yeah, well, fashion design never was my strong point, Raquel.
00:56:27All right, well, here we go.
00:56:31Right.
00:56:31Oh, very nice.
00:56:33Very, very tasteful, Gary.
00:56:35Yeah.
00:56:36Gary.
00:56:37That's a good boy.
00:56:38Get your laughing gear around that, will you?
00:56:39Why'd you make him a curry?
00:56:42Well, I just wanted to make him feel at home, didn't I?
00:56:45Del, I don't think he's Asian.
00:56:46He's more Arabic.
00:56:48All right, let's pop down to the perfect pizza
00:56:51and pick up a deep-pan pepperoni and sheep's head.
00:56:55It's only a ruby.
00:56:58It doesn't matter if you're an Asian, an Arab or an Eskimo.
00:57:01Everyone loves a ruby.
00:57:02Oh, there you are.
00:57:06Oh, Gary!
00:57:08Glass.
00:57:08Glass of water.
00:57:10Gary!
00:57:10Yeah, good boy, good boy.
00:57:11Yeah, give me a glass of water.
00:57:13Oh, Lonnie, here, I'll take that.
00:57:14He can finish that out there.
00:57:16Gary!
00:57:18Gary!
00:57:19I think maybe the vindaloo might have been a bit hot for the boy.
00:57:25It's the police.
00:57:26I know, it's the police.
00:57:27Oh, this is just great.
00:57:28I'm going to give birth in Hollowell.
00:57:30Shh, shh, shh, shh.
00:57:32I don't know, just shh, shh.
00:57:36Hello, who is it?
00:57:37Oh, boy, it's Boyce.
00:57:40It's all right, I need Boyce.
00:57:45Well, this is an unpleasant surprise.
00:57:50Rodney.
00:57:51Boyce.
00:57:53Good evening, Raquel.
00:57:54May I say you're looking particularly lovely tonight.
00:57:58And you two, Cassandra, you have that maternal glow that only comes from being in the family way.
00:58:07Hello, little man.
00:58:09Do not touch me, buddy boy.
00:58:14He's a character, isn't he?
00:58:17What do you want, Boyce?
00:58:18Oh, a large cornea can be lovely, thank you, Raquel.
00:58:20You'll be lucky, Boyce.
00:58:23Here you are, Rodney, cheers.
00:58:24Now, Boyce, if you think I'm driving for you tonight, you've got another thing coming, pal.
00:58:29Oh, no, it's not that, Del.
00:58:31I've got a bit of a problem.
00:58:33I've been chucked out of my house.
00:58:37Good for Marlene.
00:58:39She's finally thrown you out.
00:58:40No, Marlene didn't.
00:58:41The police did.
00:58:43The house is full of gas.
00:58:44Those bloody log effect fires Lenny Corby fitted are leaking all over the place.
00:58:51Well, on top of all that, the gas board can't turn it off at the mains because Lenny snapped the handle off.
00:58:58They've evacuated the entire road.
00:59:00Well, Marlene's gone off to her mum's with Tyler and I was going to check into a hotel, but I left everything in the house.
00:59:08Pass, wallet, credit cards, car keys, the lot.
00:59:11Fire Brigade won't let me back in because it's too dangerous.
00:59:15So all I've got is what I'm wearing.
00:59:19Well, that is bad news, isn't it, Boyce?
00:59:21So what are you doing here?
00:59:22Well, I was in trouble, Del, so I thought I'd go and seek the help of my best friend.
00:59:27Bet you decided to call in here first.
00:59:31Derek is my best friend.
00:59:32He always has been.
00:59:33Yeah, well, on your bike, Boyce.
00:59:36I just need your bed for the night, Del.
00:59:39I'm throwing myself on your mercy.
00:59:41Why can't you stay at Marlene's mum's with your wife and child?
00:59:44Because the batty old mayor won't let me in her house.
00:59:47We had a row at that wedding.
00:59:50She cast doubt upon my personal hygiene.
00:59:54Apparently there was this horrible smell of onion and she blamed me.
01:00:01Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat?
01:00:04Yeah, it's like having a seance with Mr Bean.
01:00:09Well, a dentist's got room at his place.
01:00:10Yeah, but he's not there.
01:00:11Nobody knows when he's going to be back.
01:00:14Why do I get the feeling you don't want me here?
01:00:17No, it's not that, Boycey.
01:00:18It is.
01:00:20No, look, it's just that we're overcrowded.
01:00:23Raquel and I got our bedroom.
01:00:25Cassandra and Rodney got their bedroom.
01:00:26Damien's got his bedroom.
01:00:27Yeah, well, a sofa will do.
01:00:28Oh, well, Gary's sleeping on that.
01:00:31Gary?
01:00:33Gary?
01:00:33Good God!
01:00:36This is Gary.
01:00:37It's Rodney's friend.
01:00:39What happened here?
01:00:39Did he get ready for bed in a power cut?
01:00:48They're your pyjamas and dressing gown, aren't they?
01:00:50You got it in one.
01:00:51Yeah, I should have realised it.
01:00:53Who else could combine lime green and fire engine red and make it work?
01:00:57Well, I've always had an eye for colour, you know me.
01:01:00Derek, could I have a word, please?
01:01:04Of course you can, sweetheart.
01:01:05Of course.
01:01:06Before you say anything, Boycey is not staying here.
01:01:23We've already got Gary, or whatever his name is, but at least he doesn't speak.
01:01:27Now, if you want to play Lawrence of Peckham, I'm such a you.
01:01:30But Boycey is not staying here.
01:01:32Look, darling sweetheart, I feel, well, I feel just a little bit guilty, you see.
01:01:38I was the one that made Boycey's head smell like a shepherd's pie.
01:01:42Good.
01:01:43Hmm?
01:01:44No, it's not good, because he wouldn't have had a row with his in-laws then, would he?
01:01:47And then he would have been staying in there.
01:01:49Not only that, there's these log effect gas fires.
01:01:54Oh, no.
01:01:55You sold them?
01:01:56No.
01:01:57No, it wasn't me.
01:01:58It was Rodney.
01:01:58It was Rodney.
01:02:00Rodney, I told him.
01:02:01I said to him, don't sell these gas fires because they're dangerous.
01:02:03But he wouldn't listen to me because you know what he's like, don't you?
01:02:07So, you know, I feel just a little bit guilty.
01:02:09It's only for one night, sweetheart.
01:02:11All right, one night.
01:02:14But if they're not gone by tomorrow evening, then I will be.
01:02:16No, they will be history, sweet.
01:02:18Oh, thank you very much, darling.
01:02:20You are a diamond.
01:02:21Mm, mm, mm, mm.
01:02:22No, it's just a little bliss, darling.
01:02:25All right, Boycey, we've decided you can stay.
01:02:29You can stay on the camp bed.
01:02:30We've got one in the cupboard.
01:02:31Oh, that's perfect, Derek.
01:02:33That's exciting for you, Damien.
01:02:35You're going to be spending the night on the camp bed.
01:02:37No, he is not.
01:02:38Well, he's only a little boy.
01:02:40You always get rid of the kids to make room for the adults.
01:02:42Yes, but in your case, we're making an exception.
01:02:45It's either the camp bed or nothing.
01:02:47All right, the camp bed it will have to be, then.
01:02:50Right, now then.
01:02:51Here we are.
01:02:53Now, I promise you that you will hardly know that I'm here.
01:02:57Do you make that drink for me, my girl?
01:03:04I'll tell you what, I am starving.
01:03:12Fancy a plate of curry?
01:03:14Lovely.
01:03:15Lovely.
01:03:16You still awake, Gary?
01:03:33Gay?
01:03:37That curry's doing a conger in my colon.
01:03:39I only had one mouthful.
01:03:48You still hungry, Gary?
01:03:50Gary.
01:03:52I'll make us a sandwich.
01:03:53Oh.
01:03:54Do sell-by dates mean nothing to the trotters?
01:04:15I've seen younger items on the Antique Roadshow.
01:04:18Oh, it'll have to be cheese, Gary.
01:04:23Got it.
01:04:34Oh, do you want pick-a-lily?
01:04:38What's the matter?
01:04:38Are you cold, son?
01:04:39Well, get back into bed.
01:04:40Mourn yourself up.
01:04:41Go on, go on.
01:04:42That's right.
01:04:42Get in this over there.
01:04:43That's right.
01:04:44Don't get back in there.
01:04:44You're very nice and warm.
01:04:45That's right.
01:04:46That's right.
01:04:48Blimey, you are cold, ain't you?
01:04:54Right, I'll tell you what.
01:04:55Get the suitcase out of the table.
01:04:57You set it up and I'll do the spieling, right?
01:04:59Excuse me.
01:05:00Hello?
01:05:01I'm in charge now.
01:05:03All right.
01:05:04What do you want to do?
01:05:06Well, I'll get the suitcase out.
01:05:08You can do the spieling.
01:05:09That's a good idea.
01:05:10Hello, sweetheart.
01:05:22How are you?
01:05:23One night, you said.
01:05:25Yeah, I know, but what...
01:05:25Four bloody nights, Derek.
01:05:27Four nights I've had them sleeping in the living room.
01:05:29Yeah, all right, all right.
01:05:30I'll have words.
01:05:31Don't worry.
01:05:32And Boycey keeps putting that rotten hair gel on and then having the audacity to complain
01:05:36about the smell.
01:05:39But I can't say anything to him, can I?
01:05:42Otherwise, he will know that it wouldn't be what done it.
01:05:45Oh, there you are.
01:05:46I have good news.
01:05:48The gas board has just given us the all-clear to move back into the house.
01:05:52Thank you for being there when I needed you.
01:05:54That's all right, Boycey.
01:05:55You'd do the same for us, wouldn't you?
01:05:58I suppose so.
01:06:00Oh, by the way, I'll get that smell sorted out if I were you.
01:06:05You know what?
01:06:06I reckon someone's dumped a kebab in your hot air duct.
01:06:09Oh, and do you know that contract I was telling you about?
01:06:12Oh, yeah.
01:06:12Well, I've got to go and sign it next Wednesday.
01:06:14I'm in Paris.
01:06:15Oh, go on.
01:06:16I want you to drive me there.
01:06:18Make the right impression.
01:06:20So, go and hire us a nice vehicle.
01:06:24Hire a nice vehicle?
01:06:25Well, you've got a showroom full of cars.
01:06:27Yes, but I want one that's going to get us there.
01:06:30It's only money, after all.
01:06:32You don't mind if I take your staff away, do you?
01:06:35No, not at all.
01:06:37In fact, I think I'll come with you for the ride.
01:06:39Yes, it'll be a good experience for you.
01:06:41Witnessing a man becoming a millionaire might rekindle a few memories.
01:06:44Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:06:47You are one fresh gear, isn't she?
01:06:52Hey, I've had an idea.
01:06:53Why don't we take Gary with us?
01:06:54We can drop him off on the continent.
01:06:56Oh, he's stupid, Rodney.
01:06:58If we get caught, we'll be the only people in history to get fined for trying to smuggle someone out of the country.
01:07:03You'll have to find him first.
01:07:06I saw him about an hour ago, hitchhiking round the Eiffelton Castle.
01:07:10He's gone.
01:07:11Damien and his mates took him to play football this morning.
01:07:14The last time I saw him, he was in a Volkswagen camper van surrounded by a bunch of Australian backpackers.
01:07:20Oh, well, we did our best for him, didn't we?
01:07:24Oh, yeah.
01:07:25Oh, I suppose he'll see a bit of the world now, won't he?
01:07:27Hmm.
01:07:31Can you smell onions?
01:07:32There you are, darling. I told you I'd get it sorted.
01:07:45Yeah, well done, Del.
01:07:47I'll see you back home.
01:07:48Our nice, uncrowded home.
01:07:50OK.
01:07:52Come on in, boss. Let's get selling.
01:08:02It's a van.
01:08:07Yeah, it's all they had.
01:08:08Yeah, they were right out of salutes.
01:08:10Yeah, go. Get inside. It's nice and comfy.
01:08:12I don't believe this is happening to me.
01:08:14This is the most important meeting in my life.
01:08:17I'm going in a van.
01:08:19Oh, shut up. Get in. Stop moaning.
01:08:26Let's understand one thing, Derek.
01:08:28We are not stopping any warehouses to load up with beer.
01:08:31Now, nothing was further from my fault.
01:08:35Police in Kent have found the missing billionaire's son, Rashid Mamoun.
01:08:41Mr Mamoun was kidnapped over a week ago
01:08:43whilst working at his father's wine warehouse in Sherbrooke.
01:08:47I was loading in the back of a truck when the kidnapper's trapped on me.
01:08:55I was taken to an apartment.
01:08:57I have no idea where it was.
01:08:59I was held there for four days and nights
01:09:02by two men and two women.
01:09:05I don't know what language they spoke.
01:09:08Say that in English.
01:09:09Sometimes I detected the occasional word of English.
01:09:13They brought a big man in to guard me at night.
01:09:16He carried a large knife.
01:09:17And it's very small to...
01:09:19Piazza.
01:09:22Onions.
01:09:24Interpol has launched the Europe-wide search for the criminals behind the kidnap.
01:09:28The only information they have so far
01:09:30is that the organization which they're calling
01:09:32the Gary gang may have South London connection.
01:09:46Interpol recharges activement les kidnappers dans toute l'Europe.
01:09:49Mr Boyce, this is Mr Mamoun.
01:10:11Delighted.
01:10:12Mr. Chairman says he has always admired the British.
01:10:33His grandmother met an English sailor during the war.
01:10:44Contracted to the rooster?
01:10:59You are happy with the contract, Mr Boyce?
01:11:02Oh, oui.
01:11:04Extremely.
01:11:05Then we will sign.
01:11:07Oh, great.
01:11:09Mr Boyce, this is Mr Mamoun's son, Rashid.
01:11:13There, there, there, there, there, there.
01:11:16I'm sure she is.
01:11:18Gary!
01:11:20Where are you?
01:11:21Where are you?
01:11:22Oh.
01:11:23It's my mother.
01:11:24It's your mother.
01:11:28You're coming in.
01:11:29Good morning.
01:11:30Good morning.
01:11:31Good morning.
01:11:31Everything is so great.
01:11:43Good pen.
01:11:53I came here to sign a contract that would have made me a millionaire.
01:11:57And thanks to you two, I end up getting arrested for kidnap.
01:12:00It's ridiculous. Kidnappers, us?
01:12:03Pussy, I was wondering, on the way back,
01:12:07do you mind if we stop off at the wine warehouse?
01:12:09Don't you think we're in enough sodding trouble as it is?
01:12:14Are you going to pay Del Overtime, please?
01:12:16No, I am not!
01:12:19Can you smell onions?
01:12:21Shut up!
01:12:27We've got some half-price crack ties, some miles and miles of carpet tiles,
01:12:31TVs, deep freeze, and David Bowie LPs,
01:12:35pool games, gold chains, worst names, and Edda Puss,
01:12:37and Trevor Francis' treksuits from a mushing shepherd's bush.
01:12:41Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush.
01:12:43No income tax, no VAT,
01:12:46no money back, no guarantee.
01:12:50Black or white, rich or broke,
01:12:53a wheel cut prices and a straw.
01:12:58God bless Hooky Street,
01:13:00Viva Hooky Street,
01:13:03Long-lip Hooky Street
01:13:06Saint M wanna be
01:13:08Hooky Street,
01:13:10Magnifique Hooky Street
01:13:12Hooky Street
01:13:15Hooky Street
01:13:19Hooky Street
01:13:22Okay.
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