- 16 hours ago
Tv, Only Fools And Horses S07E02 - The Chance Of A Lunchtime.
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But is the one that's driving me bizarre
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La-la-la-la
00:34La-la-la-la-la
00:36La-la-la-la
00:38La-la-la-la-la
00:40La-la-la-la
00:42La-la-la-la-la
00:44Oi, Albert
00:49Come on, a cup of tea out here for you
00:53Hello, son
00:54All right
00:55Kevin Rose from Cheltenham
00:57Wants to say hi to Pat Lodge
00:59Imagine all the guys have been playing cheat all night
01:01And they still haven't come up with a winner
01:03And so it's most entertaining
01:05I'll have you in a song in just a moment
01:23There we are
01:36Right, now then
01:38Here we go
01:40There we are, sweetheart
01:41There's nothing like a nice cup of Darjeeling to start the day
01:44That's my motto
01:45Thanks
01:46So, what are you up to today then?
01:52Oh, nothing much
01:52Just going to sit around and try and learn this
01:54Yeah, yeah
01:55I wish I'd never agreed to this audition in the first place
01:58I'll never get the part anyway
01:59Hey, come on
02:00You're giving up before you've even started
02:01You don't know how nervous I get at auditions
02:04Oh, you'll be terrific
02:05Remember the old saying?
02:08She who dares
02:10Wings
02:13You say so, Del
02:16Yep
02:17You know, you're the only one who's ever really given me any encouragement
02:20My ex-husband used to laugh at me
02:22To him, ambition, dreams and wonderful things were a waste of time
02:26Never lose sight of your dreams, sweetheart
02:29Well, I've always said, never lose sight of your dreams
02:32Do you know, when I was 18
02:34I said by the time I was 21 I was going to be a millionaire
02:37Really?
02:39Yeah
02:39Then when I was 21 I said, I'll be a millionaire by the time I was 30
02:43And then when I was 30, do you want to jam me dodger?
02:48Lovely
02:48I've never told anyone this but
02:53Do you remember when I was in America for a while?
02:55Mm-hmm
02:56Well, while I was there
02:57They were putting on AIDA at the Met
02:59Mm-hmm
02:59So I applied for a part in it
03:01I didn't get it
03:02There were union problems and I wasn't very good
03:04For a while my head was filled with big theatres
03:08You know, New York
03:09Broadway
03:11All that
03:13Stupid
03:15No!
03:17Not stupid at all, sweetheart
03:18Not stupid at all
03:19Because you had a go, didn't you?
03:21That's the most important thing
03:22You had a go
03:23Anyway
03:23I reckon it was all for the best
03:25How?
03:27Well
03:28AIDA at the Met
03:30I can't see you playing a policewoman
03:33Perhaps you're right
03:38Although I wouldn't have had to do much research
03:41My husband was a policeman
03:42Oh, God
03:44He was a
03:45God
03:46God
03:46Benny
03:47Yeah, didn't I ever say it?
03:48No, you did not
03:49You never told me that
03:50Oh, dear
03:51Do you see much of him?
03:55Do you see him at all?
03:55No, I haven't seen him for years and years
03:57Why?
03:58Me?
03:59Nothing
03:59No, I'm just curious
04:00That's all
04:00Just curious
04:01God
04:02Deer
04:03You never told me that
04:05You better explain it
04:07To yourself
04:08Oh
04:09Am I interrupting anything?
04:11No
04:11Oh, well
04:13Better luck next time
04:14All right
04:15See you later
04:16Yeah, all right
04:16Hey, listen
04:17I'm going round your flat this morning
04:19Through your front door
04:20Now, have you seen Cassandra since she got back?
04:23No
04:23Why don't you ask to meet her?
04:25Talk things over quietly between yourselves
04:27Well, if she wants to make the first move, fine
04:29Other than that, need I
04:30Well, is there a message that I can give her from you?
04:35Yeah, so you're still a Vesta
04:36Vesta?
04:39That's a boil-in-the-bag curry, isn't it?
04:42That's honestly
04:43A boil-in-the-bag curry?
04:46I thought it was
04:47You didn't do any shopping today then, Albert?
05:00No, that cup of tea I had this morning made me feel a bit rough
05:03I thought you were doing a shopping now
05:09I've been to lunch with my agent
05:11I wish I'd make a bag in the fridge
05:13Dale doesn't like fried food
05:15No, yeah
05:17Well, I'm sorry
05:18It'll have to be egg and bacon
05:19Oh, well, that's the way it goes
05:21Four rashes for me, please
05:23Hello
05:24Oh, by the way
05:26Here, when's that audition of yours?
05:28It's tomorrow
05:28Tomorrow
05:29I'm auditioning for Rosalind
05:31Rosalind do
05:32The part of Rosalind
05:34I've got to learn the whole of Act 3, Scene 2, but tomorrow morning
05:37I mean, how the hell am I going to do that?
05:39Don't worry about that, I'll help you
05:40How do you mean?
05:42I'll rehearse with you
05:42You know, I'll read all the other parts
05:44So you can get used to it
05:45You?
05:46Yes, me
05:47I used to do a bit of acting when I was at school
05:50Bloody good I was and all
05:51Yeah
05:51All right, then, thanks
05:52I'll get the dinner on
05:53Here
05:54You used to act at school?
05:56Oh, yeah
05:57I was, um
05:57I was in the nativity play
05:59Yeah, played the landlords
06:01Ha, ha
06:02Should have seen me
06:04There was a little dull boy, you know
06:06Strutting about
06:06And then there was a knock at the door
06:08Like, you know
06:09Someone answers the door
06:10I'm sorry, there's no room at the inn
06:12And then old Joseph
06:14Like he persuaded me
06:15To let him kip in the stable
06:17I tried to charge him
06:19One and six foot a night
06:20I've got the cane for that
06:22Those were the days, weren't they?
06:25Those were the days
06:25Hey, Rodney
06:26No, no, Rodney
06:27No, uh-uh
06:28Bring the doorbell
06:28Hey?
06:29Bring the doorbell
06:30We've got the cane
06:32No, just ring the doorbell
06:33All right
06:35Beeple props
06:48Hey
06:51What is that thing?
06:52Brilliant, isn't it?
06:53Brilliant
06:53It's my musical door chimes there
06:55Do you know they play 36 different national anthems?
06:5836 different national...
06:59You are kidding, aren't you?
07:01They ain't kidding, Raquel
07:02I can see it in his eyes
07:03How do you know they're genuine national anthems?
07:06Of course, they've written on the box here
07:08Look, what can't speak can't lie
07:09Well, I've seen up in the Olympic Games
07:11I ain't heard half the tunes this time plays
07:13Yeah, I know
07:14But how many gold medals has Fiji and Borneo won?
07:16But you see, if they had, you know, in the Olympics, pearl diving and put in the shrunken head
07:22What?
07:25You would have heard their national anthems, wouldn't you?
07:28Yeah, talking of shrunken heads, Rodney, I want a word with you
07:31Yeah, what is it?
07:35Er, listen to me, I was round your place today, right, hitting a new front door
07:39And I had a little chat with Cassandra
07:41And I think she's had a change of heart
07:43Oh, yeah?
07:44What makes you think that?
07:45Well, because I had a little chat with her
07:46And she said to me that
07:47She still loves you
07:50Very, very deeply
07:52Cassandra said that?
07:54Mm-hmm
07:55Yeah, so much so that she
07:56Well, she asked me
07:58To ask you if you'd be prepared to meet her tonight
08:02Where?
08:03Well, I don't know, some
08:04Where is it?
08:05Some little, er
08:06Little, er, restaurant whopping way, I think it is
08:09I don't know
08:09Well, that's not Cassandra's writing
08:11That's my writing, that is, isn't it?
08:13I mean, she just told me I wrote it down on a bit of paper, that's all
08:16There you go, what do you reckon?
08:18What do you reckon, eh?
08:19Yeah
08:19Well, because, you know, I ain't got nothing better to do
08:22No, good boy, lovely jubbly
08:24I hope she don't think she can buy me a bottle of wine and walk straight back in my lifetime
08:27No
08:28I don't think she means it, Rodney
08:30I don't think she does
08:31Because I think she wants to woo again
08:33Yeah
08:34Anyway, she booked the table for 7.30, right?
08:38So, look at the time now
08:39Come on, you'd better get your skates on
08:40Yeah, I'd better have a shower
08:41Yeah
08:41Thanks, Bill
08:43What are you thanking me for?
08:44I was just a messenger boy, wasn't I?
08:47I feel sort of nervous
08:48Nervous?
08:49What are you going to be nervous about?
08:50She's your wife
08:51Yeah
08:52Yeah, I'd just be myself, eh?
08:54No, try to make an impression, Rodney
08:56Yeah, yeah, you're right
08:58Right
09:01Well, are you going out tonight, then?
09:02Yeah, I've got to go down to Nags Head
09:04Because Mike and Trigger want to buy one of my musical doorbells
09:07Oh
09:07Well, do you want me to drop it off at the pub on my way out?
09:10No, no, no
09:10I've got to go, Rodney
09:11I mean, I've got to go
09:12Because at the moment, Mike and Trigger don't know they want to buy one of my musical doorbells
09:16Yeah, then I'm coming back and I'm going to help Raquel rehearse her play
09:20Oh, yeah
09:20You are rehearsing a play?
09:24Yeah
09:24Yeah
09:25Raquel's up for some audition
09:26That's right
09:27One of Shakespeare's famous plays
09:29And you are rehearsing it with her?
09:33Yeah
09:33Oh, can't you do it now before I go out?
09:37No
09:37Oh, please
09:39I could do with her luck
09:40You know, see how it's all done
09:43You don't understand, Rodney
09:44You don't understand, do you, eh?
09:46I mean, you can't expect an actress of Raquel's collider
09:49Just to start rehearsing that and drop up an act
09:50No
09:51She's got to search for her character, you see
09:55And it's all about motivation
09:57It's all about thought and sensitivity
10:00And that takes time, Rodney
10:03See, that takes time
10:05And apart from that, she's only just put the rashes in the pan
10:19Brilliant, isn't it, eh?
10:26Brilliant
10:26No more of that Avon-calling cobblers
10:29You know, the old stars and stripes
10:32You expect me to have one of them things on my front door?
10:35You're keen, I can tell
10:36Del
10:37They are cheap and tacky
10:39I've got one on my front door
10:41You most probably have
10:44You need a brain bypass to have one of them things, Philly
10:46How much are you selling them for, Del?
10:49Well, funny you should say that, Treek
10:52Because, eh, they normally retail at £36
10:55But you can have it for £13.50
10:59Including, that's isn't fitting
11:01Go on then, I'll have one
11:03Good boy, you know it makes sense
11:04Oh my God
11:08I thought you'd banned laughing in this pub
11:10Yeah
11:10With that sort, I have
11:13See them two blokes over there?
11:14Yeah
11:15They've been plying her with drinks since 6 o'clock
11:17I think they're a bit fed up with it now
11:19Really?
11:20Mm, you'll
11:20Would you call her a cab?
11:24Yeah, something like that
11:25No, no
11:27Would you phone for a minicab?
11:29The lady wants to go to Battersea
11:31Oh yeah, yeah
11:32You leave that to me, mate
11:33You see, I've got an understanding with British Telecom
11:35I'll make a phone call
11:37And they charge me for it
11:38I'm sorry, I apologise for him, sir
11:42It's his religion
11:43He's an orthodox tight arse
11:45How's it going, Treek?
11:49Alright
11:50Well, we're down to my sister's house at the weekend
11:53It was her 42nd birthday
11:54Oh yeah
11:55Wait a minute, hang on
11:57Your sister's five years younger than you
12:00That'd make her 39
12:01I know
12:02When she's a typical woman, she lies about her age
12:05Oh, that's a family
12:11Oh, mustard, mustard
12:12Raquel's boning up for an audition for a new play
12:15It's, uh, As You Like It by Shakespeare
12:18Yeah?
12:18Yeah
12:18Would it be on telly?
12:19No, no, no
12:20Not this particular one
12:21It won't probably be in this
12:22But in the West End, something like that
12:24I hope she don't change
12:25Raquel, why should she change?
12:27Well, they start mixing with all them posh actors
12:30And the next thing you know, they changed
12:31No, not my Raquel
12:33My sister went out with an actor once
12:36We played a cat in Puss and Boots
12:38She suddenly thought she was more intelligent
12:41And the rest of the family
12:42Yeah, but if you remember, Treek
12:45You had the same problem with your gold thing
12:47Didn't you?
12:49Work it out, Treek
12:50I'll be back in a minute
12:51I don't know
12:54Oh, sweetheart
12:55Excuse me
12:57How are you?
12:59How's the little baby?
13:02Oh, he's lovely
13:04He's up there with Boots
13:05Oh, yeah
13:06Hello, Bootsy
13:07Good evening, Derek
13:08Yeah, just saying hello to Marlene
13:09Yes, I noticed you approaching my wife
13:12And shaking her warmly by the Aries
13:14Shut up, you miserable old sod
13:18He's just having a laugh
13:19Yeah, he's just having a giggle, that's all
13:21Here, come on, let me buy a drink
13:22What do you want?
13:22I'll have a large cognac
13:24Marlene will have an orange juice
13:25She's just about to drive my son back home
13:27Okay
13:28Michael, can I have a small orange, small cognac and my special, please?
13:33Hey, Phil, I've got some pictures of the baby here
13:35Are you?
13:36Look
13:36Oh, he's champion, isn't he, sweetheart?
13:40Yes, he's got my eyes, hasn't he?
13:41No, his eyes are all warm and smiley
13:43So are mine
13:46My mum always said you had vampire eyes
13:50Yeah, well, she should know the old bat
13:52No, no, no, no, no
13:56I'll tell you what, though, he's got my eyes
13:58Definitely my eyes
13:59What are you...
14:00Oh, look at that, I never noticed that
14:01Mike, he's got your mouth, look
14:03That is Robbie's nose
14:07If ever I've seen
14:08What are you saying?
14:13I mean, honest, I mean, what are you talking about?
14:15I ain't talking to Brodney, how is he now?
14:17Oh, he's alright, sweetheart, he's fine
14:19Yeah, he's taking Cassandra out tonight, you know
14:22Trying to patch things up
14:23Oh, good, I suppose you've missed him, eh, Del?
14:26Yeah, it's cool
14:27Brodney, I mean, you must have missed him
14:30When he left your partnership
14:32Oh, yeah
14:32I miss him like George Michael, Mrs. Andrew Ridgely
14:36That woman is as soppy as the lorry load of monkeys
14:55You know, I got home this evening
14:57And discovered some salesman's flogged her a doorbell
15:00That plays 36 national anthem
15:02I've got one of them
15:05Yes, I'd have put money on that trip
15:08The difference is
15:10I live in a mock Georgian mansion on Kings Avenue
15:13And our neighbours are not going to appreciate
15:15Being awoken by the sound of long-lived Swaziland
15:18Every time the milkman calls
15:19Oh, he still calls round then
15:22I'm on phone now, boys
15:25Don't be too late
15:26No, I'll be about an hour
15:28You'll know it's me
15:29I'll play Mexico forever on the front door
15:31Wave goodbye to you, Daddy
15:36I am not in love
15:43I am not in love
15:48But I'm open to persuasion
15:53Please go away
15:56Where's the bed
15:59For romance
16:00Bye
16:00So
16:13How was Spain?
16:15Oh, you know
16:16Okay
16:17Good
16:19Did you do anything interesting?
16:22No, not really
16:23It was just Mummy and I at the villa
16:24To be honest
16:26It was a bit boring
16:27Can you imagine?
16:31No, I didn't mean being in your mother's company was boring
16:33Because she's not a boring person
16:35I know what you meant
16:37Good
16:38Excuse me
16:40Do you want a glass of something?
16:43I have the same as you
16:43Well, it's minimal water
16:45That makes a nice change
16:46I heard you'd been drinking heavily
16:48Heavily
16:52Silly
16:53Can I have a glass of mineral water, please?
16:58I think your father was exaggerating slightly, Cassandra
17:00Daddy didn't tell me it was Del
17:03Yeah, well, maybe I did go a bit overboard
17:07You know, when we left each other
17:10You mean when you left me?
17:12Same thing
17:13No, it isn't
17:14I didn't go anywhere, Roddy
17:16I was at the flat waiting for you
17:18You just didn't come home
17:19Yeah, well
17:21We came here to discuss these things, didn't we?
17:24Not to argue
17:24You started it
17:26I didn't
17:26I came home when you was on holiday
17:30And I found you'd changed the locks on the front door
17:32Yeah, well, I should have told you
17:34But that was no reason to kick the door in
17:36I didn't kick the door in
17:38I just sort of
17:39Yeah, I'm home
17:40I'm sorry
17:41Why did you go back there?
17:44I wanted to surprise you
17:47You did surprise me
17:48I didn't expect to come home to find my husband had kicked the front door in
17:52Look, I've got just as much right to enter that flat as you, Cassandra
18:02We have got a joint mortgage, remember?
18:05From the bank
18:06And what about that girl you took out?
18:09I didn't take any girl out
18:11You asked a girl out?
18:13That was just to make you jealous
18:15It was a stupid idea and I never went through with it
18:18Although at this moment in time it strikes me as being one of my better moves
18:22But this is obviously going to be a total waste of a good evening
18:25Just think of all the more interesting things I could be doing
18:28Like washing my hair
18:29And what about me?
18:31I passed up the chance to watch Del rehearse a Shakespeare play
18:34People have had fortune for something like that and I'd have had it for nothing
18:38I came here this evening hoping that you and I could find some common ground on which to base our future
18:44But it's pointless
18:45I'm glad I found out this early on in our marriage what you're really like
18:49Your drinking, your bouts of violence
18:52God, I can just imagine my future with someone like you
18:56You really are the silliest, pettiest, most childish person I ever had the misfortune to marry
19:01You fancy me, don't you?
19:07No, I don't
19:09Yes, you do
19:11You're a little flirt, you
19:13I hate you
19:15I wanted this to be serious
19:17I wanted to really tear into you
19:19Oh, so that's why you asked to meet me?
19:21I asked to meet you
19:22You must be joking, Roddy
19:24You're the one that did the asking
19:25No, Del come home and he said you'd asked to meet me
19:29And you'd suggested this venue
19:31Rodney, Derek brought a message round from you
19:35He said you wanted to meet in this res...
19:36Del
19:40Del
19:42Cute
19:46So now what do we do?
19:52I don't know
19:52Fancy showing me your tan?
20:01Yeah
20:01Can I take you all the same?
20:05No, I've lost me appetite
20:06Same here
20:08That's the new key
20:13I've got to go round to Mummy and Daddy's
20:16I've left some of my clothes at their house
20:18Won't be too long, will you?
20:21About an hour or so
20:22Do you remember your way home?
20:25I remember
20:25In case you get confused
20:27We've got a new front door
20:28Well, I'll see you in bed
20:34In about half an hour
20:35Sorry
20:38You're going to have trouble with that one, Michael
20:56Yeah, don't I know it
20:57The sooner that minicab arrives, the better
20:59Disgusting, isn't it?
21:02It's disgusting
21:02I like a lady to be a lady, you know what I mean?
21:05I can't stand a woman being drunk
21:07Staggering around a pub
21:08Dropping her crisps all over the place
21:09You know what I mean?
21:10I remember your mum
21:11Have you been by that tree?
21:16She was a lady, wasn't she?
21:18Oh
21:18Oh, yeah
21:19My mum was a lady
21:22You know
21:23Do you know she was the first woman in Peckham
21:26To smoke mentful cigarettes?
21:30Oh, God
21:31Look at the state of that
21:33I wouldn't be seen dead with that
21:35Let alone admit knowing it
21:37God, dear
21:38Damn
21:39Oh
21:40God, blimey
21:47How are you, darling?
21:54Oh, terrific, terrific
21:55How long's it been then?
22:01How long's what been?
22:03Since we last saw each other
22:05Have we met?
22:09You don't remember me, do you?
22:11No, I don't
22:12It's Trudy
22:13Trudy
22:14Trudy
22:15Were we engaged?
22:17Oh, yes
22:18You ain't half changed, sweetheart
22:21Well, ain't we all love it
22:23Look, hang on a minute, hang on
22:24I'll just go and get me drink
22:26I've gone right off that hot dog, Mike
22:31We made it up
22:34You and Cassie, we'll be back together
22:36Well done, brother
22:37Yeah, great
22:38I might make this as a minicab outside for somebody
22:41Yeah, that'll be for your ex-fiancée, Derek
22:43Get her out, will you?
22:47All right, Mike, give us a minute, will you?
22:48Give me a minute
22:48Oi, Dale, it's not another old fiancée, is he?
22:51Yeah, I'm sorry, Rodney
22:52I was very young at the time
22:53You, Cassandra, she's not out there in a van, is she?
22:56No, no, she's going round to her mum and dad's place to pick something
22:58I'll just come round and tell you I won't be home tonight
23:01What you mean is, Rodney, what you mean is you will be home tonight
23:04Yeah, yeah, my real life, I may
23:07That's right
23:07Well, um, there's your case
23:09Oh, right, Joe
23:10And thanks for having me, mate
23:11Oh, Rodney, come on
23:14It's a pleasure
23:14Cassandra didn't ask to make me, did she?
23:19No, I lied
23:21You're a conniving git, ain't you?
23:25It worked, though, didn't it, ain't it?
23:28Oi, Dale
23:30I've just seen Raquel and Albert getting off the bus
23:33Raquel? Raquel's coming in here?
23:34Yes
23:34She can't see me with that true, do you know how jealous she gets?
23:37No, Dale
23:38Look out
23:38Yes
23:39Tell me everything that's been happening
23:42Well, I
23:43Well, I'd love to, sweetheart, but your cab has just arrived
23:47Oh, look, look, Dale
23:49Why don't you come back to my place and we can talk about old times
23:53No, I'd love to, sweetheart, I'd love to, but you see, I've got to stay here and talk
23:58Some business with these gentlemen, you see
24:00Rodney, will you escort this lady to her cab?
24:02Yes, sir
24:02There you go
24:03I'll see you then, Dale
24:05Bye, sweetheart
24:05Here, here, tell her
24:06Shall you come in this pub often, then?
24:09No, no, no
24:10I've never been in here before in my life, have I, Mike?
24:12That's right
24:12Oh, bye, then, Dale
24:15Bye, bye, sweetheart, bye
24:16Bye
24:17Oh, lovely
24:18Oh, lovely
24:19Oh, is that my car?
24:23Is this a red car?
24:24It's my car, it's lovely
24:25It's lovely
24:26Oh, stand up, Rodney, I'll stay with you
24:29You're all right, you'll be all right
24:31Mike, you open the door
24:32Yes, oh, they're like, oh, this is nice
24:34Oh, oh, oh, oh
24:35Oh, oh, oh
24:37Oh, oh
24:39Oh, oh
24:40Oh, oh
24:41Cassie
24:43Cassie
24:45Cassie
24:47Cassie
24:48Cassie, we've got to talk
24:52Look, Cass, that bird was nothing to do with me
24:57She was some old sort, Dale was engaged
24:59Cassie
25:00Cassie
25:01Cassie
25:02Cassie
25:03Cassie
25:04Cassie, we've got to talk
25:05Cassie
25:06Cassie
25:07Cassie
25:08Cassie
25:09Cassie
25:10Cassie
25:11Cassie
25:12Cassie
25:13Cassie
25:14Cassie
25:15Cassie
25:17Cassie
25:18Case
25:22By no means, sir
25:38Time travels in diverse places
25:40With diverse persons
25:41I'll tell you who time ambles with all
25:44Who time trots with all
25:45Who time gallops with all
25:47And who he stands still with all
25:49That's it, bloody good, bloody good, Raquel
25:50Orlando
25:51Orlando
25:53Oh, right
25:53Oh, yes, just read that
25:54Oi, privy
25:59Who duff he trot with all
26:00What are you doing?
26:02I'm acting
26:03Don't, just read it
26:05Alright
26:06Oi, privy
26:12Who duff he trot with all
26:13Yes
26:13Mary, he trots hard with a young maid
26:16Between the contract of her marriage
26:17And the day it is solemnised
26:19For if the interim be but a senite
26:22Time's pace is so hard
26:24That it seems the length
26:26Of?
26:27Of seven years
26:28When do you got to lure this by?
26:30Tomorrow morning
26:31Oh, Del, he's right
26:35I'm going to make a real mess of this audition
26:37No, you're not, sweetheart
26:38No, you're not
26:39She's going to be terrific, isn't she, Albert?
26:40Oh, she are
26:41And if you're not
26:42What have you lost?
26:43What do you mean, what have I lost?
26:44Oh, it's only a bunch of Nancy actors
26:46Doing a play
26:47Which no one can make it in the tail of
26:49There
26:51That makes you feel much better, doesn't it, eh?
26:54You dozy old twonk
26:56This is authentic culture, this stuff is
26:58You're just such a gob, will ya?
27:00Now then
27:01Shall we continue, sweetheart?
27:03You sure you don't mind doing this?
27:04No, of course I don't
27:05I mean, I'm enjoying myself
27:06This is a blinding play
27:07Thanks
27:08Shall we start at the beginning?
27:09No, let's go on a bit, shall we?
27:10Just move on
27:11Saved by the doorbell
27:16What are you doing here?
27:23I thought you were staying at your own place tonight
27:25We've broken up
27:26You
27:26You've broken up?
27:30What are you talking about?
27:32You've only been together an hour
27:33What happened?
27:35She saw me standing outside the nags head
27:38With my arm around bloody Trudy
27:40You had your arm around another woman?
27:42Well, no wonder she's thrown you out, sir
27:44You're right, doesn't it, Rodney?
27:46Well, Trudy was nothing to do with me
27:47She was the old sort of...
27:48That was...
27:49She was...
27:51She...
27:53Just a friend
27:59Oh, just a friend, eh?
28:02How many times have I heard that?
28:07I've got no pity for you
28:09In fact, you disgust me
28:10Wouldn't do you any harm
28:11To take a leaf out of Dell's book
28:13Yeah
28:16I'm going to study this in the bedroom
28:18All right, sweetheart
28:20I'll see you a little later
28:21Don't you look at me in that tone of voice, Rodney
28:26How was I to know that Cassandra would see you?
28:29And anyway, what was you doing with your arm around Trudy?
28:31Stopping her from falling flat on her bloody face
28:33Do you reckon Cassandra would tell her dead?
28:36No, no, no
28:37She'll keep it personal between her and Rodney
28:39Yeah, away you go
28:45Er, Trotters International Traders, PLC
28:50Oh, hello, Alan
28:52Don't say I'm in
28:53Er, no, sorry, he's not in
28:55No, don't say I'm in
28:56Don't you just say don't say...
28:58Oh, God
28:58No, sorry, what I mean?
28:59He's not in the room
29:00He's in the...
29:01In the bathroom
29:02Yeah
29:03All right
29:04No, I'll take a message, yeah
29:05Yep, okay
29:08All right, Alan, TTFN then, bye
29:10He wants to see you in work tomorrow, first thing
29:15Oh, God
29:16It's all right, Rodney, it's all right
29:17Don't worry
29:18It's probably something to do with the business, that's all
29:20Anyway, I'm going to go off and help Raquel rehearse her play
29:24Now, if you hear any funny noises, right
29:27Don't worry, because it'll be me rehearsing my speech for Edging Court
29:31Well, that's it, innit?
29:34Alan is going to sack me
29:37Can't sack you
29:38Well, of course he can
29:40He owns a firm, doesn't he?
29:41That printing shop of his is overloaded with work
29:43He's got orders coming out of his ears
29:45Everyone's working overtime and weekends
29:48So what are you saying?
29:49He'll wait till the rush is over?
29:51During the war
29:51Oh, no, unk, please
29:52Not the U-boat and the field again
29:55We docked him the letter on our way to Greece
29:57We had our chief communications officer on board
30:00Tuppy Fox
30:01It's a funny name for a ship, isn't it?
30:04That was the officer's name
30:07Now, Tuppy, old Tuppy, he'd like to live it up once in a while
30:10And one night he was on duty
30:12And the captain come in, in the radio room
30:15And caught him with a Maltese girl in one hand
30:17And a bottle of gin with the other
30:18Put him under arrest and started court-martial proceedings
30:22Albert, is there any point to this story?
30:24Or are you just rambling?
30:25The Navy had a wartime rule
30:28Only commissioned officers were allowed to control the radio room
30:32Yeah, you're just rambling
30:33Now, Tuppy Fox was the only communications officer on board
30:37So you know what he did?
30:39I don't care what he did
30:40He resigned his commission, which meant...
30:43I don't know!
30:45Which meant the ship couldn't sail
30:47The captain had no choice but to refuse to accept Tuppy's resignation
30:51Once he'd done that, he couldn't proceed with the court-martial
30:54It was checkmate!
30:56I see
30:57So they needed him more than he needed them
31:01Exactly
31:01What I'm trying to say is
31:04Realise your own importance
31:06Tuppy Fox did and he went on to command his own submarine hunter
31:09Yeah
31:11You're right
31:13Cheers, hon
31:15Yeah
31:16He died in Palermo Harbour
31:21Dropped a depth charge in nine foot of water
31:26Cheers, hon
31:56Oi, Rodney!
32:19Alan, there's a letter for you waiting on the desk.
32:26Yeah, yeah, I'll deal with it later. I wanted to see you.
32:30Yeah, Dale said you wanted to see me.
32:32Look, um, you know that lunch we had with Ron Carey from the Harvey's mail order people?
32:37Oh, yeah, vaguely. That was months ago.
32:39Well, we got the contract.
32:42You're kidding.
32:43A three-year deal. We do all their junk mail, all their catalogues and all their office stationery.
32:48Well, that's massive.
32:49You're telling me?
32:50I think we can safely say we'll be having roast turkey again this Christmas.
32:54Yeah, but how are we going to handle it?
32:55We've barely got the staff or the room that covered our present workload.
32:58We take on more staff and we move to a bigger workshop.
33:01That's what I wanted to see you about. I've been looking at some new premises. I'd like you to see them.
33:07Well, where are they?
33:09You know that new industrial estate out at Nunhead?
33:13Alan, about last night.
33:15Last night?
33:17Yeah, you know, what happened with me and Cassandra.
33:20Oh, that!
33:21Well, needless to say, Pam and I were delighted with the news.
33:24Delighted?
33:25Well, Cassandra came home and told us you were back together.
33:28Oh, yeah.
33:29Well, I wanted to talk to you about what happened after that.
33:32Rodney, I'm a man of the world but I'm also Cassandra's father.
33:38I don't want to know what happened after that.
33:40Do you know what I mean?
33:42Yeah.
33:43Yeah.
33:44It's...
33:45It's...
33:46It's...
33:47It's...
33:48It's...
33:49Group F.
33:50All right, sweetheart?
33:51What are you doing here?
33:52Hmm?
33:53Ah, well, er...
33:54You know, I just happened to be passing.
33:55I thought I'd pop in and give you a lift home.
33:56Er, Del, this is Adrian.
33:57He's the director.
33:58Er, Adrian, this is Derek.
33:59He's, er, he's a friend.
34:00Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
34:02Ah, well, er, you know, I just happened to be passing.
34:03I thought I'd pop in and give you a lift home.
34:17Er, Del, this is Adrian.
34:18He's the director.
34:19Um, Adrian, this is Derek.
34:21He's, er, he's a friend.
34:22Oh, pleased to meet you.
34:23Yeah, and you, eh?
34:25They're new.
34:26So, how'd you do?
34:27I'm at the audition.
34:28Yeah.
34:29Very well.
34:30well. Cushty. Cushty. They can't be back. I told you'd be no trouble. You shouldn't ask questions like
34:35that. Oh, shut up, you're too picky. That's your problem. So, what can I get you? Small dry sherry,
34:40please, Adrian. Yeah, same here. Right, I'll have a key. So, are you in the business, Derek? No, no,
34:50no. No, I'm importer, exporter. I deal in fine antiques, quality objet d'art, mobile telephones,
34:58that sort of thing. Which, whilst we're on the subject, Adrian, I hadn't been doing a very nice line
35:05in computerised communication systems, which I believe would be right up your street.
35:11It's a musical doorbell. See, what happens, when you press the button. This is Jules.
35:19Jules is our set designer. Jules, this is Derek, Raquel's friend. Hi.
35:24Right. Oh, give me some vitamin C. I feel absolutely wrecked. Yeah, well, let's go and sit down at the table, shall we?
35:35All right, I'll just grab some food. Mm, I feel a bit peckish as well. Yeah, so do I. I'll pick you, what?
35:41Well, go and sit at the table. I need to talk to him. Oh, right. Come here.
35:46They think I can design magnificent stage sets on peanuts. I mean, these people don't have a budget. It's more like a whip rat.
36:12Yeah, I know what you mean. It's a bark, isn't it? Feel my hands. Feel my hands. Go on, feel them.
36:24Those are calluses. I'm the set designer, yet I have to help unload the lorries.
36:29Did I go to art college for three years for that?
36:32Well, no, no, of course not.
36:38Did you see the match the other night?
36:40Match? What match?
36:42You know, one between England and Yugoslavia.
36:44No, I'm not really interested in football.
36:47You were lucky. You were dead lucky. I mean, some of the decisions that ref made were criminal.
36:51They were. I mean, we was robbed. We was robbed.
36:53I mean, they showed the match on grandstand. I said to my brother Rodney,
36:56I said they should have shown it on crime watch. I'll tell you what I did watch.
37:02That Elizabeth Taylor film, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Isn't she the most gorgeous creature ever?
37:08Oh, yeah. Pity she got fat, wasn't it?
37:12Derek, her bone stretch and her eyes, her eyes simply sparkle. And her hair, her hair cascades everywhere.
37:19So, you won't.
37:34I got a suit.
37:36I'll tell you, you want to see these new premises Alan's going after, you know?
37:52They're cosmic, they're modern, they're big.
37:54Yeah, you've told us about 30 times already.
37:57I ain't never seen a place, but I feel like I could give you a guided tour.
38:01Well, I'm excited, ain't I?
38:02I tell you, Alan, he's going places.
38:06Oh, he's not the only one that's going places.
38:09Here, Raquel, I'm going to get all the hours to come down to your first night.
38:12Hey, Raquel? Raquel?
38:15Sorry, what did you say?
38:15I said I'm going to get all the boys to come down to your first night, you know, Trigger, Boisey, Rodney, me, the lot.
38:20And then when you come on stage, we're all going to give you a big cheer, like we're all going to go,
38:23Hooray!
38:24And that, what's his name, that, Adrian?
38:26I think that you've got a fan club already, wouldn't it?
38:29Hey?
38:29OK, thanks.
38:31Oh, cheer up, girl, you got the part, didn't you?
38:33Yeah, I got the part, Albert.
38:35Yeah, here we go, then.
38:37Hey, oh, sweetheart, get that down here.
38:39No, not for me, darling.
38:40Come on, sweetheart, come on, this is to celebrate your job, you know?
38:42I've got this letter to read, it's all the details of the play.
38:44I'd like to read it with a clear hair, darling.
38:46See you in a little while.
38:47Yeah, yeah, all right, then.
38:51What's that with her?
38:53I don't know.
38:55Ever since she's come back from that audition with that Adrian and all them other actors,
38:59she's been different.
39:01I don't know, maybe we embarrass her or something.
39:04Oh, Raquel's not like that.
39:05You don't know, Rodney, a cravat and a codpiece can turn a girl's head.
39:09I'll get it.
39:16Hello?
39:17Alan?
39:18Yeah, I've just been telling Della and Albert about their new premises.
39:21I was thinking, if we...
39:22What letter?
39:25Oh, yeah, that letter.
39:28Yeah, let me explain.
39:29It was, well, it was a token, a gesture.
39:32Yeah.
39:33Well, the situation that existed then between Cassandra and I
39:36may have been causing you some embarrassment,
39:38and, well, I just wanted you to know that I was aware of it.
39:42Yeah?
39:44Mm-hmm.
39:46Fine.
39:48Er, just let me get this straight, Alan.
39:50When you say you've accepted my letter of resignation,
39:53what exactly do you mean?
39:57I see, yes.
40:08You handed in your resignation.
40:11I thought it was best.
40:14You stupid little blonker.
40:17That's the bestest job you've ever had,
40:19or ever likely to have, and you've chucked it away.
40:22Listen, I am in control of my own destiny.
40:25I am my own man.
40:27I make my own decisions in this world.
40:29And why did you resign?
40:30Because he told me to.
40:33I never said a word.
40:35Well, you told me about that bloke on the boat
40:37who put in his resignation to get out of a court-martial.
40:40Oh, that was different, Sean.
40:41How?
40:41Well, he got away with it.
40:46I didn't think Alan would accept my resignation.
40:49But he did.
40:50Yeah, I know, he did.
40:53I thought I was too important to the firm.
40:55But you weren't.
40:57Yeah, I know.
40:57I won't bloody know now, don't I?
40:59Yeah, all right, all right.
41:00Calm down then, calm down.
41:03Give Alan a bell.
41:04See if I can get him to change his mind for you.
41:06Well, it's too late.
41:07Eh?
41:07He's already found somebody to replace me.
41:09Well, it was bloody quick, wasn't it?
41:10It was my assistant.
41:13Your assistant?
41:14What, that little kid?
41:16Yes.
41:17Ted's snotty-nosed Herbert, who's just left school?
41:22Yes.
41:23Elvis?
41:25Yes.
41:27He's doing what you were doing?
41:29Yes.
41:30Elvis, he ain't daft.
41:32Still, there's no worry about him winning blockbusters, though, is there?
41:36God, dear.
41:37He was the one that thought sugar diabetes was a Welsh flyweight.
41:41Look, he is just filling the gap until Alan finds someone of my expertise to take over.
41:50It's just strange that they should replace you with a silly boy.
41:53Why don't you just stay out of this, Albert?
41:55Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
41:56Don't you talk to an old war hero like that.
41:58Well, he's getting on me bloody nerves going on and on.
42:01It's your own fault, Rodney.
42:02You've got no one else to blame.
42:04You've got a lovely wife, a lovely flat, the bestest job in the whole world, and you blew it.
42:07Who was that bloke you was having lunch with today?
42:18That was just one of Raquel's artistic friends.
42:22Oi.
42:23What bloke's that, Dendell?
42:24You shut up, stay out of this, Albert.
42:25Yes.
42:37OK?
42:49Yeah, fine.
42:51Read your letter about your play, then?
42:53Yeah, I've read it.
42:58Look, sweetheart, if we've had a row, could you at least tell me about it?
43:02We haven't had a row.
43:03Everything's fine.
43:03It's not fine, Raquel.
43:04Well, it's not fine.
43:06Ever since you came back from that audition with that Adrian and Jules and all them others,
43:09you've been different towards me.
43:11I mean, what is it?
43:13Aren't I as good as those actor cronies?
43:15Do I embarrass you?
43:17What?
43:17Don't be stupid, Dendell.
43:18I am not stupid, Raquel.
43:19I'm not being stupid.
43:20Because I saw your face, you see.
43:23I saw your face when that Adrian asked me what I thought about Amlet.
43:26And I said I preferred Costellas.
43:30I saw your face.
43:32So, when do you start rehearsals and that, then?
43:45The tour doesn't start for another three months.
43:48Oh, well, that's all right, then, isn't it, eh?
43:50Gives you plenty of time to meet some more of your intelligent, sensitive actor people, don't it?
43:55Derek, will you get it into your thick skull?
43:57I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people.
43:59I'm happy with you.
44:04So, what's the problem, then?
44:08Tour?
44:09Well, did you say this thing was a tour?
44:12That's right.
44:13It's a nine-week tour of the country.
44:15Oh, well, I didn't know that, did I?
44:17I mean, I didn't know that.
44:19I thought it was like, you know, a play that you put on local and...
44:23Oh, I see that now.
44:26Oh, that's it, is it?
44:28Right, eh?
44:30It's the lure of the big theatres.
44:33The applause, the applause, the show must go on and all that.
44:37We're not appearing in theatres.
44:40If you're not appearing in theatres, then where are you appearing?
44:43Schools.
44:44Schools?
44:45Yes, schools.
44:46It's a co-project between the Education and the Arts Councils.
44:49We're supposed to take Shakespeare to the inner cities.
44:52Imagine what it might have done for me.
44:54Yeah?
44:55Could have ended up being a dinner lady.
44:57Don't become like all the others, Del.
45:04Putting down every little dream I have.
45:06I'm not trying to put your dreams down, sweetheart.
45:14You know, I never do that.
45:16It's just that...
45:17I don't want you to leave me.
45:25I'm frightened you might not come back.
45:33I'm not going anywhere, Del.
45:34I'm turning the offer down.
45:35Well, you can't do that, sweetheart.
45:39You can't do that.
45:41No, this is, you know, this is a golden opportunity, this.
45:45Don't worry about me.
45:46I'm just, you know, I'm just being a bit selfish, that's all.
45:49I can't do that to her, Del.
45:50Why not?
45:56Because I've read the play again and again,
45:58and at no point does Shakespeare mention that Rosalind is pregnant.
46:04There's always poetic license, isn't there?
46:06Did you say you was pregnant?
46:24I've done all the tests and everything, it's certain.
46:31Blimey.
46:33Are you angry?
46:36Angry.
46:55Hey, hey, Albert, Albert, quick, come on.
46:59Give me the biggest bottle of champagne you can find out now.
47:01Bring it here, come on, come on, quick, quick, quick.
47:02Rodney, all right, get out of bed, you ladies.
47:05Let's go, let's go, quick, come in.
47:07Here, here, here.
47:08Tonight we celebrate, hooray!
47:11I'm angry.
47:12Me, angry.
47:16That's what I'm going to be angry, I'm going to be a daddy.
47:20Oh, I tell you what, I'll phone everybody up,
47:23I'll phone them all up, I'm going to have a party,
47:24we'll have a party, and we're going to fireworks,
47:26the biggest fireworks, and we're going to celebrate.
47:28What's all the fuss about?
47:30What's happening?
47:31Calm down, calm down, you two.
47:32Just calm down, listen to me.
47:34I've got to answer one simple question, right?
47:39How many people do you see standing there?
47:43One.
47:45No.
47:46I see two.
47:57Well, you know what this means, don't you, Albert?
48:00No.
48:02Either Raquel's pregnant,
48:05or Dale's pissed.
48:06No.
48:12You've got some awkward,
48:14some 90s,
48:18baby's only a few.
48:19Even strong, too,
48:21whistling, don't ever push.
48:22You ever can't protect each
48:24from a mission,
48:25you can push, push, push, push, push, push,
48:27push, push.
48:28No income tax,
48:30no pre-day, too.
48:31No money back,
48:33no guarantee.
48:34Black, white, white, retro, blue
48:37We lift up prices and a stroll
48:40God bless Hookie Street
48:45Viva Hookie Street
48:48Long live Hookie Street
48:51Saint-Magnifique Hookie Street
48:54Magnifique Hookie Street
48:57Hookie Street
49:00Hookie Street
49:03Hookie Street
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49:57
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