- 2 days ago
- #onlyfoolsandhorses
Tv, Only Fools S08E01 Heroes and Villains
#OnlyFoolsAndHorses
#OnlyFoolsAndHorses
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the pesters
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:25But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29Why do only foes and horses work
00:33La la la, la la la la, la la la la
00:38La la la la la, la la la la
00:59La la la, la la la...
01:10Oh, my God.
01:40Oh, my God.
02:10Oh, my God.
02:12Our jet-copter's arrived, Drekka.
02:15I'll summon the maid.
02:17I'll say bye-bye to Damien first, darling.
02:20How long's it going to be in the room?
02:23You're not a raspy heart.
02:25He's putting together a very important deal.
02:27He was talking to President Reeve him, wasn't he?
02:30President Reeves?
02:32Really?
02:40There you are, Rudney.
02:42Damien phoned for you hours ago.
02:44I know.
02:45State transportation workers had gone on strike.
02:48On strike?
02:49I thought Damien had made strikes illegal.
02:51Yes.
02:52The police were shooting them as I left.
02:55Damien said he wanted to see me urgently.
02:58Mm.
02:59Mm.
03:00I'll take you through.
03:03Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:05I've heard it all before.
03:07Oh, bonnet de douche.
03:09Bonnet de douche.
03:11What I'm saying, Mr. President...
03:14Oh, shut up, you tart.
03:17Listen to me, Keanu.
03:19You just sit there in the White House all day twiddling your thumbs.
03:22You're just playing at leadership.
03:24People are beginning to see through you.
03:26What's wrong with going to war with China?
03:29War is good.
03:30What a boy.
03:32What a boy.
03:33Well, of course, millions will be killed.
03:36A war without death is like a salad without order, Chris.
03:40Oh, you worry too much.
03:42I've got a busy night, so make the declaration tomorrow.
03:48What's going on here?
03:49I ordered a messenger over an hour ago.
03:52He's here, Damien.
03:54Damien's here, look there.
03:57Uncle Rodney.
04:06Damien?
04:07I want you in Beijing for the war.
04:10You report back to me.
04:12War?
04:13I don't want to go to war.
04:15War?
04:16It's good.
04:19I don't want to go to war.
04:21What would your Uncle Albert say?
04:23I don't know.
04:25We'll ask him then, won't we?
04:27Doin' the war.
04:28Doin' the war.
04:29Doin' the war.
04:30Doin' the war.
04:31Doin' the war.
04:32Doin' the war.
04:33Doin' the war.
04:34Doin' the war.
04:35Doin' the war.
04:36Doin' the war.
04:37Doin' the war.
04:38Doin' the war.
04:39Doin' the war.
04:40Doin' the war.
04:41Doin' the war.
04:42Doin' the war.
04:43Doin' the war.
04:44Doin' the war.
04:45Who?
04:46You rang your lordship.
04:48Sandra?
04:49What are you doing here?
04:52Damien took over my bank and fired me.
04:56Now I'm the maid.
05:00That's a job, Rudd.
05:02No.
05:03This isn't fair.
05:05Rodney.
05:06It's not right.
05:08You shouldn't be doing this.
05:10Rodney.
05:11Everything was nice and now you're going to messed it all up.
05:14Rodney.
05:15I want to go back to how it used to be.
05:18Rodney.
05:19Rodney.
05:20Rodney.
05:21Rodney.
05:22Rodney.
05:23Rodney.
05:24Rodney.
05:25Rodney.
05:26Rodney.
05:27Rodney.
05:28Rodney, wake up, you dipstick!
05:31Oh, God, it was a dream.
05:36Have you been smoking that Rastafarian Old Hoban again?
05:39Oh, no, I just drifted off there for a while.
05:43Oh, man, I had the wildest dream.
05:46Well, yeah.
05:47What was it about?
05:48Was it about sunshine and little birdies and that all going tweet, tweet, tweet, was it?
05:52All right, sorry.
05:53So, what's happening?
05:55What's happening?
05:56What is happening?
05:57What is happening?
05:58I'll tell you what's happening.
05:59We have bought 150 Latvian radio alarm clocks that go off whenever they bloody well like.
06:07We've also got 200 aerodynamic cycling helmets that turn out to be horse riders' crash acts that some git has sprayed red.
06:16We've also got a box of baseball caps that even E17 fans wouldn't wear.
06:21Oh.
06:22And also, my home improvement grant has been rejected.
06:25Apart from that, everything is fine.
06:28Thank God.
06:29Everything normal.
06:30Mikel!
06:31Darling, there's a letter out here for you.
06:33What's the matter with you, anyway, falling asleep a quarter to eight in the morning?
06:36Don't you get enough sleep at home or what?
06:38You know my situation.
06:40It's Cassandra and this baby thing, innit?
06:42Hospitals worked out another schedule for us.
06:45And that's it like a rattlesnake, Delis.
06:48It's horrible.
06:49I always thought that was your ambition.
06:51Well, some people dream of singing La Traviata at the Royal Opera House, don't they?
06:56Don't mean they want to sing it three bloody times a night.
07:00No, and off, mate, your throat's sore, wouldn't it?
07:03Yes.
07:08I put her on a special diet and all that.
07:10What?
07:11The...
07:12The gynaecologist.
07:13Right.
07:14He reckons it's only a matter of time, but Cass keeps getting all broody.
07:17I got her a rabbit.
07:21A rabbit?
07:22What's that?
07:23Part of her diet, is it?
07:24No, a pet rabbit.
07:25Oh!
07:26Something she made a fuss over.
07:27I know it was a stupid idea, I wish I hadn't bothered now.
07:30So, the hospital, they've passed all the tests and that, have they?
07:33Oh, yeah, yeah.
07:34And, oi, this is personal.
07:35I don't want this being broadcast.
07:37Of course not.
07:38Who's gonna listen?
07:39I suppose you've had her tubes looked at, have you?
07:42Yes!
07:43Because...
07:44Everything's fine, we just can't crack the case.
07:47Every day I'm taking specimens down to the clinic and God knows what else.
07:51Because it's all to do with ovums and... things.
07:57The hospital keeps showing me this film of inside the human body.
08:01Good, then I'll put you off, Del.
08:05Yeah, I should think so.
08:07Give me Debbie Does Dallas any day of the week.
08:10Anyway, listen, come on, we'll have a spot of breakfast if we go down the market.
08:13What do you fancy? Boiled egg?
08:15No.
08:20Oi, Del.
08:21Yeah.
08:22Can I ask a favour?
08:23Yeah.
08:24Can I ask this afternoon off?
08:25Why?
08:26She hasn't booked you in for another C and two, has she?
08:29No, no, no, no.
08:30Oh, what?
08:31We're having a celebratory lunch, cos, um...
08:33Well, it's my birthday.
08:34It's your birthday?
08:35Oh, a la bruchette.
08:39It's your birthday, I forgot all about it, didn't I?
08:43Oh, sorry.
08:44Look, well, if it's your birthday in that case, Rodney, the answer is no.
08:49You wouldn't expect Richard Branston to want the afternoon off?
08:53I doubt it, he don't even know it's my birthday.
08:58Not your birthday, I mean, if it was his birthday.
09:00Oh.
09:01No, because he wouldn't, he'd be too busy down the old financial fast lane.
09:05He wouldn't be going out, jodding it up, just cos it's his birthday.
09:08Oh, all right, then.
09:12Of course you're going to have the afternoon off, it's your birthday.
09:16Hey, hey, hey, come with you.
09:17I bet, you know, I bet you thought I'd forgot, didn't you?
09:20There you go, there's your cards.
09:21Look, birthday boy.
09:25That one's from Damien.
09:30Oh, bless him.
09:32No, don't worry about those for a minute.
09:34Take a look at that.
09:35That is a present from me and Raquel, of course.
09:39It's a chunky gold identity bracelet.
09:48Yeah, I can see that.
09:50Oh, it's just like mine, Rodney.
09:52See that? Look, look at that.
09:54It's great, that. 24-carat gold, no rubbish.
09:56Look, it's even got your name on it, look.
10:00Rooney?
10:02No, no, no, no, that says, look, Rodney.
10:06No, that says Rooney.
10:08I don't know where the D should be.
10:10Right? No, no, no, that is a D.
10:11It's just that it's like copperplate writing.
10:14Oh.
10:16Oh, come on, put it on, put it on.
10:17Oh, right.
10:20Now, come on, I don't want you getting all over-emotional on me.
10:24No, all right, then.
10:26Morning, Rodney.
10:30Hi, Raquel.
10:33What's that?
10:35It's a chunky gold identity bracelet.
10:40Rooney?
10:42No, that's Rodney.
10:44Looks like Rooney, that's an O, isn't it?
10:46No, that's a D. It's copperplate writing.
10:49Well, looks like Rooney from where I'm standing.
10:52Where'd you get it from?
10:53A birthday present, too.
10:56Oh, it's your birthday.
10:58Sorry.
10:59Happy birthday, Rodney.
11:00Thanks.
11:01Del chose the present.
11:02I didn't even know what he got you.
11:04Where is he?
11:05He's in the kitchen.
11:06He's a bit disappointed, actually.
11:07The council had just turned down his application for a home improvement grant.
11:11I suppose they didn't have half a million pounds handy.
11:14So what's he want to do, then?
11:16Who knows?
11:17Put an extension on the balcony and build a double garage knowing it.
11:20No, au contraire.
11:22I just wanted 5,000 pounds so I can improve the kitchen units, that's all.
11:26Well, that sounds fair enough.
11:28Oh, get real, Rodney.
11:29There was no way he was going to put new units in. He just wanted the five grand.
11:32Ooh!
11:34No.
11:35No, because the council would have checked to see you'd have the work carried out.
11:37Oh, blimey.
11:38All you've got to do is to give them 18-month sob story and they forget all about it,
11:42because you're too busy organising carnivals and things.
11:46Anyway, they've turned me down.
11:47I don't want to discuss it, because now it's epidemic, isn't it?
11:53Who's the letter from, sweetheart?
11:55I don't know yet.
12:00Look at this.
12:01Gits.
12:06Morning, Damien.
12:07I got the hat.
12:08Dad got it for me.
12:09Yeah, I know.
12:10It's a cracker and all, isn't it, son, eh?
12:12My dad gets me everything.
12:16Do you want to play war?
12:19Mum, I'm a bit busy.
12:22Come on, Ronnie.
12:23You've got time for a little battle.
12:24No, I'm all right.
12:26Honest.
12:27All right, you stay there, chap.
12:28I'll get you cereal, all right?
12:31When I'm older, will people still wear baseball caps?
12:34Yes.
12:35When you're older, Damien,
12:36people will wear whatever you tell them to wear.
12:38Oh, God!
12:44Little git!
12:47I fought for this country, shot and shell,
12:49and how'd they treat you?
12:51How'd they?
12:52Bloody fair, eh?
12:56Oh, you old Albert,
12:57your socks look like the bomb squad's been having a go, eh?
13:00All I need now is that hospital
13:02will get you and Cassandra pregnant,
13:03and I'll have two of the little sods bouncing things off of you.
13:07Oi!
13:08What do you know about me and Cassandra in the hospital?
13:09Nothing, son.
13:10Nothing at all.
13:13What's an ovum?
13:17I don't believe you!
13:18Were you listening to me and Dale's conversation?
13:21I wasn't listening.
13:22I just heard.
13:24Don't worry.
13:25You know me, son.
13:26I'm saying nothing.
13:27Left, right, left, right, left, right, left.
13:30Squad attention!
13:32There you are.
13:33Morning, Admiral.
13:34Listen, you be careful where you go and collect your pension
13:36down at the post office today.
13:37There's a gang of muggers hanging about this area.
13:40No, don't worry me, son.
13:42I box for the Navy.
13:43They used to call my left hand Trotters Trembler.
13:48I wonder what they called your right hand.
13:53Hey, Rodney, Rodney.
13:54Come on, come on, quick.
13:55Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.
13:56What's the hurry?
13:58Come on, just let's go, Rodney.
14:00Would you want me to loan the van, Doc?
14:01No, no, no, no, no.
14:02We haven't got time for that.
14:03I've got to take the cap and gear in to tune it up,
14:05and I've got to meet a bloke down the market,
14:07and you get your coat on and get out of here.
14:09Go on.
14:10See you later, sweetheart.
14:12Bye.
14:15Hey, what's the insta-charry for?
14:17I don't know.
14:20Oh, no, not again.
14:31Did I tell you what Councillor Murray said to me
14:33when she gave me this medal?
14:35Yes.
14:36Trigger, you are boring the pants off me
14:38with this bloody medal.
14:41No.
14:42She said,
14:43I thank you on behalf of the council
14:47and the people of Peckham.
14:53Morning, Sid.
14:54What do you fancy, Rodders?
14:55Uh, half a cheese roll.
14:57One cheese roll.
14:59I still find it hard to believe.
15:00So do I.
15:01Medals for road sweepers.
15:03Good God, they'll be giving Del Boye an award for good taste next.
15:08Good morning, Lord.
15:09Good morning, Del.
15:10Oh, thank God you've arrived.
15:13He could bore you two with it now.
15:15What say?
15:16Trigger's got a medal.
15:20Oh, yeah.
15:21Where'd you find that an entry?
15:22No, I was awarded it.
15:24Look.
15:26It's a picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray.
15:29See?
15:30That's me.
15:33Oh, that's you.
15:35I'm glad you cleared that up.
15:37Here.
15:38Have a look at that minute trick, will you?
15:43Oh, right.
15:44So that's that Councillor Murray, is it?
15:46She's the old coward that refused my application for a council grant.
15:51I've never been so humiliated in my life.
15:54Derek, when you have the time, you must tell me all about it.
15:58Hey, that doesn't mean some of your friends down at the Masonic Lodge
16:01have got influence in the town hall?
16:03No.
16:04It's just that I've often wondered what it must be like to apply for a council grant.
16:11The day started off so well, didn't it?
16:14It's Councillor Murray's idea.
16:16She's head of finance and facilities at the town hall
16:19and she says that local people should be rewarded for services to the community.
16:24A proud moment in my family's history.
16:27Trigger, you haven't got a family history.
16:29You were created by a chemical spillage at a germ warfare factory somewhere off the Depth of Costa.
16:36Maybe, but I still feel proud.
16:42So what exactly is the award for?
16:45For saving the council money.
16:46I happened to mention to her one day that I've had the same broom for the last 20 years.
16:52She was very impressed and said to have a medal.
16:5520 years.
16:57That's a long time, Dave.
16:59Yeah?
17:01Well, that's two decades, isn't it?
17:03I wouldn't go that far.
17:04Trey, just a second.
17:08If you've had that broom for 20 years, have you actually swept any roads with it?
17:15Well, of course.
17:17But I'll look after it, Will.
17:19We have an old saying that's been handed down by generations of road sweepers.
17:23Look after your broom.
17:25Would your broom look after you?
17:27No, don't. It's just, look after your broom.
17:29Well, that old saying.
17:31Yeah.
17:33And that's what I've done.
17:35I've maintained it for 20 years.
17:38This old broom has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.
17:54How the hell can it be the same bloody broom?
17:57Well, here's a picture of it.
17:58What more proof do you need?
18:03This has come as a bit of a shock to me.
18:06I haven't heard from you for years.
18:09The last time we met, I got the impression I wasn't very important in your life anymore.
18:14Yeah, I understand.
18:17OK, let's meet.
18:19No, I'll come to you.
18:21This weekend?
18:23I'm not sure.
18:25Del?
18:27I don't know, really. I suppose I'll have to tell him the truth.
18:30I'll give you a call.
18:32OK.
18:34I know you do.
18:36Of course I still love you.
18:40Bye.
18:41Bye.
18:42All right, sweetheart?
18:43Yeah.
18:44What have you been up to?
18:45Oh, me?
18:46I haven't been down the market.
18:47I met a bloke.
18:48Done a deal about some electric donut makers.
18:51Yeah.
18:52While I was down there, I pubbed into Boise.
18:53He told me that Mike down at Nags Head selling tickets for a party on Saturday night.
18:58You know, would you like me to go?
18:59This weekend?
19:00Yeah.
19:01Yeah.
19:02No, not really.
19:03Oh.
19:04OK.
19:05Any phone calls?
19:06Er, no.
19:07Del, can we talk?
19:08Of course we can.
19:09There's something I've got to tell you.
19:10I'd like to sit down.
19:11I mean, both of us.
19:12Right.
19:13I mean, both of us.
19:14All right.
19:15Well, I've got a party on Saturday night.
19:16You know, would you like me to go?
19:17This weekend?
19:18Yeah.
19:19No, not really.
19:20Oh.
19:21OK.
19:22Any phone calls?
19:23Er, no.
19:24Del, can we talk?
19:28Of course we can.
19:30There's something I've got to tell you.
19:32I'd like to sit down.
19:38I mean, both of us.
19:40Right, yeah.
19:52That letter I got this morning.
19:54It was from my mum and dad.
19:56I've just got off the phone to them.
19:58Oh, it's from your mum.
20:04Yes.
20:05Yeah.
20:06What's in my hand?
20:07I'm terrific.
20:08Oh, dear.
20:09I didn't know you had a mum and dad.
20:14That's right.
20:15What I meant was that, well, you'd never mentioned them before.
20:18Years ago, we had a big bust up when I told them I wanted to go into show business.
20:22I said I wanted to be a dancer and act and everything.
20:25Hmm.
20:26My dad, he's a bit old-fashioned.
20:28He said some nasty things.
20:29You can imagine.
20:32So I stormed out.
20:34Went into digs and that was the last contact I had with them.
20:37Until now.
20:38They got my address from the landlord at my old flat.
20:40They'd been phoning for the last couple of weeks, but they just kept getting the answer machine.
20:43Yeah, well, I know, darling.
20:45I mean, a lot of people get nervous about leaving messages on answer machines, don't they?
20:49No, they left lots of messages, but the rotten machine wouldn't record them.
20:53Oh, dear.
20:55I don't know what's wrong with this machine.
20:59I reckon that some of the electronic circuitry needs adjusting, that's all.
21:03You know, like that.
21:06So I phoned them.
21:08We had a nice chat.
21:10They seemed different, sort of understanding.
21:15I cried.
21:18Hey, hey, hey.
21:20It's all right, it's all right.
21:21Come on, sweetheart.
21:22Why not?
21:24My mum said they'd miss me.
21:26My dad said he loved me.
21:28Oh, well, come on.
21:30That is lovely jubbly, isn't it?
21:33I told them about Damien.
21:36Yeah.
21:38They were pleased.
21:39They seemed really excited they had a grandson.
21:42Told them all about him, all the little things he does.
21:47Did you, you know, tell them about me?
21:52I mentioned you.
21:56Did you, you know, tell them what I did?
22:00No, there wasn't time.
22:02They just wanted to know about Damien.
22:05Oh, yeah, of course.
22:06Of course he would.
22:07That's all right, yeah.
22:09They mentioned going up there at the weekend.
22:10They want to meet him.
22:11Oh, that would be nice.
22:12Well, we'll pop up there then, shall we?
22:15Yeah.
22:18The thing is, well, see, my dad's a bit of an old fuddy-duddy, and he hasn't been well recently.
22:26God, this bloody thing.
22:27And I think meeting you might be a bit too much for him.
22:33So I don't want to offend you.
22:35That's the last time that I buy anything off that Ronnie Nelson.
22:40Look.
22:42Right then, the weekend.
22:43Oh, Mont Blanc.
22:46Oh, no, I can't go on Saturday.
22:50Because I've got to go up to Covent Garden and pick up a van load of aubergines.
22:54Oh.
22:56Oh.
22:58And they were really looking forward to meeting you as well.
23:01Never mind.
23:03All right, sweetheart, I'll tell you what, why don't you and Damien go and have a nice time?
23:07Hey, why don't you take the Capri gear and let them see that their little girl has done all right for herself.
23:14Thanks, dear.
23:16I do love you.
23:19Yeah, I know, well...
23:21I mean, that's all a bloat, really, isn't it?
23:24Anyway, what does your dad do?
23:27He's an antique dealer.
23:28Is he really?
23:30All right, now, that's interesting, you see, because in the garage...
23:33I'm not taking anything with me.
23:35No, all right, then.
23:36No, okay, no, it's fair enough.
23:38Just a thought, that was all.
23:40Now, go on, you go, darling. Build a few bridges, eh?
23:43I'll try.
23:45I'll make you coffee.
23:46Yeah, that'll be lovely.
23:59Mum was crying.
24:01Oh, what's that, champ?
24:02Mum was crying.
24:03Oh, was she?
24:04Oh, dear, never mind.
24:06Come and sit here.
24:07Women do that, you know.
24:09You'll learn that when you get a bit older.
24:12Anyway, you know where you're going on Saturday?
24:15You're gonna go and see your Nan and your Grandad.
24:17Have I got Nan and Grandad?
24:18Yes, you have now.
24:20Did you get them for me?
24:22They belong to your mum.
24:25Oh, they're gonna make a right fuss of you, they are.
24:28They'll love you, because they're lovely people.
24:30What are they called?
24:31Hmm? What are they called?
24:33Well, they're called, um...
24:35Um...
24:37Nan and Grandad.
24:38I'll feed Roger.
24:39Yeah.
24:40Tracked a carrot in earlier.
24:41Good.
24:43Don't worry.
24:44I'm not.
24:45It's only once tonight.
24:46Right.
24:48At least I think it is.
24:49Just the once.
24:50Look at Tuesday.
24:51Happy birthday again.
24:53Well, they love, Kay.
24:54Sorry.
24:55Rooney.
24:57Dale's got to be the only bloke who can buy a gold identity.
24:58Oh, they love, Kay.
24:59Sorry.
25:00Rooney.
25:01There's got to be the only bloke who can buy a gold identity.
25:02Oh, they love, Kay.
25:03Oh, they love, Kay.
25:04Sorry.
25:05Rooney.
25:06It's all about, you know?
25:07Just the once.
25:08Look at Tuesday.
25:11Happy birthday again.
25:16Well, they love, Kay.
25:19Sorry.
25:21Rooney.
25:23Dale's got to be the only bloke who can buy a gold identity bracelet and take it to
25:27a dyslexic engraver.
25:29You got lots of nice presents as well?
25:33Yes.
25:34And I spoke to Mummy today, and she said as a special birthday present to you,
25:39why don't we fly over to the villa next week?
25:41I'm owed some time off, and Del hasn't given you a holiday since...
25:45Well, he hasn't given you a holiday.
25:48I thought it might help.
25:50Sangria, warm evenings.
25:53Yeah, sounds good, doesn't it?
25:55Hold on, what about a rabbit?
25:57Couldn't we give it to Del?
25:59No, he'd eat it.
26:01Well, aren't there any sort of kennels?
26:03You know, a place that looks after rabbits?
26:05Like a cattery, but, well, a rabbitry.
26:08A rabbitry? That's a Chinese Thai look.
26:12Hang on, can your mum and dad look after him?
26:15Hardly. They'll be at the villa with us.
26:17They'll be there as well?
26:19Where are we supposed to relax and stick to the schedule?
26:23Are your mum and dad there?
26:24I've figured it out, Rodney. We won't do it in front of them.
26:27When we want to, you know, relax, we'll go to our bedroom.
26:35What do you think?
26:37They'll be in a room next to us.
26:40I mean, what about all the panting and the screaming and the yes, yes, yes?
26:46You'll just have to control yourself.
26:47Besides, I can't leave Del. Business ain't going too well.
26:55Oh, come on, Rodney.
26:56I can't care. Still needs me here.
27:00You go.
27:02You don't mind?
27:03Well, of course I don't.
27:05Arrested do you good.
27:07It means we'll have to put our schedule on ice for a week.
27:12Well, I'm afraid so.
27:21You both got tickets for Saturday's party?
27:24Mmm.
27:26I can tell you're looking forward to it.
27:30Here, Boise, you and Marlene fancy something nice to eat?
27:34Yeah, I do, as it happens, Mike.
27:36Shall we pop down the harvester in a minute?
27:44I don't get much trade, but I do have a good laugh.
27:47Bloody hell.
27:49Here, Trig, do you fancy a ticket? Tenner each?
27:52Yeah, right-o, Mike.
27:54What do you mean, right-o, Mike? You don't even know what they're for.
27:58He's bound to tell you on a ticket, isn't he?
28:04I didn't think of that.
28:06Yeah, do you know, Trig, every year, us publicans, we hold a fancy dress ball.
28:10You know, prize is the lot.
28:12This year, it's old Harry Malcolm's turn.
28:14He's the governor down at the Crown and Anchor.
28:16He's holding the party at his house.
28:18He's got a great barn of a place over on the common.
28:20Hey, the first prize is a brand-new stereo system worth over £1,000.
28:25Yeah, fancy dress.
28:26I've only got my mohair suit and my best jumper.
28:29Perfect.
28:31Did I tell you about my medal?
28:33Yeah.
28:34Three times yesterday and twice this morning.
28:37Did I tell you, Marlene?
28:39Yes, love.
28:39You sent us a fax last night.
28:41It's all right, Mike.
28:49Oh, what's it, sweetheart?
28:50Hey.
28:52Stop it, honestly.
28:54Cassandra, get off all right then, did she?
28:56Yeah, yeah, just got packed in the airport.
28:58Hey, and Raquel's a waiter, isn't she?
29:01Bet you two will be out gallivanting Saturday night.
29:04No, not at all, sweetheart.
29:05A mug of born Vita, a plate of toast, a match of the day for us brothers, innit, eh?
29:08Oh, heaven.
29:10Oh, that's nice.
29:13Grooney.
29:16No, that is Rodney.
29:18You see, it's not an O.
29:20It looks like an O, but it's not, because it's copperplate writing.
29:26It's quite up today, innit?
29:28Yeah, got more life in one of these meat pies over there.
29:32Come on, Michael, give us a drink, will you?
29:34Yeah, lager top for Rodney, and I'll have, er, a Baileys and Cherriade.
29:41Hey, Dale, do you fancy something to eat?
29:43How's about a nice plate of beef stew?
29:46Oh, yeah, go on, I'll have some of that then.
29:47It'll keep the cold out, won't it?
29:48Oh, you want to be careful with the old beef, Dale.
29:51Oh, shut up, you brass.
29:52I don't know what you're worried about.
29:54I've been eating British beef all my life.
29:56LAUGHTER
29:57Egg and chips, please, mate.
30:07What do you want, Rodney?
30:09Oh, something that was fresh this morning.
30:11All right, give him the Daily Mirror, will you?
30:13All right, you.
30:14All right, Dale boy.
30:16All right, Dale boy.
30:18Any look?
30:19Yes, loads of it, Denzel, all bad.
30:22I bumped into Paddy the Greek.
30:23Do you remember those 9-carat, 24-carat gold bracelets?
30:29Well, apparently, they've all been deported,
30:32along with Ugandan Morris.
30:35Why do you trust him with all that gold in the first place?
30:37Because he told me he was an exporter.
30:40Yeah, an exporter.
30:41He just had to say from British Rile.
30:45LAUGHTER
30:45Life's one long struggle, isn't it, eh?
30:50Yeah.
30:51I feel a bit like that King Farouk trying to hold back the tide.
30:56LAUGHTER
30:56What are kids you look after now?
30:59It's can you.
31:00Yeah, you can say that again.
31:03LAUGHTER
31:03Hey, Dale, do you want to buy a ticket for a publican's ball?
31:06Yeah, certainly. Which one, left or right?
31:09LAUGHTER
31:09Your loss.
31:13Yes, well, I've got to go.
31:14The host is a fellow mason.
31:17Mind you, last year's due was a good laugh.
31:19Well, I heard it all ended up in a punch-up.
31:22Yes, it did, but during the struggle,
31:25Marlene got a whack in the know.
31:27And you did nothing about it, did you?
31:29Well, how could I? You threw the first punch.
31:32LAUGHTER
31:33Were you injured?
31:34No, fortunately, her make-up cushioned the blow.
31:36LAUGHTER
31:37I have just remembered.
31:42I was supposed to take Cassie's specimen to the clinic this morning.
31:44LAUGHTER
31:45I've gone and left it in the kitchen on your worktop.
31:50That's all right, don't worry, you can take it in a moroculture.
31:52No, you don't understand.
31:54It mustn't be left in direct sunlight, right?
31:56You've got to find a cool, dark spot where it won't be disturbed.
31:59How about Boyce's pants?
32:01LAUGHTER
32:02Yeah, everything's fine, Raquel.
32:11Yeah, although there's no food in the fridge.
32:14No, I'm not complaining.
32:15You just have a nice time, girl.
32:17All right?
32:18Oh, hold on, hold on.
32:19I think Del's back.
32:21Del, boy!
32:22Sorry.
32:24Are you Raquel on the phone?
32:25Oh, right, OK.
32:26No, tell her I'll take it in the bedroom, all right?
32:28He's going to take it in the bedroom, love.
32:31See you soon.
32:32Bye.
32:34I suppose your Cassandra will be there by now.
32:37Yeah, yeah, she'd have landed about an hour ago.
32:40Bloody Rooney.
32:42I don't know why you wear an ID bracelet.
32:45Men, real men, didn't wear them in my day.
32:47I used to wear them dog tags round your neck.
32:49That was an ID necklace, completely different.
32:53To be honest with you, I don't really want to wear this thing,
32:56but I don't want to hurt Del's feelings.
32:58Oh, I understand, boy.
32:59Yeah.
33:00During the war...
33:01No.
33:03I had a mate who had exactly the same problem.
33:07His mother bought him a gold watch, and he hated it.
33:10But he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
33:12So what'd he do?
33:13Well, one night he went round all the pubs in Portsmouth,
33:16flashing his gold watch about.
33:18On the way back to his ship, he got mugged.
33:20Problem solved.
33:22Oh, that was a good idea, wasn't it?
33:25A lot of muggings going on round here, Rodney.
33:27Albert, I'm not seriously considering it as a viable option.
33:30You've got all my team.
33:32Well, I'll just have to tell him.
33:35Be gentle, though.
33:36Look, Bill, um, about this thing you gave me for me birthday.
33:46It's a beauty, isn't it, eh?
33:47Eh?
33:49Well, yeah, but, um, well, the thing is...
33:51I'll tell you what, Raquel and Damien are really having a nice time.
33:55They're getting on really well, you know, with her mum and dad.
33:58Oh.
33:59Oh, well, that's good, isn't it?
34:00Yeah.
34:01Well, you didn't fancy going to meet your common law-in-laws, then?
34:03Well, to be honest, Rodney, yes, I did, but, er, Raquel didn't want me to go.
34:11Well, she told you.
34:13Yeah, I know.
34:15No, as you see, she was having a difficult time telling me, and, well, I made up an excuse
34:21and let her off the hook.
34:22Look, I think that she thought I might embarrass her.
34:28Yeah.
34:32Oh, what do you mean, that's silly?
34:36How could you possibly embarrass her?
34:38I don't know, that's what I thought.
34:40Hey, I'll tell you what.
34:42Did you know that her old man is an antiques dealer?
34:45Eh?
34:45Yeah.
34:46I thought I might let him have a look at that Jacobean cine camera we got in the garage.
34:50I'm sorry, you were saying about the, er, bracelet?
34:55Oh, no, nothing.
34:56I'm, I'm well pleased with it.
34:57Yeah, that's it.
34:59You'll never forget your name now, will you?
35:03The old goes away for a few days and this flat becomes a shambles.
35:07There's nothing in the feeds, the veggies on the turn and that apple juice is horrible.
35:11He's a mountain old git, isn't he, eh?
35:31Cassandra's specimen's gone.
35:33I don't believe it.
35:49What, am I going to tell Cassandra?
35:51All right, all right, you tell her, you tell her that, um, you spilt it in the van when
35:56you went round the corner.
35:58No, I can't lie to her, do you?
36:00All right, tell her Uncle Albert drank it.
36:01It's just one thing after another, isn't it?
36:09Rodney, listen, we've got to get out of here.
36:12What do you mean?
36:13Well, listen, I've been thinking.
36:15Now that Cassandra's away in foreign climes and Raquel's had it away on her toes to Milton
36:20Keens, you know what tomorrow is, don't you?
36:23It's the big party, isn't it?
36:24The publican's ball.
36:25So, I was thinking, while the mice are away, the cats could go out and play, eh?
36:32Be like the old days, Rodders.
36:35We aren't going to be pulling birds, are we?
36:37We never pulled any birds in the old days.
36:42Chance have we got now.
36:45Come on, Abe, what do you say?
36:46Well, it's just a bit of harmless fun, isn't it?
36:49Well, of course it is.
36:51A couple of hours, you know, sausage roll and a grin.
36:55I'll tell you what.
36:57The first prize is only a stereo system worth £1,000.
37:03What do they give prizes for?
37:05Well, for the best fancy dress.
37:07Fancy dress?
37:09Hold on, I ain't going out dressed up like some Zoom.
37:12Come on, Rodney.
37:13Look, it's only a laugh, isn't it?
37:14We just pop down the ice tree, get ourselves a couple of costumes.
37:19Rodney, I need your help to win this prize.
37:22Cos you're the one with the GCEs in art.
37:25You've got the flair and imagination.
37:29Shall I tell you what I'm imagining right now?
37:31Mm-hm.
37:32I'm imagining that since you knew Raquel was going away,
37:35you've been planning on going to this party
37:37and trying to win that stereo all along.
37:41How dare you!
37:45If only your mother could hear you now!
37:47Is that what you really think of me?
37:50Here I am with my child and my wife,
37:53gone away for what is obviously a demanding and draining weekend
37:57and all you can think of is,
37:58oh, that's all right, Del Boy can go out for a jolly up.
38:01That's it, is it?
38:02That's what you think of, Del Boy?
38:05Shallow as a worm's grave.
38:11You know, I just thought it was...
38:17Well, you know, it just seemed a bit...
38:20No, don't!
38:21I'm bleeding!
38:30I'm sorry, then.
38:34All right.
38:36Your apology is accepted.
38:39Oh, hold on, I just remembered.
38:41This do, it's an old ticket affair.
38:43Oh, I know, I got us a couple as we were leaving.
38:45Oh, sleep!
38:50I feel stupid.
38:52I don't know how we got out of the estate without being seen.
38:55Don't worry, we'll be there in a minute.
38:58Yeah, but then we've got to get home dressed like this.
39:01Well, who's going to see us at five o'clock in the morning?
39:03Yeah, it's nice.
39:05Five in the morning?
39:06You said we was only going for a couple of hours.
39:09Yeah, I know, but, you know, you get involved, don't you?
39:14What's happening?
39:17There must be something.
39:18Wrong.
39:19I wish I was mechanically minded like you.
39:21Oh, very funny.
39:24All right, I'll open the bonnet.
39:26You go and have a look at the engine.
39:27Oh, have a look?
39:28I'm not getting out dressed like this.
39:30You have a look.
39:31It's your van.
39:32You tart, Rodney.
39:34Did you say anything?
40:02No, it's all right dark in here.
40:16What are you looking for?
40:19Just trying to see if there's any petrol coming through the carbar.
40:26You idiots!
40:27What's that?
40:29It'll blow us the kingdom come!
40:32Don't be daft.
40:33There's no petrol coming through, is there?
40:36Must be some sort of a blockage.
40:38I mean, that's why we've broken down.
40:44Will you get back inside the van?
40:47I don't want people seeing you dressed like that.
40:50You're like a white wally.
40:51Come on, get in.
40:54Well, what are we going to do now then, eh?
41:08I don't know, Derek.
41:10We are sat in the middle of Peckham at 10.30, dressed up as Batman and Robin.
41:14And it was you who chose these costumes, and I wanted to go as the Blues Brothers.
41:20We would have still broken down and be in this embarrassing situation, wouldn't we?
41:26Oh, yeah.
41:27Yeah, we'd have been wearing suits and ties.
41:29Yeah, right, a couple of Zooms we'd have looked.
41:31We'd have never won first prize as the Blues Brothers.
41:38No, but at least we could have walked home.
41:41Oh, look, just, just shut up and try to think of a way out of this.
41:46All right, all right, let's just think about it.
41:56We phone the RAC.
41:58Yes, and we asked to get put through to the broken down whilst dressed as a couple of Pratt's department.
42:12All right then, the police.
42:14Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
42:15We never live it down.
42:17Our lives would be hell.
42:19We would have to hemigrate.
42:21At this particular moment, Del, that doesn't sound like a bad alternative.
42:28The pubs are going to be chucking out soon.
42:30They'll tear us to shreds.
42:33You know what?
42:35Harry's place is nearer than our place's.
42:40Do you know, we could be there in five minutes if we ran.
42:43We'll be seen.
42:45No, we won't.
42:46We mean be seen.
42:47Look, all the streets are empty, look, aren't they?
42:49At the moment, but I guarantee the second I'll step out of this van, a thousand people are
42:55going to pour out of the...
42:56Get out of a place where a thousand people are.
43:03No.
43:04Not if we go through the back streets and the back alleys, because the only people there
43:09are the winos and the crackheads, aren't they?
43:10And let's face it, they see Batman and Robin every night of the week.
43:13Five minutes.
43:18Five minutes?
43:20That's all we run.
43:33I'm going now, Tom.
43:35I'll see you out.
43:38Good night, Councillor Murray.
43:40Good night, Tom.
43:43Sorry, miss, you seen a policeman round here?
44:02No, I haven't.
44:03Good.
44:04Then get your money.
44:05What are you doing?
44:06Tom!
44:09Help!
44:10Someone shut her up!
44:11Get a briefcase!
44:13Gary!
44:14What's that happening?
44:22I have the faintest idea.
44:32No!
44:33Councillor Murray.
44:54Yes?
44:55I recognise you from your photograph.
44:57Gerrit Trotter, you may remember me.
45:02I wrote to you some time ago about a...
45:04Hell!
45:06Let's go!
45:09Sorry, moustache.
45:11Tuticles.
45:12Oh, poor shit.
45:13Oh, poor shit.
45:13Let me see you, William.
45:14What's a view, two comers?
45:17Oh, poor shit.
45:31Poor shit, will you?
45:38What's of you two, comers?
45:41I don't even know him.
45:43Ignore him, Rodney, will you?
45:44Just ignore him.
45:46Oh, dear.
45:48Come on, then, where is everyone?
45:49Straight through there, caped crusader.
45:53You are going to be nothing dressed like that.
45:56You see that, brothers?
45:57Look, we have come as Batman and Robin.
46:00Our voices come as the Penguin.
46:05Oh, no, dear boy.
46:07Not the Penguin.
46:09More like the Joker.
46:14Kenny.
46:16Mike from the next head.
46:18Listen, I was really cut up yesterday when I heard about your dad.
46:21Your husband.
46:23Still, at least he didn't suffer.
46:26No, he had a good innings, and he'd have been well chuffed to see all his family and friends turn up for his weight like this.
46:32Derek.
46:41Derek.
46:42Who?
46:43Harry died yesterday.
46:47Harry...
46:48Harry's up.
46:48Why didn't you tell us that out there instead of letting us come in here like that?
47:00Yeah, I mean, we was going da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na and completely slipped my mind.
47:07Strange what grief can do.
47:08Del, I don't know if you remember me. I'm Kenny, Harry's son.
47:20Yes, yes, of course, of course I remember you, yeah, yeah.
47:23I phoned around every one at the time the party was off.
47:26I must have left four or five messages on your answer machine.
47:28Obviously you didn't get them.
47:30Er, no, the machine's playing up a bit.
47:33I'm going to throw that bloody machine away when we get home.
47:36It's OK, Kenny, look, I am. I am really sorry about this.
47:40Don't be silly.
47:41The old man's most probably up there now and a bloody good laugh at us all.
47:45You'll stay, won't you?
47:48Yeah, no, no, of course, of course we're going to stay.
47:51Go and grab yourself a drink and something a week.
47:53Yeah, all right. Cheers.
48:06Here, there.
48:10Thanks.
48:13Didn't you know Harry had died?
48:17Of course we knew Harry had died.
48:19That's why we came dressed as Batman and...
48:22Thingy.
48:23Robbie.
48:24Yes.
48:28I suppose the prize giving's off now, then, is it?
48:30All right, Del? Dave?
48:37Bit of a choker old Harry popping off like that, didn't he?
48:40Yeah.
48:41Oh, we didn't even know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.
48:44Me neither.
48:48I mean...
48:49That's your costume?
48:51Yeah.
48:53I'll come as a chauffeur.
48:54I feel a bit stupid now.
48:59Now you come to mention it, you do stand out a bit.
49:04I'm going to cheer up the widow.
49:06Leave him to you.
49:09I don't think you and Del would have won first prize.
49:12No?
49:13No.
49:14You're all right.
49:15But Del don't know nothing like Tonto.
49:17No.
49:17Here we are, here they are, look.
49:26Aerodynamically designed cycle helmets
49:28as worn by Chris Boardman and his cousin Stan.
49:31Hey?
49:32Look at that.
49:33Beautiful.
49:34No, right, okay, then.
49:35What else have we got here?
49:36I'll tell you what we've got.
49:37Look at this.
49:38Baseball caps straight from L.A.
49:40as worn by M.C. Hammer.
49:42Oh, yes.
49:44These here, madam, buy one for your kid for Christmas.
49:46Yeah, they'll look lovely in his stocking,
49:48I'll tell you that.
49:49No.
49:49Right.
49:50What else have we got?
49:51Ah, yes, what we've got here.
49:53Look at this.
49:54We've got the unisex baseball caps.
49:56Look at that.
49:58There, I'll buy one for your son.
49:59Buy one for your daughter.
50:01Well done.
50:02It's fine.
50:05Del?
50:05Yeah?
50:10Hey!
50:10Get out of the bag!
50:12Hey, where's your game?
50:15You want to get after him, go on.
50:16Hey, are you all right?
50:22You all right, darling?
50:24Hey?
50:24Little puggers, lick me handbag, son.
50:27Oh, me bloody arse is hurting as well.
50:30It's all right.
50:31You just take it easy, will you?
50:32Just take it easy.
50:33Hey, look, someone call an ambulance for her, will you?
50:36Also call the police.
50:38Hey, you!
50:39Oi!
50:39Hey!
50:39It's all right.
50:40It's all right.
54:10Oh, no, they offered me one, but I said I wanted to remind you none of this.
54:15Oh.
54:15Mr. Trotter.
54:23Excuse me.
54:24Councillor Murray, we met the night you were dressed as Batman.
54:32I've never been so frightened in my life.
54:34It was only a costume.
54:35No, I mean terrified of that awful gang of muggers.
54:40Oh, I see, yes.
54:41Still, they're behind bars now, thanks to you.
54:43Oh, don't mention it.
54:44If ever there's anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to call me.
54:48Well, thank you very much indeed.
54:50Councillor Murray.
54:52Hey, um, as a matter of fact, there is a little something that you might be able to help me out with.
55:00Do you think we could have a little chat?
55:03Of course.
55:03Come this way.
55:05Hmm.
55:06Of course, dear.
55:09Well, we're going to have to cut this one out for the old family album.
55:13Trotter's never won a medal before.
55:15Well, Albert's won three or four dozen.
55:17Why'd they use the word man?
55:21Could have mentioned Rodney.
55:23I mean, why didn't they say men?
55:26Yeah, Rodney was there as well.
55:28They do mention him, you know.
55:30Mr Trotter was aided in the capture of the muggers by his younger brother, Rooney.
55:38They say he's bloody running.
55:42Come on then, ladies and gentlemen.
55:43Come on, charge your glasses.
55:45It is because I have got something to say on this auspicious occasion.
55:52And that is, not only am I the only trotter to win a medal without getting wet,
55:59but this is a double celebration.
56:02You told them.
56:03Oh, never, I swear.
56:05How do you not find out?
56:06Find out what?
56:07You mean you don't know?
56:09No.
56:10Oh.
56:11Well, in that case, let me just say that if, in the near future,
56:14anybody wants to buy Cassandra and I some mother care vouchers,
56:20they will come in bloody handy.
56:21Oh, yes, my son, we have scored!
56:26No, it was a beauty!
56:29It's coming on!
56:31It's coming on!
56:33It's coming!
56:34But, no, we're not fighting!
56:36We're going to come out and stop to keep you!
56:38Well done like that!
56:40Oh, I'm pleased for you, son.
56:42I know you've been thrilled to get there, son.
56:44How about that, then, eh?
56:49Her little cousin for Damien to play with.
56:52Hey!
56:53Yeah!
56:54Wait a minute.
56:55You said this was a double celebration before you found out about Cassandra being pregnant.
57:00So what else are we celebrating?
57:01Oh, that's right.
57:03Then it's a triple celebration.
57:05Well, because you know that I was turned down for my home improvement grant by the council.
57:09Oh, well, they have changed their minds and sent me a cheque for £5,000.
57:14They've sent you £5,000?
57:16Yes.
57:17What can't speak can't lie.
57:19Signed by Councillor Murray.
57:23It's not a bad old world, is it, bruv?
57:27It's getting better all the time, though.
57:29Lovely jubbly.
57:30LAUGHTER
57:31MUSIC
57:35MUSIC
57:36MUSIC
57:37We've got some half-price crack ties, some miles and miles of carpet tiles,
57:41TVs, deep freeze, and David Bowie OPs,
57:44pool games, gold chains, wuss names, and header push,
57:47some Trevor Francis track suits from a mush,
57:49and Shepard's bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush.
57:52No income tax, no VAT,
57:55no money back, no guarantee.
57:58Black or white, rich or broke,
58:02a wealth cut, prices, and a straw.
58:07God bless Hookie Street,
58:10Viva Hookie Street,
58:13Long live Hookie Street,
58:16Saint-Magnifique Hookie Street,
58:19Magnifique Hookie Street.
58:22Hookie Street.
58:26Hookie Street.
58:29Hookie Street.
58:31Hookie Street.
Be the first to comment