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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S09E03 2003 - Sleepless In Peckham.
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00:00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:00:10Cause if you are the best ones
00:00:13But you don't ask questions
00:00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:00:18Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:00:24And the tides of the sea
00:00:26But is the one that's driving me berserk
00:00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:00:33La la la la la la la la la la la la la
00:00:38La la la la la la la la la la la la
00:00:42La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
00:00:46You better get ready for school, Damien.
00:00:56I am ready.
00:00:58Alright.
00:00:59Alright, Dad.
00:01:00Alright.
00:01:01Oh.
00:01:02Is that contraction?
00:01:04No.
00:01:05Indigestion.
00:01:06Is that bacon burger I have for breakfast?
00:01:09You never used to eat bacon.
00:01:11What burgers?
00:01:12I'm craving bacon now.
00:01:14Bacon and Rolos.
00:01:15Together.
00:01:17When I was having Damien, I had a terrible craving for tuna.
00:01:21I used to have tuna for breakfast, lunch and dinner, didn't I?
00:01:23Yeah.
00:01:24Oh, it was horrible.
00:01:25Saying goodnight to her, it's like kissing Japan.
00:01:28Shut up.
00:01:30If I'm like this with indigestion, how am I going to be when I go into labour?
00:01:34It affects women differently.
00:01:35Some just sail through.
00:01:36Yeah, that's right.
00:01:37Well, I remember when Mum was giving birth to Rodney.
00:01:40She said it was the worst experience of her life.
00:01:44Just because you're Mum at a bad time doesn't mean Cassandra will.
00:01:48Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:01:50See what you mean?
00:01:50No.
00:01:51No, I mean, really, Cassandra, you should have a nice, you know, easy birth, shouldn't you?
00:01:55Why?
00:01:56Well, look at you.
00:01:57You and Rodney, you're both very skinny, skinny, slim, slim, aren't you?
00:02:01So the chances of you having a very skinny, skinny, slim, slim, slim, baby, you're not very high.
00:02:07You know, you won't have to push too hard, will you?
00:02:09Because your little sprog will come shooting out like that.
00:02:12Like that.
00:02:13Del, please.
00:02:15Sometimes you really overstep the mark.
00:02:17No, no, no.
00:02:18All I'm saying is that, you see, Cassandra won't need a midwife in the delivery room.
00:02:22What she will need is a goalkeeper.
00:02:24Oh, here it comes.
00:02:28Come on, you.
00:02:29You'll be late.
00:02:29Oh, there he is.
00:02:30All ready for school, son.
00:02:32Yeah, got your sunglasses, your walkman, your mobile phone.
00:02:35Yeah, yeah, don't bother me, man.
00:02:37Go on, off you go.
00:02:37Yeah.
00:02:39I think I'll have a lie down.
00:02:40Oh, all right.
00:02:41Come on in.
00:02:42Oh, we get that.
00:02:43Whoa.
00:02:44Come on now.
00:02:45Oh.
00:02:47What?
00:02:49I don't know if Cassandra will still feel up to it, but she was planning to spend the day at her parents' house.
00:02:54She hadn't seen her mum for a while.
00:02:55I thought I might go with her.
00:02:56Yeah, that's all right, darling.
00:02:57You go off and enjoy yourself.
00:02:59We'll meet you down the pub later.
00:03:00I'll have a bacon sandwich and a packet of Werther's Original on the side for Cassandra.
00:03:04Do you think she's all right?
00:03:07Yeah, she's fine.
00:03:08Yeah, of course she'd be all right.
00:03:09Well, I mean, she's had buckets of pork and toffee.
00:03:12She's bound to be a bit jippy, ain't she, eh?
00:03:14Yeah.
00:03:14Yeah, I suppose you're right.
00:03:15Yeah.
00:03:16Well, we'd better think about doing something, haven't we?
00:03:18I thought we could go down Rodney Nelson's warehouse and see...
00:03:20No, no, no.
00:03:21Not today, Rodney, no.
00:03:23All right?
00:03:23Del?
00:03:24Hmm?
00:03:24Rodney is the managing director now.
00:03:26Yes, I'm in charge.
00:03:27Yes, I know, but today I'm going down the cemetery to put some flowers on Mum's grave.
00:03:31Oh, I'll come with you.
00:03:33No.
00:03:34Look, I want you to stay here and look after Cassandra.
00:03:37Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
00:03:38But if she feels better a bit later on, I'll go down Rodney's place on me own.
00:03:41Oh, no.
00:03:43Look, if she bucks up, I want you to take her and Raquel over to her Mum's,
00:03:47and I want you to stay with them in case they're carjacking.
00:03:50Put on your Capri gear?
00:03:53You're all right.
00:03:54Oi.
00:03:55What?
00:03:56Oh, dear, what's the matter with him?
00:03:59Why would you never let him do things on his own?
00:04:01I can't let Rodney go out with the business in his hands, can I?
00:04:05He'd come back with a bag of magic beans.
00:04:08Oh, yeah, and you're so successful, aren't you?
00:04:10Oh, come on, don't start.
00:04:12This situation.
00:04:13What situation?
00:04:14You being made bankrupt.
00:04:15Oh, in the inland revenue, £53,000,
00:04:18and the official receiver threatening to evict us and put the flat up for auction.
00:04:21Oh, that.
00:04:22Yes, that.
00:04:23And what about all those letters from that firm of solicitors?
00:04:25Have you phoned them to find out what it's about?
00:04:27No, I haven't.
00:04:28I've been rather busy.
00:04:29Have you told Rodney about it?
00:04:30No, he's got enough to worry about.
00:04:33I'll tell him when the moment's right, OK?
00:04:35Can I borrow these?
00:04:42Have you told Raquel yet?
00:04:44I told her what?
00:04:45That the official receiver is auctioning this flat in a month's time.
00:04:48No, look, she's got enough to worry about.
00:04:51I'll tell her when the moment's right.
00:04:53Tell?
00:04:54No, see you, Rodney.
00:05:03Are you all right, Mum?
00:05:06I'll come to give you a bit of a scrub up.
00:05:08How do you like your new obelisk?
00:05:19The other one, you know, your old one was OK, but, you know, wasn't quite you.
00:05:26So when me and Rudders became millionaires, we'd like you this new one.
00:05:30Best one in the yard, this.
00:05:31This is the Ferrari of shrines.
00:05:37Anyway.
00:05:39Cassandra.
00:05:41She'll be giving birth to.
00:05:44Another grandchild in the family, eh?
00:05:47I said to him, I said,
00:05:49If it's a girl, would they name her after you?
00:05:52Joan.
00:05:55Anyway, I'm sorry, Mum.
00:05:57I haven't been down for a long time,
00:06:00but I've had one or two problems to sort out.
00:06:03What with the bankruptcy and all of that.
00:06:08Then I received this letter from the official receiver.
00:06:12It says they want to auction the old flat.
00:06:15The lads have been good.
00:06:18They've all been trying to think of ways for me to make money.
00:06:23You've got to invent something.
00:06:25Invent something?
00:06:26All inventors are rich.
00:06:28Rich, what's the name of that bloke who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner?
00:06:36Dyson.
00:06:39Millionaire.
00:06:40What about that bloke who invented the biro?
00:06:43Bick.
00:06:45Millionaire.
00:06:46I know, Trig, I thought about that,
00:06:48but everything's already been invented, hasn't it?
00:06:51Not everything.
00:06:52Picture this.
00:06:55You're on a crowded bus,
00:06:57and you get an itch in your back,
00:06:58and no matter how hard you try,
00:07:00you just can't reach it.
00:07:02So, what do you do?
00:07:03Ask one of the other passengers to scratch it for you.
00:07:07No, you can't.
00:07:08No, you can't do that, Dave.
00:07:10No, Trig, I was just...
00:07:11I tried that once, and it caused nothing but trouble.
00:07:19Now, what's this?
00:07:24Chopstick?
00:07:25Correct.
00:07:26With this, you can reach down and hit the spot.
00:07:30It's very good, Trig.
00:07:34It's good.
00:07:34Not quite up to Bill Gates standard,
00:07:37but it is brilliant.
00:07:39I don't want to disappoint you, Trig,
00:07:41and I know the Chinese have always been a very inventive race,
00:07:44but we created something years ago
00:07:46that rather beat them to the punch.
00:07:48We called it the backscratcher.
00:07:50Yeah, but they're big, long things, Dave.
00:07:52You can't carry one of them in your inside pocket.
00:07:54It will stick out.
00:07:56People will look.
00:07:57It's a no, Trig, but what you've got to do,
00:07:59you've got to have something long, haven't you,
00:08:00to get it right down there where the itch is, isn't it?
00:08:03That thing's too short.
00:08:05So, what's the answer?
00:08:08Another drink?
00:08:11No.
00:08:16Two chopsticks.
00:08:18I'm going to fit a little hinge on the end
00:08:22so you can open it out,
00:08:26scratch away,
00:08:27fold it down again
00:08:29and put it back in your pocket.
00:08:34And
00:08:34you can use it for pointing at things.
00:08:40Well, it's brilliant, isn't it?
00:08:42No more fingers.
00:08:44This is just a specimen.
00:08:46I'm going back to my flat now to work on it.
00:08:49When I take the patent out, Jill,
00:08:51I'm going to put it in your name.
00:08:52Thanks, Trig.
00:08:53See you on tomorrow's world.
00:09:00Well, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
00:09:04Seems like nothing's going to change my bad luck.
00:09:08Raquel says that we ought to try a feng shui.
00:09:11And I said to her, I said,
00:09:12what good is eating raw fish going to do, Mum?
00:09:17And if all that weren't bad enough,
00:09:19I'm getting all these letters from the solicitor
00:09:21demanding a meeting.
00:09:22All I know is if I don't get over 50 grand
00:09:27in four weeks' time,
00:09:29I'll be kipping on that bench over there.
00:09:33At least I'd be keeping you company,
00:09:34wouldn't I, Mum?
00:09:36If there's anything that you can do,
00:09:39you know, while you're up there,
00:09:41like a word in the right ear,
00:09:45I'd be so grateful.
00:09:46Anyway, I'd better buzz off.
00:09:53See you soon, Mum.
00:09:57Bonjour.
00:10:10What are you doing?
00:10:11Actually, I'm writing a screenplay for a movie.
00:10:16Oh.
00:10:17Where is everyone?
00:10:18Dad's down the cemetery
00:10:20and Cassandra's gone round to her parents' place
00:10:22for the afternoon with your mum.
00:10:26Is it a silent film?
00:10:28No, it is not a silent film.
00:10:31Actually, you might be able to help me with this.
00:10:33Oh, yeah, what do you want me to do?
00:10:34Bugger off and leave me alone.
00:10:36All right, Dad?
00:10:43Yeah, all right.
00:10:46Postman's given me another letter
00:10:47from the official receiver, look.
00:10:49I suppose it's about this flat.
00:10:51It certainly ain't a Christmas card, is it?
00:10:53Been busy, have you?
00:10:55Yes.
00:10:58What's wrong, Dad?
00:10:59You look a bit worried.
00:11:01That's probably because I am worried, son.
00:11:04God, dear, I don't know.
00:11:06I haven't slept for ages.
00:11:09I feel so stressed out
00:11:10that you do the menu in
00:11:11could play a symphony on me.
00:11:15I'm going to go play football.
00:11:17Yeah, right.
00:11:19Here, don't forget what I told you
00:11:20about dirty tackling.
00:11:22Yeah, be first.
00:11:23Good boy.
00:11:23Good boy.
00:11:23How's that creative writing course of yours?
00:11:53Coming along, Rodney?
00:11:55Yeah, fine.
00:11:56Good.
00:11:57Because I get worried about you, you know.
00:11:59Even though I've got this bankruptcy looming over me
00:12:02and my eminent eviction, of course.
00:12:05But I lie awake at night, you know, worrying.
00:12:08I keep on thinking.
00:12:09I say to myself,
00:12:11is Rodney getting his commas in the right place?
00:12:16All right, what's up with you?
00:12:17What do you mean, what's up with me?
00:12:18I tell you what's up with me.
00:12:19Here I am, halfway down the gurgler,
00:12:21with only me head above the waterline,
00:12:23and there's you poncing around on your wife's laptop,
00:12:26wasting money on some mail-order course.
00:12:29I'm not poncing around,
00:12:30and I'm not wasting money.
00:12:31I'm investing in our future.
00:12:33Huh, what future?
00:12:35We've got all the prospects of a toilet duck.
00:12:38And I'm trying to get us out of this situation
00:12:41by earning us some serious money.
00:12:43Have you got any idea how much money there is to be earned
00:12:46out of writing a book or a film?
00:12:47I don't suppose you've ever heard of the writer,
00:12:49J.K. Rowling?
00:12:51As a matter of fact, yes, I have.
00:12:54He happens to be one of my most favourites.
00:12:59Yeah, right.
00:13:00J.K. Rowling's wrote all the Harry Potter books, right?
00:13:03And has earned over £70 million.
00:13:07£70 million?
00:13:09Oh, blimey, that would do us then, wouldn't it?
00:13:10It could get us over the worst.
00:13:12Yeah, right. Go on, then.
00:13:14What?
00:13:15Write one.
00:13:17I can't write a Harry Potter book.
00:13:19It's copyrighted.
00:13:20Oh, no, don't worry about that.
00:13:22Just change a bit.
00:13:23No-one will notice.
00:13:24Call it Harry Trotter.
00:13:28No!
00:13:29Look, you shut up, you tart.
00:13:32All you've got to do is just have a couple of wizards
00:13:35and some little git with John Lennon glasses, right?
00:13:39And then we're off.
00:13:40We're at the races.
00:13:41No, I can't write all that magic stuff.
00:13:44I'm more drawn to the stars of Michael Crichton
00:13:46and Thomas Harris.
00:13:47He wrote Silence of the Lambs.
00:13:48Oh, yeah.
00:13:50Hannibal the Cannonball.
00:13:53No, it's Cat...
00:13:54Hmm?
00:13:54Yeah.
00:13:55Right.
00:13:56Well, he's earned over $100 million.
00:13:58$100 million?
00:14:01Oh, no, it's all big talk.
00:14:02You know, 70 million here, 100 million there.
00:14:05No, no, Ruddy.
00:14:06No, you're entitled to talk big, you know,
00:14:08once you've been a millionaire like what we have.
00:14:10You know what this is, don't you, Ruddy?
00:14:16You see, every time we get into trouble
00:14:18and I go down and have a little talk to Mum,
00:14:21something turns up to save us.
00:14:25And this is it.
00:14:26This is a sign.
00:14:29This is Mum's doing.
00:14:30Come on, Rodney.
00:14:33We're going to come up with a film idea.
00:14:36Yeah.
00:14:41So, I rang Mike in prison
00:14:44and we've decided to turn this into a theme pub.
00:14:47Good.
00:14:48We decided on a 1930s pre-war London theme.
00:14:52Well, it's turned out well, hasn't it?
00:14:55It ain't started yet.
00:14:57It's still at the consultation stage.
00:14:59Well, let us know when it's finished.
00:15:02Raquel, Cassandra, what are you drinking?
00:15:05Oh, vodka and tonic, please, Trigg.
00:15:07Just an orange juice for me, please.
00:15:09Del and Rodney not here.
00:15:10Ain't seen them all day, love.
00:15:12Tell Del the prototype has hit a snag.
00:15:16Right.
00:15:17Me paraffin heater melted the chopsticks.
00:15:20OK.
00:15:21I might have to go to a Chinese shop.
00:15:24He'll understand.
00:15:28So, right, what are they doing?
00:15:30Who?
00:15:31Well, these people that you said
00:15:33that landed on an uninhabited desert island
00:15:36in the middle of the Pacific.
00:15:38Right.
00:15:39They're scientists, right?
00:15:41Right.
00:15:41They've been sent there
00:15:42because there's been strange goings-on.
00:15:45Like people getting killed?
00:15:46Yeah.
00:15:47Yeah.
00:15:47Disappearing, strangely.
00:15:49Right.
00:15:49Hey, this idea's getting better and better, Rodney.
00:15:53Right, so they land in a jumbo jet, right,
00:15:55which is being flown by,
00:15:57well, I'm thinking Mel Gibson.
00:15:59Mel Gibson?
00:16:00Yeah.
00:16:01Yeah.
00:16:01Yeah, he ain't got all that soppy paint
00:16:04over his face, though, has he?
00:16:05No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:16:07He's the leading scientist.
00:16:09Right, OK.
00:16:11What's he doing flying the plane, then?
00:16:14I don't know.
00:16:15Well, we could say that in the past, right,
00:16:18he was a pilot for, um...
00:16:21Monarch.
00:16:24No.
00:16:25Something exciting.
00:16:28NASA.
00:16:28NASA.
00:16:29Yes, sir.
00:16:29NASA.
00:16:30Yeah.
00:16:31So, right, Mel and his assistant, right,
00:16:33cos I was thinking, um...
00:16:35Julia Roberts.
00:16:36Julia Roberts.
00:16:38Yeah.
00:16:39Now you're talking like a mogul.
00:16:41Yeah.
00:16:41Yeah.
00:16:41So whilst they're out there doing all their,
00:16:43you know, scientific research and all that stuff,
00:16:47something in the jungle is watching them.
00:16:51The monster.
00:16:52Except it's not really a monster.
00:16:53No?
00:16:54No.
00:16:54Cos what they don't know is, right,
00:16:56on this island are a forgotten tribe of Neanderthals.
00:17:01Oh, col, blimey.
00:17:02Well, you need that, don't you?
00:17:05What old Mel there?
00:17:07He's got his work cut out, eh?
00:17:08You know, doing all his research
00:17:10and trying to sort Julia out.
00:17:13So in the jungle, right,
00:17:14there's all these cavemen.
00:17:16Cavemen, yeah.
00:17:17And women.
00:17:18And, you know, the women, right?
00:17:20You know what I mean?
00:17:21Cos serious filmgoers,
00:17:23they like, you know, a bit of that.
00:17:24Oh, yeah, I was thinking about
00:17:26Liz Hurley and, uh, Jordan.
00:17:31We'll talk about it.
00:17:32And I bet these cavemen,
00:17:34they're killer cavemen, aren't they?
00:17:35Yes.
00:17:35Yes, yes.
00:17:37I can see this.
00:17:37This is going to be a blockbuster.
00:17:39It's called, um,
00:17:40The Island of Death.
00:17:43We'll talk about that as well.
00:17:45Yeah.
00:17:46Did you get the baby blues
00:17:48after Damien was born?
00:17:50Well, I had my moments,
00:17:51but not too bad.
00:17:52I didn't get at all depressed
00:17:54after I had Tyler.
00:17:55Then again, I was private.
00:17:57The doctors and the drugs
00:17:58are much better
00:17:58than you get on the NHS.
00:18:00I didn't get postnatal depression
00:18:02at all, did I?
00:18:03How would I know?
00:18:04You've been screaming and crying
00:18:05all your life.
00:18:08Correction.
00:18:09Only since I married you.
00:18:12It's our anniversary soon.
00:18:1434 years.
00:18:16God, they dig up fossils
00:18:18younger than that.
00:18:18Yeah, put a bit of make-up on them
00:18:22and I might fancy them
00:18:23more on you.
00:18:26Mind you,
00:18:28she has her uses.
00:18:29If ever I have to draw a straight line,
00:18:31I can't find a ruler.
00:18:32I'll just use her chest.
00:18:34LAUGHTER
00:18:35That is one horrible git.
00:18:41But he has got his nice sight.
00:18:44Last month,
00:18:45he took out
00:18:45a massive life insurance on me.
00:18:48Ooh.
00:18:49Shows he cares.
00:18:50Hello, Marlene.
00:18:52Let's go home
00:18:53and ignore each other
00:18:54for the evening.
00:18:55LAUGHTER
00:18:56Right, OK, then.
00:19:00Where are they now, then?
00:19:01At the end of the runway.
00:19:03Yeah.
00:19:03Right, and they're just
00:19:05getting ready to take off.
00:19:07When suddenly,
00:19:09a big bird
00:19:09gets sucked into
00:19:10one of the engines.
00:19:11Oh, yes.
00:19:13I can see that, Rodney.
00:19:14That is drama.
00:19:16Yeah.
00:19:16Oh, I feel an Oscar
00:19:18coming on here.
00:19:19LAUGHTER
00:19:19Who do you see
00:19:21playing the big bird?
00:19:23LAUGHTER
00:19:24Roseanne Barr.
00:19:28She ain't small, is she?
00:19:31No, no.
00:19:32When I say big bird...
00:19:34I know, because, I mean,
00:19:35if you've got Roseanne Barr
00:19:36stuck in your engine,
00:19:37you'd know all about it.
00:19:39LAUGHTER
00:19:39No, no, no.
00:19:40I'm talking about an eagle.
00:19:42Hmm?
00:19:42Or a tournament.
00:19:44A tournament.
00:19:45LAUGHTER
00:19:46LAUGHTER
00:19:47An eagle.
00:19:49Ah.
00:19:49Right, I see.
00:19:51Ah!
00:19:52No, no.
00:19:53Oh, got it.
00:19:54Got it, Rodney.
00:19:55Listen, this is it.
00:19:56Listen to this.
00:19:57You see, now,
00:19:58Mel, right,
00:19:59his assistant
00:20:00is, in the beginning,
00:20:01played by Roseanne Barr.
00:20:03I don't want Roseanne Barr.
00:20:05No, listen to this.
00:20:06But when old Mel
00:20:06pulls her out of the engine,
00:20:08right,
00:20:09she's in a right mess,
00:20:10ain't she, eh?
00:20:10Yeah, oh, listen to me.
00:20:12So, this is...
00:20:13No, listen,
00:20:13this is when we find out
00:20:14that not only is Mel,
00:20:16right,
00:20:16a pilot and a, you know,
00:20:18a science researchist,
00:20:20but he's also
00:20:20a plastic surgeon.
00:20:22No!
00:20:22And in the back
00:20:24of his aeroplane,
00:20:25right, right,
00:20:25he's got some
00:20:26of his old
00:20:26plastic surgeon tools.
00:20:28So, he operates on her.
00:20:30I don't want him
00:20:31operating on her.
00:20:32Yeah, you see,
00:20:32and then he turns her
00:20:34into Julia Roberts.
00:20:35Right?
00:20:36And when she looks
00:20:37in the mirror
00:20:38and sees what he's done,
00:20:39she says,
00:20:40God bloody hell,
00:20:41Mel, help yourself.
00:20:43LAUGHTER
00:20:44And that is your romance.
00:20:46LAUGHTER
00:20:47I'm not having
00:20:50Roseanne Barr's leg
00:20:51sticking out
00:20:51at one end
00:20:52of a Jumbo Jet's engine
00:20:53and Julia Roberts' head
00:20:54sticking out
00:20:55the other end.
00:20:57LAUGHTER
00:20:57LAUGHTER
00:20:58And you certainly
00:21:03said they'd meet us.
00:21:04I'm positive.
00:21:04LAUGHTER
00:21:05Oh, my God.
00:21:09Oh, no.
00:21:11Why did they do
00:21:12things like this?
00:21:13As I've said to you before,
00:21:16women are from Venus,
00:21:18men are from Peckham.
00:21:20LAUGHTER
00:21:21I carried that coffee
00:21:28for you.
00:21:30Get off me, Rodney.
00:21:31I'm sorry.
00:21:32I know you're
00:21:32an attentive
00:21:33and committed man,
00:21:34but you're getting
00:21:35on my bloody nerves.
00:21:36LAUGHTER
00:21:36Hormones, eh?
00:21:39Yeah.
00:21:40I'm glad I ain't got none.
00:21:42LAUGHTER
00:21:43No, it's an answering machine.
00:21:45I hate them.
00:21:47Hello, Denzel,
00:21:48this is Del Boy.
00:21:50Listen, I haven't been
00:21:51able to get hold of you
00:21:52for the last couple of weeks,
00:21:54but I just wanted
00:21:55to let you know
00:21:56that I had a job for you
00:21:57worth 500 quid.
00:21:59Well, I've had to let it
00:22:01go to someone else now,
00:22:02so I just wanted
00:22:04to let you know
00:22:05what a half-head
00:22:06I think you really are.
00:22:08Bonjour!
00:22:08LAUGHTER
00:22:09You'll never guess.
00:22:12What?
00:22:13I've just been talking
00:22:14to that woman
00:22:15who cleans for Boyce
00:22:16and Marlene.
00:22:17She says she hasn't
00:22:18seen sight and a sound
00:22:19of Marlene
00:22:20for eight days now.
00:22:22No.
00:22:22What do you think's happened?
00:22:24I don't know.
00:22:25Strange, though.
00:22:26I can't imagine
00:22:27how Boyce and Marlene
00:22:28weren't divorced years ago.
00:22:30Oh, come on.
00:22:31Marlene will never
00:22:32divorce Boyce.
00:22:33She hates him too much.
00:22:34LAUGHTER
00:22:35You shouldn't laugh about it.
00:22:37Marital break-ups
00:22:39can be very damaging.
00:22:40Years ago,
00:22:41I did some work
00:22:42for the Samaritans.
00:22:43What?
00:22:44You were actually
00:22:44on the phones?
00:22:45Oh, yeah.
00:22:46Yes.
00:22:47Very successful he was, too.
00:22:49No-one ever phoned back.
00:22:50LAUGHTER
00:22:50Del, have you seen
00:22:58Marlene recently?
00:22:59No.
00:22:59I bumped into Boyce
00:23:00a couple of days ago.
00:23:01He just said she'd gone away.
00:23:03Maybe he's mad at her.
00:23:05Get your nose out of this.
00:23:07Do you think she's left him?
00:23:09Well, they were having
00:23:09quite a row in the park.
00:23:11It got very nasty.
00:23:12He accused her
00:23:13of being flat-chested.
00:23:15Oh, come on.
00:23:15They're always having rows.
00:23:17You ain't seen Denzel
00:23:19for a while either, have you?
00:23:21Maybe they've run off together.
00:23:24Oh, Kehinde.
00:23:26Well, Marlene
00:23:27has run off with Denzel.
00:23:29So.
00:23:34Jane,
00:23:35half a lager and del shusel.
00:23:38Poison in the dining room.
00:23:41Candlestick in the bedroom.
00:23:43What, are you playing Cluedo?
00:23:44No.
00:23:45It's called
00:23:46Whatever Happened to Marlene?
00:23:48It's been ten days now.
00:23:51I reckon she's either
00:23:51run off with another bloke
00:23:53or Boyce has killed her
00:23:54and buried her in the garden.
00:23:56Or she's spending
00:23:56the week at her sister's.
00:23:59Spending the week at her sister's.
00:24:00You and your imagination, Rodney.
00:24:02Do you remember
00:24:03the old Jolly Boys outings
00:24:06we used to go on?
00:24:07Oh, what?
00:24:07The Pinos to Margate?
00:24:09Yeah, they were great.
00:24:10Yeah, they've been one of them in years.
00:24:12No.
00:24:13Well, after the last one,
00:24:14the coach firms
00:24:15wouldn't do business with us.
00:24:17But the other night,
00:24:18I was going through
00:24:19a couple of old boxes
00:24:20and I found this.
00:24:24It's the first Jolly Boys outing.
00:24:26July 1960.
00:24:30There's Del, about 15.
00:24:32There's Trigger.
00:24:34Boycey, Denzel.
00:24:35What a bunch of mongs.
00:24:37Bloody hell.
00:24:38Don't they look stupid?
00:24:40That was the fashion.
00:24:42There's your dad, Reg.
00:24:44Oh, yeah.
00:24:45There's your grandfather.
00:24:47There's me.
00:24:49Blimey, Sid.
00:24:50You look like an old git
00:24:51even in them days.
00:24:54Yeah.
00:24:56I haven't really aged.
00:25:00See you later, Rodney.
00:25:01I've got to go
00:25:01and get something to eat.
00:25:03We do food here.
00:25:04Yeah, I know.
00:25:05I've tried it before.
00:25:07Fair enough.
00:25:08Sid, can I borrow this
00:25:09so I can get a copy made?
00:25:11I'm going to get it blown up
00:25:12and I'm going to embarrass
00:25:13Dill with it
00:25:13for the rest of his life.
00:25:15I want it back, though.
00:25:16Yeah, yeah, of course.
00:25:20There you go.
00:25:22Oh, wait, Tom.
00:25:25What are you smirking, eh?
00:25:26Nothing.
00:25:28You all right, Trig?
00:25:29Nothing to report.
00:25:31Waiting for the glue to dry.
00:25:34All right, Mum's the word, eh, Trig?
00:25:36I hope you're going to be around
00:25:37on Saturday night.
00:25:39It's a very special evening.
00:25:41What is that?
00:25:42The brewery giving us a new governor?
00:25:43No.
00:25:44Somebody's booked the pub for a do.
00:25:46And it's the first
00:25:48of my tribute nights.
00:25:50I've got a couple of young singers
00:25:52from Newcastle.
00:25:53They call themselves
00:25:54Lordy Geordie.
00:25:57They do a tribute
00:25:59to Robson and Jerome.
00:26:03Why?
00:26:07I didn't ask.
00:26:10The first act on
00:26:11is a David Bowie tribute.
00:26:13A carpenter
00:26:14calls himself
00:26:16Ziggy Sawdust.
00:26:17Make a note of that,
00:26:22will you, Rodney?
00:26:23I can't miss this.
00:26:25Yeah, it sounds good,
00:26:26doesn't it?
00:26:31I've been thinking
00:26:32you've got a good idea
00:26:33for one of our films here.
00:26:35What's that?
00:26:35Well,
00:26:37you know,
00:26:38Denzel and Marlene
00:26:39running off together.
00:26:40These two people
00:26:41who've known each other
00:26:42since their teens,
00:26:44you know,
00:26:44and hid their passion
00:26:46for each other
00:26:46and then
00:26:47when they reach middle age
00:26:49they can't contain it
00:26:50no longer
00:26:51so they
00:26:52rush into each other's arms.
00:26:54But this is Denzel and Marlene.
00:26:57Yeah, I know
00:26:57we'll get someone nice
00:26:58though, won't we?
00:27:00Yeah, I can't do
00:27:01all that romance stuff.
00:27:02I'm more into science fiction.
00:27:04Yeah, I like all that
00:27:05as well, Dave.
00:27:08I mean,
00:27:09you think about space.
00:27:11It's everywhere, isn't it?
00:27:12You're right,
00:27:16you can't move for it,
00:27:17can you?
00:27:18Well, I read something
00:27:19the other day
00:27:19that was very frightening.
00:27:21Scientists have just
00:27:22discovered this
00:27:22gigantic black hole
00:27:24right on the very
00:27:25edge of our galaxy
00:27:26and if our planet
00:27:27continues on its
00:27:28ever-widening orbit
00:27:30then eventually
00:27:31we'll be sucked
00:27:31into it and destroyed.
00:27:33Well, I'll make sure
00:27:34I'm out that day.
00:27:36So when's this
00:27:37going to happen?
00:27:40Well,
00:27:41they can't be
00:27:42too specific
00:27:43can they?
00:27:43They can't sort of say
00:27:44Saturday the 12th of March
00:27:46at half past three
00:27:46can they?
00:27:48No, well,
00:27:48you know,
00:27:49they can give us an idea
00:27:50you know,
00:27:51give or take a fortnight.
00:27:52Well, roughly
00:27:53within
00:27:55two to three
00:27:56hundred
00:27:58million years.
00:28:00Well, we've got time
00:28:01for a quick one then.
00:28:05So what are they
00:28:06going to do about it, Dave?
00:28:10Well, what are who
00:28:10going to do about it?
00:28:12Well, the government?
00:28:14Well, it's nothing.
00:28:16They're going to send
00:28:17my calpines up with a
00:28:18spaceship full of bricks?
00:28:20No, they need more
00:28:21than one.
00:28:25Del, I know you don't
00:28:27believe in all this UFO
00:28:28rubbish, but I've been
00:28:30sitting here looking out
00:28:31of that window at the sky
00:28:32and I suddenly noticed
00:28:35the star.
00:28:36Well, it's nitric.
00:28:37It happens.
00:28:38Yeah, but this star
00:28:39suddenly disappeared
00:28:40just for a split second
00:28:41and then it came back
00:28:43again.
00:28:43And then it disappeared.
00:28:45and then it came back
00:28:47again.
00:28:48And then it disappeared.
00:28:51And then it came back
00:28:52again.
00:28:55Do you think that's a close
00:28:56encounter?
00:28:57No, it's called
00:29:00blinking.
00:29:06It's done it again, look.
00:29:08No, missed it.
00:29:09There it goes.
00:29:22It's amazing, isn't it, eh?
00:29:25Dear God.
00:29:30Trotters, independent
00:29:31traders.
00:29:32Yeah?
00:29:36All right.
00:29:37We'll be right down there.
00:29:39It's the manager of the
00:29:40Sopranos pizza parlour.
00:29:42We've found Denzil.
00:29:52Hey, Denzil, me old mate.
00:29:56All right, Del.
00:29:57Hi, guys.
00:29:58Hi, fellas.
00:29:59How's it going?
00:30:00Yeah, it's fine.
00:30:01Just a wee world
00:30:03worried about you,
00:30:04me old mate.
00:30:04Oh, I don't worry about
00:30:05me.
00:30:05I was just off.
00:30:06No, no, no.
00:30:07You sit down.
00:30:08Sit down.
00:30:09Let's have a little
00:30:10chin-way.
00:30:11Eh?
00:30:13Yeah.
00:30:17Is there anything
00:30:18you'd like to tell us?
00:30:21We promise we won't
00:30:22be judgmental.
00:30:23These things happen.
00:30:25Who told you?
00:30:27Del worked it out.
00:30:29Yeah, well, once
00:30:30Marlene went missing
00:30:32and so did you.
00:30:33You didn't have to be
00:30:34Jeremy Paxton to work
00:30:36out that you'd run
00:30:37off the door.
00:30:39Run off with Marlene?
00:30:41Have you gone mad or
00:30:42what?
00:30:44What have you been in?
00:30:45Well, if you must know,
00:30:46I've been in hospital.
00:30:48Hospital?
00:30:49What, was there something
00:30:50wrong with you then?
00:30:51Well, yes, of course
00:30:52there was something
00:30:52wrong with me.
00:30:53Oh, what?
00:30:57Look, I don't want to
00:30:58talk about it, Del.
00:31:00It's been with me for
00:31:01quite a while.
00:31:02I didn't say anything to
00:31:04you or the others because,
00:31:06well, I just didn't want
00:31:07to admit it to myself.
00:31:10Finally, the doctor said,
00:31:12I've got to have the
00:31:12operation or...
00:31:14Oh, what?
00:31:19Trigger, you don't need
00:31:21to ask that question.
00:31:23When a bloke says
00:31:24or, you know
00:31:25what he means.
00:31:27What?
00:31:30Look, I've had the
00:31:31operation and I'm
00:31:32feeling better now.
00:31:34It's just that the
00:31:35specialist said he could
00:31:36always return, you know.
00:31:38I've just got to
00:31:39live in hope.
00:31:40Look, let's get her
00:31:43drink.
00:31:44Four beers, please,
00:31:45over here.
00:31:48Hey, I didn't spot
00:31:49you not lurking over
00:31:50here.
00:31:50How's it all going
00:31:51there?
00:31:52Yeah, all right.
00:31:54You and me have got
00:31:55mutual friend.
00:31:56That young nurse that
00:31:57was looking after you,
00:31:58Jolene, I took her
00:31:59out for a couple of
00:32:00drinks.
00:32:00She told me all about
00:32:01your case.
00:32:03I don't believe this.
00:32:05It's supposed to be
00:32:05confidential, Mickey.
00:32:07Yeah, well, like I
00:32:07said, she'd had a
00:32:08couple of drinks.
00:32:09I don't envy you
00:32:10at all, Denzel.
00:32:12My old grandad
00:32:13suffered with piles.
00:32:18Piles?
00:32:20You've had piles?
00:32:22It was us, worried
00:32:23sick about you, and
00:32:25all you'd got was a
00:32:26touch of the farmer
00:32:27Giles.
00:32:29Not piles, Derek.
00:32:30Super piles.
00:32:32All this fuss over a
00:32:33few hemorrhoids.
00:32:35Hemorrhoids?
00:32:36They were more like
00:32:37asteroids.
00:32:39Serger said it was
00:32:40keyhole surgery.
00:32:42Forgot to say it was
00:32:43the keyhole to the
00:32:43tower of sodden
00:32:44London.
00:32:46You want to see what
00:32:47he's done to me?
00:32:48No, thank you very much,
00:32:50Denzel.
00:32:50I'll just take your word
00:32:51for it.
00:32:53So what's all this about
00:32:54Marlene, then?
00:32:55She's gone missing.
00:32:57Nobody's seen her for
00:32:57about a week.
00:32:58And we thought she was
00:32:59having an affair.
00:33:01It's funny you should
00:33:02say that, you know,
00:33:02because I was in town
00:33:03two weeks ago and I
00:33:04saw Marlene talking to
00:33:06this fella.
00:33:07All dressed up.
00:33:08Low-cut blouse,
00:33:10high heels,
00:33:11full make-up,
00:33:11the lot.
00:33:13What's she seeing
00:33:14in a bloke like that?
00:33:14No, not the...
00:33:20He's talking about
00:33:21Marlene.
00:33:23You are talking about
00:33:24her, aren't you?
00:33:25Yeah.
00:33:26So maybe Boycey found
00:33:27out Marlene was
00:33:28having an affair.
00:33:30And then he took out
00:33:32a very large life
00:33:33insurance policy on her.
00:33:35Oh, Boycey,
00:33:42we could just pass
00:33:42and thought we'd pop in.
00:33:44Oh.
00:33:48Well, you must appreciate
00:33:49I'm a very busy man.
00:33:52So, er,
00:33:53what can I do for you?
00:33:54Well, a cup of tea
00:33:55wouldn't go amiss.
00:33:57Oh.
00:33:57So, how's Marlene
00:33:59these days?
00:34:00She's fine.
00:34:01Oh, it's just
00:34:02we haven't seen her
00:34:03around lately,
00:34:04huh?
00:34:05No.
00:34:06And that's because
00:34:06she's, er,
00:34:07been away.
00:34:11I'll put the kettle on.
00:34:15Hey, I see
00:34:16she's done her in.
00:34:16Look, you don't know that.
00:34:18What other explanation
00:34:19is there?
00:34:20Well, maybe she's
00:34:21staying with friends.
00:34:22Oh, don't be stupid.
00:34:23She's been missing
00:34:24for over a week.
00:34:25Who the hell's gonna have
00:34:26Marlene in their house
00:34:27for a week?
00:34:29You be observant.
00:34:31This could make
00:34:31a nice little film.
00:34:33Look, we've got to be
00:34:34very careful about
00:34:35what we say.
00:34:36We could be making
00:34:36a terrible mistake
00:34:37and one wrong word
00:34:38could cause a lot
00:34:39of pain and distress.
00:34:41Yes, you're right.
00:34:42Subtlety is the
00:34:43order of the day.
00:34:45Absolutely.
00:34:51Well?
00:34:52Right, well,
00:34:53Boycey,
00:34:53I hope you won't take
00:34:56offence by what I'm
00:34:57about to say,
00:34:58but me and Rodney
00:35:00think you've murdered
00:35:01Marlene and buried her
00:35:02in the garden.
00:35:08Beautiful, though.
00:35:10How dare you?
00:35:12Murdered my wife
00:35:13and buried her
00:35:14in the garden?
00:35:15I have never been
00:35:15so insulted
00:35:16in all my life.
00:35:18You know how much
00:35:19I've spent on that garden.
00:35:20You think I'm going
00:35:20to dig a little
00:35:20in it?
00:35:23Oh, yeah.
00:35:24Never thought of that.
00:35:26So, what have you
00:35:27done with her, then?
00:35:28I have done
00:35:28nothing with her.
00:35:30She's upstairs.
00:35:32What?
00:35:32There you are,
00:35:33see?
00:35:33She's upstairs.
00:35:34What else
00:35:34is there to say?
00:35:35Well, dead
00:35:36or alive
00:35:37might help.
00:35:40Marlene and I
00:35:41will be down
00:35:42the pub tonight.
00:35:43Then you will have
00:35:43all the proof
00:35:44you need,
00:35:45inspector.
00:35:47Now, if you'll
00:35:48excuse me,
00:35:49I have business
00:35:50to attend to.
00:36:00See you later,
00:36:01Marlene.
00:36:04Well, she's
00:36:05probably asleep.
00:36:07Oh, yeah.
00:36:08Oh, yeah, right.
00:36:10See you later,
00:36:11Marlene!
00:36:12Marlene!
00:36:14Well, she's
00:36:16a deep sleeper.
00:36:19Yeah.
00:36:20She's dead
00:36:21to the world.
00:36:24See you
00:36:25tonight,
00:36:25Boisey.
00:36:28Bonjour.
00:36:28Sure.
00:36:39This year's
00:36:41broken
00:36:42It's a
00:36:43major
00:36:43Tom
00:36:44You've
00:36:45written
00:36:46by
00:36:46the
00:36:47guy
00:36:48And the
00:36:50pilot
00:36:50has
00:36:50gone
00:36:51to
00:36:51I
00:36:52wouldn't
00:36:52show you
00:36:53ahead
00:36:53What's all this, Sid?
00:37:16I got the idea from that little Spanish place in Fulham.
00:37:19That's tapas! This is a... It's not good, is it?
00:37:23This is English tapas.
00:37:26Does Mike know you're doing this? I mean, I know he's still inside, but it's still his pub.
00:37:30Michael said, treat the pub as if it were your own.
00:37:34That's just a figure of speech. You straight at someone's house, they say, treat it as your own.
00:37:39Yeah, doesn't mean to say you take a sledgehammer to build a true lounge.
00:37:42Look, there it is. Take it or leave it.
00:37:45Oh, thank God, we got a choice.
00:37:49Do you think Boyce will turn up?
00:37:52No, I shouldn't think he's halfway across Europe by now.
00:37:55Yeah, grab the insurance money and run.
00:37:58Good evening.
00:37:59I know what you have been saying about me.
00:38:02So I am here to prove you wrong.
00:38:03Would you please all greet me?
00:38:04I know what you have been saying about me, so I am here to prove you wrong.
00:38:17Would you please all greet my wife, Marlene?
00:38:18Good evening, everyone.
00:38:19Sorry about your hair, Marlene.
00:38:20Good evening, everyone.
00:38:21Sorry about your hair, Marlene.
00:38:22You must cost me a bloody fortune up west.
00:38:23You look like Brian May.
00:38:24I know what you have been saying about me, so I am here to prove you wrong.
00:38:29Would you please all greet my wife, Marlene?
00:38:30Good evening, everyone.
00:38:31Sorry about your hair, Marlene.
00:38:32You must cost me a bloody fortune up west.
00:38:34You look like Brian May in a spin dryer.
00:38:35Tell him!
00:38:39Ignore him.
00:38:40If I may, my dear.
00:38:42Good evening, everyone.
00:38:46Sorry about your hair, Marlene.
00:38:48This cost me a bloody fortune up west.
00:38:51You look like Brian May in a spin dryer.
00:38:56Tell him.
00:38:57Ignore him.
00:38:59If I may, my dear.
00:39:01I don't know.
00:39:10I'm Tom Cordial.
00:39:14I've got a feeling this is going to cause trouble.
00:39:18It's going to have someone's eye out.
00:39:24I've known you're going to burn yourself.
00:39:29Oh, that's where she's been for the last week or so.
00:39:35Uptown, getting a boob job.
00:39:37She has not had a boob job.
00:39:40Leave it out, boy.
00:39:41See, you brought a Fermi.
00:39:43I have not brought a Fermi.
00:39:46I'm going to call up Twicken and see if they've got a couple of balls missing.
00:39:50She has not had a boob job.
00:39:52That is all natural.
00:39:54Really?
00:39:55Well, she never used to have boobs as big as that.
00:39:57How the bloody all do you know?
00:40:01You told me.
00:40:03Oh, yeah.
00:40:06So we've got a dress designer in who simply made the most of what was available.
00:40:10Oh, yeah.
00:40:10And who was that bloke that she was seen uptown with the other week?
00:40:14Oh, that bloke.
00:40:15Yeah, that bloke was, uh, well, that bloke was, uh, he was, uh, all right, that was a plastic surgeon.
00:40:23Ha, ha, that comes out, eh?
00:40:26Hmm, I just thought it might bring us closer together.
00:40:28And I thought it'll have the opposite effect.
00:40:30Well, I bloody well hope not.
00:40:33It was four grand a boob.
00:40:35Well, how much that costs you, then?
00:40:41About eight grand, Trig.
00:40:43Ninety.
00:40:43I feel sorry for her.
00:40:51It must be horrible going around with a couple of big boobies.
00:40:54Raquel and I are used to it.
00:40:59Are they laughing at me?
00:41:01No, they're just having a good time.
00:41:03We'll see about that.
00:41:05Raquel, I'm so glad you wore that dress again.
00:41:12It's always been one of my favourites.
00:41:15That reminds me, boys, we've got to collect the curtains from the cleaners.
00:41:19Oh, just listen.
00:41:21And her looking like one of those little women you put over toilet rolls.
00:41:25Did you know what she said?
00:41:27Yes.
00:41:29Right now, be fair, Raquel.
00:41:31Marley's made a big effort this evening.
00:41:32You can see a struggle's taking place.
00:41:35She's been in that bedroom for hours.
00:41:39Oh, shut up!
00:41:40No, no, no, no!
00:41:41I'm just trying to defend your honour.
00:41:44Even that boy, she's trying to defend Marlene's honour.
00:41:46What have you got in the garden shed?
00:41:48A time machine.
00:41:50Just jealous, aren't you?
00:41:52Just because I can afford a bit of surgery for my 40th birthday.
00:41:5640th?
00:41:57When I first met you, you were pushing 40.
00:41:59For the last few years, you've been towing it.
00:42:02Right, that's it.
00:42:04Raquel, get out of the pub, you're barred.
00:42:08What are you talking about, Sid?
00:42:11Eh?
00:42:12Um...
00:42:13No.
00:42:13Marlene, get out of the pub, you're barred.
00:42:16I beg your pardon?
00:42:17Get off home and take your foster tits with you.
00:42:22Did you hear what he just said?
00:42:23How dare you!
00:42:27Right, we'll finish our drinks and then we'll...
00:42:29You'll not finish them, you'll get out now.
00:42:31Right.
00:42:32Come along, Marlene.
00:42:33I've never been so insulted in my life.
00:42:39Sid, far be it from me to interfere,
00:42:41but I think you're taking this landlord-lark a bit too seriously.
00:42:44You're like Mussolini in a local harvester.
00:42:47I'm running this pub now.
00:42:50I don't think you should have banned Boise and Marlene.
00:42:53Oh, yes.
00:42:54And why is that?
00:42:55Because it's their anniversary due.
00:42:57Excuse me.
00:43:04I am paying for all this.
00:43:07Right.
00:43:08Drinks all round.
00:43:09Hey!
00:43:10Thank you!
00:43:10Thank you!
00:43:14Come on!
00:43:18Come on!
00:43:19Come on!
00:43:27All right, Raquel, where are you?
00:43:36You rotten, lying, devious, cheating man!
00:43:40Have I upset you, sweetheart?
00:43:42I found that letter from the official receiver.
00:43:44Ah, right, yeah.
00:43:46I've come back home to talk to you about that.
00:43:48You lied to me!
00:43:49And you've lied to Rodney about those letters!
00:43:52What letters?
00:43:53Hmm?
00:43:54All right, all right.
00:43:59These letters.
00:44:02Cartwright, Cartwright and Cartwright's solicitous of law.
00:44:05Dale, there must be ten letters here.
00:44:07I know.
00:44:08It looks worse than it is.
00:44:09Yes, because half of them are Rodneys.
00:44:11You've been hiding my personal correspondence.
00:44:15I just wanted to take the pressure off you.
00:44:17That was all, because you got Cassandra and the baby.
00:44:20And you didn't tell me that this flat is being auctioned in ten days' time.
00:44:24No, well, you had all that ironing.
00:44:29It's just been one bit of bad news after the other.
00:44:32I was just trying to protect you all.
00:44:34That was all.
00:44:35You're just a control freak, Derek.
00:44:37To you, other people don't matter, do they?
00:44:39That is not true, sweetheart.
00:44:40You just step over them like they don't exist.
00:44:42And what do they do in return?
00:44:44They love you so much, they all try to help you, and you just throw it back in their faces.
00:44:49Oh, they all try to help me, yeah.
00:44:51What was it that you wanted me to do?
00:44:52Ask Boise for a loan?
00:44:55That's about the same as joining the Moonies.
00:44:57Then I've got Rodney here trying to write Freddy Krueger and the Chocolate Factory,
00:45:01and Trigger back at his place, scratching his arse with a chopstick.
00:45:06All these people are supposed to help me.
00:45:09You ungrateful sod.
00:45:11Well, at least I didn't suggest forming a Hollywood film company.
00:45:18You're going to wish that you'd never said that, Rodney.
00:45:21Just bringing up a pertinent point.
00:45:23No, pal, that's more like bringing up a furball.
00:45:26You were going to form a Hollywood film company?
00:45:29You see, you see, you see.
00:45:30No, not me, him, Rodney, that's what.
00:45:33He wanted to make this film about an uninhabited desert island
00:45:36with a tribe of cavemen living on it.
00:45:39Well, how's it uninhabited, then?
00:45:40I don't know.
00:45:42And then this jumbo jet lands with a load of other people on board.
00:45:45A jumbo jet?
00:45:47And where's the runway come from?
00:45:49Well, I don't know.
00:45:51What's all this noise?
00:45:53Oh, Cassandra, you've got to hear the latest from these two morons.
00:45:56They're going to make their own Hollywood film.
00:45:59What was it, Del?
00:46:00They land on an uninhabited island in a jumbo jet?
00:46:03Who do?
00:46:04Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts.
00:46:06He's his idea.
00:46:07He wanted Julia Roberts.
00:46:07Oh, yeah, but he wanted Liz Hurley and Jordan.
00:46:10How can you land a jumbo jet on an uninhabited island?
00:46:14Where's the runway come from?
00:46:15Ha-ha!
00:46:16Yeah.
00:46:17Oh, I don't know.
00:46:18I'll ask him, here.
00:46:19Cecil be demented.
00:46:24I don't know.
00:46:27You see?
00:46:28Well, maybe Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble,
00:46:31they knocked it up, didn't they, one weekend, eh?
00:46:33And who was going to produce this masterpiece, as if I need ask?
00:46:37Oh, well, exactly, yeah.
00:46:39Alfred, stop cocky off.
00:46:42So while we're worrying ourselves sick,
00:46:44these two are getting drunk and dreaming of making a Hollywood film.
00:46:48Aren't you just glad you made sacrifices for them?
00:46:51Now, just listen to me, Raquel.
00:46:53No, you listen to me, Derek.
00:46:55You've got to make contact with reality, Del.
00:46:58Everything with you is image.
00:47:00I saw you down the pub last night.
00:47:02We're broke.
00:47:03And you were throwing money around like Elton John.
00:47:05And instead of finding work,
00:47:07you prefer to sit in this recycled council flat,
00:47:10pretending to be Quentin Tarantino.
00:47:12And when we go out in the Capri,
00:47:13you insist on having the windows wound up,
00:47:15even in a heat wave,
00:47:17just to make other drivers think you've got air conditioning.
00:47:21Well, I know I'm not perfect.
00:47:22Oh, God!
00:47:24That is the understatement of the year.
00:47:27Unless a miracle happens in ten days' time,
00:47:29my son and I are going to be living in some
00:47:32flea-bitten bed-and-breakfast in downtown Sodoffsville.
00:47:36Well, if it's a miracle you want,
00:47:37then I'm your man, aren't I?
00:47:39I'm chairman of Miracles Are Us.
00:47:41You're a man, Del.
00:47:43You'll never understand.
00:47:44Just remember one thing.
00:47:46Only women bleed.
00:47:47God blimey, only women bleed?
00:47:51Gordon Bennett.
00:47:55I am not a control freak.
00:47:58It's just that I have had no choice.
00:48:02Do you realise that when I was 16,
00:48:05my old man walked out and left me and Rodney
00:48:08in the care of our daft old grandad?
00:48:11He tried his best,
00:48:12but he wasn't up to it.
00:48:15So I had to take over.
00:48:18And I've been doing it ever since,
00:48:19and I can't get out of the habit.
00:48:21I'm going to have a lie down.
00:48:37All right?
00:48:40Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.
00:48:43Kellan and I have had a quiet little chat.
00:48:45Yeah, I heard.
00:49:01You've got somewhere to stay?
00:49:02You know, after the auction.
00:49:03Well, Trigger said I could doss down at his place.
00:49:08There's not much room, you know,
00:49:10what with all those X-File videos and chopsticks.
00:49:13But here we go.
00:49:16Dear.
00:49:17Women.
00:49:18Do you know what Raquel said?
00:49:19She said,
00:49:20Only women bleed.
00:49:21God blimey.
00:49:23She ought to be outside the Nags Head on a Saturday night.
00:49:26They reckon they're the only ones who suffer.
00:49:29They don't know what it's like to be a bloke.
00:49:32I mean, they worry about their PMT.
00:49:34Well, that's men we worry about.
00:49:36Our MOT?
00:49:38Yes.
00:49:39Do they listen to us?
00:49:42No, they don't.
00:49:42No, they don't.
00:49:45She'll never meet another bloke like me, will she?
00:49:49No.
00:49:52Well, that's it, Rodney.
00:49:53I mean, that is it.
00:49:54You know, once the flat is auctioned,
00:49:58I said we'll split up, we'll go our separate ways.
00:50:01Won't see her again.
00:50:02Oh, Bill, don't say that.
00:50:03No, no, no.
00:50:05That's it, Rodney.
00:50:05She won't be able to get round me
00:50:07because, you know,
00:50:08when my mind is made up, pal,
00:50:10my mind is made up.
00:50:13Del?
00:50:16Yes?
00:50:17I just said
00:50:18I'm going for a lie down.
00:50:33No, she's...
00:50:34She's all right, isn't she?
00:50:36She's really real.
00:50:39She's lovely.
00:50:40She...
00:50:41Hey?
00:50:44Yeah, she's lovely.
00:50:45She's lovely.
00:51:29How are you?
00:51:30Sorry.
00:51:31I was just thinking.
00:51:32Look, I know you're worried about losing the flat, but my mum and dad said we're welcome
00:51:37to stay there as long as we like.
00:51:39I know you and my mum don't...
00:51:40Yeah, that's great.
00:51:41Thanks.
00:51:42All right.
00:51:43All right.
00:51:44What's wrong?
00:51:45Nothing.
00:51:46I'm just not hungry.
00:51:47Roddy, I refuse to have this baby until you tell me.
00:51:52Take a look at this.
00:51:57It's a jolly boy's out into Margate, July 1960.
00:52:02Oh, this is great.
00:52:04Is that Del?
00:52:06Yeah.
00:52:07Fifteen.
00:52:08And Trigger.
00:52:09Oh, look at Trigger.
00:52:11Keep looking.
00:52:12That must be Boise.
00:52:14Those eyes.
00:52:15And Denzel.
00:52:16Look at his hair.
00:52:18Yeah.
00:52:19Yeah.
00:52:20Keep looking.
00:52:21There's your granddad.
00:52:22Aww.
00:52:23And there's you.
00:52:25Yeah, it is, mate.
00:52:27July 1960.
00:52:28Before I was born.
00:52:29Where is everyone?
00:52:30I'm in the bathroom.
00:52:31Dinner's in the oven.
00:52:32Oh, all right.
00:52:33Oh, all right.
00:52:34Oh, all right.
00:52:35Oh, all right.
00:52:36Oh, all right.
00:52:38Oh, all right.
00:52:39Oh, all right.
00:52:41Oh, all right.
00:52:43Well, where is everyone?
00:52:48I'm in the bathroom.
00:52:49Dinner's in the oven.
00:52:51Oh, all right.
00:52:59Oh, dear, oh, dear.
00:53:13Bloody hell.
00:53:17So, who is he?
00:53:20He's my father.
00:53:22But your father is...
00:53:24My real father.
00:53:26My biological old man.
00:53:29I've had my suspicions for years, you know.
00:53:33People tried to convince me it was just my imagination.
00:53:39His name was Freddy the Frog.
00:53:40Look, he'd been a Royal Navy diver, hence the nickname, you know.
00:53:46Him and my mum were...
00:53:48friends.
00:53:51Are you absolutely certain?
00:53:53Look at the photo, Cass.
00:53:56We don't need DNA with this one.
00:53:58All right?
00:54:06What's the first name that springs to mind?
00:54:09Well, Rodney.
00:54:12Exactly.
00:54:13Rodney.
00:54:15Who is he?
00:54:16His name was Freddy Robdell.
00:54:22He was a mate of my dad's.
00:54:25See, my mum was having a, well, rough time with the old man.
00:54:29He was very handy, if you know what I mean, with women.
00:54:33Not much cop when it came to men, but, you know, he was a real hard nut with women and kids.
00:54:38Anyway, one day my dad brought this Freddy Robdell home and him and my mum, well, they got on like a house on fire, didn't they?
00:54:45You know, the same taste in music and...
00:54:49Oh, everything.
00:54:51And what was he, this Freddy Robdell?
00:54:53He was a gentleman's safe cracker.
00:54:57They called him the Raffles of Peckham.
00:55:00People have mentioned him before and we sounded similar, you know.
00:55:05He was a connoisseur of fine wines, gourmet of international cuisine, real snappy dresser, big time charmer.
00:55:14So how are you similar?
00:55:19We're about the same height.
00:55:20So where's Freddy the Frog or Daddy now?
00:55:26He's dead.
00:55:28Back in 64 he was breaking into a safe and he sat on the detonator.
00:55:33He sat on the detonator?
00:55:36Why?
00:55:37Well, I think it's what's known in the underworld as an accident.
00:55:45You've known all these years.
00:55:48No.
00:55:48Well, at least not when Rodney was a baby, but when you get to 20 and your six-year-old brother is taller than you are, it makes you think, doesn't it?
00:56:00I never knew really who he was.
00:56:03As a youngster, I was told to call him Uncle Fred.
00:56:06And then one night, a few years back, Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks do, there's a wet corset contest.
00:56:16And anyway, he told me all about Freddy and my mum.
00:56:25You know.
00:56:27I don't know whether you noticed, but there are no photographs of my mum in this house.
00:56:34Except for a couple of close-ups that I gave to Rodney.
00:56:37Well, yeah, but I assumed your dad had taken them when he left.
00:56:40No, I used to think that.
00:56:42He only used to take money and things that he could sell.
00:56:46And then Uncle Albert told me...
00:56:48It was my Aunt Rean who dealt with it just after mum's funeral.
00:56:56You see, every photograph in this house had a picture of Freddy Robdall in it.
00:57:01And my Aunt Rean knew that as Rodney got older, people would see the...
00:57:07...stimularities, you know what?
00:57:10So she took him out and burnt him.
00:57:13Do you think Rodney knows?
00:57:17Well, he's never been very observant, has he?
00:57:20Nah.
00:57:21Ain't got a clue.
00:57:25Do you think Dale knows anything about all this?
00:57:28He would have seen it.
00:57:30You gonna tell him?
00:57:31No.
00:57:34It'd break his heart.
00:57:40Will you say anything to Rodney?
00:57:43I can't.
00:57:46It'd break his heart.
00:58:01There, we've got to see.
00:58:05Cartwright.
00:58:05What do you think he wants?
00:58:09You've asked me that a hundred times and a hundred times I've said I don't bloody know.
00:58:15Well, think hard, Derek.
00:58:17We don't want to go in there unarmed.
00:58:19If we know what you did, then we can have our excuses ready.
00:58:22I've done nothing but think.
00:58:23I've done nothing but think.
00:58:26All I know is that every business decision, every tactical move that I've ever made, we've already been done for.
00:58:33Oh, it's probably nothing.
00:58:38Dale, solicitors don't send you ten letters for nothing.
00:58:41No, this is something.
00:58:43And my instincts say it's something bad.
00:58:45We're gonna go to prison, aren't we?
00:58:50Oh, shut up, you tar.
00:58:52We're not gonna go to prison.
00:58:54Cassandra's gonna be bringing my baby to visit me in Wormwood Scrums.
00:58:56Oi, and you know the fun and games they get up to in prison, don't you?
00:59:02Well, you can guarantee I'm gonna be a prime target.
00:59:07Well, I hope they put us in separate cells, you depressing git.
00:59:12Well, how do you expect me to feel?
00:59:14A few weeks from now, I could be someone's bitch.
00:59:20Some great big ugly geezer's gonna choose me to be his special friend.
00:59:24All you've got to say is, oi, none of that.
00:59:30You say, I'll look after you, Rodney.
00:59:32You lend me his Rolling Stone CD and then we'll be engaged.
00:59:37Well, at least we'll have a little bit of a party then, won't we?
00:59:41I'm gonna ask to be put in solitary confinement.
00:59:44No, no, no, don't do that, because you don't want a reputation as a tease.
00:59:52You're enjoying this, aren't you?
00:59:53No, look, just listen to me, will you, don't be.
00:59:57The lawyer has asked us to come in and have a little chat, haven't he?
01:00:00And this, whatever it is, is a civil matter.
01:00:03You only go to prison for a criminal offence.
01:00:07That means a police prosecution.
01:00:10Do you see any Mr. Plods around there?
01:00:12Yes, I'm so stupid, aren't I?
01:00:16I'll just let my imagination run away with itself and...
01:00:19But if the worst comes to the worst...
01:00:25All right, I'll go in the showers first.
01:00:28Del, I've been doing a bit of thinking lately.
01:00:37Mm-hm.
01:00:39Well, you know that photo that Sid lent me?
01:00:43Gentlemen, Mr. Cartwright will see you now.
01:00:46Ah, gentlemen, please take a seat.
01:01:02So, at last we meet.
01:01:05You two have proved to be very elusive.
01:01:08I've been writing to you for three months now, not one word of reply.
01:01:11Yes, sorry about that.
01:01:12We've been a bit busy.
01:01:14Yeah, we've had a few problems, you know, recently.
01:01:18Yes, I heard.
01:01:19I took the liberty of speaking to your solicitor.
01:01:21He related a tale of woe to me.
01:01:23Yeah, well, the international stock market can be a fickle thing.
01:01:28Yeah, no, I was referring to his unpaid bill.
01:01:31Oh.
01:01:33Yeah, we were discussing that out in your waiting room, and it's in the post.
01:01:38Yes, I'm sure.
01:01:39Let's attend to the matter at hand.
01:01:41Look, can't you just cut to the chase and tell us the worst?
01:01:44Yes, you tell us what you're suing us for, and we'll tell you why we can't pay.
01:01:50Mr. Trotter, you seem to be under entirely the wrong impression.
01:01:53Did you not read any of my letters?
01:01:55I said I had something that may be of interest to you.
01:01:58My firm acted as solicitors for your great-uncle, Albert Gladstone Trotter.
01:02:03Oh, no.
01:02:05All right.
01:02:07What did he do?
01:02:09Well, nothing, as far as I know.
01:02:12This is a reading of his last will and testament.
01:02:16Albert left the will.
01:02:18Indeed.
01:02:18He didn't have nothing.
01:02:19Well, not quite.
01:02:21I understand that when you came into your fortune, you made Albert a very generous gift.
01:02:27Yeah, well, I mean, we saw that he was all right, but that would be, well, you know what, about six years ago.
01:02:34He's probably blown all that.
01:02:35Well, not entirely.
01:02:38As you know, Albert lived a very simple life.
01:02:41He didn't buy properties or Rolls Royces, didn't care for Caribbean holidays or Hawaiian cruisers.
01:02:47He simply invested your gift, and with respect, in a far more stable area than you managed to.
01:02:54All his investments were blue chip.
01:02:56Not very exciting, but stable, and bringing in a small but regular interest.
01:03:01Anyway, he's left his entire estate to you.
01:03:03Well, now, before I do the legal reading, let's, as you say, cut to the chase.
01:03:08After death's duties, he has left you the sum of £145,000.
01:03:19Each.
01:03:20Yes, hello?
01:03:33Raquel!
01:03:34Raquel!
01:03:35You'll never guess we're saved.
01:03:37It was all about Uncle Albert and his will.
01:03:40We're on our way.
01:03:45Right.
01:03:46She's in delivery, room 10.
01:03:48I don't know if I can place this.
01:03:50Of course you can, Rodney.
01:03:52You've got to be there for a birth.
01:03:54Otherwise, you'll never forgive yourself.
01:03:57No.
01:03:57No, you're right.
01:03:58Here I am.
01:04:00This is it.
01:04:01This is it.
01:04:02Come on, give us a go.
01:04:03Give us a go.
01:04:05That's it.
01:04:05Good boy.
01:04:06Good boy.
01:04:07Right.
01:04:07Come on, then.
01:04:08Oh, bloody hell.
01:04:20I'm sorry.
01:04:23I'm sorry.
01:04:24I'm really, really sorry.
01:04:25What are you playing at, Pat?
01:04:26My wife's in there having a baby and you're just wandering for a look.
01:04:30It wasn't like that.
01:04:31I was...
01:04:31I'm sorry.
01:04:32I'm sorry.
01:04:34No, Pat.
01:04:34It's room 16, not 10.
01:04:44And then you've got a punch on the mouth.
01:04:45Just...
01:04:45Shut up, you to heart.
01:04:47Come home.
01:04:53From me.
01:04:54I've got to be there for a birth.
01:04:55You can't be there for the birth.
01:04:59What?
01:04:59They've had to give Cassandra a caesarean section.
01:05:05What's happened to my baby?
01:05:07The baby's already been delivered.
01:05:09And mother and child are fine.
01:05:17Mr. Trotter.
01:05:18Are you all right, sweetheart?
01:05:37Yeah.
01:05:38I've never felt better in all my life.
01:05:40Oh.
01:05:43She's a lot, haven't she, eh?
01:05:44Well...
01:05:57What do you reckon?
01:06:03She's like a work of art.
01:06:07Yeah.
01:06:09Lovely jubbly.
01:06:11Lovely jubbly.
01:06:11Lovely jubbly.
01:06:14Lovely jubbly.
01:06:17Lovely jubbly.
01:06:17Lovely jubbly.
01:06:18Lovely jubbly.
01:06:18Lovely jubbly.
01:06:34What are you going to call her?
01:06:37Don't know yet.
01:06:40In case her disagreement, you know, if it was a boy, she'd name him.
01:06:44And if it was a girl, I could name her.
01:06:48You're not going to hold me to that, are you?
01:06:52Oh, yeah.
01:06:53Oh, yeah.
01:07:23They're going to laugh themselves because we are staying put.
01:07:53You're a work of art.
01:07:58Yes, you are.
01:08:00You're a work of art.
01:08:30Did you love him?
01:08:31Did he love you?
01:08:36I hope he made you happy.
01:08:39You know, a few laughs.
01:08:40I've got two photos of you.
01:08:45I bet that's it.
01:08:48That's my past.
01:08:51My history is two photos.
01:08:53One of them's blurred.
01:08:56I hope she'll be as lovely as you.
01:09:06Well, she will.
01:09:10I wish I'd known you.
01:09:17I wish we'd had...
01:09:19Well, you know.
01:09:21I wish I'd love...
01:09:22Something to...
01:09:23Just something.
01:09:27If you bump into Uncle Albert...
01:09:39Say thanks.
01:09:41Oh, here you are, Rodney.
01:09:48I wonder where you was.
01:09:49Been looking for you.
01:09:50Well, I just thought I'd take her out for a little walk, you know.
01:09:52Mm.
01:09:53Did a bit of tidying up.
01:09:54She's a little heartbreaker, isn't she, eh?
01:10:02Hey, you got a name for her yet?
01:10:05Hmm.
01:10:07What?
01:10:08Huh?
01:10:08Hmm.
01:10:09I don't know.
01:10:09I don't know.
01:10:10I don't know.
01:10:11Hmm.
01:10:13Hmm.
01:10:14Hmm.
01:10:36Del, can I ask you a question?
01:10:38Yeah, what's that?
01:10:46Other than looks, was he like me in any way?
01:10:51Who?
01:10:53You know who?
01:10:55Freddy Robdall.
01:10:58My father.
01:11:02Freddy the Frog was a professional burglar.
01:11:06He was disloyal to his friends.
01:11:10He was a womaniser, a homebreaker, a conman, a thief, a liar and a cheat.
01:11:17So no, Rodney.
01:11:20You're nothing like him.
01:11:26Come on. Let's go home, bruv.
01:11:36Can I ask you a question, Rodgers?
01:11:48Yeah, far away.
01:11:50Where did that runway come from?
01:11:56I don't fancy making that film any more.
01:11:58You know what, Rodgers?
01:12:01It's a bloody good idea.
01:12:02We've got some half-price crack ties, some miles and miles of carpet tiles,
01:12:13TVs, deep freeze, and David Bowie OPs.
01:12:16Pool games, gold chains, wuss names, and header push,
01:12:19and Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush, and Shepard's Bush.
01:12:22Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush.
01:12:24No income tax, no VAT.
01:12:27No money back, no guarantee.
01:12:31Black or white, rich or broke,
01:12:34a wheel cut, prices, and a straw.
01:12:39God bless, Hooky Street.
01:12:42Viva, Hooky Street.
01:12:45Long live, Hooky Street.
01:12:48Same, magnifique, Hooky Street.
01:12:52Magnifique, Hooky Street.
01:12:54Hooky Street, Hooky Street, Hooky Street, Hooky Street.
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