- 18 hours ago
Tv, Only Fools And Horses S07E01 - The Sky & amp; The Limit.
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one who's driving me berserk
00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:33La la la, la la la la, la la la la la
00:38La la la la la, la la la la, la la la
00:41Point a music, get down and boogie
00:44All you can do is step back and dime
00:48All you can do is step back and dime
00:51There's nothing new and there's nothing to it
00:54Step back and dime
00:55When you can't point a music
00:57You've only got to pop across the corridor to the bathroom
01:10It's not a life or death dash over no man's land
01:13He doesn't know I'm staying in here with you
01:19He still thinks I sleep in Rodney's old room
01:21And Rodney sleeps on the settee
01:22We'll have to tell him the truth, Del
01:24All right, all right, all right, all right, sweetheart
01:27If it makes you happy, you tell him
01:31Me?
01:31I didn't tell him
01:32It's embarrassing, he's your uncle, you tell him
01:36All right, I'll tell him
01:38What's the matter with you?
01:40He don't bother me, honestly
01:41Get back, he's coming, he's coming
01:44Chee up, Del boy
01:48Good morning, son
01:50Morning
01:51Here's your papers, Financial Times
01:54Thank you
01:55Exchange of Mark
01:56Yeah
01:57I'll look up the closing prices on the Tokyo Stock Exchange at the breakfast table
02:02Yeah, you please yourself, son
02:04Thank you
02:05Raquel, cup of tea, love
02:09You awake, Raquel
02:12I'll leave it outside for you, love
02:16Step back in time
02:18Oh, the confusion
02:19Ah, ah, ah
02:21Confusion, all of the confusion
02:27Something smells nice out in the kitchen now, but
02:28Yeah, I'll just do myself some egg of bacon, son
02:31What do you want for breakfast?
02:33Something healthy or something nice?
02:36Yes, do us a fry-up, will you?
02:37But look lively, because I don't want Raquel's in
02:39She's into this high-fibre gobblers
02:41Good boy
02:43Oh, have you managed to have a talk with young Rodney yet?
02:45Yeah, what about?
02:47What do you mean, what about?
02:49He's left his wife and come back to live here
02:51Well, he's a full-grown adult, isn't he?
02:53What am I supposed to do?
02:54Well, I don't know
02:55You could appeal to his common sense
02:57Oh, yeah?
02:58And then after lunch, I'll go out and find Shergar
03:00This is no laughing matter
03:03Cassandra's gone to live in a foreign country
03:05No, she ain't
03:06She gone to Spain
03:07Yeah, God damn
03:08She's only gone there for a week
03:11Her and her mum have gone to get away from it all at the family villa
03:14Yeah, family villa
03:16Yeah, I'm family now, aren't I, eh?
03:18I could do with a break
03:19I'm having a drink with Cassandra's dad tonight
03:21I'll have a word with him
03:22Down a pub every night, boozing
03:25Who's that, Cassandra's dad?
03:26I'm talking about Rodney
03:27Oh, I was going to say
03:29Because Alan, he's T-Total, he is
03:31Going out for a drink with him
03:32Is like going on a pub crawl with Betty Ford
03:34Don't worry about Rodney
03:37He's just a bit confused at the moment, that's all
03:39Yeah, he was a bit confused when he'd come in the other night
03:42Confused as a newt
03:44Still, he's making a bit of effort
03:47Look, he made his dead point when he went to work
03:50Yeah, hang about
03:53Albert, just a minute
03:54Look, the thing is, you see
03:57That Rodney did not sleep on the settee last night
04:00Oh?
04:01No
04:01Where did he sleep then?
04:03Well, he slept in his old room
04:05Oh
04:06I thought Raquel slept in there
04:10No
04:12Where did she sleep then?
04:16I don't believe him
04:18She slept
04:20Somewhere else
04:23Oh, I see
04:31Where?
04:33No
04:33Listen, could you raise your voice just one more decibel
04:37Then they'll be able to hear you in the do-doin
04:39You mean she slept with you then?
04:42Yes
04:43All right
04:44Yes
04:44Yes, she did
04:45Listen
04:46Don't you go and say nothing to her about it
04:49Why, don't she know?
04:56Of course she knows
04:58It's just that I don't want her to be embarrassed, that's all
05:01I wonder why you looked a bit chirpy
05:03Blimey, that laugh of yours
05:08Sounds like someone trying to push start a larder
05:10Here, you had my breakfast
05:15Build your strength back
05:17I'll cook myself another one
05:20Good, bless you, Uncle
05:21Oh, you're a lifesaver, I tell you
05:23Look at that, eh?
05:28Lovely, jubbly
05:29Morning
05:30Morning
05:38Morning, love
05:38Nice to see you back on your feet
05:40Are you up to a bit of breakfast?
05:47No, thanks
05:47I don't know how you can eat that sort of rubbish, Albert
05:51Well, the Trotter family have been eating that sort of rub
05:53That sort of cuisine for generations
05:56Never done us any harm
05:58My dad lived till he was 81
06:0081, see, that's a good age, isn't it?
06:02Work for him, he died
06:04I know that, I know, but what I meant
06:10I agree with Brackel
06:13Oh, yeah, I can't eat all that fried rubbish no more
06:16No, no
06:16You give me a nice, good old grapefruit any day
06:19Good
06:20That's what I like to hear
06:22You've got some egg on your chin
06:24A doctor told you to stay off fried food
06:29Yes, I know
06:29And a doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit
06:31You all know what happened to that, poor old cow
06:35It's all right, it's all right, sweetheart
06:37I know you've got my intentions at heart
06:40And I'm grateful
06:41I'll try and leave it alone in future
06:43All right
06:43Now, good Lord
06:46Is that the time?
06:47Here, look, are you eating?
06:48No, I want to get down to shops before they're too packed
06:49All right
06:50Well, come on then
06:50I'm going to give you a lift now
06:51Because I've got to go and drop off some printing at Boyce's
06:54All right
06:55Dear Opie, look at that
06:58Albert, I'll see you later
07:00And you know what you can do with that rubbish, don't you, eh?
07:03Look at me
07:04Put it in the oven, put it in the oven
07:08Still going to work?
07:17Yeah, I thought you'd gone as well
07:19Eh, no, I overslept a bit when I woke up
07:22Do you want a bit of breakfast?
07:24Whoa, yeah, I'll have a
07:25No, I'll have a glass of orange juice
07:28Well, you'd better get a move on
07:30Gone nine
07:32Yeah, well, thing is, hon
07:35I don't really feel well enough to go to work today
07:38Could you give them a ring and tell them I won't be there?
07:41What's wrong with you?
07:42Oh, you know, it's my stomach
07:44It sort of aches and that
07:45I think I've got a viral condition, you know
07:48There's a lot of it about
07:49Yeah, especially amongst the regulars down at Nas Head
07:52I've not got a hangover, if that's what you're thinking
07:56All right, I had a couple of drinks last night
07:59Yeah, and the night before, and the night before that
08:01Yeah, it's all right, just
08:02Oh, you know, ask for the personnel department, all right?
08:08Oh, Pat
08:08Hello?
08:11Could I have the personnel department, please?
08:15They wouldn't have had the likes of you in the armed forces
08:17All right, let's get out of World War III then, doesn't it?
08:19Hello? Oh, good morning
08:21I'm calling on behalf of Rodney Trotter
08:23He won't be in today because he...
08:25Eh?
08:26What do you mean, who is he?
08:27Who are you?
08:30Cheeky cow, you tell her, I'm...
08:32Tell her I'm the head
08:33The head of the computer section
08:35He's the head...
08:36He's the head of the computer section
08:39Yeah, that's him
08:43Well, he won't be in today because you've got the bellyache
08:51So no, he might be a bit egg-bound
08:55Right
08:57Yeah, all right, dear
08:59Bye
09:00All right?
09:01All right?
09:01What do you mean, all right?
09:03What did you tell her I had a bellyache for?
09:05Well, that's what you've got, innit?
09:06No, it is not
09:07Who said you had an ache?
09:08I have
09:09In your belly?
09:10Yes
09:11Well, ain't that a bellyache?
09:12No
09:13I must have got the wrong head of the stick, son
09:15A bellyache is what you have
09:17when you're trying to get out of school sports day
09:20Heads of computer sections have viral conditions
09:24Well, whatever it was
09:25they know you won't be into work today
09:26I don't think I can go to work ever again
09:29Bloody head-bound
09:30Hey, Albert
09:33Have you seen the keys to the van?
09:35Hey, look, get that breakfast on the...
09:37Rodney, what are you doing here?
09:38I thought you were supposed to be at work
09:39You're not going to work today
09:40Why not?
09:41You've got a viral condition
09:42What's that?
09:44A bellyache
09:45Well, that must have come on rather sudden, Rodney
09:49because last night you were feeling no pain
09:52I know what you're thinking
09:54No, you don't
09:55Just because I had a couple of drinks
09:57you automatically assume I have a hangover
09:59Oh, dear
10:00Have you looked at yourself in the mirror this morning?
10:03Because you certainly ain't the fairest in the land
10:05You look as though you've just come back
10:08from a Club 1830 trip to Chernobyl
10:10Yeah, well, Chernobyl's not too far from the truth
10:15My love life has taken on a distinctly Russian ambience
10:19Freezing bloody cold and the goods rarely turn up
10:22You don't want to believe what you read about the Russians
10:27During the war
10:29Oh, during the...
10:31Yeah, you bet out, will you?
10:32I was in the Soviet Union for a while
10:34Here we go
10:35We're back in the USSR
10:36Listen, you've got no problems
10:39They wouldn't let you in the Soviet Union
10:41They wouldn't let you in the Plumbers Union
10:43I was drive-dropped in Burmence for over a month
10:46and I met one or two of them Russian girls
10:48and I'm telling you, they're hot stuff
10:50Oh, leave it out, Albert
10:52No, it's true, Rodney
10:53He's got a point
10:54I mean, have you seen that love bite on Gorbachev's head?
11:00Come on, Rodney
11:00Give me a hand look for these keys, will you?
11:02I've got to get that printing down to Boise's
11:04Oh, Albert, I want you to iron my midnight pink shirt
11:07for this evening I'm having cocktails with Alan
11:09Cassandra's Day?
11:10Yes, Cassandra's Day
11:11Your father-in-law, your employer
11:13And, Rodney, I don't know what you're going to say
11:16about your fun and games
11:17How many days have you had off this week
11:18because of hangovers?
11:20You've got to push that man's loyalty too far, my son
11:22You really are
11:23I'm ill
11:24Ill?
11:25All right, you're ill
11:25I'll tell him, shall I?
11:26What have you got, the two bob bits?
11:30Derek, a viral condition sounds better
11:32And what am I supposed to say
11:34about this situation between you and Cassandra?
11:37I'll tell him I'm working on it
11:38Oh, yeah, that should cheer him up no end, shouldn't it, eh?
11:40It's all right, come on in, where are these keys?
11:43If I knew where they were, I wouldn't be looking for them, would I?
11:45Look, go and have a look in my bedroom
11:46I'll have a look in the kitchen
11:47I can't remember where I left them
11:48I could have left
11:49Hey, Rodney
11:51Rodney
11:52Listen, do you want me to phone and make an appointment
11:55at the doctor's for you?
11:57No, no, no, I'll be all right
11:58Well, look at you, look, you're limping
11:59Yeah, I know, my sock's soaking wet
12:01Somebody left a mug of tea outside my bedroom door
12:04Duke
12:25Duke, come on
12:25Yes, we are going out for the day. I am just waiting for the engineers to call to check this thing over.
12:42I mean, they said they'd be here at nine. Look at it. Quarter to ten already and there's no sign of it.
12:47The old boy was supposed to bring my printing around. I suppose he's got held up by that woman.
12:52What's her name?
12:53Raquel.
12:54Yeah, the stripper.
12:56She is not a stripper. She is an actress.
12:59Oh, yeah? Really? Well, last time I saw her, she was acting the part of a stripper.
13:06Isn't that working yet?
13:07Yes.
13:08It's working. It's just that I can't train it on the satellites. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to know where they are?
13:15They'd fly them a bit lower, wouldn't you?
13:17Well, that wouldn't be a...
13:19Look, Tyler. Here, come round here and look at your daddy. Look. Here he is. Look at your daddy playing with his new toy. Donnie looks stupid.
13:32This is not a toy, Marlene. You are looking at £2,000 worth of state-of-the-art technology.
13:40You never paid £2,000 for that. You got it hooky.
13:44Shh, Marlene. For God's sake. We've got a chief inspector living next door.
13:49I know. He was the one you got it off of. Why come we got a cheap one from Dixon's like everyone else?
13:55Because this is not for pleasure, Marlene. This is a high-tech investment in my video leisure company. This thing can pick up the whole of Scandinavia.
14:08I can therefore record films of the more adult variety and show them to my more discerning client.
14:15You mean perverts?
14:17A little bit medical about it, yes.
14:19I see. You've got a minute.
14:21Oh, he wants paying. And no messing. You paying. I know what a tight sod you are.
14:27Hey, and be nice to him. You know he's had problems.
14:31OK, I'll be nice to him.
14:35Don't get your face too close. It scares him.
14:46I just finished.
14:52Oh, you are finished, alright.
14:54Look what you've done to my vestibule.
14:56I've got paint on me carpets, paint on me chandeliers, paint on me Chippendale telephone seat.
15:00Well, you can't help but drop or two of paint.
15:02A drop or two?
15:03It looks as though someone's held an acid party in a Dulux warehouse.
15:07Oh, sorry you're disappointed. What shall I do with the bill?
15:10Stick it where the mice won't get at it. I am not paying.
15:13Hang about, Boise. We had an agreement. You owe me 400 quid. We shook hands on it.
15:18Yes, and I had to wash the paint off afterwards.
15:21Now look, you either adjust your bill to take account of all that damage or contact my solicitor.
15:27That is the last time I have a cowboy working on my property.
15:30I am not a cowboy.
15:32Not a cowboy.
15:34I've got spur marks on me grandfather clock.
15:37I don't like being called a cowboy.
15:40No one's ever called me that before.
15:42I am not a cowboy.
15:46Bronco!
15:47Oh, what's your bill?
15:49How's your luck, pal?
15:50Oh, I've just been working for Boise. That's how bad things are.
15:53You'll never guess. That tight-ass Bert's only refusing to pay me.
15:57Cuse me of being a messy worker.
15:59Well, let's face it, Bronco. I mean, you are just a little bit sloppy, aren't you?
16:03I mean, look at the state of them overalls.
16:04I'm a painter and decorator.
16:06I know that. If I only sold them to you last Tuesday.
16:08You know, I did ask signer of running through the washing machine,
16:11but the landlord's cut our electric off.
16:13Landlord?
16:14I thought you bought that little flat down on Chip Lane.
16:16The building society evicted us.
16:18Oh.
16:19So where are you now?
16:20In a bed and breakfast hotel out near the airport.
16:22Oh.
16:23It's handy if you like planes.
16:25Yeah, we're at the end of the main runway.
16:27Whooshty.
16:29Here, how's that little Kylie of yours then?
16:34Oh, she broke her arm.
16:35No.
16:36Yeah, climbed up on a chair to look at a plane.
16:41Things are a bit grim for you, aren't they, Bronco?
16:43Yeah.
16:44Hey, maybe I should tell Boise, eh? Give him a sob story.
16:47What?
16:48Tell Boise a sob story? You've got to be joking.
16:50He's the one that cheered when Bambi's mum died.
16:55I just don't understand my luck lately, Del.
16:57If it can go wrong, it's gone wrong.
17:00A roof I've retold has just collapsed.
17:02Last week, I rewired a bloke's flat.
17:04Yesterday, it caught fire.
17:05Oh, by the way, here's my business card.
17:07Just in case you need anything done.
17:09Oh, thanks.
17:10It's very handy.
17:11Yeah, I'll keep that.
17:14You know, I've worked hard to build up this business.
17:17And I've always led an honest life.
17:21Well, kept out of trouble for the last five years, haven't I?
17:23Yeah, that's true.
17:24Being banged up in Wandsworth Prison helped a bit, though, couldn't it?
17:27And why did I go away?
17:29Because you have this tendency to nick very silly things.
17:33I mean, you were caught speeding down Streatham High Street in a knocked-off JCB.
17:37Look, Bronco, I know you've got these, um, problems.
17:44What do you mean, problems?
17:46Well, that psychiatrist reckoned you suffered from some sort of paranoia, didn't he?
17:50You can't tell your notice of him, Del.
17:52He's always had it in for me.
17:54Oh, yeah, I never thought of that.
18:00Here, Bronco.
18:02Listen, do you need a few quid to tide you over?
18:04Oh, no, no, no.
18:05That's very nice of you, Del.
18:06No, I'll get me money, one way or another.
18:09See you around.
18:10All right.
18:11Listen, if you need any help, just give us a bell, right?
18:13Stay lucky.
18:16Oh, here you are.
18:31I brought your printing round.
18:33He's gone, has he?
18:34Yeah.
18:35Good.
18:36He's been decorating my vestibule.
18:38Oh, yeah.
18:39Made quite a good job of it, as it happens.
18:41I'm well pleased.
18:44But you refuse to pay him.
18:46No, no, no, Del boy.
18:48I only refuse to pay the agreed price.
18:51Well, it's principle.
18:53I make a fuss, he doesn't want the publicity or the agro,
18:56and so he knocks off 50% for goodwill.
18:59He gets a living wage, and I save 200 notes.
19:03It's good business.
19:04Yeah, but come on.
19:05I mean, look, he's got that Kylie and Sandra and Rackman to support, hasn't he?
19:10Does this look like the Social Security to you?
19:13I mean, who is he, anyway?
19:15He's your brother-in-law.
19:17Do you think I like having a certified nutter working in my house?
19:23I only give him the job to help him out.
19:26Hey, talking of in-laws, bloody Andy having Rodney working for his father-in-law's printing firm, isn't it?
19:31All this at half price.
19:32Hey, does Alan know about this?
19:34It wouldn't matter if he did, because Rodney is totally in charge now.
19:37That place couldn't possibly operate without him.
19:40Oh, I always have faith in that boy.
19:42Yeah, so did I.
19:43You've ordered a lot of print this time, haven't you?
19:45Yeah, I thought I'd get in quick before Rodney gets a sack.
19:49I've been thinking about getting one of them electric pianos.
20:13Yeah, they sound a lot better, don't I?
20:15Yeah, that's right.
20:17And you can switch them off.
20:19Still, at least my ban on his singings worked.
20:22Last night it was Trotter the Younger and his dopey mate.
20:25Were you in last night, Trick?
20:27Most probably.
20:29Yeah, well there was Rodney, Mickey Pierce, Jeb, dancing and poncing about, pretending to be Ninja Turtles.
20:36It's all that far too much to drink.
20:38Don't want that sort of thing in a pub, do you?
20:40No, you don't.
20:42He's singing?
20:48I know.
20:49Does he know you banned him?
20:51Oh, Terry boy.
20:52Oh, save me to me.
21:04Cool.
21:05Hello, au revoir to you both?
21:06Oh, boy.
21:07Oh, Del.
21:08What are you drinking, mate?
21:09Just a peach di curry, please, Michael, and a chipmolata sandwich.
21:13Yeah, Alan hasn't been in yet, has he?
21:15I'm supposed to be having a drink with him tonight.
21:16I haven't seen him so far, Del.
21:17Oh, right.
21:18Little Boycey about half an hour ago, didn't even stop to say hello.
21:21Seemed in a right mood.
21:22Oh, I expect Marlene's taking the velcro off his white fronts again.
21:26Sorry, I'm late, Del.
21:29Pam just phoned from the villa.
21:30Oh, that's all right, no problem, Alan.
21:31No problem, what?
21:32What are you drinking?
21:33Just a tomato juice.
21:34And a tomato juice on my bill, please, Michael.
21:37Would you deliver them to the table over moi?
21:39Thank you very much.
21:40Right, come on.
21:41Come and sit yourself down, Alan.
21:43Well, how are you?
21:44Oh, not bad, not bad, Del.
21:45Good.
21:46Well, you're most probably wondering why I asked to meet you tonight.
21:50Wondering?
21:51No, of course I'm not wondering.
21:52What could be more normal than relatives having a quiet drink together, eh?
21:55Oh, here it comes, there you are.
21:57Relatives.
21:58Thank you, Michael.
21:59Thank you very much indeed, yes.
22:00Relatives.
22:01Relatives, yeah, well.
22:02We're family now, aren't we?
22:03Well, yeah, we are kind of related, sort of, yeah.
22:06What do you mean kind of sort of?
22:07No, listen, when Cassandra married a trotter, you all became trotters.
22:12Is it?
22:13Oh, yes.
22:14Well, maybe not in the eyes of the law, but certainly in the eyes of my heart.
22:17Yes.
22:18Alan?
22:19What?
22:20We're family now.
22:21Yeah.
22:22What's mine is yours.
22:23I reckon that works the other way round and all, don't it?
22:26About this villa of yours, I was wondering.
22:29What's happened to Rodney today?
22:31Oh, Rodney, yeah, he's got a viral infection.
22:34Oh, yeah, the lady in personnel said he had the two bob bits.
22:37Eh?
22:38No, no, no, no, no, it's worse than that.
22:40No, it really is.
22:41And he's very, very poorly.
22:42Well, you call a doctor here.
22:43Yeah, well, I wanted to, but he wouldn't let me.
22:45No, it's his uncle's influence.
22:46He's trying to be a British bulldog.
22:48Oh, that's funny.
22:50Last night he was trying to be a ninja turtle.
22:53Rodney was down here last night.
22:55Down here?
22:56He was down here, up there, all over the place.
22:59Drunk as a sack he was.
23:00If he hadn't have been spending so much on drink, I would have slung him out.
23:03Yeah.
23:04These viral infections, you know, they happen very suddenly, Alan.
23:08They really do, yeah.
23:09You're all right, dear.
23:10Now, cards on the table.
23:11This business with Rodney is what I really came to see you about.
23:13So tell me, what the hell is happening?
23:15Well, he's drinking too much, isn't he?
23:18And he's pretending that he's enjoying it.
23:20So that's why he's been having so much time off work recently.
23:22Yeah, that's right.
23:23I've been trying to tell him, but it's no good.
23:25I said if he carries on this rate, he's going to be a dead ringer for Keith Richards.
23:28Yeah.
23:29Yeah.
23:30Looks like an extra from Halloween, as it is.
23:32So what do you think's brought it about?
23:35Well, I don't know who can say.
23:36It's his lifestyle, I suppose.
23:38You know, late nights, women, booze, drugs.
23:41Rodney?
23:42Hmm?
23:43Oh, Rodney?
23:44Oh, not Rodney.
23:45No, I thought you meant...
23:46He had a...
23:47No.
23:48You see...
23:49Oh, dear.
23:50There.
23:51No, no, no.
23:52Well, it's obvious what the thing is, innit?
23:53I mean, it's this problem with him and Cassandra.
23:54Oh, yeah.
23:55That's just what I always feared.
23:56And I had hoped that one day I could leave the business to them two now and I'd left it in good hands.
23:58Oh, yeah.
23:59Well, it's a dream come true, innit?
24:00Oh, yeah.
24:01Well, it's a dream come true, innit?
24:02You could fall off the perch in peace, couldn't you?
24:04Didn't exactly mean falling off the perch, Del.
24:05I meant I could retire.
24:06Oh, yes, yes.
24:07Of course.
24:08Sorry, yeah.
24:09Well, Pam and I always planned to settle down in our villa in the sun.
24:11Yeah.
24:12Well, you could leave the business safely with Rodney and Cassandra.
24:15And if they got into trouble, you could leave the business safely with Rodney and Cassandra.
24:18And if they got into trouble, I'd always be there to take control.
24:19Oh, yeah.
24:20Well, Del, you see, you and I are about the same age, Del, so by that time you'd be retired
24:23too.
24:24Oh, yeah.
24:25Of course.
24:26Never thought of that.
24:27Yeah.
24:28I'd be able to come over and spend a few months with you and Pam at the villa, wouldn't I?
24:33Oh, yeah.
24:34Oh, yeah.
24:35Oh, yeah.
24:36Oh, yeah.
24:37Oh, yeah.
24:38Of course.
24:39Never thought of that.
24:40Yeah.
24:41I'd be able to come over and spend a few months with you and Pam at the villa, wouldn't I?
24:44Oh.
24:45Oh, yeah.
24:46Oh, yeah.
24:47Yeah.
24:48Wait till I tell her.
24:49Yeah.
24:50You and Pam, me and Raquel, you can just picture it, can't you?
24:54Oh, yeah.
24:55Yeah.
24:56We'll have a few laughs.
24:57We'll be, eh?
24:58A few sangrias, bit of fried squid, lamb dada the night away.
25:01Let's have a drink to celebrate, shall we?
25:04I'll get another.
25:05No.
25:06No.
25:07I don't touch it.
25:08Oh, all right.
25:09Well, listen, about that villa of yours.
25:10Hey, Del.
25:11Call for you, mate.
25:12Who is it?
25:13I don't know.
25:14Someone called Blanco or Bronco or something.
25:15Hey?
25:16Oh, excuse me, Alan.
25:17It's a very important business associate of mine.
25:19Would you just...
25:20Hey, Del, lad, hurry up if I were you.
25:21Sounds like he's had a skimple.
25:22Excuse me, lad.
25:24Yeah, Bronco, what is it?
25:28Yeah?
25:29Yeah?
25:30You never know what you've got till it's gone.
25:35Eh?
25:36Yeah, I suppose you're right there, Trigger.
25:40I know how much it can hurt.
25:41I had a relationship breakup a few years ago.
25:44She worked in my council depot.
25:46She was a lady road sweeper?
25:48Oh, no.
25:49She was management.
25:50Real high flyer.
25:51You had to go to her when you wanted a new broom.
25:54Linda.
25:55Nice girl.
25:56Had a funny eye.
25:57Never knew if she was looking at me or seeing if the bus was coming.
26:07Anyway, she'd heard about this little hotel down near Henley-on-Thames.
26:14And she said to me, how about spending a weekend there?
26:18Yeah, go on.
26:19Go on, Bronco.
26:20Yeah, sorry.
26:21What sort of man are we talking about?
26:23Well, look, I'll have to pop down and see it, won't I, eh?
26:26Yeah?
26:27Yeah?
26:28What?
26:29What happened?
26:30Was it a nice weekend?
26:32Yeah, at least I thought it was.
26:34But she didn't want to see me no more after it.
26:36Oh, well, I don't like to pry, Trig, but, er...
26:40No, no, no, no.
26:41It's a bit personal.
26:43Hang on, Bronco.
26:44Trig, what happened?
26:49She got jealous.
26:50I heard later, through friends, that she wanted a go with me.
27:01I'll have a large scotch, Mike.
27:06Sorry, what do you say then, Leroy?
27:11Sorry, do what?
27:13No, I can't hear you.
27:15You're still a bit of mud and dirt over there, love.
27:18Thank you, Albert.
27:19Measure dear.
27:21Sorry, what did you say, Leroy?
27:23I can't, hold on.
27:24Sweetheart, could you switch the J Edgar off?
27:26I'm on the mobile blower.
27:28That's all right.
27:29Thanks, sweetheart.
27:30Right, now, what were you saying, Leroy?
27:33Eh?
27:35Sorry, I can't hear you.
27:36Can you hear me?
27:37Can you hear me?
27:39Can you hear me now?
27:40Can you hear me now?
27:42Can you hear...
27:43I can't hear you.
27:44Oh, blow this for a game of toy soldiers.
27:47Oh dear, look, we've been cut off.
27:49Who knows what he wanted.
27:51Phil, can I ask you something?
27:52Yes, of course you can, sweetheart.
27:53Before I moved into this flat,
27:55how did you keep this place clean?
27:58We didn't.
28:00What I'm trying to say is,
28:01I seem to spend my whole time hoovering.
28:03Well, take a break.
28:04There's loads of ironing to be done in the kitchen.
28:07That's a joke, Trotter,
28:08otherwise you'll be drinking that aftershave.
28:11Yes, of course it's a joke, sweetheart.
28:13Tell you what, come on, take a break.
28:15Come on, come and sit down here, put your feet up,
28:17and I'll go and put the kettle on
28:18and make us a nice cup of tea.
28:20How about put the kettle on
28:21and make us a nice cup of tea, will you?
28:23Oh, look out, here he comes.
28:25You have for lunch, Rodney?
28:27I've just picked up my orders from Alan.
28:29I've got to go and meet Cassandra at the airport.
28:32Oh, by the way, I bumped into Leroy this morning.
28:35He was really upset about some mobile phone
28:37or something you sold him,
28:38so I told him to give you a ring.
28:42Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
28:44OK, right, thanks very much, bro.
28:45Yeah.
28:46So, you've had a little chat, then, with Alan?
28:48No, he left a message with his secretary.
28:49He weren't at work today.
28:50He's got some sort of virus.
28:54What was he want me to pick Cassandra up for?
28:57I think it's a good idea,
28:58give you and Cassandra a chance to have a chat.
29:00I ain't talking to her.
29:01No, she weren't talking to me before she went away,
29:03so I ain't talking to her now.
29:05Oh, grow up, Rodney.
29:06It's got nothing to do with you, Raquel.
29:08Or you.
29:09Hey, don't you ever pop at Raquel?
29:11Well, just stay out of my life.
29:15Come on, dear, oh, dear.
29:16That is one touchy little sob, that is.
29:18Yeah, well, don't be too hard on him.
29:20He's going for a bad patch.
29:22Hmm.
29:23He'll be going through the bloody window
29:24if he carries on at this rate.
29:26Oh.
29:27I'll get it.
29:28No, I'll get it.
29:29You sit here, sweetheart.
29:30I'll go.
29:31Huh.
29:32Oh, he's gone now.
29:33Ah.
29:36Oh, it's Raquel.
29:38You look so different, fully clothed.
29:40Hello, Boisey.
29:41I suppose I've got to ask you in.
29:42Yes, I want to get away as quick as possible.
29:44I've left the Mercedes park downstairs.
29:46You know what they're like on this estate.
29:47They'd have the wheels off a jumbo if it flew too low.
29:50Go on, then.
29:51Go in.
29:52You're too kind.
29:54Del?
29:56Oh, hello, Boisey.
29:57What do you want?
29:59Oh, dear.
30:00Do I detect an atmosphere in Shade Trotter?
30:02Most probably Del's heart of Shade.
30:07I think I'll go in the kitchen with Rodney.
30:09I suddenly feel rather nauseous.
30:14You've got one in a million there, Del boy.
30:16Yeah, I know.
30:17What can I do for you, Boisey?
30:18Well, Derek, you may have heard that I've recently acquired
30:23a rather expensive piece of electronic hardware,
30:25a television satellite aerial receiver.
30:28No, I didn't know that.
30:29Oh, yes.
30:30Yes, and I'm not just talking about one of those 150 quid Mickey Mouse jobs
30:33you see glued to the side of reclaimed council houses
30:36ruining the beauty of the stone cladding.
30:39I'm talking two grand, high-tech, state-of-the-art sophistication.
30:44Leave it out, Boisey. You're making me jealous.
30:46Yes, you're not the only one, Del.
30:47Yesterday, some git nicked it.
30:50You're kidding.
30:51Yes.
30:52When I went out in the morning, there it was standing in my back garden.
30:54When I came back later...
30:55There it wasn't.
30:56You catch on fast, Del.
30:59Well, what do you want me to do about it?
31:01Well, the word is that a very similar television satellite receiver
31:05was seen entering this estate tied to the back of a lorry.
31:08So if any of your contacts should offer you an almost new aerial dish,
31:14buy it off them for me as cheap as possible.
31:17Offer them 300.
31:18I'll go to five at a push.
31:20You what?
31:21You ought to buy your own property back.
31:23Why don't you go to the gendarmes?
31:25Oh, no.
31:26No, they're very busy people.
31:28In any case, I thought I'd save a bit of time doing it this way.
31:30You know what I mean?
31:31Yes, I know what you mean.
31:32All right.
31:33I'll tell you what, Boisey.
31:34I'll kick the ear to the ground.
31:35If I hear anything, I'll give you a bell, all right?
31:36All right.
31:37Goodbye, Raquel.
31:39Glad to see you've settled in so well.
31:41Is your son about 11 years old with a Mohican haircut?
31:44Good God, no.
31:46Who's that sitting in your Mercedes?
31:51You almost made that!
31:55Hope he falls down the stairs.
31:58You feeling better now?
32:01Yeah.
32:02I'm sorry about just now.
32:04That's all right.
32:05Forget it.
32:06Come on, sit down.
32:07Come on, sit down.
32:08So, what are you going to do?
32:10I don't know.
32:12Do you want your marriage to work?
32:14Yes.
32:15Really?
32:16Honestly?
32:17Yes.
32:18Really and honestly.
32:19I just want me and Cass to go back to the way we were, you know.
32:23If she wants to pursue a career and has to go to functions and seminars at the bank, then I don't mind anymore.
32:30I really don't.
32:32Well, why don't you tell her that?
32:35Canapé de Anchois!
32:37The governor of the Bastille said as the old flames lit round his april.
32:42That is French and it means, I gotta do something quick.
32:48If Cassandra had a woman I loved.
32:54A woman who said she loved me.
32:57Now I find myself halfway between paradise and Nelson Mandela house.
33:03I just wanted to believe that I mean everything I say.
33:08I've tried everything in my power to convince her.
33:12I feel like I've taken a mountain to Muhammad only to find...
33:16He's already bloody got one.
33:18I'd better go and see if I can...
33:25Yeah, yeah, go on.
33:37You know why Alan asked you to go and pick Cassandra up at the airport, don't you?
33:42Because you weren't feeling well.
33:44No.
33:46It's because Cassandra and her mum have been sitting around that swimming pool in that villa of theirs,
33:51having exactly the same conversation as we've just had.
33:56She feels exactly the same as you do.
33:59Cassandra?
34:00No, her mum.
34:02Of course, Cassandra.
34:05Really?
34:06Yeah, really.
34:08Listen, have you got any money?
34:09Yeah, I've got money.
34:11Well, not a lot.
34:12No, no.
34:13Listen, I haven't got an idea, right?
34:16Now, I know the manager of this luxury hotel that's right near the airport.
34:22I used to go there during the mating season.
34:26Now, I could give him a bell, right?
34:29And get him to give you the bestest suite in the whole hotel.
34:32Like the four works, right?
34:33So when Cassandra flies in all round and relaxed, you could be there with a big bouquet of flowers and the keys to the honeymoon suite.
34:43A mini honeymoon, eh?
34:4580 months after the first.
34:46Do you really think it could work?
34:49Of course it could.
34:50What?
34:51You and your best whistle, splash and brew?
34:53You'll be home and dry.
34:56Go on then, I'm going.
34:57Good boy!
34:58You know it makes sense.
34:59I'll give him a bell now.
35:00Yeah, bell.
35:01What?
35:02You know I said I had some money.
35:04Mm-hmm.
35:05Well, since I started work for Ellen, I've been doing really well, you know.
35:10I know you've been struggling a bit lately, so what I'm saying is if you need it, it's there.
35:21Rodney, you are the jewel in Mum's crown.
35:25No, Rodney, you really are.
35:27Shut up.
35:28No, it's true.
35:29Thank you very much, brother.
35:30I appreciate that.
35:31But as it happens, I'm not doing too bad at the moment.
35:34I'm doing quite well with the old half-price printing.
35:36And I reckon I'm going to pick up a nice bit of bunce with that thing there.
35:55Good evening, Mr Trotter.
35:56I'm Henry, your concierge.
35:58Your brother phoned and said you would be requiring our very finest sweets.
36:02Complete and utter privacy and a full English breakfast.
36:05Uh, yes.
36:07Now, as this booking is of an intimate nature, I think it would help to maintain a degree of privacy if we dealt only in cash.
36:14Oh, uh, yes.
36:15Right.
36:16That'll be 150 pounds, please.
36:17150 qu...
36:20That's nice, of course.
36:24Oh, and there's a special surprise.
36:26Derek has also ordered champagne on ice.
36:29Only the very finest champagne, Derek said.
36:32Money is of no object.
36:34Oh, that was nice of him, wasn't it?
36:35That'll be another 70 pounds, please.
36:37What?
36:41Well, it can be very, very generous at times, can't it?
36:49I, uh, believe you have a guest joining you.
36:52Uh, yes.
36:53A special evening, is it, sir?
36:57Oh, yeah.
36:58If I'm...
37:00Um, yes.
37:01My wife will be landing at the North Terminal in about an hour.
37:05Oh, I see.
37:07Well, don't worry.
37:08If she should call at the hotel, I'll say I've never heard of you.
37:12No, you don't understand.
37:13My wife is my guest.
37:15Your wife?
37:18Oh, well, it takes all kinds.
37:20Can I order you a bouquet of flowers?
37:23What?
37:24Oh, no.
37:25My brother got me a bouquet.
37:26They're out in the van...
37:27...in the car.
37:29I'm very sorry.
37:57Can I help you, sir?
37:58Yeah, have you got any idea when flight 475 from Malagu will be arriving?
38:02I'll just check.
38:06That flight should be landing in about ten minutes, sir.
38:08Oh, good.
38:10In Manchester.
38:12In Manchester?
38:14I'm afraid it was rerouted.
38:16But I'm waiting for me wife.
38:18I've booked a hotel suite. I've got a bottle of champagne.
38:21I've spent an eye on 200 quid waiting for this flight.
38:24Yes, sir, but as you can see, the airport's in absolute chaos at the moment.
38:27Your wife was lucky to take off at all.
38:31Information, can I help you?
38:32The important thing is she landed safely.
38:46Yes, in Manchester.
38:48I mean, so much for my big surprise, eh?
38:50Tonight has cost me nearly 250 quids.
38:54I thought by now me and Cass would be, you know, sat in the honeymoon suite, sipping champagne and having a quick look at her holiday snaps.
39:02Do you know how much tonight has cost me?
39:05About 250 pounds.
39:07Nearly 250 pounds has cost me.
39:10Oh, dear.
39:11Michael, give us a non-alcoholic lager for the stud over there, will you?
39:16What's wrong with him tonight, Del?
39:18Looks like he's just come back from a funeral.
39:20Well, in a manner of speaking, Michael, he has...
39:23It's all rather personal and private, I don't want to say any more, but sufficient is it to say that Rodney thought he'd be enjoying the fruits of love this evening.
39:32Instead, he's enjoying a packet of pork scratches.
39:33Oh, can I have two large glasses of your finest cognac for Raquel and moi?
39:42Celebrating something, are we?
39:43Well, you could say that, you could say that, Michael.
39:44Even as we speak, I've got 500 smack-a-roonies winging the way to this public house, safely tucked up in Boise's inside pocket.
39:51Well, Boise's handing over 500 notes?
39:53What's happened?
39:54He had a whack on the head or something.
39:56Well, you could say that.
39:57It's wheels within wheels, Michael.
39:59Passer pour la tompe, as they say in Nice.
40:01There you go, my son, and keep the change, all right?
40:05Del, you're 40p short, mate.
40:07Oh, that's all right.
40:07Put it in the charity box, will you?
40:09All right.
40:10There you go, sweetheart.
40:10Oh!
40:12Go on, Rosie.
40:14God, such high hopes for tonight.
40:17Yeah, I thought you did, by the way you walked in.
40:20Owen, thank you for ordering that champagne, Bill.
40:23It's all right, bruv, it's all right.
40:25What's the best, I hope?
40:26Yes, 70 quid's worth.
40:27Well, there you are.
40:28That's it.
40:29Nothing but the best for a lady like Cassandra.
40:32Pity she's in Manchester, isn't it?
40:34Yes, it is.
40:35Stuart, you can talk to her tomorrow.
40:37She'll know you went out to the airport to meet her.
40:39Her dad will tell her.
40:40Oh, yeah.
40:41Yeah, I made the gesture, eh?
40:42That's what counts.
40:43Of course you did.
40:44You'll thank me for this, my son, later on.
40:46I bet you will.
40:47Cassandra's up north.
40:49Yeah, I know.
40:50Where do you know?
40:51She just phoned from Manchester Airport.
40:53Wanted you to know she's safe and not to worry.
40:56Where'd you say Rodney was?
40:57I said he was spending the night in some hotel.
41:01Did you say which hotel?
41:04I couldn't remember its name.
41:06So I got her with a phone number.
41:08But you told her I'd gone to meet her at the airport.
41:10Of course not.
41:11It was supposed to be a surprise.
41:13You, Gary, the old kid!
41:17She'll find a hotel to find out I've booked a honeymoon suite in the name of Mr. and Mrs. Trotter.
41:22And she'll think that Rodney's gone queso with some tart.
41:25God, dear.
41:27I don't know how you're going to chat your way out of this one, Rodney.
41:30If you hadn't suggested booking the hotel room, none of this would have happened.
41:34Wait a minute.
41:35Eh, it was your hormones on turbo, not mine.
41:38You should just wait a minute.
41:40Phone Alan.
41:40He's bound to speak to us soon, so he can explain.
41:43Yeah, right.
41:44Good idea.
41:44I'll go back to the flat and I'll phone you.
41:46No need.
41:46No need.
41:47You can use my mobile.
41:49Second thought.
41:49Better go back to the flat.
41:51You give me a lift back, Rodney.
41:52Hurry up.
41:53You coming?
41:54Me?
41:54No, no.
41:54I've got to wait here for me money.
41:56Oh.
41:57I'm talking to the devil.
41:57All right, Boisey, all right, Boisey.
42:03Don't hand the money over here in full view.
42:07I hear that intensive care isn't all that is cracked up to be.
42:10You're in no danger whatsoever, Del boy.
42:12I ain't handing you a penny.
42:15What are you talking about, Boisey?
42:17I got your satellite dish back for you, didn't I?
42:19Oh, no, you didn't, Del.
42:21At this very moment in time, my satellite dish is sitting in my back garden,
42:24picking up a very exciting episode of Wagon Train from Helsinki.
42:28You mean, you said it'd been nicked.
42:30Yes, that's what I thought.
42:31However, I discovered this evening that while Marlene and I were out for the day,
42:35the engineers took it away for a pair.
42:38Well, whose is that thing that I've got on my balcony?
42:40Oh, I don't know, Del.
42:42And to be perfectly honest, I couldn't give a monkey's toss.
42:52Is something wrong with this thing?
42:54Come on, Alan, answer.
42:55I can't find anyone called Bronco on your address book.
42:59It wouldn't make much difference if you did, because he moved a little while ago.
43:02There are a lot of women in here.
43:06Oh, yeah, they're business associates of mine.
43:08Why have you put stars by some of their names?
43:10I don't know, I can't remember now.
43:13It's a long time ago.
43:14Let me have a look, can I?
43:15Yeah, thanks.
43:19It's not him.
43:21He's probably gone to Manchester to pick up Cassandra.
43:23And she will tell him I've booked into a hotel with another woman,
43:26he will fire me, she will divorce me, and it's all your fault.
43:29And yours...
43:30Oh, shut up, you tart.
43:33I've got problems of me own.
43:34Yeah, so have I.
43:35I just cannot get a picture from your satellite dish.
43:38Will you stop messing about with that television?
43:40I've got to find out where Bronco lives
43:44to find out where he got that satellite dish from.
43:46I thought you said he gave you his card.
43:49He did, and I filed it behind Boyce's geraniums.
43:52Only that airport hadn't been in such a mess.
43:54And Cassandra's plane would have landed safely
43:57and everything would have been great.
43:59I bet you say my traffic control has gone on strike in France again.
44:02That's it.
44:04That's it, Rodney, that is it.
44:06That's where Bronco lives.
44:08France?
44:08No, no, it's Gatwick.
44:10A little bed and breakfast hotel in Gatwick.
44:13But you can't remember what it was called?
44:14No, no, no, no.
44:15All I remember was it was named after somebody famous.
44:18Oh, well, that narrows it down, doesn't it, then?
44:21Uh, Uncle, would you pop into my room
44:23and get my 37 volumes of famous historical characters, please?
44:27We'll soon have this one sorted out, they'll, eh?
44:29Don't you get sarky with me, Rodney.
44:32It was named after someone famous.
44:33A famous painter.
44:34That's what it was.
44:35There you are.
44:36All right, come on, Bamba.
44:37That's your start of a turn.
44:38Away you go.
44:39Go on.
44:39All right, famous painter.
44:41Michelangelo?
44:43No.
44:44Rembrandt?
44:45Picasso?
44:45No, no, no.
44:47Rubens?
44:47Van Gogh?
44:48No.
44:49Botticelli?
44:50No.
44:51Turner?
44:52No, no, it's famous French painter.
44:55Well, French?
44:55Why didn't you say it was French?
44:56Well, I just said so, didn't I?
44:57Bloody hell.
44:59Monet?
44:59No.
45:00Manet?
45:00No, she just said that.
45:02She said Monet.
45:03I know, that's what she just said.
45:05Pay attention, Rodney, will you?
45:07Adolf Hitler used to be a painter.
45:10I don't believe it.
45:11How long has he been French?
45:12And who in their right minds would call the hotel the Hotel Hitler?
45:15Famous French painter.
45:20Lautrec?
45:20No.
45:22Renoir?
45:23No, French.
45:25Degas?
45:26Bodin?
45:27Pissarro?
45:28Surat?
45:28Tissot?
45:30No.
45:31Schubert.
45:32Schubert?
45:35Schubert, you soppy old geats.
45:38That's it.
45:39He's got it.
45:40The Hotel Schubert.
45:42Schubert?
45:43Yes.
45:44Well done, Anc.
45:45There you are, you see.
45:46Look at you.
45:47Call these GCEs and it takes an old C-dog to come up with the answer.
45:51Schubert weren't French?
45:53No.
45:53No, and he weren't a painter.
45:55Well, he should have been.
45:57Look, here it is.
45:58Here it is.
45:58I've got it.
45:58Look, there it is.
45:59Schubert was a German composer.
46:02Austrian, actually.
46:03Oh, you mean you knew?
46:04Oi, Albert, how did you know about Schubert?
46:07Oi, Oi, Oi.
46:07What do you mind?
46:08Look, I'm trying to get on the blower, aren't I?
46:10Hello?
46:10Oh, good evening.
46:11Can I speak to Mr. Lane, please?
46:15Shall we just forget about the satellite dish?
46:16Watch the ordinary telly?
46:18Yeah, seven years, don't I?
46:19There might be some report about the ecological destruction of our planet.
46:24Anything to cheer me up?
46:26Ah, Bronco.
46:27Hello.
46:27How are you, son?
46:28Good boy.
46:30Oh, right, listen.
46:31Listen to me.
46:31Now, tell me something.
46:32I want to know.
46:34Where did you get that satellite dish from?
46:38Sorry?
46:39What are you apologising for?
46:42It's all right.
46:42All right, all right.
46:43Don't worry.
46:44All right.
46:44So you was desperate and you had a funny turn.
46:46You know, I can understand that.
46:48I've had Rodney living back with us.
46:50Yeah.
46:51You know what?
46:52You know what?
46:52Of course I know what it is.
46:54It's a satellite receiver dish, isn't it?
46:56Eh?
46:56What do you mean that's what you're for?
47:02Bronco, why are you crying?
47:05What is it then?
47:09Where did you get it from?
47:10Oh, my God.
47:15Oh, hell's bloody bells.
47:18So where did he get it from?
47:20He didn't say.
47:21Tell?
47:23What?
47:24Come and have a look.
47:25What?
47:26What is it?
47:27Turn it up.
47:27Turn it up.
47:29The radar transmitter dish, similar to the one shown here, was stolen from the end of
47:34Gatwick Airport's main runway during the early hours of yesterday morning.
47:39The theft brought Gatwick Airport to a complete standstill, which caused chaos throughout Europe
47:44and left thousands of returning holidaymakers stranded.
47:48Oh, the Prime Minister, I believe you.
47:50Who caused that?
47:53You've brought Europe, a whole continent, to a standstill.
48:02I didn't mean to.
48:06That's why Cassandra's playing at to land in Manchester.
48:09That's why she's stuck up there instead of being in my honeymoon bed.
48:13That is why my marriage is all but bloody over.
48:15No, it's bloody, you know.
48:18Haven't you ever made a mistake?
48:19I mean, you thought it was a statilite aerial dish and all, didn't you?
48:22Don't you include me in this.
48:23No, look, listen, look, I can't show it to you.
48:25Looks like one, doesn't it?
48:26Look, just come and have a...
48:28Look, there it is.
48:29Look, don't...
48:29All right, all right.
48:30Don't worry, look.
48:31I'll take it back first thing in the morning.
48:33And then I...
48:34We're dead now!
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