- 15 hours ago
Tv, Only Fools And Horses S07E05 - He Ain&Heavy, He& My Uncle.
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TVTranscript
00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:18Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But is the one which drives me bizarre
00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:33La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...
00:41Sorry, Cassandra, I'm a bit out of breath.
00:43I've just been doing me physical jerks.
00:46Oi. Gazza.
00:47Come here.
00:49Don't you tell her that Rodney's still in bed, sleeping off another hangover, will you?
00:53What would you take me for?
00:54Give me five minutes and I'll write out a list.
00:56all right cassandra yeah i'll tell rodney you called as soon as he gets up i don't believe you
01:04i mean it i mean in yeah tell cassandra i'll phone her later i've got to get this stuff in the
01:10freezer raquel says she'll call you later hey oh yeah she's all right she's fine i mean women
01:17like being pregnant don't they and how are you feeling hey good me i'm all right i just joined
01:25the over 60s club down on the estate give me a new lease of life it has hey yes i will be there
01:32but i'm not interested in all that no like a squirrel ain't interested in nuts i used to be
01:38a bit of a casnope in my younger days i could tell you a tale or two cassandra yeah during the war
01:45right there hey some of your front door is there oh well bye for now cassandra bye love
01:52mrs lane oh may i call you dora may i have the pleasure of this next dance thank you
02:01oh my god what time do you call this roddy i call this 11 30 aunt what time do you call it
02:15disgusting young man like you getting up half past 11 in the morning your brother was up and out of
02:21here seven o'clock and then he come back and took raki out shopping yeah well that's because dell has
02:26got a job to go to and money earning opportunities and he's got a woman in his life what have i got
02:32eh i've got no job to go to i've got my wife to say good morning to you might be a bit more chirpy if
02:40you didn't wake up with such a hangover i have not got i have not got i am fine there is nothing
02:48wrong with me cassandra found just what now you were you didn't tell her did you no she just wants
02:56your check towards a mortgage oh yeah well i'll sort that out
03:02oh morning oh good morning morning that reminds me sweetheart the video shop's got nightmare on elm street in
03:13i've just been talking to cassandra just wanted to know how i was yeah he didn't tell her did he
03:20no he said i was all right what do you mean he didn't tell her what's wrong are you all right sweetheart
03:25yeah yeah i'm okay a bit of backache that's all happens every time we go out in your van
03:32just not very comfortable especially in my condition i'm all right now no no listen to me sweetheart
03:38i'll tell you what look look you leave the shopping i will continue with the shopping you
03:43go in there and sit down go on go on listen order go on hi sir don't forget to deliver our birthday
03:49present no all right whose birthday is it it's uh boyce's little kid anyway you see that freewheel
03:55van wasn't designed for a pregnant woman with shopping i'll tell you you know she's getting bigger
04:01by the day she's already been banned from the body shop if i could just get that engine to run a bit
04:07smoother i'm sure that would help i told you they stopped making spares for that van years ago
04:12i've tried everywhere breakers yards spare shops archaeologists archaeologists
04:19listen to me roddy talking about archaeologists you look as though you've just been dug up from
04:25somewhere why don't you take a leap out your uncle's book hey look he's in there he's just
04:29joined the over 60s club he looks like a born again teddy boy you're not suggesting i join the
04:36over 60s club no they wouldn't have you you look too old there's been another mugging on the
04:42estate oh yeah uh you don't want to believe all you read though raquel a lot of that's exaggerated
04:48you know if i got my hands on them i'd string them up from the nearest lamppost i'm listen to
04:53will you it's nearly the 21st century he still wants to hang them up by the neck who said anything
04:57about hanging them up by the neck well i'd better not try anything on me i used to box for the
05:03navy will you sit down you soppy old sod on the floor in a minute
05:10thank you for calling voice autos and car accessories how can i help you
05:24it's you marlene yes i am going out to get tyler's birthday present in a minute
05:31marlene i'm trying to run a business here if you remember i sell quality used cars
05:36do you want me to take that old banger down the scrapyard yeah get me coat
05:44a baby grand well of course i wanted to be cultured but for god's sake marlene he's only two
05:52i don't give a toss what beethoven could do when he was three
05:55time i should start off in a smaller way yes yes all right marlene leave it to me i'll surprise you
06:03where can i get a mouth organ from
06:11thank you for calling voice autos and car accessories how come oh it's you dull boy how's
06:16your luck couldn't be better boys you couldn't be better business is so good there aren't enough
06:20hours in a day i'm thinking of taking on extra staff yeah taking on being the operative phrase
06:25yes roddy we're going to do something useful like go back to bed son anyway boys you listen uh
06:32we've got a birthday present for the ankle biter oh cheers doll uh yes we're gonna have a little
06:38celebration just a few dear and close friends i suppose you and your family could come along as
06:43well if you like thank you that's very nice of you boys see listen um do you reckon that you could
06:50get one of your mechanics to have a look at my van i know just the bloke he had a family bereavement
06:55recently he could do with a good laugh no sorry doll i just think it's about time you got yourself
07:04something more powerful like what i don't know a food mixer very funny boy see but that little van does
07:13everything that i need it to don't worry no no del keep the van for business i am talking about a
07:19second car now listen i've been hearing about all this crime that's been occurring on your estate
07:24don't you think it's going to be safer for your raquel to be driving rather than walking
07:29yeah walrus well that's the point boys she had never thought of that yes and i mean a man in your
07:35position i mean you need something that's going to reflect your image
07:39i've got a lovely skoda out in the showroom two years old eight thousand miles on the clock genuine
07:47you can have it for two and a half grand two and a half grounds a little bit out of my price range
07:52boys see what is your price range dal 400 quid 400 you can't get a walking frame for 400
08:02just a moment del your luck could be in i got a cracking little sports coupe came in as a
08:08part shop on a honda prelude beautiful body work sound engine really nice little runner just needs
08:13a bit of a clean up that's all now i was looking for a grand but seeing as how it's my son's birthday
08:19and you're a mate i'll let it go for 400. kushti i'll pop down and take a butcher's at it later then
08:26boys are you all right right cheers del all right right i'll walk down and scrap me these the keys
08:31there'll be a change of playing
08:44what do you think rodney i don't know she'll be patty in me hands
08:50hey rodney you'll never guess what i've only bought a new car
08:57how about i thought it was simon lebon
09:00what are you doing what are you dressed up like that for i'm playing the over 60s dominoes final
09:05down on the eggs head against old knock knock later so you got a new car yes a cracker
09:10raquel's just driven it back it's a beauty in it sweet eye
09:14yeah one cup of tea love yeah i need something albert so you're a two-car family now then
09:21eh well one car one three-wheel van which is one car and one three-wheel van more than you got or
09:27ever likely to have i wouldn't be so sure about that derrick about be a job in here for me somewhere
09:32you'll have to come up with a good excuse before you get a job son i mean how are you going to explain
09:36away them 10 years when you were del's partner albert's got a good point rodney in all of those 10 years
09:42you weren't registered for income tax national insurance or anything your work record shows
09:47you left school at 16 and promptly disappeared off the face of the earth i've already thought of
09:51that i'm going to say i was working for a foreign oil company in saudi arabia what straight from
09:56school one minute you're a milk monitor the next minute you're a petrochemist no sorry bruv
10:02that won't wash couldn't you say you've been on safari what for a decade i didn't say you got lost
10:08a friend of mine went out with a guy who spent 12 years working for a safari company in kenya
10:15nah it's stupid ruckiel well it's better than your paper rounding arabia cobblers isn't it
10:21you haven't thought of joining the navy rodney well funny enough hunk no can i join the navy
10:29exactly in the old days you should take anyone i mean let's face it they took you but nowadays you
10:36got to have a cotton of qualifications haven't you i mean what chance has lawrence of peckham got
10:40eh i don't mean the raw navy i'm talking about the merchant just think about rodney imagine monday you
10:49sail out southampton water tuesday you're through the bay of biscuit wednesday you're rounding cape
10:55st vincent thursday you're docking algiers friday it's your turn in the barrel
11:03there was nothing like that on any of my vessels
11:08a few funny ones but nothing like that
11:11well what do you reckon rodney yeah well if it's all the same to you hunk i think i'll take a rain
11:15check on this one i don't know what you're missing yeah well that suits me
11:20do i've been thinking try as independent traders has been going through a period of commercial
11:25augmentation ain't it now i've been doing all right rodney i was thinking that things must be
11:32getting pretty hectic for you on the old business front oh yeah oh straight rodney it's one power
11:36breakfast art or another it is yeah yeah i suppose it ain't all champagne and back gumming for you
11:42yuppies is it hey i know as you saying earlier you was thinking of taking on more staff so um
11:47well seeing as i'm temporarily between positions and uh if the conditions are acceptable
11:53i'm willing to work for you no way pedro
11:58look i've got all the no way pedro i don't need you rodders no i could be very useful to you during
12:05this period of the growth oh well well i'm a good salesman oh leave it out rodney you couldn't sell
12:12a black cat to a witch yeah but now now i've got managerial experience no i could computerize your
12:23entire business no i have got executive qualifications no well can you lend us a fiver then
12:36fiber didn't realize things were that bad rodney and you want to be my financial advisor
12:41it can be anything
12:47yeah well i'm desperate all right rodney i'll tell you what i will give you a job with trotters
12:52independent traders plc fine and what wage structure will i have wage structure i don't know
13:00be the same as before wouldn't it good so what was that then what was that it mean if i've got cash
13:08on the hip i'll pay you all right and what title will i have well we'll call you lord rodney
13:18i meant company title see i was thinking you could call me your director of commercial development
13:25yes yes all right no that sounds very good to me yeah all right then so as it says in the bible
13:32clothes make of the man so i want you to whip round your flat a bit lively what pick up my best soap
13:38no pick up your car cleaning gear what do you reckon
13:50how much do you reckon i paid boisey for it what he charged you
13:55i stole it off him rodders 400 dicker yeah it's a peach it handles like maradona
14:02oh del look at the paint work it's got no shine to it by the time i finished it look brand new
14:12oh uh rodney
14:16listen i've been uh i've been meaning to ask you something and look it's a little bit embarrassing
14:23so uh i ain't cleaning it you bloody well are oh no the days when i used to do all your dirty work
14:30are long gone i used to run my own computer section del i was an executive and now you're cleaning my
14:37capri gear you seem to forget rodney that you are my employee since you left cassandra and your job you've
14:46been eating and sleeping in my flat for nick's now if you want to hand in your resignation that is
14:51all right by me i'll help you find a little bed set i'll even give you a little leaving present a
14:57paraffin eater and a mousetrap all right i'll clean it are you quite sure about that yes thank you thank you
15:08very much i'm most grateful look at that lot over there looks like the technique tea folks day out
15:18doesn't it albert's looking very smart he must be after one of the ladies i wonder if it's old
15:25nil with the airy walk or is it the widow mankier with the disposable tea you should have more respect
15:32might those women went to a war for us yeah you can still see the bomb damage on some of them
15:39it'd be lovely if albert could meet some nice old lady to keep in company do you know who is after
15:46yeah your mum my mum yeah that's right him and his mate are after sorting her out look
15:52he he he he he he i'm not having this no but if your mum plays her cards right
15:58no i don't have one with you all right molly talk to you in a minute can i get you a drink dora
16:04you don't mind me call you a dora do you a dora of course i don't mind albert i just got dora a drink
16:12why'd you let knock knock get you a drink it was my turn you can buy me a drink in a minute
16:18yeah all right how'd a kid's birthday party go boys oh it was very successful thank you
16:23trigger all the right people were there and del and albert turned up thank you thank you now he's
16:30gone who's for another one then all right come around yeah mike yeah mike give me a minute them over
16:39by the jukebox the morons from outer space who are they i don't know del they've been using the pub for
16:45about two weeks now yeah i know i didn't think they were regulars like i say i don't know nothing
16:49about i think they're friends of the old mongrels down there yeah ollie ollie just a minute come here
16:55some will you yeah listen see that gang over there by the jukebox do you know anything about them
17:01they started coming in here about a fortnight ago they've been hanging around the estate like at night
17:07yeah cut the titles do you want me and the boys to beat them up no no no no wait i don't want no
17:13trouble in this club what you're drinking albert i'll have a a large navy rum beer puts net in your pencil
17:20oh there's a thing get on knock knock and drink will ya i'll have a pint of ordinary dear
17:30hey albert why do they call him knock knock because he's a very bad dominoes player
17:36and a bad player than you totter what you've never beaten me at dominoes in all your life
17:40i could beat you at anything even when i was at school i could beat you at anything
17:44oh come on boys calm down start acting like grown-ups i had a laugh to myself tonight now
17:52need your drink yeah why something happened yeah i was walking across the estate past the
17:58garage block it was all past seven at night pitch black and here was dave polishing an old banger
18:08oh my god i've forgotten all about my director of commercial management
18:14night yeah well i've forgotten he worked for me what's old albert and knock knock playing at
18:20i don't know looks like ninja dominoes what are you drinking boisey give him a large navy run
18:30look at my clothes well i told you to wear your car cleaning gear didn't i hey look a director of
18:36commercial development does not wear stonewashed wranglers and doc martins he does when he's cleaning
18:41the governor's capri gear and i've got swore figure in my eye your finger's bleeding rodney
18:47yes that's where my hand went straight through the bodywork look at that bleeding see that's blood
18:53you got him blasters mine yeah give him a what do you mean your hand went straight through the bodywork
18:57it was a big rust hole in the wing voices blokes had filled it full of newspaper and filler then sprayed
19:03over it that is slanderous rodney that must have happened before i took possession of the vehicle
19:08they were yesterday's newspaper were they really now you took that car a scene del i don't owe you no
19:18favors and that's a bit unfair boy see what about that 36 piece tea service he sold marley last month oh
19:24yeah that came in very handy i gave it to the boy scouts fight for their rifle range but that was genuine
19:28dresden yeah genuine antique dresden and it was guaranteed dishwasher proof
19:38i don't believe him sometimes i don't know how you can ask me with my executive qualifications
19:44to go around the garage block and clean the pragmobile don't you let del here you call it that yeah and what
19:50about that very important client i had come over from belgium i wanted two tickets for wimbledon so i could
19:55impress him you said leave it to me boy see i've got a contact at wimbledon well i got you two tickets
20:00didn't i that's right they drew nil nil with ipswich that makes us even no way pedro
20:09i'll see you later gilroy i'm going in would you like dora how about a large snowball oh lovely
20:16hey mike large snowball for dora oh ah that's better all right sweetheart yeah i'm fine now oh cushy
20:32oh i'll pick up me capri gear in the morning and i'll get me director of commercial development
20:37to drive the van back del i don't want to nag good i'll put a record on can we afford to splash
20:45out 400 pounds on another car i mean do we really need another car yes we do you see the reason why
20:52i thought just because the van gives me back eight was no reason for you to buy another car
20:56no i know but if you listen you see there is a very waste of money you do realize you've got a baby
21:01on the way don't you yes yes i do little things do remind me you just shut up and listen for a
21:05minute i'll explain because it's a very dangerous world out there rachel and i don't want you walking
21:11down to the shops or the laundry i want you to drive that way you'll be safe and sound now do you
21:16understand what i'm saying is that why you bought it yes oh aren't you lovely yes
21:23yes well you're only human aren't you
21:40fancy a cup of tea
21:44del it's elbert what about elbert there's no need to panic all right what's happened to elbert he's
21:50been mugged he's been what's he hurt oh i don't know but he has got double vision where's this
21:55happen rodney in his eyes oh no no sorry yeah as he was walking home from the pub i was just coming
22:03back from jevons i saw this ambulance here this big crowd of people around did he recognize anyone no
22:08all he knows is there was four of them well look they got him down the hospital come on let's go all
22:12all right all right you stay there it's all right you don't worry listen we'll sort it out all right
22:20dick stick rodney he's just going to put some clothes on and then we'll go
22:31i said he might be suffering from shock for a few days yeah you just wait till i get my hands on
22:36the bastards what did it then you'll see what a state of shock really looks like now you stay out of it
22:40the police can handle this perfectly well on their own no i don't need the old bill
22:46people in this area are used to sorting their own problems out it's traditional you know i remember
22:51once when i was well about 10 years old mum had some of her jewelry nicked by this good-looking
22:56italian bloke well he wasn't good looking after my dad had finished with him well how could he be
23:02certain he was guilty because of the evidence rod the evidence dad found one of mum's earrings on the
23:07back seat of this bloke's car oh it's all right all right all right just the door stay there stay
23:17it's all right calm down calm down hi oh hi just came around to see how albert was yeah well he's uh
23:30uh he's not too good at the moment well come in hi hello hello cassandra i heard what happened
23:39to albert how is he well he looks bloody horrible doesn't he well they stole his watch his wallet
23:44everything i know how are you feeling albert i'm a bit bruised dear i was jumped on by five of them
23:51yes all right well you just keep five of them i thought it was never mind never mind oh
23:59rodney uh why don't you make cassandra a nice cup of coffee hmm in the kitchen
24:04i'm in the kitchen and you oh yeah should i make a cup of coffee
24:18so you're working for dell again yeah yeah yeah it wasn't an easy decision i've had loads of offers
24:36from local companies well you know what these headhunters are like well no not really dell's asked
24:42me to be his director of commercial development you know seek out new openings find gaps in the market
24:48and if a gap doesn't exist create one yeah yeah that sort of thing yeah so i thought well that'll do me
24:54lovely jubbly i tell you it is pressure all the way i am never off that phone oh you cut your finger
25:02eh yeah dell got me to clean his car yesterday in there yeah what i just did it as a favour you know
25:09i don't know if you've noticed his new car parked downstairs the green pratt mobile
25:14does he know you call it that no i don't think he'd be too pleased
25:21so things are going well yeah yeah yeah we're into property development now theater toilet rolls
25:30yeah well that's just the direct retail sales branch of the company you know we've got a contact in the
25:34city what the white city there's no need to laugh at us i'm not laughing at you rodney i'm just trying
25:44to break the ice so how's our flat much the same as when you left it wish i could say the same about
25:52you and what's that mean you've changed you're getting more like dell you're full of front and
26:00bullshit roddy look you're even wearing the same clothes as dell these suits happen to be a new line
26:06we're selling that's all these are romanian you're just wearing to let the punters know what they look
26:13like do you think that's wise we do know our market cassandra and i'm not getting like dell
26:20you are rodney look you're even wearing a dell boy starter kit they all told me to wear this because
26:27with look i understand one thing cass i'm not getting like dell no way pedro
26:38look i am very busy cassandra yeah well i'll see you rodney no i didn't mean it like that goodbye look
26:46i'll give you a bell during it's all right all right it's only me i was just putting the security
26:57chain on no one can get in you're safe now you all right yeah i'm all right son what are you doing
27:03then i'm just looking in my old box see that okay that's where i was born tobacco road oh yeah down
27:12by the docks yeah that's right look that's where he was born sweetheart look see that there that's
27:17the front of tobacco road there there's your nan there's your granddad he just joined the army
27:23doing his bit for killing country oh yeah why has he got a vest and plimp soles on oh he just deserted
27:32albert tomorrow would you like us to take you back to where you were born
27:35uh i ain't there anymore dear i knocked it down oh that film you want to see is coming on in a
27:44minute oh thanks hey what film is that then out of africa oh not another documentary about aids is it
27:50no it's a film with robert redford you don't ever tell you about tom holes in africa yeah thousands of
27:56times no why what happened albert oh well and during the war during the war i was on this hospital
28:04ship we just picked up some of the wounded from monty's north african campaign we dropped them off
28:10in durban yeah i helped some of the lads off the ship tragic to see some of them bloody tragic
28:18i cried for them after they no there's nothing to be ashamed of i cried when my mum died yeah but
28:28you were only 16 i was a full grown man yeah well i shed a tear or two didn't i when rodney got married
28:34and left home cried even more when he came back most frightening thing in all my life happened while
28:42i was in africa we docked in durban and a couple of black blokes came out of us
28:47nice because me and my mates wanted to go and see the jungle we jumped at a chance well you like
28:52that when you're young ain't you yeah well we've all done it haven't we yeah so we got up on this
28:57open lorry and went off and after about two hours the undergo got thicker and thicker deep in the
29:04heart of the jungle anyway somehow or another i've got cut off from the rest of the party i found
29:10myself in this clearing i just started to retrace my steps when i heard a noise i looked around and
29:19standing there was the biggest lion i've ever seen oh well you need all that don't you i looked at him
29:28he looked at me we just stood there looking at each other when suddenly he went
29:36i did a very childish thing i wet myself
29:53poor grown man i wet myself it's all right all right honk nothing to be ashamed of
30:04any bloke would have done the same thing coming face to face with a man eating lion
30:09i don't mean when i was in the jungle i meant now when i went
30:21i don't believe it
30:30oh long
30:32i've got them yes go on you've got a change of clothes in the airing cupboard
30:36all right yeah how's elbert well he's not his old self
30:42oh good we mean good
30:44it's just a joke bloody well hope it was and all yeah all right we'll keep you there
30:50no no no
30:51what oh nothing nothing no sorry no
31:10so he's no better then no no he hasn't been out for ages
31:15the doctor said he should try to get back to a normal life you know yeah that's right i was there
31:21you know i reckon the
31:25i reckon the problem is right you're being very kind and considerate ain't you i mean you're being
31:30patient understanding oh yeah well that's not normal is it what do you want a doughboy around
31:38year old rodney ah now you see that's normal do you see what i'm getting at what is flat right it's
31:43all hurly burly people shouting and arguing at each other innit i mean we don't mean any harm
31:48it's just the way we are but now we're treating elbert with kick gloves now if it goes on much longer
31:54he'll start using that as the norm and then when we go back to the real normality he'll go back
31:59into shock again so you reckon we ought to toughen up on him well i mean gently gently approach ain't
32:04worked does it i can't be hard on him rodney well i mean nor can i but
32:12we'd be doing it for him wouldn't we otherwise del believe me he's gonna take root in this flat
32:18yeah maybe oh here you are no no no no son i'll sit over there all right if i have a band you do
32:30yeah it's all right i'll get you no no no no it's all right you know where it is go on help yourself
32:36yeah well we have got a very very busy day ahead of us tomorrow though oh yes yes yes we have
32:44haven't we rodney that's right yeah so we won't have any time to go down the package and get any
32:47shopping will we no and we can't expect raquel to do it can we not in her condition no we certainly
32:52can't so no what are we gonna do then hey well we'll have to send albert down to the shops albert
33:02you'll have to go down to the shops i can't go out there yes you can i don't feel really up to it yet
33:09wait you go down there and get them fish fingers
33:12you listen to me roddy and i are very busy at the moment because trotters independent traders are
33:19going through a phase of commercial augmentation right and what with raquel dropping her chavvy
33:29i mean we don't want any lame ducks right because you're getting under our feet you understand what
33:34i'm talking about so you better get up and get out because you're no good to us the way you are all right
33:38yeah yeah i understand that
33:51i understand good night boys
33:55that was a bit hard wasn't it
34:07a bit hard you just told me they should toughen up on him just saying you know he's a bit tougher than i
34:12expected
34:17comfortable in that chair
34:33just take this into uncle albert and then i'll do your muesli oh lovely jubbly
34:38oh look all these other ones say the same thing albert trotter lost at sea
34:46he's gone gone where's he gone well he's not there he's left a note
34:50i won't get under your feet any longer your loving uncle albert
34:58that's because of what you said last night because of what i said i didn't want to say anything until
35:03you told me don't you blame me derrick i was only trying to get him out of his flat and back on
35:07his feet i am not blaming anyone stop arguing go and find him well where's he gone i don't know go
35:13and look oh she's right come on let's go um i'll take the van you take the pragmobile yes
35:18what do you mean
35:31we're so sorry uncle albert
35:38but there's no one left at home and i believe i'm gonna rain
36:06oh
36:22we're so sorry but we had nothing all day we're so sorry uncle albert
36:34oh
36:51hello no rodney no no luck at this then how about you
36:56we're so sorry
37:06we're so sorry
37:10oh
37:20oh
37:22oh
37:24oh
37:32oh
37:34oh
37:44oh
37:46oh
37:48oh
37:50oh
37:52oh
37:54oh
37:56oh
38:06oh
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38:56oh
38:58oh
39:00oh
39:02oh
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39:18oh
39:20oh
39:22oh
39:24oh
39:26oh
39:28oh
39:30oh
39:32i didn't realize things had changed so much i
39:34when i first left home i was about fifteen i
39:38just come down here and got a job on a tramp steamer
39:42life
39:44life seemed easier then
39:46well
39:48things ain't all that much different now but
39:52you can always come home
39:54to your family
39:56thanks son
39:58come on then let's go
40:00you know
40:02once upon a time ships from all over the world used to sail in here
40:06here
40:08the water used to be covered with a film of oil
40:10and when the sun shone on it
40:12it sparkled
40:14of all different colors
40:16when i was a kid i used to think rainbows lived in the water
40:22oh
40:24so you was a bit of a divvy in them days and all were you
40:28oh
40:30oh
40:32sorry
40:34nudging freighters into position
40:36cranes
40:38lifting out timber from canada
40:40bananas from jamaica
40:42the pubs and the cafes
40:44they were filled with
40:46with sailors from a hundred countries
40:48oh
40:50right at the time i was seven
40:52i could swear in ten different languages
40:54there used to be streets all around here
40:56loads of
40:58two up and two down houses
41:00doctor's mansions they called them
41:02yeah
41:04ragamuffins kicking footballs up against the wall
41:06women used to come out and chase us away with their brooms
41:10yeah
41:12yeah
41:14they were rough people
41:16they were good people
41:18during the blitz
41:20some of them
41:22painted a sign on the roof of a warehouse
41:24so that the
41:26luftwaffe pilots could see it
41:28it said
41:30dear adolph
41:32you can break hard windows
41:34but not our hearts
41:38you've got what i've done to it now
41:44yeah
41:48it's terrific innit
41:50terrific
41:52yeah
41:54i mean do you know how much some of these drums are worth rodney
41:56i'll tell you how much they're worth
41:58they're worth an arm and a leg
42:00you know lord lindley's got one of these
42:02and michael cain
42:04oh yeah
42:06makes you proud to be british
42:08doesn't it
42:10i could do with a bit of this
42:12no i could see myself with a nice little black porsche parked outside
42:16with the old windsurfer strapped to the roof rack
42:20and have a few friends down you know from the city
42:24and we'll have a private party in the pub yonder
42:26pop a few glasses of the old moet
42:30because i'm a champagne and liver sausage sandwich man
42:34then we'll watch the old currant bun go down
42:38behind the docklands arena
42:40oh yeah
42:42paradise
42:44and after a few years when the old property prices start to rocket
42:48we'll knock it out of some rich arab for twice the purchase price
42:54lovely jubbly
42:58you all right albert
43:02i'm all right love
43:04you didn't have to go running off like that
43:06del didn't mean anything
43:08i know he explained it to me
43:10i
43:12it's just that i felt
43:14felt like a failure
43:16there was nothing i could do
43:18there was six of them
43:20i know
43:22albert nobody thinks you're
43:24six of them
43:26six of them
43:28all right
43:30where's rodney
43:32i went out for a drink again
43:34well that explains it
43:36i met a couple of winos this afternoon
43:38drunk as newt they were
43:40said they were celebrating st rodney's day
43:42i hope he hasn't gone to the nag's head
43:44why what's happening down there tonight
43:46it's nothing i just hope he hasn't gone down to the nag's head
43:56is that the bell dell
43:58yes
44:00no you get it will you i'm busy
44:02raquel
44:04no raquel can't go she's busy and all
44:06you answer it
44:07me
44:08mmm
44:09you
44:10come on there's nothing to be afraid of is there i'm here aren't i
44:12you're gonna have to answer the door sometime or another it might as well be now
44:18albert answer the door
44:20who's there
44:26knock knock
44:34it's knock knock
44:36oh is it
44:38i can't see him dell
44:40of course you can't see him you haven't opened the door yet
44:42i don't want to see him i can't face it dell
44:44all right
44:46all right look i'll go i'll go
44:48no
44:50you can talk to knock knock albert he's your friend
44:52i don't want to talk to him not at the moment
44:54but he's most probably come to see how you are
44:56i might even have bought you a bunch of grapes
44:58no i'm not feeling all that well
45:00i think i'll go out of my room
45:04oi
45:06you stay right where you are
45:10yes that was knock knock
45:12and look
45:14he brought this back for you that was a bit of luck wasn't it
45:16that's your pocket watch albert
45:18hmm
45:20where's he get it from
45:22he found it under the bushes on that patch of grass near the swings
45:24what where albert was mugged last week
45:26no where albert and knock knock
45:28whilst walking home from the pub last week
45:30had a fight
45:32he had a fight
45:34yes over marlene's mum
45:36and knock knock knocked him out
45:40you never were mugged were you you lying old git
45:44what about his money that went missing
45:46well he lost it all didn't he
45:48at domino's to knock knock
45:50oh albert
45:52i didn't know what to say
45:54i felt silly losing to a man
45:56three years older than myself
45:58he kept saying he was bettering me at everything
46:00so i i squared up to him
46:02and he hit me
46:04you realize the problems that you put us to
46:07i mean the police have been out there making investigations
46:10i've been running around looking for five muggers
46:12six six
46:14oh it's six now is it any more offers
46:16i was embarrassed
46:18once i said it i couldn't go back
46:20oh del you should have been down and that's it
46:24there was a punch up to end all punch ups
46:27well what happened then
46:28well that gang of skinheads was in there right
46:30the ones that del said had mugged albert
46:32anyway you know oily ollie the greaser right
46:34his gangs come in they've only attacked the skinheads
46:37god there was blood up the wall there was grease on the ceiling
46:40ollie and his boys took a right hammer in
46:42well it turns out them skinheads ain't skinheads at all
46:45they're coppers
46:46they're what
46:48they're what
46:49they're undercover policemen
46:50they was put on the estate a couple of weeks back when the mugging started
46:53oh no oh my god
46:57what's that del
46:59well anyone anyone would have done the same thing wouldn't they eh eh
47:03you didn't have anything to do with this did you
47:07well i wanted to get revenge for that dozy old twonk
47:10so i sort of
47:13i gave ollie a hundred quid to sort it out
47:16oh for god's sake
47:18this baby will be born premature if i hang around you much longer
47:21yeah well be fair sweetheart they look like muggers didn't they
47:25well when oliver and his army get out of hospital i've got a fair idea where their first port of calls gonna be
47:31yeah me too
47:33well they better not try anything when we around i was raw navy boxing champion
47:38i'm gonna kill him i am i'm gonna kill him now
47:40one of them
47:41no no no no no no no no no
47:55cats
48:00No income tax, no VAT
48:05No money back, no guarantee
48:09Black or white, rich or broke
48:12We'll cut prices and a straw
48:15God bless Hooky Street
48:19Viva Hooky Street
48:23Long live Hooky Street
48:25Same and defeat, Hooky Street
48:29Magnifique Hooky Street
48:32Hooky Street
48:35Hooky Street
48:38Hooky Street
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