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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S09E01 2001 - If They Could See Us Now.
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00:00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:00:30Why do only fools and horses work?
00:00:33La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la...
00:00:44What's up with you, Rodney?
00:00:46I'm a bit nervous, that's all.
00:00:48I mean, this bloke we're going to see, this Justin,
00:00:51he's not going to be asking me anything about my private life, that sort of thing, is he?
00:00:55Of course he ain't.
00:00:57Well, not that private.
00:00:59He's not going to want to know about you and Cassandra's little problems.
00:01:03No, no, good.
00:01:05Because otherwise I would...
00:01:07What problems?
00:01:08Me and Cassandra haven't got any problems.
00:01:10That's not what you said to me the other night.
00:01:14All right, so there's been one or two minor hiccups in a bedroom department,
00:01:19but they're personal and I told you, in confidence.
00:01:22All right.
00:01:24I'm not going to be telling him about your thongs and things.
00:01:29And I won't tell him what Cassandra wears, either.
00:01:34Sorry to keep you waiting.
00:01:35It's been a particularly busy morning.
00:01:37Now, I've got all the basic details about your business career, etc.,
00:01:42but what I'd like to do is to get an insight into the real you.
00:01:45How you started, how you became so successful,
00:01:47but more importantly, your lives and your...
00:01:51Raison d'être.
00:01:53Well, you know, laboratory Garni.
00:01:58So, um, in your own words and in your own time.
00:02:08Well, where shall I start, Justin?
00:02:10Well, up to a few years ago,
00:02:15we were just very ordinary people living, well, very ordinary lives.
00:02:21Weren't you, Rondy?
00:02:22And then, as you know,
00:02:43one day I discovered an historic and almost priceless artefact.
00:02:48Anyway, at first, we didn't know what to do with it.
00:02:51That's right.
00:02:52To begin with, we thought about donating it to the British Museum as a national treasure.
00:02:56Yeah.
00:02:57And then we decided to flog it.
00:02:58So, before you know,
00:03:01Rodders and me have come in nigh on six and a half million quid.
00:03:08Well, after we'd divvied the dosh up, right,
00:03:11you know, we're making sure that our Uncle Alba got a nice little drink.
00:03:16But we thought of others first.
00:03:20We donated to charity.
00:03:23Anonymously, of course.
00:03:24So, eventually, we had to start thinking about our future.
00:03:36So, we sought out this city stockbroker,
00:03:40and he advised us to invest in a new and vibrant venture.
00:03:45It was a Central American market.
00:03:47It was attracting massive funds from all over the world.
00:03:50We were making more money than a royal mint.
00:03:52But we weren't flash.
00:03:54Oh, no, no, no, we weren't flash.
00:03:59I mean, even when we went away on business,
00:04:01we always took the family with us.
00:04:04There would be me and Raquel,
00:04:06my significant other,
00:04:07and, of course,
00:04:09Rodney, Cassandra.
00:04:11Cheers.
00:04:14And not forgetting
00:04:16my young son, Damien.
00:04:19He's a man, isn't he, eh?
00:04:21She's into superstitions
00:04:29Black cats and voodoo dolls
00:04:32I feel a premonition
00:04:34That girl's gonna make me fall
00:04:37She's into sensation
00:04:45She's got new addictions
00:04:50For every day and night
00:04:53Oh, Mr. Trotter.
00:05:00It's good to see you again.
00:05:03Bonnet de douche, Dominique.
00:05:05Bonnet de douche.
00:05:06Del, you've got to have a word with Damien.
00:05:11People are complaining.
00:05:13Oh, no.
00:05:14What's he done now?
00:05:15He's just weed in the swimming pool.
00:05:17I'll keep it out, Cassandra.
00:05:19All little boys do a joddy cash
00:05:21in a swimming pool, don't they?
00:05:22Yes.
00:05:23But not from the top
00:05:24of the four-metre diving board.
00:05:26It's a little git.
00:05:33LAUGHTER
00:05:34This is the bizzo, isn't it, eh, Rudders?
00:05:53It's not too bad, is it?
00:05:55Well, hold on, Uncle Albert.
00:05:56He'd love it here, wouldn't he, eh?
00:05:57Yeah.
00:05:58My dear, you bet your life
00:05:59he's been here before, eh?
00:06:00Oh, no.
00:06:02Still, he's happy down there
00:06:03on the coast, isn't he?
00:06:04Right next door to the sea.
00:06:06And he's living in sin
00:06:08with old Elsie Partridge,
00:06:09his, um, girlfriend.
00:06:12His girlfriend?
00:06:13Do me a favour.
00:06:15I heard that she was the one
00:06:16that cut the ribbon
00:06:17on the opening of Stonehenge.
00:06:18LAUGHTER
00:06:19Yeah, well, at least we haven't got
00:06:22a zipper in a battle
00:06:22of the Baltic every night, eh?
00:06:24Right.
00:06:24During the war.
00:06:25Yeah, right.
00:06:27During the war.
00:06:28LAUGHTER
00:06:28LAUGHTER
00:06:28Hey, come on, Rudders,
00:06:31I feel lucky tonight.
00:06:33I don't, I can't, mate.
00:06:35What?
00:06:37I promised Cassandra.
00:06:39No gambling, no discos,
00:06:41no talking to women
00:06:42and no boozing.
00:06:44Yeah, but what she meant
00:06:46was not to excess.
00:06:48LAUGHTER
00:06:49You're not on probation, are you?
00:06:50LAUGHTER
00:06:51LAUGHTER
00:06:52Come on, I'll treat us
00:06:53to a few bottles of champagne
00:06:55just to get us started.
00:06:56He-he!
00:06:57During the war,
00:06:59during the war,
00:07:00I was aboard this battle cruiser.
00:07:03And then,
00:07:05just as everything
00:07:06seemed to be going so well...
00:07:08LAUGHTER
00:07:09And the skin's a colour of mocha
00:07:12She will wear your eyes
00:07:15Something...
00:07:16Something terrible happened.
00:07:21It turned out that negotiations
00:07:37between the Central American countries
00:07:39had collapsed.
00:07:39Yeah, it was wiped out.
00:07:42Nick the coin.
00:07:44We'd even paid for the hotel
00:07:45on a credit card,
00:07:47a credit card which had now been withdrawn.
00:07:49But Derek is, if nothing else,
00:07:52a very creative businessman
00:07:54and he came up with a solution
00:07:56to our dilemma.
00:07:56LAUGHTER
00:07:58LAUGHTER
00:07:59LAUGHTER
00:08:01Right, it's time to go.
00:08:16Do you care to follow me, gentlemen?
00:08:20LAUGHTER
00:08:21How long did it take for the news
00:08:31to hit the UK?
00:08:32About as long as it took for someone
00:08:34to push a button on the internet.
00:08:36Suddenly, all our so-called
00:08:37business associates
00:08:39wouldn't return our calls.
00:08:40We were cast in the financial wilderness.
00:08:42Yeah, but fortunately,
00:08:44we come from a strong community
00:08:45and when all our old friends
00:08:47from Beckham, Earth and Youth,
00:08:49well, they was as gutted as us.
00:08:51Hmm.
00:08:51LAUGHTER
00:08:52LAUGHTER
00:08:53LAUGHTER
00:08:54LAUGHTER
00:08:55LAUGHTER
00:08:57LAUGHTER
00:08:59LAUGHTER
00:09:00LAUGHTER
00:09:01There's a name that crops up
00:09:03every now and then.
00:09:04Um...
00:09:05Michael Fisher, landlord of a public house,
00:09:08the nags head, Peckham.
00:09:10Uh, what part did he play in the proceedings?
00:09:13Well, Mike invested his life savings
00:09:15in our venture.
00:09:16He actually remortgaged the pub.
00:09:18Hmm.
00:09:18I see.
00:09:19And will Mr Fisher be giving evidence?
00:09:21Uh, no, he's in prison.
00:09:22LAUGHTER
00:09:23He's awaiting trial.
00:09:25The fraud squad claims
00:09:28that he tried to recoup his losses
00:09:30by embezzling the brewery.
00:09:32Well, never was a man more innocent.
00:09:36I take it Mr Fisher will be pleading not guilty?
00:09:38Uh, no, he confessed to everything.
00:09:41LAUGHTER
00:09:42LAUGHTER
00:09:43For God's sake, Denzel, sit down.
00:09:55You're wearing the marble out.
00:09:56I can't help it, can I?
00:09:57I've never been a character witness before.
00:09:59And you think we have?
00:10:01I'm worried.
00:10:02I think Del's made a terrible mistake.
00:10:04Well, of course he's made a terrible mistake.
00:10:08That's why he's in court.
00:10:10No, I mean having you four as character witnesses.
00:10:13It's like inviting the Manson family to dinner.
00:10:16LAUGHTER
00:10:17Well, we saw Del and Rodney earlier.
00:10:19They seemed quietly confident.
00:10:21They were arranged to meet Raquel and Cassandra
00:10:23for a celebration lunch,
00:10:25so I'd avoid Pizza Hut if I were you.
00:10:27LAUGHTER
00:10:27Del was not confident.
00:10:32He was deeply worried.
00:10:33I mean, he didn't even touch me up.
00:10:38Well, I'm the one with the most to worry about.
00:10:40Why?
00:10:41Cos I'm managing the nag's head until Mike is released.
00:10:45But how exactly do I know what he got up to?
00:10:47Yeah, I mean, how does Sid know
00:10:50Mike didn't post-date his fiddles,
00:10:51so the police will think they're Sid's fiddles?
00:10:53There's nothing to be nervous about, Denzel.
00:10:55All you've got to do is go in there and tell the truth.
00:10:58Trick.
00:10:59If I go in there and tell the truth,
00:11:00Del and Rodney are going to be spending the next five years
00:11:03sharpening Geoffrey Archer's pencils.
00:11:05LAUGHTER
00:11:06What are you going to do in there, Trick?
00:11:09I'm going to tell them I hear voices.
00:11:11LAUGHTER
00:11:12You're not going to try.
00:11:14You're a character witness.
00:11:16I know.
00:11:17But I hear voices.
00:11:19LAUGHTER
00:11:20Oh, God.
00:11:21It's going to be one of them days.
00:11:24LAUGHTER
00:11:24I noticed that your respective properties were company-owned,
00:11:28so you both lost your homes.
00:11:30Yes.
00:11:31I had a lovely little place right on the river.
00:11:33Yeah, well, I had an estate, didn't I,
00:11:35with peacocks and everything.
00:11:38Anyway, at least we weren't homeless.
00:11:41Due to my foresight,
00:11:43some years previously,
00:11:44I had bought another property.
00:11:46So, at least we had somewhere to live.
00:11:48Yeah.
00:11:49It's called our old flat, Nilsson Mandela House.
00:11:51LAUGHTER
00:11:52It just goes to show you how our fortunes altered.
00:11:56I mean, suddenly, everything had changed.
00:11:58Yeah.
00:11:59All our good luck turned to bad.
00:12:01Every day, there was more rails,
00:12:03there was more bad news.
00:12:05We thought things couldn't possibly get worse.
00:12:09Oh, boy, how wrong we were.
00:12:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:12:12Good evening, and welcome to the quiz show
00:12:23that everyone is talking about.
00:12:24This is the fastest game show on TV.
00:12:26This is Monday, this is live,
00:12:28this is Jonathan Ross,
00:12:29and this is...
00:12:29Gold Rush!
00:12:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:12:32It's no good looking at me
00:12:38with that Anne Robinson face.
00:12:41I'll look at you any way I like.
00:12:44I hope.
00:12:46LAUGHTER
00:12:46Well, at least I am trying to do something about it.
00:12:49And what exactly are you doing?
00:12:51I'm after a stockbroker.
00:12:52You've already got a stockbroker.
00:12:54That is the one I'm after.
00:12:56LAUGHTER
00:12:57Why didn't he tell me
00:12:58that the stock market was going to crash?
00:13:00He phoned you at least six times.
00:13:02Phoned you on the Monday
00:13:03and said he had to speak to you urgently,
00:13:05but you were too busy to speak to him.
00:13:07Well, I was water skiing.
00:13:09You just wasted our bloody birthright.
00:13:11And then,
00:13:12Trotter's independent traders
00:13:13hired a helicopter to fly to Nice
00:13:15to collect some magazines.
00:13:16Oh, unbelievable!
00:13:19That was you!
00:13:21LAUGHTER
00:13:21Oh, yeah.
00:13:24Well, I'm a big man.
00:13:26I've got broad shoulders.
00:13:27The buck stops here.
00:13:28I take full responsibility.
00:13:31Even though it was Rodney's fault.
00:13:33No!
00:13:34How the hell was it my fault?
00:13:36You were the company's
00:13:37director of administration.
00:13:39That just meant
00:13:40Rodney organised the Christmas parties.
00:13:42Yeah, and they were about as exciting
00:13:43as a Buddhist ten night.
00:13:45LAUGHTER
00:13:46You were the managing director,
00:13:49you were the chairman,
00:13:50you were the chief executive,
00:13:51and you were the president.
00:13:53Oh, it's my fault now, is it?
00:13:55Either you or this is
00:13:56the Chinese year of the dodo.
00:13:57LAUGHTER
00:13:57Wait a minute!
00:14:00You can't lay all the blame
00:14:01at Derek's door.
00:14:03Hmm.
00:14:03I know it's tempting.
00:14:05So why is it
00:14:06whenever we've got
00:14:07something good going,
00:14:08anything that remotely
00:14:09resembles a future,
00:14:11he norses it up?
00:14:12That's just the way he is.
00:14:15LAUGHTER
00:14:16And it's unfair of you
00:14:19to blame Rodney
00:14:20for all of this.
00:14:21After all,
00:14:21he is your brother.
00:14:23Yes.
00:14:23And just like a brother,
00:14:24he's let me down
00:14:25all his life.
00:14:27LAUGHTER
00:14:27Oh, is that right?
00:14:30Well, if I've always been
00:14:31such a letdown,
00:14:32why did you insist
00:14:33on having me around?
00:14:34To keep my promise to Mum.
00:14:37And you never know
00:14:38when you might need
00:14:39some bone marrow.
00:14:41LAUGHTER
00:14:42Cassandra, answer that phone,
00:14:47will you please?
00:14:47Yes, sir.
00:14:48Straight away, sir.
00:14:49Don't worry.
00:14:50This time next year,
00:14:51we're going to be millionaires.
00:14:52This time last week,
00:14:54we're a millionaires!
00:14:55LAUGHTER
00:14:55I'm sorry,
00:14:57I can't hear you very well.
00:14:59Well, go in the kitchen then!
00:15:00LAUGHTER
00:15:01Don't worry, don't worry.
00:15:02Look, I've worked it all out.
00:15:03I'm serious.
00:15:05I've worked out a way
00:15:06in which we can make
00:15:06£100,000.
00:15:09Now, invest that wisely.
00:15:10Invest that wisely.
00:15:12Invest it wisely.
00:15:13And before you know
00:15:14where you are,
00:15:15you and I can buy
00:15:15a nice little gaff each.
00:15:17All right.
00:15:18Huh?
00:15:18Go on then.
00:15:20What's the plan?
00:15:21Well, I wasn't going to say
00:15:22nothing like, you know,
00:15:23but, well, OK.
00:15:24You ready?
00:15:26I'm going to apply
00:15:27to go on that new game show,
00:15:29The Gold Rush.
00:15:31LAUGHTER
00:15:31LAUGHTER
00:15:32Did I say something
00:15:36in music?
00:15:37Derek, last night
00:15:39one of the questions was
00:15:40who introduced
00:15:41the potato to England?
00:15:42And you said
00:15:43King Edward.
00:15:43LAUGHTER
00:15:44I didn't hear
00:15:48the question properly.
00:15:50Oh, look, Del, look.
00:15:52If you want to appear
00:15:53on the telly,
00:15:53why don't I try
00:15:54for something more simple?
00:15:55Like go on
00:15:56Stars in Their Eyes
00:15:57as Barry White.
00:15:57LAUGHTER
00:15:58Del,
00:16:00Del.
00:16:01It's Elsie Partridge's son.
00:16:04What do you want?
00:16:05It's Uncle Albert.
00:16:07I'm sorry.
00:16:08Hmm?
00:16:10I'm so sorry.
00:16:11MUSIC PLAYS
00:16:13überflus närμε
00:16:25come in,
00:16:26Who wants to do it?
00:16:27How far away
00:16:28Don't you wish
00:16:30left me
00:16:31Little one
00:16:32I'm sorry.
00:16:34Come in.
00:16:36Uh...
00:16:37Where is your partner?
00:16:38So far away
00:16:39there's the best
00:16:40יותר
00:16:41Right, ready?
00:16:49Chopper and erase.
00:16:50Best leave it till the hearse arrives.
00:16:52Yeah.
00:16:54All right, come on.
00:17:01We're Albert's nephews, Derek and Rodney Trotter from Beckham.
00:17:06Hello, I'm Marion.
00:17:07I did a bit of cleaning for Albert.
00:17:09Look, lovely old man.
00:17:14Went on a bit.
00:17:17Excuse me, excuse me.
00:17:20This is Cassandra, that's Rodney's wife.
00:17:23This is Damien, this is my son.
00:17:26This is Raquel, she's my significant other.
00:17:30Nice to meet you all.
00:17:31Please, come on in and have a drink.
00:17:39Damien put it back.
00:17:53I feel bad, you know, about leaving him here on his own while we was all off globetrotting.
00:17:59He wasn't on his own, he was with Elsie.
00:18:01Yeah, but Elsie was in that rest home, weren't she, for the last six months?
00:18:05But he had all her family around him.
00:18:07Yeah, he was having a good time.
00:18:09Yeah.
00:18:10Just that I wish that we'd taken him with us when we went to Barbados and all them other places.
00:18:16Well, we did ask.
00:18:18But if you remember, the ancient mariner, who'd been around the world more times than a Russian satellite, never had a passport.
00:18:26Would you admit that I didn't find that out?
00:18:29Our work would have been in right trouble.
00:18:31Hey, Rodney.
00:18:42Yeah?
00:18:43Yeah.
00:18:43Yeah, old sod.
00:18:46Only had his own monogrammed brandy glass, didn't he?
00:18:50Yeah, he loved his cognac, didn't he?
00:18:52Just to keep the old coals at bay, eh?
00:18:55Remember?
00:18:56Oh, pardon me.
00:18:57I'm Roland.
00:18:57I was married to Albert's niece, Eileen.
00:18:59All right.
00:19:00This is my brother, Rodney.
00:19:01Rodney?
00:19:02Yeah.
00:19:02And Cassandra, come and say hello.
00:19:04This is Cassandra, Rodney's wife.
00:19:06Hello.
00:19:07And Daniel.
00:19:08It's my son, Daniel.
00:19:09Daniel.
00:19:10And this is...
00:19:11Raquel.
00:19:12And this is Derek, my significant other.
00:19:17Nice to meet you all.
00:19:20Well, I suppose we'll all miss him in our way, eh?
00:19:23Yeah.
00:19:24Missing him already.
00:19:24I'll tell you one thing we won't miss, though.
00:19:28All those bloody wartime sagas.
00:19:35Actually, Roland, we used to love hearing about his past.
00:19:39That's right.
00:19:40Go on, get enough of it.
00:19:41Yeah, but he did go on, though, didn't he?
00:19:44He never bloody stopped.
00:19:47Yeah, well, you'd have to blame me for that one, Roland.
00:19:51You see, I used to love them stories.
00:19:53I loved them so much that when he got to the point and said,
00:19:56and then Germany surrendered, I'd say,
00:19:59tell us about the day that war was declared.
00:20:01And he'd start all over again and go right the way through it.
00:20:04We'd stay up all night sometimes.
00:20:06Wouldn't we?
00:20:06Yeah, well, more fool you, Derek.
00:20:08I used to just tell him straight.
00:20:09I'd say, oi, knock off the John Wayne stuff to hear you go on.
00:20:12You'd think you'd won the war all by yourself.
00:20:14Yeah, well, in many ways, that's true.
00:20:17Because everyone involved was fighting their own individual war,
00:20:20weren't they?
00:20:21Yeah, yes.
00:20:22You've got to remember that a lot of blokes lost their lives for our liberty
00:20:26just so that 50 years later,
00:20:29prats like you would have the freedom to knock them.
00:20:32All right?
00:20:32All right?
00:20:33Take it easy, Del.
00:20:35I'll tell you what, Roland, have they got a garden here?
00:20:37Because I think you and I ought to go outside
00:20:39and have a more detailed chat.
00:20:41Oh, my God.
00:20:41Don't, don't, that's enough.
00:20:43Go on, Dad, take it.
00:20:45No, no, hold on.
00:20:47I didn't mean to upset anybody.
00:20:48Calm down.
00:20:49All right, all right?
00:20:50All right?
00:20:50The curse is on its way.
00:20:53I'll go and get a brief, okay?
00:20:55So you just...
00:20:55All right, Rondie, all right.
00:21:04Have you calmed down?
00:21:05Yes, yes, all right.
00:21:08It's all right, sweetheart.
00:21:11I'll tell you another thing.
00:21:13None of the others have bothered to turn up, have they, eh?
00:21:16Boy, see, Marlene Denzel triggered that lot.
00:21:19Oh, don't worry, Del boy.
00:21:20We'll be there.
00:21:21You know, pay our last respects.
00:21:22Well, where are they?
00:21:24You would have thought Sid would have put in an appearance.
00:21:27I mean, he was in the war.
00:21:29Oh, he's in that pub, isn't he, making too much money.
00:21:32Well, maybe they have problems.
00:21:34It is a bit of a journey.
00:21:36I'll tell you what, good old Mike would have made more of an effort to get here,
00:21:40and he's in the nick.
00:21:41Come on, you, outside.
00:21:43All right, all right.
00:21:49I'm sorry.
00:21:51Again, I really didn't mean to offend anybody.
00:21:53It's okay.
00:21:54Emotions running a bit high, that's all.
00:21:56Yeah.
00:21:56I bet old Bunny's up there having a right laugh at us, eh?
00:21:59I bet he is.
00:22:03Bunny?
00:22:05Yeah, Halbert.
00:22:06Why'd you call him Bunny?
00:22:08Well, that's what they called him in the RAF, didn't they?
00:22:10Because his surname was Warren.
00:22:11Is that a Spitfire, Dad?
00:22:31We're at the wrong funeral.
00:22:50Yes.
00:22:50Yes.
00:22:51No kidding.
00:22:54No kidding.
00:23:00No kidding.
00:23:10No kidding.
00:23:15No kidding.
00:23:16No kidding.
00:23:16No kidding.
00:23:17No kidding, though you made any questions.
00:23:18Gentlemen, you have my deepest sympathy for your loss,
00:23:42but I must bring you back to the matter in hand.
00:23:44Are there any mitigating circumstances you'd like me to inform the court on?
00:23:51Oh, yes. You must remember to tell them that we were slaves to detail, weren't we, Rodney?
00:23:56Absolutely.
00:23:57We made certain that we always got our cheques off to the Inland Revenue on time.
00:24:01Always.
00:24:02Be upstanding.
00:24:06The Inland Revenue versus Trotter's Independent Traders.
00:24:10Fair do's, they bounced, but they was always on top.
00:24:17I can't believe it. Where did you get all this crap from?
00:24:23Oh, I thought they were going to bang you up.
00:24:28Well, you was wrong, weren't you, rat boy?
00:24:31They were exonerated of all responsibility.
00:24:33So you both got off?
00:24:35Not quite.
00:24:36You sit down, I'll get you a cup of tea.
00:24:39No, no, I need something stronger than tea, Raquel.
00:24:42What happened, Dad?
00:24:43The court declared me bankrupt.
00:24:45Does that mean you're going to prison?
00:24:46No!
00:24:47Well, not yet.
00:24:48Why does he keep going on about prison?
00:24:51No, all his mates' dads are doing time, he feels left out.
00:24:54Daniel, go to your room and tidy it.
00:24:56I did it this morning.
00:24:57Well, go and tidy it again.
00:25:01So, what exactly does it mean?
00:25:04It means that the Inland Revenue give you a year to pay off your debt.
00:25:08Then they come in and take all your goods.
00:25:10Well, anything of any value.
00:25:12So it won't affect us, then?
00:25:15We have got something of value, Raquel.
00:25:17You're sitting in it.
00:25:19This flat, it's our home.
00:25:20They'll steal the roof from over our heads.
00:25:22Oi, you take it from me.
00:25:24That is not going to happen, Derek.
00:25:26Well, have you got an idea, then, Rodney?
00:25:28No, I mean, you've had it on the market for five years
00:25:30and no-one's even looked at it.
00:25:33That's because I had it up for its true value.
00:25:35They'll come along and auction it for a third of its price.
00:25:38So what are we going to do, then?
00:25:40I suppose you could always look for a job.
00:25:46Trigger said they're recruiting down at his depot.
00:25:49The pay is not too bad, either.
00:25:51I know it's only road-sweeping, but...
00:25:54She's right, Del.
00:25:58Yeah, I suppose so.
00:26:00I'll help you fill in your application form, if you like.
00:26:04Me?
00:26:05You can't expect Del to go out sweeping the roads.
00:26:08Not at his age.
00:26:10I was talking about you.
00:26:12Me?
00:26:13Oh, come on.
00:26:14Can you honestly see Rodney pushing a broom around?
00:26:17It's all right, they give training.
00:26:19So, how much do you actually owe the taxman?
00:26:2548,750.
00:26:28For...
00:26:29What?
00:26:3048,754.
00:26:32For?
00:26:33Plus interest.
00:26:35Oh, well.
00:26:37Never really liked this place, anyway.
00:26:38I thought you've done now.
00:26:42You've upset her, haven't you?
00:26:44What, by adding four quid?
00:26:47No, it was dopey there, talking about interest.
00:26:50It's got her all worried.
00:26:51Oh, I don't want to talk to you any more.
00:26:53Good.
00:26:54I'm going to have a shower.
00:26:55Yeah, well, don't use all the hot water.
00:27:00It's all right, sweetheart.
00:27:01Now, come on.
00:27:02We'll soon be back on our feet again.
00:27:05How?
00:27:06You owe nearly 49,000 pounds, plus interest.
00:27:10Yeah, it's not a very good start, I must admit.
00:27:13No, let me do that.
00:27:14Let me do that.
00:27:15Go on, you get some plates out.
00:27:17Anyway, it's going to be all right.
00:27:18I've worked it all out.
00:27:19I'm a trader, aren't I, eh?
00:27:21I've been trading all my life since I was 12.
00:27:23I could sell rice to the Chinese.
00:27:26Yeah, so I'm going to go back to trading.
00:27:28I'm going to work for a little local firm.
00:27:30Yeah?
00:27:31Like who?
00:27:32It's called Trotters Independent Traders.
00:27:35What are you talking about?
00:27:36The firm's been liquidised.
00:27:38Or liquidated, or whatever the stupid word is.
00:27:40No, no, no.
00:27:41The firm can go on trading.
00:27:43It's just that I've been disqualified from running it.
00:27:46That doesn't mean to say that I can't work for it.
00:27:49All we need is a new managing director.
00:27:52Oh, God.
00:27:53I actually got excited then.
00:27:54Derek, who is going to be stupid enough to take over Trotters Independent Traders?
00:28:05All right, Rodders, here you go.
00:28:06Get it down your neck.
00:28:07Oh, cheers, mate.
00:28:09Well, I don't know what we're going to do, Rodney, do you?
00:28:11No.
00:28:12Me neither.
00:28:13I mean, here I am, disqualified from running me own company.
00:28:16If I take out a loan, the tax man will nick me.
00:28:20If I work in cash, the customs and excise will nick me.
00:28:24My credit rating is so low, I can't even pay with money.
00:28:30Only there was some way in which we could carry on trading.
00:28:34Yeah.
00:28:35No, it's no use you trying to cheer me up, Rodney.
00:28:41No, I'm afraid the company's finished.
00:28:44It's gone.
00:28:45Trotters Independent Traders is no more.
00:28:48It's kaput.
00:28:49It's dead, dead as the emu.
00:28:57Well, that's not strictly true, is it?
00:28:59I mean, the company can still operate.
00:29:02It's just that I'm banned from running it.
00:29:05I know.
00:29:06If only there was someone out there, Rodney, who could take over the firm.
00:29:16Someone young and enthusiastic.
00:29:18Someone full of enthusiasm and ideas, eh?
00:29:22I wonder who.
00:29:31Young and energetic, with ideas and enthusiasm.
00:29:38Hang on a minute.
00:29:39You've thought of someone, Rodney.
00:29:42Oh no, he emigrated, didn't he?
00:29:44He's so wobbly.
00:29:45Honestly.
00:29:46I don't believe him all the time.
00:29:47There might be one person, Del.
00:29:48Whom?
00:29:49Nay.
00:29:50You?
00:29:51How do you mean, Rodney?
00:29:52Look.
00:29:53Look.
00:29:54Right.
00:29:55You've been made bankrupt, right?
00:29:57And are therefore not allowed to run a company, right?
00:29:58No.
00:29:59You?
00:30:00How do you mean, Rodney?
00:30:01Look.
00:30:02Look.
00:30:03Right.
00:30:04You've been made bankrupt, right?
00:30:05And are therefore not allowed to run a company, right?
00:30:06No.
00:30:07No.
00:30:08No.
00:30:09No.
00:30:10No.
00:30:11No.
00:30:12No.
00:30:13No.
00:30:15I haven't.
00:30:18No, you've got me all confused now.
00:30:22Let me explain in simple terms, right?
00:30:25Legally, there is nothing to stop me taking over Trotter's Independent Traders.
00:30:32Let me see if I've got this right.
00:30:35What you're saying is that you could run the firm.
00:30:38By George, I think he's got it.
00:30:41That's a brilliant idea, Rodney.
00:30:43Large and competent, as they say in cans.
00:30:46Yeah.
00:30:47Well, tell you what we'll do.
00:30:48We'll go down and see our lawyer tomorrow, go straight round the company's house, and
00:30:51make you the new managing director, Rodney Trotter.
00:30:54Hey, Raquel, guess what?
00:30:56Rodney has only come up with a brilliant idea to save the family.
00:31:00He's going to be the new managing director of Trotter's Independent Traders.
00:31:03I'm going to be in charge of sales, purchasing and finance, that's all.
00:31:08Congratulations, Rodney.
00:31:10I was surprised you didn't think of that, Dale.
00:31:12Yeah, that's just what I was thinking.
00:31:13Ah!
00:31:14Damien, go away from that keyhole.
00:31:16He's a lad, isn't he, eh?
00:31:17Yeah.
00:31:18The world's full of surprises, isn't he?
00:31:19Look at that.
00:31:20Mickey Pearce has learnt to read.
00:31:21Trotter's Independent Traders, now under new management, managing director Rodney Trotter.
00:31:40You've seen this?
00:31:41Rodney Trotter's a managing director.
00:31:43Yeah, and Cliff Richard's on 40-silk cut a day.
00:31:46Rodney taught as a managing director.
00:31:49Yeah, and Cliff Richard's on 40 silk cut a day.
00:31:53No, no, it's true. Have a look.
00:31:56Consultancy and party planning.
00:31:59Yeah. Do you remember their last two?
00:32:01Depressing, weren't it?
00:32:02That was Albert's funeral.
00:32:04No, I'm talking about Rodney's wedding.
00:32:09I'm going to give him a call.
00:32:10Wind him right up.
00:32:11Oh, leave him alone. He's doing his best.
00:32:14Yeah, and they've just suffered a setback,
00:32:16losing all the money and they're being made bankrupt.
00:32:18Yeah, don't you think it'll be a rather insensitive act
00:32:20on your partner, Keane?
00:32:22Yeah, I suppose you're right.
00:32:24Yeah, I'll use my phone.
00:32:29Hey, me, hon.
00:32:31We're going out in a minute
00:32:32to celebrate Daddy's new job with Uncle Rodney.
00:32:35Get yourself ready and go over to Wesley's flat.
00:32:38We'll come and collect you later.
00:32:39Yeah, yeah, don't force me, bitch.
00:32:41We're going to some hungry.
00:32:43Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:32:44You don't stop listening to that gangster rat.
00:32:47I'm going to give you a rat right round your lug hole.
00:32:49Now, go on, go and get yourself ready.
00:32:50Go on, off you go.
00:32:53Hi, honky.
00:32:53Rat boy.
00:32:54Honky, honky, honky, honky.
00:32:55Where are you getting out of here?
00:32:59You ready, Rodney?
00:33:01I'm waiting for Cassandra.
00:33:02It's just getting...
00:33:03Come on, hurry up, darling.
00:33:06Dressed.
00:33:06Very nice.
00:33:14I don't believe you did that.
00:33:17Now, dear, we're not even going out with you.
00:33:19Why not?
00:33:20Because we're going out on our own.
00:33:22Cassandra suggested it.
00:33:24I think me becoming managing director has made a difference.
00:33:28What, I say that power is an aphrodisiac, don't they?
00:33:30Yeah, well, I must say, she's bubbling.
00:33:35Yeah, well, I'm taking her out to a club.
00:33:39See, first thing we did when we met was dance.
00:33:42So I thought, you know, it might rekindle those old memories.
00:33:45Now you want to take her out to dinner.
00:33:47There's a nice new place open down Jomo Kenyatta Grove.
00:33:52No, no, you don't understand, see,
00:33:54because dancing is the human form of the mating ritual, isn't it?
00:33:58Yeah, I know, I know.
00:33:59That is if you are a good dancer.
00:34:03I'm a good dancer.
00:34:04You're not.
00:34:05You're not a good dancer.
00:34:07I saw you dancing in that disco in Monte Carlo.
00:34:10You look like Billy Elliot with worms.
00:34:15Mind you,
00:34:16if what I've seen in there is anything to go by,
00:34:19you're on a winner tonight.
00:34:21Look, will you stop talking about my wife and her...
00:34:23Really?
00:34:24Really?
00:34:24G-string is more like dental floss.
00:34:40Evening, Dill.
00:34:41Oh, hello, trick.
00:34:42Come in.
00:34:44Just go and jolly Raquel up.
00:34:46Raquel, will you hurry up?
00:34:47I'll have to have another shave in a minute.
00:34:48All right, Dave?
00:34:56Yes, I'm fine.
00:34:57Thank you, Trigger.
00:35:11So, um...
00:35:13What are you doing here, Trigger?
00:35:14Well, Dill said he'd give me a lift to the pub.
00:35:16Oh, all right.
00:35:17But you live closest to the pub than us.
00:35:24I know.
00:35:27In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this...
00:35:30Yeah, but Dill said he'd give me a lift.
00:35:38All right.
00:35:38You put a bit of music on, Dave.
00:35:57Yes.
00:35:59Mozart's Symphony No. 38 in D Major.
00:36:02I find it helps me unwind, you know.
00:36:05Ease is my executive stress.
00:36:12Ain't there no words to this, Dave?
00:36:17No, it's no words, Trigg, no.
00:36:19Sort of instrumental.
00:36:20Now, Cal, I'm giving you two minutes, I'm going on my own.
00:36:26God, dear.
00:36:29What's this?
00:36:30It's Mozart's Symphony No. 38 in D Major.
00:36:37It's the karaoke version.
00:36:39Cassandra, answer that phone, will you, please?
00:36:49Yes, sir.
00:36:50I'll organise your bloody appointment book for you in a minute.
00:36:53Trotters' Independent Traders, how may I help you?
00:36:56That is one moody mare, that is, isn't it?
00:36:58Look, can you blame her?
00:37:00You're treating her like she's your personal secretary
00:37:02and you've just had her butchers at her drawers.
00:37:04The only reason that I like Cassandra to answer the phone
00:37:07is because she's got a nice voice.
00:37:09Anyway, if you two weren't so proud,
00:37:12you and her could be living in her mum and dad's house.
00:37:14God, we've been through all this before.
00:37:17We're happy here.
00:37:19Well, we're here anyway.
00:37:22I'm running the firm now.
00:37:23Cassandra's applied for her old job back at the bank,
00:37:25so eventually we might have enough money to get our own place.
00:37:31I don't know who it is.
00:37:32Sounds foreign.
00:37:33Says he wants to speak to the boss.
00:37:34All right.
00:37:35Oi, oi, excuse me.
00:37:37I'm the boss now.
00:37:38Sorry, I keep forgetting.
00:37:40Bloody hell, I knew it was lonely at the top.
00:37:42I didn't think it'd be this quick.
00:37:45I'll get you a beer trick.
00:37:47Trotters' Independent Traders, how may we help you?
00:37:50Good evening.
00:37:51I am wishing to speak with managing director.
00:37:53Yes, this is he.
00:37:55My name is Rodney Trotter.
00:37:57I'm the managing director.
00:37:58I am representative of Sultan of Brunei.
00:38:03Wow.
00:38:05You'll never guess he's on...
00:38:06You'll never guess he's on the phone.
00:38:09It's only the Sultan of Brunei.
00:38:10Yeah, right.
00:38:12My name is Asid Hassan.
00:38:15Well, it's very nice to speak with you, sir.
00:38:17There you go, trick.
00:38:19Who are you talking to?
00:38:20The Sultan of Brunei.
00:38:21Oh, yeah, right.
00:38:22Hey, come on, you.
00:38:23And, um, how may I be of assistance, sir?
00:38:26You have advertisement in newspaper.
00:38:29And His Highness, he would like to talk with you.
00:38:32Yo.
00:38:32Hmm.
00:38:33See my advert.
00:38:34Oh, yeah.
00:38:34Sultan of Brunei reads the peck-a-meck-a, does he?
00:38:37What a Moby.
00:38:39What a Moby.
00:38:43If you get me another brush, I can do your other hand for you.
00:38:46Go away.
00:38:49His Highness, he would like you to fly to Brunei and be his consultant.
00:38:54No problem.
00:38:56And, uh, what exactly would you like to consult with me about?
00:39:00Recently, His Highness bought a crappy old three-wheeled van.
00:39:04And he wants to know how to start it on cold mornings.
00:39:07Yeah, I had you going there, didn't I?
00:39:16No, I knew it was you all along.
00:39:19I was just winding you up.
00:39:23Don't shove it, will you?
00:39:24Just shove it.
00:39:26When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
00:39:28What's happened?
00:39:30Oh, Dave's just had a big row with the Sultan of Brunei.
00:39:32Yeah, right.
00:39:37Ahem!
00:39:51Is it the future?
00:39:54Yeah, the future.
00:39:55Cass, I'd like us to try for a baby.
00:40:04Rodney, some restaurants don't like that sort of thing.
00:40:09No, I think we're in here, on the top.
00:40:12In the future.
00:40:14Soon.
00:40:15We weren't very successful at it last time, were we?
00:40:18It'll be different next time.
00:40:19Take it from me, I know about these things.
00:40:21And what about, you know, the way things are?
00:40:27Yeah, well, I'm glad you brought that up.
00:40:30Recently, I, er, bought this magazine.
00:40:32I hate it when you buy those magazines.
00:40:35It's not that sort of magazine.
00:40:37You always end up making comparisons and that sort of thing.
00:40:40No, look, it is a man's magazine, but not that sort.
00:40:44It's serious.
00:40:45Well, there's a fellow writing in there who's an expert on marital problems.
00:40:49And he's developed this psychological healing process.
00:40:53I'd like us to try, Cass.
00:40:55You never know, do you?
00:40:58So, who is he?
00:41:00Well, he's American, West Coast.
00:41:02And he reckons that most couples' troubles stem from bygone days.
00:41:05You know, all them things in the past.
00:41:07Like the childish way you used to behave.
00:41:09Yeah, that's...
00:41:11That sort of thing, yeah.
00:41:14He calls that memory baggage.
00:41:16And how do we unload this memory baggage?
00:41:20We become different people.
00:41:22Different people?
00:41:23Yeah.
00:41:24I mean, we don't have to go to a plastic surgeon or nothing.
00:41:27It's simply remembering to forget.
00:41:30To forget who you were and become reborn.
00:41:34This clinic's called fantasy therapy.
00:41:37Wait a minute.
00:41:38Does this involve dressing up?
00:41:40Of course not.
00:41:41It's all based on a theory known as iconoclastic auto-suggestion.
00:41:47Sorry.
00:41:47It's the subconscious rejecting reality and something else.
00:41:55Basically, each person writes down their fantasy figure
00:41:59and then the other person, just for a little while, becomes that figure.
00:42:03And it doesn't involve dressing up?
00:42:05Absolutely not.
00:42:06No, it's all up here.
00:42:07You see, we suspend reality
00:42:09and then we create our own little make-believe world.
00:42:14What do you think, Cass?
00:42:16Are you at least willing to give it a try?
00:42:20All right, then.
00:42:23Yeah?
00:42:25Well, no, that's good.
00:42:26That's very healthy.
00:42:28It does involve dressing up, doesn't it?
00:42:30Yes.
00:42:33It's OK.
00:42:35Let's go for it.
00:42:38Of course, me.
00:42:40Right, you know, then.
00:42:43Right.
00:42:44You write down yours, OK?
00:42:47Then I'll write down Mellon.
00:42:48I never watch the bill.
00:43:06I've got some on tape.
00:43:07Um, you know, well, probably.
00:43:09You can play it off for a moment.
00:43:11All right.
00:43:12Your turn.
00:43:13I didn't know you fancied him.
00:43:19Oh, yeah.
00:43:22A little bit.
00:43:25Yeah, OK.
00:43:25So am I supposed to be him?
00:43:27Dunno.
00:43:29But I don't care.
00:43:30Rodney, to hell with putting clothes on.
00:43:32Let's go home and take some off.
00:43:35Yeah.
00:43:36Yeah, right.
00:43:39Bill, please.
00:43:39Hurry it up.
00:43:58I thought you two would be in bed.
00:44:00Uh, yeah.
00:44:00We're just going.
00:44:01Good night.
00:44:02Oh, good night.
00:44:02Hey, you never guessed who phoned for you earlier.
00:44:05Richard Branston.
00:44:06No, of course it wasn't.
00:44:10I'm going to kill that ruddy Mickey Pierce.
00:44:11Oh, yeah.
00:44:13Well, see you then.
00:44:14Yeah, see you.
00:44:15I couldn't sleep.
00:44:16No?
00:44:17No.
00:44:17Oh, well, night-night.
00:44:18Night-night.
00:44:20I was lying in bed there, you know.
00:44:22I was thinking about all the family.
00:44:25You know, about Mum and Uncle Albert.
00:44:29Yeah, well.
00:44:31Night, then.
00:44:32It's all that old bed, you know.
00:44:44If that bed could speak, it can half tell some tales, couldn't it?
00:44:49Yeah.
00:44:49Old Grandad had his first fit in that bed.
00:44:56Of course, then there was Uncle Albert.
00:44:58Uncle Albert slept in that for years, didn't he?
00:45:00Do you remember him in here?
00:45:02Snoring, tossing and turning and, you know, scratching his old beard.
00:45:10You're a lot of history in that bed.
00:45:13Yeah, anyway, good night.
00:45:18Well, try and imagine what it's like.
00:45:20We're lying there in bed and all we can hear is you watching a telly.
00:45:23Oh, mate, it's not just you.
00:45:25Oh, it's Raquel and Damien and all these friends and Trigger and anyone else who comes into the flat any time of the day or night.
00:45:33The flat's overcrowded, Dale.
00:45:36The flat's always been overcrowded.
00:45:37I mentioned it to the council once and they said it was designed to be overcrowded.
00:45:42Cassie and I can't help thinking if we can hear you, you can hear us.
00:45:49No, I've never heard a sound from your room.
00:45:54Exactly.
00:45:55Well, while we're at it, this ain't going to solve anything.
00:45:59I know, I know, I just get so wound up sometimes, I just...
00:46:04It's water.
00:46:07I know that.
00:46:08That's what I'm saying.
00:46:09You should have a proper drink.
00:46:11Oh, no.
00:46:13Years ago, I may have given in to that sort of temptation, but not now.
00:46:17I'm a different bloke now.
00:46:18Much stronger.
00:46:19I've got much more...
00:46:22Go on in, small one.
00:46:23Good boy, you know, it makes sense.
00:46:25Oi, darling, let's have a couple of scotches, please.
00:46:30So, uh, you know, how can I help?
00:46:33Go out, all of you.
00:46:35Just leave me and Cass on our own for once.
00:46:39Rodney, this must be your lucky day.
00:46:41I wasn't going to say nothing, you know, not yet, because it's, well, it's been the secret.
00:46:46But I'm taking Damien and Raquel out next Thursday.
00:46:52Really?
00:46:53That means you'll have the whole evening to your swap.
00:46:58Cheers, Del, you are a diamond.
00:47:02At least give us a clue.
00:47:04Well, all I say is, this is a night that you will never forget.
00:47:08Other than that, I'm not saying anything.
00:47:10Just sit back in comfort and enjoy the evening.
00:47:14Oh, yeah, what did Monkey Harris say?
00:47:16How do you mean?
00:47:17What do you mean, how do you mean?
00:47:18I asked you to phone Monkey, didn't I, and say yes.
00:47:21Oh, I forgot, Del.
00:47:22Oh, I'm sorry.
00:47:24What, we're getting ready?
00:47:25Oh, was it important?
00:47:26Was it important?
00:47:27Just hang about a minute, driver.
00:47:29Of course it was important.
00:47:31He's had a consignment of those electronic personal organisers come in, and they're selling like
00:47:35crazy.
00:47:37He's got another 200, and I want to put my name on them before tomorrow, because they'll
00:47:41all be gone.
00:47:42Oh, Raquel, you've really let me down on this one.
00:47:50You dish a man, woman.
00:47:51You kind of simple thing.
00:47:53Shut up.
00:47:55Oh, God.
00:48:08Oh, hold on.
00:48:09You're welcome, Bill.
00:48:11Oh, you're welcome.
00:48:11Listen, I'll have a take on my family.
00:48:12Just wait a second.
00:48:13All right.
00:48:14Wait a minute.
00:48:14Come on.
00:48:14Come on.
00:48:16Come on.
00:48:19Come on.
00:48:32Come on.
00:48:33Come on.
00:48:33Come on.
00:48:34Come on.
00:48:34Come on.
00:48:35Come on.
00:48:35Thank you, she's not going to hang up.
00:48:43We're being raided.
00:49:05I wish...
00:50:05All right.
00:50:10Oh, my God.
00:50:12Oh, my God, it's you, Cassandra.
00:50:14Oh, my God, I thought you was a real policewoman.
00:50:16You nearly gave me a connery out there.
00:50:19You said you was going out.
00:50:21Yeah, I went out.
00:50:21What are you doing here, then?
00:50:22I've come back.
00:50:25Why are you dressed like that?
00:50:28Like what?
00:50:32Like a couple of wallies.
00:50:36What, like this?
00:50:38Don't be naive, Derek.
00:50:41Can you believe him?
00:50:42Isn't it obvious?
00:50:44Well, it may be to some people, darling, but I'm not from the planet Dippy.
00:50:50Derek, Cassandra and I were simply...
00:50:54We're going to a fancy dress party.
00:50:56Yes.
00:50:56Oh, I see, right.
00:50:58Who are you supposed to be?
00:51:00That one from the bill.
00:51:01Oh, Reg Hollis.
00:51:05What's her name?
00:51:06I don't know.
00:51:07Well, whoever you are supposed to be, darling, you look very, very nice.
00:51:12You know.
00:51:13A little bit scary, but very nice.
00:51:16And, um...
00:51:18And you, brothers?
00:51:25What about you?
00:51:27What about me?
00:51:28Who are you supposed to be?
00:51:31Russell Crowe.
00:51:36Pardon?
00:51:36Russell Crowe.
00:51:42Russell Crowe?
00:51:44You look more like Spartacus with piles.
00:51:48Look, it is a simple fancy dress party, that's all.
00:51:52Ah.
00:51:52A bit early for a fancy dress party, isn't it?
00:51:54You know, half past five.
00:51:55Well, um, yeah, well, yeah.
00:51:56Yeah, it is a bit early, yeah.
00:51:58That's because it's, um...
00:51:59Oh, it's an early fancy dress party.
00:52:01My ex-boss at the bank invited us.
00:52:04He can't have late parties.
00:52:06People have to be up for work early in the morning.
00:52:08Oh, right, yeah, well, bit of a choker, innit, bruv?
00:52:12You were hoping for a bit of fun and games tonight.
00:52:15Yeah, well, never mind, huh?
00:52:17No, bad luck, Rob.
00:52:20Go on, then.
00:52:25Go on, then, what?
00:52:26Go on.
00:52:26Off you go, I'll lock up.
00:52:28Um...
00:52:28Well, no, no, no, it's all right.
00:52:30We're in no hurry.
00:52:31Oh, come on, Rodney, look.
00:52:33Cassandra wants her old job back at the bank.
00:52:37What is it going to look like
00:52:38if she turns up late for a boss's party?
00:52:40I mean, that won't go down very well, will it?
00:52:42Come on, you've got to go and make a big impression.
00:52:45Here, look, you can borrow the old Capri.
00:52:49Right.
00:52:50Thanks, Del.
00:52:51No, no, come on, come on.
00:52:52You're family.
00:52:53Go on, you two.
00:52:53Go off and have some fun.
00:52:54Oh, just a second, Rodney.
00:53:08Here you go.
00:53:10I don't want you to get rusty.
00:53:11Come on, monkey.
00:53:20I've got to be weighed by six.
00:53:21Hurry up.
00:53:24What in God's name are we going to do?
00:53:27I mean, people might see us.
00:53:30Well, there's nothing strange in a policewoman walking on the estate.
00:53:33And what about me?
00:53:34You look like Ben Erring and Mac.
00:53:37Well, I've just said I've arrested you.
00:53:38For what?
00:53:39There must be a law against going around dressed like that.
00:53:45Oh, no.
00:53:48Hurry up.
00:53:49Dad, a driver's got another job to go to.
00:53:54Pervert.
00:53:59Now, go.
00:54:02Oh.
00:54:03Hurry up.
00:54:03You two are still here.
00:54:07Oh, thank God.
00:54:07I thought you'd gone.
00:54:09Now, listen, I know that you want to go to this fancy dress party.
00:54:11I just remembered something.
00:54:13Look, I don't want to spoil your fun, but I was just wondering, would you mind if you didn't go?
00:54:18No, no, tabletop.
00:54:19Anything.
00:54:21Oh, right.
00:54:22Go.
00:54:23Listen, the thing is, Rodney, I'm expecting a very, very important phone call tonight.
00:54:27I want you to answer it.
00:54:30You're not going out this evening, are you?
00:54:32Absolutely not, no.
00:54:33Don't worry.
00:54:34We'll go to the bank's next party, won't you mind?
00:54:36Good, good for you.
00:54:37Bravo.
00:54:38You're 42,000.
00:54:3942.
00:54:39I'll be back about midnight.
00:54:41Oh, and the Russell Crowe.
00:54:44Yeah.
00:54:46All like Daffy Duck.
00:54:47Welcome to another edition of the Creep Show that is taking the country by storm.
00:55:14Not this country, but we're big in Bosnia and we're massive in Macedonia.
00:55:18This is the show where you can win anything from £1 to £100,000.
00:55:25This is the fastest game show on TV.
00:55:27This is Thursday.
00:55:28This is live.
00:55:29This is Jonathan Ross and this is Gold Rush.
00:55:31Let's start as always by meeting our three lucky contestants.
00:55:42Now, first up we have Mike Wallace from Merseyside.
00:55:45Mike is a financial advisor, married with two horses and his pastimes include golf, wheel
00:55:51and dressage.
00:55:52I think I've seen dressage on the Olympics, Mike.
00:55:54It's like rodeo on Prozac, isn't it?
00:55:57That's Mike Wallace, ladies and gentlemen.
00:56:01Next up we have Janice Scott from Nuki.
00:56:04Janice is married to Ian and has a three-year-old daughter named Meryl.
00:56:08Her hobbies are rock climbing and amateur opera.
00:56:11Wow, and she's only three, Janice.
00:56:12That's really impressive.
00:56:14Come on, this is class.
00:56:18And finally, we have Derek Trotter from Peckham.
00:56:22Derek is a businessman who lives with Raquel, his significant other.
00:56:29He has an 11-year-old son named Damien and his pastimes include fine wines, the theatre
00:56:35and 16th century Italian Renaissance art.
00:56:40Here are our contestants, ladies and gentlemen.
00:56:44As always, we start with the timed round.
00:56:51So let's see, who's got the fastest finger?
00:56:56Rodney.
00:56:59Whose famous diary recorded the plague and the great fire of London?
00:57:05Mrs. Dale's.
00:57:10Nice try, Dale, but I'm afraid that's not right.
00:57:13Your foes are now at the back of the queue.
00:57:16Janice.
00:57:16Is it Bridget Jones?
00:57:18Jonathan.
00:57:20Again, so close, Janice, but...
00:57:23You go to the back.
00:57:24Del, you move up one place.
00:57:26Mike, get this right and you'll be the first challenger on the Rainbow Road.
00:57:30And what's at the end of the rainbow?
00:57:34I think I know it, Jonathan.
00:57:39It's Adrian Mole.
00:57:43Oh, bad luck, Mike.
00:57:46It was Samuel Pepys.
00:57:47You go to the back of the queue now.
00:57:49Everyone else moves forward one place, which means that Derek is going to be the first challenger
00:57:53on the Rainbow Road.
00:57:54Del, come and join me in the middle.
00:57:55Now, first things first, Del.
00:58:03Here's your pound.
00:58:05Whatever else happens, that's yours.
00:58:06And welcome to the BBC.
00:58:09Just make sure it ain't no Irish, eh?
00:58:10Now, the rules are simple, which I think is probably just as well.
00:58:15You'll be given a series of questions, each one having a multiple choice of three possible
00:58:19answers.
00:58:20With each correct answer that you give, you move to another colour of the rainbow.
00:58:24And the prize money increases right the way up to the gold question, which is worth £100,000.
00:58:32Lovely, jubbly.
00:58:33But you also have a number of options to help you on your way, OK?
00:58:37You have a shot in the dark, you have an SOS, or you can drop one.
00:58:44Come on, this is class.
00:58:47Where do we get them?
00:58:48But we warned, Janice and Mike can play their aces at any time, Derek, and challenge you.
00:58:53So, if you're ready, let's play Gold Rush.
00:58:56You have 20 seconds left.
00:59:07Which is the highest-mounted in Africa, Kilimanjaro or Fuji?
00:59:11It's Kilimanjaro.
00:59:12Any idiot knows that.
00:59:13Well, I didn't.
00:59:16Thanks all, anybody coming back from Ibiza with a duty-free brain cell knows it's Kilimanjaro.
00:59:22But this is Derek Trotter.
00:59:26I'm going to go with Kilimanjaro.
00:59:30Derek, that's the right answer.
00:59:37Well, I thought it was, Jonathan, because I know that Fuji make cameras, don't they?
00:59:44Now, let's move up to the next colour and take a look at the £2,000 question.
00:59:49Great.
00:59:50Del, you're doing really well.
00:59:51Now, Janice has just challenged you.
00:59:52She got it wrong, and she has doubled your money to £10,000.
01:00:01The next question, the green question, is worth £25,000.
01:00:05You've still got, of course, your shot in the dark and SOS.
01:00:09Let's look at the question.
01:00:10Here it is.
01:00:10In which state was President Kennedy when he was assassinated in 1963?
01:00:16Well, he was in a terrible state.
01:00:17He died.
01:00:23Just a little bit too quick there.
01:00:24Please let me give you the three possible answers.
01:00:26Was it Texas, was it Florida, or was it California?
01:00:34Sorry, Jonathan, no.
01:00:36I'm going to have to use my shot in the dark on this one.
01:00:39Okay.
01:00:41I'll go for...
01:00:42Florida.
01:00:46No!
01:00:47I'm afraid Florida is wrong.
01:00:52It was Texas, but you played your shot in the dark, which means that you lose the money
01:00:57and you're frozen out of the game.
01:00:59Okay, here's the penalty question.
01:01:00How many wheels does a reliant Robin have?
01:01:05This question is worth £50,000.
01:01:14Derek is correct.
01:01:15These lights will turn to gold, and he'll be answering the £100,000 question.
01:01:19So if you're ready for £50,000, here it is.
01:01:23Which classical guitarist wrote the opera, The Child and the Enchantment?
01:01:27Was it Ravel, Segovia, or Rodrigo?
01:01:32I think I know this one, Jonathan.
01:01:35I think it's Ravel, or I keep thinking, you know, it could be, could it be Segovia?
01:01:49Then again, might be Rodrigo.
01:01:54Well, Derek, you're right, it's definitely one of those three.
01:01:59Well, in that case, Jonathan, I'm going to have to use my old SOS, aren't I?
01:02:02Yeah, I think that's probably wise.
01:02:04Who would you like to be your saviour tonight, Derek?
01:02:06My brother, Rodney.
01:02:07Okay, and where is Rodney right now?
01:02:09He's at home in a flat, you know, taking care of a bit of business.
01:02:12Okay.
01:02:13Oh!
01:02:14Oh!
01:02:14Oh!
01:02:15No, no, no!
01:02:19But Del said he was expecting a very important call.
01:02:22Oh, bloody hell!
01:02:24Hello!
01:02:25Hello!
01:02:26Hello, is that Rodney?
01:02:32Yes!
01:02:33Hello, Rodney, this is Jonathan Ross at the Gold Rush studio.
01:02:36Oh, piss off, Mickey, you're getting all that tits in there.
01:02:38Mickey Pearce pretended to be Jonathan Ross.
01:02:50Rodney, hello, it's Jonathan Ross, we need to help.
01:02:52Rodney!
01:02:55Rodney, no, it is Jonathan Ross.
01:02:58Oh, my God.
01:03:02Hi, Jonathan, how are you?
01:03:05I'm just fine.
01:03:07I've got Derek here, and he's on £25,000.
01:03:11You're kidding.
01:03:12No, I'm deadly serious, but he's got a problem with the £50,000 question, and he has chosen
01:03:17you as his saviour.
01:03:19So listen carefully, you'll have 20 seconds to answer.
01:03:22Now listen, Rodney.
01:03:24Hold on, hold on, what's in this for me?
01:03:27I'll make sure you get a drink.
01:03:32Which, which classical guitarist wrote the opera The Child Endy Enchantment?
01:03:39Was it Ravel, Sergovia, or Rodrigo?
01:03:46Ravel.
01:03:47How sure are you?
01:03:50100%, Derek.
01:03:51Good boy, Rodders.
01:03:52Take it away, Del.
01:03:56I know my classics.
01:03:58Um, yeah, I'll go with that, it's Ravel.
01:04:02John, okay.
01:04:03You know, Derek, you don't have to take his answer, you know that, don't you?
01:04:06No, no, no, no, no, but he knows what he's talking about, it's Ravel.
01:04:09So you don't want to change your mind?
01:04:11No.
01:04:12Derek, that was the wrong answer.
01:04:16It was Segovia.
01:04:26No, no, no, Rodney said it was Ravel.
01:04:29Yeah, I know he did, but he was wrong.
01:04:31Bad luck, Del, sorry.
01:04:32He's got two GCEs.
01:04:34Derek, you've used up all your options, you've lost all your money.
01:04:42I'm afraid you're frozen out of the game.
01:04:44Janice, join me on the Rainbow Road.
01:04:45Hi there, hello, welcome, congratulations.
01:04:51Now, here's your pound, no-one goes home to his game, thank you, Randy.
01:04:55I'll get straight on with the first question, which is...
01:04:58I was certain...
01:05:02I was so certain it was Ravel.
01:05:05Roddy, you did your best.
01:05:06Yeah, yeah, I did, didn't I?
01:05:09And Del was okay, wasn't he?
01:05:11Yeah, till he kicked the podium over.
01:05:13No, no, I think that was just an accident.
01:05:16No, he kicked it, it fell over.
01:05:19Jonathan Ross had to pick it up.
01:05:28All right?
01:05:30Yeah, you?
01:05:32Who's Del?
01:05:33I haven't a clue, Rodney.
01:05:35At the end of the show, he disappeared.
01:05:37He just went off into the night and abandoned his child and his wife.
01:05:40His significant other.
01:05:43In an area of London we've never been in before.
01:05:45Oh, thank Christ.
01:05:48Thankfully, the studio paid for a cab home.
01:05:51I'm gonna make a coffee.
01:05:53Raquel?
01:05:54Don't.
01:05:55We're friends.
01:05:57God.
01:05:58I don't know why my dad didn't use Trigger as his SOS.
01:06:01Because Trigger wouldn't have had a clue.
01:06:03Oh, yeah, and he was spot on, weren't he?
01:06:05What the hell happened to you?
01:06:17I went out.
01:06:19Oh, good.
01:06:21Long as I know.
01:06:22How's your evening been, Rodney?
01:06:35Not very good, to be honest.
01:06:37Yeah.
01:06:38Bloody snap!
01:06:39Oh, my goodness.
01:06:42Well, I'm sorry.
01:06:43I could have sworn it was Ravel, and so could Cassandra, couldn't you?
01:06:46Yes, I could.
01:06:47Well, you're both a pair of dipsticks then, aren't you?
01:06:50Hey, you, you, you, you.
01:06:52You're never gonna borrow my Capri ever again, you.
01:06:54Oh, right.
01:06:55With that bone marrow.
01:06:56Right, you forget it.
01:06:56I mean, to say, I mean, everyone knows that Ravel makes shoes.
01:07:09What?
01:07:11Shoes?
01:07:11Yeah, shoes.
01:07:12It was a trick question, and you fell for it.
01:07:16Oh, right.
01:07:17Yes.
01:07:18Sorry.
01:07:20Still, at least you won a pound.
01:07:23A pound?
01:07:23Yeah, that wasn't even enough of a bust for our own, was it, eh?
01:07:26Anyway, I went out to some clubs after the show to drown my sorrows,
01:07:31and I was in this one particular club, and I was talking to this lap.
01:07:36Lap, lap, lap, laptop salesman.
01:07:40And even he said it wasn't Ravel.
01:07:44Would you like a drink, darling?
01:07:45No.
01:07:46Okay, fine.
01:07:47There you are.
01:07:47Now, you've done, you're upset.
01:07:49Don't you do it.
01:07:51You stay here, and thank you all.
01:07:56You know, for the rest of my life, getting that question wrong in front of my family,
01:08:02my friends, well, the entire British nation,
01:08:05it's going to be the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
01:08:09Russell Crowe?
01:08:10Yeah.
01:08:15Or maybe not.
01:08:21Hello?
01:08:23Yes?
01:08:24Can I ask who's calling, please?
01:08:29Bill.
01:08:29Hmm?
01:08:30It's the producer of Gold Rush.
01:08:31He wants to talk to you.
01:08:32Oh, no, what's he want?
01:08:33I bet it's about that podium.
01:08:35I bet someone has damaged it now, haven't they?
01:08:38All right, I'll speak to him.
01:08:41Hello?
01:08:42Yes, this is Derek Trotter.
01:08:45What?
01:08:47No.
01:08:49No?
01:08:52He said there's been a mistake.
01:08:53It was Ravel.
01:08:55No.
01:08:55No.
01:08:56I knew I was right.
01:08:57Yeah.
01:08:57He said I could take the £50,000 and go back on the show.
01:09:01Yes!
01:09:04Oh, have a day off, will you, you lot?
01:09:10Who do you think this is?
01:09:12Hey?
01:09:12Look, you can hear the jukebox in the pub.
01:09:15Bloody Nicky Pit.
01:09:16I'm going to murder you.
01:09:17No, no, no.
01:09:18Get in the back of the queue.
01:09:18Don't worry.
01:09:19Shh, shh, shh.
01:09:20Yeah, I'll tell you what we would like you to do.
01:09:23Give all the money to charity.
01:09:26Yeah?
01:09:26And if you phone here once again,
01:09:29I'm going to come down there
01:09:30and kick your ass into Shreddy Duck.
01:09:32Ha!
01:09:32Goodbye.
01:09:34See?
01:09:35That's it.
01:09:37Jonathan?
01:09:38What?
01:09:39He said give the £50,000 to charity.
01:09:43What a nice guy.
01:09:46Yes!
01:09:48Who do people think we are, eh?
01:09:51We're the Trotters, and we're back.
01:09:53Yes!
01:09:54Ha!
01:09:54Ha!
01:09:55Ha!
01:09:55Ha!
01:09:55Ha!
01:09:55Ha!
01:09:55Ha!
01:09:55Ha!
01:09:55Ha!
01:09:56Ha!
01:09:56Ha!
01:09:56Ha!
01:09:56Ha!
01:09:56Ha!
01:09:56Ha!
01:09:56Ha!
01:09:56Ha!
01:09:56Ha!
01:09:57Ha!
01:09:58Ha!
01:09:59Ha!
01:10:00Ha!
01:10:01Ha!
01:10:26Ha!
01:10:28Ha!
01:10:29Ha!
01:10:30Ha!
01:10:31Ha!
01:10:32Ha!
01:10:33Ha!
01:10:34Ha!
01:10:35Ha!
01:10:36Ha!
01:10:37Ha!
01:10:38Ha!
01:10:40Ha!
01:10:41Ha!
01:10:42Ha!
01:10:43Ha!
01:10:44Ha!
01:10:45Ha!
01:10:46Ha!
01:10:47Ha!
01:10:48Ha!
01:10:49Ha!
01:10:50Ha!
01:10:51Ha!
01:10:53Ha!
01:10:54Ha!
01:10:55Ha! Ha!
01:10:56We'll see you next time.
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