Only Fools And Horses S05E09 1988 - Dates. - video Dailymotion

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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S05E09 1988 - Dates.

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00:00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket

00:00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van

00:00:10Cause if you are the best

00:00:13But you don't ask questions

00:00:15Then brother, I'm your man

00:00:18Cause where it all comes from is a mystery

00:00:22It's like the changing of the seasons

00:00:24And the tides of the sea

00:00:26But is the one which drives me berserk

00:00:29Why do only fours and horses work

00:00:33La la la la

00:00:35La la la la la

00:00:37La la la la la

00:00:38La la la la la

00:00:40Have you got any idea how much money we made recently?

00:00:49Loads of bunts, Rodders, loads of bunts

00:00:52We have made nearly £2,000 in the last month

00:00:56Am I a genius or am I just a miracle worker?

00:01:01We sold over 400 of those ladies' electric razors

00:01:04I told you they'd sell, didn't I?

00:01:06You wouldn't think there was that much air about, would you?

00:01:08Here, you chuck all those bills and receipts down the chute

00:01:13I don't want no evidence left around the flats

00:01:14What's that dirty looking thing?

00:01:19That is your uncle, Rodney

00:01:20Please show a bit more respect

00:01:24Here, come on, uncle

00:01:26Get yourself a drink for celebrating

00:01:27That's all right, Jill

00:01:29This is from my old days, Rodney

00:01:31All those years ago when I used to sail the seven seas

00:01:34What is it, treasure?

00:01:39Just a few old photos and letters from my days in the Navy

00:01:42It's nothing much

00:01:43Just be memories

00:01:44Don't worry

00:01:46Rodney's chucking a whole load of gear down the chute in a minute

00:01:48He'll get rid of it for you

00:01:49This is the history of my life

00:01:51That's why I thought you'd want to get rid of it

00:01:53Is that you?

00:01:57Yeah

00:01:58That's when I first joined the Navy

00:02:0117 I was

00:02:03God, you ain't changed, don't you?

00:02:09What do you mean, he had a big white beard then?

00:02:11No, I mean he's wearing the same clothes

00:02:13What's the matter with you two dark sods?

00:02:17Well, we're celebrating we've had a blinding month

00:02:20What is all this?

00:02:23What's this here, look?

00:02:241941, my birthday party on board HMS Peerless

00:02:27Cool, I mean they look a right bunch of toe rags, Albert

00:02:30Yeah, that's me and some of my mates

00:02:32When we were serving out in the South China Sea

00:02:34Brave lads, Del

00:02:36Look at them

00:02:37Like steely-eyed young lions

00:02:39Yeah

00:02:39You look like Clarence the cross-eyed lion

00:02:42Well, I'd just been out to a nightclub

00:02:45To celebrate my birthday

00:02:46Who's this geezer in the G-string

00:02:48With a ruby through his belly?

00:02:50It's one of the dancing girls from the nightclub

00:02:54We sneaked her back to show around HMS Peerless

00:02:58You dirty old goat

00:03:00The captain used to call it a submarine hunter

00:03:05Well, she was nothing more than an old tug

00:03:08Yeah, she looks like a rough and ready girl

00:03:11I'm talking about HMS Peerless

00:03:14Oh, sorry

00:03:14Yeah, a few hours after that photo was taken

00:03:18We was in action

00:03:19Not surprised it took you that long

00:03:20Japanese sub was spotted in the area

00:03:26Cool, that's all you need, ain't it, eh?

00:03:28Yeah

00:03:28There was an American aircraft carrier

00:03:31Line offshore

00:03:32USS Pittsburgh

00:03:34Yeah, it was our job to protect her

00:03:37Well, we hadn't been sailing at Roberta now

00:03:40And we crashed right into her

00:03:41Oh, God, did not make a noise

00:03:44You went and whacked into the boat

00:03:47That you were going out to protect

00:03:48Yeah

00:03:49It was a good job she was there, actually

00:03:53She picked up most of the survivors

00:03:55Was your ship badly damaged?

00:04:01Couldn't tell, Roddy

00:04:02It sunk

00:04:03Of course, they tried to put the blame on me

00:04:07Yeah

00:04:08Well, sounds fair, doesn't it, eh?

00:04:10Just because I was on watch at the time

00:04:13I had my excuses ready

00:04:15What, you were drunk?

00:04:17The American vessel was at battle stations

00:04:20And was showing no lights

00:04:21They weren't allowed

00:04:22There was a war on

00:04:23Yeah, well, I know

00:04:24Of course it was

00:04:25So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities

00:04:28Like, er, er

00:04:30It was in broad daylight

00:04:31You didn't see an aircraft carrier

00:04:4242,000 tonnes of steel

00:04:48In broad daylight

00:04:51Well, I wasn't close enough

00:04:53Well, you must have been reasonably close, haven't you?

00:04:57It was a good more chance

00:04:59With Ray Charles in the crow's nest

00:05:01I mean, I wasn't up on deck

00:05:04I was in the radar room

00:05:06Watching the screen

00:05:06I couldn't make it in the tail

00:05:08It was all blibs and blobs

00:05:12The Japanese sub had it away a bit lively

00:05:15I suppose it didn't feel needed with you around

00:05:18Oi

00:05:22Did you get into trouble for it?

00:05:24Court-martial

00:05:25The papers were sent to Naval Headquarters, Singapore

00:05:28You were court-martialed?

00:05:30No

00:05:31As luck would have it

00:05:32Before my trial

00:05:33The Japanese invaded

00:05:35And I never heard another word about it

00:05:37And the blokes in my lifeboat

00:05:40Used to say I was unlucky

00:05:41That was a bit strong, wasn't it?

00:05:53Trying to court-martial him

00:05:54Well, he had just ruined a perfectly good aircraft carrier

00:05:57Yeah, I know, but it was his birthday

00:05:59Yeah, yeah, I forgot

00:06:02Oh, not for long, though

00:06:04Now, this picture was taken in 1941 on his birthday, right?

00:06:08Yeah

00:06:08You seen the date?

00:06:10Ahem

00:06:11It's in a couple of weeks' time, hasn't it?

00:06:15Yeah

00:06:15You don't think the ancient mariner was trying to let us know

00:06:19So he'd arrange a birthday treat, do you?

00:06:21Wash your mouth up with soap and water, Rodney

00:06:25Your Uncle Albert is not a crafty person

00:06:28He's as cunning as a lighthouse rat

00:06:32Sly old git

00:06:34So he wants a surprise for his birthday, does he?

00:06:38Why, what are you going to do?

00:06:41I don't know, yeah

00:06:42But I'll think of something to pull him up a bit lively

00:06:45We could give him one of them electric razors

00:06:49Yeah

00:06:49Why, I don't see

00:06:55Oh, Cammy's loved ones

00:07:01Saving me

00:07:04Why does he keep doing it, eh?

00:07:20Gould knows

00:07:21I suppose at some time in his life

00:07:23Someone told him he could play the piano

00:07:25Yeah

00:07:27I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing

00:07:29He's a trotter

00:07:32What more can you say about the man?

00:07:35A couple of years ago I went down to the local library

00:07:38And read some ancient manuscripts written by the elders of Peckham

00:07:41Did you know 500 years ago this was a green and peaceful area?

00:07:48The old Earl of Peckham had a castle

00:07:50Where the quick-fit exhaust centre now stands

00:07:52Flaxen-haired maidens used to dance round the village maypole of an evening

00:07:58And then one fateful medieval day

00:08:01The Trotter clan arrived in a stolen zephyr

00:08:04Before you knew it

00:08:08The flaxen-haired maidens were up the spout

00:08:10The old Earl had been sold some hooky armour

00:08:12And someone nicked a maypole

00:08:14About a hundred years after that

00:08:18The Black Death arrived in England

00:08:20The people of Peckham thought their luck had changed

00:08:24Here, talk of changing luck

00:08:27Look at this

00:08:28Oh my God

00:08:29Mate, all right Boise

00:08:30Well, I was

00:08:34There you go, Trent

00:08:35There's a scotch, mate

00:08:37How do you know I wanted a scotch?

00:08:39Because if I was dressed like that, I'd want a scotch

00:08:41Is this something to do with the new religion?

00:08:49I'm taking a lady out to lunch

00:08:51Are you sure?

00:08:54Yeah, positive

00:08:55I booked us a table at that little Italian place opposite

00:08:59I thought I'd better try and make an impression

00:09:01Well, you'll certainly do that

00:09:05And no worries, Trent

00:09:06Oh, thanks, boys

00:09:07Good morning, Michael

00:09:12Same again for Boise

00:09:14A non-alcoholic lager top for Rodney

00:09:17Malibu and Cherriade for moi

00:09:20Is it Comic Relief Day again?

00:09:27You know, it ain't Comic Relief Day, mate

00:09:30I've got a date

00:09:32Oh, well, you want to watch them stones

00:09:34Because they've got one called

00:09:35No, Dave

00:09:38I mean

00:09:38I've got a lunch date

00:09:40With a lady

00:09:41Are you sure?

00:09:44Yeah

00:09:45I've got to meet her in a couple of minutes

00:09:47I just popped in for some Dutch courage

00:09:49Well, who is you?

00:09:50Anyone we know?

00:09:51No, no, you don't know her

00:09:53Come to that, I don't know her either

00:09:55How do you mean, Chick?

00:09:57Well, these people arranged it for me

00:10:00The Technomatch Friendship and Maximilial Agency

00:10:06You haven't joined one of them computer dating firms, have you?

00:10:09Yeah

00:10:10They just opened up a shop down the high street

00:10:12So I thought they'd have 25 quids worth

00:10:14See what occurs

00:10:15So, what's this bird look like?

00:10:17Well, I don't know

00:10:18They don't show you pictures of each other

00:10:20Oh, that's a bit risky, isn't it?

00:10:22Well, that's her problem

00:10:23They fed all of my information into a computer

00:10:29And it came out with a woman who was compatible with me

00:10:32That's what I like about this agency

00:10:37You know where you stand with them

00:10:39They insist on honesty

00:10:40So you told them you were a road sweeper

00:10:43No

00:10:44I told them I was a bus inspector

00:10:46Why?

00:10:48To add a bit of glamour

00:10:50Ah, yeah

00:10:52Yeah, good idea

00:10:53Right then

00:10:56Here goes

00:10:57I'll see you later

00:11:00Well, rather him than me

00:11:16He's walking straight into the unknown

00:11:18It's a bit like that television programme, innit?

00:11:22Yeah

00:11:23Yeah

00:11:23You know, flying date

00:11:25Oh, I thought you meant that's my dog

00:11:28Marlene and Duke see them, what's that, you know

00:11:33Soppy as sacks of two of them

00:11:35The dog gets more questions right than her

00:11:39Michael

00:11:40Here

00:11:41Can I have a word about Albert?

00:11:43Ah

00:11:43Now, there's a coincidence, Del

00:11:45I wanted to have a little word with you about him as well

00:11:47He's not still singing in here of an evening, is he?

00:11:50Oh, no, no, no, no

00:11:51He's doing matinees now, Del

00:11:53My pie sales have fallen

00:11:55All right, all right

00:11:56Listen, I'll have a word with him

00:11:58Look

00:11:58Listen, I want you to do me a favour

00:11:59It's Albert's birthday in a couple of weeks' time

00:12:01And I want to throw a little party for him

00:12:02What?

00:12:03In here?

00:12:04Well, yeah, you know

00:12:05Just a few drinks

00:12:05A bit of grub and what have you

00:12:06No, no, no

00:12:07I'll stick 150 across the counter

00:12:09All right, Del

00:12:11Listen, you can have the pub on one condition

00:12:14He doesn't sing

00:12:16Fair enough, mate

00:12:17He doesn't use no bad language in front of the ladies

00:12:20Right-o, mate

00:12:21And he doesn't dance

00:12:23Got you, mate

00:12:23He tells no rude jokes

00:12:26Goes without saying, Michael

00:12:29And he don't drink too much

00:12:31I'll perish the thought

00:12:33He just sits down quietly, soberly

00:12:36And enjoys himself

00:12:38He's going to really look forward to this

00:12:42Thanks very much indeed

00:12:45No, I mean, he makes up more rules than the common market, that bloke

00:12:49No, be honest

00:12:50He's ruining this pub, isn't he?

00:12:51I honestly wouldn't know, Del boy

00:12:53I'm very rarely in here these days

00:12:55I spend most of my free time down at the lodge

00:12:58Oh, of course, the lodge

00:13:00What's it you become?

00:13:02A buffalo?

00:13:05I am not a buffalo

00:13:07I am a pucker mason

00:13:09Secret handshakes, initiation ceremonies, or works

00:13:12What do you want to join that bunch of dipsticks for?

00:13:16It is a great honour to be chosen

00:13:18It is not something you turn down lightly, Derek

00:13:21Oh, no

00:13:22It's changed my life

00:13:23I'm involved in a lot of charity work these days

00:13:27Helping the local needy and underprivileged

00:13:29It's got its good side as well, of course

00:13:32Us masons vow to help each other in business whenever humanly possible

00:13:38It sounds like a load of old snobs trying to clone another load of old snobs

00:13:42We're not snobs

00:13:43Anyone can join

00:13:45We come from all walks of life, right across the social spectrum

00:13:48We've got estate agents

00:13:50A judge

00:13:51A commissioner of police

00:13:52The mayor

00:13:53We've got all sorts

00:13:54Yeah, so's Bertie Bassett

00:13:56That is not all walks of life, boys

00:14:01Well, all right, all right

00:14:02We've got a television director

00:14:05Oh, yeah, and what does he do?

00:14:07Film the secret handshakes in case you wallies forget

00:14:09I'll see you in a minute

00:14:14I'm going to have a chat with Mickey and Jebben

00:14:15Yeah, all right

00:14:16Listen, I'm going to pop down the betting shop

00:14:17I'll pick you up later, all right

00:14:18Yeah, all right

00:14:18What is the matter with that boy?

00:14:21He's all social conscience

00:14:22Yeah, well, he's one of life's carers, isn't he?

00:14:27Reminds me a bit of my mum, doesn't he, you?

00:14:29Yeah

00:14:30Standing in the corner of a pub with two geezers

00:14:47I don't believe it

00:14:51That's a woman

00:14:54What, Janaris?

00:15:14Well, you made me jump

00:15:17It's only me

00:15:18Can I get you a drink?

00:15:21No, I've got one

00:15:22Oh

00:15:22I was wondering maybe you'd quite like to come out sometime during the week

00:15:31Where?

00:15:33I don't know, anywhere

00:15:34Who with?

00:15:36Come on, me

00:15:40Well, all right then

00:15:42I'll have to be during the day because I work in here most evenings

00:15:45I'll have to see if I can get a day off

00:15:48Well, you said you run the business

00:15:50Well, yeah, yeah, I do

00:15:52I do run the business

00:15:54But, you know, I don't like leaving Del in charge because he mucks my system up, you know

00:15:58Well, I'll find you on it then

00:16:01Yeah

00:16:01All right then

00:16:03See you in the week

00:16:05Yeah

00:16:05Go on, me

00:16:06Go on

00:16:10All right

00:16:11Pardon me

00:16:13How'd you get on with Mary's?

00:16:17Okay

00:16:17Bet you didn't get a date with her

00:16:19I'll save your money, Jevon, my man

00:16:22I'm taking her out next week

00:16:24How'd you manage that?

00:16:26I've been trying to date her for ages

00:16:27And bear in mind who's talking here

00:16:29I've had to employ a secretary to handle all my dates

00:16:33Rodney has got something you haven't got, Jevon

00:16:36It is a thing called machismo

00:16:38I've told you before

00:16:40Now this goes for macho men

00:16:43I have known Rodney a lot longer than you

00:16:48And he can be a right hard nut when he wants to be

00:16:51Well

00:16:53Muscle and sweat

00:16:55That is what Nerys goes for

00:16:57Yeah, but Rodney's no master of the universe, is he?

00:17:00But he has the aura of inner strength

00:17:02It's because I'm wiry, you see

00:17:05Nerys likes guys who live their lives at 100 miles an hour

00:17:10And they reckon when she's hot, she is hot

00:17:13The only guy that can put her out is where they're there

00:17:16And he's too expensive

00:17:17Yeah, well I think you should treat her chick with consideration, you know

00:17:20And that is why you'll never get a date with Nerys, Jevon

00:17:22She prefers a bunch of fives to a bunch of flowers

00:17:25My main man here plays his cards right

00:17:30See you, big guy

00:17:32Hey

00:17:33Take care

00:17:34Yeah

00:17:36Trust that man, Rodney Totter's just got himself a date

00:17:48And we've convinced him she likes really tough macho men

00:17:51Who's the bird then?

00:17:52Nerys

00:17:53What?

00:17:56Nervous Nerys

00:17:57Yes

00:17:58So, can you tell me, what kind of person are you looking for?

00:18:14Well, bird

00:18:19Yes, but are there any particular requirements?

00:18:23Yeah, local bird

00:18:24I don't want to do too much of that driving, Lark

00:18:26So, you're not looking for a special type of person?

00:18:29Well, she's got to be a bit of a sort

00:18:31A bit of a sort

00:18:34Yeah, you know

00:18:36Everything in the right place, you know

00:18:38Oh yeah, and she must be a bit refined

00:18:41Must she?

00:18:42Oh yeah

00:18:42I don't want you lumbering me with some old bow wow

00:18:45Who don't know the difference between a leaf brown milk and a can of tiser

00:18:48Quite

00:18:50Because I'm a bit of a culture vulture myself, you know

00:18:53Ah, a man of the arts

00:18:56Oh yeah, she can't whack it

00:18:57And you can tell the lucky lady she is guaranteed a steak meal

00:19:01A steak meal

00:19:03Guaranteed

00:19:06Do you want to put that on your floppy disk or what?

00:19:11Yes, I'll make a note

00:19:13A steak meal

00:19:17Now, please don't feel pressurised by this next question

00:19:22We're not trying to force you into any decision or commitment

00:19:25The question is simply asked to protect our clients

00:19:28Yes, go on, fire away

00:19:29I've got nothing to hide

00:19:30What exactly do you seek from this proposed introduction?

00:19:33Is it simply friendship?

00:19:38Yeah, yeah, friendship

00:19:38Yeah, that'll do for a start

00:19:39Yeah, yeah

00:19:40No, no, no, no

00:19:41What I'm getting at is

00:19:42Do you see this leading to a more permanent relationship

00:19:44Or even marriage?

00:19:46Oi, slow down

00:19:47Slow down, John

00:19:48Oi, oi, oi

00:19:49You haven't even sorted me one out yet

00:19:50No, no, no, no

00:19:51Just say friendship

00:19:52That'll do for a start

00:19:53Go on

00:19:53Yes, of course, fine

00:19:54Well, let's see what surprises the computer has in store for you

00:19:58I'll just feed your information into our main computer

00:20:01Ah, now there's a lady here who may suit

00:20:06Obviously a refined lady

00:20:08She's on the board of governors of an arts fund committee

00:20:1138 years old

00:20:13Knocking on a bit, isn't she?

00:20:16Yes, she's widowed

00:20:17And her late husband was a stockbroker

00:20:21No, I don't think you're right for each other

00:20:26No, no, no, no, no, no

00:20:27Just too really, just too really

00:20:28Don't jump in the gun

00:20:29I'll give you a bash if she will

00:20:30No, she's a rather sensitive person

00:20:32She's what, it's right up my street, isn't it?

00:20:34Yes, but she specified a non-smoker

00:20:37Well, you win some, you lose some, don't you?

00:20:44Now, this looks more promising

00:20:45Young lady, 30 years old

00:20:47Something of a career woman

00:20:49Yeah, go on, go on

00:20:50Yes, she's an actress

00:20:51Yeah

00:20:52Is she famous?

00:20:55I wouldn't have thought so, would you?

00:20:57No, no, no

00:20:58It might be, er

00:21:01It might be a nice introduction

00:21:02Seeing as you share a common interest

00:21:04What's that?

00:21:07The arts?

00:21:08Oh, yes, yes

00:21:09Right, yeah

00:21:10Perfect

00:21:11Well then, er

00:21:12Well, where do we meet, you know

00:21:14And how do we recognise each other?

00:21:15That's always assuming that the young lady fancies it

00:21:18And what do you say her name again was?

00:21:19Er, Miss Turner

00:21:21Raquel Turner

00:21:22Raquel?

00:21:24Raquel

00:21:27Do you know that Raquel is my most favourite name?

00:21:31How fortunate

00:21:31In the present social climate

00:21:34We recommend that the first meeting is during the day

00:21:36A lunch appointment, something like that

00:21:38After that, it's entirely up to the two clients

00:21:41A good meeting place is under the main clock at Waterloo Station

00:21:44It's rather traditional and, in its way, quite romantic

00:21:47It evokes memories of Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson

00:21:51We suggest that the gentleman carries a bunch of flowers as a point of recognition

00:21:55And as a gift for the lady

00:21:57Oh, right

00:21:58Did they hit it off?

00:22:02Who?

00:22:03Or this Trevor and Celia sort?

00:22:07Yes, yes

00:22:08Ah, cushy

00:22:09Right, well, you get on a blower

00:22:10And give Raquel the old SP

00:22:12Oh, and tell her to keep on her toes

00:22:14Because the last girl I met at Waterloo Station got mugged on the escalator

00:22:17Yes, I'll, um, I'll tell her

00:22:22When, or indeed if, you and Miss Turner should meet

00:22:26We do emphasise the importance of complete honesty

00:22:29There is very little future in fabrication or deceit

00:22:32No, no, no, I agree

00:22:34Yeah, no, we've got to be right up front with each other

00:22:36Good

00:22:36Now, I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you for the £25 membership fee

00:22:40Right

00:22:41I'm sorry, I've forgotten

00:22:43Is there an E on the end of your name?

00:22:45No, no, no, E

00:22:46It's Duval

00:22:47Derek Duval

00:22:49Thanks very much for your opinion

00:22:52Thanks for phoning in

00:22:53I'd like now to move on to Wembley, Middlesex

00:22:56John Gordon

00:22:57Hi, John

00:22:58Hi

00:22:58Right, John, you saw the programme

00:23:00What was your opinion on this?

00:23:01I thought it was a 8-5

00:23:02Against the FAS

00:23:15You going out?

00:23:21Now I'm going to bleed the brakes on the van

00:23:23Of course I'm going out

00:23:27What is it, a special occasion?

00:23:30Could be, Uncle, could be

00:23:31You never can tell

00:23:32I thought it might be one of your mate's birthdays or something

00:23:37No, no, it's nothing like that

00:23:39I'm taking a young lady out to lunch

00:23:40When I was a lad, I had some smashing birthday parties

00:23:44But when you get to my age, nobody bothers

00:23:47Yeah, I know, it's a bark, isn't it, eh?

00:23:51Yeah

00:23:51So who's the bird?

00:23:54It's not a bird

00:23:54It's an actress

00:23:56Yeah?

00:23:57Yeah

00:23:57Who?

00:23:59Raquel Turner

00:24:00Don't ring a bell

00:24:02What's she been in?

00:24:04Oh, loads of things

00:24:05I can't remember them off the top of my head

00:24:06What's she look like?

00:24:08Oh, well, she's a

00:24:10You know, it's rather difficult to describe her

00:24:13Well, is she tall, short, dark, fair, fat or thin?

00:24:18Look, she's an actress

00:24:19She keeps changing her appearance

00:24:21How are you going to recognise her, then?

00:24:24Look, I'll recognise her

00:24:26Just don't keep going on about it, will you?

00:24:28Yeah

00:24:28If you've got anything for the laundrette

00:24:30Go and get it now

00:24:31No, it's not your watching day to day, is it?

00:24:33No, but Rodney's going out as well

00:24:35I don't want to sit in this flat on me own

00:24:37All right

00:24:38Hello, Miss Turner

00:24:47May I say

00:24:47How do you do, Miss Turner?

00:24:55May I say how very pleased I am to meet you?

00:24:59I've mired your work for many years

00:25:01May I call you Raquel?

00:25:05Raquel is one of my most favourite names

00:25:08Yeah

00:25:10My old joie de vivre will knock a bandit

00:25:14Now then, a quick livener, I think

00:25:17And then off we go

00:25:18Now then, where is it?

00:25:19Where is that?

00:25:20Jeff...

00:25:50You're still here, then?

00:25:51Just about, just about.

00:25:54I thought you got a date with that nearest bird.

00:25:56Yeah, I have.

00:25:58Well, you'd better hurry up and get changed, don't you?

00:26:02I am changed.

00:26:04We're going out like that?

00:26:06Well, what's wrong with me?

00:26:07Well, you look like an hooligan.

00:26:10It is the fashion.

00:26:12Haven't you read about it?

00:26:13It's called the James Dean look.

00:26:16Yeah, but when they said the James Dean look,

00:26:18they meant before the crash.

00:26:20I can't see you getting very far with that nearest bird,

00:26:25dressed like that.

00:26:26Oi, you just keep it out, right?

00:26:28You let me lead my own life.

00:26:30All right, all right.

00:26:31Maybe she goes for blokes who look like Barney Rubble.

00:26:36I thought you were going out.

00:26:38I am going out.

00:26:40Well, hurry up and change.

00:26:41I'll take those clothes down the Lord's neck for you.

00:26:44I am wearing these clothes.

00:26:47Yeah?

00:26:48Huh?

00:26:48Where are you taking her then, scrubbing?

00:26:52Jill boy's going out to lunch with a world-famous actress.

00:26:55Yeah.

00:26:56You got my socks and pants in there?

00:26:58Yeah, I've got them, boy.

00:26:59See you later.

00:27:00Yeah.

00:27:00So, who is it then?

00:27:05Meryl Streep?

00:27:06No.

00:27:08Raquel Turner.

00:27:10Are you kidding me?

00:27:12No, straight up.

00:27:15The Raquel Turner.

00:27:16Well, yeah.

00:27:22Have you heard of her?

00:27:24No.

00:27:32Has she been in anything?

00:27:33Yes, loads of things, but nothing that you would have seen her in, Rodney.

00:27:37And what's that supposed to mean?

00:27:38She has not been on top of the pops or repeats a Batman.

00:27:45Where are you taking her then?

00:27:46I am meeting her at Waterloo Station.

00:27:49And I have booked a table for lunch at the Hilton Hotel Park Lane.

00:27:57Are you taking the van?

00:28:01No, I am not taking the van.

00:28:03Where would you meet an actress?

00:28:07A friend of mine's in show business.

00:28:08He's introduced us.

00:28:10Oh, no, wait a minute.

00:28:12The other day, Albert took a call for you.

00:28:13That was from some agency.

00:28:16Oh, yeah.

00:28:16Oh, was it?

00:28:19Is your mate an agent?

00:28:20Yeah.

00:28:20Oh, yeah, that's right.

00:28:21Yes, he's a show business agent.

00:28:22Yeah, that's it.

00:28:23Oh, bloody hell, do you wait till I tell the others?

00:28:26Oi, any chance of an autograph?

00:28:28Yeah, no problem.

00:28:29I'll get you hers as well.

00:28:30Um, Bill, you don't think you might be being a little bit, well, ostentatious?

00:28:40Well, maybe, but I can afford it.

00:28:43Yeah, but, I mean, well, you know, the Hilton and all that.

00:28:47You don't think you're being a teensy-weensy bit over the top, do you?

00:28:51Because, I mean, she's an actress, isn't she?

00:28:52She's about to be cool and laid back.

00:28:57Rodney, give me credit for having some savvy.

00:28:59I do know that a woman like Raquel appreciates the subtle approach.

00:29:05I have played the game before.

00:29:07I do know what I'm doing.

00:29:11Yeah, of course you do.

00:29:13Well, best of luck, eh?

00:29:15Cheers, bruv.

00:29:16Right on the door for us, Rodney, will you?

00:29:27It's this.

00:29:28Come on.

00:29:29Cheers, bruv.

00:29:42.

00:29:45.

00:29:49.

00:29:52.

00:29:55.

00:29:57.

00:29:59.

00:30:01.

00:30:05.

00:30:08Hi.

00:30:10Is this a free world van?

00:30:12Well, it was the last time I counted.

00:30:14I've never been in a free world van before.

00:30:17Well, then you have never lived, Nerys.

00:30:19It's a bit, um...

00:30:21What's the word?

00:30:23Smelly.

00:30:25That is the odour of honest toil and sweat, Nerys.

00:30:29So, where do you fancy going?

00:30:31I don't mind.

00:30:32Well, you just name your destination.

00:30:34I don't care.

00:30:35Well, so there's nowhere special?

00:30:37No.

00:30:38Anywhere.

00:30:39Well, shall we take in a movie?

00:30:42I don't fancy the pictures.

00:30:44Well, how about a drink?

00:30:45No.

00:30:46The pubs around here are horrible.

00:30:48Do you fancy an hamburger?

00:30:50I've just had my dinner.

00:30:51Well, where do you want to go, then?

00:30:53I don't mind anywhere.

00:30:55Well, no, that's cool, Nerys.

00:30:57We'll just cruise.

00:30:59What, in a three-wheel van?

00:31:01Yes.

00:31:02Yes.

00:31:03This will be an experience you will never forget, Nerys.

00:31:06Hm.

00:31:10I don't mind your things are down.

00:31:14No, I don't.

00:31:15Get out quick before it catches fire!

00:31:17I don't mind your moving.

00:31:19Oh, yeah!

00:31:20Go!

00:31:21Go!

00:31:22Go, go!

00:31:23Go, go, go!

00:31:27Hello.

00:31:29Hello, love!

00:31:34Hello.

00:31:44Hello, love.

00:31:46Well, I mean, you're not Raquel, are you?

00:31:48I can be anyone you want me to be.

00:31:52What I mean is you're not an actress, are you?

00:31:54Well, I've played a few demanding roles in my time.

00:31:58There's a very nice little hotel round the corner.

00:32:01Why don't we go and discuss it there?

00:32:03No, sorry, it's all right, there's been a mistake.

00:32:05You know, it's my fault entirely. Sorry.

00:32:07Oh.

00:32:09You're one of those who just likes to talk, aren't you?

00:32:15No, no, there's been a mistake, a genuine mistake, right?

00:32:17I'm waiting for someone and I thought that you...

00:32:20I'm beginning to lose my rag with you, sweetheart.

00:32:24Now, I'm going to count to ten, right?

00:32:26Then I'm going to shove these flowers right up your...

00:32:29You'll realise that will be extra.

00:32:38No, stop.

00:32:41See you, darling.

00:32:44Go.

00:32:53Come on, Jane!

00:32:53What's that?

00:33:00What's that?

00:33:01What's that funny, man?

00:33:03I've got a rabbit!

00:33:05Swim on that!

00:33:07Come on, Dave.

00:33:10Why aren't you frightened?

00:33:11Why then, punks?

00:33:14No way.

00:33:15I'm going to get you.

00:33:33Hello.

00:33:38Look, he nearly nicked one of your mates just now,

00:33:40so I'd have it away on your toes if I were you.

00:33:42Is it Derek?

00:33:46Raquel?

00:33:47Yes.

00:33:48Oh.

00:33:49Hi.

00:33:49Hello.

00:33:50Hello.

00:33:51I'm sorry, sorry about that.

00:33:52No, no, I should apologise for being so late.

00:33:55You know what these trains are like.

00:33:56Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:33:57Have you been waiting long?

00:33:59Well, since about ten o'clock this morning.

00:34:02No, no, no, it's a joke.

00:34:03It's just a joke.

00:34:06Oh, sorry, er, these are for you.

00:34:09Oh, we shouldn't have gone to all this expense.

00:34:16May we, may we.

00:34:20Well, um, I've booked a table at my most favourite restaurant,

00:34:23if that is all right with you.

00:34:24Oh, yes, sounds lovely.

00:34:26Right.

00:34:27Well, your carriage awaits.

00:34:37This is a bit like Brief Encounter, isn't it?

00:34:40Do you reckon?

00:34:43That's my favourite film.

00:34:45Oh, yeah.

00:34:46Oh, yeah, and, er, yeah, and it's mine.

00:34:48Yeah, mine.

00:34:49Really?

00:34:50Yeah.

00:34:50My favourite bit is when the big spaceship comes down

00:34:55and all the little Martians come out.

00:34:58That's Close Encounters.

00:35:02Yeah, I love it.

00:35:09I always thought you were such a quiet person.

00:35:12I don't want you to go to watch, Nerys.

00:35:14But just now, you were so, well, tough.

00:35:17I'll get by.

00:35:21I've lived in these streets too long to be frightened.

00:35:25Those punks back here,

00:35:26they're used to people running scared from them.

00:35:28I don't scare me.

00:35:30This is my jungle,

00:35:32and I'm at the top of the tree.

00:35:43What's wrong, Lodney?

00:35:45Nothing.

00:35:47Why are we going so fast?

00:35:52I love speed.

00:35:53You said we were going to cruise.

00:35:55Yeah, but I like to cruise quickly.

00:36:08And, er,

00:36:09that's for what?

00:36:11Sorry about that.

00:36:15I had to get a message to a friend.

00:36:17Oh, that's OK.

00:36:24Well, go on, get stuck in.

00:36:26Don't wait for me.

00:36:27Oh, this is wonderful.

00:36:43Well, you can't go wrong here.

00:36:44I hope you don't mind me saying this, Radcol,

00:36:49but, what,

00:36:50I'm a bit surprised to find someone like you,

00:36:52you know, attractive and talented,

00:36:53you know,

00:36:54at a computer dating agency.

00:36:56Well, I might say the same about you.

00:36:58A successful person,

00:37:00managing director of his own import-export business.

00:37:03How did you go to me?

00:37:05Don't know, really.

00:37:06I suppose I was grabbing at straws, really.

00:37:11I've been married before,

00:37:12and that was a disaster.

00:37:14And I've had, you know,

00:37:16relationships with men,

00:37:17which have always ended unhappily.

00:37:19Maybe it's been the same for you.

00:37:21No, blokes don't do a lot for me.

00:37:24You know what I mean.

00:37:26I found I used to take my relationships seriously.

00:37:29Used to plan stupid things like that.

00:37:32But they were just playing a game.

00:37:33Anyway, when I saw the agency's advertisement,

00:37:36I thought,

00:37:37why not?

00:37:39At least I knew I'd been meeting someone

00:37:40who wanted me to be there.

00:37:42Was it the same for you?

00:37:44Oh, yeah, exactly, yeah.

00:37:45And I just thought,

00:37:46you know,

00:37:47that you'd be meeting lots of people,

00:37:48you know,

00:37:48on the film sets and that sort of thing.

00:37:51Look,

00:37:52I've got to be honest with you.

00:37:55The agency asked me what I did for a living,

00:37:57so I said I was an actress.

00:37:59Well, I suppose that's what I am.

00:38:00I'm a member of the union, at least.

00:38:03I had one line in a Doctor Who

00:38:05about ten years ago.

00:38:07I was a lizard person.

00:38:10Well, I've done fringe theatre,

00:38:12that sort of thing,

00:38:12but I never got the chance to make it.

00:38:16Well, I gave it all up for nine years

00:38:17while I was married.

00:38:19My husband was one of those old-fashioned types

00:38:21who thought there should only be one breadwinner.

00:38:23Yeah, my dad was like that.

00:38:25He used to get up at six every morning

00:38:26to make sure my mum got to work.

00:38:27No, straight up.

00:38:32Anyway,

00:38:33recently I've tried to pick up my career

00:38:35for what it was,

00:38:36but I can't see me ever doing anything.

00:38:38Au contraire, Reckettel.

00:38:39Au contraire.

00:38:41This time next year,

00:38:42you'll be a star.

00:38:43Oh, come on.

00:38:44No, she who dares wins.

00:38:46That is my motto.

00:38:48No matter what's happened in our lives,

00:38:49I've always said that to my kid brother.

00:38:50I said,

00:38:51Rodney,

00:38:52I said,

00:38:52this time next year,

00:38:53we'd be millionaires.

00:38:54Look at you now.

00:38:57Yeah,

00:38:57look at me now.

00:38:59No,

00:38:59the secret is,

00:39:00if you want something bad enough,

00:39:02you'll get it.

00:39:02As long as you don't stop believing.

00:39:05This is nice.

00:39:08It's a lovely feeling of,

00:39:10I don't know,

00:39:11honesty.

00:39:14Yeah, well,

00:39:15that's what it's all about, isn't it?

00:39:18Mr Duval.

00:39:19Yes?

00:39:19I'm terribly sorry to bother you, sir.

00:39:21There's an important call

00:39:22from your New York office.

00:39:23Oh, thank you very much, Charles.

00:39:25Sorry about this.

00:39:26Please,

00:39:26there's no problem.

00:39:32Charles,

00:39:33would you tell them

00:39:33I'm not busy?

00:39:34Of course, sir.

00:39:35Please,

00:39:35don't do this for me.

00:39:37No, no,

00:39:37I'm enjoying the company.

00:39:39And I'm not going to have it spoiled

00:39:40by some soppy problem in New York.

00:39:43These yanks

00:39:44are going to have to learn

00:39:45to make decisions for themselves.

00:39:48To success.

00:39:49Thank you, John.

00:40:10When the agency phoned

00:40:12and mentioned you,

00:40:12I was really excited.

00:40:14They said you're a man of the arts.

00:40:15And it's not that often

00:40:16that you meet someone

00:40:17who's interested in the theatre.

00:40:18Oh, yeah,

00:40:19I love it.

00:40:20Going into a theatre

00:40:21is so exhilarating.

00:40:22Just the feel of the place.

00:40:24Mmm.

00:40:25Gets me going and all.

00:40:27You can't whack a good play,

00:40:28can you?

00:40:29Did you see the RSC's production

00:40:31of Moliere's Le Misanthro?

00:40:32No, I think it was out.

00:40:37Oh, out of the country?

00:40:38Yeah, oh, yeah,

00:40:39that's, yeah,

00:40:40I was away on business.

00:40:41You missed something wonderful.

00:40:43Mmm.

00:40:44Mmm.

00:40:44I don't know,

00:40:45I was gutted.

00:40:46I think, um,

00:40:48sort of play you like,

00:40:49then, is it?

00:40:50Not really.

00:40:51I like anything to do

00:40:52with entertainment.

00:40:54When I was a kid,

00:40:55my mum sent me

00:40:56to tap dancing lessons.

00:40:57I loved it.

00:40:59When I was about 17,

00:41:01another girl and me

00:41:02formed a pop duo.

00:41:03Double Cream,

00:41:04we called ourselves.

00:41:05We were rotten.

00:41:06Mmm.

00:41:07But that's what I mean,

00:41:08I like anything.

00:41:09Pop music to heavy drama.

00:41:11I don't know about you,

00:41:12but I just love

00:41:12the works of Shaw.

00:41:13Oh, yeah.

00:41:15Like a puppet, honestly.

00:41:19You're just putting me on.

00:41:20Oh, thank you, John.

00:41:27Hold it.

00:41:32Mmm.

00:41:35Mmm.

00:41:45I've really enjoyed

00:41:46this afternoon.

00:41:47Oh, so have I.

00:41:48Mmm.

00:41:49Do you fancy

00:41:53going out Saturday night?

00:41:54Saturday?

00:41:54No, I can't make Saturday.

00:41:57That's all right.

00:41:57Oh, you know,

00:41:58I just thought I'd ask.

00:41:59No, let me explain.

00:42:00I'm always busy

00:42:01on Friday and Saturday nights

00:42:02at drama class.

00:42:04Oh, drama class.

00:42:06I teach.

00:42:08Oh, right.

00:42:08Mmm.

00:42:09What about, um,

00:42:11well, about Monday night, then?

00:42:12I'd love to.

00:42:13Hmm.

00:42:14Right.

00:42:15Good.

00:42:16Well, wish I meet you, then.

00:42:18Why don't you come round the flat?

00:42:20Oh, yeah.

00:42:21Okay.

00:42:22Actually, you don't have to worry

00:42:23about letting me into the flat.

00:42:24I'm not a pervo or anything like that.

00:42:26I figured that one out.

00:42:29Oh.

00:42:29Mmm.

00:42:30Mmm.

00:42:31I feel terrible.

00:42:32I've kept you away from your business.

00:42:34Nah, that's all right.

00:42:35My brother handles things

00:42:36when I'm not there.

00:42:37I feel terrible.

00:42:49I'm not a perv,

00:42:55I'm not a perv,

00:42:59I'll get his number.

00:43:10I don't believe it.

00:43:12They only gave me this yesterday.

00:43:14Did you get him?

00:43:15No, he was going too fast.

00:43:17But there can't be too many yellow three-wheel bands around here.

00:43:20That's right.

00:43:21I'll get him.

00:43:22You see if I don't.

00:43:23You, I don't ever do that again.

00:43:53What's wrong, Nellie's?

00:43:58Nellie's?

00:44:05Do you want another brandy?

00:44:07No, no, I'm fine, thanks, I'm fine.

00:44:10Please, sit down.

00:44:11Oh, right.

00:44:12Here, listen, you didn't have to go and cook a meal and what have you.

00:44:15I said I was going to take you out with dinner.

00:44:17And I said it's my way of saying thank you for the other lunchtime.

00:44:21Well, it was really lovely.

00:44:23You know, thank you.

00:44:25Do you think your car will be all right out there?

00:44:28We get a lot of vandalism around here.

00:44:30Oh, yeah, that's why I didn't bring the car.

00:44:31I mean, you leave a Ferrari out there and see what you come back to.

00:44:35Oh, good.

00:44:42I say, these flowers lasted well, weren't they?

00:44:45I'm not throwing them away.

00:44:47They're my memories of a lovely day.

00:44:49Do you want some coffee?

00:44:59Yes, please.

00:44:59I like you.

00:45:14I like you.

00:45:16Good.

00:45:18Look at the state of this wall.

00:45:20Yeah, it's horrible, isn't it?

00:45:21Yeah, listen, I wanted to ask you something.

00:45:27Del, wait a while, eh?

00:45:32See how we're feeling.

00:45:34No, no, no, not there.

00:45:36No, it's all blimey.

00:45:37No, no.

00:45:38No, it's just that I had this idea that I might help you and I just wanted to talk to you about it.

00:45:43But, um, you see, I've got a friend who's a mason.

00:45:48Oh, I don't need a mason.

00:45:49A plaster can do that.

00:45:52No, no, no, no.

00:45:53I don't mean a stone mason.

00:45:54I mean a masonic mason.

00:45:56You know, it's...

00:45:57No, come in here, come in here.

00:45:59Let me talk to you about it.

00:45:59Come on, come on.

00:46:00Put that down, leave it.

00:46:05Sit down, sit down.

00:46:07Now, you're a talented actress, right?

00:46:11Says who?

00:46:12Just me, I can tell these things.

00:46:14But life has never given you a decent break.

00:46:16And it doesn't matter how clever you are, you can never prove yourself until someone gives you that break, right?

00:46:22Yeah.

00:46:23Right.

00:46:25Well, my friend's fellow mason is a television director, right?

00:46:31So if I become a mason, I can get him to give you that break.

00:46:36You know, put you in a show.

00:46:38But why would he do that?

00:46:39He doesn't even know me.

00:46:40No, no, he doesn't have to.

00:46:41You see, mason's, they have to do favours for each other.

00:46:44You know, so he couldn't refuse to help me.

00:46:46But what favour would you do him?

00:46:49Well, I don't know.

00:46:49I'd drop him a monkey or something.

00:46:52Don't worry, he'd be as sweet as a nut.

00:46:54You'd actually join the masons just to help me.

00:46:57Oh, yeah.

00:46:58Well, I mean, it's no sweat, I mean, you know, it's only the masons, it's not like the moonies or nothing.

00:47:09Now, they chuck a good dinner and dance and all, you know.

00:47:12But I'd be cheating, wouldn't I?

00:47:14No, of course you wouldn't be cheating.

00:47:16I'd do all that for you.

00:47:18No, I mean, I'd be using inside influence to further my career.

00:47:22Well, it's the name of the game, isn't it?

00:47:23It's who you know.

00:47:25I mean, you can't hang about for another three years waiting to be discovered.

00:47:28You've got to get in now before you pass your cell-by date.

00:47:32Perhaps.

00:47:32No, no, no, you know what I mean, you know what I mean.

00:47:35I mean, this is your first opportunity.

00:47:39It could be your last.

00:47:40You've got to get in now while the going's good.

00:47:42She who dares wins.

00:47:46Well, I'll leave it up to you, Del, whatever you think best.

00:47:52All right, you do the coffee.

00:47:54And I'll do the bizzo.

00:47:58Do you think it'll work?

00:48:01Yeah, of course it will be a piece of cake.

00:48:03They've been begging me to join their lodge for years,

00:48:05but I've always given them a blank.

00:48:12Get out of there, Duke!

00:48:16Get out!

00:48:19Daddy will be cross!

00:48:23Marlene!

00:48:24That dog is in my aquarium again!

00:48:28I've told him to get out, but he don't take any notice!

00:48:32He'll take some bloody notice when I put Piranha in there!

00:48:37You're the master of the earth!

00:48:39You get him out!

00:48:41Hello, this is Boyce.

00:48:42Hello, Marlene.

00:48:44It's Del Boy.

00:48:45How are you, sweetheart?

00:48:46Oh, hello, Del.

00:48:48How's Trix?

00:48:49Never been better.

00:48:50Is the old man about?

00:48:51Yeah, unfortunately.

00:48:52I'll get him for you.

00:48:53Oh, Del, when you're finished, don't put the receiver down.

00:48:57I want to have a word with you about Albert's birthday.

00:48:59Oh, God.

00:49:03It's this Friday, innit?

00:49:05Um, Raquel?

00:49:07Listen, we've got a bit of a celebration going on this Friday.

00:49:11Do you fancy it?

00:49:12Not Friday.

00:49:13I'm at drama class.

00:49:15Oh, yeah.

00:49:16I mean, couldn't you knock it on the edge just for this week?

00:49:18Like, you know, I'd like you to meet my family.

00:49:21Honest, I can't.

00:49:22We're in the final rehearsal.

00:49:24Anyway, I'm no good at meeting families.

00:49:25I always say something stupid.

00:49:28You haven't met my family.

00:49:34Hello.

00:49:35Hello, Boise.

00:49:36Del Boy.

00:49:38Yeah, listen.

00:49:39I want you to do me a very big favour.

00:49:42I want you to recommend me for membership to your Masonic Lodge.

00:49:49What's the matter, Del?

00:49:50Someone slipped some angel dust in your pina colada?

00:49:53No, no, no, no.

00:49:54No, only the most respected members of our society can join my lodge.

00:50:00You said they'd take anyone?

00:50:01Yeah, well, it wouldn't stretch to you.

00:50:03You'd be blackballed at the first go.

00:50:05Oh, leave it out, boss.

00:50:06You'd be a doddle.

00:50:07One of my best friends is a member.

00:50:09Who?

00:50:09You.

00:50:10Oh.

00:50:11Oh, no, no, Del.

00:50:13I couldn't possibly consider proposing someone like you.

00:50:16No, listen, Boise, I'd be a very good Mason.

00:50:19You know, I can prove it.

00:50:21Masons are supposed to do each other favours, right?

00:50:23Well, you do me the favour of proposing me, and I'll do one for you.

00:50:27And what might that be?

00:50:28I won't tell Marlene about that little bird in Sheffield.

00:50:34You wouldn't.

00:50:36Try me.

00:50:38No, no, no, Del, no.

00:50:40You may be many things, but you are not a grass.

00:50:42So I don't think we've got anything else to say to each other.

00:50:45Bye for now.

00:50:46Don't put that phone down.

00:50:47I want to talk to him about Albert's birthday.

00:50:50Del, what do you think he'd be like for a present?

00:50:56Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:50:58Yeah, I do know that he does like a bit of fishing, right?

00:51:02And he was talking about getting himself a proper angler's knife.

00:51:05But it must be made of Sheffield steel.

00:51:10Sheffield?

00:51:11Can you say that phone?

00:51:19Yes, Boisey.

00:51:20Thank you, boys.

00:51:23Bye.

00:51:24Bye.

00:51:25Bye.

00:51:51Bye.

00:51:52Bye.

00:51:53Look at that daft old twonk, look.

00:51:58Be grateful for small mercies.

00:52:00The Queen has two birthdays a year.

00:52:01That's true.

00:52:02Adele promised me, mate.

00:52:05What can I do, Michael?

00:52:06You've given him too much to drink, haven't you?

00:52:08He's started to slur his words now.

00:52:10He's almost offended some of the ladies.

00:52:12How do you mean?

00:52:13Well, he wanted a rum and black.

00:52:16He ordered a bum and rack.

00:52:18You want to cross your fingers he doesn't fancy a buck's fizz, Michael.

00:52:23So come on then, tell us.

00:52:27What happened down at Boyce's Masonic looks last night, eh?

00:52:29Oh, yeah.

00:52:31Well, let's go down and meet the committee members, you know,

00:52:33and try and make a good impression, you know what I mean?

00:52:34Yeah.

00:52:35So are you a mason then?

00:52:37No, no, no, no, not yet.

00:52:38The committee are disgusting me this evening.

00:52:41But as Boyce's said, there's always a chance that I could be blackballed.

00:52:45What's that, party initiation ceremony?

00:52:48No, no, no, no.

00:52:49You see, each committee member has one white ball and one black ball.

00:52:56And to vote, they have to put one of their balls in the bag.

00:53:01Snooker balls.

00:53:02Yes.

00:53:03That's all.

00:53:04And when I empty the bag, if all the balls are white,

00:53:07well, that's it, that's all right, doesn't mean you're in.

00:53:09If there's one black ball, just one, that's it.

00:53:11Like, you're out, you know.

00:53:13Are you doing all this for Raquel?

00:53:15Yeah.

00:53:16Yeah.

00:53:16No, you know.

00:53:18She's worth it, Robert.

00:53:19Oh, can't wait to meet her.

00:53:21Is she coming down here tonight?

00:53:22No, no, she can't.

00:53:23She's rehearsing.

00:53:24Yeah?

00:53:25What in?

00:53:26Don't know.

00:53:27Rehearsal room, I suppose.

00:53:29No, I mean, what, play?

00:53:31Oh, I don't know.

00:53:33Something, you know, deep and meaningful.

00:53:35One of them, Russian jobs, most probably.

00:53:37What, the ones we don't watch on BBC Two?

00:53:40Check off, that sort of stuff.

00:53:41No, no.

00:53:42Those are the ones I never used to watch,

00:53:44but in them days, you see, I wasn't esoteric.

00:53:48No?

00:53:49No, but, you know, Raquel's taught me what's what.

00:53:52Oh, yeah.

00:53:53I mean, you stick me in front of the telly

00:53:55with a Singapore sling and ham sandwich

00:53:56and a bit of Chekhov,

00:53:57and I'm as happy as a sandboy.

00:54:00Well, she's...

00:54:01She's good news, Robert.

00:54:02I mean, she really is.

00:54:03She's lovely, she's beautiful, she's talented.

00:54:06She's got a good pair of lungs on her and all.

00:54:08Thank you, yeah.

00:54:11Yes, I mean, she's got a good singing voice.

00:54:16She's got this voice, it's a...

00:54:17A cross between our Kiri Tikwanama

00:54:19and a little touch of Wootmy Rooster.

00:54:22Lovely.

00:54:24Oh, just want a doctor role, then.

00:54:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:54:26It's Boise.

00:54:27Boise, Boise, over here.

00:54:28Over here.

00:54:30Sit yourself down, Boise.

00:54:31Have the committee come to a decision yet?

00:54:37Yes, Derek, and it is bad news.

00:54:40Well, it's bad news for you, at least.

00:54:42You were blackballed.

00:54:45Oh, no.

00:54:47Someone put a blackball in the bag?

00:54:49Who?

00:54:49When I emptied the bag, there was more than one blackball.

00:54:54Yeah, man.

00:54:55Well, let's put it this way.

00:54:56Have you ever seen the bottom of a rabbit's hutch?

00:55:00I'm sorry, Derek.

00:55:02I did my best.

00:55:03What am I going to tell Raquel now?

00:55:11Oh, look, if she's as talented as you say she is,

00:55:14she don't need you bribing some television director.

00:55:17Her talent will win through.

00:55:19No, you're right, Rodney.

00:55:20No, you're right.

00:55:22Yeah.

00:55:23No, she's going to be a star one day

00:55:24because she has got talent.

00:55:26All together now.

00:55:27She's more than you can say for that soppy old git.

00:55:30Oh!

00:55:30I've put my finger in the woodpecker's hole

00:55:34and the woodpecker's...

00:55:35Oh, yes, my dog!

00:55:37Take it out!

00:55:38Take it out!

00:55:40Wiggle it, the bat, remove it!

00:55:42Oh, no!

00:55:44That is enough!

00:55:45Del, can't you chuck him in the back of the van and drive him home?

00:55:48Well, with that engine, you must be joking,

00:55:50it needed a walking frame to get down here tonight.

00:55:53Well, it was going all right the other day.

00:55:55Yeah, when was that?

00:55:56I saw Dave calling him.

00:55:57Some of his mates were following him.

00:55:59Oh, yeah?

00:56:00Well, yeah, but the engine was well lumpy then, Bill.

00:56:03Yeah, but it was kind of fair old leg, though, wasn't it?

00:56:06Yeah, well, yeah, but I was making a terrible noise.

00:56:09Yeah, well, hang on.

00:56:10What's this all about?

00:56:11Now, all together now!

00:56:13Oh!

00:56:14Albert Trotter!

00:56:15Oh, sir!

00:56:19Able seaman Albert Trotter, late of her majesty's ship, Peerless?

00:56:23Oh, sir!

00:56:25I'm placing you under arrest.

00:56:28They're only nicking him, look!

00:56:30What's going on?

00:56:32You'll be taken to the naval stockade, Portsmouth,

00:56:34where you will await court-martial.

00:56:36But...

00:56:36But why?

00:56:39Dereliction of duty.

00:56:40November 19th, 1941,

00:56:42while serving with the Royal Pacific Fleet,

00:56:45you did wantonly abandon your watch duties,

00:56:47thus causing the sinking of HMS Peerless,

00:56:50and causing considerable damage to the American vessel USS Pittsburgh.

00:56:54But that was nearly 50 years ago.

00:56:57The original papers have only been discovered

00:56:59in the vaults of Admiralty Headquarters, Singapore.

00:57:01I couldn't understand a radar.

00:57:05It was all blibs and blobs.

00:57:07Read the charges, petty officer.

00:57:09Aye, aye, sir.

00:57:10Able seaman Albert Trotter,

00:57:12you are hereby ordered by Her Majesty the Queen,

00:57:14by the High Lords of the Admiralty,

00:57:16and by all your friends and relatives

00:57:17to have a very happy birthday!

00:57:21It's your birthday to cry!

00:57:37That's all those stripper beds in the local fame.

00:57:40I've done him up like a giver!

00:57:42Look at the old song's face!

00:57:43Anyway, I'll get you with this, you turrets!

00:57:46Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

00:58:05Brackel!

00:58:10Brackel!

00:58:10Is this the actress you've been telling us so much about?

00:58:14What's not Raquel?

00:58:44All right?

00:59:10All right?

00:59:12Oddly enough, I am not all right.

00:59:20Look, Del, don't get out of your pram over it.

00:59:23Don't get out of my pram.

00:59:25Don't get out of my pram.

00:59:27She just humiliated me in front of my friends.

00:59:30But you booked her.

00:59:31I did not book her.

00:59:33I was a stripper grab.

00:59:35I did not know it was her because I did not know that she did that for a living.

00:59:39I thought she was an actress because that is what she said she was.

00:59:43Instead, she goes around pubs dressed in stockings and suspender belts, flashing her fropty bits at blokes.

00:59:49What's some worry about it, Del?

00:59:51I don't think very many people noticed.

00:59:54Anyway, what about a few years ago when you used to go out with that bird, Monique?

00:59:58Now, she used to go around in public wearing next to nothing on.

01:00:01She was a lifeguard.

01:00:03Well, yeah, all right.

01:00:11Del!

01:00:13Wait a minute!

01:00:14Look, I wouldn't talk to him yet, love.

01:00:17Just leave him.

01:00:18He'll calm down in a year or two.

01:00:20You lied to me!

01:00:22No, I didn't!

01:00:24I never told you I wasn't a stripper.

01:00:28And anyway, that's the pot calling the kettle black.

01:00:31I've just found out your name is Trotter.

01:00:32You told me you were called Derek Duval.

01:00:34And you didn't tell me you were a market trader.

01:00:44And I suppose this is the Ferrari.

01:00:46All right.

01:00:52So I might occasionally tell the old porky or two.

01:00:56But I'll tell you something I don't do.

01:00:57I don't go round pubs dressed in stockings and suspenders, flashing my boobs at geezers.

01:01:02Do I, Rodney?

01:01:05No, he's never done anything like that.

01:01:07No, thank you.

01:01:08Oh, Del, please listen to me.

01:01:11I just do this a couple of evenings a week to pay for my drama lessons.

01:01:14I mean, where do you think I found the money to live on?

01:01:17Oh, I don't know.

01:01:18I thought you was living on the old rock and roll or something.

01:01:21No, I'm not on the dole.

01:01:22I pay for my own way in this world.

01:01:26I'm sorry you don't like what I do for a living.

01:01:28This may come as a surprise to you, but I don't bloody like it either.

01:01:32Anyway, you said you wanted me to meet your family.

01:01:34Yes, but I meant with your bloody clothes on.

01:01:37I've got blackball for you.

01:01:39I'm sorry.

01:01:41But before you start moralising too much, just remember one thing.

01:01:44You booked me for this evening.

01:01:45I didn't know it would be you.

01:01:47Oh, so it'd be all right for you and your mates to leer and lust over a stranger?

01:01:50Yes.

01:01:52No.

01:01:53Oh, I don't know.

01:01:57Look.

01:01:57This is probably a daft question, but do you want to see me any more?

01:02:06Yes, of course I want to see you again, sweetheart.

01:02:08Well, the next time I'll pay at the door like all the other punters.

01:02:12There was no need to say that to Adele.

01:02:29I know there wasn't.

01:02:34And I wish I hadn't.

01:02:35Like most things in my life, it's too bloody late.

01:02:42I know there was no need to see you again.

01:03:12Fancy it's a bit of a walk anyway.

01:03:16LAUGHTER

01:03:17Is that true, then?

01:03:36It's what, sir?

01:03:37All these rumours I've been hearing about you falling in love with some stripper.

01:03:41Oh, leave it out, Sid.

01:03:43I wasn't in love with her.

01:03:44I was just, you know, knocking about with her, you know what I mean?

01:03:47That's what I thought.

01:03:48I told them.

01:03:49That old boy wouldn't get serious over some tart.

01:03:53No, of course not.

01:03:54I don't think I am.

01:03:55Some sort of wally.

01:03:55Have a cup of tea, please, Sid.

01:03:59All right?

01:04:03Oh, what's up with you now?

01:04:07Is it the 175 quid repair bill for the van?

01:04:12Is it her?

01:04:14Her?

01:04:15Raquel.

01:04:19I've never known anyone called Raquel.

01:04:23Oh, right.

01:04:26Oi, you coming down to coaching horses tonight?

01:04:28They've got a strip...

01:04:29LAUGHTER

01:04:31Comedian, no.

01:04:33LAUGHTER

01:04:33No, I don't mean so, probably.

01:04:37I'll stay in and watch a bit of telly.

01:04:40It's one of them Chekhov plays on BBC Two.

01:04:43They're old cobblers.

01:04:53Raquel!

01:04:54What a lovely surprise.

01:04:58Look who's here, though.

01:04:59Have you got time for a cup of tea?

01:05:05I don't know.

01:05:07Have I got time for a cup of tea?

01:05:09Well, it's a free country.

01:05:12Hey, I see.

01:05:13I told you he'd mellow after a bit.

01:05:16Well, I've got to go somewhere to...

01:05:20Well, I've got to go somewhere.

01:05:22Yeah, my tea.

01:05:23Yeah.

01:05:29Oi, Rodney!

01:05:34Hello, Mrs. Sampson.

01:05:35What'd you do to my nearest?

01:05:37She'd come in shaking like the leaf-white attitude she was.

01:05:39I'd well known, Mrs. Sampson.

01:05:41It was some yachts.

01:05:43What sort of week have you had?

01:05:46Blind, didn't you?

01:05:47Rotten.

01:05:49It's a tough old world, isn't it?

01:05:51Tougher than I ever imagined.

01:05:55I've, um...

01:05:57I've resigned from the stripper-grown agency.

01:05:59Oh, good.

01:06:00I've signed on the doll.

01:06:01It's a step up the ladder, innit?

01:06:05Why didn't you tell me what you did for a living?

01:06:07Why didn't you let me find out like that?

01:06:08I don't think I wanted you to find out in that way, do you?

01:06:12Look, that night, I took a job to give birthday greetings to someone called Albert Trotter.

01:06:16It had been paid for by someone called Derek Trotter.

01:06:19Now, if I'd known your real name, I would have realised it was you and not taken the job.

01:06:23You still didn't tell me what you did for a living.

01:06:25Well, I was hoping there'd be no need to.

01:06:26After I met you and I realised we were...

01:06:32coming close, I'd planned to pack the whole stripper-gram business in.

01:06:37Then you'd have been none the wiser.

01:06:39It just didn't work out that way.

01:06:40I thought I knew you.

01:06:45Knew nothing.

01:06:48Your disguises and secrets.

01:06:52Sorry.

01:06:52I'm going on a tour.

01:06:58Yeah?

01:06:59But it's a mystery one.

01:07:01No, it's no mystery.

01:07:03An agent called me a couple of days ago.

01:07:04Could be helpful to my career.

01:07:06Oh.

01:07:07Cushty.

01:07:08You won't have to worry about bumping into me.

01:07:11It's a tour of the Middle East.

01:07:12The Middle East?

01:07:14Didn't know they went in for all that Uncle Vanya and run for your wife stuff.

01:07:17No, it's not a play.

01:07:19It's a review.

01:07:21Dancing, that sort of thing.

01:07:23Oh, use your noddle, Raquel.

01:07:26You read about that sort of thing in the Sunday papers.

01:07:28You'll end up as a hostess in some topless dive in the Casbah.

01:07:35No, it's an official tour.

01:07:36All above board.

01:07:38Probably get kidnapped and then end up in a Harlem.

01:07:44That's what you want.

01:07:45It's not what I want.

01:07:47It's the next best thing.

01:07:51It's a shame the two of us couldn't have been more honest with each other.

01:07:54Look, I was straight with you.

01:07:55Oh, all right, all right.

01:07:58So I call myself Duval.

01:08:00Well, what's wrong with that?

01:08:01That's nothing, is it?

01:08:01I mean, it's just a joke.

01:08:03I didn't tell you any other lies.

01:08:05Help.

01:08:06What's he want?

01:08:08Maybe it's another call from your New York office.

01:08:10Yes.

01:08:25Adele, I just want to say thanks.

01:08:34What for?

01:08:35For lots of things.

01:08:38For being the only man I've ever met who wanted me to keep my clothes on.

01:08:42For getting yourself blackballed for me.

01:08:45For giving me back some self-esteem.

01:08:47I used to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, oh, you're you again.

01:08:54After I met you, I used to wake up and think, great, another day, you're going to be somebody.

01:09:03This time next year, I'll be famous.

01:09:08Thanks for that.

01:09:09Raquel, would you like a piece of my fried bread?

01:09:32When are you leaving?

01:09:35Tomorrow afternoon.

01:09:36I've got a cab coming at 12.

01:09:39It's taking me to Waterloo Station.

01:09:42It's ironic, isn't it?

01:09:47It doesn't have to be the end.

01:09:49We could still go on seeing each other.

01:09:52Yeah, I'll pop over to Addis Ababa and catch the show.

01:09:55I mean, I don't have to go.

01:09:58You said you'd already agreed to it.

01:10:00If I'm not there, I'm not there.

01:10:02They'll have to find a replacement.

01:10:04Shouldn't be that difficult.

01:10:05Thousands of girls are begging for a chance like this.

01:10:09I don't know what to say, sweetheart.

01:10:15Just take me a bit by surprise.

01:10:18I've done all my thinking and I know what I want.

01:10:21If you want me to stay, then I will.

01:10:24And I'm not talking about any heavy commitment like marriage or even living together.

01:10:28We could just be there for each other.

01:10:34Think about it, won't you?

01:10:37Yeah, of course I will.

01:10:40If you like the idea, just be at my flat tomorrow.

01:10:44If not, I'll understand.

01:10:47Yeah, I just need a bit of time, that's all.

01:10:56Okay.

01:10:59Thanks for the fried bread.

01:11:02I'll see you.

01:11:05Maybe.

01:11:17You've got to be honest, Rodney.

01:11:24It was funny at the time, mate.

01:11:26Yeah, well, Del didn't seem to think so.

01:11:28No, well, he wouldn't, would he?

01:11:31Del's been taking it all very well, as it happens.

01:11:34Yeah, well, we'll have to take your word for that, Rodney.

01:11:36Because he ain't been in here since.

01:11:37Yeah, well, he had a bit of thinking to do last night.

01:11:39He's got a sort of decision to make.

01:11:41What's that?

01:11:42Well, it's just paid a bill for the stripper grand agency.

01:11:46Mike, you're getting banged out of all the room.

01:11:57Morning, all.

01:11:58Same again for Rodney.

01:12:00Singapore Sling for me.

01:12:02Some more rum for Elton John over there.

01:12:05Better take one for yourself, Michael.

01:12:07Cheers, Del.

01:12:11So, what are you doing?

01:12:16Well, I've been thinking about her all night last night, Rodney.

01:12:20She's had a tough old life, you know.

01:12:22Her old man was a right rough house.

01:12:23All the other blokes that she's known before that were no better.

01:12:26You know, she's had nothing but bad luck.

01:12:29Then she met me.

01:12:32Bloody hell, life's a bitch, isn't it?

01:12:34Well, yeah, yeah, that's what I meant.

01:12:47I mean, you know, I've always been bad luck to women.

01:12:51No, you ain't.

01:12:52No, I have, I have.

01:12:53Thanks, Mark.

01:12:54Cheers, Mark.

01:12:54I was thinking back last night to all the birds that I've known, you know.

01:12:58Yeah.

01:13:00I brought them all nothing but bad luck.

01:13:02I'm a bit like that Little Joe.

01:13:09Little Joe?

01:13:10Yeah, you know, in Bonanza, Little Joe.

01:13:13You ain't, Del.

01:13:14You're nothing like him.

01:13:17No, not in looks.

01:13:18I mean, he's an ugly-looking git.

01:13:21No, but I mean, you know, whenever you watch an episode of Bonanza, you know,

01:13:24and that Little Joe falls in love with a woman, you know she is going to die.

01:13:28I mean, as soon as he starts strongening it with a salt, you can guarantee that she's

01:13:35either going to catch the fever, get trampled underfoot in a stampede, or the Indians are

01:13:39going to have her.

01:13:42That's not going to happen to Raquel.

01:13:46No, no one.

01:13:46No, I thought about it last night.

01:13:49I thought, I thought to myself, whatever happens, Raquel is not going to end up full of Arras.

01:13:56All I do, I came round here, I thought I'd give myself a couple of quick liveners and

01:13:59then I'm going to go round to her flat.

01:14:01Yeah, well done, Del.

01:14:02You stuck what the others think, eh?

01:14:04That's right, bro, that's right.

01:14:05Thank you, Rodney, you stuck by me, you're a diamond.

01:14:09Now, get off, will you?

01:14:10No, no, you are, and I'll never forget that.

01:14:14You did laugh at the time, though, didn't you?

01:14:16Yeah, but I didn't laugh at the time, though.

01:14:20So, this is all serious stuff, eh?

01:14:22Hmm?

01:14:22Well, no, no, I mean, you know, no, talking about marriage and nothing like that, not even

01:14:26talking about living together, it's just a...

01:14:29You know, well, just...

01:14:31Just going to be there for each other.

01:14:33Cheers.

01:14:36Cheers, Rodney.

01:14:38All the best, then.

01:14:39Cheers.

01:14:50You can imagine how I felt, can't you?

01:14:52I felt like a right dipstick.

01:14:54Listen, Del, I know we all had a laugh at you, but no offences for that, mate.

01:14:57That's all right, mine, I'm taking it, it's all forgotten about now, all right?

01:15:01I thought Albert sucked it well, although he did.

01:15:03He threatened to get even with you.

01:15:04Oh, yeah, well, Del ain't eating a thing Albert's cooked ever since.

01:15:09You're talking about Albert, take that rum over for him, will you, Rodney?

01:15:11Yeah.

01:15:14Mmm.

01:15:15What's the time?

01:15:15I've got a lot of time.

01:15:16I'm supposed to be around Rat Girls by noon.

01:15:18Yeah, give her my luck, won't you, Del, and tell her to pop in for a drink one night, eh?

01:15:21Yeah, I will, Mike.

01:15:22Cheers.

01:15:23There you go, Albert.

01:15:25So, as he reached the decision...

01:15:26Yeah.

01:15:27He's going round to her flat in a minute.

01:15:28Oh, God.

01:15:30She wouldn't have been aptly touring round the Middle East.

01:15:33I never liked it over there.

01:15:36Did you know I'd tell you about that time I was in Cairo?

01:15:38Yes, you must have, Albert, you must have.

01:15:41Oh, God.

01:15:48What was that, Rodney?

01:15:49I've got to go, right?

01:15:50I've got to go.

01:15:54Well, I'm, you want to clean your pipes out a bit, Mike?

01:15:58I've got to write a throw in there, I guess.

01:16:01Anyway, listen, I must be off.

01:16:02I'll see you.

01:16:03Cheers, Del.

01:16:04Ta-ta.

01:16:04Is your name Trotter?

01:16:08Yes, that's my name.

01:16:09That's me, yes.

01:16:09Is that your yellow van out there?

01:16:12What, the one with a Trotter written on the side?

01:16:15Yes, that's mine.

01:16:16Well, a couple of weeks ago,

01:16:18a yellow three-wheel van, very similarly yours,

01:16:21shot the lights between Lewisham Hill and Woodford Lane.

01:16:23We're in the process of questioning the owners of all such vehicles.

01:16:27Oh, well, look no further, officers.

01:16:31It was me.

01:16:33It's a fair cop.

01:16:34I've done it.

01:16:35Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

01:16:39You disappoint me, Uncle.

01:16:46Mr. Trotter.

01:16:47Yes.

01:16:48Either you're not taking this very seriously,

01:16:50or you don't understand the full implications of your last statement.

01:16:55Look, come on, darling.

01:16:56Look, I'm a bit pushed for time, so, you know, can we get on with it?

01:16:59What do you mean?

01:17:00Well, you know what I mean.

01:17:01Come on, hurry up.

01:17:02Come on, get them off.

01:17:03Come on.

01:17:04Come on.

01:17:17I would have thought you would have come up with something a bit more original than that.

01:17:21It's got nothing to do with me, son.

01:17:23It wasn't anything to do with you.

01:17:25It's...

01:17:26What?

01:17:30Oh, my God.

01:17:32Nick him.

01:17:33I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China, or to myself.

01:17:46No.

01:17:46No, please.

01:17:48Please.

01:17:48I've got to meet someone at noon.

01:17:49Please.

01:17:50You are going to meet someone at noon.

01:17:51Oh, yes, Sergeant.

01:17:52A very nice man, and I'm sure you two will get on like a house on fire.

01:17:55Come on.

01:17:58Leave all your lovers.

01:18:01Leave all your lovers.

01:18:04Look, look, can you take me around to Harrington Road?

01:18:08I've got to meet someone.

01:18:08He's left here.

01:18:10Yeah.

01:18:10If you could just go...

01:18:11Oh, thanks very much.

01:18:15Ow.

01:18:17Melting your heart of stone.

01:18:26I'd like to get you on a slow...

01:18:31I know you don't believe me, but can I at least use your phone?

01:18:33Do I have one phone call?

01:18:34Thanks.

01:18:35What's the time?

01:18:36Twenty to one.

01:18:37Oh, it's horrific.

01:18:39You don't know the code for Addis Ababa, do you?

01:18:41We'll see you next time.

01:18:56I'll see you next time.

Only Fools And Horses S05E09 1988 - Dates.

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