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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S07E04 - The Class Of &
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10Cause if you are the bestest
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But is the one which drives me berserk
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La-la-la-la
00:34La-la-la-la
00:36La-la-la-la
00:38La-la-la-la
00:40La-la-la-la
00:42La-la-la-la-la
00:44La-la-la...
00:56You all, Anke?
00:56Oh, yeah.
01:01I've stopped since you went out.
01:04How's the audition go?
01:06Don't ask. Just don't ask.
01:08He got me up on the stage singing I'm going to the chapel and I'm going to get married.
01:12I mean, look at him.
01:13Well, I reckon it was your choice of song, Raquel, you see.
01:17I think next time we should choose something a bit more modern, like one of the Madonna numbers, you know?
01:23How about Like a Virgin?
01:24That's it, yeah. Something like that.
01:28Hey, come on, listen. You shouldn't be standing up in your condition, should you?
01:31Now, come on. Come and sit down. Sit down over here.
01:33Come and sit in this chair because it's nice and warm.
01:40I was going to make some tea.
01:42No, no, no. Don't you worry about that.
01:43I'll make a pot of tea. Rodney, make a pot of tea.
01:47Now, come on, I've got to do it.
01:48Because Raquel is pregnant and your uncle's knackered. Now, go on.
01:51Yeah, and I'm supposed to be out of work.
01:54It's not compulsory, Rodney. Government do allow you to make a pot of tea.
01:58And what I'm saying, Unc, is what about Brian Epstein here?
02:01Look, I've got all the correspondents to catch up with, haven't I?
02:03Oh, get what? One letter.
02:06And as for Raquel, I'll make the tea.
02:08Honestly, it's all right for some little dipstick, isn't it, eh?
02:12They go and jolly up down the pub every night and then crawl out of bed when he hears the theme tune to Home and Away.
02:18But me, I'm a captain of industry, me, aren't I, eh?
02:21I deal with clients that organisations are household names.
02:24Oh, yeah. Like Parkhurst.
02:28It's funny, none of my mates are in Parkhurst.
02:30Captain Avenger Street.
02:33More like a bloody stowaway.
02:35I mean, you really get off on this yuppie trick, don't you?
02:38So, what's the latest brainwave?
02:40Fax machines.
02:41They're handy things to have, Rodney.
02:43Oh, yes, for normal people, Uncle, yes.
02:46But he don't know anybody else who's got another fax machine.
02:51And that is why, in the two months he's been wired up to the worldwide digital miracle, he ain't had one message.
02:59You've got a message on your fax machine, don't you?
03:03So, what does it feel like to be a plonker then, Rodney, eh?
03:07This message, it could have come from anywhere in the world.
03:09This, it could have come from Rome, New York, Tokyo.
03:13Oh, it's from Mike at the Nags Head.
03:16Yes, he had the foresight, you see, to buy one of my machines, and I bet he's double glad that he did.
03:23Oh, blimey, and half a moan at him, ain't he, eh?
03:25Look at this, it's, this message starts, machine no working prop.
03:29God, no.
03:30What does he expect for 45 quid, eh?
03:33Oh, yeah, that's interesting.
03:35Here, listen to this.
03:37I've only invited to a school reunion tonight.
03:40You're kidding.
03:41No, no, no, straight up, it's for the pupils of Class 4C, who left the Martin Luther King Comprehensive in 1962.
03:48Here, that used to be the old dockside secondary modern.
03:51Yeah, it's a turn-up for the book, innit?
03:52Gonna see all my old schoolmates.
03:54Yeah.
03:55Did you suffer from seasickness?
03:56No, why's it?
03:57Well, it just gets very choppy on the Isle of Wight ferry, you know.
04:00For the last time, Rodney, my mates are not in Parkhurst.
04:05Anyway, it's not, it's, look, it's in the Nags Head tonight.
04:08Well, why don't you come along anyway?
04:09You might cheer yourself up, you miserable devil.
04:11Hey, Raquel, guess what?
04:13Listen, you'll never guess.
04:14I've only been invited to a school reunion tonight at the old Nags Head.
04:18That'd be nice for you.
04:18Yeah, it'd be great, wouldn't it, eh?
04:20What's that?
04:21Nothing.
04:22Hey, come on, come on, let's start it up.
04:24Something's bothering you.
04:25I can tell.
04:26Now, here, was it that audition?
04:28Because if it was, look, that geezer was right out of order.
04:30No, no, no, it's nothing to do with that.
04:31It's this letter.
04:32Oh.
04:33It's from my solicitors.
04:34They've managed to trace my husband's whereabouts and told him that I've started divorce proceedings.
04:38Oh, well, that's good, then, innit, eh?
04:39What's he say?
04:40His solicitors say that he is considering his response.
04:42Oh, that's all right.
04:45What's wrong with that?
04:46I mean, you know, you've been apart for eight years, haven't you?
04:49And all that time, have you ever seen him or heard anything from him?
04:52No, nothing.
04:53You don't know him like I do, Dale.
04:55He can be horrible when he wants to be.
04:56I wish you'd never suggested starting divorce proceedings.
05:00Now, now, don't go on about that.
05:01Come on.
05:02That girl's going to be all right, innit?
05:04I mean, he can't do you any harm, can he, eh?
05:07Because he doesn't even know where you live.
05:08And even if he did know where you live, he'd have to go through me first.
05:14Eh?
05:14So you just forget it.
05:16You let the solicitors solicit, eh?
05:21Because I want us to be pucker.
05:24I want to be married and all the exes.
05:27Right?
05:28Because I know that little faceache in there, he weren't planned, but, well, he's here now,
05:32ain't he?
05:32All her?
05:33Yeah, or her.
05:35You know what?
05:37If I'd, if I was any happier, I'd be, I'd be dangerous.
05:41Because, you see, you and him, or her, one of the best things that's ever happened to
05:47me, since, well, since me mum died.
05:55You understand what I'm saying?
05:57Well, I think so.
05:59Yeah, well, don't worry, eh?
06:01I promise.
06:01All right, Del.
06:04You know best.
06:05That's it.
06:06Good girl.
06:06You know it makes sense.
06:07Because I'd do anything for you, you know.
06:09Anything.
06:10Anything?
06:11Yep.
06:12All right.
06:13Promise me you won't get drunk with your mates tonight.
06:20On your bike.
06:21Well, this is bloody ridiculous.
06:28The reunion's supposed to start at half past seven, and look at it, it's almost ten past
06:31eight.
06:32Who organised this reunion anyway?
06:34What?
06:35Ain't here yet.
06:36Who?
06:36Your host.
06:37The bloke was paying for all this.
06:39I thought he was going to arrive late.
06:41I think he wants to make an entrance.
06:43Surprise you all.
06:44Who is it, Mike?
06:44Come on, who is it?
06:45Who is it?
06:45I don't know, Del.
06:46He just came in yesterday.
06:47He said he wanted a room for a school reunion.
06:49Oh, I want to have a word with you about that fax machine you sold me.
06:53Yes, yes, yes.
06:53All right, Michael.
06:54You know, I'm busy at the moment.
06:56I'll fax you about it during the week.
06:58So what was this bloke's name?
07:00I don't know.
07:01I didn't catch it.
07:02Well, didn't you get his name on your receipt and in your accounts?
07:05Hmm.
07:05Uh, no.
07:06No, I forgot.
07:07In other words, he paid cash.
07:09Yeah, yeah, that's right.
07:11Well, what was he like?
07:12Was he tall?
07:13Yeah, tall-ish.
07:15Here, he didn't have a scar.
07:16Did he run in front of the bridge of his nose right down to the corner of his mouth?
07:18And his right ear was missing?
07:20No, uh, not that I noticed, no.
07:22Well, it ain't our old headmaster, then.
07:27It'll be our old headmaster.
07:29Doctor said he'd never be allowed back into society.
07:31All right.
07:32All right.
07:32All right.
07:32All right.
07:39Trigger!
07:40All right.
07:41Yeah.
07:41Is it you?
07:42Is it you, Trigger, that organised all this?
07:44Oh, turn it up, Del Boy.
07:45Trigger couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque.
07:49I got lost on my way here.
07:52I've been coming to this pub since you were 16.
07:55I know.
07:55I found a pub, all right.
07:56I mean, I couldn't find this room.
07:59I'll be standing in your dance hall for the last hour.
08:03All the lights are out, Trigger.
08:05I know.
08:09You've been standing in the dock for an hour?
08:11Yeah.
08:12Yeah.
08:13I thought we was all going to jump out and surprise someone.
08:18But there's no one else in there.
08:21I didn't know that, did I?
08:22Your lights were out.
08:25How you going, Dave?
08:27All right, sir?
08:28Well, I'll send your man up as soon as he arrives.
08:30In the meantime, all enjoy yourselves, lads.
08:37It's a bit of a mystery, all this, isn't it?
08:39It's like something out of one of them Agatha Christie films.
08:42Yeah.
08:43I used to fancy her.
08:44I mean, when you think about it, just think, somebody has arranged for you four to be in
08:51this room at the same time.
08:53You used to fancy Agatha Christie?
08:56Yeah.
08:57I had a picture of her on my bedroom wall.
08:59She was an old lady.
09:01All English country gardens and granny hats.
09:03Yeah, she looked a bit like Mr. Kipling's bit on the side.
09:05Well, I fancied her.
09:08I saw her in that film, Dr. Zhivago.
09:11That's Julie Preston, you fuck.
09:14Yeah, well, whatever.
09:16I liked her.
09:16As I was saying, on a cold, rainy night in Peckham, somebody has arranged for you four
09:26to be in this room at the same time, and nobody knows who, and the most important and frightening
09:33aspect of the entire mystery, nobody knows why.
09:39Now, think of it.
09:41Who would do something like that?
09:46Jeremy Beedle?
09:56Jeremy Bunny Beedle?
09:58Don't be stupid.
10:00Here, Rodney.
10:01Now, you're trying to frighten us.
10:02Now, pack it in, because it won't work.
10:04Well, that's it.
10:04I'm off.
10:05Sit down, Denzel.
10:06You're not going anywhere.
10:06Look, listen.
10:07I wasn't even at your school for long.
10:09Me mum and dad didn't even come down to London until I was 13.
10:13I don't really feel like qualify as one of the old boys.
10:16Did you get an invitation?
10:17Yeah.
10:18Then you're staying.
10:19Well, it's just that I've got this thought going around me head.
10:22Well, lend it to Trigger.
10:26Say.
10:28Just say.
10:29Our old headmaster has escaped.
10:31Yeah, I'm going to get me cut.
10:36I better go and check on Al Koyal.
10:37No, no, no.
10:38No, no.
10:40I'm trying to lie.
10:45Oh, no.
10:48Shut up.
10:49Just shut up, will you?
10:53Oh, God.
10:54It's our old headmaster.
10:55It's Ben Dover Benson.
10:58If it is, he's grown another ear from somewhere.
11:03Surprise, surprise.
11:06Slater.
11:07I had you this time, didn't I?
11:08Be honest.
11:09I had you going.
11:11Tell me.
11:12The last person you guessed will be here tonight was Roy Slater, eh?
11:18Slater, what are you doing back here?
11:21Come on, doll.
11:22I'm going to do a lot of trouble here.
11:23You mean you organize this reunion?
11:25Yeah.
11:26I was in town.
11:27Thought it'd be a nice way to catch up with a few mates.
11:30I hear Marlene's had a nipper.
11:31What about it?
11:32Well, nothing.
11:34Just congratulations.
11:35I know you and her have been dreaming of having a baby for years.
11:40It's, uh, it's nice.
11:43And, Rodney.
11:44What?
11:45You got married.
11:47I know.
11:48Look, you don't have to be on the defensive with me, son.
11:50I'm pleased for you.
11:52Yeah, well, the marriage didn't really work.
11:54Rodney, don't you say a word.
11:56You'll only hold it against her.
11:57Look, doll.
11:58I didn't come here to upset things.
12:00It's just a little get-together, that's all.
12:02Can't we at least be friendly?
12:03Friendly, eh?
12:06Well, it's snide like you.
12:08I wish it had been our old headmaster now.
12:09I wish it had been Jeremy Beedle.
12:13I thought you were in Parkhurst.
12:16I got paroled six months ago.
12:18You're back in the police force now, Roy?
12:23No, Trigg, no.
12:25They wouldn't have me back.
12:27Not after I was convicted of diamond smuggling,
12:29given a five-year prison sentence.
12:31Police are funny about things like that.
12:34I've been living in Colchester,
12:36working for an undertaker, hence the coat.
12:40The look on your face,
12:40I wish I'd brought my tape measure with me.
12:43You fancy a drink?
12:44Not for me, Roy.
12:46I've got a prior engagement with the downstairs toilet.
12:50Save yourself a journey, boy.
12:51See the biggest cars, he's up here, look.
12:53I've got to go home and all chief inspector.
12:56My uncle promised he'd tell me all about the war.
12:59Wait a minute.
13:00Let's get a few things straight.
13:02I'm not a chief inspector anymore.
13:04I'm just an ordinary bloke.
13:05Look, I don't mean you any harm and I can't do you any harm.
13:09I know you'll laugh,
13:12but I've changed.
13:13You, Jay, don't pull the other one.
13:16A man doesn't go to this expense without good reason.
13:19I know it might sound ridiculous,
13:21but if it were possible,
13:23I'd like to wipe the slate clean.
13:25Wipe the slate clean?
13:27After what you've done to us,
13:28in the past you've fitted every one of us up
13:30on Mickey Mouse charges.
13:32I know, Del, I know.
13:34And that's why I kept the guest list to just you lot.
13:37Because you're the ones who deserve my biggest apologies.
13:41I wish I could turn the clock back.
13:44Yeah, so do I.
13:45To half-half-six this evening.
13:46I've got to stay in and watch the telly.
13:49You fitted up me, Boise and Denzel
13:52on possession of stolen goods.
13:54Yeah, and we bought them off you.
13:57I know.
14:00And I'm sorry.
14:02Sorry.
14:03Yeah, well, with all due respect,
14:05ex-chief inspector, you can stuff your apologies.
14:08Yeah, and I remember the time you followed me in the van
14:10and you nicked me for doing 70 miles an hour
14:12in a built-up area.
14:13It was just my word against this,
14:15and guess who the magistrate believed?
14:17I mean, you couldn't get that van to do 70 miles an hour
14:20if you pushed it off a cliff.
14:24Rodney, I'm sorry.
14:25Yeah, well, shove it, Slater, right?
14:29Just shove it.
14:31And what about the time you planted 3,000 green shield stamps on Trigger
14:35and he got put away for 18 months in a young offender's home, eh?
14:38I'm sorry, Trig.
14:41Oh, that's all right, Roy.
14:45See, I always wanted to be mates with you lot,
14:48but you sort of spurned me.
14:50So I wanted to hurt you for not liking me.
14:54You know, if you can't join them, beat them.
14:57That was my attitude.
14:58So the police force become my god.
15:02But in the end, even my own colleagues got sick of me and my ambitions.
15:06I knew my days were numbered.
15:09We're going to panic.
15:11I felt as if the whole thing was coming to a premature conclusion.
15:14No pun intended, Boise.
15:16I was worried about my future, financial security, that sort of thing.
15:27I turned to crime.
15:30I got myself involved in that diamond smuggling caper.
15:33And as I, of all people, should know, I got the collar.
15:38I spent three and a half years
15:40in a ten-foot by six-foot prison cell
15:45trying to work out where I'd gone wrong in life.
15:52Whilst in prison, I found Jesus!
15:57What have they fitted him up with?
15:59To be more precise,
16:04Jesus found me.
16:06It was round about the time that I got a message
16:08to say
16:09that my old man had passed away.
16:14Yeah, I know, Roy.
16:16I went to his funeral.
16:19Thanks, Del.
16:21I wish I could have gone.
16:23Why, didn't you?
16:24He probably didn't have a black suit
16:29and a bloody big ladder.
16:30He was in Nick trick.
16:31Yeah, but I thought they let you out for acts of God,
16:33like funerals and weddings.
16:35I applied for temporary compassionate release.
16:38My mum wrote to the prison governor.
16:40And he wouldn't let you go?
16:42Not after what that old cow put in a letter.
16:46It's pathetic, isn't it?
16:47Even my own mum's against it.
16:50My...
16:51Perhaps this reunion wants such a good idea, after all.
16:57You all look a bit embarrassed.
17:00Go on, you shoot off.
17:02I'll hang around.
17:03I'm going to sort out the money with the governor.
17:04All right, Slate.
17:10Roy.
17:12I'll have a drink with you.
17:13Come on.
17:14Oh, thanks, Del.
17:16What about you other fellas?
17:18Will you break bread with me?
17:20I'd prefer a Southern Comfort.
17:22Have you two gone mad?
17:24Oh, come on, look at him.
17:26He's only an Undertaker's tea boy now, isn't he?
17:28Yeah, and he's still putting bodies away.
17:30You don't honestly believe he's changed, do you?
17:35Well, personally, I'm not sure.
17:37But I'm always willing to give that somebody a chance.
17:41Make it a large one, Roy.
17:44Well, I'll have a lager.
17:45Trigger?
17:46Yeah, all right, I'll have a beer.
17:49How can you drink with Slater?
17:51When that's the man who sticks you up over those knocked-off stamps
17:53and put you away for 18 months?
17:55I know, but when I come out,
17:57I've got an electric blanket and a radio with me.
18:06Fancy a cognac?
18:09And quick.
18:11Yes, yes, it's very simple, Marlene.
18:15When you bring Raquel back here, you can pick me up.
18:20No, I am not drunk.
18:23Nobody is drunk.
18:24It is.
18:25No, I'm not drunk, Robby.
18:27You promised your love on you wouldn't get drunk, though.
18:30Why do women always say, don't get drunk?
18:33Hey, it's the nature, isn't it?
18:34My Kareem was always going on about it until she left me.
18:37Yeah, and my Cassandra.
18:39My Ada was the same.
18:41And I wonder why their marriages break up.
18:44Take my advice.
18:45The only way to avoid a broken marriage
18:47is don't turn up for the wedding.
18:50All right, keep the noise down.
18:52And the women might hear.
18:53We don't want them to know we're enjoying ourselves, do we?
18:59Yes, I have had a couple of drinks.
19:02Well, it's a bloody reunion, isn't it?
19:05Yes, all right.
19:06I'll see you in a minute.
19:10You having another drink, boys?
19:12No, Marlene will be here in a moment.
19:14I will get my coat.
19:16No, it's funny.
19:17I've been through all these photos of the boys
19:19enjoying themselves at various stages of their lives.
19:22And I'm not in one of them.
19:25Well, you were busy, weren't you, Roy?
19:27I mean, when that one was taken,
19:29you were at police training college.
19:31Yeah.
19:32And when that one was taken, you was nicked.
19:35I suppose it was tough for you on the inside, eh?
19:38Especially when they found out you were an ex-copper.
19:40Oh, you don't know the half of it.
19:41It was a nightmare.
19:42Every mealtime, they'd line up against the wall as I'd passed.
19:46Snide, snide, they'd whisper.
19:48We're going to get you, snide.
19:50Hope your wife can sow, Slater.
19:52Didn't the warders do nothing?
19:53That was the warders.
19:56Convicts really had it in for me.
19:5824 hours a day watching your back,
20:00especially in the shower room.
20:02I've heard there's a lot of bandidos in there.
20:04Oh, yeah.
20:05No wonder Oscar Wilde wrote a poem about it.
20:08You wouldn't believe what they'd sell
20:09for a king-sized fag in a book of matches.
20:12Unfortunately, they didn't give me any problems.
20:14I mean, these days, even the puss don't fancy me.
20:19Oh, wait a minute. Hang on, Roy.
20:21Here's one.
20:22Here's a photograph.
20:23Look at you, innit?
20:24God, look at that.
20:26It's the old school football team, look.
20:28Oh, look at that.
20:30How old were we then?
20:3214?
20:33Hey, look, there's little Del Boy
20:35in his Roger Daltrey haircut.
20:37Yeah.
20:38That was a big field dynamo, me.
20:40I used to play like Paul Gascoigne.
20:42The one next to me is Boise.
20:43He used to play like Bamba Gascoigne.
20:45There's that Italian kid.
20:49Good player.
20:49What was his name?
20:51Oh, hello.
20:52That will be Marlene.
20:53I'd better be off.
20:55Give us a lift home, will you, Boise?
20:56Yeah, me too, Boise.
20:58Oh, yes, of course.
20:58I'm running a bleeding minicab service.
21:00Hello.
21:01Hello.
21:02See you, Denz.
21:03My turn off, Roy.
21:04Yeah, see you, Trin.
21:04See you.
21:05See you, Roy.
21:06See you, Denzel.
21:07Yes, cheerio, Roy.
21:09See you around.
21:11Yeah, we'll have a drink in the week, eh?
21:12Oh, yes, I'll be in the pub sometime or another.
21:15Oh, good.
21:16It's a date, then.
21:19I'll tell you what, Roy.
21:22I'll get a copy of this photo, if you like.
21:26Must have been the last time that you were with all your old mates, wasn't it?
21:29Oh, look at that.
21:32Those were the days, weren't they, eh?
21:35We had Denzel in goal.
21:38We had Monkey Harris left back.
21:40We had...
21:42We had Cameradery.
21:45Was that the Italian boy?
21:50Yes.
21:51Yes, Trig, that was the Italian boy.
21:53Come along, Trigger.
21:57Cameradery, the Italian boy.
21:59You want to have a drink, then, Rodney?
22:01Eh?
22:01Yeah, go on, then.
22:02Roy, eh?
22:04Want another drink, Roy?
22:05Oh, look at that.
22:06The prodigal plonk has gone to Kipler.
22:09Are we going to get him home, then?
22:10Where is he staying?
22:11Oh, I don't know.
22:12Some bed and breakfast joint, he said, somewhere.
22:14Anyway, don't bother about it.
22:15Leave him there.
22:15Let him kip on a settee, all right?
22:17Yeah.
22:18Not a bad idea.
22:19I think I'll climb in.
22:22Yeah.
22:23All right.
22:23Well, good night, hon.
22:25Good night, chum.
22:26Do you know, Rodney, somebody had told me a few months ago that I'd be sitting and having
22:30a drink and a laugh, right, with Roy Slater.
22:34I would have said they were off his bloody head.
22:35Oh, yeah, he ain't such a bad bloke, I suppose, is he?
22:38No, well, this is it.
22:41Take them out of their uniform and get rid of their badges, and they're just like the
22:45rest of us, aren't they, eh?
22:46Just as scared.
22:48There you go.
22:49Want some ice?
22:50Oh, all right.
22:51Yes, I would have some ice, Del.
22:53Oh, there you go, mate.
22:54I'll get it for you, Rodney.
22:55That's very nice of you, Dolman.
22:57Come on, we're out.
23:00Come on.
23:02I don't believe.
23:05Rodney?
23:18Come on.
23:19We're out.
23:20Ah, ah, ah, yep, it's all right.
23:21I'm not drunk, I'm not drunk.
23:22Where's he come from?
23:24Where's he come from?
23:25He who?
23:26Who's he, ha?
23:27You mean Roy?
23:27Yes, he come from the pub.
23:28I said he'd come back for a drink.
23:29You Rodney sod.
23:31All the promises you've made me.
23:34Well, sir, come on.
23:36Raquel, you didn't believe me when I said I was just going to go out and have two halves
23:39of Shandy and then go to Midnight Mass, did you?
23:41Hey, you look for the others.
23:42Your promises mean nothing, buddy, nothing.
23:44Hey, hey, hey, hey, now, calm down, calm down.
23:47Well, you don't get excited.
23:48It's not good for the baby.
23:49Here, I have a drink.
23:50I don't want a drink.
23:51I thought I could trust you, Derek.
23:53I believed your promises, all of them.
23:54Your husband can't get near you, Raquel.
23:56He'll have to get past me first.
23:58Yeah, well, that's right, ain't it?
23:59Really?
23:59Yeah.
24:00Well, what's he doing laying asleep on our sofa?
24:02What are you on about?
24:02Well, my ex-husband is laying asleep on the sofa.
24:08No, no, that's Slater.
24:09I know his name, Del.
24:10I was married to him for four years.
24:12Slater?
24:22You were married to Slater?
24:25Yes.
24:28But, but that's Slater.
24:31I wish I hadn't burnt my wedding photos.
24:34Then maybe you believe me.
24:35No, no, no, not Slater.
24:38Slater was my married name.
24:42But Slater!
24:45You, you, my, why the hell didn't you tell me what your name was then?
24:49I told you my husband was a policeman.
24:51Yes, I know, but his name is Inspector Slater and your name's Raquel Turner.
24:54I mean, why didn't you tell me what your married name was?
24:56Because every time I talked about my marriage, you said, let's change the subject.
24:59Oh, Gordon, bloody Bennett.
25:00Have you said anything to him?
25:02No, no, of course I haven't.
25:03God, stop me.
25:04Are you sure you was married to him?
25:06Of course I'm bloody sure.
25:09All right, then, calm down, it's all right, come here.
25:11It's all right, it's all right.
25:12Now, just shut up.
25:13Listen, stay here.
25:14You stay here.
25:15I'll go and see if I can get rid of him, all right, all right?
25:18Slater, God!
25:22Rodney, Rodney, Rodney, wake up, you dipstick.
25:24Wake up, wake up!
25:26Listen.
25:27What is it?
25:28Slater, Slater, Slater was married to Raquel.
25:33There you go.
25:37No, no, it's not a joke.
25:40Slater was Raquel's husband.
25:45No.
25:46Yes.
25:47I'm telling you, would I?
25:48I wouldn't lie about something as serious as, would I?
25:50Well, does Slater know?
25:55Of course he does, he was at the bloody wedding, wasn't he?
25:58No, I mean, does he know about you and Raquel?
26:01Well, no, I don't know, I don't think so, not as far as...
26:03I've got to get him out of here, I've got to get him out, come on.
26:06All right, right, hello, Rodney, come on, wake up, wake up.
26:08Hey, Slater, come on, wait, wake up.
26:10What time is it, Del?
26:11Well, it's time, look, it's time you were gone, mate.
26:12Come on, that's it.
26:13Up you get, I'll get your coat, don't worry about that.
26:15I'll just get a glass of water.
26:16Yeah, OK, no, no, no.
26:21I'll get you some water, look, we've got plenty of water.
26:24We've got this trendy water, there you go.
26:27Have a chop of that.
26:28Cheers, Del.
26:34Tell me something, Roy,
26:36you didn't come back here to Peckham
26:38just to organise the school reunion, did you?
26:41Well, not just that, no, I got a letter from my wife's solicitors
26:44saying she wanted a divorce.
26:46So I've come back to sort out a few things with her.
26:49Going to find a brief, see if I can make a meet with her.
26:51So you don't actually know where she's living, then?
26:55No, but her solicitor's local,
26:57so must be round here somewhere, mustn't she?
27:00Well, yeah, yeah.
27:03While I was in the area, I thought I'd look up my old mate.
27:07I'm so glad I did, Del.
27:10It's done me the world a good meeting you again.
27:12I'm finding that you're willing to forgive and forget.
27:18I know it might sound poetical or sentimental,
27:22but the cup of human kindness really does run it over.
27:33That's my wife.
27:35Hey?
27:36This picture here.
27:39It's my Rachel.
27:42Let's see.
27:45No, no, that says the Raquel, look, that says.
27:47That's it.
27:48That was a stage name.
27:49It's done a bit of singing and acting.
27:51What's a picture of my wife doing in your flat?
27:55Well, uh, what's a picture of his wife doing in our flat?
28:01I don't know.
28:02He doesn't know.
28:02Can't you keep the noise, Dad?
28:04I'm trying to get some sleep in there.
28:06Is Raquel in yet?
28:09Raquel?
28:10You mean she lives here?
28:12Yes, I live here.
28:14Hello, Roy.
28:16Rachel?
28:18Who's Rachel?
28:19I'm sorry.
28:23I just don't understand what's happening.
28:25I come back here and...
28:28Oh.
28:30I see it now.
28:32You're cohabiting, aren't you?
28:34If that's the way you want to put it, yes.
28:38Well.
28:45Which one?
28:49You saucy dick.
28:52What do you mean, which one?
28:54Del?
28:55Yes, Del.
28:58Who's Rachel?
29:02What's the full SP, Derek?
29:05Is this just another sort you've trawled in your net?
29:09Another notch on the bedstead?
29:11Or are you too close?
29:13Where'd you get that from?
29:16You're pregnant.
29:17Oh, that's what it is.
29:19We've been wondering about this, haven't we, Del?
29:21Yes, look here, Slater.
29:22You and Raquel broke up over eight years ago.
29:24She's a free woman now.
29:25I'm not according to this letter from Rachel's solicitors.
29:28I'm not.
29:29According to this, I'm still her husband and she's still my wife.
29:33He's Raquel's husband?
29:35Yes.
29:36Now stay out of it, hunk.
29:37You know me, son.
29:38I'm saying nothing.
29:39Where'd you think she'd been for the past eight years?
29:41In a convent?
29:43That's fun for leaving.
29:45I figured she'd have a bloke in tow and I guess it wouldn't be Cliff Richards.
29:48You always liked to live a bit, didn't you, love?
29:50All right, that's enough of that, Slater.
29:51That's enough of that.
29:52Otherwise I'm going to take you out there on that balcony and see if the EEC have changed
29:55the laws on gravity.
29:56Where'd you expect me to feel?
29:59This woman, who I love...
30:00Oh, shut up, Roy.
30:01You're making me feel sick.
30:02This woman, my lawful wedded wife, has been fertilised by a trotter.
30:09You had the whole world to choose from, Rachel.
30:12You could have had Pol Pot or a Siberian pimp with gingivitis and a wart on his nose.
30:17But, oh, no, not you.
30:18You decided to go down market, didn't you?
30:20Down market, that's it, that's it, pal.
30:22Get out of this bloody house.
30:23Go on, get out.
30:23Del, Del, Derek, just calm down.
30:26Well, he's beginning to get my bloody nerves now, Roy.
30:29Why did you come back, son?
30:30To see my friends.
30:32To see my family.
30:35And most important of all, to see my wife.
30:40I've got a nice little inheritance coming soon.
30:44It's a nice few grand.
30:46I know this might sound ridiculous now, well, it will sound ridiculous now,
30:53But I was thinking maybe you and me could try again, you know?
30:58A fresh start.
30:59All right, come on, come on, go on.
31:00Just nap off out of it, Slater, go on.
31:02Oh, don't you worry, Della.
31:03I wouldn't take it back now, not in that condition.
31:06That's right, come on, calm down.
31:07It's all right, Della.
31:07Now, stop it.
31:08Stop it, Slater.
31:09You're getting her excited.
31:10Yeah, and I always could, couldn't I, Della?
31:11Right, that's it.
31:14You'd better shut up, Roy, or I swear I'll set him on you.
31:17Calm down, Derek, please.
31:19All right, all right, all right, Rodney.
31:20Thank you, all right.
31:21All right.
31:22Come on, come on, you, come on.
31:23Come on, you go in a bit.
31:24Now, come on.
31:25You get in there.
31:26I'll be in in a minute.
31:26Go on.
31:28Off you go.
31:30Go on.
31:31That's it.
31:37Who's Rachel?
31:38Oh, shut up!
31:46You're awake, Rodney.
31:48Well, even if I weren't, I bloody would be now.
31:50It's for you.
31:52What's that?
31:54You've given Slater my bed.
31:56So I know.
31:57Well, I had no choice, did I, Rodney?
31:59His bed and breakfast place would probably have been locked up.
32:01Well, I had to let him kip here, didn't I?
32:05What do you mean you had to?
32:07Oh, come on, Rodney, show a bit of compassion.
32:10Can't you see the predicament that I'm in?
32:11No, I can't.
32:13All I can see is that snidey bark Slater lying in my bed and I'm stretched out on the shades
32:18long again.
32:18I'm going to sleep.
32:21Oh, no, no, no, Roy, Rodney, don't go to sleep.
32:25Don't go to sleep.
32:26I want to talk.
32:28What about?
32:29I mean, what about?
32:30About everything.
32:31About the situation, about Slater and Raquel and about my little baby.
32:38Oh, that.
32:39I mean, if people find out that Slater was married to Raquel, that's going to be the
32:45end of me and Trotter's independent traders.
32:49It is.
32:49No one's ever going to trust me again.
32:51I don't trust you.
32:53Hmm?
32:53Why?
32:54What do you mean, why?
32:56How do you think my business associates and clients would feel knowing that I was going
32:59queso with the ex-wife of an ex-copper?
33:02And not any copper, but Slater, the slag, the most loathed and hated person in the parish.
33:10I mean, if they found out that Raquel and Slater had lived together and, you know, and had
33:16had s- you know, had s-
33:18Slept?
33:20Yeah.
33:21Oh, go back to sleep, Rodney.
33:24I could hear voices.
33:26It's probably us.
33:27Can't you sleep, Eva?
33:29I've been laying in there for hours worrying about this situation.
33:32If people find out Raquel's married to Slater, you'd be finished.
33:36You know that, hunk.
33:41People would be saying things behind my back, horrible things, things like Slater's reject,
33:48things like that.
33:49Have you spoken with Raquel yet?
33:51No, of course I haven't.
33:52It's not the poor mayor's fault, is it, eh?
33:54I've got to try and protect her from the gossip.
33:58I've got to try and protect myself as well, haven't I, eh?
34:02Because, you know, I'm- well, I'm a proud man, I am.
34:07Well, I'm proud.
34:08I don't want people to think that I mess with rejects.
34:15You see, Rodney, that, that's why I had to let Slater have your bed, you see.
34:20I've got to try to keep him sweet.
34:22I don't want him going all round the parish and the pubs and markets, you know, opening
34:25his mouth.
34:27He's got a hold over me.
34:29Yeah, but he doesn't know that.
34:31Rodney's got a point, Del.
34:32What he's saying is don't let Slater walk all over you.
34:35If you do, he might become suspicious and start wondering why.
34:41Yeah.
34:44Yeah, I don't know.
34:45Perhaps you're right.
34:47Sorry to interrupt.
34:48I'm dying of thirst.
34:50Couldn't you sleep, Del?
34:53Matter of fact, I got up early to give you an early breakfast, Slater.
34:58Oh, that's nice of you.
34:59Yeah.
34:59Then I was going to take you by the scruff of the neck and I was going to kick you out
35:02the bloody flat.
35:03Is that right?
35:05I couldn't sleep either worrying about you.
35:08What the local reaction would be if they were ever to find out the truth.
35:12I don't think anyone would ever trust you again if they knew you were living with the wife
35:16of an ex-copper.
35:17Not just any ex-copper, but Slater, who is universally hated and despised.
35:24I think that would be the end of you.
35:26No, I wouldn't like that to happen.
35:30Especially not to a good mate like you.
35:32Because, despite the fact that you have taken my wife, the one woman who I ever really
35:41loved, and tubbed her, I don't hold it against you.
35:46So I made a promise to myself.
35:48I'm going to make the same promise to you.
35:50I'm going to keep my mouth shut.
35:53Well, you know it makes sense, Roy.
35:55Thanks very much.
35:56I just hope and pray I don't have too many beers down the nags' head and go and let it
36:02slip.
36:04Beer always goes to my head.
36:05Now, champagne?
36:07Champagne's different.
36:08I know exactly what I'm saying with champagne.
36:10But until my inheritance comes through, I can't afford those sort of luxuries.
36:14It's a poser, isn't it, Del?
36:20Yes.
36:22Yes.
36:23There's a bit of a poser, Roy.
36:30Here you are.
36:32Look, here you are.
36:33Let's have some money there.
36:35Go and have a couple of bottles on me, will you?
36:37Yeah, sure, Del.
36:38Yeah.
36:39Well, that's very kind of you.
36:42I really am quite moved.
36:44Thanks.
36:47See you all in the morning.
36:49I don't know how long I'll be staying, but that's not a problem, is it?
36:52No.
36:52No, it's no problem, Roy.
36:54Cheers, Del.
37:01What are you going to do now, son?
37:03He's got you by the bit...
37:04Well, like that.
37:07Yeah, I don't know.
37:11Don't know what I'm going to do.
37:14It feels as if I'm in a state of shock.
37:16A state of shock?
37:18Must be like being hit by a John Barnes free kick.
37:21I know.
37:22They're short and curly and all, aren't they?
37:26I don't know.
37:27I don't know how much this is going to cost me before it's all over.
37:30I've already given him 40 quid.
37:32This is the first evening.
37:34You might have given him 40 quid, Del,
37:36but it's his Slater's wallet.
37:38What?
37:40Yeah.
37:41Funny, I thought it was Rodney's.
37:44Well, that's cheered me up a bit anyway.
37:47What's the word?
37:48Oi, look.
37:50It's some sort of contract from Slater's solicitor to Raquel.
37:54I, Rachel Slater, nay, Turner,
37:59hereby waive all my legal rights and entitlements
38:01to my husband's present and future estates.
38:05It's one of them things them film stars get their future wives to sign.
38:09A pre-nuptial agreement, or in this case, a post-nuptial agreement.
38:12That is what he came back here for.
38:18He wanted Raquel to waive all her rights to his money.
38:21What money's he talking about?
38:23I thought he was skimp.
38:24Yeah, but he's got some sort of inheritance coming up, hasn't he?
38:26I suppose it's what his dad left him.
38:28No, his dad wouldn't have left him anything.
38:30He hated him more than the rest of us.
38:32Listen to this.
38:37Here, listen, listen.
38:38Dear Mr Slater, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
38:40I would take this opportunity to bring to your notice
38:43the record-breaking high which exists on today's international diamond market.
38:49I would strongly advise your consideration
38:52to selling the ten items you deposited with my firm some years ago.
38:58I await your instructions, yours fakely, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
39:01and this is from a Bond Street diamond merchant.
39:04This is Slater's inheritance.
39:07These ten little sparklers are what he pugged away
39:10when the old smuggling racket went up the pictures.
39:12You've got it, Del.
39:13That is concrete evidence.
39:15I know, Rodney, I know, I know.
39:17Give me that wallet.
39:18Now then, we're going to hide this.
39:20We mustn't rush things, Rodney,
39:23till we can work out how best to handle this, all right?
39:27You've found it, Del.
39:28We're never here for that.
39:29That breakfast in bed you mentioned, about 9.30, all right?
39:32A couple of boiled eggs would be nice.
39:35Custy, Roy.
39:38Bleh.
39:43Rachel.
39:45Sorry.
39:45Raquel.
39:46Let me get you a drink.
39:47It's not because I just called in to see if Del's.
39:49No, I insist.
39:50Mike.
39:51Another bottle, if you'd be so kind.
39:53This on Del's account and all, is it?
39:55Yeah, it's all right with doing it.
39:56Yeah, fine.
39:57Del said anything you want.
39:58It's down to him.
39:59They broke the mould when they made that, man.
40:02She seems a nice girl.
40:03Yeah, Raquel.
40:04Yeah, she's lovely.
40:06She's been married before, you know.
40:07Oh, yeah?
40:08Yeah.
40:09The right git, I heard.
40:12Really?
40:12Still, the luck changed when she met Del.
40:15He's had his faults, but his heart's in the right place.
40:19Hey, don't you tell him I told you that, will you?
40:24What are you playing at, Roy?
40:25Why is Del paying for your champagne, bringing you breakfast in bed?
40:28No, he's just giving a helping hand to an old school friend who's fallen on hard times.
40:34When are you going, Roy?
40:35I haven't decided.
40:36I'm just waiting for my inheritance to come through, and I'm thinking of buying a house in this area.
40:39Yeah, we'll be seeing quite a lot of each other in the future.
40:43Do you ever think back to our times together?
40:45Some things remind me.
40:47Things like repeats of Tenko.
40:50Del boy, Rodney, let me get you a drink.
40:53Yes, make it a large bottle, will you, Roy?
40:56Is it all right, sweetheart?
40:57Yeah.
40:57I called in to see if you were here.
40:59Oh, yeah, well, listen, why don't you go and sit in the van, because I'm going to try and sort this thing out with Slater.
41:03It might not be very nice.
41:04You're not going to hit him over the head with a chair, are you?
41:06No, of course not.
41:07Oh, well, I'll go and sit in the van, then.
41:11Come on, are you all right?
41:12Can you manage all that?
41:13Yeah, go on, off you go.
41:16All right, Roy, enjoying my champagne, are you?
41:17Lovely, Del.
41:18Yeah, good.
41:19Helps me keep a clear head, and as you know best of all, that's very important.
41:26I was going to take Raquel shopping this morning, but she's still asleep.
41:30She always was difficult to wake up.
41:31Oh!
41:33Funny how easily these things can slip out, isn't it, Del?
41:37I was thinking of hiring a car for a couple of weeks.
41:39Is that all right with you?
41:40Yeah.
41:41Yeah, let's go.
41:42Sit down over there, Roy, shall we, and just discuss it, shall we?
41:44Of course.
41:45Lead on.
41:48Hello, Rodney.
41:51Before we go any further, Roy, there's something I want to ask you.
41:54You knew all along that Raquel was living with me, didn't you?
41:57Well, I suppose there's no harm in it.
42:00Yeah, I knew.
42:01Went down to town hall, looked up a name on the poll tax register.
42:05Didn't see your name down there, Del.
42:09Anyway, I had to get into your flat to make sure it's the same woman.
42:14And that's when I came up with the old school reunion idea.
42:17Del, go and fix that bottle of champagne.
42:18Here's a good chat.
42:19You've got a habit of leaving things lying around, don't you, Slater?
42:24Yeah, like the other night when you left your wallet lying around.
42:26I couldn't help but have a little peek inside.
42:29I saw that contract that you wanted Raquel to sign.
42:32Only protecting my interest, Del.
42:34If it's good enough for Rod Stewart, it's good enough for me.
42:37We also read that welcome home letter from your friendly diamond merchant.
42:42So what?
42:42Well, what would happen if we took that letter to the old bill?
42:46Sweet F.A. Derrick, you've overlooked something.
42:49You may have read my personal paperwork, but that ain't proof.
42:53I've still got Exhibit A tucked up safe and sound in my pocket.
42:56Now get out of that one, Perry.
42:58Yeah, well, this morning, before I woke you with your breakfast,
43:04I took your wallet out of your pocket and had another look at the paperwork.
43:07So what?
43:08Can I have Exhibit A, please, Rodney?
43:10Now, you see this?
43:15That's what's called a fax machine.
43:17It's exactly the same as the one we got in the flat.
43:20Oh, it's the state-of-the-art technology, that is.
43:22You know what?
43:23You can send a message anywhere in the world with one of those.
43:26You know what else you can do with it?
43:27What does that say on there?
43:28Look.
43:30Photocopier.
43:32Photocopier.
43:33Right, Roy, my boy.
43:34It photocopies things, like pictures, like advertising bump, like letters from diamond merchants,
43:41asking what you want done with ten little sparklers, things like that.
43:45So you've got a copy.
43:47Well, not just one.
43:48Several.
43:49I mean, so we mislaid something as important as that.
43:52It was a crime, wasn't it?
43:54Yeah.
43:55You said it, bruh.
43:57You seem to forget, Eric.
44:00I know a lot more about the law than you do.
44:02I've already stood trial for those diamonds.
44:05It served me sentence.
44:05You can't be tried for the same crime twice.
44:08Yeah, I know.
44:08Well, Rodney thought of that, so we went down to the local newspaper offices,
44:12and we read the reports on the trial, right?
44:14You know, they had every little detail there.
44:15They even had a photo of you in the football team.
44:18Do you remember at school?
44:19Spot the git competition, it was.
44:22Now, according to the report,
44:24you were tried for illegally importing 78 diamonds into the country.
44:29But you didn't say nothing about ten missing diamonds.
44:32Police don't know nothing about them.
44:35Yet.
44:36So I wonder how your mates down at the yard would feel
44:39if they got a copy of that letter.
44:42Probably mean a new trial.
44:44And be honest, Roy.
44:46Be honest.
44:47Be honest.
44:50You wouldn't stand a chance, would you?
44:52Not with your record.
44:54And it'd be an even longer sentence this time.
44:57What?
44:58Seven years?
44:59No, I reckon ten.
45:01Ten?
45:01Still, that wouldn't worry you, would it, Roy?
45:03Because you like reunions, don't you, eh?
45:05I wonder how all your mates in the nick will feel when I see you back.
45:10They'll probably throw a party for you.
45:12On the roof.
45:16Correct me if I'm wrong,
45:19but I suspect that you're angling for a deal.
45:21Quite right.
45:23All right.
45:23I've sold the stones.
45:26I'll split the money with you.
45:27I'll give you ten percent.
45:28No.
45:29No.
45:31Right.
45:32Eighty-twenty in my favour.
45:34No.
45:34No, sir.
45:35Come on.
45:36Seventy-thirty.
45:37No, we don't want the money.
45:39We don't want the money.
45:43All I want from you is a promise
45:45that you will give Raquel a divorce.
45:47Then you will leave her alone forever.
45:49You'll get out of this area and never come back.
45:51You'll also keep your big mouth shut
45:54because if one person, just one,
45:56hears that you were married to Raquel,
45:58then there'll be a letter with a first-class stamp on it
46:01winging its way to the Commissioner of Police.
46:04That's the deal?
46:05That's the deal.
46:05Well, those terms seem acceptable to me, Derek.
46:11Very acceptable.
46:13I'll give you my word.
46:14I'll keep my mouth shut.
46:16And I'll keep away from pillar boxes.
46:19I think that concludes our business.
46:22Michael, have a bottle of champagne, please,
46:25and two glasses.
46:28I've got a train to catch.
46:31Adele,
46:32will you do me a favour?
46:34When the baby's born, if it's a boy,
46:37would you name it after me?
46:40I wouldn't have thought so.
46:42Hardly fair to christen a kid, Dick, is it?
46:49Have a nice life, dull boy.
46:51I will, Slater.
46:53Don't worry, I will.
46:54Well done, Ruddy, we've done it.
47:02We've done it.
47:02What a team, what a team.
47:03What a bloody team.
47:05Why didn't we take his money?
47:07Because it's illegal.
47:09Yeah, but...
47:11Yeah, I suppose you're right.
47:12But, you see,
47:14when he sells the diamonds
47:16and he gives Raquel her divorce,
47:19she will be entitled legally
47:20to 50% of everything.
47:23Oh, Derek, I will drink to that.
47:27You two celebrating something, are we?
47:29Yes, you could say that, Michael.
47:30We just pulled off the deal of the year.
47:32Oh, yeah, that reminds me, Del,
47:34that fax machine you sold me.
47:36A photocopier on it don't work.
47:39Oh, don't it?
47:40That's funny.
47:40Don't work on ours, either.
47:50MUSIC PLAYS
47:52Oh, yeah, that's incredible.
47:58MUSIC PLAYS
48:00No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee
48:10Black or white, rich or broke, we'll cut prices and a stroll
48:18God bless Hookie Street, Viva Hookie Street
48:24Long live Hookie Street, say my defeat Hookie Street, my defeat Hookie Street
48:33Hookie Street, Hookie Street, Hookie Street
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