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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S07E08 1992 - Mother Nature's Son.
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00:00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:00:13But you don't ask questions
00:00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:00:24And the tides of the sea
00:00:26But is the one that's driving me berserk
00:00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:00:33La la la la
00:00:34La la la la la
00:00:36La la la la
00:00:38Everybody's loving fun
00:00:43Come to the future now
00:00:47It's so easy to think of
00:00:50So here it is, Merry Christmas
00:00:57Everybody's loving fun
00:01:01Look to the future now
00:01:05It's so easy to think of
00:01:08So here it is, Merry Christmas
00:01:15Everybody's loving fun
00:01:19It's so easy to think of
00:01:21It's so easy to think of
00:01:23Oh God, not enough, I die
00:01:41Oh God, not another day
00:01:44What time is it?
00:01:57It's time for us to emigrate
00:01:59Or at least discuss the advantages
00:02:01Of a suicide pact
00:02:03How are we feeling this morning?
00:02:05Oh, great
00:02:06How else could I feel?
00:02:08I'm 31 years of age
00:02:09And I work for Trotter's Independent Traders
00:02:11A lot of people would give their right arm
00:02:14To be in your position
00:02:15Oh, I know
00:02:16They're all tucked up safe and sound
00:02:18In their padded cells
00:02:19At least you seem a bit more cheerful
00:02:22Than yesterday
00:02:22You should come round to Trotter Towers
00:02:25With me one morning, Cash
00:02:27They'll give Terry Waite the shakes
00:02:29I mean, you can't move
00:02:33For teething rings, farly rusts
00:02:35And funny smells
00:02:36It's like Nightmare on Sesame Street
00:02:39Brackel's got postnatal depression
00:02:42Albert's got postnaval depression
00:02:45And Damien keeps chucking toys at my head
00:02:48You're a big baby
00:02:50Are there any fluffy dolls?
00:02:51Yeah, I know
00:02:52Del's bought him a Tonka toy for Christmas
00:02:54How is Del now?
00:02:58Oh, he's still putting a brave face on it
00:03:00You know
00:03:01Laughing and joking all the time
00:03:03He's worrying the life out of me
00:03:06I mean, we haven't bought or sold a thing in months
00:03:09And he's running round like Ken Dodd on ecstasy
00:03:11Well, I don't know
00:03:14Maybe it's just a recession, eh?
00:03:16We're broke
00:03:17He won't admit it
00:03:18There's a lot of people in the same boat
00:03:21Well, you're doing all right
00:03:22What does that mean?
00:03:24Well, you've got your promotion at the bank, haven't you?
00:03:27I'm in charge of small business investment at our Peckham branch
00:03:30It's hardly the house of Elliot, is it?
00:03:33If she does something, I'm just me
00:03:35You'll do for me, big boy
00:03:39I'd better make the coffee
00:03:46No, stay here a while
00:03:50You know what I'd like to do?
00:03:54No
00:03:54I'd like us to go away for a weekend
00:03:58Somewhere really nice
00:03:59Just the two of us
00:04:01I know we can't afford it at the moment
00:04:03But I get a bonus at the end of the year
00:04:05So maybe then, eh?
00:04:07Yeah
00:04:07Look, I'm sorry, Kaz
00:04:11I've been feeling down
00:04:13A bit pressurised, you know
00:04:15That's why I've been, well
00:04:16A bit lacking in certain areas recently
00:04:19I understand
00:04:21That's why I want us to go away
00:04:24So you can relax
00:04:26Is that nice?
00:04:29Yeah, that is really good
00:04:30Don't answer it
00:04:32Why not?
00:04:33It's Del
00:04:33How do you know?
00:04:34That's his ring
00:04:35It's seven o'clock in the morning
00:04:37Seven o'clock, that don't matter to Del, does it?
00:04:40It sleeps for wince, remember?
00:04:41Well, it could be Mummy
00:04:42I mean, she might be ill for all we know
00:04:44Still don't answer it
00:04:46Oh, don't be ridiculous
00:04:48Hello?
00:04:50Morning, Del
00:04:51I left five minutes ago
00:04:54No, he left about five minutes ago
00:04:56Mmm
00:04:57Yeah
00:04:59Well, I know he's your brother
00:05:01I know that Rodney's worried about you as well
00:05:04Look, it happens to a lot of men
00:05:07When they're under stress
00:05:08I don't believe him
00:05:12Well, aren't you the lucky one?
00:05:16Have I got a what?
00:05:18No, I haven't
00:05:19And I wouldn't know where to get one
00:05:21Tell him the money's on, bloody
00:05:22Rodney's just popped back
00:05:26No, he's left again
00:05:29Yeah
00:05:30All right
00:05:31Well, yeah, thanks, Del
00:05:32Bonjour
00:05:33Bye
00:05:35Touched a marmalade?
00:05:38Rodney, any tea in the pot?
00:06:02Yeah
00:06:02Plenty
00:06:03There you are, darling
00:06:08Is that the radio?
00:06:33No
00:06:34No, Elton John's just popped in
00:06:36He's rehearsing in the kitchen
00:06:37He'd see the pot, Rodney
00:06:41No, it's empty
00:06:43Call that music
00:06:45It's a bloody racket
00:06:46That's all you youngsters are interested in
00:06:48Noise, noise, noise
00:06:50Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself, Albert?
00:06:53But when I was your age
00:06:55I was fighting in a war
00:06:56Well, then you must have made more bloody noise than me then, didn't you?
00:07:06Hello, soldier
00:07:08How are you?
00:07:09You're a little cracker, aren't you, eh?
00:07:11Oh, Rudders
00:07:14I can't imagine this flat without Damien, can you?
00:07:16No
00:07:17Little devil
00:07:19You all right, Rodney?
00:07:21Yeah, fine
00:07:22No, I mean
00:07:23You, er, all right?
00:07:27Yes
00:07:27Everything's all right
00:07:29That's all right, then
00:07:30Well, what's wrong, then?
00:07:31No, nothing to speak
00:07:32Everything is cushy between Rudders and Cassandra
00:07:34Ain't it, Rodney, eh?
00:07:36Just a little bit of, er, stress
00:07:38This can happen to any man
00:07:40I just happen to be a bit, er, well, lucky, that's all
00:07:43Go and do us a bit of breakfast, will you, sweetheart?
00:07:46Do you?
00:07:47Don't you think I've got enough to do?
00:07:48I've got the baby to feed and clean
00:07:50I've got the old man of the sea there moaning because his egg was running
00:07:53I've got the beds to make
00:07:54Hoovering to do
00:07:55Washing and ironing to do
00:07:56And I finish all that just in time to cook dinner
00:07:58Do it yourself, Trotter
00:07:59Albert
00:08:00You can feed the baby
00:08:02Well, I don't know what's the matter
00:08:08I don't know with her
00:08:08Really, I don't
00:08:10I keep asking her, but she won't tell me
00:08:13Oh, come on
00:08:15I don't know
00:08:17I mean, what more does she want?
00:08:22She's got a nice home
00:08:23Lovely little baby
00:08:25Couldn't ask for a better bloke than me, could she?
00:08:29No
00:08:30No
00:08:30Is she happy?
00:08:32No, she is not
00:08:34I don't know, Rodney
00:08:35I'm down that casino nearly every night till the early hours of the morning
00:08:39Trying to win us some money
00:08:41And if she knew how much I owed him, she'd realise how hard I've been trying
00:08:46Doesn't seem to be happy with anything these days
00:08:51Del, maybe it's these days that are the problem
00:08:54None of us have got any money
00:08:56There's nothing for her to look forward to
00:08:58Just a daily round of washing and ironing and toil and boredom
00:09:02Well, you've got to take the rough of the smooth, haven't you, Rodney, eh?
00:09:05Well, I'll tell you this much, brother
00:09:06It's going to get a lot rougher before the end of the year
00:09:08All right, Del, let's have this out in the open
00:09:10I want the truth this time
00:09:12Something's going on and I've got a right to know what
00:09:15No, everything's all right, Rodney
00:09:17I mean, we've got no money, no business
00:09:19And our future is about as bright as a Yugoslavian tour operators
00:09:23But no, everything's cushy
00:09:26Oh, something else, Del
00:09:28I noticed it a little while ago
00:09:29You've lost that sort of zip
00:09:32The old Derek Trotter could smell a fibre in a false nine gale
00:09:36They used to say if Del Boy fell into a viper's pit
00:09:39He'd come up wearing snakeskin shoes
00:09:41You seem to have lost something
00:09:44It's like you're carrying some sort of burden
00:09:47Maybe that's affecting Raquel
00:09:49Because it is certainly affecting me
00:09:51I ain't taking the blame for that thing
00:09:53Well, you...
00:09:54Now, look, Derek
00:09:59If you don't tell me what's going on, I'm going to...
00:10:03Well, I don't know what I'm going to do
00:10:04I just think it's fair I should know
00:10:06No, you're right, Rodney
00:10:09I can't keep anything from you, can I, brother?
00:10:14Do you remember, what, a couple of years ago
00:10:16I applied to the council to buy this flat
00:10:19Well, what with the local council elections and the strike and all that
00:10:23Got foot to one side
00:10:23And I forgot all about it
00:10:25That was until a couple of days ago
00:10:27Then right out of the blue, all me paperwork has come through
00:10:30I own this flat
00:10:33Oh, bloody hell
00:10:37I worked it out
00:10:40The mortgage is two and a half times the rent
00:10:44And I can't afford the rent
00:10:45That's what's upset Raquel
00:10:48No, she don't know about it
00:10:49I haven't told her yet
00:10:50Tell her what else comes with this flat
00:10:53Do you remember Granddad's old allotment?
00:10:55Oh, not that
00:10:56Yeah, that
00:10:57I mean, what do I want with an allotment?
00:10:58Oh, blimey
00:10:59No one's even been near it for yonks
00:11:01In the last 30 years, more people have walked on the moon
00:11:04Than they have on that allotment
00:11:05Honestly, an allotment
00:11:08That makes you sick, doesn't it, eh?
00:11:11I feel like a mosquito who's caught malaria
00:11:14What a surprise
00:11:27Come here
00:11:28I'll feed him
00:11:33What the hell's taking him to have a nap?
00:11:37Puts you right off, doesn't it, eh?
00:11:39Nothing worth some Weeter Bix in a beard, is it?
00:11:53Sauce!
00:11:56It's all going right down the tubes, Rodney
00:11:58I've got to get some money from somewhere
00:12:01It's getting on top of me, bruv
00:12:02I'm cracking up
00:12:03Thanks, bruv
00:12:05All right, Dom
00:12:07Come and have a sit down
00:12:09Listen to me
00:12:09What?
00:12:10Well, there was this bloke, I used to know
00:12:12A few years back at my evening school
00:12:13He reminded me of you in many ways
00:12:15What?
00:12:15Eh, he's a really bright, dynamic
00:12:18Go-ahead sort of bloke, you know
00:12:19But like I say, in other ways
00:12:21He reminded me of you
00:12:22He was a kind who'd take a gamble
00:12:25You know, weren't frightened of living on the edge
00:12:27Anyway, a couple of years ago
00:12:29He found the very thing you're always looking for
00:12:31A gap in the market
00:12:33Oh, yeah
00:12:34Gap in the warehouse door would suit me at the moment
00:12:36Miles, his name was
00:12:38Miles?
00:12:39Yeah, bit of a friend of the earth
00:12:40You know, liked all that natural food
00:12:42Even grew his own vegetables
00:12:43Yeah, he certainly sounds the dynamic sort
00:12:46Oh, no, don't knock it
00:12:47There was a massive market
00:12:48More and more people are turning to health food
00:12:51For...
00:12:51Well, for the real
00:12:53Anyway, what Miles noticed was, right
00:12:56If he wanted to buy a bag of natural fertiliser
00:12:59He had to go to a specialist garden centre
00:13:01Or a small holding or something, right
00:13:02But then, if he wanted some organic vegetables
00:13:05He had to go to a health food shop, right
00:13:07So he hit upon the idea of combining the two entities
00:13:11Oh
00:13:11One centre, where you can buy all your natural fertiliser
00:13:14And your health food
00:13:16Well, he now owns four of these places, Phil
00:13:19And next month, he's opening up a new one
00:13:21In Maidenhead
00:13:21In Maidenhead
00:13:22Oh, no, yeah
00:13:23In two and a half years, he has become a millionaire
00:13:26Millionaire?
00:13:30At least
00:13:30And?
00:13:33And what?
00:13:34Oh
00:13:35What's in it for us?
00:13:36Oh
00:13:38Yeah, well, me and Cassie go shopping there sometimes
00:13:40Because she likes all that natural food
00:13:41Oh, no, no, no
00:13:42I'm not talking about all that
00:13:43I'm just saying, you know
00:13:44Where do we come in?
00:13:48Oh, well
00:13:49What did you tell me for, then?
00:13:54Well, I just wanted to point out
00:13:56That even in these dark days of recession
00:13:57Some people are doing well
00:13:58So it was just a nice little story, then, was it?
00:14:06That's like the parable of the lucky git
00:14:09Well, that's cheered me right up, that, eh?
00:14:15I've got to go and tell Raquel this one, yeah
00:14:17Say it, Raquel
00:14:19Raquel, you've got to come out here and listen to Rodney's story
00:14:22About some mush who's doing really, really well
00:14:24Oh, yeah, he's made a couple of million, apparently
00:14:26Well, it's warm the cockles of my heart, sweet heart
00:14:30Oh, yes
00:14:30Well, I'm just going to punch Rodney on the nose
00:14:33And then I'm off out
00:14:34Wish I'd kept my mouth shut now
00:14:38Where are you going today, darling?
00:14:44I don't know, sweetheart
00:14:45You know, mooch about bits, see if I can make us a bit of poppy
00:14:47I've got a much better idea
00:14:49Yeah?
00:14:50Why don't you go down and sort out your allotment?
00:14:54This arrived this morning from the council
00:14:56It's a summons
00:14:57A summons?
00:14:59Mmm
00:14:59Apparently people have been dumping rubbish on your allotment
00:15:03It's now considered to be an environmental health hazard
00:15:06They've given you two weeks to clear it up
00:15:08Or you've got to appear in court
00:15:09They even mention the possibility of a custodial sentence
00:15:13Oh, well, there's a thing, isn't it, eh?
00:15:16Are you going to tell me what the hell's happening
00:15:18Or I've got to starve it out of you?
00:15:19Well, you've sort of spoiled the moment now, sweetheart
00:15:22Because I was going to tell you tonight
00:15:23Tell me what?
00:15:25I'll tell you tonight
00:15:25Now
00:15:26It's about the flat
00:15:28What about the flat?
00:15:32It's ours
00:15:33I've bought it
00:15:34Oh, good!
00:15:50Oh, I thought you'd be happy, darling
00:15:52I'll go and get a bottle of champagne to celebrate
00:15:54Not for me, Derek
00:15:54I feel light-headed already
00:15:56Well, there we are, darling
00:15:58We've bought our own home
00:15:58It's ours
00:15:59We could do what we like with it
00:16:01Like what?
00:16:02Add a conservatory
00:16:03Or a nice patio?
00:16:05At least we've got a roof over our heads
00:16:06And 14 other families
00:16:08I'm going to change the baby's nappy
00:16:12I think she's really excited about it
00:16:20Well, who wouldn't be?
00:16:23Yeah
00:16:24Well, you know
00:16:25I'll go and calm her down a bit
00:16:32Oh, you all right, sweetheart?
00:16:35All right, Reckon, all right
00:16:37Listen, I don't blame you for having the rats
00:16:40I mean, the way things are
00:16:41It's enough to give Harry Segan the ump
00:16:43But you know me
00:16:44I'll bounce back again
00:16:45Soon have some cash on the it
00:16:46Is that what you think this is all about, Del?
00:16:48Money?
00:16:48Well, what is it, Bernard?
00:16:49God
00:16:50Haven't you noticed, Derek
00:16:51That I haven't been out of this flat for months?
00:16:54Well, have you go shopping three times a week?
00:16:55I'm not talking about shopping
00:16:56I mean going out
00:16:58And there's another thing, Del
00:16:59Last year, I decorated our baby's room
00:17:02Yes, I know
00:17:02A blinding job you made of it, too, sweetheart
00:17:04Thank you
00:17:04You went out and got a piece of carpet
00:17:06It didn't fit, but
00:17:07Yeah, I know
00:17:08I'm still on the lookout for that
00:17:09And our baby had his own little room
00:17:11Warm, cosy, safe
00:17:13Then three months ago
00:17:14You evicted Damien
00:17:15Moved him in with us
00:17:16And filled his lovely little room
00:17:18With all your old junk
00:17:19Junk?
00:17:19Junk?
00:17:20That is not junk, Raquel
00:17:21That is my stock
00:17:22Your stock, old junk
00:17:24Same thing
00:17:24Look, Raquel
00:17:25Del, you don't seem to understand
00:17:26Don't you remember
00:17:27That someone broke into the garage
00:17:29And nicked off my junk
00:17:30It's the lock
00:17:31That's why I had to bring the rest of it up here
00:17:33For its own protection
00:17:34Oh, Del
00:17:35Hasn't it dawned on you yet?
00:17:38All you have in that room
00:17:39Is what the thieves left behind
00:17:41How the hell do you hope to sell it
00:17:44When the burglars
00:17:45Wouldn't take it for free?
00:17:55150
00:17:56Bross LPs
00:17:57I know
00:17:58Well, fashion changes so fast
00:18:00In the pop world
00:18:00I was taken unawares
00:18:01275
00:18:04Free Nelson Mandela t-shirts
00:18:06I know
00:18:08Look, I bought these on the Thursday evening
00:18:10By Saturday morning
00:18:11He was out on parole
00:18:12How was I to know that, eh?
00:18:20Charles and Dyer wedding plates
00:18:22Nothing that a good sorting out
00:18:26Wouldn't cure
00:18:26A nine-carat identity bracelet
00:18:29Inscribed with name Gary
00:18:31We've got a box full of men's wigs
00:18:35That you bought before Damien was born
00:18:3750
00:18:39Pirated versions of the Poseidon adventure
00:18:41All on Betamax
00:18:43200 litres of Romanian risling
00:18:47Here, Caldell
00:18:50Dump it with the rest of the rubbish
00:18:52On your allotment
00:18:52Just clear the room out
00:18:53And give it back to our baby
00:18:55Yeah, but who's to say
00:18:56That I won't sell all this tomorrow?
00:18:59What are the chances
00:19:00Of your bumping into
00:19:01A bald-headed
00:19:02Anti-apartheid
00:19:03Deep-sea diving
00:19:04Bross fan
00:19:05Who has a Betamax video recorder
00:19:07Likes Romanian rising
00:19:08And whose name is Gary
00:19:09Oh, I'll clear it out
00:19:16First thing in the morning
00:19:17That would cheer me up, Del
00:19:19Really
00:19:19I'll be a happy woman again
00:19:20Promise
00:19:21Yeah, you wait till you see our mortgage
00:19:24Dear Lord
00:19:30Please let me prove to you
00:19:33That wealth won't spoil me
00:19:35Raquel said we had to help you clear this room out
00:19:40Oh, yes, that's right, brothers
00:19:41Yeah, yeah, yeah
00:19:42So we're going to clear all this out
00:19:43You know, get rid of it
00:19:44Make a clean start
00:19:45You're not getting rid of the wine, are you?
00:19:47You could flop that to Mike at the 19th
00:19:49No, I can't, Rod
00:19:50He's a very good friend
00:19:51And he's tasted it
00:19:52Yeah, and he's tasted it
00:19:53What did you buy that thing for?
00:19:58It was a surprise present for you
00:20:00So that you could go down and visit all the ships that you sailed in
00:20:02No, I read in one of them Sunday supplements somewhere
00:20:10That diving was all to go with the uppies
00:20:12Oh, they meant scuba
00:20:13Huh?
00:20:16Won't matter
00:20:16Seems to shame to throw it all away
00:20:20Yeah, well, what else can I do with it?
00:20:21We can't put it in the garage
00:20:22It ain't safe, is it?
00:20:24What about Grandad's shed?
00:20:25Oh, what shed?
00:20:26One on his allotment
00:20:27Well, your allotment, now
00:20:28Yeah, his old shed, you're right, brothers
00:20:30We could bug it all the way there
00:20:32Good thinking, Rodney
00:20:33Right, tell you what we'll do
00:20:34I'll go downstairs, open the van door
00:20:37You two bring all this stuff down
00:20:38Well, what do you reckon?
00:21:00What do I reckon?
00:21:02The last time I saw a place like this was in that film
00:21:04Gorillas in the Mist
00:21:05It's a jungle
00:21:08Who knows what lives in there
00:21:10Gil
00:21:12Gordon!
00:21:13Ah, but will you stop doing that?
00:21:15You nearly gave me a connery
00:21:16God, could have sworn I saw the blowpipe and the poison dart
00:21:21Have you seen all that rubbish that's been dumped round there?
00:21:28This is ruining my zoo, is it?
00:21:30God, look at this lot
00:21:32Dear, what are these drums doing?
00:21:35I don't know
00:21:36But they're full, eh?
00:21:37I wonder what's in them
00:21:38There's one open here
00:21:39Some sort of yellow stuff
00:21:42God, blimey
00:21:45Smell that
00:21:46Dear, what is that?
00:21:50I don't know
00:21:50They could be toxic
00:21:52Yeah
00:21:52Could be bloody poisonous and all
00:21:54Oh boy
00:21:59Dave
00:22:00Don't fancy you coming to sweep this lot up for us, do you?
00:22:04I'm not a road sweeper anymore
00:22:06No?
00:22:07What are you now then?
00:22:08A piano churner
00:22:09I'm an environmental hygienist
00:22:12And what do they do when they're at home?
00:22:14Well, they sweep the roads
00:22:16But the council have upgraded me
00:22:20Yeah, perhaps Trigger knows what this is
00:22:23This is game, isn't it?
00:22:25Leave it out, Albert
00:22:26Trigger couldn't find his way out of a telephone box
00:22:28Well, they'll come across it on his rounds
00:22:31Have a look, Trigger
00:22:32It's some sort of yellow stuff
00:22:39You were bloody right, Albert
00:22:44He's got it spot on
00:22:45No hesitation, was there?
00:22:48I tell you
00:22:48You have got to get rid of this stuff
00:22:50And fast
00:22:50This is the environmental health hazard
00:22:53That the council was talking about
00:22:54Oh, well
00:22:55Then we'll
00:22:55We'll pour it down a drain then
00:22:57You can't pour it down a public sewer
00:22:59It might be volatile
00:23:00You could end up with sh...
00:23:02You could create a disaster area
00:23:05There's a 24-hour waste disposal depot
00:23:08Down Stamford Road
00:23:09Drop them off down there
00:23:11Yeah, that's a good idea
00:23:12Thanks, Trig
00:23:13There you are
00:23:15Right, we can get these
00:23:16In the back of the van, can't we, Rodney?
00:23:18No
00:23:18Well, how am I going to get rid of them, then?
00:23:27Rodney!
00:23:30Rodney!
00:23:30Let's get these drums in the back of your van
00:23:41Hey, hang on, not so fast
00:23:43What are these things?
00:23:45It's nothing to worry about
00:23:47It's just, you know, some gunge
00:23:50Gunge?
00:23:51What sort of gunge?
00:23:54What do you mean, what sort of gunge?
00:23:56Gunge is gunge, isn't it?
00:23:57Hang on, Trig, for all we know, this could be anything
00:24:01I mean, it could be, it could be Concorde fuel
00:24:04No, it's not Concorde fuel
00:24:06It's antifreeze out of the Starship Enterprise
00:24:10Bloody fuel
00:24:12There'll be battery acid out of Thunderbirds 3 next
00:24:15What?
00:24:17Look, listen to me
00:24:18Do you want this contract or not?
00:24:20Because I am a busy man, right?
00:24:22I've got things to do, haven't I?
00:24:23Right?
00:24:23Yeah, but how can we be certain that this stuff isn't dangerous?
00:24:28Because it is not, and that is the truth
00:24:31God, dear
00:24:32There you are, you've heard it from the horse's mouth now
00:24:36You get that in?
00:24:37What do you mean I've heard it from the horse's mouth?
00:24:40That's Derek Trotter in there
00:24:41Not bloody Einstein
00:24:43Del knows what he's talking about
00:24:45And I don't see what a Beatles manager's got to do with it anyway
00:24:48What should you?
00:24:52What?
00:24:53When we was at school
00:24:54Del was the best in our class at chemistry
00:24:56He used to sell homemade fireworks
00:24:59He even blew up the science lab once
00:25:01Yes, I remember
00:25:03I was doing detention in there at the time
00:25:05You say you don't know what he's talking about
00:25:08Right, that's it, Del
00:25:09I am not touching them, I'm off
00:25:11Denzel, now believe me, it's harmless
00:25:13And to prove it, I'm going to help you carry it
00:25:16Look, I can't say fairer than that, can I?
00:25:19Look, they can't be dangerous, Denzel
00:25:21How can you be sure?
00:25:23Because Del's just offered to help us carry them
00:25:25Yeah, all right, Trig, all right
00:25:41Lovely, lovely
00:25:42It's closed
00:25:55It's a bit late
00:25:57You mean it's a bit late
00:26:02You said it was open 24 hours a day
00:26:04Yeah, but not at night
00:26:07So what do we do now?
00:26:16We've got 6,000 gallons of something in the back of my van
00:26:21We could take it down the other council depot I used to work at
00:26:25Is it open?
00:26:27No
00:26:27Well, what's the point in taking it to your, Debo, if that's not open either?
00:26:33Well, it soon will be open
00:26:34I've got a spare set of keys, yeah?
00:26:38I love you, Del
00:26:39Are you sure this is all right?
00:26:42Well, who cares?
00:26:43Yeah, no problems
00:26:44Come on, back up
00:26:45You're all right behind, Denzel
00:26:46I mean, is it legal?
00:26:48Yes!
00:26:50Let's up, will you, Denzel?
00:26:52Don't mean it's bloody hot in here
00:26:54I can't see the fascination with this diving lock
00:26:59There you are
00:27:12Now, aren't you glad you listened to me tonight?
00:27:16Huh?
00:27:17These are austere times, Denzel
00:27:19If it hadn't been for my persuasion
00:27:21You would have lost the contract tonight
00:27:23Yeah, I suppose you're right
00:27:24No, suppose so about it
00:27:26Right, that's 50 quid I owe you
00:27:29Oh, me, what?
00:27:32I'm not going to ask you to do this as a favour for me
00:27:34No matter how much you want to
00:27:36Yeah, but I thought you...
00:27:37No, no, no, no
00:27:37Don't try and persuade me, Denzel
00:27:39Because you're just going to waste your breath
00:27:41I'm going to see you for that money and no arguments
00:27:43He'd do anything for anyone, this bloke, wouldn't he, eh?
00:27:47That's what mates are all about
00:27:48Of course it is
00:27:49Gets you right here, doesn't it?
00:27:51Well, down in my book, Denzel
00:27:54Can't forget tonight
00:27:56Same here
00:28:00Thanks for everything
00:28:06See you, Denzel
00:28:07See you, Trig
00:28:08Good night, Denzel
00:28:10See you
00:28:11What's this?
00:28:26Oh, no, no bloke I was telling you about
00:28:27Miles
00:28:28What, the one that's done, you know, really well
00:28:32And has become a millionaire in two boxy years
00:28:35Yeah
00:28:36Well, this is one of his places
00:28:37Oh, what are we doing here then?
00:28:40Oh, Cassie asked me to go and get a bit of shopping
00:28:42Shopping?
00:28:44Yeah, for dinner tonight
00:28:46Hey, listen
00:28:51What's the point of getting married and then doing the bloody shopping yourself?
00:28:55Oh, no wonder you've got problems
00:28:56Oi
00:28:57You keep your nose out of my business, all right?
00:28:59All right, all right, all right
00:29:01Hmm
00:29:03Nice
00:29:06We've done off pen and ink in here, don't we?
00:29:08Shh
00:29:08That's the fertiliser and the menu
00:29:11And the other things
00:29:13Every single item in this shop has been grown the way nature intended
00:29:16Oh, yeah
00:29:18Well, that must be very nice for you and Cassandra
00:29:22To sit down to dinner
00:29:23Knowing that everything on your plate
00:29:24Was once under a pile of horse shit
00:29:26Put the rest of the shopping and then we'll be off
00:29:30Oh, well, hurry up, will you?
00:29:33No
00:29:33You've seen the price of these bugs?
00:29:36Yeah
00:29:37Well, you paid the extra because they're organic
00:29:39I tell you
00:29:40There's no E120 additives in these foods
00:29:42E120s
00:29:44What are you talking about?
00:29:46E120s
00:29:46Before you met Cassandra
00:29:48You thought an E120 was a buff
00:29:50Yes, yes, look
00:29:52Look
00:29:53Sprout tops
00:29:5528 pence a pound
00:29:58Oh, look at the price of these carrots
00:30:02I tell you
00:30:03What's this?
00:30:08Wait a minute
00:30:08This is water, this, isn't it?
00:30:10Water at 65 pence a bottle
00:30:12I'm trying business
00:30:14Cassandra and I happen to like this water
00:30:16Oh, well
00:30:17Maybe she'll like this water even more
00:30:19Oh, look, this one's only 72 pence a bottle
00:30:21God
00:30:22Is this what people are spending their money on nowadays?
00:30:26Yeah
00:30:26It's one of the few remaining growth industries
00:30:28Is it?
00:30:30Is it really?
00:30:32Rodney
00:30:32Miles
00:30:34How you doing?
00:30:40Pretty good
00:30:40Yourself?
00:30:41Oh, yeah
00:30:41Fine
00:30:42All right
00:30:42Oh, Miles, this is my brother Derek
00:30:44Del, this is Miles
00:30:45No, please meet your son
00:30:46Yes, and you
00:30:48So, what do you think?
00:30:49In one word, impressed
00:30:52Yes, in one word
00:30:53Bloody expensive
00:30:54Expensive?
00:30:55Well, yeah
00:30:57Look at the price of your sponge and your carrots
00:30:58Not to mention your Brussels sprout tops
00:31:0128 pence a pound
00:31:02Water?
00:31:0372 pence a bottle
00:31:05That water happens to come from the most natural sources in Britain
00:31:07And Switzerland
00:31:08And France
00:31:09And Italy, I might add
00:31:11I'm a founder member of the Swans Committee
00:31:14Oh, Swans?
00:31:17What, them big white duck things?
00:31:21No
00:31:21That was an acronym
00:31:22Oh, that's what I thought
00:31:25I was just about to say
00:31:27That's an acronym
00:31:28Bet you like
00:31:29Put money on it
00:31:30And you'd have been right
00:31:31Yeah, that's right
00:31:32Yeah, what do you feed them on?
00:31:36Your anacronyms
00:31:37No, it's not a duck or a goose or nothing
00:31:41An acronym is a name made out of the initials of another set of words
00:31:45Oh, yeah, oh, that anacronyms
00:31:49Oh, yeah, yeah
00:31:50Yeah, well, I've got to rush, Rodney
00:31:53It's been, um
00:31:54Well, it's been real
00:31:56Yeah
00:31:56Big bloody ducks
00:32:02Swans are the initials of the Sparwater and Natural Spring Committee
00:32:13And Miles is a vice president
00:32:15He's in charge of dishing out all the certificates of purity
00:32:18Without his signature, none of these companies can sell their goods
00:32:22Can't help but admire him
00:32:24I'll tell you, that bloke is going places
00:32:26Well, with a name like Miles, he's bound to
00:32:29Cabbage
00:32:33It just shows you what a little bit of hard work can do
00:32:44Yeah, I know
00:32:45Gives you a nice warm feeling, doesn't it, eh?
00:32:47What's a few aching muscles and blisters on your hands when you're confronted with a vision like this?
00:32:52I know what you mean, Del
00:32:53Yeah
00:32:54Oh, look at that, it's twelve o'clock
00:32:57All right, you two
00:32:59You've worked hard, you deserve it
00:33:04Back in an hour, Del
00:33:10Yeah, all right, no rushery
00:33:11We're never going to get this finished today, you know
00:33:14Well, there's always tomorrow, Denzel, that's my motto
00:33:16Okay, see you in an hour, then
00:33:18Ta-ra
00:33:18Right, Dave
00:33:27What's your bloody game?
00:33:35Oh, hello, what's up, Ralph?
00:33:36Miles has just phoned the flat to confirm his appointment with you
00:33:39Good
00:33:42He's on his way, then
00:33:43What's your game, Del?
00:33:46Hmm?
00:33:47Nothing, Rodders, nothing
00:33:49No
00:33:50Just after our visit to Miles' place last week
00:33:55Something happened to me, Rodney
00:33:57It came like a blinding flash of light
00:34:01It was like
00:34:02It was like St. Paul's journey on the road for
00:34:05Tabascus
00:34:07These rough hands are going to feed my woman and my child, Rodney
00:34:12I'm a born-again gardener
00:34:13You've never done gardening in all your life
00:34:16Well, I know that
00:34:17It's been a bit awkward, hasn't it, eh?
00:34:19Twelve floors up on a tower block
00:34:20But now it's me jobs
00:34:22But, Del, to you, a King Edwards is something you smoke
00:34:25And the only thing he's ever grown is a beard
00:34:29You don't know anything about gardening
00:34:31No, no
00:34:32But I know a man who does
00:34:35That's why I gave Miles a bell
00:34:37He didn't seem to mind
00:34:39Well, no, I suppose not
00:34:41Be in his interest, wouldn't it, really?
00:34:43I mean, he could flog you his fertilisers and what have you
00:34:45Well, exactly
00:34:47He helps me and I help him
00:34:48Conceal de Tart, as they say in Grenoble
00:34:51Oh, yeah
00:34:52Sounds like him now
00:34:53Oh, yeah, look
00:34:55Ship ahoy
00:34:58Ship ahoy, Albert
00:35:00Come here
00:35:02You know, you know what to say and do, don't you?
00:35:05Yeah, leave it to me, son
00:35:07Just a minute now
00:35:08Don't go overboard, will you?
00:35:10Just nice and easy does it
00:35:11Nice and easy
00:35:12All right, off you go
00:35:13Miles
00:35:16How lovely to see you again
00:35:19Beautiful day for sowing a turnip, isn't it, eh?
00:35:23This is it?
00:35:24Yes
00:35:25Yes, this is it
00:35:26I thought you said you had land
00:35:27You're even talking about leaving one area to lay fallow
00:35:31No, it's just an allotment
00:35:35Yes, I know it's an allotment
00:35:36I can see it's an allotment
00:35:37Yeah, well, you see
00:35:39The thing is, Miles
00:35:40That I'm new to all this gardening malarkey
00:35:43And I thought, well, you being a friend
00:35:45You could advise
00:35:45And Rodney tells me that you're the kiddie
00:35:48When it comes to an organic suite
00:35:49And don't forget, anything I need will be bought from your organic garden centre
00:35:53Yes, well, okay, fine
00:35:56Are you working with compost?
00:36:01No, no, I think it must be his pipe
00:36:03No, I mean, do you have a compost heap?
00:36:09Oh, I see what you mean
00:36:10No, not yet
00:36:12But I'm keeping me eye open for one
00:36:14You know what I mean?
00:36:16Yes, well, first things first
00:36:17We have to try and ascertain what kind of soil you have
00:36:19Oh
00:36:22Oh, well, it's, um
00:36:25It's this
00:36:26It's this earthy sort, isn't it, look?
00:36:28There are many varieties of soil, Dale
00:36:31Oh, there's
00:36:32Well, there's all sorts, isn't there, Miles?
00:36:37What's she doing now?
00:36:40He's a gardener
00:36:41He's
00:36:42What are you actually doing, Miles?
00:36:48I'm, uh, testing the soil for texture and structure
00:36:51I'd watch it if I were you, son
00:36:54There's a lot of cats round here
00:36:55Yes, it's slightly alkaline
00:36:58No, thanks, no, thanks, son
00:37:00I had a fry-up earlier this morning
00:37:01Did you realise, Derek
00:37:05That this could take five years of drainage and care
00:37:06To achieve the perfect crop?
00:37:08Oh, five years
00:37:10Oh, I thought it would take a long time
00:37:25I think we'll try a cocktail of fish meal
00:37:33Dry blood
00:37:34Mushroom compost
00:37:35And
00:37:36Orson cow manure
00:37:37Lovely jubbly
00:37:39And then we'll have to talk about crop rotation
00:37:47But the first thing is a good old-fashioned dignity
00:37:50No, no, Miles, don't you do that
00:37:54Albert will get it for you
00:37:55What's that?
00:37:56What's what?
00:37:57The water
00:37:58That
00:37:58Oh, that is
00:37:59Oh, there
00:38:01Oh, that's just the old Peckham Spring
00:38:04Ah, Rodney, there you are
00:38:05Go and get Miles' soil testing kit from his car
00:38:08No, no, no, no, wait a minute
00:38:09The Peckham Spring
00:38:10Oh
00:38:12But I never realised there was a spring in Peckham
00:38:14Oh, yes
00:38:14That's why it's called the Peckham Spring
00:38:17He's in the Doomsday book
00:38:19We don't actually know where the spring comes from, do we, Rodney?
00:38:24Oh, he's certainly sprung up from somewhere, haven't he, Rodney?
00:38:30Now, this is fascinating
00:38:31Oh
00:38:32A natural urban spring
00:38:33This is a real discovery
00:38:34Is it, um, is it pure?
00:38:37Ah, no, I wouldn't have thought it was pure, Miles
00:38:39No, not with all this alkaline soil
00:38:41Pure?
00:38:41I've been drinking that water ever since I was a little nipper
00:38:44Never done me any harm
00:38:46Miles, don't take no notice of him
00:38:50God, look at him, look
00:38:52He's 98, you know, and he's a bit
00:38:53Oh, wow
00:38:54He's 98?
00:38:57Hmm
00:38:57Yeah
00:38:58And he, Rodney
00:38:59Yeah
00:39:01But only recently
00:39:03I wonder if you'd mind me taking a sample of this water away for analysis
00:39:09What for, Miles?
00:39:10Well, to test its purity
00:39:11Oh, it ain't pure, Miles
00:39:12You take my word for it, it ain't pure
00:39:15No, I think Rodney's right on this one, Miles
00:39:18I mean, it can't be pure, can it, eh?
00:39:20I mean, it comes right up from the centre of the earth
00:39:22All through the rocks and things
00:39:24Yes
00:39:24And it's those rocks and things that filter the water of its impurities
00:39:28And give it its life-preserving qualities
00:39:29Minerals, Derek
00:39:31Oh, sorry, you lost me on this one, Miles
00:39:34I've got a feeling it won't take you too long to catch up
00:39:37Now, what I'm saying, Derek
00:39:39May I call you Del?
00:39:40Oh
00:39:41May we, may we, my pleasure
00:39:42If
00:39:43And I must emphasise the word if
00:39:46If this water passes our laboratory tests
00:39:50There is a strong possibility that we could actually bottle it
00:39:54Sorry, Miles
00:39:56What do you mean by bottle it?
00:40:00He means put it into bottles, Del
00:40:02Now, I don't expect for one moment someone like you to understand the potential of this water
00:40:07So I'll explain it in simple terms
00:40:09You have the sauce, i.e. the Peckham Spring
00:40:13I have the means of selling it through my natural food stores
00:40:17And if successful, we could even expand to supermarkets and other outlets
00:40:21Let me see if I've got this straight, Miles
00:40:24What you're saying is that we could bottle this water and then sell it?
00:40:30Oh, George, I think he's got it
00:40:33I'm saying it's a possibility
00:40:36Oh, a possibility, yeah
00:40:37Depending on the results of our laboratory test
00:40:39Now, um, I need something to take a sample away with
00:40:42Ah, there's a bucket here
00:40:44No, no, it has to be a sterilised container
00:40:47I'll just nip back to the garden centre, I shan't be gone long
00:40:49No, no, no need, Miles, no need
00:40:51Ah, I think I've got the very thing in my briefcase
00:40:54Um, Albert
00:40:56Yeah, I went down to mother care this morning
00:40:59To get my baby a new bottle
00:41:02A sterilised bottle
00:41:05Well, that do ya?
00:41:06That's just the job, yeah
00:41:07How old's the baby?
00:41:08Nearly two
00:41:09Yeah, he's a bit slow going on to solids
00:41:13But we're not worried
00:41:14Cos Rodney was three and a half before he left the breast
00:41:16Albert, I want you to take that and go and fill that up with water from the Peckham Spring
00:41:23Don't get any dirt on the bottle
00:41:25Leave it to me, Sam
00:41:26Well, I think maybe I should
00:41:28Ah, something I wanted to ask you, Miles
00:41:30You were talking about crop rotation
00:41:32Does that mean I've got to dig up me spuds and me Brussels sprouts and turn them over?
00:41:35What do you want, Rodney?
00:41:43I've just got to see how you're going to get out of this
00:41:45I don't believe it will end up in the neck
00:41:53Not me, Rodney
00:41:54I'm an old man
00:41:55You're going to take them as well, you reckon?
00:41:57Yes
00:41:58Ah, well, that's interesting
00:41:59Oh, here he is
00:42:00Is that all right, son?
00:42:01Yes, that's absolutely wonderful
00:42:02I'll get that off to the lad this afternoon
00:42:03Now
00:42:04Beans and carrots
00:42:06Eh?
00:42:07Well, we were talking about growing beans and carrots
00:42:09Oh, yes
00:42:11Nah, I've gone off the idea of growing vegetables now
00:42:14Come on, let's go down the road and have a pint
00:42:16Come on, Albert
00:42:17What?
00:42:22Ah, I've got four
00:42:23Ah, I've got four
00:42:23mungkin, I've got five
00:42:24moving mixture
00:42:38Oh, yes, I've been going to work here
00:42:42I think it's a miracle.
00:42:52Yeah.
00:42:53Certainly it's a miracle, Rodney.
00:42:55It's our dear mum.
00:42:56She's up there smiling down on us,
00:42:57making sure her two little heads don't starve.
00:43:01No, I mean, I think it's a miracle
00:43:02that we've been doing this for three weeks now
00:43:04and we're not banged up in Nick.
00:43:06We ain't going to be banged up in Nick.
00:43:08We ain't doing nothing illegal, are we?
00:43:09Ain't nothing illegal.
00:43:10We are selling public water to the public.
00:43:13Ah, I know that's where you're wrong.
00:43:14Because this water used to be public
00:43:16and then Maggie, she privatised it, didn't she, eh?
00:43:19It now belongs to a board of directors
00:43:21and a load of investors.
00:43:22They sell it to us, we sell it on.
00:43:24All we're doing is repackaging it.
00:43:27It's a bit like, you know,
00:43:28Esso, they buy oil from Kuwait, don't they?
00:43:31Then they repackage it and they sell it on as petrol.
00:43:34Right? Nothing illegal, innit?
00:43:35They could have you under the Trace Descriptions Act.
00:43:37You call it Peckham Spring, but it ain't from a spring.
00:43:40Yeah, well, Sainsbury's, they sell runner beans,
00:43:42but they ain't been round the track three times, have they?
00:43:46All right.
00:43:47All right, then.
00:43:48What about the claim on the label, then?
00:43:49From an ancient and natural source?
00:43:51Yeah, the Thames.
00:43:53Might be more ancient and natural than that, can it, eh?
00:43:56Anyway, we got a certificate from the Swans Committee
00:43:59saying it's in some of the finest water they've ever analysed.
00:44:02Yeah, because what they analysed weren't this.
00:44:04It was Malvern or Buxton Walter.
00:44:07Look, will you stop splitting hairs?
00:44:10Last fortnight, Peckham Spring has become Miles' biggest seller.
00:44:14He's doubled his order twice.
00:44:17Oh, look, go out there.
00:44:18See how a wreck hell's getting on, will ya?
00:44:26I'm surprised you'd be party to all this.
00:44:28I'm doing it purely for the man I love, Rodney.
00:44:31I'll claim a crime of passion or insanity.
00:44:35Anyway, I don't notice you turning me the money down.
00:44:37I'm just trying to make it easier on, Del, when the case goes to call.
00:44:41I mean, the less he makes on this scam,
00:44:43the lighter his sentence will be.
00:44:45To you, it may look like I'm sharing the profits,
00:44:47but in my heart, I'm simply halving the guilt.
00:44:50That is true brotherly love and courage, Rodney.
00:44:53If they didn't mean so much to me,
00:44:54I'd give you one of me medals.
00:44:57Shut up.
00:44:58I see Peckham Spring's really selling, well.
00:45:07What do you mean?
00:45:08Had lunch at the local wine bar and they're selling it.
00:45:11The waiter says it's their most popular brand.
00:45:14Must admit, it has got a taste of its own.
00:45:16Yeah.
00:45:17It's called fluoride.
00:45:19Sorry?
00:45:20I say, it's got to be tried.
00:45:23Oh, yeah.
00:45:24Everyone's buying it.
00:45:25And it's on trial.
00:45:26Trial? What trial? What do you mean, trial?
00:45:29Miles was saying a major supermarket chain
00:45:31are giving it a two-week trial.
00:45:33Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
00:45:35Are you OK?
00:45:37Yeah, fine.
00:45:38Look, if you're still worried about, you know,
00:45:40just remember what the doctor said.
00:45:42Don't be uptight.
00:45:43It's got nothing to do with that.
00:45:46Look, Cash,
00:45:48if I tell you a secret,
00:45:50do you promise never to tell a soul?
00:45:52Cross my heart.
00:45:53Go on. What is it?
00:45:54You know Peckham Spring?
00:45:58Mm-hmm.
00:45:59What about it?
00:46:01It's tap water.
00:46:04Tap water?
00:46:06Yeah.
00:46:07Tap water.
00:46:08What do you mean?
00:46:09Tap water?
00:46:10Well,
00:46:11water from a tap.
00:46:12From a tap?
00:46:16What tap?
00:46:18The one in Dale's kitchen.
00:46:22You're kidding, aren't you?
00:46:23Tell me you're joking, Roddy.
00:46:25No, really.
00:46:26He just gets a bottle,
00:46:27puts it under the tap,
00:46:28fills it up,
00:46:29sells it for 45 pence.
00:46:30Oh, my God.
00:46:34Oh, God, help us.
00:46:36No, no, don't panic.
00:46:37It's got nothing to do with you.
00:46:39Nothing to do with me?
00:46:40Where do you think he got the capital
00:46:42to buy all those bottles and boxes
00:46:43and equipment
00:46:44and the money to pay Daddy
00:46:46for printing his labels?
00:46:47What?
00:46:49You?
00:46:49Yes, he came to the bank
00:46:52and asked for a loan.
00:46:53And you gave it to him?
00:46:56I'm in charge
00:46:57of small business investment
00:46:58and this seemed like
00:46:59a small business investment
00:47:00with a future.
00:47:02I mean,
00:47:03someone had discovered
00:47:04a natural spring
00:47:04that had received
00:47:05a certificate of purity
00:47:06from Miles.
00:47:08And you believed Dale?
00:47:09No, Roddy.
00:47:10I believed you.
00:47:12Well,
00:47:13Dale told me not to tell anyone.
00:47:15Why didn't you tell me
00:47:16you'd given him the money?
00:47:17Because that's confidential information
00:47:19between the bank
00:47:20and its client.
00:47:22Well, now you know.
00:47:24What are you going to do?
00:47:26I've got no choice, Roddy.
00:47:27I'm going to have to
00:47:28keep quiet about it.
00:47:30Really?
00:47:31I'd just cross my heart
00:47:33and promise you
00:47:33I wouldn't tell a soul.
00:47:35And if I was to tell the bank,
00:47:37I'd most probably
00:47:37lose my promotion.
00:47:39I don't really fancy
00:47:40driving out to Wormwood Scrubs
00:47:41every Sunday
00:47:42to visit my husband.
00:47:44On the other hand,
00:47:45is selling water illegal?
00:47:47I was charged 20 pence
00:47:48in the garage last week
00:47:49just to fill up my radiator.
00:47:51Dale's kept up
00:47:52all the repayments
00:47:53and you're earning
00:47:54lots of money out of it.
00:47:56I've never been so well off.
00:47:58But there are
00:47:59geological aspects
00:48:00coming into play here, Kes.
00:48:02You see,
00:48:03we are taking
00:48:03thousands and thousands
00:48:04of gallons every week.
00:48:06The water board
00:48:06have got workmen
00:48:07on the estate.
00:48:07They think they've got
00:48:08a major underground leak.
00:48:09I mean,
00:48:13here we are
00:48:14in the middle of winter
00:48:15and our local papers
00:48:16are issuing drought warnings.
00:48:19So people are going out
00:48:20and panic buying
00:48:21Peckham Bloody Spring.
00:48:24So that means
00:48:25we've got to take more water
00:48:26to stay up with the demands
00:48:28and then to top it all,
00:48:29some prat has advised him
00:48:31to advertise on local radio.
00:48:32You?
00:48:38Why?
00:48:39Dale's my client, Roddy.
00:48:41It's my job to advise him.
00:48:43You are not dealing
00:48:44with a normal person.
00:48:45This is Derek Trotter.
00:48:48Don't you understand?
00:48:49He is sucking the land dry.
00:48:52I'm not expecting a visit
00:48:53from Lenny Henry
00:48:54and Bob Geldof any minute.
00:48:55I know, personally,
00:49:06I've always believed
00:49:07in powdered rhino horn.
00:49:08Shh.
00:49:13Phil!
00:49:15Oh.
00:49:18I was ever so happy
00:49:19to hear your good news.
00:49:21Oh, it must be lovely
00:49:22suddenly coming into money
00:49:24after all these years.
00:49:26Well, we're enjoying it.
00:49:27Yes, I bet you are.
00:49:30You can come
00:49:30to my coffee mornings now.
00:49:34I'll see you in a minute.
00:49:35I'm bursting.
00:49:36You're not the only one.
00:49:38We'll be at the garden party next.
00:49:40Oh, here,
00:49:40business is booming, Rodney.
00:49:42Yep, couldn't be better.
00:49:43The old Peckham
00:49:44Spring-selling hand over foot.
00:49:45You know,
00:49:45I just find it so hard
00:49:47to believe
00:49:47that someone with
00:49:48Del Boy's attitude
00:49:49could suddenly become
00:49:50so professional
00:49:51in his business approach.
00:49:53Well, he just never
00:49:53had a chance
00:49:54to prove it before,
00:49:54that's all.
00:49:55I mean, let's face it,
00:49:56if he hadn't cleared up
00:49:57that allotment so thoroughly,
00:49:58he'd have never found
00:49:59that spring in the first place.
00:50:00Well, how come
00:50:01he cleared it up?
00:50:01I mean, I've never seen him
00:50:02as an Alan tit-march.
00:50:04A bit of a tit, maybe, but...
00:50:05During our lifetime, Michael,
00:50:08we all go through
00:50:09many changes.
00:50:10Del just suddenly
00:50:11became very
00:50:11ecologically aware.
00:50:13Aware of the damage
00:50:13we are doing
00:50:14to Mother Earth.
00:50:15Yeah, and I suppose
00:50:15that summons
00:50:16from the council
00:50:17made him even more
00:50:17ecologically aware.
00:50:19Yeah, it might have helped.
00:50:20But at least
00:50:21he brought in
00:50:22a firm of experts
00:50:22to get rid of them
00:50:23drums of chemicals.
00:50:24A firm of experts?
00:50:25Since when have
00:50:26Denzel and Trigger
00:50:27been experts?
00:50:28Denzel and Trigger?
00:50:30He told me
00:50:30he used specialists.
00:50:32What?
00:50:33No.
00:50:34No, on the other hand,
00:50:35Trigger could be considered
00:50:36to be a specialist.
00:50:36Oh, Trigger still don't
00:50:38know which end
00:50:38of the darter throne.
00:50:41What I mean is
00:50:42he works for the council,
00:50:43doesn't he?
00:50:43So he could dispose
00:50:44of them drums
00:50:45at the environmental
00:50:45waste unit.
00:50:46Well, according to Denzel,
00:50:47they chucked him
00:50:48in a pond.
00:50:49In a pond?
00:50:49They chucked him
00:50:50in a pond?
00:50:51In a pond.
00:50:52He went till I see Del.
00:50:56So what's happened
00:50:57to Denzel and Trigger
00:50:58anyway?
00:50:59I don't know,
00:50:59I ain't seen them
00:50:59for a week.
00:51:02So what do you think
00:51:03to all this
00:51:03Peckham Spring
00:51:04Lark, Mike?
00:51:05I mean, knowing Del boy,
00:51:06I wouldn't be surprised
00:51:07if it ain't coming
00:51:07out of the tent.
00:51:08Oh, don't be silly,
00:51:10Boisey.
00:51:10I've seen the certificate
00:51:11all signed,
00:51:11sealed, the works.
00:51:12Listen, I'm even
00:51:13buying the stuff.
00:51:14Now, you don't think
00:51:15I'm stupid, do you?
00:51:18In a pond?
00:51:19Yeah, that's what
00:51:20Boisey said.
00:51:20You wait till Del
00:51:21gets back to this table.
00:51:22Oh, no, Roddy,
00:51:23no arguments tonight,
00:51:24please.
00:51:25I want this to be
00:51:25a nice celebration.
00:51:26It's the first time
00:51:27we've all been happy
00:51:27for ages.
00:51:29Yeah, all right.
00:51:30I'll have him tomorrow,
00:51:31I can.
00:51:32Oh, hey!
00:51:32Oh, hey!
00:51:33What?
00:51:34Oh, hey!
00:51:35Oh, hey!
00:51:35Ah, Rodders, listen,
00:51:36tomorrow morning
00:51:37we'll go down
00:51:37the old allotment,
00:51:38clear all that stuff
00:51:39out of this shit.
00:51:40I mean, what do we
00:51:41want with Bross LPs
00:51:42and Romanian Rysling,
00:51:44eh?
00:51:44All those wigs.
00:51:45Yeah, all the wigs,
00:51:46the wigs, I don't know
00:51:47why I bought them
00:51:48wigs and a birthday.
00:51:49Wigs saved my life
00:51:50once.
00:51:51Yeah, well,
00:51:52we'll clear it all out,
00:51:53we'll dump it somewhere,
00:51:54all right?
00:51:54Yeah, just so long
00:51:55as it's not in a pond,
00:51:56eh?
00:51:57In a pond?
00:51:57We've been talking
00:51:58about a pond.
00:51:59What's going on
00:51:59about a pond, eh?
00:52:00I don't know.
00:52:01How did a wig
00:52:02save your life?
00:52:03Well, I'll tell you,
00:52:05will you?
00:52:05You've got a mouth
00:52:06and a half on you.
00:52:09What's the street?
00:52:10Well, it's bound to be
00:52:11something that happened
00:52:11during the war.
00:52:13Might not have happened
00:52:14during the war.
00:52:15During the war, I was.
00:52:18During the war,
00:52:20I was on a corvette
00:52:21out in the Pacific,
00:52:22fighting the jets.
00:52:24And my old skipper,
00:52:25Captain Kenworthy,
00:52:26he used to wear a wig.
00:52:28Couldn't tell, though,
00:52:29except in rough seas
00:52:30when it used to slide
00:52:31to one side.
00:52:34And one day,
00:52:35we were attacked
00:52:35by a kamikaze pilot.
00:52:37Came zooming in
00:52:38towards us.
00:52:39I remember saying
00:52:40to the skipper,
00:52:41the way he's carrying
00:52:42on, he'll kill himself.
00:52:45Anyway,
00:52:46he smashed right
00:52:48into us.
00:52:49And there we were,
00:52:50nine of us
00:52:51and the skipper,
00:52:52all marooned at sea
00:52:53with all the lifeboats,
00:52:54smashed to pieces.
00:52:55Wait a minute, Albert.
00:52:56You're not trying
00:52:56to tell us
00:52:57that ten of you
00:52:57got on the captain's wig.
00:52:58Don't be facetious,
00:53:03Michael.
00:53:05I'm talking about heroes.
00:53:06Oops.
00:53:07Sorry.
00:53:09Finally,
00:53:10we was washed up
00:53:10on this island
00:53:11where the natives
00:53:12had never seen
00:53:13a white man.
00:53:14They were wagging
00:53:15their spears
00:53:15and getting very angry.
00:53:17Captain Kenworthy,
00:53:19he said,
00:53:19leave this to me,
00:53:21lads.
00:53:22Then he stepped forward,
00:53:23brave as a lion,
00:53:24and he whipped
00:53:25his wig off.
00:53:27You should have
00:53:28seen their faces.
00:53:30You see,
00:53:31the skipper knew
00:53:32they'd never seen
00:53:33a wig before.
00:53:34So what did they do?
00:53:35Make him a god?
00:53:36No, they killed him.
00:53:40They wanted the wig.
00:53:41For it had magic powers.
00:53:43They all ran off
00:53:44and had a ceremony.
00:53:46We had it away
00:53:46on our toes
00:53:47and got picked up
00:53:48by an Australian frigate.
00:53:51Well, we're off home now.
00:53:54Roddy,
00:53:58do you remember
00:53:58we said when we could
00:53:59afford it,
00:54:00we'd have a weekend
00:54:00away somewhere?
00:54:01Yeah.
00:54:02Well, we can afford it
00:54:03now, can't we?
00:54:04So why don't we go?
00:54:06Tomorrow night,
00:54:07just the two of us.
00:54:08All alone?
00:54:09You and me
00:54:10in a lovely hotel
00:54:11overlooking the sea.
00:54:13In a king-size bed?
00:54:15You can do a lot
00:54:15of rolling around
00:54:16in a king-size bed.
00:54:19I've heard
00:54:19a dozen oysters.
00:54:20Why isn't it like that?
00:54:22They're weak.
00:54:24I won't be in tomorrow, mate.
00:54:26Why's it?
00:54:27Well, me and Cassandra
00:54:28tomorrow night.
00:54:29We're going down
00:54:29to the seaside.
00:54:30Just be on our own
00:54:31for a little while.
00:54:31You don't mind, do you?
00:54:33Of course I don't mind.
00:54:35Roddy, though,
00:54:35that's a great idea.
00:54:37Yeah, in fact,
00:54:38we'll come with you.
00:54:39Hold on.
00:54:40Look at that.
00:54:41You fancy a weekend
00:54:42at the seaside?
00:54:43Take me home.
00:54:44I'll pack the bags.
00:54:45Hey, hey.
00:54:45Hey, hey.
00:54:46Come on.
00:54:46Let's call for a celebration.
00:54:47Oh, large friends.
00:54:49Guess what?
00:54:50Oh, large friends.
00:55:20Let's call for a celebration.
00:55:50guitar solo
00:56:20A glass of champagne
00:56:41Darling
00:56:42Oh, I think it's the same
00:56:43Oh, yes
00:56:47Got this in our blood, haven't we, darling?
00:56:52Well, champagne, certainly
00:56:53No, no, I didn't mean that
00:56:55I meant the lifestyle
00:56:56Didn't I always promise you a life like this, eh?
00:56:59Didn't I always promise you a life like this?
00:57:03Yes, you did
00:57:03I'm going to make the most of it before they put you in prison
00:57:07Raquel, they're not going to put me in prison
00:57:12You've got to do something illegal before they put you in prison
00:57:14All I'm doing is selling a very popular product
00:57:16I mean, look
00:57:18Even the bestest hotels in the world are selling Beckham Springs
00:57:21Ah, we're on a winner, darling
00:57:24And this is just the beginning
00:57:26Come on, that's for you, champ
00:57:29It'll be Mercedes and Cecil G suits
00:57:33And Lanzarote
00:57:34All the way for you, won't it?
00:57:36You won't know any other life
00:57:37Why should you worry, eh?
00:57:42I think I'd better put him down
00:57:44Yeah, I'm going to go and see Rodney
00:57:46Oh, Del, leave them
00:57:49They're...
00:57:50Well, they're trying to sort their lives out
00:57:52Don't know about it
00:57:53It's nine o'clock, we're here in Brighton
00:57:54I want to show a bit more decorum
00:57:56Oi-ya
00:58:00Oi, just popped in to see how you was
00:58:03It's all right
00:58:05Don't get embarrassed
00:58:06You ain't got nothing in there that'll frighten me
00:58:09When have we got into connecting doors?
00:58:14Well, that was my idea
00:58:14Let's thank you
00:58:16So we can mingle
00:58:17Like families do
00:58:18All families mingle
00:58:19Yeah, but you've been popping in more times than a gas meter reader
00:58:22Shut up, you talk
00:58:23Where's Cassandra?
00:58:27She popped into the bathroom about half an hour ago
00:58:30Those sandwiches were all right, weren't they?
00:58:35Ah
00:58:35No, she'd just gone to slip into something
00:58:38Half hour ago?
00:58:40What's she slipped into?
00:58:41A coma?
00:58:42No, no, no, she's
00:58:44No, no, what have you
00:58:48All right, I understand, don't worry
00:58:50You'll be all right, bruv
00:58:53Don't you worry, you just relax, all right?
00:58:57Don't let yourself get all taut and rigid
00:58:59Well, you know, not all of you
00:59:01Don't you go make too much noise
00:59:08I've got Damien sleeping in here
00:59:10See you in the morning
00:59:11That's it, babe
00:59:29You have a lovely warm
00:59:31You dream some lovely dreams
00:59:37Right?
00:59:39You dream about Christmas
00:59:45And all the presents that Santa Claus is gonna bring you
00:59:49Because a little baby like you is gonna be right at the top of his VIP list
00:59:56You know, when I was a little ankle-biter like you
01:00:01All I ever got for Christmas was an orange and a clump round the ear roll
01:00:06Still, the orange was nice
01:00:10I wish I knew what you was dreaming
01:00:15Still, it doesn't matter
01:00:19As long as it's a happy one
01:00:22And I'm in it
01:00:25You look really nice
01:00:48Raquel
01:00:50I love you
01:00:56I love you, Trotter
01:00:59All right
01:01:20Sorry I've been so long
01:01:21Well, I say the best thing is daytime
01:01:31In two years, it's been the only way to prevent the news
01:01:3424 hours of our pleasure restored
01:01:37So it was simply not long enough for people to learn new rules
01:01:40Of course, people want the guns of gum behind the streets
01:01:46But in fact, what's happened is the majority of guns have eaten in
01:01:49If anyone would be driven out into the countryside
01:01:52An effective policy of disarming would be a...
01:01:55A late news item
01:02:01The London borough of Peckham is tonight without water
01:02:05After a local reservoir was found to be contaminated by an unknown chemical
01:02:10The drums of the chemical, which has still to be identified
01:02:14Were discovered late this afternoon
01:02:16And appear to have been dumped in the reservoir up to a month ago
01:02:20The spokesperson for the Peckham Water Board
01:02:23Has emphasised that the cutting of water supplies
01:02:25Is purely a precautionary measure
01:02:27And there is no need for alarm
01:02:29Everything's coming up roses for us now, sweetheart
01:02:48Getting better every day
01:02:51It's all thanks to the Peckham Spreen
01:02:57I wouldn't mind betting
01:03:01This time next week
01:03:03I've been order papers
01:03:05I've been order papers
01:03:19I've been order papers
01:03:19I've been order papers
01:03:20We've got some authors
01:03:22Car Above the mill orders
01:03:23I've come to tell
01:03:24To the sun
01:03:25B wrap-a-douは
01:03:27Plate
01:03:28erfahren
01:03:28Blessed
01:03:30It's
01:04:02Mind their feet, hooky street, hooky street, hooky street, hooky street, hooky street.
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