- 2 days ago
Tv, Only Fools and Horses S06E04 - The Unlucky Winner Is...
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:18Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La-la-la-la
00:35La-la-la-la-la
00:37La-la-la-la
00:38La-la-la-la-la
00:41Is that all the devils can't love again
00:47Yet if it's only
00:51Maybe it's only that's for you
00:55I love this one
01:04Marble Arch at Dawn
01:05By Rodney Trotter
01:06Age 14 and a half
01:08What's this bit?
01:10Did you paint something out?
01:11Yeah
01:12The Eiffel Tower
01:13The Eiffel Tower behind a marble arch
01:16Is that meant to signify something?
01:18Yeah
01:18It signifies that originally it was the Arc de Triomphe
01:21But none of it spelled the Arc de Triomphe
01:24So I thought, I'm on
01:24I'll stick a double-decker bus going past
01:27And say it's marble arch
01:28And it worked
01:29In fact, my art teacher said in my school report
01:32He thought it was a masterpiece
01:33So
01:34How's it feel to be in the company of a genius?
01:37If I ever find out, I'll drop you a line
01:39Are you going to pour that or paint it?
01:48Rodney
01:48I know I'm going to make myself look very stupid
01:51But does this baked bean label mean anything?
01:54What?
01:56Yes, it does
01:57It means Dale's been putting all his competition stuff in my portfolio again
02:01What competition?
02:03Oh, it's his latest line, isn't it?
02:05He's going in for any competition he can get his hands on
02:07We've had spot the ball, spot the mistake, spot the dog, everything
02:11Oh, look at this lot
02:14Spaghetti hoop labels, crisp packets, Malteser rackers
02:19I didn't think Dale was the type to go in for competitions
02:22Oh, yeah
02:22At the moment, he's on the verge of winning a brand new Ford Sierra
02:26A free manicure for a year
02:28And a night out with Maria Whittaker
02:30Where is Dale?
02:32Ah, both he and Albert have got dates this evening
02:35Dale's seeing some bird called Pachula
02:37He chatted her up at a boot sale
02:39Who's Albert going out with?
02:41Oh, some old dear called Elsie Partridge
02:43He met her at Bingo
02:44She's a widow, I think
02:46She's got 11 children
02:4811 kids?
02:49Yeah
02:50Dinner husband got fed up and died
02:52You like smoked salmon?
03:00Love it
03:01Good, because they're smoked salmon sandwiches
03:05Do you want vinegar?
03:14Did you put a plug on the microwave, Rodney?
03:30Do you want something, then?
03:32Is our microwave 650 watts or 550 watts?
03:38I thought you had a date with Elsie Partridge
03:40I have, she'll be here in a minute
03:41Hold on, I thought you was taking her out
03:44I thought you were taking the girl's wash day, Matt
03:46How are you, love?
03:46All right?
03:47Yes, I am
03:48I'm not spoiling my evening for you, Rodney
03:50It's all arranged
03:51I've got a beef risotto for the microwave
03:54And a nice bottle of wine in the fridge
03:56Sorry about this
04:04It's okay
04:05It's okay
04:05It's the way it goes
04:07Oi, I know
04:09I could drop Albert a few quid
04:11Then maybe after dinner
04:12He'll take Elsie Partridge down to Bingo, eh?
04:15Then we could be alone
04:16Oh, look at the state he's left this place in
04:32Wait till I get my hands on that little plonker
04:34What are you two doing?
04:39It's as though you're sitting there waiting for your case to come up
04:41I've been sitting here discussing art, that's all
04:44Oh, isn't it funny that every time he discusses art with someone
04:47Their buttons come undone
04:49Here, right, Rodney
04:54Here's the keys to the van
04:55You can take Cassandra out now
04:57We're not going out
04:59We could go out for a while
05:01No, that's all right, Cassandra
05:02We're staying put
05:03Rodney, can I have a board meeting?
05:10Look, Petulia is coming round
05:13Well, Cassandra is already here
05:15We're having a cultural evening
05:16Yes, I know
05:17But Petulia is bringing all her gear
05:20Derek, I don't care if she is bringing her gear
05:25We are staying put
05:26But look, I'm giving her a yuppie salad, don't I?
05:30I went out first thing this morning
05:31I bought her smoked salmon and everything
05:33I don't care what you bought
05:35Good boy, you know it makes sense
05:40Where's my bottle of wine?
05:44Oh, blimey, Captain Birdseye's here
05:46I thought you were supposed to be going out
05:49With the old woman who lived in the shoe
05:50I am
05:52She'll be here for dinner in a minute
05:53Dinner?
05:54She's not coming round here to dinner, is she?
05:56Oh, well, that's handsome, that, isn't it?
05:58You might as well stay here, Rodney
05:59We'll have a party
06:00Sorry, I didn't realise
06:06No, he's been showing you his etchings, has he?
06:10Yeah, I think he's good
06:11Yeah, he's alright, though
06:13So I like a bit more realism in my art
06:16That's always let you down, Rodney, you see
06:18What are you talking about?
06:20That's realistic, isn't it?
06:22Yeah, and it's full
06:23Look, I said I'm sorry
06:25Yeah, but I mean, look at all the others up here
06:28I mean, take a look at this one, for example
06:31Marble arch at dawn
06:33What a cock-up that turned out to be
06:35Well, Rodney's art teacher liked it
06:37He said he thought it was a masterpiece
06:38No, he didn't
06:39He said he thought it was a mantelpiece
06:40It's alright for you to laugh
06:48He nicked my bottle of wine
06:49Oh, stop, mate, about your bottle of wine, you old git
06:52Anyway, Rodney didn't mean laughing shit
06:54Look, he's in love
06:56You know, we've got to learn
06:58We've got to learn to be a bit more understanding on it, you see
07:02Yeah, I suppose you're alright
07:04It was only a cheap bottle of wine anyway
07:06Well, that's it, exactly, innit, eh?
07:09Yeah, innit
07:10Yeah, that dipstick's only had my smoked salmon away and all, innit?
07:15Get my hands on him
07:16Don't have a go at him in front of Cassandra
07:19You just embarrass a boy
07:20Alright
07:21Perhaps you're right
07:22I'll wait till she's gone
07:23Then I'll kick him up the jack seat
07:24What do you want to offer me this morning?
07:26No, just a couple of bills
07:27Nothing from them dopey competitions of yours
07:30You won't call them dopey when I win, will you, eh?
07:33How can you win?
07:35You don't post your entry to a couple of days before the closing date?
07:38No, because that ensures that my entry will get to the top of the pile
07:41You know, you've got to think about these things, haven't you?
07:45There's a competition on the back of them cornflakes
07:48Oh, yeah?
07:49You can't win a raffle, you know, if you don't buy a ticket
07:51Hey, listen
07:53I'm expecting Monkey Harris to come round in the morning
07:55He's expecting a load of them Italian shirts from Malay at the end of next month
07:59Tell him I'm not interested
08:00Bitch, you are
08:01I know that, but don't let him know that
08:04Otherwise he'd expect a fair price, wouldn't he, eh?
08:07I'll get it
08:07What's that? Another competition?
08:13Yeah, don't worry, I'll win this one
08:14What have you got to do?
08:15I don't know yet
08:16Oi
08:17Yeah?
08:19It's Albert's old bird
08:20Yeah
08:21Uncle, your date is here
08:24No, I don't see
08:25An old dragon
08:26There you go
08:28You salty git, that's Petulia
08:35Right, there you go, love
09:02Thanks
09:05Oh, I'm sorry, Cass, I've lost my appetite a bit
09:12Why? What's wrong?
09:13Nothing, I'm just sitting here thinking about us
09:17And it's put you off your food
09:18Thanks, Whitney
09:20No, no, I didn't mean it like that
09:22Cass
09:25We're pretty close, wouldn't you say?
09:28Sorry
09:29I didn't mean it like that
09:33I mean, you know, we get on really well
09:35We have our moments
09:37Yeah
09:37Which, then moments, it's worrying me
09:41See, I've got a bit of a dilemma
09:44I think maybe I ought to discuss it
09:47Fire away
09:48Well, look
09:51We're both responsible, mature adults, right?
09:54Yeah
09:55Oh, well, that's it
09:59Forget it
10:00Done it fair, eh?
10:05Young fella like Rodney
10:06Stops all to have dinner with a bird
10:08And leaves a carrot
10:10To an old chap like me
10:11They've got no respect these days
10:13They've got no respect these days
10:14You fought in the war, didn't you?
10:17I fought in the war, didn't I?
10:19I thought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom
10:21And what do they do with their freedom?
10:24Anything they bloody like
10:25Anything they bloody like
10:27Oh, we unpack that box
10:30And put some of them shirts in the suitcase, brilliant
10:31Oi, is that for me?
10:32No, it's addressed to Rodney
10:33Oh, well, same thing
10:34Let's see what he's been getting
10:37Through the post
10:39Now, then
10:40Dear Rodney Trotter
10:41Thank you for your contributions, blah, blah
10:42We are pleased to tell you that
10:43Well, stone me
10:46What's wrong?
10:48Wait, do you remember that competition I sent off for?
10:50You sent off hundreds of them?
10:51No, the Mega Cornflakes Competition
10:53Yeah, what about it?
10:55Well, what they want you to do
10:56You have to draw a paint a world-famous landmark, right?
10:58Well, world-famous landmarks
11:00Not my speciality
11:01I'm more a portrait man myself
11:03So, just for a laugh
11:04I sent off the old marble arch at dawn
11:06In Rodney's name
11:07And guess what?
11:09He's only won
11:11Oh, bloody my leg
11:12No, no, look
11:13Straight up
11:14Have a butcher's at that, look
11:15They've given away ten top prizes
11:17Of a week's holiday in the Mediterranean
11:19And Rodney's got for one
11:21I always said that was a good painting, didn't I?
11:23I mean, it's the real
11:23It's always been Rodney's strength, that
11:26Oh, well, peace for the boy
11:28He never won anything in his life
11:30No, only a couple of them ugly bird contests
11:32When he was younger
11:33But, uh, what are they sending him there?
11:35Look, that's it
11:36Mallorca
11:36A luxury suite in a five-star hotel
11:39A la carte menu
11:41And a week's spending money for the winners and their guests
11:45Their guests?
11:46Their guests, of course
11:48It's always a holiday for two, isn't it, eh?
11:50Yes, I could do with a break
11:51Oh, yes
11:52That sunshine set me up a treat
11:54That's strange
11:55What is?
11:57Have you read page two?
12:00Well, no, not yet
12:01Well, I think you better
12:02Oh, no
12:06I don't believe these wallies
12:09You know me, son
12:10I never interfere
12:12But I think it's only right to tell the boy
12:14Yes, what we have here, uncle
12:16Is a case of a je ne sais quoi
12:18Pourquoi?
12:19Who's that mean?
12:22Well, roughly translated
12:23It means
12:24He who sticks his nose into a beehive
12:26Will get more than a nostril full of honey
12:28Do I make myself clear?
12:31I'm saying nothing, son
12:32Cush, dear
12:34Well, I suppose I'd better be getting off
12:37What are you and Del up to today, then?
12:39Yeah
12:39He's picking up a gross of Italian shirts off Monkey Harris
12:43And I'm down the market selling kiddies dolls
12:45I won't always be doing this
12:48Doing what?
12:49Well, selling crap down markets
12:51I'll get my diploma in computer science soon
12:54Then things will change
12:55You don't have to prove anything to me, you know, Rodney
12:58Well, you've got a good job in a bank, and sure
13:01And your dad's a successful businessman
13:02And me, well, I'm an apprentice fly pitcher
13:05I mean, let's be fair, Cass
13:08A girl like you, she could marry some really rich, good-looking bloke
13:12If I was to meet a handsome, wealthy young man
13:15And he asked me to marry him
13:16Do you know what I'd say?
13:17What?
13:18I'd say, ciao, Rodney
13:20And you wouldn't see me for the tinted windows on his Porsche
13:22But until that time
13:24I'm happy to drag along with you
13:27So you're not just saying that?
13:34No, honestly
13:35Oh, and here's me fretting, eh?
13:37I've been going out with you longer than I went out with any of my other boyfriends
13:44And do you know why?
13:46So I'll pack you in?
13:49Right
13:49And because I love you
13:52Oh
13:54Well, I love you too, Cass
13:58What, a load of old cobblers?
14:02Makes you want to throw up
14:03Why do you always come to this pub?
14:09The atmosphere, I suppose
14:11Rodders!
14:13Yeah, I'm on me way now, Dale
14:14Michael, a bottle of champagne, please
14:17Rodney
14:19Rodney, have I got news for you, Brad
14:22You, Rodney Tropper
14:25Have only won a competition
14:28Alright, what is it, a wind-up?
14:30No
14:30No, this is God's honest
14:32Well, there it is in black and white
14:33What can't speak, can't lie
14:34Look at that
14:35I don't believe this is happening to me
14:41Bloody hell
14:43Oh, sorry
14:45It's okay
14:46Where's the other page?
14:48Huh?
14:49Well, it says please turn to page two
14:51Oh, yes, that's all right
14:52No, I left that in a flat
14:52It's not a mistake
14:54No, no, it's all puckering above board
14:56I just phoned them up
14:57They're expecting to see you in Malauka
14:59They don't want to take publicity photographs and everything
15:01You're going to be on the back of millions of cornflake packets
15:03Am I?
15:05Yeah, you and the nine other winners, yeah
15:07Yeah
15:07Oh, Mediterranean holiday, eh?
15:10I've never won anything before in my life, have I?
15:13No, apart from them ugly bird competition
15:14No, he's never won anything
15:15You clever old thing
15:18Hmm?
15:19I didn't even know you'd been in for a competition
15:21Oh, no, it was...
15:22Dale, I never went in for this competition
15:27No, no, I did it for you
15:30That was a painting competition, you see
15:32So I sent off the old Marble Arch at dawn
15:34And it's come up tramps, look at it
15:36And what did the other page say?
15:38Oh, it's nothing, it's all about sightseeing and excursions
15:40And all that sort of...
15:41Here, listen, I'll get the champers, all right?
15:43Hey, come on, Michael, where is he?
15:45Come on
15:45A holiday in Malauka, eh?
15:47Hmm
15:48Will you miss me?
15:50I'm going to miss you
15:51But I expect I'll find something to replace the excitement of your presence
15:56You know, knitting, something like that
15:58No, listen, can you get a week off work?
16:00Yeah, I'm owed some holidays
16:01Right, what about your parents?
16:03I thought it was only a holiday for two
16:04You know what I mean
16:07How they're going to feel about you coming on holiday with me?
16:10Rodney, my parents like you, they trust you
16:12Do they?
16:13I'm not sure I like that
16:18Here we go
16:19Yeah, there we go
16:20I'll tell you what, Rodney's will be having champagne for breakfast every morning
16:23When we get to Malauka
16:25And it'll all be for larking
16:27There you go, darling
16:28I'll tell you what, I just can't wait to get there
16:30Yeah, um
16:31Well, the thing is
16:33Yeah, come on, drink up, drink up
16:35Here, come on, cheers, celebrate
16:36Cheers
16:36It's just that, you know, this holiday is for two
16:40And I was thinking
16:41No, no, no
16:42It's not for two, bruv
16:43It's for free
16:44For nothing
16:45No, no, for free
16:47For free
16:47For free?
16:48Yeah
16:48Are you sure?
16:49Of course I'm sure
16:50I read it
16:51It was in that second page that I threw
16:53I left in the flag
16:54Three's a funny number, isn't it?
16:57Oh, yeah, free's very funny
16:58It always has me in stitches
16:59It's free
17:00Free
17:00What I mean is
17:03These things are usually done in twos
17:05I mean, you see it on the telly, don't you
17:07Bob Full House and Price is Right
17:09And all that game
17:10A holiday for two
17:11So why's this one for free?
17:13Well, I don't know
17:14You get on a blower to the Cornflakes people and I'll see him
17:16Maybe it's because it's Megaflakes
17:18You know, they do everything bigger
17:19There you are, see
17:20She's cracked it
17:21I'll tell you what this means, Rodney
17:23What?
17:24It means that Cassandra can come with us
17:26Eh?
17:26There, I thought of that
17:29Thank you
17:30Love to
17:31Yeah
17:31Well, say
17:32Just what?
17:33Three weeks to the off
17:34Just enough time for us to get some new clothes
17:36You get your bikini line sorted out
17:38And then we're off
17:42Eh?
17:43Lovely jubbly
17:44Yeah, great
17:45Three people
17:47Yeah
17:48Yes, three, Rodney
17:49Just three
17:50Just don't keep going up about it
17:51All right
17:52Excuse me
17:54Oh, right
17:55Look
17:55See you later
17:56Okay
17:56Take care
17:57I'm just going to the ladies
18:01Sorry, I thought you was kind
18:10You wally
18:17Shut up
18:20Look
18:22I'm glad she's gone
18:23I want us to have a little chat with you
18:25I've got a bit of a problem
18:26Worse
18:27It's more of a worry
18:29Was it about the holiday?
18:31Well, yeah, sort of
18:33The holidays heightened my concern
18:35You know
18:35Made the problem a little more urgent sort of thing
18:38Yeah
18:38What is it then, Rudders?
18:40What?
18:52What, Ford Escorts?
18:55Oh, yes
18:56Oh, I see, bruv
19:07You don't have to worry
19:10They're not really that size in real life
19:12I know, lads
19:18Good, but I know they're not that
19:20Bloody hell
19:22What I mean is
19:26Me and Cassie are getting closer all the time
19:28Well, I mean, we haven't done nothing yet
19:31I thought you was on the firm with it
19:34No, no, no
19:36It's nothing like that
19:36But, well, you know
19:37Let's face it
19:38With the best of intentions
19:39These things can get beyond our control
19:42Yeah
19:42It's way beyond mine, bruv
19:44So I feel that in this day and age
19:49And what's happening in the world
19:51It is every responsible adult's duty to, well
19:54Go equipped
19:56Well, yeah, if you like
19:58Yeah, well, no
19:59That's very wise and mature of you, Rudders
20:01It's, no, it really is
20:02So what's the problem?
20:03Well
20:04I keep going to buy them
20:07There's a sort of stigma attached to them
20:14No, that's just a piece of silver foil
20:19You tuck that away
20:20I don't know why I ever involved you in this
20:30I mean, well, in this day of AIDS
20:34And all the warnings in the telly
20:35And in the press and all that
20:37People are still embarrassed to go and buy them
20:39You know what I mean?
20:40Me, I seem to think that it's only
20:42Seedy little blokes doing it
20:44Well, you get them for me
20:46Get on your bike
20:52You get them yourself
20:53Oh, my, come on
20:55Because I keep going to get them, right?
20:57And every time I go into the shop
20:59It's either a lady serving me
21:00On me bottle goes
21:01I mean, look at this
21:03This morning, I bought four combs
21:05A tub of it
21:06And a film for a Kodak installation
21:07Yeah, but they sell them everywhere these days
21:11Don't you?
21:12You can get them in a butcher's
21:13A bike shop
21:14In Patel's Multimark
21:16They got them by the phone card counter
21:17And, you know, the thieving man
21:20Had a machine in here
21:21That you could get them in once
21:22You know, except they got jammed
21:23With a drack mark
21:24Does, uh, Cassandra know about this?
21:27Have you discussed it with her?
21:28Well, of course I have, um
21:30Do you think I...
21:31Oh, God, she's coming for me
21:32All right?
21:36Want some more champagne?
21:37No, I've got to get back to work in a minute
21:38I'll stick with the fruit juice
21:39Oh, all right
21:40All right
21:40I'll get you some
21:41I'll get you one
21:41Cass, what I was saying earlier about our blossoming relationship
21:49What about it?
21:51Well, when one is in a situation like ours
21:56One...
21:56One...
21:57Or in our case, two
21:58Or in our case, two
22:00Should be careful
22:02Careful of what?
22:06That we don't become free
22:07Oh, I see what you mean
22:11Yeah, I do hope you don't think I'm being presuming or anything
22:15I just thought, well, we are going on holiday together
22:19And, you know, in that atmosphere of sunshine and freedom
22:22And, well, sharing the same hotel suite
22:24Our relationship could, well, who knows
22:28Ascend to a more physical plane
22:31Yes
22:33I suppose so
22:35Yeah?
22:40Well, who knows what might happen
22:42You haven't been discussing this with Del, have you?
22:46No
22:47Of course I haven't
22:48No, what do you think I am?
22:51Good
22:51Hey, Rudders
22:53You're in luck
22:53Mike's had a new machine fitted in the gen
22:55I'll get you some change, Rudney
23:00Oh, there it is
23:27Ah
23:28Right
23:29Pour the sangria, Jose
23:31We have arrived
23:32Hang on
23:33Hang on
23:34Listen, just before you go and check in
23:37Um
23:38This prize
23:39Ain't quite as straightforward as it seems
23:42Well, he did win, didn't he?
23:45Oh, yes, yes, yes
23:45Oh, yeah
23:46Well, it's all pucker and above board and all that
23:48I mean, we're, you know
23:49We've got all the tickets and everything, yeah
23:51So what's the problem?
23:53That's strange, you know
23:54What?
23:55Well, I noticed it on the plane
23:57But it didn't sort of register
23:58They're all mums and dads
24:01They've all brought their kids with them
24:02What's strange about that?
24:05Well, except for me, right
24:06All the winners are parents
24:08No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rudney
24:12He's the kids
24:13What do you mean?
24:16Well, Rodney's painting one first prize
24:19In an under-15-year-old category
24:23Say again
24:26So they think Rodney's 15
24:30Is that right?
24:33No
24:33They think you're 14
24:3514?
24:38They think I'm 14
24:40Why didn't you tell me this back in England?
24:44Well, I thought it might cast a little cloud
24:46Those are the holidays
24:47Look, Rodney
24:49I sent your painting off in good faith
24:51I mean, I didn't know there were lots of categories
24:53But it was you
24:54Not me
24:55You were the one that wrote on it
24:56Rodney Trotter, age 14 and a half
24:57So the organisers
24:59Must have put you in the kids category
25:00So it was your fault that you wrote on it
25:03How was I to know that in 12 years' time
25:06You were going to enter it for a Cornflakes competition?
25:09Well, how was I supposed to know that you'd win?
25:12Right?
25:13Anyway, doesn't matter
25:14Now, come on, come on
25:15You're going to waltz through it
25:16Waltz through it
25:17How the hell am I going to pass for full time?
25:21Will you stop doing that for some reason?
25:25Act your age
25:26This is your fault
25:29I'm going to break your bloody neck
25:30Just look over there, look
25:34Look
25:34Some of those lads
25:35Look, they're over six foot tall
25:3615 and 16 year olds
25:39They look much older these days than they used to
25:41And you've got the added advantage of your boyish good looks
25:44That's why there was free tickets, isn't it?
25:46One each for mummy and daddy
25:48And one for the spouse
25:49You can't expect 13 and 14 year olds to go abroad on their own
25:53Can you?
25:53Eh?
25:55And what exactly is your role in all this?
25:58Well, um
25:59When the Cornflakes people phoned up
26:01They said that you had to be accompanied by your parents
26:04So I said
26:06And I
26:06I don't know why I did it
26:08Not to be flustered at the time
26:11I said that I was your dad
26:13My dad?
26:16Did you hear that, Cassandra?
26:18Yeah
26:18And who the hell am I supposed to be as much?
26:23Oh, please tell me this is a bad dream
26:25You don't pretend, Cassandra
26:28You're only pretending, aren't you?
26:29I mean, you haven't got to check behind his ears
26:30Or pick him up from school or nothing like that, have you?
26:33I think we should go and tell them the truth
26:34Just a minute, Gobi
26:35Just a minute
26:36We're here now, aren't we?
26:38If we all keep stum
26:39We can have a lovely free holiday
26:41But if they find out we're lying
26:43They'll chuck us out of the hotel
26:45And if they find out
26:46We're telling the truth
26:47They'll chuck us out of the hotel
26:48Now return flights
26:50Not for another week
26:50So what are we going to do?
26:51They'll probably stick us in one of those
26:52Spanish halfway homes
26:54At some point
26:55They're going to realise
26:56I'm not full team
26:57But we'll be back in the hotel by then
27:00There'd been nobody there to ask questions
27:02Come on, we're on holiday
27:04Well, whatever else it turns out to be
27:07It's an experience
27:08Good girl
27:09Good girl, that's right
27:11You know it makes sense, don't you?
27:13That's it, now come on
27:14Come on then
27:14Come on
27:15Let's get over there and check in
27:16Come on
27:16Don't forget you
27:18You act a bit mumsy, you alright?
27:20What do you mean mumsy?
27:21I don't know
27:22You know, just a bit mumsy
27:24We're leaving in about five minutes
27:29Okay, it's only a half hour journey to the hotel
27:31So we should be there in plenty of time for lunch
27:32Alright
27:33It's the Trotter family
27:35Oh, Mr Trotter, good
27:36We've been waiting for you
27:36Hello there
27:37Alan Perkins, please to meet you both
27:39Right, here are your rosettes
27:40Oh, what about Mrs Trotter?
27:42Mr Trotter
27:43Thank you
27:44And this one's for young Rod
27:46He's a big lad, isn't he?
27:52Yes, he's like mother
27:53Was a very tall woman
27:54Three
27:55Really?
27:56Oh yeah
27:57That's Trotter
27:58Well there, here's your badge Rodney
28:00You are now a life member of the Groovy Gang
28:03Just an idea we came up with to help the kids feel really part of it
28:12Every time one of the organisers says
28:14Are you having fun?
28:15Or you kids shout
28:16Groovy
28:17Well don't worry
28:21Don't worry
28:22You'll soon get the hang of it
28:23Groovy
28:25Yeah, it's fine
28:26Well, we'll be off in a moment
28:28Yeah
28:28Sometimes I do
28:29Thank you
28:30I don't believe this is happening to me
28:33It's alright, Bobby
28:34It's alright
28:35We'll be on the coach in a minute
28:36Be at the hotel in half an hour
28:38And then you're free to do what you want
28:40Nice and easy, bro
28:41Nice and easy
28:42Okay
28:43All the members of the Groovy Gang over here
28:46Oh, no
28:47All the members of the Groovy Gang over here
28:49We're all going to the hotel on the fun bus
28:52Not with all the old fogies
28:54Oh, fogies
28:55It's all right
28:57You're enjoying this, aren't you?
28:59No, no, no
29:00I'm just playing along
29:01I'm just playing along with this
29:02Um, mums and dads
29:03If you'd like to follow me
29:04The coach is just outside
29:05We've laid on a little welcoming reception
29:07Back at the hotel
29:08I'm sure that none of you would object to a glass or three of sangria
29:11That's lovely, Alan
29:13Go on then, Rodney
29:16Go on, off you go
29:17There you go
29:19You're going with the Groovy Gang
29:20Well, you're going with the fucking Groovy Gang
29:23Come on, Ronnie
29:23Don't let us down now
29:25Come on
29:25They're looking over here
29:27Yeah
29:27I'm still waiting for a Rodney Trotter
29:31It's over here, sweetheart
29:33No, don't mind it
29:35No, don't be
29:36Hurry up, Rodney
29:38I'm not going
29:40Uh, is he not a good mixer?
29:42Well, good mixer
29:43Him
29:43He's like a camera chef
29:44What he gets going
29:44Oh, come on
29:47Come on, Rodney
29:47Don't be shy
29:48You'll soon make friends
29:50We're all going for a jumbo hamburger
29:53And double french fries
29:54Oh, that's his favourite
29:56Don't get any ketchup down your shirt
29:59That's two for Santa
30:01We'll see you back at the hotel then, Rodney
30:05All right
30:06Right now, come on then
30:07Come on, darling
30:08Don't push your luck, Derek
30:10Thank you, Alan
30:12Thank you
30:12Do you like frost?
30:23No
30:24All together
30:28Are you having fun?
30:30Great
30:30That's better
30:32Let's go
30:33Here we go
30:34Here we go
30:35Here we go
30:36Here we go
30:38Here we go
30:39Here we go
30:40Here we go
30:42Here we go
30:43Here we go
30:44Here we go
30:46All right?
31:05It's really nice here.
31:06I've just been down to reception.
31:08I bought some Spanish state lottery tickets.
31:11I filled them in for you and everything.
31:13I bought some for you.
31:14Look, there's some for Rodney.
31:15There, look.
31:15There's some for me.
31:16All right?
31:17I'll put yours down here.
31:18There you go.
31:18You never know.
31:19You never know our luck,
31:20because we're on a winning roll, haven't we?
31:22Tell that to poor Rodney.
31:24Oh, look, don't keep going on about it.
31:26You're going to spoil the holiday, you are.
31:28We should have a look around.
31:29What's here?
31:29Ah, that's very nice.
31:32That must be Rodney's room.
31:33It's got a picture of Prince on the wall.
31:36If that's Rodney's room,
31:37where am I supposed to sleep?
31:39Well, I thought that you and Rodney...
31:42No, maybe not, eh?
31:44No.
31:45I'll sleep in there.
31:46You and Rodney can have the honeymoon bed.
31:48All right, all right.
31:49Anything you say, sweetheart, anything you say,
31:51I just thought it might be a bit strange
31:52when the old maid come in, you know,
31:54see me and old Rodney tucked up on the king's eyes.
31:56It would look even stranger
31:58if she found Rodney sleeping with his stepmother.
32:02I never thought of that.
32:04I'd better go and cancel breakfast in bed.
32:07Mr, do you want me to take that picture of Prince
32:08down off the wall there?
32:10Just leave it, Derek.
32:11You've done enough for Rodney and I as it is.
32:13Look, I thought the Cornflakes people
32:16would leave us alone to enjoy our holiday.
32:18I didn't know they were going to
32:19conscript Rodney into the groovy gang.
32:22I mean, why do they want to do that?
32:23Mr Perkins explained it to us.
32:25It's so the youngsters won't get bored
32:27and the parents can have a rest.
32:28I won't see you in more week, will I?
32:30Yes, of course you will.
32:32He's bound to get a spot of leave.
32:34Oh, look, there he is.
32:37There they all go now.
32:39Hey, Rodney, don't go mad.
32:43They just went down over that hill there.
32:45That was quick, wasn't it?
32:47Yeah, yeah.
32:47They were on skateboards.
32:50Rodney was the leader.
32:51He was right out in front.
32:52Leader of the pack.
32:54Oh, my God.
32:57Hello?
32:57May I come in?
32:58Yes, come in.
33:00Hello, Mrs. Strother.
33:01Sure, sure.
33:02Oh, um, good afternoon, Carmen.
33:04Is, uh, Rodney here?
33:06No, he's not here at the moment.
33:08Oh, he's still out enjoying himself.
33:11Yes.
33:11Well, it's just to let him know
33:13about the junior disco on Wednesday night.
33:15But I'll come back later and see you then.
33:18Bye for now.
33:19That's it. Bye-bye.
33:19Bye.
33:21Did you hear that?
33:22Yeah, it's all right.
33:23Rodney likes a little dance.
33:24It's a junior disco.
33:27Well, all right, we'll say he's ill.
33:28Oh, what more lies?
33:29No, that'll be the truth.
33:30When we tell him, he's bound to be a top and dick.
33:34Listen, uh, I'm going to have a wash.
33:36Then we go downstairs and see if we can get something to eat.
33:38All right.
33:39What about Rodney?
33:40Oh, that's all right.
33:41We'll pick him up down there somewhere.
33:43Yeah, just look for the nearest sand pit.
33:47Very funny, yeah.
33:48What have you been doing?
34:07I've been skateboarding for some reason.
34:11Oh, I see.
34:12Where's Bill?
34:14He's having a wash.
34:15Derek?
34:24Hello, brothers.
34:25Yes, I'm back.
34:27Could you come out, please?
34:28I'd like a word with you.
34:31Where'd you done, bruv?
34:32No, could you come out now?
34:34Oh, I've got my pants off, Rodney.
34:37Well, it's quite urgent, Del.
34:39You all right?
34:40Give us five minutes.
34:41I'm in with you.
34:41Sorry about the bad language, Cassandra.
34:45What bad language?
34:47Get it in there, you dibstack!
34:48I'm going to kill you!
34:52What's up with you?
34:54I'll tell you what's up with me.
34:55Thanks to you, I am now a 26-year-old man
34:58who's just come second in a skateboard derby.
35:02Second?
35:03You were in the league when I saw you.
35:04I fell off.
35:10I told you not to go mad.
35:14I also have a 13-year-old bros fan called Trudy
35:17who's got the hots for me.
35:19And tomorrow, I start the first of three
35:21cycling proficiency lessons, and I'm going to kill you.
35:25Hold down, Rodney, you're maybe like a big kid.
35:28Gage!
35:29I'm not coming out until you've simmered down a bit,
35:32I'll tell you that.
35:34Well, I'll wait.
35:35I don't care if it takes all bloody week.
35:37I'm going to get you, Derek Trotter.
35:39I'm going to get you!
35:46Have you seen the view?
35:50No.
35:51Would you like a drink?
36:06Strychnine, please.
36:08Ice and lemon.
36:13That's where I'll come off.
36:18Toxie lizard.
36:19Should we clean it up for you?
36:21No.
36:23Well, it could turn septic.
36:25Good.
36:31Is that Trudy waving at you?
36:34Yeah.
36:46Psst.
36:49You calm down, yet?
36:50Get!
36:56Fainites.
36:56Right?
36:57Fainites.
37:00Oh, Rodney.
37:03Look, do you think if I knew this was going to happen
37:05that I'd allow us to come over here?
37:07Of course you would.
37:09Because you don't give a toss about anybody else
37:11as long as you're having a good time.
37:13Oh, that hurts, Rodney.
37:16No, that hurts.
37:17It's like a...
37:18It's like a knife going right through my heart, that.
37:21I may be many things, but I'm not selfish.
37:24Cheers, darling.
37:27Anyway,
37:28they probably fixed up all the entertainments
37:30to daylight
37:30to make you feel at home.
37:31You know, most probably rest of the week
37:33is your own.
37:34Oh, my.
37:34I was given the full itinerary.
37:38Tomorrow,
37:39after my cycling lesson,
37:41we're all off to the splash and slide.
37:44Then Wednesday,
37:45in the morning,
37:45we're going go-karting.
37:47Then in the afternoon,
37:48we have a ping-pong championship.
37:51Then on Thursday,
37:52me and the rest of the groovy gang
37:54are out all day
37:54painting Palmer Cathedral.
37:56What in,
37:58Matt or Vinyl?
38:01You're enjoying
38:02every bloody minute
38:03of this and so on.
38:03No, I'm not.
38:04I'm not.
38:05I'm just trying to lighten the atmosphere.
38:08Honestly,
38:08if you keep up this mood,
38:09you're going to ruin this holiday for us.
38:11Listen to me, you git.
38:12The arguing is not going to help.
38:15What's you doing?
38:16I bet you told him
38:17about the Junior Disco,
38:18didn't you?
38:18Junior Disco?
38:21I didn't say a word.
38:22I ain't going to a Junior Disco.
38:23It's all right, Rodney.
38:24It's all right.
38:25You don't have to.
38:26Me and your step-mum
38:27have sorted it all out.
38:29They're going to say
38:29you've got the gut's ache.
38:30Oh, I'm not saying I'm ill.
38:31Why not?
38:32I've got a great fat nurse
38:33to look after us.
38:35You like a bit of uniform,
38:37though, don't you?
38:38Yeah, but you want to see her.
38:40She'd have to go on a diet
38:41to get into the roly-polies.
38:45God, what a choice, eh?
38:48I'll either have all day
38:49with Trudy in the ear,
38:50all going on about Matt and Luke,
38:52or I'll have to have
38:53me belly rubbed
38:54by Sister George.
38:55Tricky one, brav.
38:58You are enjoying this,
38:59and Chuck.
39:00No, I am not.
39:02You're deliberately saying
39:03things to annoy Rodney,
39:04aren't you?
39:05All right,
39:05I won't say another word.
39:07Right, that's it.
39:08I'm just going to go out
39:09and have a walk
39:09round the town,
39:10all right?
39:10I didn't know you like uniforms.
39:20No, no, it's just them
39:22mucking about.
39:23Yeah.
39:24Oh, yes?
39:26Is Rodney back yet?
39:27Oh, yeah, come in,
39:28come in, just a minute.
39:29I'll give him a shout.
39:31Rodney, Rodney,
39:32the RK lorry's here.
39:33We just thought
39:46we'd take the opportunity
39:47to check your passports.
39:49Oh, yeah.
39:50What do you want to check
39:50our passports for?
39:52It's simply
39:53Spanish regulations.
39:54Immigration laws,
39:55I'm sure you understand.
39:56Yes, of course.
39:56Do you know
39:57where our passports are, dear?
39:58Oh, yes.
39:59I'll just get them.
40:00Mm-hmm.
40:05My date of birth's
40:06on my passports.
40:07Don't worry,
40:07I've doctored it.
40:08Oh, thank you.
40:09You've done what?
40:10It was only written in biro,
40:12so I altered the last
40:13two numbers
40:14to make it look
40:14as though you were born
40:15in 1974.
40:16Right?
40:17Don't believe me.
40:18Here they are.
40:30Well, um,
40:41everything seems
40:42to be in order.
40:42Sorry to have bothered you.
40:44Yes, well...
40:45Oh, Rodney,
40:46don't forget about
40:46the Junior Disco
40:47on Wednesday night.
40:48We start at 7.30.
40:50It's great fun.
40:51We have break dancing
40:52and we have spot prizes.
40:54Smash him.
40:56Cheerio.
40:56Thank you very much.
40:58Thank you now.
40:58Bye-bye.
40:58Bye-bye.
40:59God, stone me.
41:08Listen, I reckon
41:09we ought to keep
41:10our heads down
41:10for a while, all right?
41:11I'll tell you what I'll do.
41:12I'll order some room service
41:13for us, okay?
41:14What?
41:14No, no, no.
41:15You don't have to do that.
41:17Mum, we're all right now,
41:18aren't we?
41:19See?
41:19Why don't you,
41:20you know,
41:21go out for a little while?
41:22Well, you know,
41:25you look like you could do
41:25with a bit of fresh air.
41:30Oh, yeah.
41:32Yeah, yeah,
41:33no, you're right.
41:33No, actually,
41:34I do feel, you know,
41:35a bit claustrophobic.
41:37Yeah.
41:38Well, I'll, um...
41:39I'll leave you two alone,
41:40then, shall I?
41:41Yeah.
41:42Oh, Rodney?
41:52Yeah?
41:53They're in my flight bag.
41:54LAUGHTER
41:55LAUGHTER
41:56LAUGHTER
42:00LAUGHTER
42:01He said he fell down with me.
42:07LAUGHTER
42:08No, listen, come on.
42:10Listen, you two better go.
42:11I'll see you later.
42:12All right.
42:12Come on, man.
42:13This is a good thing.
42:14Off you go.
42:17Ahem.
42:17Ahem.
42:21All right?
42:23No.
42:24I thought Rodney and I
42:25would be spending
42:25a romantic week together.
42:27LAUGHTER
42:28LAUGHTER
42:29Would it?
42:31Right?
42:33LAUGHTER
42:33That's charming,
42:34that is, isn't it, mate?
42:35LAUGHTER
42:36You're going to lose brownie points
42:38for that one.
42:39LAUGHTER
42:40LAUGHTER
42:41See, he's been enjoying himself,
42:42hasn't he?
42:42Rodney's not enjoying himself.
42:45Last night he cried.
42:46Why do you think
42:48he's carrying on
42:49with this pretense?
42:50He certainly ain't doing it for me.
42:51Cos if me and Rodders
42:52have been here on our own,
42:53we'd have been out on that street
42:54ten minutes after landing.
42:55Yeah.
42:57He's only doing this for you, sweetheart.
42:59Really?
43:00Would I lie to you?
43:02He only wants to see you
43:03having a good time.
43:04He wants to see you
43:05enjoying the sunshine.
43:06He's only trying to make you happy.
43:08So the least you can do
43:09is to put on a smile
43:10and show that his sacrifices
43:11have not been in vain.
43:12I didn't realise.
43:13No.
43:14Well, there you are.
43:16I didn't want to tell you,
43:17but, you know,
43:17you forced me out.
43:19Oh, here he is.
43:21All right.
43:22Ah, come on, brothers.
43:23I'll be back in a minute.
43:25LAUGHTER
43:25LAUGHTER
43:25Having fun?
43:29Groovy.
43:30LAUGHTER
43:30Oh, you didn't get me a drink, then?
43:32Well, not to worry.
43:33I'll get my own.
43:34Oi, don't get stroppy about it.
43:35Don't get...
43:36I have a large Bacardi and coat, please.
43:38And an orange cordial
43:39with ice and a straw, please.
43:42Yeah, I'm going to tell the truth.
43:43I don't care if they do
43:44chuck us out on the street, mate.
43:45I just don't care.
43:47That's all right.
43:48Go on, go on.
43:48You just think of number one, eh?
43:50What about that poor mare?
43:52She's having the time of her life
43:54on this holiday.
43:56We're not talking about Cassandra.
43:57Yes, we are.
43:58She just told me.
44:00But last night,
44:01she told me she hated it.
44:02Said she'd rather be self-catering
44:04in Beirut.
44:06No, she's only doing that for you.
44:08Cos she thinks you've got the hump
44:09because you've had to go in
44:10for these ping-pong championships
44:12and hamburger eating contests.
44:14She's only backing you up.
44:16But secretly, really,
44:17she's really enjoying herself.
44:20When you go on,
44:20you go and ask her.
44:22I didn't like that.
44:22No, well, I didn't want to tell you,
44:24but, you know,
44:24you're forced out of me.
44:25Oh, dear, that's all right.
44:26Ahem.
44:28OK.
44:29There you go.
44:29Now, come on.
44:30You come and ask her, then.
44:31Come on.
44:31Hey.
44:36So,
44:37you enjoying yourself?
44:39Yeah.
44:40I'm having a great time.
44:42You?
44:43Yeah.
44:44Cosmic.
44:45Cos we were staying here
44:47for a fortnight.
44:50You enjoying yourself, Del?
44:52Oh, you know,
44:52not bad, I suppose.
44:54I really...
44:55Oh, yeah,
44:56be with you
44:56in a minute,
44:57sweethearts.
44:58I promise to take
44:59them two girls
45:00to a nightclub.
45:01All right.
45:01I may be back
45:04late.
45:04I may be back late.
45:04Oh, yeah.
45:05Oh, yeah.
45:09Roddy!
45:10Roddy, is the finals
45:11of the breakdancing
45:12championship?
45:13Good.
45:14What's he watching?
45:16Watching?
45:17I'm in it.
45:18John, Juan, can I have a pina collade with ice and Alka-Seltzer?
45:34Where have you been?
45:36Sorry, dear, I've been out all night.
45:37You know, you said we was on the winning roll.
45:39Yeah.
45:40He won't have a roll, my son.
45:40It was a bloody avalanche.
45:42I'm not with you, Rodney.
45:42Sorry.
45:43It's okay.
45:43Who?
45:44We've won.
45:44What were you going on about, Rodgers?
45:46We've won.
45:46What, the breakdancing contest?
45:47No, you know there's Spanish state lottery tickets you bought?
45:50Yes.
45:50Well, we've won.
45:51You're winding me out.
45:53No, look.
45:54Carmen goes this paper to swap the flies with, right?
45:56And Cassie did Spanish at school.
45:57She noticed the result.
45:58Look.
45:58Where?
46:00Oh.
46:00Where, bloody hell?
46:02It's a million pesetas, Derek.
46:03A million?
46:05A million?
46:06Mill, you know what this means, don't you, Rodney?
46:08We're millionaires.
46:09What have I said over the years?
46:10You've always said it.
46:11Yes, this time next year, we're being millionaires.
46:14Well, it's only a million pesetas.
46:16Only?
46:17I don't care if it's pesetas, potatoes.
46:19I don't care if it's a numson voucher.
46:20We're rich.
46:21Yeah, hey.
46:22Oh, if I was a rich man, you're a...
46:25No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
46:29Hold on, hold on.
46:32Ah, we're in Spain.
46:33Am I?
46:34Yeah, well, we're foreigners.
46:36So?
46:36Well, there might be some Spanish law saying foreigners can't pick up Spanish kitties.
46:41Then why did the mouse send you the tickets if he knew you couldn't win?
46:43Bill, because he wanted to make more commission, didn't he?
46:46Oh, now, Kate.
46:47Come on, Dale.
46:47Not even you.
46:50Oh, my God, they've got a roll.
46:51Yeah.
46:51I just know they've got a roll.
46:52Yeah.
46:53There you are.
46:54I've been looking for you everywhere.
46:55I've just had the marvellous news.
46:56Congratulations.
46:57Thanks very much.
46:58Look, just do us a favor.
46:59Just double-check that for us, will you?
47:01Yes, certainly.
47:03Yep, no doubt this is the winning ticket.
47:05If you like, I'll let you ring the regional office of the lottery organisers and stake your claim.
47:09Yeah, but you're just a bit worried we were worried like it's because we were foreigners, you see.
47:12How do you mean?
47:13Well, is there a rule that says non-nationals aren't allowed to win the lottery?
47:15I don't believe so.
47:16We sell tickets here in reception to guests from all over Europe.
47:19Well, can you check the rolls for us?
47:20Yeah, look, they're on the back there somewhere.
47:21They're all written in Spanish or something.
47:23Yes.
47:24Yeah.
47:24Um, it says here, non-citizens of Spain must present their passport and any necessary visa documentation with their winning ticket when making a claim.
47:32You've just won a million pesetas.
47:34Oh, dear.
47:41Oh, dear, oh, dear.
47:45What's the matter, Alan?
47:47I don't quite know how to break the news.
47:49Huh?
47:50I'm afraid you can't claim a penny of this money, Mr Trotter.
47:53No, hold on, we got the winning ticket.
47:55Yeah.
47:55Check these numbers a hundred times.
47:57Yes, you just double-checked it yourself, haven't you?
47:59Yes, the number's correct.
48:00It's the winning ticket, all right.
48:01The problem is it's got Rodney's name on it, do you see?
48:04Under Spanish law, nobody under the age of 18 is allowed to gamble.
48:07Oh, no, but he's over 18.
48:14Yeah.
48:15I've seen his passport.
48:16It says quite clearly he was born in 1974.
48:20No.
48:21No.
48:22I can prove it.
48:23Because I've got my student card on me.
48:24It's got my date of birth on it.
48:25Yes, and it's got an official stamp on it.
48:28Yeah.
48:28Look, listen, right.
48:30Rodney Trotter, born 2nd of November, 1974.
48:41Tiny mummy, brother.
48:45God, look at the time.
48:46Do you remember, I've just got to go upstairs.
48:47Come here.
48:48No.
48:48Come here.
48:48No.
48:48Come here.
48:49Come here.
48:49No!
48:49LAUGHTER
49:19APPLAUSE
49:49MUSIC
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