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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S06E02 - Danger UXD
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the bestest
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But is the one which drives me berserk
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La la la la
00:34La la la la la
00:37La la la la la
00:38Now this machine is going to change our lives
00:46Good
00:47Yes, it's top of the range, this high tech
00:49Yeah, you can see that by all them lights
00:51Yeah, yeah
00:53I don't know how we've managed so long without one
00:55Nor do I
00:56What is it?
00:59What is it?
01:01It's a videotape recorder, isn't it?
01:02It's got a little computer in it and everything
01:03When you go on your holidays
01:04This thing will record all your programs for you
01:07Amazing
01:08Yeah, nothing but the best
01:09Yeah
01:10How does it know you're on holiday?
01:14You send it a postcard, don't you?
01:19No, you program its little computer, don't you, you daft old
01:22Oh, come on
01:23What's the matter with you?
01:24No luck, eh?
01:25No, it's alright, honk
01:25I'll get the hang of it
01:26It's just, you know
01:27When it comes to technological things
01:29Normally I'm a natural
01:29I've just got to get used to all its
01:31You know, its functions and its modes
01:33I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it
01:36Yes
01:38Yes, that's right, yes
01:40Rodney
01:41Shake your legs, it's gone at six o'clock
01:44Yes, alright
01:46Keep the noise down, will you?
01:48God blimey, look at the state of that
01:49I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that
01:52You brought in late last night, son
01:54Out with that little bird of yours
01:56What's her name?
01:57Cassandra
01:57That's right
01:58Cassandra and I went to a concert at the Royal Albert Hall
02:02Yeah, that takes me back
02:05I used to go up there whenever I was on home leave
02:08I saw some of the best here, Rodney
02:09Yeah, yeah
02:10Yeah, you ever heard of John, Barbara, Ollie?
02:13Yeah, of course I have
02:15Sir John was one of the greats
02:16Yeah, Barbara and Ollie were pretty good, aren't they?
02:20I saw them all, Rodney
02:21Adrian Bolt, Sir Malcolm Sargent
02:24Wonderful times
02:26Who'd you see?
02:27Eric Clapton
02:28Eric Clapton?
02:31He's a new one on me
02:32Yeah
02:32Yeah, Del Boy's got a new video recorder
02:35Oh, yeah
02:36Yeah, there was a very interesting article in the paper the other day
02:40Did you know that Taiwan is the only country in the world that don't have any rubbish dumps?
02:45They just send it all to him
02:46Oi, oi, oi, that's enough of that
02:49This is none of your Taiwan junk
02:50This was made in Formosa
02:52But Formosa is...
02:56Albert, please, don't confuse the issue
03:00It is what?
03:02He's one of the world's leading manufacturers of audio-visual equipment
03:06And video recorders
03:08And video recorders
03:12Do you want some breakfast, Del?
03:14No thanks, Albert
03:15Breakfast is for wimps
03:16Rodney?
03:17Yeah, I'm starving
03:18Well, you know where I was last night whilst you was up at the Albert Hall
03:25You know, head-banging and all that
03:27I was having a drink with the managing director of the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre
03:32Didn't that used to be Ron's Cash and Carry?
03:35Yeah, yeah, that's right, but he changed the name
03:37Yeah, no, that bloke has come on a bundle in the last few years
03:39That man is at the front of new technological frontiers
03:42He's got a Queen's Award for Industry plaque and all
03:46Yeah, I know
03:47I was there when you sold it to him
03:48Oh, yeah, yeah
03:50Well, exactly, I mean, well, you and I, I mean, we both know it's a schneid one, don't we?
03:54But the hunters don't
03:54They're impressed by the image
03:56And that's what modern business is all about today, Rodney
03:58It's about image
03:59You see, the right appearance can fool the customer, right?
04:03Now, take me, for instance
04:05I am a perfect example
04:06But you look exactly what you are
04:10Well, thank you very much
04:13It's only because I've got the right image
04:14No, I mean, it is, I mean, it's the little things
04:16You know, it's like me aluminium briefcase there
04:19My Mercedes keyring, my filofax
04:20When people see these things, they know exactly what I am
04:24It is a bit of a giveaway, isn't it?
04:27Better than a mason's hand shape, bruv
04:29You take me jewellery, see?
04:31Now, a half-sovereign ring can say an awful lot about it, bloke
04:35Combined with a medallion, it speaks volumes
04:37See, now we're talking the same language, aren't we, eh?
04:40See?
04:41That's what it...
04:42Ah, Albert, just a minute
04:43You stay there, just stand there
04:44Now, Rodney, as you see him standing there
04:48What is the first thing that comes to your mind?
04:51Why have I got bloody cornflakes again?
04:52It's because I can't get any food in that fridge
04:57It's full up with tomatoes he bought last week
05:00It's all right, all right
05:01I'm going to get rid of them today, aren't I?
05:02No, I'm talking about image-wise, aren't I?
05:03Listen, come here a minute, look
05:04You see, when I see him standing there
05:07What this says to me, this says
05:08Here is a man who's worked hard all his life for an honest crust
05:11Here is a man of strong principles
05:14Here is a man you can trust
05:16You see what I'm saying?
05:19You see how easy it is to fool people, eh?
05:22All you've got to do is have the right image
05:24Are you saying I've got to get an image?
05:26No, what I'm saying is you've got to get rid of one
05:28You see, you take a look at me, you see
05:30I wear a trendy trench coat
05:32Gordon gecko braces
05:33You wear a lumberjacks coat
05:35And Gordon Bennett boots
05:36My image says I'm going right to the top flat out
05:40Your image says I'm going back to bed
05:42Because I'm shagged out
05:43You've got to learn to be dynamic, Rodney
05:46You must be dynamic, you see
05:47Yes, all right
05:50I was a bit dynamic last night over Ron's cash
05:52Over the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre
05:56I was where the big business opportunities occur
05:59And I was in a position to snap them up
06:01And what exactly did you snap up?
06:04That video recorder
06:05Financial Times Index must have gone through the roof
06:10No, I didn't just buy one of them, did I?
06:13I bought 50 of them
06:14The rest of them are in the garage
06:15Guess how much I paid?
06:17Only 50 quid each
06:18But that's two and a half grand
06:19Where do you get two and a half grand from?
06:21I didn't know I got them on the knock
06:23You know, buy now, pay later
06:24When I sell them, Ronnie will get his money
06:2550 quid each?
06:27Well, they've got to be hooky
06:28They are not hooky
06:30Now, the reason why they're so cheap is because they come from a consignment where the manufacturers put in the wrong operating instructions
06:38Oh, great
06:40So how you're going to operate a video recorder would be instructions for a sandwich toast
06:46I'm not, you are
06:49Well, you're the one who's taken a diploma course in computer science
06:53Again
06:54Yes, that's right
06:55So programming a silly little thing like that ought to be a doddle for someone of your talents
06:59Yes, all right, I'll do it for you
07:03Good boy, good boy
07:04You know it makes sense
07:05Listen, I want you to record a program for me on ITV called City News
07:09It's all about mega-powered business, Wall Street, Big Bangs and all that
07:13Are you on it?
07:18You know, I think a surgical collar will suit you
07:20Talking about suits, I want you to wear yours today
07:23I want you to look really snappy for the punters, you know, with it
07:25We've got a high-profile image
07:27Oh, probably
07:28The only thing we've got as high as is flat
07:30Very funny, very funny
07:32Hey, listen
07:33I'm going to make a very important private phone call
07:35I want you two to take them tomatoes down there and put them in the van, all right?
07:38Oh, by the way, don't forget the rest, all right?
07:51There you go, Denzel
07:52There's your stew
07:53That's a pound
07:54Cheers, I'll get you on the way back
07:56All right
07:57Bath, bourguignon
07:59That's £2.50, sir
08:04That's super
08:07Bon appétit
08:09So, how's life treating you then, Denzel?
08:14The same as Paxo treats a turkey
08:16As bad as that, mate
08:18Well, whatever happened to good news, eh?
08:20Is it being privatised or what?
08:22Yeah, I heard you started your own knowledge company
08:24Trans World Express
08:25Any time, any load, anywhere
08:27That's right
08:28But I've only got a transit
08:29A transit?
08:31So, why all the big worldwide slogans?
08:34Well, I wanted to call it the Peckham Courier Service
08:36Parcels
08:37Small boxes
08:38That sort of thing
08:39Then I bumped into Del
08:41Oh, don't tell me
08:44Image, yeah?
08:46Yes
08:46He said, there is no place in the modern business world for small thinkers
08:50You have got to be big, brave and brazen, he said
08:52Why'd you listen to him?
08:54Well, I keep telling myself I shouldn't take no notice of him
08:56But Del insists
08:57Does he still drink in here, by the way?
09:01Yeah, occasionally
09:02But since the yuppies gentrified Peckham
09:04He's been hanging around the wine bars and bistros
09:06Of course, one by one, they're barring him
09:08They're bound to, aren't they?
09:11See them over there?
09:12They only come in here to avoid him
09:14I saw Rodney this morning
09:16He was wearing a suit
09:17Someone must have died
09:19There ain't much good news around, is there, Denzel?
09:22Denzel, my old mate
09:25I was just off, Del
09:28No, not until I bought you a drink, you're not
09:29Here, pina colada for me, please, Michael
09:31Same again for Denzel
09:32Here, I've told you before
09:33You want to clean your pipes out, it's terrible
09:34Listen, Michael, listen to me
09:38I've just come back from Folkestone
09:40I've got 25, 6-kilo boxes of fresh Jersey tomatoes
09:44Straight off the ferry
09:45Still got the dew on them
09:46£2.50 a box
09:47What do you say?
09:48Do your salads up a treat
09:49What?
09:49£2.50 a box?
09:50Yep
09:50Go on, Del
09:52I'll have one
09:52Good, I'll put three boxes aside for you
09:54Rodney's on his way down with them
09:56Come on in, Denzel
09:56Come on, come and sit down over there
09:58Tell me what you've been up to
09:59Alright?
10:00Ah, Chloe, Adrian
10:02How nice to see you again
10:03Oh, God
10:06It's Ian
10:07Hello
10:09Hello
10:09Hello
10:10Hello
10:11They're my sort of people
10:14They're my sort of people
10:14What, you mean the bistro kits?
10:17Oh, yeah
10:17I was in the wine bar the other night with Adrian
10:20And we were debating the Trust House 40 Cunard merger
10:23Oh, yeah
10:25That's the sort of thing I like these days, you know, Denzel
10:27The cut and thrust to and fro of an honest, well-honed argument
10:31I regret it now, but I ended up clumping him
10:34Still, it's all over
10:36We're still friends, aren't we?
10:38Harry A. Water under the bridge, eh?
10:40Yeah
10:40Oh, here he comes
10:42Thank you, Michael
10:43Cheers
10:45Just look at me
10:55I'm supposed to be going out in this tonight
10:58Well, you've ruined it, haven't you?
11:02This is your fault
11:03It's all so I could present an image
11:05Well, I am presenting an image
11:07I'm presenting the image of someone who's covered in tomato stains
11:10That'll come off
11:12Mike, give him something to mop that up with, will you?
11:15How about a slice of bread?
11:20I need him, don't I?
11:21I bloody need him
11:22That was a nice suit this morning, Rodney
11:25Yeah, I know it was
11:26God knows I'm going to get it clean for tonight
11:28I'll probably have to cancel my date with Cassandra
11:31And that'll ruin my evening
11:32And she might meet a geezer who isn't covered in tomato juice
11:35And that'll ruin my life
11:36And it's all your fault
11:37Oh, shut up and sit down, you big old brass
11:39Yeah, Denzel
11:40Tell Rodney about your luck
11:42That should cheer him up
11:43Yeah, what's that?
11:43No luck, me old mate
11:44Oh, no, Del
11:45Lots of luck
11:46I'm all bad
11:47Last Friday was mine and Kareen's anniversary
11:50Oh, my God
11:52Oh, Del, that's not the bad luck
11:54Oh, sorry
11:54Well, see, a while back
11:56I got this contract with this plastics factory over Depthford
12:00They make garden furniture
12:01Camping equipment
12:02Toys, the lot
12:03Oh, yeah
12:04Yeah
12:06Well, go on, carry on
12:07Yeah, yeah
12:07Yeah, well
12:09Friday afternoon
12:10I got this urgent call from the factory
12:12To go to a shop in High Wycombe
12:14And pick up 50 dolls
12:15They were being returned
12:16Faulty stock
12:17But it's my anniversary, isn't it?
12:19And I promised to take Kareen out for the evening
12:21By the time I have got through all the rush hour traffic
12:24It's half past six
12:25And I've still got the dolls on board
12:27So what do I do?
12:29Take them back to the factory like I'm supposed to
12:31And let Kareen down
12:31Or leave them on the truck until Monday
12:34And hope no one tweaks
12:35Oh, well
12:36It's obvious, isn't it?
12:39You let Kareen down
12:40No
12:43How can a return of faulty dolls be urgent?
12:46I don't lift them on me trunk till Monday
12:48That's exactly what I did
12:50And what happens?
12:51The factory went up in flames
12:53Exploded by all accounts
12:55Normally I can carry on working for them
12:57Because they've got other depots
12:58But tomorrow morning
12:59I have got to hand in this unsigned docket
13:02Which proves I collected the dolls
13:04But also proves that I didn't deliver them
13:06When the governors find out
13:08They are either going to think
13:09That I have become unreliable
13:10Or aware still
13:11That I am on the thief
13:13That's a problem, eh, Denzel?
13:15Yeah
13:16It's no problem
13:18Are you two going to be plonkers
13:20For the rest of your lives?
13:23This is no problem
13:24At all
13:25This is a gift
13:26From the gods
13:27Give us this here now
13:32What are you doing, Del?
13:34I'm getting you out of Stuck
13:36And into the money
13:37All right?
13:38All right, now listen
13:39I've signed that docket, right?
13:42I put on Friday's date
13:43Now, they never bother to check these things
13:45Now, as far as anyone's concerned
13:48All them dolls went up in flames
13:50With the rest of the factory
13:51Them dolls on the back of your truck
13:54No longer exist
13:56This means that the owners
13:58Will get more insurance money
14:00You get an empty truck
14:01Plus a hundred nickel bunts
14:03Me and the tomato kid here
14:05We get
14:06We get fifty dollars
14:08To flog down the market
14:09And the great British public
14:10Have another bargain
14:11Of a lifetime
14:12Everyone's a winner
14:13Petit de journée
14:15All right?
14:17I'll now go and empty your van
14:19Onto ours, Denzel
14:20Thank you very much
14:22See you later
14:23Ciao Chloe, Adrian, TTFM, Michael
14:26How much do you pay for them?
14:35Two quid each
14:36So if we can knock them out
14:37Of what, say, ten or a go
14:38That's what?
14:39400 quid profit, eh?
14:41Lovely jubbly
14:41You've just bought fifty dolls
14:44That have got something wrong with them
14:45There's nothing wrong with those dolls, Rodney
14:48You know what these
14:48Quality-controlled geezers are like
14:49You know, you see
14:50One little scratch on them
14:51And they stamp and reject
14:52Like
14:53What about them dolls
14:54You were selling at Christmas?
14:56There was nothing wrong with them dolls
14:58Was there?
14:58You laid them back
14:59Like in your arms like that
15:00They closed their little eyes
15:01And they looked exactly
15:02As if they were asleep
15:03Yeah, we had to try
15:04And keep them closed, didn't we?
15:05Because when you opened them
15:06They was boss eyes
15:07Yeah, well
15:10They had put the eyes
15:12In the wrong way round
15:13I'd rather
15:14Well, that's why
15:16They were such a bargain
15:17Anyway, the kids
15:17Didn't notice, did they?
15:19All except that little one
15:20Who had nightmares
15:21And I always said
15:23There was something wrong with her
15:24To start with
15:24Anyway, these are probably
15:26Top of the range
15:26These are like
15:27Barbie or Cindy dolls
15:28Or something like that
15:29Del, these dolls
15:31Ain't called Barbie or Cindy
15:32These dolls are called
15:34Lusty Linda
15:35And Erotic Estelle
15:36You can't have dolls with names like that
15:42You can if you go to the right shop
15:46Bloody hell
15:59What have we got ourselves into here?
16:05Well, it's just your fault, ain't it?
16:07You never stop to ask questions, do you?
16:09Just go crashing in
16:10And to help with the consequences
16:12That is because I've got a high profile
16:13Yeah, high profile and low forehead
16:15Yeah, big for little dolls, ain't they?
16:20Look, hunk, they ain't ordinary dolls
16:24You get them advertised in
16:26Magazines
16:28Where's that radio time?
16:32Albert, have a day off, will ya?
16:34I mean, seedy magazines
16:37For kinky, sleazy little men
16:40You're pulling my leg
16:41Oh, am I?
16:43You have a look at this thing
16:44He's right, an old girl
16:51I know he's right
16:53Oh, blimey
16:55Look at all this lot in here
16:56We've got more colours in here
16:58Than jelly babies
16:59Girl, I tell you, Del
17:06We're gonna have to get rid of them a bit live
17:07Yes, I know
17:08You're right and all
17:09Look at the prices they sell for
17:12£60 each
17:13On the other hand
17:14Let's not be too hasty, eh?
17:17Oh, come on, Del
17:19No, you were the one that was having a go at me just now
17:21For, you know, making quick decisions, weren't you?
17:23Here
17:23Here, Albert
17:24Let me just have a look at that magazine now
17:26Just go on, hang on
17:27Don't give them to me
17:28Del, we can't sell these
17:32Rodney, Rodney, look at this
17:34These things, they sell for £60 each, don't they?
17:37And these ones are self-inflating deluxe models
17:40For the more discerning weirdo
17:43Maybe they're specially made for bronchial perverts
17:46Rodney, if we could sell these for just, what?
17:49Say, £30 each
17:51That means that we'd make, what?
17:53£1,400 profit
17:54Just think of that
17:55Think of that, what do you?
17:56£1,400 lovely smackerooni split right down the middle between you and me
18:00That means by this time tomorrow you could have £600 of your own on your hip
18:05And I know who will buy them off us and all
18:07Who?
18:08Dirty Barry
18:09Who's Dirty Barry?
18:11Well, he runs a little, um, personal shop down the Woolworth Road
18:14And he'll take the lot off us
18:16And what happens if Cassandra finds out?
18:19Why, does she want one?
18:22You know what I mean
18:23She won't want to see me again, will she?
18:26Well, how's she going to find out?
18:27You stand a fair chance of getting caught if you go walking around the streets in broad daylight with them
18:32Well, we won't, will we?
18:33We'll go down there tonight with them
18:34He's open till about eight o'clock
18:35Just get them out of here as quick as you can
18:38I don't like the idea of sharing my home with these evil little things that would bring nothing but bad luck
18:43Now you know how me and Rodney felt the day you moved in
18:46Well, I tell you, Del, I don't want nothing to do with them
18:50No, wait a minute, Rodney, no, wait a minute
18:51Look, we're traders, aren't we?
18:52All we're doing is trading
18:53This is just a one-off deal, that's all
18:55I mean, people make a living out of these sort of things
18:58It's big business and all, isn't it?
19:00I mean, you read about it in the Sunday papers, don't you?
19:02All those MPs and vicars all going off to them vice dens up in Soho to get whipped and beaten up
19:07They pay 200 quid, you know, for the privilege and all
19:12Blimey, they want to walk round this estate one night
19:14They get it done free and on the National Health
19:16Yeah, but them sort of people are sick
19:20I know, but they're still human beings
19:22I mean, some weirdo wants to get it going with a half a pound of latex and a lump of oxygen
19:27Well, that's his business
19:29As far as I'm concerned, he can have a meaningful relationship with a barrage balloon
19:34It's in the privacy of his own hanger
19:36Exactly, now listen, I'm going to give Dirty Barry a bell
19:41I'll tell him that we're going to be over there later on tonight
19:43Rodney, tell me the truth
19:45You couldn't honestly go out and sell them horrible dolls, could you?
19:51To be honest with you, Unc, no, I couldn't
19:54Barry, tell boy
19:55But I know a man who can
19:58That's five pounds fifty-four
20:05It's almost ready, I'll fetch for you
20:09Good evening
20:13Police in South London have warned the public to be on the lookout for fifty life-size inflatable dolls
20:19Which were administered in a factory in Deptford over the weekend
20:22A police spokesman today said that due to a technical error
20:25The dolls have been loaded with gases which include the highly explosive and volatile gas, propane
20:31The dolls went to the ground on Saturday night
20:35And experts suspect the fire may have been caused by the presence of propane
20:39The theft came to light when security men noticed a forged signature on a delivery docket
20:45Police have warned that the dolls are potentially lethal
20:47Particularly when exposed to heat
20:50And have appealed for their immediate return
20:53Your food is ready
20:57Usually they take their food and run off their thing
21:00This guy's got it all wrong
21:03I don't believe it
21:11I don't believe it
21:13Oh, that's the last time I trust you with anything, wasn't it?
21:17Look, I've already told you, there's something wrong with that machine
21:20I asked him to set this to record a programme on ITV called City News
21:25What have I got?
21:26Open universally on BBC Two
21:28So instead of keeping my fingers on the ever-changing pulse of the stock market
21:32I'm watching Christopher Dopey-Wren on how he built St. Paul's Cathedral
21:36That's interesting
21:38Yeah, you would
21:39You were most probably around when he applied for planning permission
21:41It's creepy in here, isn't it?
21:44Is it alright if I turn the thermostat up?
21:46Yeah
21:46You sure it's not too technical for you?
21:53Oh, you dipstick, Roddy
21:54Now look at your darn
21:55Me?
21:57I thought Roddy knew about videos
21:59Yeah
21:59Emmanuel in Bangkok
22:01And that's about it
22:02I programmed that computer to record the programme you wanted
22:06Now it's not my fault if it decided to record something else, is it?
22:09That machine is...
22:11Up the wall
22:14Well, you're trying to blind me for science now, aren't you?
22:16Firstly, I think these computers are more trouble than they're worth
22:19How did you figure that out?
22:21It was a film on earlier, all about computers
22:23You're joking
22:24I wish I'd recorded it
22:27Hang around, Rodney, you most probably have
22:29It was called War Games
22:32It was all about this soppy kid who messes around with computers
22:35And one day he broke into the computer that controls the American nuclear defence system
22:40He almost got us into World War Three
22:43No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there?
22:46World War Three, this blonker can't even get us into Channel Three
22:49Have you read the instructions to your video recorder?
22:53Oh, cute
22:54No, I haven't actually read them
22:57Well, why don't you do that small thing, Derek?
23:00I think you'll find it very interesting
23:02Because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian
23:06And not one single word in English
23:08And that's why your machine don't work
23:11It was made strictly for sale in Europe
23:14But we are in Europe, we're in the common market, aren't we?
23:17Yes, I know that
23:18But we've got a different electrical system to the rest of Europe
23:21And that's why your machine is on the blink
23:23Its components are burning out
23:25It is what's technically known as knackered
23:28Particularly Winnie Nelson's tucked you up
23:30Oh, I don't believe it
23:33Well, that's all I need, isn't it?
23:37You won't be able to sell the others now, Del
23:39Too late, I think I've sold them all the time I know
23:41You've sold them?
23:43Hmm, 70, 60 quid each
23:45You'll have to give the money back
23:46Why?
23:47Because they don't work
23:48Well, what do you expect for 60 quid?
23:52I've been fucked up, I'm just passing it on, that's all
23:54It's business
23:55Oh, don't worry about it
23:57Everything's going to be cushy
23:58You are something else, you are
24:00You're too picky, Rodney
24:01That's your problem
24:02How's that funny sound?
24:20I don't know
24:21What you looking at me for?
24:24The most funny sounds in this flat tend to emanate from your vicinity
24:28Why did you do it?
24:30Is that funny noise?
24:44Oh, shush
24:45What's happening?
25:06What's happening?
25:10What's happening, Rodney?
25:11What the hell should I know?
25:12You're the one with the GCEs
25:13Come alive, that's what's happened
25:14Come alive?
25:15What do you think this is, Pinocchio?
25:17I've seen this happen before
25:18Years ago I was in Jamaica
25:20And I saw a voodoo ceremony
25:21This witch doctor
25:23Ran his hands over a dead cat
25:25And he'd come back alive
25:26Yeah
25:27I wish he lived around here
25:28Could you have a go at my video?
25:32Just, just, just
25:33Just take it easy, alright?
25:35Alright, calm down
25:36That's you, that is
25:45Talking about Jamaica, look
25:46I don't understand it
25:48I thought you were supposed to pull a string
25:49Or press a button or something to inflate it
25:51I, so did I
25:52You have a look next to the hot air duct
26:01Well, that must have caused it, see?
26:04They must have a little canister of gas inside them
26:07And they each set them off
26:08What do you go and stick them next to the hot air duct for?
26:11Well, I didn't know that it would do that
26:12Anyway, you're the one that switched the thermostat
26:15Well, I didn't know that it was going to do that either
26:17It's all right
26:18It's all right
26:18Look, all right, all right, you two
26:20Now just pack it in for God's sake, will ya?
26:24I mean, you know
26:24What will our guests think?
26:26Look, they're ugly looking mares, aren't they?
26:33Then you'd be worse
26:34Rodney, you're going to cop an unfortunate one in a minute
26:38Listen, we can't stand here arguing
26:40We've got to do something before the rest of the black and white minstrels pop up
26:43Don't panic, don't panic
26:46We'll just deflate them
26:47How?
26:49Well, they must have a little valve in them somewhere
26:51Yeah, that's right
26:52Yeah
26:53Well
26:53Go on, where you going then, Rodney?
26:56You can see it
26:57Could be anywhere
26:59And I ain't looking for it either
27:00Could be illegal
27:02What are you talking about illegal?
27:04They can't phone for the police, can they, eh?
27:07All right, all right
27:08Do it yourself, the old boy
27:10There it is, look
27:32There, look, right at the back there
27:34Now, just to remind me of the stick
27:36Go on, Rodney, have a go at that
27:37Here, I'll use one of these cocktail sticks
27:40Here, look
27:40Does Cassandra let you do that?
27:54Nothing's happening
27:55Yeah, same here
27:56Maybe they're dodgy valves
27:58We used to get it on the rubber dinghies in the Navy
28:00Oh, yeah, how can you tell?
28:02Well, once they're up, they won't come down
28:04Well, you remember what Denzel said?
28:07They were faulty, weren't they?
28:09He was taking them back to the factory
28:10They must be the valves that are faulty
28:12Well, how are we going to let them down?
28:16Well, they said I know
28:16Can't you stick pins in them?
28:18You're back to your voodoo again, aren't you?
28:20No, of course we can't
28:22We've got 60 quid in profit tied up in these two
28:24Oh, look, what's 60 notes, eh?
28:27Come on, it's just bursting
28:28Don't you dare do that?
28:31Give me that here
28:32God, dear
28:33Your mother would turn somersaults in her grave
28:35If she could see you doing that
28:37She did not bring us up to throw good money away
28:40Just because we've got a little problem
28:41We'll find a way in which we can get them down to dirty barriers
28:45But now you're going to explain the fact that they are fully inflated
28:48I'll just say they're samples
28:49I'll say we blew them up so we could see them
28:51In all their natural beauty
28:53Yeah, we'll chuck them in the back of the van
28:56They'll be out of sight then
28:57How are you getting them out of this flat?
29:00Down the stairs
29:01Through the main doors
29:02Right across the forecourt
29:04To where the van's parked
29:05Without anyone seeing you
29:06He always has to spoil everything, don't he?
29:09He's got a point, though, hasn't he?
29:10I mean, there's thousands of people on this estate
29:12Someone's bound to see you
29:14Yeah, all right, all right
29:15Well, I'll think of a way
29:16Listen, the first thing we've got to do
29:18Is to get these into another room
29:19I mean, if that bloke from the council turns up
29:21Talk to us about buying this flat
29:23I mean, Gould knows what he'll say
29:24If he sees Pepsi and Shirley here
29:26Albert, put these in Rodney's room
29:28What? No way
29:29I've already got a wardrobe full of mum's old clothes in my room
29:33Them two are just about taking a biscuit
29:34What was this in?
29:36In case I bring Cassandra back
29:38Put them in your room
29:39Oh
29:39In case I bring a bird back
29:41Put them in Albert's room
29:42In case I bring a...
29:44All right, put them in my room
29:47I've got to go and meet Cassandra
29:49See you later
29:50Oi, Rodney
29:51Just make sure you don't do anything
29:53That might cause embarrassment to our family
29:55Bill, I don't think I could do anything
30:00That would cause embarrassment to our family
30:02Good boy
30:04Good boy
30:05Mum would be proud of you
30:07Mum, Mum
30:09That's it
30:11Rodney
30:11I think I've just worked out a way
30:14Of how we can get these down to Dirty Barriers
30:16These tomatoes are a bit manky, aren't they, Mights?
30:31Still, they make your beard taste better
30:33I'll have you know
30:35They were fresh Jersey tomatoes
30:37Yeah, when?
30:39Why do you come in this pub, Trigg?
30:42For the company.
30:44Trigger doesn't have many friends or opportunities for social outlet.
30:48Every weekend he goes down to the park and throws bread to the ducks.
30:52To him, it's a dinner party.
30:55So during the week he has a straight choice between sitting in a cemetery or sitting in this pub.
31:01Unfortunately, the cemetery closes at six.
31:04What is the matter with everyone today?
31:07Trigger's done nothing but moan.
31:08You've got a face like a constipated rat.
31:11At least when Del Boy comes in, he cracks a joke and has a laugh.
31:15It is due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat.
31:22Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
31:24How is he?
31:26A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon.
31:29He sold me some video recorders.
31:31£70 each, I snapped them up.
31:33£70 each?
31:35What, they'd fall off the back of a lorry?
31:36If they did, they were going round a bend in Dusseldorf.
31:41How do you mean?
31:42I have just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current.
31:46To make them work on the British system would take a transformer the size of a suitcase
31:51and an electrician of such genius, I'd have to go headhunting at Cape Canaveral.
31:57£70 each?
31:59Eh?
32:01Those video recorders.
32:02£70 each?
32:03Yeah.
32:04I'll have one.
32:10No, no, Trigg.
32:11See, they only work on the continent.
32:13All right, I'll drop one round.
32:14Yeah.
32:15Cheers, boysie.
32:16Mike!
32:17Mike!
32:17Hang on, hang on.
32:19I've only got one pair of hands.
32:20Have you seen Del Boy?
32:21Oh, no, he ain't been in tonight.
32:23Oh, bloody hell, I've got to do something really quick.
32:25Is your phone working?
32:26Is the phone working?
32:28Look, we had a spot of bother the other week.
32:32They tore the wires out.
32:33Look, what's all the panic?
32:34I sold Del some dolls.
32:35Inflatable dolls.
32:37Inflatable dolls?
32:39Yeah, well, he didn't know they were inflatable.
32:41I never knew they were inflatable.
32:43I picked them up from a place called Playthings.
32:45I thought it was a toy shop.
32:47Well, apparently the police are looking for them.
32:50They're dangerous.
32:51They've been fitted with the wrong gas cylinders.
32:53They're full of something called propane.
32:55Propane?
32:56Yeah, that's explosive, isn't it?
32:57Very.
32:58Del's got 50 little time bombs on his hands.
33:01If them things get hot, they are going to have to redo the A to Z.
33:05I'll pop round this flat.
33:07I'll see you later.
33:10That's bad news, isn't it?
33:14Terrible.
33:16That's tragic.
33:27Hurry up, then.
33:35It's all clear.
33:43Oh, what a very pleasant evening.
33:44I'll get the van, Albert.
33:50It'll be all right, as long as we don't draw attention to ourselves.
33:55Hurry up, Albert.
34:10It's locked.
34:14God be nightly.
34:17Have you got the keys, Rodney?
34:18Yeah.
34:19There you are.
34:21Hurry up.
34:22Drive the van back over here, Unc.
34:23But I'm not insured.
34:25Well, don't have a crash, then.
34:26What if the police patrol sees us?
34:33It's all right.
34:33These dolls ain't hooky.
34:35I'm thinking more of a public indecency charge.
34:38How are you going to explain this in court?
34:40I should tell the truth, Rodney.
34:44I should say, yes, Your Honour.
34:45The other evening, my brother and I decided to go out for a drink
34:48with two life-size inflatable dolls,
34:50which were wearing my late mother's clothing.
34:53I can't put you in prison for that, Rodney, can I?
34:56No, they'll chuck us in Broadmoor.
34:58In all the banks, we most probably.
35:01Hold up. Hold up.
35:03Good evening, Darren.
35:04Good evening, Clayton.
35:06Good evening, Rodney.
35:08Evening, Mr Cooper.
35:09Good evening, ladies.
35:11What? What do you mean?
35:26Right, that's me finished with, am I going to?
35:28Just a minute, just a minute.
35:29Hey, aren't you coming down Dirty Barry's with us?
35:31No, I ain't.
35:32I've got a date with Cassandra.
35:34Look, I had a date with that Simone saw from the Cup Price Butchers.
35:37And she had a bag of liver for us.
35:40Knocked her on the head.
35:42Business comes first.
35:44Well, I'm not knocking Cassandra on the head.
35:46Look, you bought them.
35:47He blew them up.
35:48So it's YP, Derek.
35:50YP?
35:50Your problem.
35:54You dipstick.
35:57Come on, Albert.
35:58Get in a van.
35:59Why have I got to come in with you?
36:00I need you to help me carry him into Dirty Barry's.
36:07Don't keep worrying.
36:08We're in the van now.
36:10No one can see him.
36:11I hope you're right.
36:13Trust me.
36:14Have I ever put you wrong before?
36:16You are a liar, Rodney.
36:42Oh, Cassandra, that hurts me.
36:45I have never told an untruth in my life.
36:47I happen to come from an extremely honest family.
36:50You told me you lived in a great big house.
36:53Well, I do live in a great big house.
36:55Nelson Mandela house.
36:57It's got about 70 flats in it.
36:58You can't get much bigger than that.
37:00I drove you home to where you claimed to live.
37:02And it most certainly was not a council estate.
37:04It was a mansion.
37:06I mean, there was a brand new Mercedes in the front.
37:08And most probably an Olympic-sized swimming pool at the back.
37:11And the people who owned the house came to the window.
37:14And you had the gore to wave at them.
37:16Yes, I remember.
37:17And I swore to myself that night
37:19that never again would I go out without my contact lenses.
37:23Oh, shut up.
37:27Enjoy your meal.
37:29No, well, you know,
37:33I saw your house and it looked so nice.
37:36I decided I'd better sports a bit.
37:38You must have known I'd find out.
37:40No.
37:42Well, I didn't think I'd ever see you again.
37:44Why?
37:45I don't know.
37:46I just didn't.
37:48I wanted to see you again, but...
37:51Did you want to see me again?
37:53Yes, I did.
37:54Why?
37:55Because I thought you lived in a great big house and had a Mercedes.
37:59Why did you want to see me again?
38:02Well, I wanted to see what you looked like
38:04once I had my contact lenses in.
38:06And?
38:10Well, it's come as a big disappointment, Cassandra.
38:12I'm sorry.
38:13I don't apologise.
38:14It happens all the time.
38:16I meet a guy.
38:17We get on well.
38:17He regains his sight.
38:18End of story.
38:20It's a tough world.
38:23I'd like to meet your brother.
38:29Why?
38:30Just the things you've told me about him.
38:32Seems like an interesting kind of person.
38:34Yes.
38:34They all can sometimes be interesting.
38:38Most of the time he's just baffling.
38:41Come on, come on.
38:42Why don't you take that thing off?
38:50You look like Little Red Riding Hood.
38:52You're the only one round here recognising me.
38:55Who the hell's going to recognise you, eh?
38:57You might not believe it,
38:58but during the war,
38:59I was quite a celebrity round these parts.
39:02It was because of all the medals I won,
39:04but bravery and the fire.
39:05The only acts of bravery you ever performed
39:07were underwater.
39:08Say someone saw us holding these things,
39:12they might ring the press
39:14and they'd have a field day
39:15walking with me being an old war hero.
39:18They'd call me one of those silly
39:19Fleet Street nicknames.
39:21They'd call me the old man of the PVC
39:24or something like that.
39:25Will you stop moaning?
39:29Who's there?
39:31Mary, it's me, Doughboy.
39:33Hold on.
39:38He's security-conscious, isn't he?
39:41No, he's just moving some of his stock.
39:47Come in.
39:57Who's the monk?
39:59Yes, that's it.
40:01That's why Uncle Albert is all right, it's all right.
40:03So what's occurring?
40:04You buying or selling?
40:06Selling.
40:07Yeah, what?
40:09What?
40:10These, these things, of course.
40:11What do you think I'm doing?
40:12Giving them a guided tour?
40:13Yeah, they're not the dolls
40:15the police are looking for, are they?
40:16Police?
40:17No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
40:19No, these come from up north.
40:20There's a shop I know
40:21that went out of business.
40:22And I thought,
40:23I'll get these for my mate,
40:24Barry.
40:25Went out of business, did he?
40:27Yeah, it's happening everywhere, Dough.
40:29The bottom's fallen out of this game.
40:31Listen, Barry,
40:31now you're a businessman,
40:32you know, a bargain when you see one.
40:34Now these are the finest quality,
40:35top of the range.
40:36They normally retail around the, what,
40:38the 70 quid mark.
40:39I'm selling them for 30 quid each.
40:41Yeah, you're right, Dough,
40:42they are cheap.
40:43Someone's going to get a bargain.
40:45No, no, not someone, Barry.
40:46Not someone.
40:47You don't can do that.
40:49See, I had a visit from the council yesterday.
40:51They revoked me licence,
40:52closed me down.
40:53Well, where am I going to get rid of them then?
40:55Well, no, we're local.
40:56I mean, they're closing us all down.
40:58We're selling our stock,
40:59not buying.
41:00What about Soho?
41:01You won't have any joy there, mate.
41:03Their stock rooms are full.
41:04We sold them all our gear this morning.
41:07Now, I tell you,
41:09Maggie Thatcher's ruined this business.
41:11At last,
41:12someone's got something good to say about her.
41:14He's an old sailor.
41:18He's still got a bit of depth charge
41:20lodged in his brain.
41:22Come on, brother Albert.
41:31Just my luck, anyhow.
41:34If I could have bought them dolls
41:35a couple of days ago,
41:36I could have out of them.
41:37Instead of that,
41:38Dirty Barry and his mates
41:40have flooded the market.
41:41And whilst they got rid of their stock,
41:43I'm lumbered here
41:44with polythene Pam
41:45and vinyl Vera.
41:48Get off.
41:49I've got a headache.
41:50It's a much punishment, that is.
41:52Will you stop going on
41:53about God and voodoo and all that?
41:57Shaking bones
41:57and waving shrunken heads about next.
42:03No, I know what we're doing.
42:06We'll hang on to them
42:07till the market picks up.
42:09I mean, it's only like
42:10the stock exchange, isn't it?
42:11You know,
42:11up and down,
42:12supply and demand,
42:13constantly fluctuating.
42:16We'll hang on to them
42:17and wait for the big bang.
42:25Hi, sir.
42:26Madam.
42:27Oh.
42:30Can I give you a lift home?
42:32Oh, no, thank you.
42:33My mum warned me about girls like you.
42:35The lift time's all very well,
42:37but you'll expect a lot more
42:38than a goodnight kiss,
42:39won't you?
42:40And I am not that sort of boy.
42:42And I thought you were a cert.
42:44Look, I promise I won't try
42:45and unbutton your shirt
42:46or take your string vest off.
42:48Nah, it's all right.
42:50If you give me a lift home,
42:51you've got to go all the way around
42:52a one-way system, haven't you?
42:53Yeah, I'll take a shortcut
42:54through the market.
42:55If you're sure.
42:56You be careful, though.
42:57Oh, look,
42:58the baddies don't frighten me.
43:00I'm streetwise, aren't I?
43:01Good.
43:03And watch out for
43:04unexploded inflatable dolls.
43:09Didn't you see it on the news tonight?
43:11No, I'll tell you it's on the plane.
43:12Why?
43:12What'd they say?
43:13You know there's like creepy
43:14blow-up dolls you can buy?
43:15Yeah.
43:16What?
43:16Yeah.
43:16There's a factory in Deptford
43:19that makes them
43:19and apparently a whole batch
43:21has gone missing
43:21that was accidentally
43:22filled with an explosive gas.
43:25No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
43:26We shouldn't laugh.
43:28No, we shouldn't.
43:29And they could prove
43:29potentially dangerous.
43:31Look, Cassandra,
43:32I've got a car.
43:32I don't feel very well.
43:34What's wrong with you?
43:36Anything that matters, sir?
43:37No, it's all right.
43:38I just feel a bit sick.
43:41Look, I'll phone you, okay?
43:42Yes.
43:43That's the third complaint tonight.
43:48Where do we get those tomatoes from?
43:53Not be having me on, Rodney.
43:55I'm not, but Lonnie's...
43:57Right in the mouth
43:59if you're pulling my leg.
43:59Rosie, yes.
44:15I've never heard of anything so doff.
44:17Shut up and keep spraying.
44:19Right, all right.
44:39Over there.
44:40Over there.
44:40Over there in the corner.
44:43Careful.
44:44All right?
44:46Follow him over here.
44:47Go on.
44:58Just dropping him off.
45:04I thought you said
45:05you heard a sussing sound.
45:07I did?
45:08I was making a funny noise
45:10like something was going to happen.
45:11The only thing that's happened so far
45:16is poor old Mum's clothing's got all dirty.
45:19I should have to take it all down
45:20to dry cleaners now.
45:23Hell, them dolls are dangerous.
45:25They've been on the news everywhere.
45:27How do you know it was them dolls
45:28that they was talking about?
45:30I know, right?
45:31I just know.
45:31Well, the only thing that I know is
45:37I've got 60 quid laying out over there
45:39and we're hanging about here
45:41like a couple of spare ones
45:42at a wedding.
45:45Oh, come on.
45:46I've had enough of this.
45:47Come on.
45:47See?
46:05I told them not to have the mutton vindaloo.
46:14Mum, that could have happened
46:25anywhere, Rodders.
46:26Oh, no, we only just got rid of them in time.
46:28We was well lucky.
46:33No.
46:34It's not luck, Rodney.
46:36It's Mum.
46:38Mum?
46:39Yeah.
46:41She's up there somewhere
46:42watching over us.
46:46Oh, yeah.
46:51It's the old April going, is it?
46:57LAUGHTER
46:57LAUGHTER
46:58APPLAUSE
47:01LAUGHTER
47:02APPLAUSE
47:05APPLAUSE
47:39Prices and a strong
47:42Loveless, Rookie Street
47:45Fever, Rookie Street
47:48Long live, Rookie Street
47:51Sing and defeat, Rookie Street
47:54And defeat, Rookie Street
47:58Rookie Street
48:01Rookie Street
48:04Rookie Street
48:09Rookie Street
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29:47
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