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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S07E03 - Stage Fright.
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:18Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But is the one that's driving me bizarre
00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:33La la la la
00:34La la la la la
00:36La la la la la
00:38La la la la la
00:40I don't believe it
00:44When did this arrive?
00:46This morning
00:46Why didn't you let me know sooner?
00:48I couldn't get in touch with you
00:49You'd be out all the morning
00:50I thought you might have popped over Elevenses
00:53I told you before, Unc
00:54Elevenses is for wimps
00:56I'm out there on the yuppie tightrope, me
00:59Nerves on red alert
01:01A beta blocker and a dream, that's me
01:04I eat on the move
01:06A mobile phone in one hand
01:07And a pot noodle in the other
01:08I tried to put you on a mobile phone
01:10Yeah, that's why Del ended up with an earful of noodles
01:12Oh look, the boy from the black stuff's woken up
01:16Look
01:16Oi, just cos I'm out of work
01:18There's no need to rub it in
01:19For all you know
01:20My recent misfortunes could herald a watershed in my life, Del
01:23I could go on to better things
01:25Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
01:26You've broken up with your wife
01:28You walked out on your lovely home
01:30You resigned from a highly paid job
01:32And you pulled the chain on your career
01:34That's just the springboard you need for the future, innit, eh?
01:37Something will turn up
01:39Yeah, I know, that's what General Custer said
01:41Something did turn up, didn't it, eh?
01:43Another load of bloody Indians
01:44You should be giving Rodney some encouragement
01:47I have
01:48Oh, look, I'm worried about him, aren't I, eh?
01:51Look at that, a few months ago, there he was
01:52Cash on the hip
01:54Glowing future
01:55Now what's he got, look
01:56His skin
01:57The only thing about him that's glowing is his liver
01:59What happened in that golden hand shake you got from the printing book?
02:03Yeah, you may well ask
02:04He kissed that all up against the wall, didn't he, eh?
02:07Blew it on Cuba Libras and Larry Toots
02:10I do not believe this git
02:12He has the audacity to sit there moralising with me
02:15Whilst holding a letter from the magistrate's court
02:17Saying his case has been brought forward
02:19Everyone goes to court once in their life
02:23Once?
02:24I've given you your own parking space
02:26Don't change the subject, Rodney
02:28Yeah, I think, I think what Del's trying to say is
02:31For the last month or so
02:32You've been living back at the flat
02:34In the past, that was all right
02:36Now, Raquel's pregnant
02:38Yeah, that's right
02:39Look, notices and all, don't it, ain't it?
02:41See that lump?
02:44That's my embryo
02:46You see, Rodney, you see what I mean?
02:53In a couple of months' time
02:54There'll be no space in the flat
02:56Is she going to be that big, is she?
02:59No, what I mean is
03:00We're going to need that room of yours for a nursery
03:02So this is an ideal time for you to go out
03:04And find yourself a nice little bachelor pad
03:06He's waiting for the council to offer him something
03:08Oh, yeah
03:09Well, we can have a combined party then, can't we, eh?
03:12Rodney's housewarming and my son's 21st
03:15For your information, Derek
03:17The council phoned this morning with an offer of accommodation
03:20I don't really
03:21Yeah, that's true, Del
03:22I was there when he got the call
03:23Well, that's terrific news
03:24Well done, bruv
03:25They've offered me an LDA
03:27An LDA?
03:29Well, that can't be back, can it?
03:30I'm viewing it this afternoon
03:32Here, listen
03:34If you want any furniture
03:36Young Towsers doing a marvellous line
03:38In quality reject 3P suites
03:40Oh, right, yeah
03:41Could come in handy
03:42Yeah
03:42Del, could I ask you something?
03:45Yeah, of course you can
03:46What's an LDA?
03:47I don't know
03:50It's an abbreviation for something
03:53Yeah, well, I know it's an abbreviation for something
03:56But what?
03:57LDA
03:58Maybe it stands for
04:00Luxury Detached Abode
04:02Yes
04:03It could do
04:05I doubt it, but it could do, yeah
04:07Listen
04:08I'll get to send some more drinks, all right?
04:09Yeah, not for me, mate
04:10I'd better go home and change
04:11I'm eating the council motion in an hour
04:12I'll see you later, all right
04:13All right, good luck, bruv
04:14Yeah, cheers
04:15You want to have one hour?
04:15No
04:16Yeah, all right
04:16All right, go on then
04:17Bill
04:20Ah, what's a drink?
04:23Uh, Mike
04:23It'd be nice of you if you could just give a...
04:25Hang on a minute, Del
04:26So, uh, you thought of a name yet?
04:29No, it's too early for that
04:30No, best to sort it out early
04:32Save browse later on
04:33Okay, Mike, uh, could you give us a couple of...
04:36Hang on, Del, hang on a minute, mate
04:37Hang on
04:38So how's this going to affect your career, then?
04:42What career?
04:44Well, I thought you was an actress and singer and all that
04:46Yeah, well, I think in my condition I'll put my career on hold for a while
04:49Like 15 years or so
04:52Okay, that reminds me
04:53You know that down by the Riverside Club?
04:55Yes, I'm thinking of going down here in a minute to get a drink
04:57Mike, Mike, when you're ready
04:59Del, I've only got one pair of hands, mate
05:02Yeah, I remember the night when my wife come home and she told me she was two months pregnant
05:06I was a cocktail waiter at the time
05:08Oh, it's a moment you'll never forget
05:10That's right
05:11I remember it especially because I'd just come back from three months on a cruise ship
05:14Oh, sorry
05:17No, that was a lovely cruise, do you want to see the slaps?
05:20A mate of mine from the Council of Depots singing there tonight
05:23What?
05:25At the down by the Riverside Club
05:28Tony Angelino
05:30Who?
05:32Tony Angelino
05:34That's his stage name
05:35Oh, yeah, sounds terrific, that trick, yes
05:38A few drinks, you know, scampi in a basket and a singing road sweeper, I could say
05:42He's not a road sweeper, he's on the dust
05:45Oh, well, that's the difference, isn't it? Sorry
05:48He sang there once before, about six years ago
05:51Really? He's back by popular demand then, is he?
05:53Yeah, he's got a terrific voice, he's going to be a big star one day
05:57Fancy coming down here tonight?
05:59No
06:00What are you hoping for then, Del?
06:02Well, the same again when you're ready, you won't get any order in
06:04I'm talking about the baby
06:06Eh? Oh, the baby, now, why don't you say so, that's different
06:10Well, it's going to be a boy, isn't it, eh?
06:11How do you know it might be good?
06:13Now I know it's going to be a boy
06:14Well, don't you forget, you can hold a lovely little wedding reception up above here
06:18Come on, let's sit down over there, sweetheart, shall we?
06:22Here, listen, have you told your family about it?
06:24I've written to my parents
06:25I was thinking more about your husband
06:28Oh
06:29My solicitor's still trying to trace his whereabouts
06:34We've been apart now for seven years, so divorce will be no problem
06:37Oh, right
06:38Well, when that comes through
06:39We'll get hitched
06:41Sorry?
06:44We'll tie the knot
06:45I might not want to marry you
06:47What do you mean you might not want to marry me?
06:51Come on, don't be silly
06:52Oh, don't be silly, you haven't even asked me
06:54Well, no, I know that
06:55Well, you're, you know, you're in the old, you know, where I come from
06:59Action speaks louder than words
07:00Would you keep me in the style that I've become accustomed to?
07:04Of course I wouldn't
07:05There's no way I'm marrying you then
07:06Oh, come on, Raquel
07:09We're going to have a blinding future together
07:11Are we?
07:13Yeah
07:13I can see it now
07:15Everything's beginning to slot into place
07:18I've got lots of little pots and pans bubbling away
07:21In fact, I've got a meeting in half an hour with an old mate of mine
07:23He runs one of these dinner dance clubs, you know
07:26I think he wants to buy them 300 packets of crisps I've got in the garage
07:30He's playing our song
07:37Badly
07:39No
07:40No, everything's going well
07:43I'm going to have a lovely future
07:44This time next year I'm going to be a millionaire
07:46All right then, I accept
07:49Good girl
07:51You know it makes sense
07:53Maybe tomorrow we could go out and buy an engagement with you
08:00No, I can't tomorrow, darling
08:01I'm in court
08:01All to myself
08:06Eric
08:15How's it going, Paul?
08:18It's like Marley's ghost
08:20Dull boy
08:22You all looking prosperous?
08:24Yeah, well, can't complain
08:25Well, I do, you know, but no one listens
08:27I've heard good things about you, Del
08:31Making your mark in a parish
08:32I'm pleased for you
08:33I like to hear about people doing well
08:36Last time I saw you, you was really struggling
08:39You was driving around in some shitty little three-wheel van
08:42Yeah, those were the days, eh, Rick?
08:49Actually, I've still got that three-wheel van
08:51It's like the nostalgia
08:52I only use it just for business, you know
08:54So what's the main motor now, Del boy?
08:56Was it some sort of sports coupe, is it?
08:58Yeah, yeah, something like that, yeah
09:00How long ago was it since we last met?
09:03What was it?
09:04Must be, what, five, six years?
09:05That long, is it?
09:06Yeah
09:06Just after we had that little misunderstanding
09:09I don't remember that
09:11Yes, you do
09:12You said I'd done you out of 500 quid
09:15Well, you did, didn't you?
09:17Really?
09:18No
09:19No, no, I didn't
09:20I told you at the time, didn't I?
09:21It was just a misunderstanding
09:22Yeah, well
09:24We best our sleeping dogs lie, ain't we, Del?
09:27Yeah, that's it
09:28Yeah
09:29It's all in the past, isn't it, eh?
09:32Yeah
09:32Well, I must say
09:35This is a very, very nice place
09:37Yeah, doing a bit of business as well
09:38Good
09:39Custy
09:40Very, very pleased to hear it
09:42Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about?
09:44I understood you left a message for me on my answer machine
09:47I thought that was your uncle
09:48Yeah, take it, please
09:49That's good, isn't it?
09:52I'm going to do a bit of this
09:53We'll help a boy or baby daughter
09:56I thought
09:58I've got a bit of a problem, Del
10:01What's that?
10:03Tomorrow night the club's been booked for a birthday party
10:05Cabaret, all the exes
10:07I had a young singing duo booked in
10:09But it let me down at the last minute
10:10I've phoned around all the agents
10:12And that's what I've been offered so far
10:15Yeah, that's all right
10:20That's all right to me
10:21No good to me, Del
10:22I need a singer
10:23Someone who knows what they're doing
10:25I heard recently
10:27You was living with some bird
10:29Who used to do some nightclub singing
10:30Raquel, yeah, yeah
10:32She used to do some singing
10:33Mind you, she packed that in ages ago
10:35Would she come out of retirement for one night?
10:37No, she can't, Eric
10:38She's three months pregnant
10:40It's hardly odd carrying, Del
10:41She's only got a scene for four or five songs
10:43Yeah, I mean
10:44She was telling me about this
10:45Terrible nervous tension
10:47That she suffers from
10:47Before she goes on stage
10:49I couldn't put her through there
10:51That's a shame, Del
10:52I've got a contract here
10:53Waiting to be signed by someone
10:55Well, I'm sorry
10:57I'd like to have helped you, pal
10:58But Raquel's given the business up
11:01It's her life
11:02I can't go interfering with her wishes now
11:04Can I?
11:05Well, I'd have made it work her while
11:06Six hundred quid for one night's work
11:09Ain't to be sneezed at
11:10She'll need a backing group
11:12What do you think you promised him?
11:16Well, what can I do, sweetheart?
11:17He's a mate in trouble
11:18I don't care who it is, Del
11:19I'm not doing it
11:20Look, I gave him your work
11:22Well, you had no right to
11:24But it's three hundred quid
11:25Well, how much is it, Del?
11:26I'm not doing it
11:27But Raquel, it's Eric
11:31He's in dead lumber
11:32I mean, he's gone through all the agents, hasn't he?
11:35He even showed me the list he was offered
11:37Do you know what he was offered?
11:39He was offered twelve strippers
11:40Eighteen blue comedians
11:42A speciality dog act
11:43And Lionel Blair
11:45So what's wrong with that?
11:48Well, nothing's wrong with that, sweetheart
11:49It's just that Eric wants you
11:52Bishy, sweet man
11:53It's pregnant
11:54Eh?
11:55Yeah, I'm
11:56Look, I know that
11:57But I'm not asking her to do any belly dancing
11:59Or anything like that, am I?
12:00I mean, it's just sing a couple of songs, that's all
12:02Anyway, look, it doesn't notice, does it?
12:04Hey, look, look, turn around for us, sweetheart
12:06There you are
12:06You see, look at that
12:07So you've got a lovely figure
12:08You've got a beautiful voice, Raquel
12:10And that is a gift
12:11And that should be shared with the world
12:13Or a bunch of drunks in the starlight rooms
12:15Don't I think I've sung in a real nightclub before?
12:18Yes, you have
12:19What about that poster you showed us
12:21When you was top of the bill with Otis Redding
12:23At Talk of the Town London?
12:25It was Laurie London at the Talk of the Town Reading
12:27It's the same thing, innit?
12:33No
12:34No, it is not
12:35That was the one and only time I've ever appeared alone on stage
12:39It was a nightmare
12:40I forgot the words, I forgot the tune
12:43It was just a nightmare
12:44People actually cheered when they announced last orders
12:47The only other time I've been on stage has been in a double act
12:51I was with that magician, the great Raimondo
12:52And I was in that duo, double cream
12:54See, I don't mind that
12:55Because there's someone there to support you
12:57Someone there to share the blame
12:58No, I'll get someone to sing along with you
13:00It's not as simple as that
13:02You've got to get to know each other
13:04Rehearse
13:06Find out whether you can harmonise
13:08Whether you're even compatible
13:09Yeah, we'll do all that and all
13:11When's the show?
13:13Tomorrow night
13:14Tomorrow night?
13:15It's impossible
13:16Oh, look, Raquel
13:18Look, I've got the contract
13:19I've signed it
13:20There, look, there you are
13:21Guaranteeing I'll supply the cabaret
13:22That is document
13:23It's legal and binding
13:25The Trotter International Star Agency
13:28Yeah, that's me
13:29I've diversified
13:30Why did you sign a contract
13:32Before you'd even spoken to me?
13:34Because I never thought
13:36That you would let me down
13:37Rodney, probably
13:39Even like a shot
13:41But you, never
13:42Still, never mind
13:44Never mind
13:46It's the story of my life, really, isn't it?
13:48My old man let me down
13:51When he walked out
13:52And left me to fend for myself
13:54Then me mum died
13:56That weren't her fault
13:58But
13:58I felt that she'd let me down
14:01Funny the things that go through your mind
14:04When you're
14:04Sixteen
14:06And
14:06You're just all alone
14:08I think that's why I've always been straight
14:10And up front with people
14:11Because I hate the thought
14:13Of them having the feelings
14:15That I did
14:16It says you're paying you 600 quid
14:20You mouthy git
14:24You said that
14:25300
14:25I know I said 300
14:27I know I said 300
14:29And isn't it obvious why I said that?
14:31No
14:32I said that because
14:35Because
14:37Because
14:40Because
14:41I knew
14:43That if Raquel thought she was earning
14:46600 pound for the show
14:48That would make her even more nervous
14:50Than she is now
14:51So I decided
14:52Take the sting out of it
14:53Soften the edges
14:55Relieve the pressure
14:56By telling her
14:58It was only worth 300 quid
15:00Thank you
15:03That means you'll do it for me sweetheart
15:07But who will I be singing with?
15:08Don't you worry about that
15:09I won't put you wrong
15:11You trust me
15:11Listen
15:12What we'll do later on
15:13We'll go through all my LPs
15:14And make a list of classic hits
15:16For you to sing
15:17But these songs
15:17Have got to have a musical arrangement
15:19We'll need a pianist
15:20Well that's no problem
15:22Is it?
15:22Eh?
15:24Albert
15:24Yes Del?
15:25Go and fetch the yellow pages
15:26We'll find a musician
15:29Alright?
15:32I'll think about it Del
15:34Push deep
15:35I'm only thinking about it Del
15:36No promises
15:37No
15:37No promises
15:38But in the meantime
15:40Why don't you
15:41Have a little practice
15:42With your voice
15:43You know
15:43Get it back in trim
15:44You know
15:45Just in case
15:45Just in case
15:46Eh?
15:46Yeah alright
15:46Just in case
15:47Good girl
15:48I'm gonna make some coffee
15:51Anyone else
15:51Yeah I'll have one dear
15:52Yeah I'll have one sweetheart
15:54Thank you
15:54She's gonna knock and bandy over
15:59Do you know the way to San Jose
16:04I've been away so long
16:07I may go wrong
16:08And use my way
16:09She's got a voice like an angel
16:11Ain't she?
16:13Eh?
16:14Raquel
16:14Sing up darling
16:16Come on
16:16Don't be shy
16:17Lovely jubbly
16:24Ah Rodney
16:27Raquel's singing in the starlight rooms
16:29Yeah?
16:30Her voice didn't have travelled
16:31Didn't it?
16:37No no no
16:38I mean she's in the
16:39Forget it
16:40What's up with you?
16:41Oh I have just been to view
16:42The council's offer of accommodation
16:44And you was right there
16:45LDA does not stand for
16:47Luxury detached abode
16:48No well I had a feeling
16:49LDA stands for
16:51Low demand accommodation
16:53What's that then?
16:55No it's a place where
16:56Nobody else wants to live
16:57What are they like?
17:00They're like this
17:00You saucy git
17:04This place
17:06I'll have you know
17:08That we
17:08Yeah
17:10If I
17:10Rack out
17:12Turn the noise down
17:13Will ya?
17:15We can't hear
17:16Our self finger
17:16Yeah
17:17Go on
17:18You should have seen
17:19This place
17:20Hey off with me
17:20It looked like
17:21A timeshare apartment
17:22On Albert Square
17:23Did you take it?
17:25Course I didn't
17:26Well you've got to
17:27Find a place
17:28Of your own soon
17:28Rodney
17:28Pretty much from now
17:30She'll be dropping
17:30A kiddie
17:31Yes I know
17:32But at the moment
17:33The council's
17:34Me only hope
17:35I'm out of work
17:36I've got no money
17:36Coming in
17:37You know
17:38What am I supposed to do?
17:40Don't wish to sound brutal
17:41Rodney
17:41But why don't you get
17:42Another job
17:43It's not that funny
17:51Albert
17:52With my history
17:54The only chance
17:54I've got
17:55Of getting future
17:56Employment
17:56Is to go out
17:57And get me
17:57Own window cleaning
17:58Round
17:58I'm sorry
17:59I don't understand
18:00You left your
18:01Previous employment
18:02Of your own accord
18:03You weren't sacked
18:04You resigned
18:04So where's the problem?
18:06It's not as easy
18:06As that Raquel
18:07Is it Derek?
18:11No you see
18:11Raquel
18:12The only real job
18:13That Rodney's had
18:14Since he left school
18:15Was that job he had
18:15With Cassandra's dad
18:17You know
18:17The one he resigned from
18:19But I thought
18:21Prior to that
18:21He was a partner
18:22In Trotter's
18:22Independent Traders
18:23Yes he was
18:26And very sorely missed
18:28He was
18:28When he left
18:29But you see
18:30Trotter's Independent Traders
18:31Was never what you'd call
18:32Pucker business
18:33You see
18:34We never actually
18:34Registered with Company House
18:36You know
18:36Sort of keep down
18:37The old paperwork
18:38And that
18:38Yeah and income tax
18:40And BAT
18:40Yes you see
18:41So since he was 16
18:44When Rodney left school
18:46The only job he ever had
18:47Was when he was 26
18:48So the only time
18:49He's turned up
18:50On the government's computers
18:51Is when he got
18:52That suspended sentence
18:53For the possession of cannabis
18:54And you don't fancy
18:56Window cleaning
18:57No
18:58Don't like heights
18:59Couldn't you specialise
19:01In bungalows?
19:06Why don't you shut up
19:08Albert
19:08Well Alan's bound to give
19:10Rodney a glowing reference
19:11I know that
19:13We know that sweetheart
19:16But where's Rodney
19:18Gonna say he's been
19:19For the last 10 years?
19:21In the toilet
19:21No
19:23It's a great pity
19:26You know Rodney
19:27You can't get a job
19:28Doing something
19:29That you like
19:30Like you know
19:31I don't know
19:32Like sort of music
19:34Because you're interested
19:36In music aren't you?
19:37Yeah
19:38Yeah
19:39Even if it was only
19:40Sort of
19:41You know
19:41It's a part time job
19:43Yeah
19:44That'd do
19:45I don't know
19:47What
19:47You know
19:49Something like
19:49A road manager
19:50Or something
19:51Yeah
19:52Where am I gonna get
19:52Something like that?
19:54You never know
19:55Your luck Rodney
19:56You never know
19:56Your luck
19:56You never know
20:26I give my heart to
20:35When you fell for someone else
20:44My pain
20:47My pain
20:49Bloody good
20:52Bloody good
20:52Didn't he?
20:56Goat
20:57I'm never gonna fall
20:58Tell he's bloody awful
20:59No
20:59Oh you don't know
21:01What you're talking about
21:02Brough
21:02Look at all these
21:04Old dears
21:05Look
21:05They'll be throwing
21:07Their corsets
21:08On the stage
21:08I'll remember
21:09A minute
21:09I'll be throwing
21:11anny
21:12roast
21:13at home
21:14Ha ha ha ha
21:15The
21:39I love him, look. Look, I love him.
21:52Hey, look at him.
21:55Well, I don't know. Come on.
21:57Hey, look at him.
21:59Hey, here's a non-alcoholic lager top, will you?
22:02And especially for me.
22:04Listen, if I can just get Raquel and Tony together,
22:08I'll be on a white winner.
22:10Del, she's pregnant.
22:14Only just a little bit.
22:16You're just exploiting her, aren't you?
22:18No. Au contraire, Rodney, au contraire.
22:22She's going to be earning out of this and earning well.
22:25And don't forget, we've all got to earn a bit, you know,
22:27bring a little bit of money into the flat.
22:30Well, I reckon it's all wrong.
22:33Well, it's nothing to do with you, is it, Rodney, eh?
22:35You are just my road manager and part-time at that.
22:39I've explained your duties to you, haven't I, eh?
22:41You just drive them to rehearsals,
22:43make sure they get tea and sandwiches,
22:45and then sweep up afterwards.
22:47And am I allowed to voice an opinion on repertoire,
22:51presentation, arrangement, interpretation?
22:53No.
22:59Well, I will do exactly what you say and no bloody more.
23:02That is the last word you will hear from me on the subject.
23:05Good.
23:05It's a lot of fashions.
23:13Who's going to pay money to watch this?
23:17Well, they have for a start.
23:20Rodney, you think popular music is all about the top ten, don't you?
23:24Well, it's not, you know.
23:26Because 80% of the people in this country, you know,
23:29they listen to what is known as middle-of-the-road music.
23:33That means they listen to guff like this.
23:35Can you take that Roger Whittaker and that, um,
23:39John Denver?
23:40They never appear on top of the parts, do they, eh?
23:44But they sell millions and millions of records.
23:46And that is bunts, Rodney.
23:47That is serious bunts.
23:49This is my chance to get where the action is.
23:52Too far down.
23:57Yes.
23:59I can see it now.
24:02Raquel and Tony.
24:05They could be the new...
24:06the new carpenters.
24:10Or plumbers, or brickies.
24:12Son and Cher.
24:15Chas and Dave.
24:17Rennie and Renato.
24:19Mills and Boone.
24:22Yeah.
24:24Yeah.
24:26There's a contract.
24:26Where's that contract?
24:31I don't know if it's all legal now,
24:33because I ain't been trained in that sort of thing.
24:35Well, that's all right, Rodney.
24:36You've got two GCEs.
24:38That is good enough for me.
24:40Yeah, look at that.
24:41Holds a fourth wits and hereafters.
24:44That'll be jabbling.
24:47Come on, Rodney.
24:48Let's go.
24:49They come to a foster and the door.
24:53Forgive me, Delilah.
24:55I just couldn't take any more.
24:59I say.
25:00Forgive me, Delilah.
25:02I just couldn't take any more.
25:03I just couldn't take any more anymore.
25:07Pay more.
25:07Pay more.
25:15Thank you so much.
25:17You've got one for the audience.
25:18Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Angelino!
25:36Dale, he'll never sign that contract.
25:38He'll sign it, Roddy, don't you worry, he'll sign it.
25:41Hey, it's Tony, Tony!
25:43Dale, oh, just wonderful performance.
25:45It really was wonderful, thanks.
25:47Would you mind, would you please?
25:49Of course.
25:53Thanks very much.
25:57Easier than you thought, wasn't it, Rodney, eh?
25:59I don't believe you did that.
26:01He who dares, Rodney, he who dares, eh?
26:05Right, come on.
26:08Ah, Tony, there you are. Tony, listen, excuse me, girl,
26:10I've got a bit of business to discuss with you, son.
26:13I've got some bookings for you, if you're interested.
26:16Yeah.
26:17Come in here and we can talk about it while I'm getting changed.
26:19Oops, sorry.
26:20Excuse me, darling.
26:21Tony, Tony, can I have to hold the box?
26:23Tony!
26:24In a minute, honey, I'll go.
26:25In a minute.
26:26In a minute.
26:27In a minute.
26:28In a minute.
26:29In a minute.
26:30In a minute.
26:31In a minute.
26:32In a minute.
26:33In a minute.
26:34In a minute.
26:35In a minute.
26:36In a minute.
26:37In a minute.
26:38In a minute.
26:39Any minute.
26:40Yeah, well, erm, my name is Derek Trotter of the Derek Trotter International Stars Agency
26:45Peckham.
26:46You can call me Del...
26:51This is my roadie, Rodney.
26:57What are you sure about, Enzel?
26:58Well, um, you see, I'm putting together a middle-of-the-road duo,
27:03you and a very talented young singer by the name of Raquel Turner.
27:07Now, I've already got a confirmed booking at the Starlight Rooms
27:10with an option on a long-term...
27:12Long-term contract, if you're good enough.
27:21You're kidding me? A Starlight, eh?
27:25Oh, I don't get many bookings.
27:31Really?
27:33Have you got a manager, Tony?
27:35Er, no.
27:37Well, you have now, son. Me.
27:51I can't understand how someone with all your talent
28:02hasn't been snapped off already, can you, Rodney?
28:04There you are, you see. He's as mystified as I am.
28:07Oh, has no-one told you anything about me, huh?
28:10No, why? Is there something I should know?
28:12No, no.
28:14You know.
28:15Er, when is this booking, Del?
28:16Tomorrow night.
28:17What?
28:18That's all right, it's all right.
28:19I know that you and Raquel have got an awful lot of work to do,
28:22rehearsing and, you know, getting your repertoire together and what have you,
28:26but I've got faith in you,
28:28cos you're a pro and so is she.
28:31And I'm offering you £100 for tomorrow night.
28:35Yeah.
28:35Yeah.
28:36The most I've ever been paid is 50 quid.
28:39Oh.
28:39Well, you're in a big time now, aren't you?
28:45Yes, well, you'll be rehearsing first thing tomorrow morning.
28:49I've booked a room at the Jesse Jackson Memorial Hall
28:52and I'm going to give Rodney, your road manager,
28:55a list of the classic hits I want you to rehearse.
28:57Er, no, no, there's only a few songs I can sing, Del.
29:01Well, you see, that's why you don't get any bookings.
29:04No, it's not right. It's because I, um...
29:06Because of what?
29:07Eh?
29:08Oh, nothing.
29:09I know what your problem is, son.
29:12You can't accept a challenge.
29:13That's what it is.
29:14But you've got me behind you now.
29:17All you've got to do is trust me
29:18and I'll be straight down the line with you.
29:20You know, no secrets, no small print.
29:22All you've got to do is trust me, Tony.
29:25You do trust me, Tony, don't you?
29:28Yeah, okay, Del.
29:29Good boy. You know it makes sense.
29:32So, um, will you be out of the hall in the morning?
29:34No, he's in court tomorrow.
29:36Yes, yes, I am.
29:37I am there as a witness for something.
29:41Oh, right.
29:42Um, do you want me to sign that?
29:44No, it's all right, son.
29:45You've already signed it, look.
29:48Lovely jubbly.
29:48I can't believe that was the same bloke.
29:58Well, I mean, they're all just costume props, aren't they?
30:00They all wear them.
30:01I mean, you don't think that Mr Spock's ears are his own, do you?
30:04Oh, come, we'll go and tell Raquel.
30:07Ah.
30:09Raquel, sweetheart, hello, darling.
30:11I found him.
30:12I found your singing partner.
30:14God.
30:15Yeah, he's terrific, isn't he, Rodney, eh?
30:17Yeah.
30:17You've got to see him to believe him, haven't you, Rodney, eh?
30:22Yeah.
30:26Nah, he's terrific, he's absolutely terrific.
30:27He's got this great voice, you know, and he's got wonderful stage presence.
30:31He's got oodles and oodles of charisma.
30:34This boy's going to be a star, I tell you.
30:35Not just local, I mean, he's going to be international.
30:38Where'd you learn about him?
30:39He works for Trigger down at Council Depot.
30:40Is that true?
30:43Well, he, he, Sean Connery.
30:46He worked on the dust.
30:48And is he like Sean Connery?
30:50Well, he wears a week.
30:51Listen, I'll tell you what, let me get you another lot of drinks, eh?
30:54Shall we come, Rodney, you give me a hand.
30:56Come on, you.
30:58Oh, boy.
30:59Eh?
31:00Oh, hello, Boise.
31:01I hear you're in court tomorrow.
31:03Yeah.
31:05Don't do a lot for your yuppie image.
31:07I don't know.
31:08I don't know, it's very trendy nowadays, isn't it, eh?
31:10All the big bang boys have done a bit of stir.
31:12Yeah, very fashionable in the city.
31:14Computer fraud, inside the dealing, stock manipulation.
31:17What are you up for, Del?
31:18Fly pitching.
31:21Fifty quid fine and a slap on the wrist.
31:23You know, it's an occupational hazard when you're up with the mobile.
31:26I hear Raquel's up the spout.
31:28Yes.
31:29Thank you very much, Boisey.
31:30Mike, can we have a round of drinks, please?
31:32And whatever poison he wants.
31:34Crystal, give us a round here, will you, love?
31:36Because it ain't easy being a father.
31:38No, it must have been difficult for you, what, with all them test tubes and what have you.
31:42Oh, yes, I'm not talking about that, Derek.
31:46I mean, looking after your child's welfare, planning for his future.
31:50Have you thought about all that?
31:51Oh, don't you worry about my kid, boys.
31:53He'll be all right.
31:54Then there's a pregnancy itself, Del.
31:55That can be hell.
31:56Yeah.
31:56That can be nine months of pure hell.
31:58Yeah.
31:58Knowing you're Mrs. Mike, I can believe it.
32:03Of course, I was lucky.
32:04Marlene gave birth after only eight months.
32:07Well, they say it's quicker by tube, don't they?
32:15Anyway, we've just come back from the Riverside Club.
32:18We saw Trigger's mate there singing.
32:20He's terrific, isn't he, Rodney, eh?
32:21Yeah.
32:23Perhaps Trigger could recommend him to Eric.
32:27Eric?
32:27What do you mean, Eric?
32:28In the Starlight rooms, you mean?
32:29Yeah, the one who don't like you.
32:31Something about 500 quid.
32:32No, that's all in the past days.
32:35Yes, but that man holds a grudge.
32:38Anyway, he's got 24 hours to fill a cabaret spot for tomorrow night.
32:41He'll never do it.
32:42I mean, the word's out now, isn't it?
32:43Well, he's got to do something.
32:45I've heard Eugene McCarthy's very much looking forward to it.
32:49Who's Eugene McCarthy?
32:51He's a local villain and not a very nice man.
32:54Rumour has it the SAS pays Eugene protection money.
32:58What the hell has Eugene got to do with all this?
33:01Well, didn't you hear?
33:02What?
33:02Eugene owns the Starlight rooms.
33:05No, no, no, no.
33:06It's Eric.
33:07Eric owns the Starlight rooms, doesn't he?
33:09Eugene bought him out three months ago.
33:11Yes, there was no boardroom negotiations,
33:13no offer or counter-offer.
33:15Eugene gave Eric two choices.
33:17Take it or I'll nail you to a door.
33:20And Eric, realising he was dealing with a man
33:22who puts out death sentences on Muslims,
33:25took it.
33:28Anyway, tomorrow night is Eugene's mum's 82nd birthday,
33:32so he's having a party down at the Starlight rooms
33:34for her and all the nasties.
33:36No, no, no, no, Mike.
33:37No, listen, it's Eric.
33:38Eric's down there at the Starlight rooms, isn't he?
33:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:41Eric is only the manager now, though, though.
33:43And part of Eric's managerial duties
33:46is booking the cabaret.
33:48But every time he books a cabaret Eugene doesn't like,
33:50he probably gets nailed to the nearest door.
33:53Well, he come up with a brilliant solution.
33:55He started employing the services
33:57of the local entertainment agents.
33:59So, if Eugene gets displeased,
34:01he takes his wrath out on the agents.
34:04Anyway, the agents all held a meeting
34:07at the local convalescent's home
34:08and decided to boycott the Starlight rooms.
34:11So, unless Eric finds a mug
34:14to supply the cabaret for Eugene's mum's party,
34:17B&Q will be selling another door.
34:19We're in a bit of bother here, bruv.
34:33We?
34:33Yes.
34:35You see, we've signed a contract
34:36guaranteeing the cabaret.
34:38I have signed nothing.
34:40I sweep up and I make the tea.
34:42Yeah, no, I've been thinking about it now.
34:44And I think you ought to have
34:45a more creative input on this little project.
34:48Yeah, well, I've been thinking and all
34:49and I don't want a more creative input.
34:51You just give me the broom, the teapot
34:53and the 50 quid and I'm happy.
34:55Thank you very much, Rodney.
34:57It's my pleasure, Derek.
35:01Come in.
35:03All right.
35:04Is Dilly yet?
35:05No.
35:06I'll find the flat.
35:07There's no reply.
35:08Maybe he's still in court.
35:10But it's nine o'clock.
35:11Well, maybe the jury's still out.
35:14Oh, stupid Rodney.
35:15He's only been charged with unlicensed trading.
35:16Well, he ain't here.
35:19I can't go through with this.
35:21Why not?
35:22What do you mean, why not?
35:23You were at rehearsals this morning.
35:24You know what happened.
35:26Tony's got a problem.
35:29They might not notice.
35:30They might not notice.
35:31How can they not notice?
35:33Raquel, you've got to go through with this for Del's sake.
35:35Eugene McCarthy has sat out there with his mum.
35:38Who was Eugene McCarthy?
35:40He is not nice people.
35:42Well, you go and tell Eugene McCarthy and his mum
35:44that the cabaret's off.
35:46No, I'm just the robot.
35:48Sweep up and make the tea.
35:49That was my instruction.
35:51Do you fancy a cup of tea?
35:53No, I don't.
35:54Do you want anything swept up?
35:55No.
35:55Well, that's my finishing.
35:56Gordon, Bennett.
36:14What the bloody hell have you been?
36:16Where have I been?
36:18They put my case on last, didn't they?
36:20Then it was a 65 quid fine.
36:22And I realised then, of course, I'd left me wallet at home that night.
36:25So I phoned up Sinbad.
36:26What does he do?
36:27He only gets on a bleakly bus.
36:29There I am, banged up in the cells.
36:31And Sinbad there, he's trying to fight his way
36:33through the Friday afternoon traffic in a bloody bus.
36:35Yes, Del.
36:36So by the time I get back there, I'm going to be myself safe.
36:37Del, would you shut up for one minute?
36:39We have got problems.
36:41Ready?
36:42Problems?
36:42What sort of problem?
36:43The old boy?
36:43Oh, hello, Eugene.
36:49Very, very nice to see you.
36:50Eric informs me you're supplying tonight's cabaret.
36:54Hope it's good, Del.
36:55It's my old mum's birthday.
36:57I don't want to see her disappointed.
36:59Yeah, well, of course not, Eugene.
37:01It's going to be the best.
37:02Nothing but the very best.
37:03I mean, would I do anything less for your dear mother?
37:06Oh, sorry.
37:07Let me introduce my brother.
37:08No, I'm just a road manager.
37:10I just sweep up and make the tea
37:11and I don't have nothing to bring me up.
37:12Well, it's to a good evening.
37:17Yes, thank you, Eugene.
37:19Enjoy yourself.
37:19You sit back and enjoy, eh?
37:21Right.
37:22All right, attention, please.
37:23Let them be quiet, please, quiet, please.
37:26Welcome to the cabaret hour.
37:29Lovely.
37:30And before I introduce our star guest this evening,
37:32I'd just like to say happy birthday to Mrs. McCartney there,
37:35Eugene's mum.
37:37Happy birthday, Lil.
37:37Happy birthday to you.
37:40Happy birthday to you.
37:44Happy birthday.
37:48We are proud to present this evening
37:49two young British stars
37:51whose names may not be familiar to you.
37:54However,
37:55if you was a resident in a certain town in Nevada, USA,
37:58their names would be on the tips of your tongues.
38:00because they have just finished a set-out season
38:04with Barry Manilow
38:05at the Desert Inn, Las Vegas.
38:10How about that, eh?
38:12A little bit of a round, aren't we?
38:14Where'd he get all that crap from?
38:18All the venues...
38:19What a stupid question.
38:20They have chosen the starlight rooms in Peckham.
38:26How about that?
38:28Eh?
38:29Lovely.
38:31So, ladies and gentlemen,
38:32a warm welcome, please,
38:33for...
38:34Raquel and...
38:36Charlie!
38:50I was around for a while
38:55I could smile for a while
39:00But when I saw you last night
39:03You held my hand so tight
39:05As you stopped to say hello
39:09And though you wished me well
39:12You couldn't tell
39:15Where I'd been calling
39:20Over you
39:22Crying
39:25Over you
39:27And you
39:29Sit so long
39:31Let me stand it
39:34All alone
39:36Alone and crying
39:39Crying
39:41Crying
39:44Crying
39:46She's bloody good, isn't she, Rodney, eh?
39:49Cosming
39:52Watch
39:53Of your hand
39:55And stop me crying
39:57I thought the light
40:02Was over you
40:04But tell me now
40:06What
40:07Can I do
40:08What can I do?
40:09I love you even more than I do
40:13But darling, what can I do?
40:18You don't love me
40:23And I'll always be
40:28Crying
40:30Coo-
40:31Crying
40:32Crying
40:33Crying
40:34Crying
40:35Crying
40:37Crying
40:38I love you
40:39And why
40:40Can't I do
40:41You
40:42Is that
40:43And why
40:44I'm
40:45¶¶
40:55Crying... Crying... Crying... Crying...
41:25What do you reckon him?
41:38I'll see you later.
41:48So how come you didn't know he had trouble with his arse?
41:53Cos he never told me. All he said was that he enjoyed singing certain songs.
41:58Cos see what he meant now? He only sings songs without arse in them.
42:02So he chose the songs for tonight.
42:05Look, I didn't know, did I, eh?
42:08God knows what Eugene's mum's gonna say.
42:11I never did like that front door anyway.
42:14You bastard! You just walked out and left us!
42:21What else could I do?
42:23I couldn't very well go up to Eugene's table and say,
42:25Ha ha, that was all right, different, wasn't it, eh?
42:27Did you finish the performance?
42:29Oh yes, Derek. We saw it through to the death.
42:31I saw it through to the death.
42:32Mm-hm.
42:33Please willis me...
42:37...congratulation...
42:40...and the gween-gween-gwass of home.
42:42And that was followed by a medley of Wock and Woll.
42:57That is not funny, Wodney.
42:58Wodney.
42:59I think it's hilarious.
43:01I haven't laughed so much since he got his beard in the food mix.
43:07If that's you, Gene,
43:08you...
43:09...you tell him...
43:10...tell him I've gone and get the hammer and nails.
43:12Who's there?
43:13Can I speak to Mr Quotter?
43:17Tony, let him in!
43:23I've come for me money.
43:24It's all right, all right.
43:25Not now, son.
43:26Right, I'm up to me eyes on it.
43:27Come back tomorrow.
43:28No, not tomorrow.
43:30I want me money now.
43:32I did the performance, didn't I?
43:34I did the repertoire that you...
43:36You insisted on?
43:37Yeah, but I didn't know that you couldn't pronounce your arse, did I?
43:40What does that matter?
43:41It matters quite a lot when you're singing songs with arse in.
43:45Well, I don't sing songs with arse in.
43:47And if a song has got an arse in it,
43:49I'll change the lyrics.
43:51Then why didn't you change the lyrics tonight?
43:53How can I change the lyrics to Quoing?
43:56The bloody song's called Quoing.
43:58Well, Tony and I did everything you asked us to do, Del,
44:03so pay the man his money.
44:05And while we're at it, you owe me money as well.
44:06It's all right, sweetheart.
44:07We'll talk about that tomorrow, eh?
44:09Listen, Trotter, you're not cheating me.
44:11Crude-a-tail-a-platt!
44:16I mean, it's all right for me to be cheated, though, isn't it, eh?
44:18And who's cheated you?
44:20Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
44:22Him! Him, he's cheating me, he did.
44:24Do you know what he did?
44:25He charged me £1.40 for bus fares, he did.
44:28And it's only when I was putting me dicky-bow on
44:31that I realised he got a bus pass.
44:34And anyway, I don't suppose the Starlight Room's gonna pay me anything
44:37after tonight's disaster.
44:39God, I'm gonna be well out of pocket, me.
44:41We signed a contract.
44:43Oh, yes, I know, I know.
44:45But my brother drew up that contract
44:47and he put in a get-out clause.
44:50Did you, Rodney?
44:51No.
44:54And why didn't you?
44:55Because you didn't tell me to.
44:57And I ain't a lawyer, I sweep up and make the tea, you remember?
45:01And you owe me 50 quid.
45:03Yep.
45:05Oh, all right, all right.
45:07It's too brutal.
45:10There you are.
45:11One's yours.
45:15We'll talk about this tomorrow.
45:16All right, anything you say, Rodney, all right.
45:18You know what you've got, don't you?
45:20What?
45:21Do it.
45:22What?
45:23An ism.
45:24Ism?
45:25An ism?
45:26I ain't got an ism, have I, Rodney?
45:27Well, there's a lot of crap in a garage.
45:30You're not alone in your prejudice.
45:32We've got sexism, racism, heightism and ageism.
45:37Well, I, I'm a victim of pronunciationism.
45:42I've got a good voice.
45:44I've got good style.
45:46I've got perfect tone.
45:48Well, just because I've pronounced my eyes differently from the west of you, I can never be a star.
45:57And just because of my pronunciation, you've dumped me.
46:00But what about me?
46:01Eh?
46:02I've got lumbered with a star whose props come from Lillian Skinners, Crown Toppers and Mattesons.
46:06You can always find another singer.
46:12I'm stuck with my problem.
46:15No one who pronounces ours like I do have ever become successful.
46:19There's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.
46:22Exactly!
46:27Oh, it doesn't matter.
46:28I'll see you, Del.
46:29Yeah.
46:30Come on, there you go, son.
46:31Wack-el?
46:32Bye, Tony.
46:33Wadney.
46:34See you, Tony.
46:35Well, don't you two look at me like that.
46:36I didn't invent pronunciationism.
46:38It's them out there, the public.
46:40If I had my way, I think everyone should be allowed to say what they like and how they want to say.
46:53It's a free country.
46:54Del's right.
46:55Ain't his fault.
46:56I'm not.
46:57I'm not.
46:58I'm not.
46:59I'm not.
47:00I'm not.
47:01I'm not.
47:02I'm not.
47:03I'm not.
47:04I'm not.
47:05I'm not.
47:06I'm not.
47:07I'm not.
47:08I'm not.
47:09Ain't his fault.
47:10Thank you, Unc.
47:11Help yourself to a brandy.
47:18Hello, Trotters Independent Trait.
47:21Oh, hello, Eugene.
47:25Oh, yeah, you discovered that then, did you?
47:28Funny enough, I was just having a word about that with my road manager here.
47:34You what?
47:36Oh, did she?
47:37I can't say that I blame her.
47:42How's she now?
47:44Oh.
47:45Good.
47:47You what?
47:49Yeah.
47:51It's all right then, Eugene.
47:53I'll be round first thing in the morning.
47:56Yeah.
47:58Bonjour.
47:59Do you want to hide a pair of pliers in your pocket?
48:06No, he wants to sign you and Tony up for a five-week contract.
48:11His mum liked you.
48:14You are kidding.
48:15No, straight up.
48:17She reckoned it was the funniest thing she'd ever seen in her life.
48:19Tony!
48:23Tony!
48:25Tony!
48:26Tony!
48:27Hey!
48:28Just a minute.
48:29I've got some more bookings for you.
48:31Stick with me, son.
48:32I'll be right.
48:33Come watch!
48:34There you go, son.
48:35I don't know.
48:37I can never tell you, son.
48:38The better you see him and your face, then...
48:39No income tax, no V8.
48:41No money back, no guarantee...
48:43No income tax, no VAT
48:58No money back, no guarantee
49:01Black or white, rich or poor
49:04We won't cut prices and a stroll
49:08God bless Hookie Street
49:12Viva Hookie Street
49:15Long live Hookie Street
49:18Say my defeat, Hookie Street
49:21My defeat, Hookie Street
49:24Hookie Street
49:27Hookie Street
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