- 2 days ago
Tv, Only Fools And Horses S03E06 - Wanted
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00:00Stick a pony in me pocket, I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones but you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one what's driving me berserk?
00:28Why do only fours and horses work?
00:33La la la la, la la la la, la la la la la la
00:37La la la la la la
00:40What do you reckon?
00:43They're all right, aren't they?
00:46They're half look-alike.
00:48They're identical twins.
00:49Yeah?
00:50Which one do you fancy?
00:52I'm easy.
00:55Are you sure that's not one bird sitting next to a mirror?
00:58No, they're sisters or something. They've been here before. Go on then.
01:04What?
01:06Say something.
01:08What?
01:10I don't know, anything.
01:14Like what?
01:16Just say the first thing that comes into your head.
01:20Caesar.
01:22Alright, now if it's so easy, you say something.
01:26What?
01:28Anything, it's easy.
01:30Alright, then I will.
01:32Well, go on then. I will.
01:40Oi!
01:42Here.
01:44Was that it?
01:46Yeah.
01:48Oi.
01:50Yeah.
01:52You're a right little John Travolta when you get going, isn't it?
01:54I looked, didn't I?
01:56Course I looked, someone just shouted oi at them.
01:58Hold up.
02:00Who are you looking over here?
02:02I don't know.
02:04I think we've cracked it, Mickey, my son.
02:08What's it, Rodders?
02:10Alright, Michael, my son?
02:12Who are you two after?
02:14Not the gruesome twosome, eh?
02:16What do you mean, alright?
02:18They're so ugly, they even look alike.
02:20Still, they happen to be two sisters.
02:22Oh, sisters.
02:24Yeah.
02:25Oi, girls.
02:26Seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?
02:28Ha!
02:30See Cinderella?
02:31Ugly sisters.
02:32That's a good idea, Rodders, eh?
02:34Anyway, look.
02:35I won't hang about, cos I don't want to spoil your chances.
02:38Hello, darling.
02:39You alright?
02:40Are you still working at Sainsbury's?
02:41See ya.
02:42Just a minute.
02:45I'll see you Tuesday, then.
02:47See you Tuesday.
02:48Vise's?
02:49I've got an other way down the line.
02:50Vise's?
02:51Vise's?
02:52Come on, Rollywood.
02:53Come on, Rollywood.
02:54Come on.
02:55Vise's?
02:58Vise's?
02:59Vise's?
03:01Vise's?
03:02Vise's?
03:03Vise's?
03:04Vise's?
03:05Vise's?
03:06I love you.
03:07I didn't want to do it.
03:09You okay, love?
03:10I...
03:11Who is it?
03:13Shall I find you a cab?
03:14Nah, there'll be a bus along in a minute, my lovely.
03:17lovely no no I ain't got my buses going along here now they cut the route in
03:23about 1973 a nice taxi I should be all right careful what you doing it was just
03:34steadying yeah that's all you touched me hey I've read about your sort I'm done
03:40I was just trying to stop you from falling flat on your face I'll have the
03:44face on you you touched me what I didn't honest you touched me no nice it's all
03:54right cuz some I'm a doctor you're not a doctor I am I am really all right say
04:05oh tell you what I'm just going back to the van right to get a thermometer all
04:18right now boy your breakfast ready
04:32nothing like a traditional British breakfast is there
04:41yeah God why don't you try cooking one every now and then like me looks like a
04:51bad day at the Blue Cross all right last night yeah yeah of course why well when
04:59Rodney come in he was behaving very strangely he was all trembling and
05:05sweating now he's probably right don't worry it's just the start of the mating
05:09season something's up I knew eating that hey
05:15uh no great dad see I'm on diet
05:19thanks whoops Rodney your breakfast ready
05:25ah all right Rodders what do you mean all right no no just all right Rodders yeah I'm fine why
05:37shouldn't I be all right no reason I just said like all right Rodders like I say you
05:41know all right every morning don't I yeah sorry all right what did you do when you
05:49left the pub last night what makes you think I did something good no I mean I
05:54just asked you like if you went on anywhere if you met anyone or anything no no
05:58then I'll come straight home didn't meet anyone didn't talk to anyone a very
06:03uneventful journey that's all right as long as you enjoyed yourself
06:06come on get that down come on we gotta get away early could pick up the van from
06:09an exit why hey well when we fell out a pub last night the whole area was
06:15teaming with the old bill I mean they were all there there was the flying squad
06:19like Alsatians SGB anyway I thought myself well there's no way I'm driving home
06:25through that not with me like being soppy as a sack so you know I've got a cab did
06:31they have a clear description of him who the man they were after he said it was
06:35after a man
06:37all right just assumed they were looking for someone that's all see what I mean
06:41yeah
06:43all right Rodney don't you know something bothering you in there
06:49no has somebody threatened you if they have you tell me their name and I go and
06:53sort them out before we go to the market
06:55it's nothing like that you might as well tell us sooner as later Rodney it'll save a lot of time
07:03oh it's probably nothing
07:06my journey home last night weren't as uneventful as I made out
07:12there was this woman
07:14well she wasn't feeling very well see I don't know what was wrong with her but she stunk her booze
07:22so I stopped right to ask if she wanted any assistance and and she started acting all sort of odd
07:30odd?
07:32yeah
07:32um
07:33screaming
07:35shouting things
07:38what kind of things
07:40oh things like um rape
07:44you know that sort of thing
07:47so uh to try and reassure her and calm her down I told her I was a doctor
07:55you told her you were a doctor you didn't give her a prescription or nothing did you?
08:00no nothing like that
08:02why was she accusing you of these things?
08:05well um I think cause at one point right she she stumbled forward so I put me hands out to stop
08:12you know
08:13I didn't touch her
08:14well
08:15no obviously I did touch her but I didn't
08:19you know honest
08:20alright alright Rodney
08:23okay take it nice and easy
08:26right
08:26just this is gonna take a bit of working out
08:30what did this woman look like?
08:33uh well she was uh blonde uh 45 and her hair had black roots and uh purple fingernails
08:41and she was really heavily made up
08:44did she call you my lovely?
08:48yeah
08:48do you know her?
08:50no no no no you didn't catch her
08:52you didn't catch her name or nothing did you?
08:55no
08:55oh she was wearing an identity necklace and it said something like
09:00blossom
09:02honestly I did not touch her I swear to god
09:11you expect me to believe that?
09:18yes
09:18alright let's go through the facts shall we
09:21after a night's drinking
09:24on your way home you meet a sick woman
09:27and instead of phoning for an ambulance like any right minded citizen
09:31you touch her
09:33what do you think you've got healing hands?
09:37don't believe you're saying this to me
09:40no no no this is not me Rodney
09:41this is what the council for the prosecution will say during his cross-examination
09:45you don't think it'll go to court?
09:47oh it's a pound to a penny Rodney
09:49I mean the police don't let matters like this drop lightly
09:53well
09:54old bailey would be my bet
09:56the case of the peck and pouncer
09:59who called me the peck and pouncer?
10:03the police did last night
10:05you see at the time well I didn't think nothing of it
10:07why don't you give yourself up Rodney
10:11what? I ain't giving myself up
10:13have you ever seen some of them detectives give someone a third degree on the telly?
10:18well one of them pretends he really wants to beat you up bad right
10:21and the other one pretends to be Mr. Nice
10:23so it's you know
10:24yeah perhaps you're right
10:26after all you've got form ain't ya
10:28I mean you still ain't finished that two years suspended yet
10:31no I'd forgotten about that
10:35it's the others what worry me
10:38what others?
10:41well last night there were mobs of vigilantes roaming the streets
10:44and they were chatting things like
10:46lynch him lynch him
10:48at the time I didn't think nothing much of it
10:53well maybe it'd be better if I did give myself up then
10:58because all I've got is circumstantial evidence
11:00circumstantial?
11:02a sick woman is attacked at night
11:04by a known criminal posing as a doctor?
11:09do you know what they'd call me if I went in the nick?
11:13I'd be a beast
11:14beast?
11:17well that's what the other prisoners call people like me
11:21everywhere I went the walls would be whispering
11:24beast
11:25beast
11:27there'd be posses of them waiting for me in the shower room
11:31there'd be razors in me soap
11:33there'd be broken glass in me porridge
11:35how you'll soon learn to adapt
11:38no no it's not fair though
11:44I swear to god I didn't touch her
11:46I was only trying to help
11:47alright Wendy
11:47alright now come on
11:48take it easy
11:50relax alright
11:51now listen I'll tell you what I'm going to do
11:53I'm going to go out and put my ear to the ground
11:54see what I can find out
11:55in the meantime I want you to go and get some kip
11:57and above all
11:59stop worrying
12:00do you reckon he done it Del?
12:30leave it again then
12:44all he's done is just bumped into Blossom that's all
12:47I don't understand ya
12:48well she's well known for this sort of thing
12:50she's as nutty as a fruitcake
12:53she spends most of her time in the happy home
12:56they only let her out at weekends to get a bit of practice
12:59she's always accusing blokes of doing this sort of thing
13:04yes
13:04it's her hobby
13:06she's well known to the police
13:09but why didn't you tell young Rodney?
13:12what spoil all the fun
13:13no way
13:15I'm going to wind him right up with this one
13:17by this time tomorrow evening
13:19I'll have him believing that all the flats are under siege
13:23you want to be a bit careful Del boy
13:25a joke's a joke but you never know when to stop
13:28what about that April Fool's Day?
13:30you told me the pools had rung to say I'd won half a million
13:33yeah that was a belter
13:37oh wonderful
13:39but you could at least have stopped me going up west with me pension money
13:43oh it wasn't funny Del
13:47I mean there was I in a solo nightclub
13:50drinking champagne
13:51with a bird called Camilla
13:53and I suddenly realised I didn't even do the bloody pools
13:56stop it
14:01you should have seen his little face
14:12there was a picture
14:13I wish that had a camera
14:15how could he swallow that eh?
14:17well you know Rodney don't you
14:18he said he was thinking of forming an appeal committee
14:20I said you don't want to worry about that
14:21you want to form an escape committee
14:23I said
14:23I thought everyone round here knew what old Blossom was like
14:29she accused my cousin once
14:31who's that? young Sydney?
14:33no Marilyn
14:34there again
14:35Marilyn's always been a bit of a tomboy
14:38oh yeah
14:38it was a crew cut braces and a pipe last time I saw her
14:41are you still up at Greenham Common?
14:44yeah
14:44are you playing Trigger?
14:45no
14:45of course this Blossom person is completely loopy you know
14:50oh yes
14:51I don't think they should be allowed out
14:53oh yeah why then
14:54well it might be a danger to the public
14:56still selling them second hand cars Boise
14:59oh yeah
15:00I knocked out a couple to
15:02of course I have heard
15:09she receives electrode treatment you know
15:12oh yes
15:13every few months will say they take her away
15:14and plug her head into the national grid
15:16the lights have been known to dim as far away as Watford
15:21yeah but they reckon she's as sane as anyone when they've finished
15:25yeah till she gets her electric bill
15:27oh
15:31excuse me chaps won't be a moment
15:33oh Karen can we have three large scotches
15:36Boise is paying
15:37oh cheers Boise
15:38oh hello
15:38oh hello Grandad
15:41do what?
15:43what about Rodney?
15:46what do you mean he's gone on the run?
15:49why?
15:51oh leave it off Grandad
15:53it was just a joke
15:54yeah alright
15:57yeah alright
15:57alright now don't
15:57don't panic
15:59he'll be home when he's hungry
16:01and he wants something to eat
16:02oh is he?
16:08alright
16:08alright Grandad
16:10don't worry
16:11I'll tell you what I'll do
16:11I'll go and have a look round for him
16:13and I'll be home in about an hour
16:14yeah alright
16:16bye
16:16what's up Dil?
16:20it's that dipstick
16:23Rodney
16:24he's only gone on the run
16:25hasn't he?
16:27I reckon he's found a secret hiding place
16:29where?
16:31well I don't know
16:32I don't know where it was
16:33it wouldn't be secret
16:35would it
16:35oh mate
16:37there must be a clue
16:38yeah well he left a note saying
16:40it's no good trying to find him
16:40because he'll be in the last place
16:42anyone would think of looking for him
16:43he trod under his bed
16:44he'll be home
16:47as soon as he gets hungry
16:48no he won't
16:49Grandad reckons he's taking all the tin food
16:51from the cupboard
16:52so what you're going to do then Dil?
16:54don't know
16:55I just don't know
16:56I ain't got nothing in the freezer then
16:58any luck Dil?
17:14no
17:14no sign of him Grandad
17:17where did you look?
17:20oh I've been everywhere
17:21I've been traipsing around Charing Cross
17:24Oro, Leicester Square
17:25oh you want to see what it's like
17:28up there in the early hours
17:29Grandad it's like the end of the world
17:30and it's full of drug addicts
17:33glue sniffers
17:34winos
17:34do you know what?
17:37if a nightingale sang there in Barkley Square
17:39someone would eat it
17:41bad night
17:43ain't Dil?
17:44yeah very bad
17:45do you know I've been offered everything
17:47from 50 quid for me passport
17:49to a plate of magic mushrooms
17:51you cooking something?
17:54no
17:54what's that horrible smell then?
17:56sweet and sickly
17:57oh perhaps it's this aftershave I've got on
18:01Gordon Bennett
18:03where'd you get that from?
18:05out of your room
18:06well that can't be it then can it?
18:10oh I know the smell you're talking about
18:12he were here last night
18:14everyone in the flats was moaning about it
18:17yeah why don't you get some sleep Del boy
18:22yeah it'll be alright Grandad
18:23I'll have a cup of tea
18:24I'll have another punt round for him
18:25where can he be?
18:29well I had a note from him here somewhere
18:30he said he's in the last place
18:32you'll ever think of looking
18:33oh no I remember
18:34you have looked under his bed haven't you?
18:37first place I checked
18:38yeah
18:39well he's hardly like to be in that bloody drawer is he?
18:44for the no
18:45now don't you get funny with me Del
18:47this is your fault
18:48you and your silly jokes
18:49I know
18:50I was going to tell him this morning
18:51well you could have told him yesterday
18:53instead of that you sat there
18:55playing your Johnny Cash live at San Quentin LP
18:57alright don't go on to me
19:00don't go on
19:01I feel bad enough as it is
19:03but what is that smell?
19:06I've smelled it before somewhere
19:08I know so did I
19:09when?
19:10I told you last night
19:12no no no I know before that
19:13it seems to be coming from the ventilating system
19:18Grandad
19:23go and get them chicken legs out the fridge
19:26I think I know where Rodney's hiding
19:29Rodney?
19:44Rodney it's still boy
19:45Rodney I know you're in here
19:49Rodney don't be a plonker all your life
19:54listen
19:58I can explain everything
20:01there's nothing to be frightened of
20:02I've got
20:04got some scotch here
20:06something to eat
20:07yeah
20:10or if you prefer
20:20I could get you a saucer of milk
20:22come on
20:26at least we can talk about it
20:27can't we
20:27hey
20:29oh wait
20:29he's doing it with me
20:31nice
20:33that cat again
20:34you had me go in there for a minute
20:52don't you know what I mean?
20:55how did you know I was here?
20:58I know a lot of things with me
21:00like I know you've been smoking your funny fags again
21:04no I ain't
21:06no honest
21:06I ain't
21:07well couple
21:10well that was the giveaway you see
21:14the smell from your exotic tobacco
21:16has been wafting down the air ducts
21:19it's not a man, woman or child
21:22it isn't I as a kite
21:24you're kidding
21:27no I'm not
21:28if you stand outside this tower block
21:31all you can hear is giggling
21:32grandad's calling everybody man
21:37he's thinking of growing his hair in dreadlocks
21:42is grandad okay?
21:47yeah he's alright
21:48she's worried about you though
21:50what are you doing up here?
21:54nothing much
21:55not a lot to do in a tank room deal
21:58I mean you can look at the view
22:00but that gets a bit boring after eight hours or so
22:02I wasn't asking about your activities
22:05I was speaking
22:06meteorically
22:08what are you playing at?
22:18playing at?
22:20well Dale this is a little game called not going to prison
22:23the rules are ever so easy you know
22:25all you've got to do is find yourself a place to hide
22:28and stay there till you die
22:29don't reckon it'll catch on Rodney
22:33I could be right there Dale
22:35but I'll tell you something
22:37if necessary I will shoot my way out of this room
22:40oh so while you've been up here
22:42you've been making a gun have you?
22:46well I'll throw tins at them then
22:48yeah well you could get an empty can couldn't you
22:51you know and you could like splash them to death
22:53I ain't had nothing to eat since I've been up here
22:58what's that you've been too frightened?
23:02no I forgot the tin I ate my
23:03well why didn't you pop down for it
23:10Dale desperate men on the run
23:12don't pop home to borrow a tin I'll come
23:15anyway going without food ain't so bad
23:18people like us get used to it
23:21oh come on
23:22don't give me all that James Cagney stuff
23:25look at me ma
23:26I'm on the top of the world ma
23:28look I'm in the tank room ma
23:29why don't you shut up
23:31you hungry?
23:36yeah
23:36get that down in there
23:41cheers Dale
23:43great
23:45hey have the police been round to question you and grandad yet?
23:51uh no
23:53good
23:54good
23:55that means I ain't on my trail yet
23:57gives me a bit of time
23:58yeah
23:59Rodney I've got to explain something
24:02like
24:03well this is sort of like confession time
24:05do you know that woman you met
24:08Blossom
24:08yeah
24:10well she's mad Rodney
24:14she's mad
24:20you know
24:21she's well known to the old bill
24:23they don't take no notice of her
24:24no you're lying to me
24:28no no I'm not
24:29no I'm not
24:30look
24:30cross me heart
24:31swear to die
24:32you remember old man Corby
24:34well a couple of weeks ago
24:35she accused him of assaulting her
24:37well I mean he was so surprised
24:38he nearly fell off his wheelchair
24:39all right then
24:43all right then
24:44you explain this to me
24:45what were all them police doing outside the pub that night?
24:48oh well that was the
24:48that was the mods and the skinheads
24:50they were at it in the kebab house
24:52terrible scene
24:52it's all I could hear
24:53I mean there was
24:54you know chairs going through the windows
24:56there was chilli sauce up the walls
24:58and
24:58someone who knocked over a frying pan
25:00and the staff restroom went up in flames
25:02no I don't believe you Dale
25:06you're just trying to get me to come quietly
25:08no I'm not
25:09look go on there
25:10go on look out
25:11look out there
25:12go on
25:12now
25:13you see the kebab house?
25:17no
25:18exactly
25:18I ain't there no more
25:19what further proof do you need?
25:24no Dale
25:24I don't understand this
25:25you mean
25:26there's been no photo fit pictures
25:28no house to house searches
25:30no public outcry
25:31no
25:33none at all
25:34here look
25:36do you want some water?
25:37with your scotch
25:38no
25:40then why did you tell me
25:46I'd go away for 10 years
25:47as a special category prisoner
25:49that they'd nicknamed me
25:51the peck and pouncer
25:52that there were gangs of men
25:54roaming the streets
25:55looking to hang me
25:56from the nearest lamp post
25:58for life
26:00she's a bit of a wind up
26:09that's all
26:10Dale I haven't slept
26:14I'm starving hungry
26:15and I've been freezing my boots off
26:18in this tent room
26:19because of your bloody wind up
26:21you take things too seriously
26:24that's what you're talking about
26:25I'm going to kill you
26:28no no don't be silly
26:30no really
26:30I mean I'm going to kill you
26:31right now
26:32just a minute
26:32just a minute
26:33alright no
26:35realise I took the joke too far
26:37and I should have told you earlier
26:40I'm sorry Rodney
26:43I really am
26:46I'm still going to kill you
26:50look I've been all over London
26:52looking for you
26:53I've been in more doss houses
26:55than the tramp's best
26:56I thought you were done
27:00so late that night
27:01I saw you drive off
27:03you saw me
27:04why didn't you say something
27:05Dale I'm a desperate man
27:07on the run
27:08I can hardly lean out
27:09and go
27:09ooh Dale
27:10no I suppose you can't
27:17listen Rodney
27:20I feel
27:20you know
27:22I feel really sorry
27:22for all the aggro
27:23that I've caused John
27:24I'd like to try
27:26and make it up to you
27:26let's say what
27:28I'll take you out
27:29and I'll buy a big slap up me
27:30aye
27:31yeah
27:34yeah
27:34yeah with a wine
27:36all the works
27:37look at these
27:40clothes
27:41come on
27:43come on
27:44buy a new suit
27:45yeah
27:46yeah
27:47yeah but then I'd look silly
27:49you know
27:50a brand new suit
27:51and these dirty old
27:51plimps holes
27:52don't you bloody
27:55come it Rodney
27:56come on
28:00come here
28:00come on
28:02buy a new pair
28:03of rhythm and blues
28:04as well
28:05aye
28:06has it
28:06yeah alright
28:09that's good boy
28:12good boy
28:13you know it makes sense
28:15don't you know
28:16all in the past eh
28:19yeah come
28:19all in the past
28:20cheers
28:21look at the state of me
28:29don't worry
28:31you'll have a nice hot shower
28:32when you get down the flat
28:33well I don't fancy standing under that water
28:35deal
28:36not after what I've been doing
28:37innit
28:38no income tax
28:52no income tax
29:06no VAT
29:07no money back
29:09no guarantee
29:10black or white
29:12rich or bro
29:14we'll cut prices
29:15and a straw
29:17god bless
29:20hooky street
29:21viva
29:23hooky street
29:24long live
29:26hooky street
29:27same
29:28mind
29:28hooky street
29:30mind
29:31if
29:32hooky street
29:34hooky street
29:37hooky street
29:40hooky street
29:43hooky street
29:43hooky street
29:44hooky street
29:45hooky street
29:46hooky street
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